Hello Mojo Magazine - Issue 1

A WOMAN’S GUIDE THROUGH AND BEYOND SEPARATION & DIVORCE

ISSUE 1

HELLO MOJO HELPIN G KIDS C OP E WITH DIVORC E

Rewriting

YOUR DIVORCE STORY

Suze Orman

Reese Witherspoon’s

VALUABLE LESSONS IN POST-DIVORCE LIVING

To Keep The House Or Not Keep The House

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A Love Note To My Body first of all, I want to say thank you. for the heart you kept beating even when it was broken for every answer you gave me in my gut for loving me back even when I didn’t know how to love you for every time you recovered when I pushed you past our limits for today, for waking up.

- CLEO WADE

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HELLO MOJO ANNIE KENDALL

Founder & Editor in Chief annie@hellomojo.com @anniekendalloffical

@hellomojoapp

ROBYN GIPTERS

Editor readpublishing.com

NICOLE THOMPSON

Art & Design ntdesign.myportfolio.com

CONTRIBUTORS

M. Gary Neuman, Jackie Philossoph, Karen Covy, Barbara Bryan, Mindvalley, DivorceForce, Divorced Moms Blog, Sally Golding.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Jo Wilson, BigStock

JOIN OUR TRIBE

Join us and help empower the separation or divorce experience for women everywhere.

Submit your articles, resources or artwork to hmwomen@hellomojo.com For submission and advertising enquiries visit www.hellomojo.com/the-magazine/

CONTACT

hmwomen@hellomojo.com www.hellomojomagazine.com @hellomojomagazine @hellomojomagazine @hellomojomagazine Noosa | Queensland | Australia

TERMS & CONDITIONS

Copyright 2019 Hello Mojo. All rights reserved. All material in Hello Mojo is wholly copyright and reproduction without the written permission of the Publisher is strictly forbidden. Neither this publication nor its content constitutes an explicit endorsement by Hello Mojo of the products or services mentioned in advertising or editorial content. Whilst every attempt has been made to ensure accuracy. Hello Mojo shall not have any liability for errors or omissions. In some instances photos have been provided to us and we acknowledge that we have permission in case to use the images. We apologise if anything appears incorrectly. This is a genuine mistake. Please advises and we can amend on our digital copy immediately.

DISTRIBUTION

Hello Mojo maintains the right to distribute Hello Mojo magazine to readers globally either directly or through affiliates with the magazine. Any free distribution of Hello Mojo magazine is greatly encouraged; however, paid distribution of the magazine without the written consent of the Publisher is strictly prohibited.

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r o it d e e h t m o r f Video

About Annie Kendall Annie Kendall is an entrepreneur, author, blogger, speaker and single mama of two.

She’s the founder and editor in chief of Hello Mojo Magazine, the founder and CEO of Hello Mojo, the No. 1 Breakup and Divorce Documenting App and creator of Hello Next Chapter Book Club. Out on the other side of her own divorce, Annie is committed to helping others feel less vulnerable and more empowered on their journey with a powerful vision to help people secure their best possible outcome, and move beyond divorce to live a life they love. @anniekendallofficial @hellomojoapp @hellonextchapterbookclub HELLO MOJO MAGAZINE

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s r o t u b i r t Con KAREN COVY Karen Covy is a divorce attorney and advisor who is committed to helping couples resolve their disputes as amicably as possible. She is the author of When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce Emotionally, Financially, and Legally.

Karen is also a mediator, educator, and popular speaker. She has been featured on the Channel 7 News, WCIU You and Me This Morning, and on numerous radio shows. She writes and publishes extensively on divorce.

You can find her articles on HuffPost, Divorced Moms, Blogs on Divorce, Your Tango, as well as her own website at www.karencovy.com

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M. GARY NEUMAN New York Times bestselling author M. Gary Neuman is a practicing licensed counselor and ordained rabbi who offers a caring, nononsense approach to issues in marriage, family, and personal growth.

He is also a Florida Supreme Courtcertified family mediator, and founder of the Sandcastles Program Inc., a nationwide divorce therapy program for children. Gary has appeared many times on Today, the View, NPR and many other programs. Oprah referred to Gary as, “One of the best psychotherapists in the world,� on his final (11th) appearance on her show.

Visit Gary at www.neumanmethod.com

JACKIE PILOSSOPH Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels,

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Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University, and spent several years writing feature stories for the Pioneer Press. She lives in Chicago with her family. Oh, and she’s divorced. You can read her blogs at www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com

BARBARA BRYAN Barbara Bryan, a divorced single mum with two small children founded www.SingleMum.com.au in 2009.

Several years and much dedication and hard work later, Barbara has built up Australia’s largest single parent network, with tens of thousands of individual visits to her two major websites every month, and many thousands of Facebook Fans. In her spare time Barbara also travel-blogs to give a uniquely single-parent perspective on family holidays at her Let’s Go Mum travel blog www.SingleMum.com.au

SALLY GOLDING Sally Golding is an online Divorce Support Angel helping people move through and beyond separation or divorce to rediscover a meaningful and happy life.

As a divorcee and single parent of six children, Sally’s own story and personal journey have helped shape her skills and supportive techniques now used to guide others as they make their lifestyle choices through a split.

Sally’s dedicated most of her life to supporting others. Originally from the UK and now happily remarried and living South Africa, Sally spent 27 years living in Thailand as the director of a foundation for the underprivileged--a role she still continues to fulfil today along side her work at Naked Divorce. www.nakeddivorce.com

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JOIN OUR TRIBE OF CONTRIBUTORS

r e w o p m E & e ir p s n Share, I

Hello Mojo Magazine is an authentic, supportive, heartcentred publication that wraps women going through separation and divorce in a powerful community igniting healing, transformation and personal growth.

Do you have an inspiring tale to tell? Or words of wisdom to empower others?

We’d love to hear from you!

Submit your stories, articles, books, courses or artwork to hmwomen@hellomojo.com For submission, advertising enquiries and FAQs, visit www.hellomojo.com/the-magazine

Contents 10

Rewriting Your Divorce Story

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Inspiring Life Goals

21

Empower Your Journey

23

Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce

26 8 Reasons Your Ex Is Angry And Hateful Towards You 31

A Powerful Community With Open Arms

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Rediscovery After A Breakup

38

Divorced Moms The Tribe Helping To Make It Better

40

To Keep The House Or Not Keep The House

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Meet the Mum Behind Some Of The Best Online Resources For Single Mums

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Walking Away From An Abusive Relationship

50 Finding The Positive With A Global Tribe

MINDSET

Rewriting Your Divorce Story “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves” - Shakespeare

by KAREN COVY

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What’s your divorce story?

You know – the story in your head about what happened in your divorce.

us even recognize that we’re telling stories, or what they are, or that we can change them — and, in turn, transform our very destinies.

Yes, I know. None of us think we have “stories” about ourselves.

We have “facts,” and “the truth.”

In her book, Rising Strong, Brene Brown echoes Dr. Loehr’s sentiment. But she also goes a step farther and encourages us to OWN our stories.

But calling what you tell yourself a “story” doesn’t mean that it is made up, or that it is a lie. It just means that it is a story... and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

In his book, The Power of Story: Rewrite Your Destiny in Business and in Life, Dr. Jim Loehr puts it like this: As human beings, we continually tell ourselves stories — of success or failure; of power or victimhood; stories that endure for an hour, or a day, or an entire lifetime. We have stories about our work, our families and relationships, our health; about what we want and what we’re capable of achieving. Yet, while our stories profoundly affect how others see us and we see ourselves, too few of

She encourages us to be honest about what we are telling ourselves, be brave enough to do a little reality testing, and then be willing to change the ending!

What?!!

Short of convincing your spouse to remain married (which may not even be what you want any more) how are you supposed to change the end of your divorce story? Divorce is the end of the story!

But, is it?

The most amazing thing about looking at your divorce story as “a story” is that YOU are the author of that story!

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I’m not suggesting that you caused your marriage to break down, or that you created a divorce story to purposely make yourself suffer.

But what you did do is take a fact (you are getting a divorce) and attach meaning to it. (Getting divorced means you are a failure, a loser, a cheater, a victim, a bad person, a pathetic excuse for a human being etc. etc.)

It is the meaning you give to your divorce that creates your “divorce story.” It is the meaning you give to your divorce that also causes you the most pain. Change the meaning and you change the story.

Change the story, and you change your life.

6 Tips For Changing Your Divorce Story Before we dive into the tips for how to change your divorce story, please understand that I am not suggesting that changing your divorce story will change the fact that you are getting divorced.

Of course, it’s possible that if you change yourself and your story, your relationship with your spouse will change, too. Then you both

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might discover that you don’t want to divorce after all! But, honestly, that’s a little more like a script for a Disney movie than what usually happens in everyday life.

Changing your divorce story, however, is likely to change how you feel about your divorce.

If you are at the stage where you are still angry, sad, depressed, anxious, upset or any one of the other ugly emotions associated with divorce, changing your feelings at this point can have real value. So, how do you do it?

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Recognize that you

are the author of your story Taking this step alone gives you enormous power.

Most people want hero in their story. understandable, the doesn’t lie in being your story.

to be the While that’s real power the hero of

No power lies in being the victim in your story (if you do want to be the victim, find a good therapist right now. “Victimhood” is no way to live your life!).

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The real power lies in being the creator of your story. When you are the creator of your story you have the power to write, and rewrite, your story any way you want.

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Separate fact from fiction Before you can begin rewriting your divorce story, you have to separate fact from fiction.

Are you getting divorced? Yes. That’s a fact. Will divorce change your children’s lives? Yes. That, too is a fact.

Are you a bad parent because you are getting divorced? No. That’s just how you feel. It is not a fact.

Will your children suffer because of your divorce? Yes, but how much they suffer is up to you.

So this is both a fact and an opportunity. You can (to a certain extent) control how this fact plays out.

you feel. If you can name your emotions, do it. That will help you understand what you are feeling.

If you can’t name what you feel, that’s fine, too. What is most important is that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. (Yes, this part pretty much sucks. Sorry.) But you can’t work through your feelings unless you’re willing to let yourself feel those feelings first.

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Decide whether you want to change how you feel

That may sound a little stupid, but here is the truth: sometimes we are not ready to let go of what we are feeling.

For example, sometimes when we are angry, we are just ANGRY!!!!

Until we are done being angry, we don’t want to let that anger go.

That’s okay. If this is as far as you get, so be it.

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Take stock of your feelings Don’t try to deny how you feel, or bury your feelings under a mountain of guilt. Be quiet for a moment and just notice how

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Just know that, whatever the reason was that you got angry in the first place (like your spouse cheated on you with your best friend... in your house), right now you are choosing to stay angry because you are not ready to let that anger go. You don’t have to change that. You just have to be honest with yourself about it.

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Figure out where you want your story to go from here

Are you happy about how you feel?

Do you want your story to go the way it is going, and end where you are at right now? If not, then decide what ending you would like better.

Maybe instead of focusing on how much you hate your ex, you decide to channel your anger into going back to school, starting a new career, or focusing on your relationship with your kids in a whole new way.

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Rewrite your story as you see fit

If you want to stop being angry, stop thinking of your divorce as something unfair that was done to you, and start thinking of yourself as a powerful person with the ability to use your anger as fuel to accomplish something you really value. (Yes. You can!)

Whether you are currently thinking of yourself as a victim, a loser, a failure or any other disempowering thing you have in your head, know that all of those descriptions are not facts. They are simply your opinions. If those opinions aren’t serving you, you can change them.

The bottom line is that you want to write your story so that you come out a winner rather than a loser.

It sounds simplistic, but changing how you tell your story is the first step in changing how it ends.

Writing a new ending to your divorce story won’t change what happened, but it will change how you feel and where your life goes from here.

Does rewriting your divorce story make the pain of divorce any easier to bear? Probably not. But, deciding what you want to do with your pain, and knowing that you have the power to interpret the meaning of your divorce so that it becomes more than just an ugly, painful part of your personal history, is up to you.

Hear more from Karen at www.karencovy.com 14

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You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

- C.S. LEWIS

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INSPIRATION

Inspiring Life Goals How Reese Witherspoon’s lessons in postdivorce living are life goals for all of us

Separating with strength, blending a family with grace and above all else, being open and honest about the challenges of life before, during and after divorce.

The way Reese Witherspoon navigated her separation in the constant glare of the public eye - and with her particular brand of Southern charm and positivity left intact - makes her one of Hello Mojo’s favourite post-divorce role models.

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Here’s how to survive and thrive a relationship breakup - Reese style.

The actress, producer, entrepreneur and parent met first husband Ryan Phillippe when she was just 21, and they married two years later in 1999.

After two children, Ava, now 18, and Deacon, 14, they separated in 2005.

Reese was refreshingly open about the painful split, admitting it was ‘very humiliating and very isolating’. Two years after the divorce was finalised in 2008, she was frank about how tough things still were.

‘When people get in your face and say, “This will pass,” you think, are they crazy? I’m never gonna feel any better than I feel right this minute and nothing’s ever gonna make sense again.

And I still have moments where I’m like, nothing’s ever gonna make sense again,’ she admitted.

Accept your fallibility -and theirs

LESSON TWO

LESSON ONE

It’s okay to fall apart

When a relationship breaks down, we all have a fundamental need to lay blame. Reese urges us to accept this as part of the natural grieving process. And when that’s out of our system, the next healing stage will hopefully be just around the corner.

‘I lay on my kitchen floor and cried a lot and I think at a certain point you just wake up and you’re like “OK, I don’t want to feel like this anymore,”’ she explains.

Then, she was ready to dig deep. ‘[You have to] look at yourself and go, “What part of this do I need to own? Which part of this is my responsibility?” And that’s the painful work that you have to go through to hopefully get some real life knowledge out of it.’

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While not many of us, especially in the midst of often costly separations, can afford to let work slide, it’s only natural to reassess priorities.

Keep things simple, advises Reese, because you have a lot going on.

In her case that meant a few dud movies while she concentrated on rebalancing her private life.

‘You know, you can’t really be very creative when you feel like your brain is scrambled eggs,’ she explains.

Watch yourself for the sake of the kids LESSON FOUR

LESSON THREE

Prioritise yourself

‘I think the most important thing is the children. What do they want, what makes them feel comfortable?’ says Reese.

Keeping the anger and grief we feel towards our ex from spilling out can seem like an impossible task, but it’s one Reese and Ryan have worked hard to control.

‘When we’re with our children, we’re very good about checking ourselves,’ she adds.

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Transitioning to life as a single parent is one of the greatest challenges of separation.

Reese urges women to recognise, ‘You are strong and capable, and now you have been put in a position where you must use your capabilities to change your circumstances without your ex’s help or kindness.’

But she’s also very frank about how single-parenthood is just really bloody hard.

‘I don’t think I recognised how anxious I was about being a single parent. It was really, really stressful. It’s not easy on anybody,’ she admits.

LESSON SIX

Friendships are your armour

This, more than any other time, is when you must call on your army of friends, urges Reese.

‘I am so, so lucky to have girlfriends who, when I was on the floor crying, upset about things that happened in my life, came over, stood me up, put me in the shower, put my clothes on, took my kids to school, brought me dinner,’ she says.

LESSON SEVEN

LESSON FIVE

Being a single parent is tough

You will survive and thrive Now 42, Reese is happier and more successful than ever. In 2011, she married talent agent, Jim Toth, dad to their five-year-old son, Tennessee, and in the past few years her career has gone stratospheric. She runs a clothing line, a soon to be launched streaming network, has an acting career that goes from strength to strength and is hosting her own chat show, Shine On With Reese.

Above all, the Legally Blonde star is now considered a Hollywood powerhouse and one of the best producers in the business thanks to her highly regarded, box-office hits Strayed and Gone Girl and the Emmy-awarded TV series Big Little Lies.

And a decade on from the end of her relationship with Ryan, she still recognises how pivotal her divorce was in making her the woman she is today.

She’s also adamant she has no regrets.

‘I would never change anything,’ says Reese.

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r e v o c s Di

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YOU TUBE HOW TO FIX A BROKEN HEART | Guy Winch 2 million views | 12.25 mins https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM Psychologist Guy Winch reveals how recovering from heartbreak starts with a determination to fight our instincts to idealize and search for answers that aren’t there -- and offers a toolkit on how to, eventually, move on.

RETHINKING INFIDELITY ... A TALK FOR ANYONE WHO HAS EVER LOVED | Esther Perel 6.2 million views | 21.31 mins https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security.

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Would you like your product, podcast or service featured in Hello Mojo? hmwomen@hellomojo.com All product names, brands and images are property of their respective owners.

All images used in this spread are for identification purposes only.

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CHILDREN

Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce

The greatest gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy - Meryl Streep

by GARY NEWMAN It’s not just you and your partner that go through a separation or divorce – children go along for the ride with you.

No matter what their age, this can be a difficult journey for them to understand. Founder and director

of the Sandcastles Program, Gary Neuman wants you to know that it’s how you communicate with your children from the very first mention of a separation or divorce that makes the biggest difference in how they process what is happening.

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The Sandcastles Program has helped more than 50,000 children to cope with divorce, and helped parents all over the world better understand their children’s needs and fears throughout the process.

Gary, author of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way says that openly communicating from the outset can help children feel loved and safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings throughout the process.

Before you start fretting about letting the wrong words slip out, Gary suggests there is just one cardinal rule all parents need to follow - never criticise each other in front of the children.

“When they bad-mouth each other, it causes [the children] to question if they can love both,” he says.

“Kids should be free to love both parents. If you say something bad about the other person, your child may feel disloyal to you if they actually love them. They should never have to make that kind of choice.”

Gary says children often blame themselves after a divorce and secretly believe that they can somehow fix things. But the secret

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KIDS SHOULD BE FREE TO LOVE

BOTH PARENTS

is, all people heal through loving connection, so simply spending quality time with your children and showing empathy will make a world of difference.

“The most important thing is to take the pressure off of yourself as a parent to say just the right words.

It’s the feeling. It’s looking at these kids and saying, ‘Gosh, I know it hurts. It makes sense that it’s sad.

And I wish I could do something different. But we’re a family and we’re going to get through this’,” he says.

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way is a warm and empathetic guide that can help you to build a coparenting relationship, figure out if or when you or your child need to see a therapist and offers ageappropriate scripts to addressing sensitive issues.

There are dozens of activities and fun exercises that will help you to communicate and get closer to

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your child during this life-changing process and the book shows you how divorce can actually be an opportunity for your child to grow and strengthen their bond with you.

1 2 3

Here are Gary’s three rules about the right way to break the news of your divorce to your children:

RULE 1 Tell the entire family at once “Sit down together. We’re still going to be together as a family, even at the moment of breaking up,” he says.

RULE 2 You must convey the crucial messages in the first 45 seconds “You say three things: ‘Mum and Dad made each other very sad and we think that it’s best for the family that Mum and Dad live apart. You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us in our homes. And it is absolutely not your fault. You did nothing to cause this.’”

RULE 3 Both partners must practice the conversation together before talking to the kids Once you break the news to your children, Gary says it’s important to listen and help them deal with their sadness. “They [may] start crying, and then you hold hands. You hug. You sit. You allow them to ask questions,” he says.

BUY GARY’S BOOK

Hear more from Gary at: www.neumanmethod.com

@m.gary.neuman

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@mgaryneuman

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INSIGHTS

8 Reasons Your Ex Is Angry And Hateful Towards You

And why knowing this will help set you free

by JACKIE PILOSSOPH Creator and Editor-in-Chief, Divorced Girl Smiling

It’s hard to understand how a person who used to be your husband (or wife) can switch gears so abruptly.

What I mean by that is, once loving, kind and caring towards you in your marriage, now your ex is angry and hateful towards you. It’s not only strange and shocking almost, but it’s sad and hurtful.

When people get separated—I mean when they both know the divorce is really happening, they turn that corner and on come the gloves.

The person you slept in a bed with and made babies with is now like a stranger—a really mean stranger.

He or she won’t speak to you, won’t say hello, goes out of his or her way to make you feel bad and uncomfortable, and at times, screams insults and obscenities in your face.

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You are now at war with the person you ironically stood in front of an audience, and god, and promised to love and cherish forever, while gazing longingly into each other’s eyes. It’s almost hard to grasp the change when it happens. An ex’s anger and hate can go on for months, years, and even a lifetime.

I remember a friend told me her 90 year old mom was dying, and told her children that their father (who was her ex-husband) was not to attend her funeral. I couldn’t believe it.

But understanding why your ex is angry and hateful can help you accept it for now, tolerate it, and not play into his or hands by fighting back and being mean and angry and hateful back.

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t h ig m x e r u o y s n o Here are 8 reas : u o y s d r a w o t l u f e be angry and hat

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one

STRESS AND FEAR Separation, the divorce process, and the huge life change of divorce might be one of the most stressful situations a person will endure. It also causes tremendous fear. Fear of finances, fear of “will the kids be OK?”, fear of being alone, etc.

And, when people have anxiety and fear, they get angry and mean. Who better to take out their anger and hate to? You, the person who caused all of this! (Not that that’s really the case, but in his or her mind, you are the cause, you did this, you are causing him or her all this stress and fear).

two

GUILT Here is a typical scenario. A guy leaves his wife for another woman.

At first, he is really nice about it, feels terrible, etc. Then, the wife hires a divorce attorney and starts defending herself in litigation. The husband decides he hates her, and becomes really angry with her. In other words, he channels his guilt into hate for his ex because it’s easier to blame her. By the way, women do this too, it’s not just men.

SELF-HATE I personally find that people are most hateful to others when they hate themselves. For someone who lacks self-awareness, it’s easy to transfer the hate they have for themselves to their ex. How many times has your ex come to pick up the kids and is really really mean to you that day, for reasons you have no idea? You’re thinking, ‘OK....what did I do now?” My answer to you is nothing! Something happened to your ex and he/she hates himself or herself for it, and so he or she decided to hate you instead. It’s easier that way. (To an unhealthy person with no self-awareness, that is.)

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HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND/WIFE Let’s say a guy is with a woman who has a horrible relationship with her ex. They treat each other with hate and anger. So, for her, that is the only way she knows for divorced parents.

So, when her new husband is trying to co-parent with his ex wife, she can’t understand the friendship. In her mind, he is supposed to hate his ex, just like she

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hates hers. So, she might be putting pressure on him, fueling the fire, and almost convincing him that you are this horrible person who did this, this and this in the past, and that he shouldn’t forget it or ever be your friend. And, because she is now the woman in his life, he listens because he doesn’t want to create tension in his new relationship.

five

ADDICTION ISSUES OR MENTAL ILLNESS These are areas that you have absolutely no control over. Say this to yourself: I am not a doctor, I am not an addiction counselor, I am not a psychiatrist. Your ex needs to get help from a professional, and you need to take a step back. A big step back. Addicts blame everyone else for their problems. That’s addiction 101.

aren’t healing. I could cry when I think of how sad this is, and how common. If they could acknowledge that their ex hurt them like hell, and that the pain they caused is still very much there, they might find alternative ways to channel the pain. I’m not saying the person should forgive an ex immediately for what he or she did, but being mean and angry for years is unproductive and very very bad for them, the ex and the kids.

seven

UNHAPPINESS If someone is unhappy, they don’t want anyone else to be happy, especially the ex. So, if he or she senses you are happy, they want war.

They are pissed. In their eyes, you don’t deserve happiness! You ruined their life! On the flip side, if you are miserable, you will find that your ex will be nicer.

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HURT AND PAIN People cover up intense pain and hurt with anger and hate. Anger and hate are the protective shields over the wounds that

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IT’S EXPECTED Being amicable seems foreign to most people getting divorced, since most divorce stories are ugly. So, they automatically feel like it’s not right to be kind and courteous to an ex.

The good news is, countless couples are able to let go of the anger and hate after a divorce, which fosters acceptance, peace and a happier, better future for both partners.

Letting go of anger and hate also benefits the kids. Not only can parents who are friends co-parent so much more effectively, but kids thrive when their parents get along.

It takes so much pressure off of a kid, and makes the kids feel more like a family. If you think about it, whether a couple is married or divorced, the kids cringe when their parents fight. It makes them uncomfortable, sad, insecure, and filled with anxiety. I know that when I get along with my ex, my kids beam with happiness.

Here’s the thing about divorce anger and hate. During a divorce and after, it’s so easy to conjure up memories that sustain resentment.

It’s easier to blame the ex than to look in the mirror and say, “Maybe

I played a role in this divorce, too.” It’s also easy to hate if you know you can’t have your ex back, and it’s easy to hate someone who moved on before you, i.e. has a girlfriend two minutes after the separation (which so many people do.)

It’s also easy to say, “He took the best years of my life” and resent him or her for that.

The key in letting go of anger and hate is to remember two things: You have zero control over your ex’s journey, and his or her anger and hate towards you. Yes, you can try talking to him or her, writing a letter, apologizing for your role in the divorce, but that’s pretty much all you can do. He or she is the one who has to decide to let it go.

You have all the control over letting your anger go. I remember a woman once said to me, “I want to let go of my anger, but I don’t know how.”

My answer is, stop looking back. If you focus on your children and your own life, the road ahead, the life you want moving forward, and you do what you can to get what you want from this point forward, your anger and hate will go away. The wound will turn into a scab and eventually fall off. Will you have a small scar? For sure. But it won’t be noticeable.

Hear more from Jackie at: www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com

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@DivorcedGirlSmiling

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In the end, r e t t a m s g in h t e e r h t only how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

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COMMUNITY

DivorceForce: A Powerful Community With Open Arms Give me the wisdom to know what must be done and the courage to do it.

On any given day, tens of millions of people around the world are reeling from the thought of going through a divorce, are navigating their way through a divorce, or have completed their divorce and are taking their first tentative steps into a new life.

But when it happens to you, it’s easy to feel like you are alone.

Take heart in knowing there is a community waiting for you with open arms, big hearts and an arsenal of information and knowledge that you can tap into throughout this life-changing event. Say hello to DivorceForce.

This flourishing online community

was established in 2014 by Gregory Frank and Jeffrey Meshel, who had both gone through difficult divorces and found it extremely hard to access information without constantly enlisting the help of a lawyer.

They also felt incredibly alone and craved a way to connect with others who were experiencing the pain of a divorce for support.

So when these powerhouses connected, their shared vision to create an environment that organically connected those affected by divorce saw the formation of much more than a social network - DivorceForce has education, connection and support as its three major pillars, creating a holistic environment in

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She remembered who she was and the game changed�

-Lalah Delilah 32

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which people truly thrive.

They say, ‘you don’t know what you don’t know,’ and a quick look through the content that is available through DivorceForce shows just how true this is.

While the most frequently asked questions are addressed with multiple resources, you will also find content covering everything from child custody, visitation rights and how to deal with changes in your financial set-up to navigating the legal system, moving on after infidelity and escaping abusive marriages.

You can access all of this and more with complete anonymity if you so choose, or you can create a profile and connect with other members to forge new friendships and take advantage of the highly interactive features.

DivorceForce offers forums that allow members to ask questions across a broad range of divorcerelated topics that can be

responded to by other community members, guest speakers and even professional contributors, truly building that sense of community.

There is no doubt there is support in abundance on this platform, with a safe environment for all people, no matter what stage you are at in your divorce.

Those contemplating divorce will find relief in knowing they are most definitely not alone, while those in the process of divorce can tap into resources, including search engines that can help to locate matrimonial lawyers, lawyer ratings and state-by-state laws to help them understand and navigate the journey with confidence.

Those who are now out the other side will benefit from connecting with others who have walked the same journey and can empathise with what they have gone through – establishing a common bond to begin new friendships to help fill the void of those you may have lost during your divorce journey.

DivorceForce is committed to connecting and empowering those affected by divorce.

Hear more from DivoreForce www.DivorceForce.com

@DivorceForce

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@divorceforceofficial

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HEALING

Rediscovery After A Breakup “Honor the space between no longer and not yet.” - Nancy Levin

by SALLY GOLDING Divorce Angel & Relationship Coach at Naked Divorce

Self-identity and self-concept are largely developed through friends, family, values and simple day-today activities – all of which become incredibly intertwined in a long-term relationship. So when a relationship ends, the self-identity and selfconcept that we have developed with our partners is suddenly pulled like a rug from beneath our feet.

getting tattoos, changed haircuts or in some cases leaving their jobs; they are trying to rediscover a less ‘shared’ sense of self. This process however, can often leave people feeling even more confused – this removal from a previously comfortable self-identity can lead to emptiness and an even longer road to rediscovering our true sense of self.

It leaves us feeling lost. We struggle to find out who we are, without them.

So, how can you go about rediscovering who you are on your own – reserving your clarity on your self-identity? How can you start to navigate the path of being a single entity rather than a partnership?

This struggle for a new sense of self-identity without our partner is why we see many newly single people take drastic measures such as 34

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Here is the advice I give my newly single clients on how to start this process:

Go to your support system

One of the most important steps to take after a break up is realising that you don’t have to do it alone. Men, in particular, find it hard to reach out to friends and family when they are in emotional turmoil, however, your support system is key in getting your self-identity back on track.

Spend time with people that love you, support you and that will offer a soothing rub and word of encouragement when you are down.

If you share many of your friends with your ex, try and ensure you don’t concentrate on them as a topic – focus on yourself and enjoying the time spent with the special people you have in your life.

Self care

The typical break up scenario involves long hours on the couch, a couple of tubs of ice cream and a big serving of self-pity. While this is okay for a weekend or so after the break up, the sooner you get up and out – the better you will feel. Self-care is an essential aspect to rediscovering your self-identity and confidence after a break up.

Looking after yourself from the inside out is the best way to start feeling good again. Eat healthy, drink lots

of water, join a gym and get out into nature if possible. Being happy really is closely linked to being healthy. It isn’t just your physical aspects to consider and you should work on your spiritual self too; take up meditation, yoga, writing, join a program such as Naked Divorce or another kind of support system that will help you get your mind back on track.

Set goals

Setting goals is a wonderful way to get your mind focused on something other than the break up. Whether it’s as small as doing a yoga class or going for a walk three times a week, or something a little more large scale like running a marathon or getting a promotion at work – having a goal to work towards to will push your limits, help you to focus on positive things and you’ll be rewarded with an amazing sense of achievement once you’ve conquered what you set out to do. Set a goal and work towards it and you’ll be amazed at what happens to your self-confidence.

Do things that you love

We are all passionate about something and doing things we love is incredibly nurturing for the soul.

Think about the things you enjoyed before your relationship that you may have given up and if possible try and get stuck into doing them

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THE BEST PART IS FINDING YOURSELF

again. These could be anything from dance classes or drawing, to guitar or kayaking; do whatever it is that sets your soul on fire.

You can also try new things if you aren’t sure what you really love – take up a sculpting class, volunteer at a soup kitchen or walk dogs at animal shelters; activities that give you a sense of purpose are particularly effective at helping you to understand what it is that you are truly passionate about.

Take the time to grieve

I often find that many of my clients jump into new relationships too soon. This mainly stems from the loss of identity and self-concept that is experienced after a traumatic break up – people tend to have forgotten how to be on their own.

time getting over the trauma rather than simply putting a band-aid on it.

Don’t wallow in self-pity, but take the time to learn who you are without a partner, don’t rush into anything and you’ll find a renewed confidence within yourself when you are perfectly at home in your own body and your own mind.

These are just some of the many things you can do to try and rediscover who you are on your own, but most importantly, you need to practice self-love; your body and your mind are the only permanent home you’ll have forever.

At Naked Divorce, we are all about helping heal from past relationship traumas, and as a Divorce Angel myself, my door is always open and I am here to help you move forward free from hurt and full of confidence.

Hear more from Sally at:

My advice is always to take the time to grieve. You have lost an important part of your life and it’s only right that you spend enough 36

www.nakeddivorce.com sally@nakedrecoveryonline.com

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HELLO MOJO MEN Launching Early 2019

A man’s guide to survive and rise from separation or divorce.

Subscribe for your free copy at www.hellomojo.com/the-magazine/ Submit your stories, articles, books, courses or artwork to hmmen@hellomojo.com For submissions, advertising enquiries and FAQs, visit www.hellomojo.com/the-magazine Share this with a friend

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WHEN WOMEN SUPPORT EACH OTHER, AMAZING THINGS HAPPEN COMMUNITY

Divorced Moms: The Tribe Helping To Make It Better When times are tough, knowing other people have survived the same experience you’re going through is everything. Having a support network that can hold your hand and advise you, especially if you’re unable to tell your closest friends and family, is invaluable.

DivorcedMoms is that safe place.

A virtual space where women considering divorce, going through one, or rebuilding their lives afterwards, can find advice, support and empowerment. And with 2.5 million viewers a year, that’s a lot of empowerment!

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Managing editor and one of the leading divorce experts in the United States, Cathy W. Meyer, had a very personal reason for helping launch the site in 2013. “As a seed in my head, I wanted women to have what I didn’t have when going through a divorce,” she tells Hello Mojo. “Great advice in one spot that would empower them while going through the process and moving on to a new life afterwards. We are there to help women navigate legal divorce issues and hopefully make fewer mistakes.”

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Cathy also works individually with clients as a Master Certified Relationship Coach and certified Marriage Educator so she really knows what she’s talking about and what her audience needs.

When it comes to supporting and empowering women, DivorcedMoms stands out. It provides a huge library of free resources to its visitors.

This includes sections on the legal process, advice from experts, pieces on all aspects of separation and custody, dating after divorce and much more from its divorce experts. While the nuts and bolts advice might be aimed at a mainly North American audience, there’s invaluable information here for divorcing women around the world.

One of Hello Mojo’s favourites is the 27-woman strong blogging network. The blogs are written by women (and one man) sharing their own divorce experiences and really connect with readers who are at similar stages of separation and recovery.

DivorcedMoms also has a Facebook page and a private offshoot group where women can connect and support each other. Nothing is off limits and every aspect of divorce - good, bad, ugly and joyful - is covered.

But above all else, Cathy and DivorcedMom’s ethos seems to be to empower women and urge them to be their own advocate.

“Become knowledgeable about how divorce is handled in your state and jurisdiction,” she urges.

“Knowledge is power when it comes to protecting your legal rights. Divorce attorneys can make mistakes and it’s up to you to become a proactive participant in your own divorce.”

Divorced Mom’s Tips For Separating 1. Start a war chest - if possible open a separate bank account.

2. Keep a divorce calendar - keep track of solicitor appointments, court deadlines or discussions with your spouse.

3. Make a divorce to do list - this will help you stay organised and prioritise what needs doing.

4. Prepare a divorce notebook or file - go stationery shopping and get a ring bound folder. Divorce creates a lot of paperwork.

5. Cut unnecessary expenses - If you’re not receiving interim spousal support and you should be, seek legal advice.

6. Stick to a routine - Don’t skip meals or change your sleeping habits. Try not to isolate yourself from friends. Exercise.

7. Be constructive - It’s hard but try and maintain a positive outlook and don’t get sucked into needless conflicts with your spouse.

8. Make a plan - Take it one day at a time.

Try to control only those things that are in your control.

9. Gather financial information - so that you have all you need to hand in when meeting with your legal adviser.

10. Do your research - understand the process and how the system works. Ask friends who’ve been there for advice and recommendations.

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Hear more from DivorcedMoms at: www.divorcedmoms.com @divorcedmomscom

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MONEY

To Keep The House or Not To Keep The House?

It’s a very good question Some smart advice from Financial Expert

SUZE ORMAN

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There is rarely anything easy about divorce. In even the most friendly of separations emotions run high and the formalities of dividing up the assets can be difficult.

In so many cases the older you are when you divorce the more difficult this financial parting becomes.

Generally there are more assets to divide so there is likely to be more at stake.

Acclaimed financial expert, author and presenter Suze Orman has written many articles on the need for women to take control of their financial future and understand their finances… especially when it comes to divorce!

In an article on her blog www. suzeorman.com titled A Divorce Settlement Mistake I want All Women to Home in on, Orman offers some wise words in particular about one divorce habit that many older women have that can be financially detrimental in the long term.

Keeping the House!

“I get it. You love your house. And the memories. To say nothing of the neighbours and neighbourhood.

And while you are uprooting

your personal life, retaining the familiarity and embrace of your existing home is a strong pull,” says Orman.

Orman points out that although keeping the family home may be emotionally appealing for many it is not necessarily financially smart in the long term as the decisions that you make throughout your divorce settlement will have a major impact on your quality of life in retirement.

Orman’s concern is a real one.

Research by the Australian Institute of Family Studies found that women fared particularly badly when it comes to retirement savings. The average woman has less than half the superannuation of the average man, with lower wages and time spent out of the workforce limiting her ability to save. This is not a good thing when it comes to retirement!

And this is one of the reasons why Orman believes that keeping the family home can often be financially crippling for women – especially older women.

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Orman suggests that before you start fighting for the house in your divorce settlement that you or a trusted financial advisor do a few key things:

1 2 3

“Now take a deep breath and honestly look at your monthly cashflow,” says Orman. “Can you easily handle the cost? The worst thing you can do is stay in a home that is a financial stretch and stress”.

The other main concern that Orman has is that keeping the family home does not (in most cases) generate an ongoing income.

Create a monthly housing cost estimate if you were to maintain ownership of the family home.

Consider all overheads carefully and add them up. Be sure to include mortgage repayments, insurance, utilities, taxes and ongoing maintenance costs.

Factor in the unexpected.

Orman recommends that you then add on another 10-15% a year to cover bigger ‘surprise’ issues that might present themselves.

“A home does not pay your bills in retirement. Your home is an asset, but it is not something that produces a monthly income,” says Orman. “The bottom line is that giving up your rights to all or the bulk of retirement assets in exchange for keeping the house can be a dangerous move”.

Orman suggests that women especially older women tread carefully when trying to hold onto the family home and to seek expert advice and to try and keep their emotions in check. She encourages women to look to their longterm financial future without the financial shackles of the old family home.

“Trust me, not having to worry about maintaining your too expensive old home will be liberating,” says Orman. “And it will help give you the emotional space to step into your new life with more confidence and openness. It is also a major step in helping you land in retirement in good shape”.

Hear more from Suze Orman at: www.suzeorman.com 42

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Subscribe today for FREE. Visit here for updates on our Book of the Month and for the chance to purchase all your favourite books in the one easy place.

e id u G A : w o N f O r e w o P e Th nment te h lig n E al u it ir p S to

by ECKHART TOLLE

An inspiring spiritual journey to find their true and deepest self and reach the ultimate in personal growth and spirituality: the discovery of truth and light.

Rising Strong

by BRENE BROWN

Living a brave life is not always easy: We are, inevitably, going to stumble and fall. It is the rise from falling that Brown takes as her subject in Rising Strong.

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“We lose ourselves in books We find ourselves there too” Broken Open: How Difficult row G s U lp e H an C s e m Ti

By ELIZABETH LESSER

A beautifully crafted blend of moving stories, humorous insights, practical guidance, and personal memoir to offers tools to help us make the choice we all face in times of challenge.

e Helping Kids Cope With Divorc The Sandcastles Way

By M. GARY NEUMAN

This guide shows you that divorce need not be an inevitable blot on children’s lives, but an opportunity for them to grow and strengthen the bonds with their parents. A useful reference tool when your kids are of any age.

Loving What Is Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

By Byron Katie

Discovering freedom through “The Work”. The Work is simply four questions that, when applied to a specific problem, enable you to see what is troubling you in an entirely different light.

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You are imperfect & You are wired for struggle But You are worthy of love & belonging - Brene Brown

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COMMUNITY

Meet the Mum

t Online s e B e th f o e m o S Behind le Mums g in S r fo s e c r u o s Re

“Live life as if everything is rigged in your favour” - RUMI There are so many questions that arise when you are on the brink of a relationship breakdown, and Barbara Bryan has asked herself all of them in the past. This is how the divorced single mother-of-two had the practical experience and first-hand knowledge to be able to build Australia’s largest single parent network – Single Parent Australia.

It was a seven-year labour of love that has resulted in tens of thousands of visits to her major website www.singlemum.com.au every month and thousands more

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to the associated websites that offer everything from an interactive forum through to a national directory resource for families seeking specialist family court lawyers.

Barbara says the platform, which she founded in 2009, provides Australian single parents with the information, friendship and support they need at one of the most challenging and fulfilling times of their lives.

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With everything from child custody, child support payments, obtaining single parent benefits, child care and combating isolation and loneliness covered on singlemum.com.au, Barbara has created a one-stop hub for single mums to access what they need, when they need it, as well as offering access to a supportive single mum community to boost confidence and connect with women going through the same process.

adventurous little girls” Samantha, 10, and Brooke, 12 on Let’s Go Mum.

But this is just one of the websites Barbara has created in her thriving community. She also runs Single Parent Australia, Single Mother Forum, Divorce and Family Lawyers and her passion project Let’s Go Mum.

“You can count on us to let you know if our latest flight, kid attraction, product or holiday destination really was family-friendly and fun. Join us as we boldly go wherever the family fun is.”

The latter was recently announced the winner of the Travel Blogs Award for the second year running and was also awarded a place in the 2017 Australia’s Top 50 Influencer Awards.

“Together, the kids and I love to explore Australia and the world.

Both children are home schooled, which often gives us the luxury of taking their school work with them and travelling outside of standard school holidays. So any chance we get, I give in to the kids’ chorus of ‘Let’s go Mum!’, and off we go – blogging it all the way,” she says.

Barbara is testament to the fact that life after divorce is a whole new world, but if you embrace it and live life to the fullest, you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

Barbara is an intrepid traveler, having visited more than 30 countries, and has blogged about the adventures shared with her “gorgeously

To hear more from Barbara and Let’s Go Mum please visit www.letsgomum.com.au

@letsgomum

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@letsgomum 47

INSIGHTS

Walking Away From An Abusive Relationship

You Are Not Alone

Domestic abuse is by no means a black and white, easily defined act.

It can take on many forms including physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse.

But, if you’re stuck in a relationship that shows any sign of abuse, please know that there is a way out and there are people to talk to that can help.

While it can be easy to pass judgement on those in abusive relationships and question why they don’t leave, it must be acknowledged that the problem runs a lot deeper.

The psychological effect that abuse can have on a victim is hard to understand unless you are in the situation yourself.

Usually, domestic abuse works in a cycle in which the perpetrator will make the victim feel as though they deserve the situation they are in by using guilt as a manipulating force.

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There are many misconceptions about being in this type of relationship. Here we clear up some of the most dangerous myths about intimate partner violence.

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Myth #1

If someone abuses you, its an obvious decision to leave.

Domestic violence is a complex situation where there can be extenuating circumstances. For example, if the victim is economically dependent on the perpetrator and can’t afford to raise a child without them, then it makes it a lot harder to leave. Plus, abusers are usually very manipulating and can be extremely charming and loving when they’re not in ‘abuse’ mode. They also tend to bring down victim’s self-esteem and ignite their insecurities so much so that victims begin to believe that they ‘deserve’ the abuse.

Myth #2 Domestic abuse is rare.

If you’re in an abusive relationship and you feel as though you’re alone, please know that you’re not. The unfortunate reality is that 1 in 4 women will experience relationship violence at some point in their life, be it emotional, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual or verbal. It’s ok to reach out for support - you are not alone.

Myth #3 Domestic abuse is always physical.

This couldn’t be further from the truth and unfortunately, a lot of emotional abuse is simply ignored or dismissed as a bad mood or ‘just words’. Emotional abuse can cripple your self esteem, leading to depression and isolating you from family and friends. Of course, it goes without saying that sexual abuse can be emotionally and physically crippling.

If you’ve found yourself in a relationship that you deem abusive, or your situation with your ex has turned abusive in any way since you separated or divorced, then please reach out and speak to someone.

Walking away from someone you love - even if they abuse you - can be an extremely hard thing to do. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and help is within easy reach.

The organisations below are available to help at any hour of the day:

U.K National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 24 hour free hotline www.refuge.org.uk/

USA Stop Relationship Abuse Toll Free Phone: 800-799-7233 24 hour free hotline www.stoprelationshipabuse.org

AUSTRALIA 1800 Respect 1800 737 732 24 Hour free hotline www.1800respect.org.au/

Victim Support Helpline 0845 30 30 900 24 hour free hotline www.victimsupport.org.uk/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) 24 hour free hotline www.ncadv.org/

Lifeline 131 114 24 hour free hotline www.lifeline.org.au/

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Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 Mon-Fri 8am-8pm / Sat 10am-4pm www.relationships.org.au/

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POSITIVITY

Mindvalley

Finding The Positive With A Global Tribe Something truly magical happens when you can begin to see the positive in any situation.

Whether you contemplate changing careers post-divorce to something you are passionate about, rediscovering your inner peace and spirituality, or decide it’s time to invest in you to bring out the best of what you have to offer, more than three million people around the world are finding everything they need in the Mindvalley community.

Founded by Vishen Lakhiani, Mindvalley is touted as a university for the modern age, where you connect online as well as through live curricula and events.

The Mindvalley Academy is designed to benefit your mind, health, relationships, performance and business prowess with practical advice and tools that will be of immense benefit while navigating your way through and beyond a separation or divorce.

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A far cry from academic learning by rote, Mindvalley courses are developed by the best teachers in the world and pulled together by a team of 200 people from 40 different countries.

One of the core meditation teachings through Mindvalley is awareness around negativity.

Allowing yourself to accept negativity without question can impact relationships with your ex, friends, family and even work colleagues because you are allowing yourself to be governed by emotions without taking charge of them.

Emily Fletcher, who has a free Masterclass on Meditation for Super Performance in the Mindvalley Academy, shares these tips on how to control your emotions and break free from a negative downward spiral will help you start to take control back.

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First of all – smile. While it can feel like the last thing you want to do, it is physiologically impossible to have bad feelings while you are smiling. So go on, give it a try.

Secondly, meditate. If you haven’t done it for a while, pick it back up. Or if this is a new concept for you, now is the perfect time to try.

Simply ‘being’ and focusing on your breathing for a few minutes without distractions can be enough to cause a shift in your mood.

Next, you can implement the 90-second rule. That is, whenever a negative emotion hits, give it a minute-and-a-half to pass through your system.

The final tip is to do what you love, because when you are immersed in an activity that you find joy and passion in, you will feel uplifted and fulfilled.

By empowering yourself with the knowledge to control your emotions, rather than letting them run riot with you day in, day out, you will become a stronger and more resilient person who is capable of taking on anything that life throws your way.

Better yet, by joining a global community like Mindvalley while you undergo this self-development, you will be connected with like-minded individuals of all ages and backgrounds who are embarking on their own journey.

Last year, thousands of Mindvalley Academy courses were cut by 90% to just 15 and the team began building new courses to make up a total of 30.

Why? Because Mr Lakhiani says they became obsessed with providing the perfect personal development courses.

“We decided to focus on offering the best courses with the best authors and take what we were creating to a whole new level of artistry to make it the best of its kind on the planet,” he says.

Authors now include Robin Sharma, Donna Eden, Neale Donald Walsch of Conversations with God, Don Miguel Ruize, who wrote some of the greatest spiritual works of our generation and the legacy of Alan Watts and Jose Silva.

“All of these legendary teachers are now collaborating with the Mindvalley Academy to bring new visions of learning and advancing human potential to the world,” Mr Lakhiani says.

“This obsession has been one of the most fun obsessions I’ve had in my life because it’s given new meaning to the work I do, it’s making me feel energized, getting out of bed every morning and creating things again, growing a whole new energy.”

“We want to be part of the world’s greatest personal growth revolution in human history over the next decade.”

To read more from Mind Valley Academy visit: www.mindvalley.com

@mindvalley

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