Crocus of Hope by Travis Alabanza, Anupama Chandrasekhar, Rabiah Hussain, Gurpreet Kaur Bhatti, Anthony Neilson and Rebecca Prichard Composed by Nick Powell Boris Text + Solo: Listening to er the er this this roadmap, it’s pretty obvious, you know, the crocus of of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both both literally and metaphorically, but I won’t be bucaneering as you put it with with people’s lives. The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both literally and metaphorically Verse 1: I’m picking the petals from your flower To scatter over our dead Open my mouth and no words come Cos no one’s listened to me for so long I don’t know how to speak But I know your hope You want me buying bikinis from Primark For holidays I’ll never take. You want me stuffing my face in pret a manger So that your city can feel real again. You want us sending our daughters down darkened streets ‘Protected’ by your police Keep your dirty hope Keep your dirty hope Chant & Chorus 1: My hope springs eternal The seed not the kernel A fire that’s Infernal A rage that will burn you The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both literally and metaphorically Verse 2: What spring? For the farmers elsewhere In India -but you don’t care The ploughs are forgotten The hoes are rusty Lands lie fallow homes lie dusty Seasons come and go
But spring is never near In an unrelenting place Where democracy cowers in fear Here, they sow hope In land that only knows power Where promises are scattered like dead seeds And laws are passed in a blur A hundred days have passed But they will not cede the ground Now the dug-up roads are their hearth The battlefield is their home Chant & Chorus 2: Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who’s the servant, who’s the master? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? But hope springs eternal The seed not the kernel A fire that’s Infernal A rage that will burn you The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both literally and metaphorically Verse 3: SPRING IS COMING REAL SOON, I SAW IT IN A SPONSORED POST BORIS JOHNSON OR SOME GONE OFF CHEESE WHICH ONE DYA LIKE THE MOST? I DONT CARE ABOUT SPRING, I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL, ALONGSIDE THATCHER, PRITI, STARMER, AND UR HOMOPHOBIC GRANDAD AS WELL SPRING IS COMING REAL SOON SO WE BETTER MOVE ON QUICK TWEET LIKE NORMAL, WORK REAL HARD FORGET ABOUT THE SICK I DON’T CARE ABOUT SPRING, WINTER FITS THE COUNTRY’S MOOD COLD AND BLEAK AND MISERABLE (scream) AND ALWAYS FUCKINGGG RUDE!!!!
Chant & Chorus 3: Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who’s the servant, who’s the master? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? But hope springs eternal The seed not the kernel A fire that’s Infernal A rage that will burn you The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both literally and metaphorically Verse 4: Fuck your Russian Roulette And greed divine Now the gun’s at your heads Let’s see who survives The Game is underway And history is avenged first You’re no longer the favourite son Now death has cocked the gun Churchill, Colston, Uncle Dickie No more salutes to your legacy Is the game rigged? One bullet brings down power and money Adulterous unions Cardinal sins We’ve been fucked enough This time: we win! Chant & Chorus 4: Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who’s the servant, who’s the master?
Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? But hope springs eternal The seed not the kernel A fire that’s Infernal A rage that will burn you The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on it’s way, both literally and metaphorically Verse 5: Parasitic tendency The only collective that they see: Is viral: Don’t resuscitate The state will not emancipate. Who’s the servant, who’s the master? Who will bring the end of days? Asphyxiate Contaminate Manipulate Annihilate But We will not forget Keep a memoir for posterity Rampaging corporations And the cuts and the austerity Chant & Chorus 5: Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who’s the servant, who’s the master? Fuck the machine Catastrophe reins - Who will profit from disaster Who is damned, who is saved? But hope springs eternal The seed not the kernel A fire that’s Infernal A rage that will burn you The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both literally and metaphorically The crocus of hope is poking through the er the frost and spring is on its way, both literally and metaphorically
EMILY GLITCHED IN PARIS BY ZAIN DADA The room emulates a French bistro. The lighting is dimmed. There is a table in the middle of the space, French bistro style with a white table cloth, wine glasses and a bottle of wine. Generic French bistro music playing in the background. French President Emmanuel Macron’s tweet, “La laïcité n’a jamais tué personne” is on one of the screens as a still at the start of the scene. A still from the series EMILY IN PARIS on another screen (or appears on the same screen afterwards). The audience is Emily - an American immigrant in France, and our view is shaped by hers (POV). We sit down and watch a young French-Algerian waiter pour a bottle of wine for Emily. We cannot see Emily but we can inexplicably hear her voice as a Voiceover.
EMILY VOICEOVER
Oh my Gosh, I feel like Nicole Kidman in Mulan Rouge.
Tres wonderful. Sameer offers a fake smile of recognition. One all too familiar to many who do similar jobs. SAMEER Enchanté. Welcome.. Welcome Emily.. to Paris. Our very own heaven on Earth. PAUSE. My name is Sameer & I am your waiter. EMILY VOICEOVER Bonjour! I can’t believe I’m drinking before noon! I’m Emily..You know I was recruited by an exclusive Parisian marketing agency.. to bring fresh eyes to the luxury brands you represent here.. SAMEER
(mutters) Merde.
EMILY VOICEOVER
OH. And to see the sights!
SAMEER Well.. if it’s the sights you’re looking for..The city of the Eiffel Tower, the world famous art gallery the Louvre.. You might want to.. visit the Michelin star restaurant Pierre Gagnaire.. EMILY VOICEOVER
You’re so lucky to live here..
SAMEER
Actually, I live in the banlieues.. it is like..
EMILY VOICEOVER
The BAN WHO?
PAUSE. SAMEER You might want to visit the Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris.. sadly ravaged by an unexplained fire.. SAMEER says the following sentence very quickly as if there is a glitch in the presentation of this utopia. During these ‘glitches,’ Sameer looks directly at Emily (the audience). The lights also flicker during these glitches. The city built off the backs of those the French brutally colonised from Guinea, Senegal to occupation of Algeria. EMILY VOICEOVER
C’est la vie!
SAMEER
Un moment.. I will bring your main.
SAMEER brings a bowl/plate to EMILY (without the contents of the bowl/plate being shown on camera. He places it onto the table. He looks at the camera as she eats. SAMEER
Pain de Poissons… served cold. Bon appetit.
PAUSE. The sound of Emily chewing. EMILY VOICEOVER
Oh wow. It… tastes like.. eating the past? And the future?
I mean I’ve only been here a few weeks and I love everything about it.. The fashion. The bistros. The streets, the smells.. the SEINE. Everything is just.. perfect. SAMEER corrects her pronunciation of Seine. SAMEER
Seine.
EMILY
SAYNE?
SAMEER
(mutters) Allah help me..
Talking about the Seine. The fish you are eating. It is from the river Seine. If you look out the window. …You see the architecture, the bistros and that bridge.. That is.. the Pont Saint-Michel. EMILY
So romantic..
SAMEER glitches again and says the following very quickly. The lights flicker again, The French National Police killed approximately
100-200 peaceful protesters marching for independence for Algeria. Many protesters were thrown into the Seine and drowned. Many were beaten. The French Government spent 37 years denying it. Only in 1998 did they admit guilt. Any teaching of it, documentation of it.. was censored.. cancelled. Morte. SAMEER seemingly breaks the glitch. The lights momentarily flicker but stabilise and are slightly brighter than before. He breaks off from the scene itself, the idea of the bistro. He takes off his apron and bends down at eye level with Emily (the audience). Now the lights have gone from dim to bright. Sameer speaks slowly, deliberately, as if he has found his voice. SAMEER
Secularism never killed anyone right?
You see there has never been a historic reckoning in France. We do not admit guilt, or the ever-present subjugation of the formerly colonised. PAUSE Liberté, égalité, fraternité. For some but not for all. We clean the streets, serve the bistros but the.. As SAMEER speaks, the Edith Piaf song, Je Ne Regrette Rien (No Regrets) begins to play. It drowns out his monologue completely. The lights are dimmed again, fading to black. END.
Horoscopes by Eve Leigh & Josh Elliott Bernie is at her desk. Typewriter, piles of paper, a pot of tea. This is going to be an all-nighter. She’s setting herself up. Writing to a deadline. She steels herself, stretches, shakes out, prepares to type. Signs of the zodiac appear on screen as we move between each piece. Bernie: I like Geminis. Flirtatious shitheads are my people, I gotta be honest with you. (she begins to type and speak as she types) Anyway this week is probably good. And in a really, you know, super-Gemini way. It’s a big week for love and romance and fun and - creation! (riffing) Creations. Creations maybe you began a while ago, they’re gonna start coming good this week. Now this is a full moon, so it could be - could be coming good this week, could be coming good in exactly six months’ time. Astrology’s convenient like that, could be now, could be later, could be the past, could be the future, nobody really knows. But we’re talking, right? She’s pleased with this as a start.
Cut Bernie: Scorpio… (Typing) You’re not the most liked star sign, I’ll be honest. Obsessive. Manipulative. Vengeful… Delete. Delete. Delete. It’s hard to think of something positive to say… Scorpions are cool? I guess. With the (mimes pincers). And the (mimes tail/sting). First land-dwelling animal. Apparently. And there’s this rumour, isn’t there, this myth that they will sting themselves to death… She thinks of someone she knows or has known But that’s scorpions. That’s not you. You? I think you’re hurting. I think you’re finding this a lot. I think maybe, sometimes, you have these thoughts… ? (Typing) Be kind to yourself I don’t know what the future holds. Not really. Pause. She looks at the camera. But I think you should be in it Cut Bernie is pouring a drink. She’s getting into her flow now. The desk is messier. Bernie: OK first I got a special message, to one particular Taurus, don’t worry about it, you’ll know if it’s for you: Fuck you, Dad! (typing) This is a hard week, yes? You’ve got a lot of stuff going on. I know this, because of the moon. Don’t worry about it. Anyway what I notice is that the stars - they’re in a nice angle, most of them. So I hope you’re doing good stuff! You’ve got a fair wind behind you. Sometimes in weeks like this it’s nice to remember that we actually, you know, we glow in the night sky. Like if there were people on Mars, you know, they’d be seeing us in the night sky and we glow just like Mars glows for us. We’re shining a thing on the rest of the solar system.
Cut Bernie drinking. She’s holding a piece of paper. She’s a little tipsy. More mess. Bernie: (Reading) Aries. She stops reading. Pauses in that slightly-too-long-way that tipsy people do. Aries. You’re straight. You’re white. You’re male. But worst of all, you’re rich. You are. You really are. You are. You don’t have to ‘feel it’ for it to be true. Aries, Aires, Aries. We are not in the same boat. You’re rich. I don’t have a boat. (Glances at the paper) And you don’t need a horoscope, Aries, to tell you that, as always, you’ll be ab-so-lute-ly fine. Fuck you, Brian–I mean, Aries– She glances one more time at the paper. Drops it. Cut Bernie has her head on the table. She’s talking into her arm. Head still on the table Bernie: Leo. Here’s your big challenge this week, Leo: shut up. That’s what you need to work on this week. That’s what you need to work on every week. (she looks up and down the lens of the camera) There’s some good stuff here for you. Not easy though. Your mouth gets you into trouble, you say things, and you KNOW, you have no intention of ever doing them. Right? OK so that’s what this week is about. You gotta get right with your word. It’s not easy! It’s a hard thing to get right with your word. But what I see here, with the position of the moon here, is that you are gonna be rewarded for doing that this week. I think it’s gonna be FUN, I think it’s gonna be NATURAL, I think it’s gonna feel good. That’s what I think.
Cut Virgo option 1: Bernie is outside smoking. The sign for Virgo comes up.
Virgo option 2: Bernie is outside smoking and message. We hear the woosh of a message being sent.
Virgo option 3: Bernie is outside smoking and texting. On her phone we see her select ‘Virgo’ as a contact, and type the following: TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME
Virgo option 4: Bernie is outside smoking. Bernie: (either spoken or as voiceover) Virgo. The only woman in the Zodiac.
Virgo option 5: Bernie is outside smoking.
Bernie: (either spoken or as voiceover) Virgo. Holding her own against gods and monsters.
Or some combination of the above. Cut Bernie’s drunk now. Close to the camera. Talking intimately. A kind of close confiding drunkness. Bernie: Libra Oh! You decided to open this link! That’s good! Most of the time you can’t even decide whether or not to wipe your ass! Anyway, hello. I don’t know folks. I feel like this has been a hard year for Libras especially. It’s such a confusing time, and a Libra’s natural state is to be confused anyway, it’s a lot. I wish it had been easier, I do. Anyway I have some good news for you, I guess. You look out at the moon, it was full on Sunday. This moon is your moon. Every sign gets one in the year, one full moon, one new moon. This week, it’s your full moon. I don’t know, I’m biased, I like Libras a lot. Cut Bernie is lying on the floor, we see her face shot in profile. She’s suddenly lucid and thoughtful. Bernie: Aquarius. You probably don’t have the bandwidth right now to think about your future. I bet you feel as far from the stars as you can get… You’re probably knackered after a long shift at the wherever, and the subsequent quest back home. Maybe you were so tired you allowed yourself an Uber–? Just this once. But this morning’s maths shows it cost you two of last night’s hours… You’ve probably been eating badly. Because eating otherwise takes energy and imagination and patience. I bet you had those once, in abundance. I bet it’s characteristic of your sign… But even though you barely slept, you didn’t think about the stars. You didn’t have the headspace. Because the rent’s going up. Because so’s travel. Because even seeing friends costs money. And you’ve been branded essential, Aquarius, but you don’t feel it. If I could make you feel it…? But you’re not seeing this. People only ask to know the future when there’s a chance they’ll like what they hear. If you were seeing this…? I guess I’d have to make something up.
Cut Bernie is back at the desk typing frantically. That 3am shot of energy.
Bernie: Capricorn. Why’d you click on this? Oh I know. It’s because you’re a Capricorn, and a Capricorn is a walking anxiety disorder. If you’re a Capricorn who reads horoscopes, boy have you got problems. I think you know you’ve been relatively lucky this year. It’s a hard year for everyone, but I think you know it was harder for a lot of people than it was for you. Capricorns are built for this shit, you’re GOATS, you know, eating rocks, walking on the edge of mountains. You should get a massage probably, once it’s safe. (Aside: You should get regular massages, but when has a Capricorn ever listened, forget it.) You know Capricorns don’t give up. Sometimes you need to carry other people but you’ll do it. You won’t give up. Cut Exhaustion has landed again. She adds red wine and tequila to the same glass. Bernie: (she winces) Cancer. Cut Bernie has her phone out again. She’s showing a picture of Sagittarius to the camera. Energy has returned.
Bernie: Look at that. That’s Sagittarius. Six limbs and hung like a horse… That’s you! Isn’t that perfect–?! That is so you. And as for your future…You’ve heard it a million times already… Tarot cards. Doctors. Palm-readers. Teachers. Fortune cookies. The Department of Work and Pensions. And there was that one time we tried it with the bones from a Bargain Bucket? We were really, really drunk…? Doesn’t count as chicken entrails, I checked. Anyway, my point is, all of it’s bollocks, isn’t it? But look. How cool is this…? Shows us her phone again, maybe brings it closer this time That non-conforming body is up there, right now. And it’s been there for ever. Cut Bernie comes up from doing a line on the table. Straight to camera. Bernie: Pisces. Oh you want a prediction? Here’s a prediction, Pisces: you’re probably crying right now. Well dry your eyes I guess because this is a nice month, coming up, it’s a nice week for you for sure. But you gotta shape up, you know! That’s what the planets are telling me. They’re all sending these beams to your home and family sector, they’re telling you, in the nicest possible way, that it’s time to clean your room, you know? But I think you know that. I think actually what they’re saying is you’re ready to clean your room, or whatever the thing is, where you just get a little more real, a little more serious… And I also have some nice news which is Venus is looking at you nice, whatever changes you’re gonna make they’re gonna be beautiful, and also you’re gonna be beautiful, there’s a little extra [Pepe Le Pew noises] about you during this time, you know what I mean? Cut Bernie has finished. She’s having an ice lolly. She’s happy.
When the world ends, I hope I’m doing karaoke by Travis Alabanza It’s a queer karaoke bar somewhere off Dalston as the world is ending. The world has been ending for a while now, and whoever is hosting the karaoke night has been hosting it since the end of the world was announced, which was last week. The energy is that of last orders in a bar, but a fun bar, it is messy and queer and camp and the end of the road. The host of the karaoke bar says all of this into the mic, as if addressing a packed bar, as if hosting the night of all nights to end all nights….. Host: And, and and she said “What is it with queuing to get my bloody toilet roll, anyone would think we were in the war?” Where war for Michelle, clearly means outside the Lidl of an area that she only heard about through Vice three years ago. Replace the barracks and bombs with having to que next to someone you wouldn’t be seen dead at a bottomless brunch with. Michelle was at war. At Lidl. On one side her, and her White Company coat with a Black lives Matter badge stuck on for monochromatic effect – and the other side, any slight personal inconvenience that may push back her 3 o’clock group breathing class on zoom. “Cueing for toilet roll, in this day and age?” And, and, and she scrunched up her nose, acted as if someone had bloody death dropped in front of her, turned around to me, and said –so loud that even two metres apart didn’t feel far enough– “this is SO unfair”. *audible over exaggerated gasp* And I thought, this really is, isn’t it Michelle This is so bloody not OK isn’t it Karen (pronounce name funny) This is the fucking pits isn’t it Anabellelalala-eh-eh-eh? I thought, as I looked at Anna Rose-Aberwysthworth Eliza brown’s disgusted, yet still marvellously composed, face, That life is just SO un-…fair? As Anna saw the toilet roll be rationed to three luxury quilts per family, I watched as her Dior-eye-cream smothered face cracked with the realisation that she was being punished… That not everything bad carries explanation…. That the end of the world, was upon her….. Oh what an inconvenience! But I couldn’t stop to unpack that with Anna, the end of the world had been called which means I was booked and blessed – so I got the Lidl brand party poppers that was on my list, and got ready in the cloakroom here so I could put on a fucking show.
I mean, no told me when signing the contract that I had to do this right up until the very last meteor strike, but at least we got one of the good bouncers on and that I’m not twiddling my thumbs, eh? Told Anna she could get a free drink on me if she promised to lighten up before coming in. Anyway…. “sing another Cher song” I hear you say. Yes, Snap out of it! It’s A Cher themed, end of the world, sing until we aren’t here no more party, not a fucking mother’s meeting. Forgive Me. M-X techie, *signals to a sound techie* Hit it! The beginning of Take me Home plays by Cher. As the song starts, the host reminds everyone it’s karaoke night, they try and focus on getting the energy back up, maybe party poppers pop, or a drink is drunk. The song begins, and they give the best performance they can, until it reaches “1:34 I’m in heaven, I’m in heaven, so much heaven….” Where after that bit, they do the next monologue ranting over the track….. Like time has passed and they are suddenly drunker after the show… Host (over track) The clubs, they all shut down when your end of the world started, but ours didn’t they just adapted you know. No time to wonder if it’s fair Annabel, cus we gotta fucking show up for each other! Where are you, Anna? Where are you when we really need you? I invited you at fucking Lidl and I’ve done 624 songs and you still aren’t here. I know I said earlier I didn’t care, but when I offered you a free drink token I really thought you’d come! How come it’s always the people being burned alive for the longest that know how to start a fire eh? The people that have always been trampled on that know how to have fun whilst dying? Only you could make the end of the world so bloody fucking miserable!!! Only you could make this so full of shitting misery rather than a chance to act what we’ve been practicing for!! Only you could stomp out any hope there is in destruction, and replace it with the same fucking pie chart on television every single day!! , and, and , and maybe we were waiting for you to catch up, so we could burn something together for once, Annabel?
Oh fuck it… Fuck it Anna, Fuck it bloody Boris, Fuck it fucking to fuck,
I’ll see you on the other side…. Changes back into host mode. Of this track! Ok ladies, gentlemen and gender fucking destroyers. I’ve been your host Trolley Takers, and you are here to celebrate Cher until the lights go out. Next up, for the 8th time today, The beginning of If I could Turn Back Time by Cher begins to play. The host gathers themselves. Ready to give one last killer performance. (over the top of the intro) If I could turn back time. Sing if you know it. God Bless you Cher, I know you aren’t afraid of the end…. Ok, here we go….
SPIKE A FASCIST’S GUIDE TO DEMOCRACY By Anupama Chandrasekhar VLOG 1: INTRODUCTION Hello closet fascists! Welcome to my vlog! For years, many of you have been asking me: “How did you get to be the world-famous fascist you are today?” “What sort of training did you get?” “How can I be a good fascist like you?” The truth is... I wasn’t always like this. At preschool, I was the kid who was never given a full set of crayons. At school, I was the kid who played tag all by himself. At university, I was still version zero point zero. One day, I had had enough. I told myself, I’d make everyone SEE me. I worked for months and came up with a system that would catapult me to prominence. Suddenly, classmates were begging to write assignments for me. Professors were grading me with distinction for tests I never took. I joined politics, made truckloads of money. And then, one day, I found myself the undisputed leader of my country... a democracy! Now for the first time, I’m going to share my 4-step system with you so that you too can become a fascist ruler in a democracy. Like me. If you wish to know more, click on the link and pay a “small” subscription fee to my shell account in the Cayman Islands.
VLOG 2: HOW YOU CAN BECOME A DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED DICTATOR IN FOUR EASY STEPS – PART 1 When I first became a politician, people said: “He’s not a peoples’ person.” “He has zero communication skills.” “He has only 11 friends on Facebook.” “He cannot succeed in politics.” But I proved them wrong. This is what I learnt from the college of hard knocks. It’s okay if people don’t like you. Likeability is a liability in my book. Your success does not depend on any BS such as talent and personality. What it does depend on is: What you can do to people and what you can do for people, well, some. Keep this in mind as we navigate our four steps to becoming a democratically elected dictator. Step 1. Don’t cultivate friends, cultivate thugs. I suppose friends are fine. But thugs are more efficient. Reward your most effective thugs as you climb up the ladder. Step 2. Cultivate moneybags. Look, everyone is greedy. It’s patriotic to be greedy. But we don’t want everyone to be wealthy and have a good life. Just a chosen few allies. And they, my friends, will be your bank and army. There’s more but first, click on the link below to prove you’re a robot.
VLOG 3: HOW TO BECOME A DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED DICTATOR IN FOUR EASY STEPS - PART 2 I'm going to be honest here. It's not going to be easy to uproot democracy overnight. Initially, you'll have to go through some tiresome democratic processes, like standing for elections. But if you play your cards right, the first election is the only one you’ll ever need to stand for in your life. How? Step 3. Off your opponents. Yes, all of them. In politics you must develop a taste for blood. If you’re squeamish, you could possibly “persuade” them to withdraw. Put your thugs and moneybags to work so that you get elected unopposed. Yes, there may be some objection after you win. But if left unchecked, a murmur can grow to a high-decibel insurrection. Step 4. So, off the dissenters. Yes. Anyone who disagrees with you is your enemy. Activists, members of the opposition, writers. Farmers. Nip them in the bud before we end up with too much democracy. Be brave. Tear-gas them. Shoot them. Brand them as terrorists and jail them. The majority will turn to you and beg you, for the sake of the nation, to lead them through dark times. This is how I became the supreme leader of my nation. If I can, you can too. Good luck! First answer the survey for a detailed step-by-step roadmap to infinite power.
New Order By Margaret Perry Hi Siobhán! Good news. Bissell 2024E Featherweight Bagless Upright Vacuum Cleaner is on its way! We just need to take a quick photo on delivery. We’ve emailed you the photo. You can see the dust on that floor under your bare feet. Siobhán, we’ve got your order of Betron BS10GVC Noise Cancelling Earphones, In Ear Headphones with Microphone and Volume Control, Powerful Bass Sound. Your order will be delivered TOMORROW, between 12.37 and 14.37. Let us know if you won’t be home. We’re guessing you will be. We imagine you will be sitting in the exact spot you’re sitting in right now, trying to drown out the sound of your neighbour watching the American Office on the other side of the wall. Hi there! Thank you for ordering Muji Candle RELAX Lavender and Sandalwood. We’re working hard to get your order to you. We’ll let you know as soon as it ships. AS SOON as it ships, you will be the first to know. We will alert you IMMEDIATELY upon dispatch and we ask that you be ready. Your order of CBD Oil 5% 10 ml has been placed. Your order will be delivered by Hermes. Sorry. We are sorry that Muji Candle RELAX Lavender and Sandalwood could not be delivered, as you were out on a stupid little walk when delivery was attempted. We have left it with someone whose name is illegible on this piece of paper. Thanks for your order! We’ve handed your order of CBD Oil 5% 10ml to our Hermes delivery partner. He might leave it at your door, it depends. He’s really tired. He hasn’t been sleeping lately either. He has this pain in his stomach that he’s a bit worried about but he’s more worried about wasting NHS resources, plus he’s scared to go to a place where there might be sick people. Follow the journey of your order here. At 5am, watch it creep up the M25 towards the rising sun. Close your eyes. Wake to the buzzer. Your order’s in the kitchen! You are also in the kitchen, looking out the window at the man across the way who is cooking at the same time he always cooks and you never cook, well not never, but. Suez is delivering your McDonalds by bike, he’s on his way with your Big Mac, you total, total slob. Siobhán, thank you for ordering so many things. We know that when you get so low you cannot move or speak, you can still click. We’re glad you’ve been able to keep your job and we really appreciate how much of your money you are spending on trying to make yourself feel good. Click, 600 thread count Egyptian cotton double sheet Bright White, click, Janik scandi-style bedside table, click, blue-light glasses x1, click, Extra Long Hot Water Bottle Dusty Pink Cover, click, the collected photography of Wolfgang Tillmans, click, 30 X KN95 mask, click, 100% wool socks Grey, click, click, click Is it working? There’s no need to answer that, we don’t care.
Siobhán - thank you so much for ordering “Miniature fruit 1:12 scale realistic miniature food for dolls pack of ten”. We have hand-picked a selection of our freshest miniature fruit for you. As a local independent business, your support means the world to us at this unprecedented time, heart emoji. We hope to see you again soon. Love, The Miniature Greengrocers. SIOBHAN holds the tiny fruit in her hand – apples, oranges, a coconut, a banana. Our customer reviews are 98% positive. “Just perfect for our miniature world.” “So real-looking you want to take a bite!” “The ideal fit in my little kitchen.” SIOBHAN leaves a review. When my miniature fruit arrived and I held them in my hand, something extraordinary happened to me. In a sea of same, I felt, a new sensation. I don’t do drugs but looking at this tiny fruit makes me understand why people do. I look at this miniscule apple and I feel - enormous. I feel enormous, and very, very, powerful. SIOBHAN smiles. Thank you. They’re perfect.
An ode to the underground and Ms Sharon Le Grand. By Travis Alabanza Ms Sharon is stood centre stage/area. She is commanding. It is as if she owns the royal court. She has her drink of choice in one hand, and if possible, a lit cigarette in the other. She is doing her version of the Queen’s speech. With an energy that is cheeky, righteous and riotus, like she is telling a joke that only she is in on. Ms Sharon: Good Dawning to Thee Royal Courters, how nice of you to show up. Courting, Courted, Cruising, Cruised, To be or not to be, To be fucked or do the fucking, Tomato, Tom-ah-to, Sissy, Sister, Theatre, The-ah-tre, who gives a critic’s ass, it’s just nice to be above the bloody ground for once. You see, for months now my head has been buried in a tiny little hole, on the left hand side of a road, deep deep underground, nestled right below the sewers, just past a tube station in an area you posh gits wouldn’t dream of going without a camera crew. You see, my head has been so far down that tiny tiny little , desolate, devil’s dumpground hole for months, that I had no idea culture was still a happening thing! I had no idea you were all up here, above ground, courting around and choosing which monologue to recite next! I had no bloody idea you were all mid zoom plays, and petitions, and emergency grant schemes, and celebrities singing covers of covers – I just had no idea, you see.. Because I was in my tiny little no-art-just-arson hole. below the fucking ground, where I’ve been for all these bloody years – where there must not be a culture to recover? No artiste to save? No theatre box office to rally behind? So how was I to know? That you were all here? Waiting for me? To welcome you? To sing you a little song? I mean maybe you emailed me, but either we have no internet in our tiny little hole or I can’t remember whether to sign off the email with Kind Regards or Go Fuck Yourself You Vulturous Cunt – so I never got back to you. But thank fuck one of your lovely researchers who was doing their dissertation on us, in our tiny little hole, bumped into me after he was trespassing in our little no culture having house. Yeah he just let himself in, then he saw the sight of us and he screamed and said we were robbing him. Obviously at first that felt confusing because how could we rob him, he was in our house taking pictures to sell online, but then I ended up doing his makeup for a stag do he was on for 30 quid and an oyster card and he told me about this bloody invite… To sing a song for you… To go above fucking ground! So I made the journey for you. I put my nice shoes on, spritzed the perfume that smells the most like Queen Liz, pushed past the skeletons of queens that have tried to make the journey above ground before, kissed a couple legends on the way out who gave me some parting words – and I trekked all the way through the sewers to get to here. Sloane bloody square. Gorgeous. Riveting.
You see in my tiny little hole, there is nothing but underground Goblin creatures much like myself. Making the lights turn on without no electricity bill. Just put twenty drag kings and queens and things on a hamster wheel and make us run fast enough and eventually a flicker of neon light, that you designers will put on your mood boards 2 years later, appears. You see in my tiny little hole, there is no SEISS grant, or arts council funding, or picketing line of middle class mums donating for our survival, so we commiserate by throwing the best fucking party for years to come to wallow in our lack of invite. You see, in my tiny little hole, there is no professionally trained, no schools of thought, no big national archive to hide behind, but god knows we know how to break a jaw in the fourth wall, get an audience to participate into buying us a drink, and understand the line trodding between humour and a gut punch more than anyone. You see, in my tiny little hole, well – it isn’t actually that tiny – it is in fact a gaping, large, expanding, inclusive, wide, all encompassing, underground, dark but beautiful, gaping – did I say gaping – hole? That is filled with monsters and queers and fuck jobs and pervs and politics and party and artists and geniuses and fucking comedians and trailblazers and people that did not even know that this “party “ above ground was bloody happening….. Or maybe we just are used to not being invited? Sorry, I’m going on a bit, aren’t I? Bit cheeky… I’m just here to invoice for singing a song, right? I hope this isn’t one of those posh places that take 30 days to pay…. Hit it. Ms Sharon gives a smile, and clicks to cue the music. She sings her acoustic version of Cheeky Girl to the crowd. Revelling in her skill.
Plays with the camera crew and trauma porn What was the invite to be here? What was the journey
The Foreign Invasion; - or - Mr Johnson, taking control of things By Sami Ibrahim An actor changes into a Boris Johnson costume - then puts on a costume of a map of Britain.
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Here’s a quick history lesson.
In 1793, the French declared war on Britain. We thought France was going to invade, so Britain was put on a war footing. And a cartoonist, he was called James Gillray, drew something to represent what was going on. A cartoon - and it’s a real cartoon - called: A New Map of England and France A sign is put up: ’A New New Map of England’. It featured a grotesque George III, in the shape of the country he ruled, relieving himself on some French warships. Send them back, it proclaims. Show them what we’re made of. Show them Britain did not, does not, and will not back down. The actor has now fully changed into the map costume. Big or small, we can handle any invader. Napoleon? Fuck off back to France. Hitler? Fuck off back to Germany. The EU? Fuck off back to Brussels. Covid? Fuck off back to China. Migrants? Fuck off back to wherever you came from. The title of the cartoon goes up: ‘The Foreign Invasion; - or - Mr Johnson, taking control of things’ Nurses? Fuck off full stop. Anyone on universal credit, free school meals? Take your pick. We’ll shit on ourselves if we have to. We are unafraid: any threat - from anywhere - and any angle - at any point. We know what to do. Pause. Then the map does a big, explosive, long-lasting shit. It goes everywhere. We know how to take control. *
SHE BLOWS LTD. A short play by Rebecca Prichard
PERFORMANCE DRAFT A Hairdressers in a semi-post apocalyptic setting. Two clients sit on chairs while two hairdressers stand behind them. HAIRDRESSER ONE I’m gonna kind of feather out this fringe – graduate around the face a bit and layer It is that ok? YOUNG WOMAN Yeah – yep OLD WOMAN I just wanna shave it off HAIRDRESSER TWO (To the “Old Lady” he is styling) Yeah? Gonna switch things up a bit? Total re-style OLD WOMAN I just want it all off me (Rolling around in cut hair I just wanna shave it all off –completely start again HAIRDRESSER TWO OK!! well you’ve got lovely cheekbones so… HAIRDRESSER ONE So what about the length at the back (He hold up a lock of hair and shows where he will cut) About that much off? The YOUNG WOMAN stifles a yawn and is caught out by the hairdresser watching her in the mirror YOUNG WOMAN (Smiling) Sorry – had a bit of a late one last night! HAIRDRESSER ONE ( joking) Yeah – bit of a session? Not keeping you up are we? YOUNG WOMAN No! Just feeling a bit (she signals ‘dodgy’ with her hand) HAIRDRESSER ONE Skin a bit crawling is it?! They laugh together a bit, but then he suddenly flicks her quite hard on the side of her face with his comb in a disciplinary way. She flinches HAIRDRESSER ONE
First night of freedom was it? YOUNG WOMAN (Plays it down worried he might flick her again) Oh just some friends I hadn’t seen for ages HAIRDRESSER ONE Aw. Well I’m well jell. HAIRDRESSER TWO Doing anything nice this weekend? HAIRDRESSER ONE I knew it was gonna be ‘mad busy’ in here today so I thought I better get an early night and some rest last night, so I didn’t go out. OLD LADY Not really – HAIRDRESSER ONE And my partner works in A&E so I thought I better stay in and wait for him HAIRDRESSER TWO No plans at all…? OLD WOMAN I’ll probably just stay at home and stick things in my cunt just to see if they fit HAIRDRESSER ONE senses the YOUNG WOMAN feels a bit guilty that his partner was doing some ‘good work’ and he reinforces this straightening her head sharply HAIRDRESSER ONE Head up please (He flicks her briefly with the comb) Thought I couldn’t very well rock up at like 2am smelling of like fags and booze and be all “Alright love, ‘ave a good night?” OLD WOMAN I don’t know if I’ll be able to come when I’m dead. So - you know - (makes some sort of poking gesture) Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today HAIRDRESSER TWO (Not listening) Mmm (The OLD WOMAN rolls her yes - giving up on shocking HAIRDRESSER TWO. The YOUNG WOMAN thinks quite hard about whether to express empathy to the A&E nurse, or her hairdresser and how to say the right thing. She opts for empathising with hairdresser one) YOUNG WOMAN – so did you not get to go out at all? You didn’t get to celebrate the end of lockdown – oh no!
HAIRDRESSER ONE
Yeah and, you know what - to top it off - after, spending all night on my wad – and staying in - I didn’t even get any sleep, did I! Had my crazy neighbour banging on my door all night instead Woman that lives downstairs. She’s fucking bat-shit bonkers Shall I put a treatment on the ends – they feel a bit dry YOUNG WOMAN Is she? Crazy? (He backcombs her hair to create tangles and then combs them out roughly, she straightens her posture but he continues to comb roughly YOUNG WOMAN Ow sorry - that’s a bit pulling actually HAIRDRESSER ONE (Casually, while continuing as he was) Is it - sorry HAIRDRESSER So I was more knackered staying in than I would have been if I’d gone out OLD WOMAN My friend said to me, I fear I will lose my mind if we do a second lockdown – then there we were – third one YOUNG WOMAN (Sensing he may be a bit angry with her at some level and so trying to win him over) Oh have you got a crazy neighbour – I’ve got a crazy neighbour as well – HAIRDRESSER TWO Any plans for the weekend? YOUNG WOMAN Glances st the old woman? I think she follows me
OLD WOMAN (Giving in) I might see my daughter and my grandson, at the weekend, her son I mean - been so long I’m s bit nervous to be honest Some days If I didn’t speak to myself I think I might not remember how to talk! I just want to see every single person I’ve ever met and drink in their eyes – drink them like a drink. ‘Specially my grandson. It’s gonna be like the first time I’ve ever seen them. Like they’re all new YOUNG WOMAN (Confirms to the YW that the OLDWOMAN is a bit weird) Yeah. (HAIRDRESSER ONE glances across at the OLD WOMAN a bit jealous she is taking attention. He slaps on more treatment to hair roughly to remind her to focus on him and she catches his eye in the mirror and feels apologetic. He sometimes randomly massages her head in the middle of long speeches, even though he is at the cutting stage of the treatment
HAIRDRESSER ONE Isn’t it always the way though when you’ve got your feet up and your sacked out on the couch someone knocks on your door saying they need something like a fucking cup of sugar or, you to borrow your phone or an ambulance or something (Like I say) I mean There I was – all sacked out on, feet up, having a night in all by myself – getting ready for the big Opening – naked – stark bollock naked on me faux leather – sweaty balls and sweaty buttocks on me fake leather couch when Up this bitch rocks from downstairs, knocking on me door - wrapped in nothing but a towel He puts his hands on the Young Woman’s neck and she is momentarily worried he will strangle her but then he adjusts her robe or runs the gesture into smoothing out her shoulders OLD LADY Learn to appreciate things don’t you – with all the lockdowns_ The little things You feel the time dwindling don’t you. The time you have left. We don’t know how much more we have left And you’re spending most of it all on your own HAIRDRESSER TWO Yeah YOUNG WOMAN And what did she want? HAIRDRESSER ONE Fuck knows –– but when I open my door – there she is OLD LADY People’s kindness people have been very kind even in lockdown – I s’pose it’s changed us in a way for the better I think.. HAIRDRESSER ONE Standing there naked in a white bed sheet spattered with blood YOUNG WOMAN Really Oh my God! HAIRDRESSER TWO Hold on a minute love (He goes to find a piece of equipment that can be used as a murder weapon?) HAIRDRESSER TWO is annoyed with the OLD WOMAN’s view on lockdown and quietly strangles her with the rope of her salon gown or the cable of a hair straightener OLD WOMAN
(As she is killed) We’ve had to learn to appreciate more, to slow down, mind the little things All of us have had to change for the better The OLD LADY croaks/ is strangled) HAIRDRESSER So anyway, the woman downstairs is like, she’s like ‘I’ve killed, my husband – him, he’s dead’ YOUNG WOMAN Oh my God! The YOUNG WOMAN sees the POTENTIAL REDHEAD take the OLD WOMAN’s place through her peripheral vision and becomes even more ‘obedient’ POTENTIAL REDHEAD (Sitting in front of HAIRDRESSER ONE) Sorry I’m a bit late I got stuck behind a fucking great bus and then someone stole my parking spot. They say we’re all meant to be being nicer to each other after this lockdown! She didn’t seem to have got the memo HAIRDRESSER TWO Oh sorry about that. YOUNG WOMAN (Glancing at POTENTIAL REDHEAD) Wow? Really? HAIRDRESSER TWO regrets killing the old woman and having a replaced by someone who seems a bit coarser or more self-centred. He flicks her with his comb. POTENTIAL REDHEAD assumes this was a mistake or is used to the occasional flick and ignores it HAIRDRESSER TWO I never believed all that anyway – about lockdown making people nicer, did you? I’m not sure Mind you, you’re asking he wrong person about lockdown. Cos I’m selfish me HAIRDRESSER ONE Yeah - She’s standing there in her birthday suit All calm and professional HAIRDRESSER TWO The first three months were good. We had more time You notice it. More time with family, all that. HAIRDRESSER ONE At first when I heard her knock I thought ‘Oh it’s the woman from the groundfloor flat again. She’s fallen HAIRDRESSER TWO (Less pollution) More time for making sourdough and doing zoom quizzes. But then reality kicks in doesn’t it. HAIRDRESSER ONE or He’s had a go at her again and nearly shattered her spine” HAIRDRESSER TWO
We can’t all just be pickling or own shit/ sauerkraut for the rest of our lives) HAIRDRESSER ONE Wait there for me love0 (He goes to anwser a phone off?) HAIRDRESSER TWO I s’pose like I say I’m a bit of a cynic though YOUNG WOMAN Shattered spine HAIRDRESSER TWO Like we’ve got to just get one with it now haven’t we – we’ve got to get back to normal haven’t we. I The world can’t just grind to a halt I understand certain people need to be protected, but why do we have to sacrifice our entire livelihood for them? I mean– this country has been battered completely – the economy I mean – it’s haemhorrhaging, it’s on its knees – it’s bleeding like a constant bloodletting, The whole country is surviving on one massive government bung. It’s like an open vein We need to go back to some semblance of normality POTENTIAL REDHEAD I think this lockdown has shown our strength – how strong we know we can be when we pull together HAIRDRESSER I hate it when people say things like that to be honest – like ‘its brought us together’ How? Just because we been locked inside a few months. I mean what do people think – we’ve all changed cos we’re sat at home bingeing on Netflix? We’re dog shit like we always were – utter crud What side do you normally have your parting? POTENTIAL REDHEAD Over here She points to where her parting normally is She slowly cuts a wound along where her parting would be along the top of her head and blood runs down her forehead and over her eyes. The client feels it is inevitable but is quietly upset and horrified as she looks in the mirror HAIRDRESSER TWO (Wondering if she’s horrified because she got the wrong colour) You did say red didn’t you? Yeah - sometimes when I think about people, sometimes I wish there was a hole in the ozone that would suck us all away and suck away all the shite that surrounds people who are filled with shit: Vermin and Phlegm Just tilt your head back a bit for me that’s it thank you HAIRDRESSER ONE
(Randomly, as if shocked by HAIRDRESSER TWO) Is it? So –- there she is standing in my hallway pale as a sheet – like a robot – no emotion “he’s bubbling at the mouth, you;ve got to come and help me –my husband he’s bubbling in the mouth” I thought ‘Who?’ I don’t even know her. I’ve only ever seen her once or twice in her And her tiny daughter, standing in her pyjamas covered in blood, like a ghost I thought “What can they want with me?” You know when people are in shock and they don’t know their own strength – she was totally calm but she was gripping my hand and like a vice and wouldn’t let go! YOUNG WOMAN oh my and -what had he had a stroke or - had she killed him? Had she like – had a lockdown moment and offed her husband? Shit! HAIRDRESSER ONE I dunno – I mean you’d never think it of them they were very So he mimes “straight laced” he mimes ‘poker faced’ Straight But they were minted I mean I never spoke to them very much I know he worked in markets Currency trading, offshore property, private equity and trade financing or something. He just won a massive contract supplying PPE to the government. But they never spoke to us. We’re like a zoo to them, aren’t we. Poor people are like a zoo to rich people, I think? Oh yeah let’s come round and watch the animals. They’re the bottom flat and the richest people in the whole building with a massive garden and a - you know – a home office on it- and ton of well to do like – I mean they shit money – in their sleep – and you can hear it swishing around inside them even in the day – all their shares ticking and ticking and going up in value, keeps me up at night, they’re fucking loaded. Not that I’m any better – I’d love to piss a pint or pot of gold every morning! I’d love to have money just blowing out my arse like they do. Creaming out my tits, Like that all day long, shitting bloody great bricks of gold. Sorry did you want it sleek and straight or beachy YOUNG WOMAN Beachy OLD MAN vomits blood
HAIRDRESSER TWO Would you like me to carve up the back of your head as well? HAIRDRESSER TWO holds up a mirror so her client can see the back of her head
HAIRDRESSER ONE Alright just tip your head over for me love – that’s it (He pulls her chair back so she can lean forward) She prepares for one of those blow dries where they ask the person to tip their head upside down and have their hair scrunch dried Just lean forward for me, that’s it – over – thank you – tip your head over (He holds her head down) YOUNG WOMAN (Bobbing up a bit or resisting being forced down in order to ask more questions) So what did you do – did you go and help her – did you see her husband – what happened? HAIRDRESSER ONE has to raise his voice as HAIRDRESSER TWO is randomly using a hairdryer HAIRDRESSER ONE Like I say she was just standing there like completely calm YOUNG WOMAN Oh my God HAIRDRESSER ONE And she’s staring right at me - “My husband’s dying I’ve killed him” like I say. YOUNG WOMAN Oh my shit! (Bobbing up The YOUNG WOMAN glimpses HAIRDRESSER TWO about to kill his client or is carving her up really badly and the YOUNG WOMAN begins to struggle but HAIRDRESSER ONE holds her to her chair HAIRDRESSER TWO takes the GIANT RAZOR and slits POTENTIAL REDHEAD’s throat HAIRDRESSER ONE] “Then she’s like “: And now there’s a dead man in my flat “ Like he’d dropped out the sky or something ‘There’s a dead man in my flat” YOUNG WOMAN (Terrified at her own potential fate) Shit! Oh my God So she…? (Struggling to get away, but held firmly Why did she let him? Why did she…? Why didn’t she run or try to get away or Before she … Why (looking desperately over at POTENTIAL REDHEAD) didn’t she at least try to get away before it got to The redhead is clutching her throat and trying to speak out a warning to the YOUNG WOMAN
The HAIRDRESSER’s exchange looks and HAIRDRESSER TWO sees that the YOUNG WOMAN is almost getting away so hands HAIRDRESSER ONE the giant razor
HAIRDRESSER ONE FACE FORWARD for me love – that’s it (She bites his hand he sucks it then quickly holds her down as she almost gets away Using intense physical force but a calm voice – NB Hairdresser 1 is “violent but restrained” at first HAIRDRESSER ONE Could You just FACE forward and HOLD your head still PLEASE Just HOLD - just COULD YOU FUCKING FACE FORWARD and HOLD YOUR FUCKING HEAD STILL. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU!! She bites him again or hurts him as she tries to struggle free and he slashes a massive wound across her neck or beats her with a hairdryer. HIARDRESSER ONE Yeah ‘I’ve Killed him’ she says (blow to the young woman’s head)! Killed Him Killed him? HAIRDRESSER TWO pours a chemical burn on top of the REDHEAD’s head as well as having slashed her throat. A small wisp of smoke emerges from her scalp and she screams ‘in horrific pain as the YOUNG WOMAN’s throat is also slit or she falls to the floor with a head wound In previous section, The TWO HAIRDRESSERS are quite exhausted and mop their brows and look at the bloody and chaotic mess around them, but soon another client shows up. A SECOND YOUNG WOMAN. HAIRDRESSER TWO begins sweeping up hair from the floor, carefully sweeping around the blood and corpses, as if it is important these are left where they are (the previous clients clothes and bloodied wigs can represent their corpses if there are not enough actors) HAIRDRESSER ONE immediately tends to the SECOND YOUNG WOMAN who seems traumatised, slightly disorientated and in a state of PTSD, possibly with some visible bruises or wounds. She looks at the bodies (or representations of bodies) on the floor and wonders if she is hallucinating or having intrusive images or if she has come ‘to the right place’ SECOND YOUNG WOMAN Sitting herself in front of the mirror I want to be somebody completely new. I want to lose myself. Can you make me somebody completely new please? HAIRDRESSER ONE Sure –that’s right sit yourself down love He puts a gown on her Time to ring the changes and switch it everything up is it? Well you’ve come to the right place “New do, new you”, that’s what I always say People don’t realise how much their hair effects them and their mental health – but it does. I think this lockdown has shown us He treads on the hand of a corpse and kicks it away
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN (Stunned at where she finds herself – it feels so wrong and yet so ‘right’) Are you really open or She looks at the corpses What’s happened? HAIRDRESSER ONE Eyes up my love, that’s it. Time to focus on you now (He diverts her gaze from the corpses on the floor0 This your time for some ‘me’ time and total relaxation A bit of self-care and pampering
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN (Tearful or deeply uneasy) I definitely don’t feel right in myself HAIRDRESSER ONE You remind me of the poor woman who knocked on my door last night. I was telling her (He gestures to the corpse of the other YOUNG WOMAN on the floor) About this poor woman Whose husband was beating her Practically to death And who finally cracked Who was climbing the walls and then – bang – took his life The SECOND YOUNG WOMAN feels as if she has come to confront herself and although she feels vulnerable and at-risk she faces her own reflection squarely in the mirror SECOND YOUNG WOMAN Sometimes you don’t want to recognise yourself Sometimes you would give anything to be a stranger to yourself, like anyone-else Like to just walk past your own self in the street like you mean nothing You want to be not there, but you don’t want to end your life, ending your life feels too much You want to be just your reflection but without dying – HAIRDRESSER ONE (Egging her on, fascinated, false empathy) Yeah? SECOND YOUNG WOMAN Did she end it? HAIRDRESSER ONE takes this as news that she did SECOND YOUNG WOMAN (Reckoning with the experience genuinely in some way, despite HAIRDRESSER ONE) Sometimes it’s like someone punched the thoughts right out of your head and you can’t think Did you know them – did you know her? HAIRDRESSER No. No (Emphatic no as he is worried he is now going to be haunted) Not really. I saw him more,
I mean I didn’t see him, just I saw him… He sometimes worked on the computer in his garden office. Working on the Tokyo exchange in the night. I could see him in his little office garden. All the shades down He could buy and sell within fractions of a second You could hear his brain working all over the building, thinking nothing, just calculating calculating, whirring. I couldn’t bear the sound. He dealt in money. Currency fluctuations. Viruses inside systems. Escaping, Death. Tremors in exchange rates put tremors through the whole building. Even in here. (He looks around at the pipes) The pipes. (Shaking) And he grew his wealth daily by massive, massive amounts. At first, he measured his wealth by all kinds of things, not just length, volume, weight, but time itself as well. Before that he measured it by —the length of his finger or a limb, the volume of a random container, the weight he could carry in his arms, the duration of a sneeze or a season. But then he stopped. Because he couldn’t feel his wealth anymore. And so he measured it in time But apart from the garden office, the passing of days and accumulation of profit through our own lives together (in the building) was nil CAPITALIST GHOST SECOND YOUNG WOMAN Sometimes you do one thing Sometimes you can’t see past
. Sometimes your own life is like an addiction You want to stop taking money but you can’t. It’s like an addiction They shovel earth on your face - they’re killing you before your dead. And you slip And its like a rock, before you know it
– a slap is a kick is a punch is a drowning – all the same. And they push you down, every day it’s like being with them is like being held under water on and on and on and – you only know you’ll die and your children one day will. being held under water on and on and on and no end and every day you don’t know – your children …will And you write your name on that. Until you can’t breathe and you’re gone until you have money again And it’s the house and its everything and ‘what would people say’ and it crumbling and the ‘where would I go?” and “what would I do?’ and now I’m a man who wants to lose everything and can’t Can’t breathe
‘What would people say?’ ‘Where would I go?’ And now I’m someone who wants to lose everything and can’t
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN Your mind is just words. Meaningless. No order to them . Madness. And you’re drowning in your thoughts – HAIRDRESSER TWO (Into the air) That’s it just tilt your head up for me a bit that’s it love (tip your head forward for me love – that’s right)
YOUNG WOMAN (Looking across And was he dead, the man? And what was he was he dead ? (As if it could have been her) Had she killed him? HAIRDRESSER ONE Yes I assume That’s what she told me SECOND YOUNG WOMAN (Hopeful) Maybe … But maybe… she tried to kill him and he didn’t die \ (Tearful) Maybe she thought she wanted to… But then she couldn’t Maybe she couldn’t go through with it Maybe- maybe – he was shocked- he was traumatised – but he didn’t die (Grasping at straws. Hoping she did not kill her husband. But despairing that she did as images intrude in her mind) Maybe she dreamt it (Remembering killing him, traumatic images haunt her) (Looking into the eyes ofHAIRDRESSER ONE desperately, pleading with him to tell her she did not kill her husband Maybe she hurt him but she couldn’t – couldn’t kill him – couldn’t hurt him/ couldn’t take his life!? HAIRDRESSER ONE (Refusing to give her the comfort she hopes for, refusing to lie) I didn’t actually see him So I suppose I couldn’t say…All I know, she led me into the bedroom. And he was laying there on the floor. Looking like a sack of nothing - like something wouldn’t even be on a nature program
SECOND YOUNG WOMAN (Hoping the whole episode may have been an haullcination) Nothing there? HAIRDRESSER ONE I dunno – I still don’t know (what I saw) Like I say When I went up there But there was nothing Almost just a stain on the carpet - nothing else (he was laid out: (Suit tie money I touch him And He’s disappearing It’s like he’s rotting in front of my eyes. It’s like one minute he’s blood, then he’s gas and flesh and worms and then dust and dust and then there’s nothing left of him at all Like he was never there Like he rotted in front of my eyes in fast motion And never, she was there And there’s just a shape of him where he was Like small pieces of ash or paper scattered over the carpet Like we fast-forwarded a hundred years and he was rotted and gone All gone There’s a hole where they were. Not even a stain. Just a plain carpet And his daughter dancing, crying – (like a bomb imploding) twirling – crying dancing YOUNG WOMAN Christ HAIRDRESSER ONE Yeah ‘Christ’ All the corpses on the floor begin to groan from their various deaths under capitalism. The OLD WOMAN might sit up with a gaping throat, but then we close in on CAPITALIST GHOST until just his head his visible in the shot CAPITALIST GHOST They don’t tell you when you are alive Money is nothing (They shovel earth on your face from the moment you’re born It’s nothing You think life is Sacred It’s nothing My own skin, always too tight on my face Always chucking up blood from my own guts People giving me their money People still believing in me Stop BELIEVING IN ME (I am a handful of ASH) (I am a fucking death mask)
I AM NOTHING Leave me alone Stop giving me your hope your flesh your MONEY My tie was too tight around my neck There were bubbles in my lungs (I tried to tell them) (I said if you don’t – I’m going to) There were shares People held I scrapped things so people were injured and died I introduced poison into the world I gambled – I didn’t stop I dealt in poison I flooded things I turned everything into a form of pollution I have encouraged suicide There are friends that I have lied to, that have leant me money and I have squandered it, on lies and debt and gambling bad debts– their money, given their lives to… I have killed the sick and needy,I have leaned into them pressed on them like fruit People kept pressing money into me, (I asked them to stop pressing) them to stop, they kept on, turning everything into junk in my name IN MY NAME I ASKED THEM TO STOP He has another a coughing fit of blood All this Quiet authority drained out of me The quiet handshake under the table that is ending the world – we’re going to give it up - we’re going to give all that shit up is what I think Finally HAIRDRESSER ONE I thought I recognised the little girl – she always used to look like she’s seen a ghost. Not spite. Like a sprite. Like a slight disdain – seen her playing (in their garden) on the landing. Half in one world and half in the next. All that was gone. She just looked like she would – light inside her had been blown out I suppose she knew The HAIRDRESSERs turn on the SECOND YOUNG WOMAN with their razor SECOND YOUNG WOMAN I don’t want to go yet. I wasn’t ready – I was (Can’t think of another excuse) I was too young OLD WOMAN (From the door0 I was too old. YOUNG WOMAN I’m not ready. OLD WOMAN
Not ready/ SECOND YOUNG WOMAN /You realise somewhere still inside there’s still a you. There’s still a you OLD WOMAN There are friends, people I want to see People I want to hold and hug YOUNG WOMAN People I want to hold to me OLD WOMAN Things I want to breathe YOUNG WOMAN Things I want to see OLD WOMAN AND YOUNG WOMAN New life I want to breathe OLD WOMAN Please YOUNG WOMAN I’m not ready yet OLD WOMAN I don’t want to go YOUNG WOMAN AND OLD WOMAN Please HAIRDRESSER ONE AND TWO I’m sorry – sorry They are all strangled – there are struggles – violent fights perhaps unitl they can no longer struggle and they die. Feet twitch and then the lives animating them are gone. The two hairdressers sit drenched in blood and discuss their next moves HAIRDRESSER ONE Let’s (go out and) walk through the empty streets HAIRDRESSER TWO Shall we? HAIRDRESSER ONE There’ll be nothing It will be like when the empty sea it parted and like when the sea drained and you could see all the drowned and all the debris and that
HAIRDRESSER TWO And all the dead and damaged ones gone HAIRDRESSER ONE Counting them like corpses HAIRDRESSER TWO Beyond count And They are beyond count HAIRDRESSER ONE Why count? Why count it? (It’s been done) It’s been done HAIRDRESSER TWO Let’s play dead HAIRDRESSER ONE Let’s be dead HAIRDRESSER TWO Let’s play dead like we were never here HAIRDRESSER ONE Like we were never here End of play.
WHERE THINGS GO TO DIE By Anupama Chandrasekhar
Welcome! We’re glad you’ve made it here all the way from land We love to see all of you folks from around the world visiting our home seeing how we live even if only for a few minutes. Feel free to wander around take in the familiarity of our treasures or pop into a cave or two and browse through the wares that we’ve carefully collected and preserved for a hundred years. This, sir, we call it the kitchen – well stocked up with use-and-throw tableware used and thrown, this one after a picnic at the river by a child of seven who wanted to see how far the plate would sail. Will you tell her, millions of miles away? --And thousands of feet down. You there! Did you lose something? Not now, perhaps recently. A key, maybe? In a key chain with your initial? Is this yours? K heart B. Is that why you’re here? Are you B? They say K locked out B one Monday morning and B climbed up the ivy and into their once bedroom whereupon she took the scissors from the vanity and cut the sheets into strips and stabbed the pillows till they bled feathers. Then she picked up her key from the cup on the table and walked out the door, never looking back, never returning. The key came here, as all things eventually do, to die. Oh these? Toothbrushes for children aged 2-4 super soft for tender gums. That the little boy in a 12th floor flat threw out of the window every week In lieu of brushing. No, these are not jelly fish, Although they look like one From an angle.
That one there was used to carry The urn that contained the ashes Of the man who fought in two wars But died of dysentery at 78. Ah yes – well spotted! -- condoms. The one that you’re trying not to stare at resulted in twins, then flushed into a stream where it was gobbled up by a fish, which was eaten by a starved gull choking her to death. Its journey continued across seas until it reached us a decade later, lax and spent. The look on your face! What might have caught your eye, I wonder? You find them beautiful? Those are not diamonds, though they shimmer Not gold dust either, though they glitter. They may be microscopic But their stories are epic. They once rouged the cheeks of a sweet young lady Who went to a raucous bar with her friends For her first taste of margarita and sex. They whitened the teeth of an accountant Who brushed and flossed every day at 7 am and 10 pm. They beautified and shone and cleaned... And when washed down the drain, They tore stomach linings Of creatures of my world. That ma’am is not a relic From an ancient temple Destroyed by the waves. Rather it was made in a hut, Sold in a village market to a mother with three children “Buy the clay one for immersion,” the seller said. But the children wanted a god as colourful as they were. And the god too came here, to us, where all things eventually come to die. ---
THE LONG LOOK FACTS AND LIES, WHO STAYS ALIVE BY RABIAH HUSSAIN DARKNESS. SOUNDTRACK Instrumental Nina Simone I Put A Spell On You (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p24D-oUX3nE) DIM LIGHTS GO UP. REVEAL three frames. They gradually move forward in unison.They come to a stop. BRIGHT LIGHTS. REVEAL PERFORMER 1, PERFORMER 2, PERFORMER 3 - each behind a screen. We see their outlines. Performer 2 and 3 slowly put masks and gloves on.Performer 1 watches them. AUDIO plays over the SOUNDTRACK as they do: “When barriers are going up, and when there is a risk that new diseases such as coronavirus willtrigger a panic and a desire for market segregation that go beyondwhat is medically rational to the point of doing real and unnecessaryeconomic damage, then, at that moment, humanity needs some government somewhere...” 0.00 – 0.30 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ok 23M478Fw Performer 2 and Performer 3, with masks and gloves on, turntheir heads towards Performer 1. The soundtrack continues. AUDIO plays over the SOUNDTRACK as LIGHT on Performer 1’sscreen becomes BRIGHTER and BRIGHTER:
“At this defining moment in our country’s history, I have a particular responsibility when it comes to taking back control. It is to end the free movement of people once and for all.” 0.01 - 0.14 https://www.theguardian.com/politic s/video/2019/oct/01/priti-patel- says-shewill-end-free-movement-of- people-video “The day after we vote leave, we hold all the cards, and we can choose the path that we want.” 0.34 - 0.38 https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/br exitnews/westminster-news/andrew- marr-we-holdall-the-cards-claim- 3848600 LIGHT on Performer 1 becomes so BRIGHT, it FLICKERSpowerfully. A BANG. As if a bulb has shattered. LIGHT on Performer 1 dimsback to the same level as Performer 2 and Performer 3. SOUNDTRACK abruptly STOPS.SOUNDTRACK Karaoke version Justin Timberlake Sexy Back (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDtqoG2BDh8) In tune with the beat, LIGHTS FLASH fast in differentcolours. Still behind screens, Performer 1, Performer 2, and Performer 3 peel off what looks like pieces of skin from their body. Masks and gloves come off too. AUDIO plays, echoes and repeats over SOUNDTRACK as they dothis: “...what we can all do to fightthis virus, which is to wash our hands.” 0.03 0.07 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTp pOwSPk6Q “Stay alert, control the virus, and save lives.” 0.58 - 1.02 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIC qpSPG0dQ
“We will have a test track and trace operation that will be world beating.” 1.15 - 1.20 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vdl IVAwWmB8 The performance gets crazier and crazier. All Performers fall to the ground from exhaustion.SOUNDTRACK STOPS. LIGHTS back to dim. Performer 1, Performer 2, Performer 3 on the floor, breathingheavily. AUDIO plays: “...we should focus above all onthe NHS. That simple and beautiful idea that represents the best ofour country.” 2.44 - 2.53 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zm BEZnII0Q BRIGHT LIGHTS.SOUNDTRACK Karaoke version Gotye and Kimbra Somebody That I Used To Know plays (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toHUpXZRgTQ). Performer 1 still on floor, exhausted. Performer 2 and Performer 3 stand. They clap towardsPerformer 1 in a heightened manner. AUDIO plays as they do this: “I, I, I don’t believe in gestures,I believe in substance.” 0.07 - 0.12 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kw mrHiLz0A SOUNDTRACK continues. Performers follow each other, weavingaround the frames. LIGHT follows them. AUDIO plays as they do this: “...eyesight can be a problem associated with coronavirus.” 1.48 -1.53 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7y QytZ7-Ls
“I think what people need to is focus less on the symbols...” 0.01 -0.04 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=- rLS_GFkfRU Performers pick up their pace. “More and more countries are applying travel bans with the UKafter it reported the more infectious and out of control variant of coronavirus.” 0.01 - 0.07 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxH S3uo4JnE SOUNDTRACK abruptly STOPS. Performers stand still, whereverthey are. Each Performer returns to place behind their screens.AUDIO plays as they do: “They tell us coronavirus is a great leveller. It’s not. It’s much, much harder if you’re poor.”0.01 - 0.08 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6w IcpdJyCI SOUNDTRACK Ludovico Einaudi Nightbrook (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tCn-k6eBeE) It gradually gets louder over the following sequences. WHITE LIGHT beams. PERFORMERS reach out in differentdirections, trying to find the source of light. AUDIO plays as they do: “The death rate amongst the BAME population is twice that of whites.” 0.26 - 0.31 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L7 s7Z6nECQ WHITE LIGHT fades away. Performers search the ground, as iflooking for it. AUDIO plays as they do:
“The statue of Winston Churchill,who is a national hero has had to be boarded up.” 00.26 - 00.33 https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=DCQ bRSmXVTA AUDIO is drowned out by following AUDIO: - Noise of BLM protesters https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=4Vl 4I0weXPU Performers take a knee. SOUNDTRACK volume increases. Simultaneously, so does AUDIO. MOVING LIGHTS. Performers protest and cheer, as if marching too. SOUNDTRACK and AUDIO reach crescendo. All SOUNDS abruptly STOP. LIGHTS DIM. Performers behind screens, standing still. AUDIO plays: “It’s important for us all to stickto the facts as far as we possibly can.” 2.32 - 2.36 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7y QytZ7-Ls As in the beginning, Performer 2 and Performer 3 put mask and gloves on. Performer 1 moves back, alone, disappearing. Performer 1 and Performer 2 watch. AUDIO as this happens: “It’s a very, very important question and that’s where a lot of the debate has been and one of the theories is, you know, perhaps you could sort of take it on the chin, take it all in one go and allow thedisease to move through the population.” 6.19 - 6.38 https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=vOH iaPwtGl4\ LIGHTS on Performer 1 OFF. Performer 2 and Performer 3 look ahead at the camera. The sound of STATIC as they move into position for The Big Listen.
THE BIG LISTEN TRUTH, TRUTH, LIE BY RABIAH HUSSAIN
A It’s an icebreaker B Everyone knows it C What are the rules A Two truths about yourself B And one lie A Others guess what is true B And what isn’t C So not all - of them are lies A Yes but we don’t know which are B It’s a guess A Or a deduction C What usually comes first though the truth or the lie --B Those were so obvious C You would never shave your hair off B And we’ve all been called a cunt before.
--A You did not go out with him C Wasn’t he a playa A Everyone would’ve called her a slag --A The last one B Yeah it’s off by three years A At least B I was twelve A Eleven B Walking home A Me too B I had dropped baked beans on my uniform that day C Did it stain B Like dried blood --A I called her B She called me
C And then B She was swearing and shouting A So loudly C Didn’t that shock you B Not at all A She knew what I was doing B I’ve done it to her too C I should do that next time B We can rotate A Yeah between the three of us C We’ll make it home --A Trick is B Think it through A But don’t look like you have B Busy area A Walk straight B Head down
A Don’t look at anyone B But notice everyone A Bright colours B You’re seen A Hoody B Yet unseen A Don’t draw eyes to you B If someone does look at you A Then again B Head down A Walk straight B Don’t look at anyone A But notice everyone B Be seen A And unseen B Cos really what you’re doing is playing dead A And what you need is to make like
C I don’t exist ---A It’s life B For life C Don’t you feel like it shouldn’t bethough END
Eulogy for a dead life by Gurpreet Kaur Bhatti Do you want the truth? Because this is it. You like a few pretty words in a takeaway box to remind you to be grateful and hold your loved ones tight, but how quickly you forget when you walk through your front door and see they’ve messed up your stuff and they hate you anyway. This is the bare bones. A man’s ending. Breath expired. Skin, ice to the touch. April the sixth and there’s a graph. Not one of those google classroom graphs that asks how many children like pizza and chicken nuggets, this one is soaring. High into the sky. I get a call. Never mind who. He’s got it and he’s in the hospital. Aged 91 and dementia ridden so he can’t fight her when she won’t let his flesh and blood visit. I heard he says things. Weird things. Shouting at little boys in school uniforms. Tells them off for raping his girls. Must have been in his brain all the time. But the words never came to him back then. I pick up the phone. She can’t stop me. Not today. This is my day. And the nurse. Oh my God, the nurse. So much love in her voice. Why isn’t she tired? Scared? So much love and I pray she doesn’t die, that he doesn’t give it to her. Her family won’t survive without the money she sends home. I know that. I’m gonna pray so hard for her sweet voice to keep talking so the nearly dead know there’s someone decent close. We’re on the sofa and he’s on the screen, all alone, wearing an oxygen mask from Casualty. I say ‘Dad’ and he lifts his hand up like a stupid kid telling the teacher he’s there. That oxygen’s coming off in the next half hour. Boris has just gone into intensive care and he needs it. Somebody has to run this country. My kids don’t know him. They don’t know. They see me sobbing and they say get well soon Grandad like they’re on the telly. I open my mouth to speak and… Later they hug me and say they’re sorry and then they’re sucking sweets in front of TikTok. I’m sorry for every single moment they never had. Their dad says they’re okay, that they only need us. How does he know? How does anyone know what kids need?
You should take off your hat, or your shoes. Whatever it is you’re supposed to. Find a tissue. This is the bit where you remember your lost ones. And it’s too much because when your everything isn’t there anymore it’s like you’re the first person who was ever bereft. Like you’re alive but you’re not alive and what’s the point? I mean nothing, nothing, nothing is important…The funeral helps, right? Humans need ritual, oh yes. Flowers, candles, hearts beating together for the one that stopped. Even evil
worthless lives have to be marked because they existed, right? Somebody must have been there for Peter Sutcliffe. I’m supposed to tell a story. To inspire you with a tiny speck of hope that human life is worth something, that it endures. Maybe some lives endure too long, too much. So there was the time he…what? He’d love Brexit. Give brown people back their proper place in the structure. So we can love this Motherland. Stop those whites from the EU coming over. They think they’re better than us. How can they understand the molecular structure of this country? They don’t know what it’s taken, who it’s taken to turn it into something again. All those lorry drivers. He’d be cooking with the rest of them. Feeding the hungry. You see them on the telly with their chapattis and their ladles, such wonderful immigrants, so…integrated. I mean they’re not but they still…do so much. He’d put his heart into filling those takeaway boxes. And he’d tell you about it, so you’d realise, and you’d be sure he was a good, good man. I used to try and hold his hand but I was the wrong sex. Just, I was just…born wrong. I managed to catch onto his checked jacket sleeve which was something. That man…he demanded worship. There was the time he brought out a plate of aloo tikki for the neighbours. And the one where he stole the poor cousins’ passports so he controlled their every move and when he held a knife to his old mother’s neck. Made us watch the tip scratch her baggy brown skin. He kept crumbling onto the lino. Crying. Asking me if he was a nice daddy. Like Tony Soprano talking to the woman with the big hair. But I’m four, right? I don’t know. So I watched him cry and shout, cry and shout and cry till his pyjama top was drenched. I call the nurse. She’s alive. But it’s over. I loved holding onto that sleeve. Pity comes my way. And it does help. I think of the small boy who must have had such little hope. And the terrible man who had so little love in him. I would not exist were it not for either of them. His breath’s gone and somehow I breathe better. Every time I look in the mirror it’s a version of his face. I’m not angry or anything. I’m just sad and thankful that I got to say goodbye and tell him I felt love for no reason except that’s what it was like right in that moment. And it was the truth.
Levelling Up By Karen Laws The lift is an aspirational class hopping machine. THE LIFT OPERATIOR is wearing badges or a t-shirt with slogans like: Taking you to another level or Making Capitalism Work (for you) THE LIFT OPERATOR is full of enthusiasm, part sales chat, part cheesy game-show host. THE LIFT OPERATOR: Hi, hi, come on in. You had your jab? How was it? Oh you look great by the way. I just want to say, you look great. I love that top. That top is so post covid. I love it. You ready? It’s exciting. New life. I’m excited. Look at me I’m shaking with excitement. I don’t wanna shake too much. I need a steady hand to press your buttons (grins). Yeah, it does smell a bit funny in here yeah, I noticed that. Between me and you I think someone got a bit over excited about going up in the world and they had a little trickle down effect if you know what I mean. THE LIFT OPERATOR SQUIRTS SOMETHING TO STOP THE SMELL. I had to dump some people in the basement today. It might be that. I mean those people smell. You know? Basement people are not good people. It is grim down there. GERRIMMM. Like, overcrowded. Dirty. Polluted, all of it, kids crying all the time, you don’t need that shit. And those kids are not hungry they’re just out of control. So avoid. Okay? Not that you’d mix with that lot anyway. As if. I’m getting a real buzz from you, a real positive vibe. You….have got ambition. I love that, I love seeing that. That’s what’s missing in this country. There’s too much negativity. Whingeing moaning. Those fuckers in the basement whah whah whah. Go out there. Make it happen. Make it fucking happen. Yeah? Get off your arse and Make. It. Happen. Okay. Let’s press your button right now and level the fuck up. How far do you wanna go? Yeah? All the way? Smash the class ceiling? Visualise. Mmmm. You want a big house. A paddock with a horse. Garden by a stream. You want… the shires. Yeah. Fresh air. Big open spaces. Neighbours who can slip you 30 million quid for Covid test tubes. And between you and me, (on the old QT), that’s where the leveling up funding’s going. To the shires. £4.8 billion. We’ve worked out a little “formula” to get it in the right pockets. We don’t want to fund the basement people. Fuck the basement people. Fucking losers. Fuck them. Snaps on a smile. That top looks great on you. Did I say that already? That top is the new YOU. Cheesy grin. Okay let’s do it. Let’s get the outta here. Ready? The lift operator presses. Nothing happens. They smile reassuringly. Press again. Nothing. THE LIFT OPERATOR: It takes a while. You know. These things. They take a while. Frantic button pressing.
THE LIFT OPERATOR: Sorry about this. It’s fine, I’ve got this, it’s fine. Takes out their mobile. THE LIFT OPERATOR: It’s stuck. No it’s stuck. And it stinks of piss and none of the buttons work…no I want maintenance…whadyamean? Whadymean we haven’t got any maintenance whadyamean? Fucking un fucking believable. Cheesy grin THE LIFT OPERATOR: Sorry, be with you in a minute, sorry. (Back on the phone) No I won’t fix it. I won’t fix it. BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW. Oh piss off. No you piss off. No you. (hangs up. Deep breath. Then…) THE LIFT OPERATOR: So… er yeah, sorry about this. It’s er, systems failure apparently. Yeah. The er, system, has er…failed. You could take the stairs? They er, they only go one way. At the minute. To the basement. But listen don’t give up, okay? Everything’ll work tomorrow. It’ll all be fixed by tomorrow. Please don’t give up. Sorry. Sorry. I still love your top… THE LIFT OPERATOR looks deflated. Slaps an out of order sticker on the lift. Rings out on their mobile. THE LIFT OPERATOR: Hi. Yeah, it’s the Levelling Up Elevator here. Don’t suppose any of you guys in the basement know how to fix lifts? END
WHAT WERE YOU HOPING FOR? Chloë Moss
CAST WOMAN – 30s MAN – 30s (WHAT WERE YOU HOPING FOR?) Both give their separate answers, overlapping but not responding to each other. WOMAN – I dunno really. (Beat) Tall? MAN – Easy…easy-going? Easy to… talk to? WOMAN – And funny. MAN – Compassionate… Curious? WOMAN – Oh I dunno… I don’t know why I said tall, I’m not really arsed about height. MAN – Outdoorsy? Not necessarily sporty… although sporty would be/ WOMAN – Someone I suppose…Just someone… fucking/ MAN - Nice/ WOMAN – Nice? MAN – Good listener/ WOMAN – Whatever that means/ MAN – Strong/ WOMAN - Can we reclaim that word? MAN – I come from a family of really strong women so y’know I’m used to being around/ WOMAN – Basically someone who’s/ MAN – Good… energy… Y’know… vibes/
WOMAN – Not a twat. (Beat) Can I say that? (FIRST IMPRESSIONS) “You’ve Got The Love” Chaka Khan plays at full volume. WOMAN dances, eyes shut. MAN stands, watching. WOMAN opens her eyes, stops dancing immediately. The music stops. WOMAN – Fuck. Hi. Sorry. MAN gestures to his ear. He can’t hear her. WOMAN presses to unmute. WOMAN – I didn’t realise you were already there. MAN – Sorry. I’m a bit early. WOMAN – Thought I had to let you in. Didn’t know you could just/ MAN – Like a vampire. WOMAN – Pardon? MAN – You have to invite a vampire in don’t you? They have to be… asked. They can’t just/ WOMAN – Oh yeah…I meant the waiting/ MAN – Yeah you didn’t set up a waiting room. No yeah. (Beat) You’re a great dancer by the way. Very… free. They turn away from each other. MAN – Yeah. She seemed great/ WOMAN - … MAN – Uninhibited. I love that. WOMAN – I didn’t know he was there. MAN - Love it. WOMAN – He was just sort of… staring. Not trying to attract my attention or anything/ MAN – Great moves!
WOMAN – Just staring. Which was/ MAN – We both had a good laugh about it which/ WOMAN – I found unsettling/ MAN – Really broke the ice. WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT? They’re now facing each other. Still on screens. Eating in their separate spaces. MAN – Sorry you froze just after ‘dick pics’. WOMAN – That was it really. You’d be surprised how many/ MAN – Really? WOMAN – Click on a photo and/ MAN – And that’s… not…is it? It’s never/ WOMAN – No. It’s not. (Beat) Ever. MAN – No. No. Course not. That’s… horrendous. Unsolicited. WOMAN – Like I would solicit a picture of someone’s cock before I’ve even seen their face. MAN – Exactly. Jesus. (Beat) I’m so sorry that happened. WOMAN – So I stick to Bumble mostly/ MAN – Bumble. Great. WOMAN – And this obviously. MAN – How long have you been um… WOMAN – Single? MAN – Single. Yes. WOMAN – Three years. I’m divorced. MAN – I’m sorry. WOMAN – No. It’s good it’s fine. My decision.
MAN – That’s great. WOMAN – Still good friends. MAN – Lovely. Pause WOMAN – So yeah. (Beat) What about you? MAN – I’m a feminist. Beat WOMAN – How long have you/ MAN – Oh God, yeah… erm ooh… while now… never been, not been married before. Engaged… sort of… but been doing this… for a couple of years and before that I was with someone for a couple of months all very amicable… yeah… parted ways. Respectful. I fed her cat for a little while afterwards so y’know… there was trust. And yeah since then… online… few coffees… an art gallery once/ WOMAN – No cock shots? MAN – Oh God no. No no no… I stick to this sort of thing. Safe spaces. Not that I would ever/ WOMAN – Yeah I thought in this context…I didn’t imagine you’d y’know/ MAN – God no. Not in any context. (Beat) I mean maybe in a context a lot… further down the line. (Beat) If it was requested. But no. God no, no/ not my thing. No. WOMAN – You can’t always tell. Beat. He stands and gestures below his waist. MAN - Trousers. Just in case you were worried. He laughs. Beat. WOMAN – That’s very considerate. Thanks. MAN – No problem. (Beat) There’s guys at my work/ WOMAN – What do you do again?
MAN – Head of Digital Marketing. Mid-size ad agency. Integrated solutions, paid-social, crossplatform analytics you get the picture. There’s these guys though/ WOMAN – Oh the guys yeah/ MAN – Water-cooler chat. In the kitchen making coffee or whatever. At the pub…not that I go unless it’s a team meet or a birthday… leaving drinks whatever. But some of the talk. WOMAN – I can imag/ MAN – The other day I had to/ I just couldn’t not… intervene. What’s that quote? About good men doing nothing? WOMAN – “The only necessary thing for evil to triu/ MAN – Yeah that one. I mean some of the stuff and this was particularly… it just made me sad… I suppose, the timing. We’d just had a gong bath for Christ’s sake. WOMAN – A what? MAN – Gong bath. Tibetan sound healing? A woman comes into the office every Wednesday and we clear the big meeting room. It’s really popular. Anyway we’re all in Shavasana afterwards and I can hear them. Two guys from sales. Bragging about some tinder date and it was just… the language they used. Had my blood boiling. But it’s not the time or the place so I just had to lie there, practise my breath until the last vibration. Then I was up… banged off an email to HR. (Beat) I refuse to be silent. WOMAN – That’s/ MAN – I’m an ally. I want you to know that. Beat WOMAN – Cheers. MAN – No. Not at all. I’m trying… I’m learning. I’m a work in progress. WOMAN – I’m a landscape gardener. MAN – You’ve got beautiful eyes. I’m sorry. Is that okay? ANY AWKWARD MOMENTS? Both facing out again. MAN – Not at all.
WOMAN - … MAN – Excellent table manners. Great to talk to. Good listener. WOMAN – The signal got quite bad at the end/ MAN – Which was a shame./ WOMAN – Just sort of cut out/ MAN – But I think we definitely had a lot in common… definite connection/ Back at the screens WOMAN – Connection issues. MAN – Hey can you hear/ WOMAN – Sorry no. I can’t. MAN – Hello? WOMAN – I can’t hear you. MAN – Hello? WOMAN – Lost you. Sorry. She cuts the call. They turn way from each other. MAN – Yeah I think we really got each other. WOMAN – Erm yeah… MAN – Be great to meet up… IRL! WOMAN – He’s… MAN – 8.5 out of 10. Lovely girl. WOMAN – Nice?? MAN stays smiles. WOMAN switches the computer off. Turns the music up full blast.