Living Newspaper: A Counter Narrative - Edition 1

WORST IS YET TO COME - EDITION 1- FRONT PAGE V1 1. PRELUDE Locked Down (phrase 3 times) 2.

Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right 3.

Boris leaves the north to fend for themselves Starve them of resources, in hope they might eat themselves They want them to eat themselves Watch when they eat themselves 4.

Local black boy finally starts therapy Now he won’t stop crying when he’s shopping at the grocery Domestic abuse incidents rise no public inquiry will scream The woman stands on the corner just to be seen ALL: While the election of a rapist is celebrated not demeaned

5.

CHORUS Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right I’m worried the worst is yet to come, the truth decay hurts and then some Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right I’m worried the worst is yet to come, the truth decay hurts and then some, some V2 6.

The fear and the guilt of a post Christmas spike

Government accused of ethnic cleansing with its rush to give covid vaccinations to Black and Brown people These Side effects, may include, collective amnesia and denial from the real (2 times) denial from the real (2 times) 7.

CHORUS Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right I’m worried the worst is yet to come, the truth decay hurts and then some Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right I’m worried the worst is yet to come, the truth decay hurts and then some, some 8.

V3 Let’s rewrite history with common sense, don’t want to keep us living in this blind ignorance stole them at the dead of night Home secretary’s secret plans to sink migrant boats Unmarked planes, families torn apart, none of this is right 9.

CHORUS Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right I’m worried the worst is yet to come, the truth decay hurts and then some Locked down without a sense of who is wrong and who is right I’m worried the worst is yet to come, the truth decay hurts and then some, some 10.

OUTRO Disabled deaths discounted Delete as appropriate (4 times) (Group 2 come in on round after ‘deaths’)

Who cuts the cake? by Amir Gudarzi Imagine there is a party, let's say a birthday party, because we see a cake on the table. A coloured cake, green, white and red. Imagine there are a lot of guests at the party who all want a piece of that cake. Imagine that a person takes the knife to cut the cake, but it is not that person's birthday, this person is just the strongest at this celebration. Who is the person who cuts the cake? Who has the knife in hand?

Maybe before or after the birthday party one goes to the British Museum with school, to be amazed, to see how great Great Britain has been.

Cameras are pointed at the objects to make them feel safe. Also at people, because they too are treated like objects.

School kid 6: What is this?

Teacher: It’s the Cyrus Cylinder, sometimes called the first ever written down human rights.

School kid 3: Who is that?

Teacher: Ashurbanipal from Mesopotamia.

School kid 1: Why are so many dead people exhibited here?

Teacher: They are called mummies. Does anyone know how people are mummified?

At the same time on the sea Some people sit in a small boat As big as a walnut shell And try to cross a border An invisible border Being protected and guarded By nature By the waters of the dead.

Child 1: I am thirsty father Child 2: I'm hungry father Father: We'll be arriving soon Child 1: I'm cold mother Child 2: I'm scared mother Mother: We'll be arriving soon Person 1: I got wet Person 2: I don't feel my feet anymore Person 3: It's very tight in here

Person 4: We'll be arriving soon Patience is the key to success One person says while another one is trembling Nobody knows if from the cold or from the crying At the party The person that holds the knife cuts the cake into four pieces to distribute among the winners. The four pieces are of different sizes. This cake is Kurdistan divided into four countries: Iran, Iraq, Turkey and Syria. Who is holding this knife: it’s the UK. France, where Syria is today, gets a piece.

A piece to Turkey. And the piece going to England is Iraq, where most of the oil has been and continues to be.

But in the museum the kids still have questions and the teacher still has to answer School kid 1: But how did we get them here? There are so many.

Teacher: By ship and plane.

School kid 2: Can everyone just go there and take everything with them?

School kid 3: Can the others come here and take everything with them? China is a great empire as well.

Teacher: No, it's not that easy, not anymore.

School kid 4: Mr. Teacher, when we're dead, will we be exhibited as well?

School kid 5: Maybe they don't want to be on display. Why not ask them?

School kid 6: Did they want to leave their country at all?

Teacher: These objects show that we were once a great empire. Iraq, Egypt, India, Afghanistan, Iran and many more were under our rule.

School kid 2: If the others bring us under their rule, will they also exhibit us in their museums?

School kid 4: What if we wanted to stay in our country?

School kid 5: That's why the mummies cry. They are sad because they are here.

School kid 6: Maybe they all cry like my grandma at night because they miss their countries.

But at the sea The waves have long been very high Perhaps higher than a walnut tree That is why the walnut shell, Or so called boat, Has long disappeared.

Eyewitness: Then there was no answer to the calls for help Then the walnut shell was filled with salt water Then a rescue ship was circling in the channel

Then a helicopter circled over the channel Then the helicopter landed on the roof of the hospital The hospital in Dunkirk

News: People sitting in the boat are probably from Iraq, Egypt, Afghanistan, Iran or maybe Syria All chased away From their countries In search of security and humanity All on foot to Turkey and from there Perhaps by ship to Italy and then And then Then just water A family in this nutshell Who will never see the world again Were Kurds from Iran At the party This country called Kurdistan That was divided into four Still bleeding Like the chocolate cream That trickles out of a cake When somebody cuts it What the strongest back then Cut Still bleeding today Still dying today Even at the gates of that man with the knife

Somebody cries in the museum Not the school kids, no The objects and the dead weep Objects: Because we miss our countries But we were violently torn from our graves without being asked And put in the display windows But those who intentionally flee our countries Must die at its gates

News: The Kurdish-Iranian family Drowned in the channel Was brought back on 13/11/2020 On an Iran Air plane To the land they left on foot From which they fled Father: If we want to go with a lorry we might need more money that we don't have Mother: I have a thousand sorrows in my heart and now that I have left Iran I would like to forget my past These are the last messages, that Shiva Mohammad Panahi, the family’s mother and Rasoul Iran-Nejad, the father sent Cynically having Iran in his surname In the museum School kid 1: Imagine, one day,when they open the British Museum All rooms are empty At the airport The Iran Air plane That should bring the dead family made up of Rasoul Iran-Nejad 35 father Shiva Mohammad Panahi 35 mother Anita 9 daughter Armin 6 son; their baby Artin is still missing Back to Iran Before that, it had brought Weapons, money and soldiers from Iran to Syria So that Bashar Al-Assad uses them against their own people and the Kurds The population including the Kurds flee again And die in the channel or in the Mediterranean

At the party The man who cut the cake Also has a famous tradition of theatre No, not only Shakespeare There is much more Two of the actors are discussing right now

You know them very well, you even vote for them and Call them politicians

Politician 1: Listen to this Reads the news from the newspapers EXCLUSIVE: UK has sold $1bn of weapons to Turkey since the coup attempt 2016 Newly published export statistics confirm that Turkey is now a major buyer of UK-made weapons.

Politician 2: But this one is much better: The government has signed off nearly ÂŁ2bn worth of arms sales to repressive regimes in the two years since the 2017 election, official figures show.

The weapons and controlled military hardware approved for export by ministers include ÂŁ700m to Turkey, which recently launched an offensive against Kurdish fighters in northern Syria. These exports included sniper rifles, as well as parts for combat helicopters and military combat vehicles.

Politician 1: We should put human rights at the centre stage soon.

Just imagine one day All dead from the Mediterranean Sea and the Channel Will be waking up And march to you in England Imagine one day in London All the people you meet on the streets and in the subways Would be wet because they all drowned

Imagine one day Your museums will be empty And on that day you could start Filling them with the dead, as a token of Your Excellency Or better with a whole pile of weapons That you produced and sold to the countries of dictators Or with the humans killed by these weapons Would you have enough space in your Great Britain for all of them?

Imagine Just imagine that one day...

Weather Room – extract from Always Maybe The Last Time

By Chris Thorpe This morning I said goodbye to my kid as she left to go to school. It was the last time I will do that.

I took the bus to work. I boiled a kettle in the break room to make tea, and it was the last time I will do that.

I checked my emails on my phone and it was the last time I will do that.

I read an article online about the political views of a stand-up comedian and it was the last time I will do that.

I crossed the road without questioning the operation of the lights and it was the last time I will do that.

I watched the first scene of a 1970s screwball comedy out of nostalgic curiosity and it was the last time I will do that.

I heard music broadcast on the radio and it was the last time I will do that.

I cared about something happening in another country because I heard about something happening in another country and it was the last time I will do that.

I watered a plant that I had made exist just so I could look at it, and it was the last time I will do that.

I sat on some steps by a grating, I listened to a tube station announcement as it drifted through the air vents, and it was the last time I will do that.

I sat with my partner and we exchanged a glance and that glance said only I am glad we are in this room together, and nothing fearful, and it was the last time I will do that.

I paid with cash and it was the last time I will do that.

I ate sushi, and it was the last time I will do that.

I saw a frog in the park by the bus stop, and it was the last time I will do that.

I saw the traffic part for an ambulance, and it was the last time I will do that.

I wondered about whether I should get a pension, and it was the last time I will do that.

I met a friend and their children, and when we parted I was certain I would see them again and it was the last time I will do that.

I cut my finger and stopped thinking about the possibility of infection almost immediately and it was the last time I will do that.

I regretted for a moment that I don't have kids and it was the last time I will do that.

I gave money to charity and it was the last time I will do that.

I looked down at the city street from my office window without thinking – this is madness.

This is incomprehensible madness, to live like this. And it was the last time I will do that.

I learned something for pleasure and it was the last time I will do that.

I thought about justice as a thing worth fighting for, and it was the last time I will do that.

I thought about the kids I knew when I was a kid, and long days inventing things to do until the sun started going down over the wasteland near the derelict railway bridge and it was the last time I will do that.

I trusted water and it was the last time I will do that.

I trusted that a string of numbers on my phone represented money I could have real world access to if I wanted and it was the last time I will do that.

I saw nobody die and it was the last time I will do that.

I knocked on the window of a cafe because a friend walked past and it was the last time I will do that.

I waited for my laptop to boot up and it was the last time I will do that.

I shut the door behind me and knew that the room I'd just walked into was mine and it was the last time I will do that.

I had the option to sit and think about this, rather than to live in it, and it was the last time I will do that.

All of these things I just said to you. All of them. They will be true. Perhaps not on the same day. But they will all be true. Start to grieve. Do it consciously. Systematically.

Because so much grief takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and you cannot do it all at once.

And when the time comes, when all this collapses, you can't be so sad about having no more sushi, your ability to help people disappears.

It's the sadness that'll make us cruel. The inability to deal with so much at once. And maybe the best way we've got to prepare for all this going, is to act like it's already gone.

Con-Troll Room by Katherine Soper - That's not like - the same thing, / not really - No I get that - It’s sort of - yes that's there, the news cycle’s always been there but - One second - Mmhmm A beat before reply - What were you saying – Hopefully everyone is in the space by now…

- Just like…at the moment, every day, it’s like ‘what now?’ You know?

- Yeah it’s - there’s always something new and crazy that feels like…how is this reality - Yeah - Cos I feel like when we were young, like, nothing happened - Right???

- Like there were basically no big events, nothing happened, and now it’s like- Cos normality would be like - there are some times when nothing’s happening, right? - / statistically - Yeah - Instead of like, some new huge thing every day which just keeps us confused and like we can’t focus on anything - Yeah, definitely - It’s fucked up - It is - And no one knows what they’re doing - Like, you know, I see this stuff happening in my life, like, to people I know, and then no one is talking about it, like, people making decisions are living in a different world - But that’s true, that’s - people who are in like, positions of power have different rules for them, nothing’s a risk so everything is just this sick game, do you know what I mean?

- Mm - Like, the Queen is in on it because of Andrew - Oh god of course - hang on, just - Is someone there - Uh…hang on…OK, what were you saying - Like how do you get to a point where all these girls can be taken away to an island - Oh god, yeah - Do you know what I mean? Like everyone was involved in keeping that covered up, everyone, / everyone knew - I think just a lot of people sort of, shrugging and turning a blind eye, you know?

- But it’s more than that, I don’t think that many people would just - like you think how many people were involved, you know? Like why would that many people unless they were like, involved in something /even - I mean - I do think it would make sense if Epstein was a murder, like, that makes sense to me, because yeah, you think how many other people were gonna be / named - Right, exactly, it went to the top, I don’t think there’s any other way of explaining all of it - Yep, same - Because there’s nothing else linking all of it together, none of it makes any sense otherwise - Right, no, I get that - And we have a history as a society, of - we don’t listen to children, we don’t care about children, children go missing and we’re like: that’s just normal - Yeah well that’s disgusting - It is disgusting, yeah - And when they’re not from the right areas, or they’re not the right kind of kids, it’s like they just slip through the matrix and no one cares?

- Yes! Exactly, no one reports on it, people have to do it themselves, and this is the thing, we all have to do this ourselves now, / we - Because you think like, how come there’s a camera on every street corner - /everyone’s being watched and tracked every second of their lives - Exactly!

- but somehow - Exactly - Kids can just vanish like - poof Pause before the same speaker speaks again.

- It’s horrifying - And those kids have gone somewhere

- Yeah - And I dunno, it’s so obvious when you think about like, this year - Well this year has just been crazy - Yeah but like, who benefits from that, who benefits from all of us being out of touch with each other, all of us being separated and confined in our houses, do you know what I mean - Mm-hmm - Like…who’s making money from it? Because when so many people in the establishment just leap to defend the status quo the moment someone asks questions about why any of this is happening, all of them together, you have to ask why, that’s the thing I keep telling myself, you have to ask why, and like through history every time it’s basically money or sex, isn’t it - But it’s not like - I swear those are like the two reasons for everything, money and sex - and power I guess, but that’s sort of the same as money - But not everyone’s getting paid off, cos like, we’d know if that / was - Well - like - what I mean is - do you trust everything they tell you - ‘They’ like, the gov/ernment?

- Yeah, and the media, like, you think they’re telling you the truth one hundred percent, telling you one hundred percent of the truth one hundred percent of the time - I guess not - “I guess not”, right - I mean of course there’s bias - Right, that’s what I mean - And like - some stuff like - how many people died this year - or in Grenfell - those are obviously wrong, like, obviously we’re not told the whole story, but I feel like - in general, if everyone’s saying something, like if all the different sites are saying the same thing - No but that’s like - Then I do feel better about that I guess - That’s like the whole thing though, if everyone is saying the same thing then that suggests a common interest, that suggests circling the wagons doesn’t it - I don’t know what that means A beat before reply.

- But like - on top of that - you have to think about when there’s stuff that every single one of them aren’t saying, when there’s stuff everyone is choosing to look the other way about and it’s like everyone has decided to - everyone’s had a meeting and been like, we’re doing a blackout on this - even when there’s video footage, even when there’s actual video footage of stuff happening and nothing gets done? The same things keep happening and nothing changes? Like how does that happen, what’s the explanation that ties it all together?

- I don’t know - Yeah - What do you think Beat before reply.

- Honestly I just think everyone’s all in on it - Yup - And it all really worries me The voices become slightly quieter as the same voice speaks again - And like, the thing I always think is that * people just seem so complacent about all of it - Yeah exactly - Like - It’s like living with robots or something, I don’t know how they’re ok with just - non-explanations - I know! And it just makes you wonder why - / like I said that's what I keep going back to - you have to follow what people’s motivations might actually be, where’s their money, where’s their interest - Yep. Yep. A hundred percent *At this point the audience begin to leave…

hungry for a lie

by Daniel York Loh My friend Carl told me once the thing he swore he’d never do was work in a take-away Carl used to get angry about the representation of our people Particularly men Like us He’d say to me “why is it whenever we’re in films we’re not rugged and handsome and we aren’t playing heroes?” and it drove him Crazy because we weren’t Rich and in this country we weren’t even Asians But we’re all hungry for a lie Carl wanted to be an actor he said But he married young and he had kids to feed and bills to pay so he did the thing he swore he’d never do Carl ran a Chinese take away He cooked for the late night crowd who came in pissed and ordered by numbers who didn’t care if it was dripping in monosodium glutamate or grease or fat the way Carl would never cook it but like they always say our food is and Carl cooked for people who were too tired to cook themselves who just wanted to watch telly and wanted the easy comfort of the numbers on the Chinese take away menu Digression # 1 Our food There was this bbc series about migrant stories and when it got to the Chinese story it was all about food it was an hour of food and more food and restaurants and take-aways and how tasty our dim sum is and how slurpy our noodles are it was all food food food and well look now we got covid hate and they’re smashing the windows of our restaurants and take-aways throwing bricks through the windows of our restaurants and take-aways and pissing on the floor of our restaurants and takeaways and calling us names and attacking us in the streets and saying it’s all because of our food but I never met an Asian person in my life who ever ate a bat and I had to google what a pangolin is because I had no fucking idea and neither did Carl So I guess our food won’t save us when racist love turns to racist hate Digression # 2 When I try and convince other Chinese people that I’m some kind of big shot in the world of entertainment and art and culture I sometimes have said “but I been at the Royal Court” but truth is I never been on Netflix or Marvel so they literally say: What the fuck is the Royal Court?

I guess it started with Hong Kong Carl didn’t approve of their protests in Hong Kong he thought it was wrong that the protestors sometimes called the cops ‘smelly cunts’ and he thought that was worse than the tear gas and pepper balls and batons and bullets and when Carl saw the film of the Uyhgurs in China dancing and singing in what they call a vocational education centre Carl believed it was for the Uyghurs’ very own good Digression # 3 The city-state where my father is from is about to lock up a man for standing in the streets holding up a smiley face sign as an act of protest and this is what we’re known for like people always say to me “oh Singapore isn’t that the place where you get caned for chewing gum and they fine you for not flushing the toilet” and I wanna say no there’s a lot more to Singapore than that we got some Really Nice Food But Asian regimes love to tell that lie that little Asian people need to be kept in our place with our heads down and working not being rugged and handsome and heroes in movies Then Carl started sending me videos to watch He sent me a video of Jordan Peterson Jordan Peterson can talk and talk without even scripts without notes without pausing for breath without ever once saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” or “let me check that” But I guess the overarching sentiment made some sort of sense to my friend Carl Who sent me more videos And Carl posted something on his timeline about Muslims Carl sent me two long videos of white people with flags marching around in various European cities with a leaden voice-over lamenting that loyal patriots were being abjected by an elite liberalia communist cartel of international banking conglomerates that want to replace classical architecture with soulless high-rises And I snapped and I said “Carl, brother, what the fuck is the matter with you why are you watching and listening to this dull distorted dirge of dogs faeces shat out of the arsehole of diyu because it’s it’s heartless and it’s torpid and it’s tedious and so unutterably fucking boring and you know what’s even worse about this rat’s arsehole of fascism masquerading as a diamond ring of honest patriotic pride it’s not even meant for you you open-hearted gullible fucking gold-fish with your gargantuan gaping mouth wide ready to receive this colossal cuntwittery it’s meant for angry white men” It’s not meant for you

Then I felt bad because Carl was the guy who once drove all night to watch me in a play because he wanted to touch that world of drama and dreams that world that was a lie to us but I guess we were all hungry for that lie Then Carl started objecting to lockdown Carl had already been going on about 5G Carl thinks COVID is a giant hoax And they’re holding up Q signs in Trafalgar Square where they go one they go all because the world is being run now by the deep state where they drink blood and molest children and rig votes so they can force you to wear a mask so they can keep you in your house in levelled down Tier 3 but are they aliens or lizards or communists or all three and anyway it’s all the fault of immigrants and invaders but Carl you’re a fucking immigrant to them just like me and meanwhile there’s a man in a hospital bed and he’s gasping for air and he can’t breathe and he’s about to succumb to that virus they’re blaming you and me for Carl and with his last breath the man in the hospital bed rips off his ventilator and says to the Filipino nurse who’s trying to keep the man alive and keep herself alive who’s unlikely to object to working in high-risk conditions so Filipino nurses were decimated in the first wave of the virus that we were all blamed for Carl you me and the Filipino nurse but the man who can’t breathe tells the immigrant Filipino nurse with no papers and no status that none of it’s real and none of it’s true and none of it means anything and he knows this because he saw it in a video on YouTube and that the undocumented Filipino nurse with no access to healthcare herself isall part of that lie the man who can’t breathe is so hungry for I haven’t heard from my friend Carl in a while I hope he’s okay I hope we’re all okay END

Brown Women Do It Too

By Suhaiymah Manzoor-Khan Set in the bookshop area. 2 parts.

PRITI PATEL – British Home Secretary, assured of herself only when reliant on soundbites and script, but totally ridiculous and unable to justify herself without them. She should read the script as if it is an actual script she needs as a politician and is speechless without.

HOST – A woman of south Asian heritage who is host of a show called “Brown Women Do It Too”, a completely ludicrous and superficial show that unconsciously demonstrates the limits of “diversity”. Every buzzword is used (and often incoherently) in order to “celebrate” women of colour with no sense of how such women are directly harming other women’s lives and worsening their material experiences (poverty, hostile environment, racism, surveillance). She admires Priti Patel ardently, and even if the audience respond differently. Her parts should be read as sincerely as possible, phrasing is deliberate although seemingly incoherent.

Q&A style format with the audience being the audience of their live show.

HOST

Good afternoon and welcome to Brown Women Do It Too, the show where, every week, we celebrate a different woman from an of-colour, B A M E and P O C inclusive-diverse minority background or identity, to bring you the most glass-ceiling-breaking minoritized representation of decolonised equality trailblazers!

My guest this week needs no introduction, she is Britain’s most well-known P W O C – power woman of colour, from the A of B A M E. Put your hands together for British Home Secretary, Priti Patel!

Host applauds excitedly even if audience do not, she should encourage them to join in, or reproach them if they jeer.

HOST

Priti, so good to have you here today. How are you?

PRITI

It’s a pleasure to be here. I’m very grateful to be recognised in this way.

HOST

Of course, Priti, it’s so deserved.

Now, as you know, we run this segment as an audience Q&A, but I couldn’t help squeezing in one question myself before we go to the audience!

I wanted to ask you – and I asked this to Sara Khan from Counter Extremism last week too – I ask this as a mother, what piece of advice can you give to little girls of ethnical marginalheritages?

PRITI

Really fantastic question. What really saddens me is when I see little girls who believe they can’t do better for themselves because of the colour of their skin.

My advice? Move on.

Nothing and no one can hold you back, if you just show what you’re made of.

And – if I may say so – I’m the living proof of that.

Host breaks into applause – even if audience do not join in, she should gesture to encourage them to.

HOST

Wonderful, just wonderful.

Well, let’s go to the audience for the first question.

Questioner number 1 please state your name and where you’re from before you read us the question you prepared beforehand.

3 questions planted in audience ahead of time – on paper like with Question Time – audience member needs to know to read it when prompted. The premise is that this is a Q they prepared beforehand.

QUESTION 1

[NAME, LOCATION] Hi, you say nothing holds children back but themselves.

Are you aware that last week a young boy wrote to you pleading you not to deport his dad to Jamaica because it would devastate their lives? Despite widespread opposition, you deported him anyway with twelve other people. How do you sleep knowing that he will live with that trauma for the rest of his life?

At the end of October, 9 year-old Anita, 7 year-old Armin, 15-month-old Artin and their parents Rasul and Shiva drowned in The Channel. They paid over twenty-one-thousand pounds to make the deadly journey from Iran. How do you sleep knowing you destroyed these children’s lives by deliberately preventing safe legal crossings to Britain for people seeking asylum?

PRITI

looks at script, flips it over, but seeing no answers looks panicked to the host and indicates her script doesn’t say anything in response.

Whispers It doesn’t say anything

HOST

whispering Just… use a soundbite!

PRITI

clears throat I – obviously am so saddened by those events. And my thoughts and prayers are with the deceased.

HOST

trying to salvage the situation Yes – ha – well – let’s hope our second questioner has a question a little more relevant to the topic of Priti’s breakthrough as the first BROWN FEMALE Home Secretary!

Questioner number 2 please state your name and where you’re from before you read us your question.

Prompt audience member QUESTION 2

[NAME] [LOCATION]

An immigration solicitor at a London law firm was recently visited by a white supremacist with a confederate flag and a large knife. Is it correct that you had been warned by terror police that your rhetoric attacking lawyers who support immigrants needed to dampen or there would be a terror attack of this nature?

PRITI

more panicked and more outraged – I think that’s – my words can never, and should never, be linked to acts of violence.

HOST

hurriedly Let’s – take another question

Questioner number 3 please.

Prompt audience member QUESTION 3

[NAME] [LOCATION]

Do you have no memory of the Counter Terror system your Home Office has built over two decades?

It targets Muslim people based on anything they say maybe being a sign of future violence. As a result, the most common terror convictions since 2000 have been based on Muslims owning or writing literature, nothing to do with acts of violence.

This is obviously unjust, but in your case it is more clear cut. There is now a direct connection between things you say about asylum seekers and about lawyers who protect them, and then subsequent violent threats to both.

Do you agree that by the logic of your own Counter Terror system, there is a clear basis for your home to be raided; your citizenship to be stripped; and for you to be deported to a country you’ve never been to?

PRITI

panicked flipping paper back and forth MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE DECEASED! MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE DECEASED! MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE DECEASED!

HOST

/That will be all for today, thank you all and thank you Priti – you have really shown us that Brown Women can, and do, Do It Too!

Catch us next week when I’ll be interviewing the USA’s new P W O C VP – Kamala Harris!

Claps vehemently.

The Blank Space by Matilda Ibini CAST Faye TY

Audience are asked to complete the following provocations, using chalk: 1. The best way to confront a racist is…

2. The world will be a better place when…

3. The hardest thing about being a black girl is…

4. What I wish you learnt at school…

5. What I’ve learnt during the pandemic…

6. The biggest problems in the world are…

7. The best teachers are…

8. The worst teachers are…

9. Institutionalised racism means…

10. What I wish I’d known when I was younger…

11. In ten years time the world will be…

12. In ten years time I will be…

FAYE is sat in front of a laptop. TY watches on her mobile. They are in separate rooms.

FAYE: You said you wanted proof Miss DawkinsTY: Well here it is.

FAYE: Martha submitted my coursework with her name on it and she submitted mine under her name. You gave her, I mean me an A and you gave Martha – Martha – in the top five in our year group a D. TY: a D? Cruel Miss.

FAYE: Cruel indeed but you know what they say, racists always slip up.

Fuck! She kicked me out of the room.

FAYE throws her laptop across the room.

FAYE: Are you still in?

TY: Yeah but she’s muted us all. And she’s blocked the chat.

FAYE: I had a whole speech ready to blaze her. Fucking fascist. All teachers are fascists in denial.

TY: Miss isn’t – she can’t be.

FAYE: If there was a racism test Miss Dawkins would pass with flying colours. Oh right, she doesn’t see colour.

Imagine Miss gave me a D because she couldn’t imagine me not plagiarising my coursework.

TY: You should tell the head teacher.

FAYE: You mean the person who hired Miss Dawkins. Like he’s going to side with me.

TY: That’s not fair.

FAYE: Think about it, they’re not preparing us, they moulding us, sculpting us and scraping all the best bits out of us. We’re born bombs and they’re figuring out the combination to diffuse us.

TY: You’ve been watching that TikTok channel too much.

FAYE: You have to seek the truth, it doesn’t just reveal itself. The truth doesn’t always comes to light.

TY: But school’s important because… it’s likeFAYE: -a cult - no it’s like training to become soldiers. Ordered to repeat the same shit that’s already out there.

TY: -but we’re training for the most important parts of our lives. That’s why we need school.

FAYE: Says who - what do I need school for when the world is full of knowledge.

TY: You can’t leave.

FAYE: School has never told us the truth. They tell us their version of events.

Ok, I’m about to go serious here. Can I get some serious lighting?

Lights dim.

FAYE: Think about all the things we know exist out there, and yet we’re not taught or prepped in school, and if we’re lucky enough to spend five minutes discussing it, then its like those expectation versus reality memes.

TY: Expectation – its your body, and you can control who has access to it, and if anyone ignores that, there will be swift consequences FAYE: Reality – Police TY: ACAB, all cops are bastards– but I’mma let you finish FAYE: Thank you Kanye. They recorded over fifty-five thousand rapes in England and Wales in the past year alone, and out of those recorded there were just over two thousand prosecutions and out of those less than one thousand five hundred convictions TY: The math isn’t mathing FAYE: Expectation - The government looks after everyone of its citizens irrespective of who you are or where you’re from TY: Reality! You can be deported to a country that you’ve never even been to or lived in.

You can be told you deserve to starve as a way of punishing your parents. You can be left to die and it can be deemed… necessary.

FAYE: Expectation - having more diverse people in Parliament (or any position of power) means better representation of a wider variety of experiences TY: Reality - all skinfolk ain't kinfolk FAYE and TY laugh.

TY: In every community there are Judas’, people who may look like you but don’t want the aggro that comes with challenging the status quo. They’ve made peace with the way the world is, but don’t get it twisted that doesn’t make them resilient. It makes them dangerous.

FAYE: Expectation – we have the resources to look after the elderly, disabled people, chronically ill people, those living with mental illnesses because as a society we believe everyone’s life is of value TY: Reality – My aunty, who has a physical thing with her body, had her care package cut, so she can’t take my little cousin to school anymore. My mum’s been trying to support her ANDD our neighbour, Horace, he’s eighty five!!

He is officially the oldest person I’ve ever met. His voice is so soft, like, you have to really listen to hear him.

His wife Iris died, like, before I was even born and he has no one.

Not even a care package.

So my mum bought a baby monitor so we can check on him daily.

FAYE: Expectation – that we live in a meritocracy, whatever that means TY: Reality - no matter how talented, how smart, how right for the role, how right for the job, how right for anything you put your mind to, you could still face anything from (takes a deep breathe in) Racism, Sexism, Classism, Islamophobia, xenophobia, homophobia FAYE: anti-Semitism, colourism, ableism TY: Misogyny, misogynoir, transphobia FAYE: And those are the ones we could find online, but there’s plenty more TY: These are not made-up words FAYE: They were created to define real experiences TY: Because what they all have in common FAYE: Is that they have killed someone TY: Someone you may not know FAYE: But someone who should still be here TY: You’re right though. School trains us for the expectation and not the reality.

FAYE: What are we even doing? Come over. I miss youTY: What aboutFAYE: Have you been licking door handles or sucking on used tissues?

TY: (gags) Course I fucking haven’t.

FAYE: Then come – I haven’t been in the same room as you since like forever.

TY: It’s only me and my mum and we’ve been keeping our distance around the flat.

FAYE: Come burst my bubble. She won’t know. I won’t tell sooooooTY: -Ok. TY pulls out hand sanitizer and rubs her hands furiously together.

She offers FAYE who also rubs it into her hands and onto her face.

They play a quick game of tag.

FAYE: (Out of breathe) Damn. We don’t even do this much running in PE. TY: Your right. We are training, for the wrong war.

FAYE: So let’s go AWOL. You in?

TY: Who else is going to reign your Arya Stark butt in?

FAYE: You know where we have to go then. The place you go before any battle…

FAYE/TY: (They air high five) TO THE ARMOURY! FAYE: Also known as our WAP. TY: Someone’s been listening to Cardi a little too much lately.

FAYE: Cardi was right though – to take down the man – we’re going to need our Weapons, Armour and Potions. WAP. TY: You have heard the full song haven’t you.

TY: What are all of these?

FAYE: Gadgets I’ve been developing.

TY: Sweets?

FAYE: To the untrained eye yes but their Louding Lozenges makes your voice super loud so you can scream away muggers, killers, rapists cos it’ll burst their ears drums and make them so dizzy they pass out.

TY: You’re a fucking genius.

FAYE: I know.

TY: And this one? These aren’t just sunglasses.

FAYE: They are… but they’re also sunglasses that helps you see climate change but like throughout history. So like you can look at a park but with the glasses on you can see what used to be there and it shows how to be more eco-friendly. Like pick up that rubbish.

Recycle that. How to turn rainwater into drinking water – you know simple things.

TY: Woah!

FAYE: And this is the soul-soothing balm that soothes the hate in people.

TY: It looks like shea butter.

FAYE: Because its cold in here, but it’s normally a liquid. Its also really moisturising for the skin because it seeps into your pores and inside you and targets any hate in your soul, so people stop being racist or any kind of ist.

TY: I’m not rubbing that into some racists dry skin.

FAYE: (laughs) You only need a drop of it and it works instantly.

TY: Roller skates.

FAYE: Cos its quicker than walking and I haven’t taken my theory yet.

TY: And these swords?

FAYE: They’re called scimitars.(smitar) TY: A what-tar?

FAYE: Its just a posh sword.

TY: What does it do?

FAYE: It looks cool. It’s an accessory.

TY: You don’t want to be caught on road with that in your pocket.

FAYE: Your right. It’s not just a scimitar, it highlights the path.

TY: What do you mean?

FAYE: If you’re ever lost and don’t know where you are or how to get home.

TY: But doesn’t google maps do that.

FAYE: But can google maps lead you away from danger or traps?

TY: Right.

FAYE: The scimitar will always highlight the right path you need.

TY: Ok I’ve got one.

FAYE: Yeah.

TY: It’s this necklace.

FAYE: (whispers) Talisman.

TY: A what?

FAYE: (whispers) It’s like a necklace but sounds cooler.

TY: Ok. It’s the talking talisman.

FAYE: How does it work?

TY: It’s made from star dust and the blood of one of Jupiter’s moons.

FAYE: I hear that’s tricky to get your hands on these days.

TY: It’s not if you know the right dealer. Anyway this talisman lets you talk to family and friends that have passed away, especially if you never got to say goodbye. So you hold it, squeeze it, think of them and then you hear them. And you can ask for advice, or vent or just buss jokes with them.

FAYE: I love it. The talking talisman. Who you going to summon first?

TY: My dad. Tell him that me and mum miss him. And then ask him for tips about building a new world.

FAYE: Steady on young one - we have to fix this one first.

TY: Do we though?

FAYE: We can’t just throw it away.

TY: Yes we can, it’s broken and smells weird.

FAYE: There are some useful things we can take into the new world.

TY: So what are saying then, you want to save this one?

FAYE: I’m saying why can’t we do both? Fix and destroy.

TY: So you want to fix Miss Dawkins? because I want to destroy her.

FAYE: No it’s bigger than her.

They both take a breath in.

TY: So what’s the plan? For sure we’ll need money – lots of it.

FAYE: Hey! In this new world – who says we need money.

TY: Yeahhhhhhh, if there’s no currency – then no one’s ever poor. Because no one has money then no one goes without.

FAYE: Exactly.

TY: I like it. So what we going to do about food?

FAYE: It’s free. Why put a price on something we all need to stay alive.

TY: Free homes.

FAYE: Yesss! And if people don’t have to worry about bills, then they don’t have to work or do stuff that makes them miserable.

TY: I’ve always wanted to be a pirate, not for my whole life, but just a couple years sailing the seas and that.

FAYE: I think you’d make an excellent pirate.

TY: Thank you but not like the one’s in history. I return bounty. So I’d go from country to country returning cultural and historical artefacts to their rightful homes.

FAYE: (Claps) We can go anywhere in the world because it belongs to everyone. no passport, visa, border shit.

TY: Because with our eco-friendly, solar-powered jet packs you can go anywhere.

FAYE: Yes. Hell you don’t even have to stay in this galaxy.

FAYE/TY: Fuck this galaxy! We could go visit the other Milky WaysTY: -and watch a supernova.

FAYE: We should defo visit this planet where the atmosphere has these particles in it that make you feel calm and floaty and shit.

TY: So you never feel scared FAYE: or sad TY: we could make a whole galaxy where you’re listened to FAYE: and everyone believes you TY: and your pains are taken seriously FAYE: and your worries are cradled TY: and we are seen as constellations FAYE: and hugged TY: and can breathe FAYE: A space where you can just They inhale, hold for four seconds and they exhale.

Journeys Text 1 Journey - Pre-show Location – Sloane Square Duration - 1 minute Text: So. Here we are. Together. I don't know how everyone feels about that right now. Some of us might be excited. Some of us might be regretting it as the reality sets in. Don't worry - that last one's how a lot of people used to feel at the theatre.

This is a Living Newspaper. Which makes us Living Readers. Look around you at all the other Living Readers. I guess, think about all the Living Readers who can't be here. Think about why they're not. Dumb luck. Different choices. Fewer opportunities. All three.

So we've been lucky, we've made some choices, we've had some opportunities. And we're about to go into a building together. Isn't it just great to be alive. Mostly. Living Readers for a Living Newspaper. Just remember - the people in this building don't pretend to know things we don't. They just want to start a conversation about what's going on. That's the difference between a living newspaper and a dead one. The Living version isn't trying to convince us of anything, and it can't exist without us being here. Let's go.

Text 2 Journey – Weather Room to Substage Location – outside Stage Door Duration - 10 seconds Text: All these new anxieties. All these new thoughts happening, at times we never needed to think before. Like going through doorways in groups, for example. I hope we're all doing OK. We should ask each other more if we're doing OK. Let's do that now. Are we OK?

Text 3 Journey – Weather Room to Substage Location – landing beside B2 lift Duration – 10 seconds Text: Sometimes it's good to feel like we're in the heart of something. To feel like we're getting a glimpse into the engine. The secret workings and the back rooms. It makes us feel special. It's not real,

though. Convincing us we're special. That we've seen the secret spaces. That's actually how they get you.

Text 4 Journey – Plenum to Box Office Location – landing beside B2 lift Duration – 20 seconds Text: I guess we should pause here and think about how sceptical we really are. Think about something you know in your heart to be true, but your only evidence for its truth is – you trust the person who told you. Think about how vulnerable that trust makes us, but at the same time how necessary it is.

Most of our important beliefs are based on trust. Vaccines work. Electronic voting machines are secure. A number on your phone is money. If you trust the world enough to trust these things are true, you're lucky.

There probably aren't lizard overlords though. So that's something.

Text 5 Journey – Plenum to Box Office Location – JTD Circle Duration – 20 seconds Text: A Living Newspaper has space. A dead one doesn't. A dead newspaper might try to give you the illusion of space. That's what the comments section is for. That's what the letters page provides. But on your own, speaking to dead pages and flat screens, nobody's listening. A Living Newspaper has this instead. This place listens.

You don't have to, but if there's anything you want to shout into the void, do it now. It'll hear you.

We promise. It's what this room was built for.

Text 6 Journey – Bookshop to JTU Location – L2 costume corridor Duration – 10 seconds Text:

Text 7 Journey – Bookshop to JTU Location – L4 at top of stairs Duration – 10 seconds Text: Sometimes it all gets a bit much, eh? You have to put the paper down for a second. Switch off your phone. Abandon all devices. Shut your eyes. Breathe.

Right. Enough of that. Let's dive back in.

Text 8 Journey – JTU to bar/restaurant Duration – 1 minute Location – Stalls-level lobby near top of stairs/lift to bar Text: We've spent nearly a year now waiting around to die. Some of us did die. More of us than should have. We've spent nearly a year now, reading about decisions taken, decisions not taken.

We've spent a nearly a year thinking about what's worth learning from this,, and thinking about what we used to do, what we might want to leave behind forever.

This is the start – just the start – of coming back. The long climb back from zero to twenty, twenty to a hundred, a hundred to as many as there used to be. This just might be the beginning of the end of the worst of it. But it's also the beginning of the most dangerous part - the forgetting.

The difference between a Living Newspaper and a dead one is, the dead one's designed to be forgotten. The living one's meant to be remembered. We've spent a year waiting around to die. We need to remember that, because it's going to help us live.

Obituaries By Jasmine Lee Jones

‘Be prepared,’ I’m standing in the kitchen, back to my Dad, probably making a cup of tea when he asks this of me. I’ve never received a warning like this before. It’s weird. An almost impossible request.

I hold my breath.

I never really knew you.

You were my father’s mother. Grandma-in-Luton. That was your first. Second. And Surname. To me at least.

I only find out your actual name when I pick up the order of events at the service. For years I thought it was Fay. “No Fay, you mustn’t do dat!”

My great uncle – your brother – calls out to you as you try to replace the curtain standing on a shaky stool when I’m like 8?

Sibling rivalry of the Windrush generation variety.

“And if you is to fall and nobody is here to ketch you…what will you do?”

(Pause.)

You birthed a family of 7. Raised and reared them. Taught them right from wrong. With my grandfather of course. 7 children who then spread their seed and had 9 children themselves - one of whom has now had 2 children himself - and what with coupling and first, second, third and x amount of cousins, I’ll let you do the math…

Let’s just say the Jones clan will always be big and bad!

Never a slight, small family gathering. Always big, grandiose. That’s our fashion, don’t you know?

Dad at the table complaining to Mum telling her about Uncle #1 telling him about a tune he done knew about from time Suttum like “Certain tunes I could draw that would blow his mind!”

She nods like she always does understanding, hearing this old refrain hashed out for the umpteenth time Aunty #1’s on the dancefloor cutting a shape No cameras please The revolution will not be televised and neither will these thighs The boy cousins are outside a jest and tease Poking fun at who hasn’t got what which console which game which name brand designer which what who won

I’m in the corner reading a book sitting next to Girl cousin #1 and girl cousin #2 who Are over a phone, bussing jokes It’s an older looking brick Nokia ting And I think That’s a bit odd Defo a bit odd But look back down Aunty #2 is in the kitchen cooking up a storm with Aunty #3 by her side cutting her eyes Girl cousin #3 is at the bar getting a drink and she slips me a smile Another uncle’s just gone into the smoking area for a fag, realises he’s out of papers and thinks fuck!

These are the Joneses and it’s time to keep up.

You You’re just sat in the corner Neither smiling Nor frowning Just there.

Always there.

(The song Ganja Farmer by Marlon Asher either plays or is sung.)

“Yes I’m a ganja planter, call me the ganja farmer Deep down inna di eart where mi put di ganja”

Pause.

Everything stops.

Is that coming from Grandma’s phone?

Which part of her know dem tune deh?

Does she smoke Tampi?

Why this ringtone?

Girl Cousin #1 and Girl Cousin #2 can no longer suppress their giggles. They are the culprits. And must be apprehended…

Beat.

It’s not gonna be the same now is it? It can’t be. * It’s cold.

In the Church.

Someone from the family comes over.

“You need to get your masks.”

What masks? We’re wearing mask -

Oh!

(The audience sees the mask with the deceased’s face on.)

Her face.

Across an obligation of today. It’s somehow defiant. * For the longest time I’ve thought that maybe this all wasn’t real. That I might have misheard…

Is Grandma really – Is she really …

Then they roll your casket across the Church floor.

I will never see you again and now I know that for sure. * I find out after your last child went to secondary school. You enrolled in school yourself. For catering.

I remember my Dad telling me about some small family business. Stall, I think? You had it with some Aunty or the other? Selling patties. In Luton Market or something?

White students lined up in their droves thinking the word Patties was a typo.

Fucking English people.

You tink say we na know how fi spell? *kisses teeth* Nah suh, this ain’t nuh pasty pasty this right here is a genuine patty!

You know the one that’s actually seasoned? Shade, but yes. Needless to say, luckily they weren’t put off by the kick in the taste and came back in their droves the next day.

Mmmhmm. Look pon dem. Watch. Jussa line up round di block!

You’d never let anyone go hungry.

I ransack my mind for memories of those times before…

My mind keeps surging back to a singular point. A memory.

It was maybe ten years ago. We were staying over at your house for the night maybe for a party or a funeral or I don’t know. Something. And you said to me: “You’re sharing my bed tonight, aren’t you?”

And I laughed. Maybe even scoffed. Scared to share a bed with someone my mind told me I should know well but I hadn’t got to know well enough.

I could have tried more. Should have tried more. If it were now….but of course it’s not. And right now, it’s too late.

It’s funny how much you learn about someone when they’re gone. The birthday on the order of events for the funeral is wrong. You weren’t born in February it was actually November but in old time Jamaica reporting the birth of a child several months later was apparently very common. The facts of your life a clerical error cus colonialism. Imagine.

You moved to London when you were 16.

Had your first child when you were 19.

And your last when you were 28.

(“I’ll always love my Mama” – The Intruders plays or is sung) Your children surround your casket now. My Dad clasps his hands together.

It’s weird how it all just started to drop in all of a sudden. When we passed my Uncle in the car to the Church who was walking down the road.

I suddenly realised…

He’s going to his mother’s funeral.

My grandmother’s. Funeral.

Fay’s funeral?

I forgot to say your name.

This whole time.

The real one.

Faval. It’s Faval. Fay for short.

It means “tawny” like your skin was…but also story.

Story.

(Blessed Assurance the Cece Winans version either plays or is sung, possibly overlapping the last word ‘story’ “This is my story this is my song!

Praising my saviour all the day long!”)

COURTING by Miriam Battye (A is bold B is not, anything Underlined is said in unison.

In general the spacing on the page indicates speed.

In general this is fast.

In general B is in more of a rush and A wants to slow down.)

Two people Try to lifelong commit to each other Quickly— Do we start now?

Yeah?

Y-yeah?

(They are a bit worried. They are aware of limited time, lights, other people standing there, waiting to be chosen—) I know we don’t have a lot of time so— Okay.

As far as I am aware My life hasn’t started yet Yes, same.

I am at present due to die alone.

Good.

(Beat) I mean not good. I mean me neither. I mean me also. I mean ditto.

Good. um What kind of person would you say you are?

Um. Present?

Good.

Are you?

Yeah.

Great. I’m happy. We done here?

Yes I mean there’s no one else.

Sorry.

No that’s fine. I mean there’s actually millions else but ultimately it’s just the same thing it’s just sitting across the table from someone with no guidance— You are, absolutely, adequate. Or as absolutely adequate, as anyone else.

Ditto.

(Suddenly, laughingly—) God it’s so hard isn’t it because I want to seduce you by pretending I’m normal but also fog you with every single part of my abnormal self in an itemised list so you will never be surprised or disappointed or leave later when I’ve properly put both my feet in.

Yeah I think we probably shouldn’t talk actually.

What?

Yeah the more you talk the more you’re going to start annoying me The more you Reveal about yourself the more I’m going to like start to Think and I don’t want to Think about this I don’t want to Think at all I just want to commit.

Uh— Quickly.

Fuck okay. Am I already annoying you?

No but this Conversation is like Tickling the balls of that.

(A says nothing. B tries to hurry things up) Look. I promise. I will not let you die alone Nothing will start to, eat you Etc. Or at leastYou will not start to decompose until you are in the ground.

We just have to promise each other that.

And not annoy each other too much before that point.

Okay. Good. Fine.

Anything else is a gift.

(They step closer to each other.)

How much do you like me?

Umm. What would you suggest?

A thinks.

I don’t mind, you go I’m easy Me too All right cool let’s just say A Lot Great We just need to be up front with each other About what Ummm yknow wants desires observations on the world Right Since they are about to become each other’s property Oh right yes right Cos I’m not fussy and I’m crucially not picky Oh my god me neither By this point amiright (lol) —All I want is someone who I can come home to and talk about my day with, Yes absolutely And be myself with, Who just loves me for me To sit there quietly whilst loving me for me Yeah me too definitely Who allows me to be myself yeah Ideally in the same room so I don’t feel alone whilst I am being myself Yes And loving Yes Myself Yes And who generally doesn’t impede on my dreams or whatever, Yeah yeah yeah yeah And likes me a bit more than I like them, Oh god yeah

Like 20 percent more than I like them, Yep that’s top of my list And is just someone who is reasonably sturdy and affable and like reinvigorates my mortality and provides daily universal meaning who I can cuddle up to on the sofa at the end of a long day, Yes Y’know and then die with.

Yeah. Same. Same. Co-sign.

Do we need to talk about Love at all.

(A bit of a bomb drop. B thinks.)

I don’t know. I’m a bit worried about that.

I think, if absolutely necessary, Yeah We just have to love really hard, near each other.

Okay.

Shall we commit now?

No wait I’m sorry. This feels a bit imbalanced. I probably need to hear at least some of your shit.

What? What shit?

Get your list out. Get your list out for the lads. Your itemised list of shit. Now please.

(B doesn’t know what to—) It’s like a Red Flag for me if someone is so Devoid of Feeling / so Incapable of making themselves vulnerable— I am not Devoid of—I am not Incapable of— Why are we arguing already??

This is supposed to be love or at least yknow Lovely Hey I’m on your side I’m trying to help you come across well I’m trying to help you do well here I’m trying to help you make yourself enjoyable to love Loveable Right, exactly, right And Loveable to me is someone who is willing to make themselves vulnerable I can be willing to make themselves vulnerable Ideally without being asked to make themselves vulnerable So you’re essentially saying you want a vulnerable person Fuck off I am happy to compromise but I think it’s important for us both to compromise otherwise it’s not really compromise is it it’s like one person flattening themselves against the wall so the other has space to dance.

Wait why are you looking at / them?

(A turns their light on the Other People) Maybe there’s someone out there who’s willing to be vulnerable without being asked to be vulnerable— No no no no no no Please don’t send me back out there. I can’t go back out there.

Okay. Okay. There. That actually. Is not a bad start.

Keep going.

(B really tries—)

Ummmm. I just need someone to love me asap otherwise I’m worried I’ll never die and me rattling around that big cold nothing forever will just kill me without all the restful implications Good. More.

IIIIIII’m worried I will just like die on the internet Okay??

I’m scared I’ll just be sat in this empty internet feeling I just want a warm finite body I want someone’s small problems I want someone’s small and possible needs to distract myself with Okay! Hi Needy! This works!

Whoooosh that feels quiiiiite good actually yeah Yeah!

Yeah it does!

Wooooo honesty!

Yeah!

Loving this!

Okay!

Let’s go!

You go!

Okay!

Okay!

Okay!

(Maybe jumping?)

Okay I’m not even lonely I have TOO MUCH contact with myself.

Wow! That’s honest!

I’m just so extraordinarily bored of looking at myself!

Me too!

I’m just so extraordinarily bored of only having myself to disagree with!

Totally!

There just aren’t enough options in a singular life I am pushing at the edges now I am making decisions about my follicles Yesterday I bought a tiny vacuum cleaner for my pores.

I KNOW I’ve been wanking to nothing I cannot even find a memory to wank to my wank terrain is just a vast empty warehouse without any plumbing and I’m just walking around it without any pants on roaring (A is laughing a little. A valve has been released inside B—) Help me Believe That I am living my life not one hundred percent for only one person It is just too few people help me At least At the very least Divide my attention between two different points Instead of just sitting in the middle with myself.

(B is a bit breathless.)

Wow. That was quite honest.

Yeah.

That was good.

I feel both closer to you now and also aware that you’re a piece of shit like me.

Yes I like you more and also find you despicable.

Right yes it’s good it’s healthy.

It’s human.

Maybe we’re allowed to do this. Maybe we don’t have to be our best shiniest self. Maybe we should build this into our, y’know, agreement-

Yeah I don’t want to be the Kind Of Couple who can’t be honest with each other I don’t want to be the Kind Of Couple who hold in their farts I don’t want to be the Kind Of Couple who don’t Actually Communicate With Each Other Like just Pretend to be perfect and functional and happy all the time Right Definitely Relationships aren’t supposed to be easy.

(Energy—) On that note do you need to be told you are loved?

Yes. Do you?

No that isn’t a priority. I need it in action, I think. And physical touch. Yes I think in order of priority it goes Acts of service gifts touch time spent words of affection Okay so I can do things for you And I can tell you I love you whilst you do them Yes It’s quite a good system, efficient Maybe you need to do more though actually since I’m like soaking lentils for you and leaving you supportive quotes on the bathroom mirror and getting you the good yoghurt and letting you watch your programmes and buying you all this thoughtful actual shit like every single day and you’re just like “I love you” and I’m like, Loved.

K. What would you suggest?

(A thinks about this.)

I might need you to say it without being asked.

Oh, right. I can try and do that.

No I might need you to want to say it, without being asked.

No I mean of course although you have asked me so— But no absolutely I can do that Oh and I might need you to mean it.

Okay.

Okay I can say (Convincing) I am. Overwhelmed. By you.

(A is a little taken aback/moved maybe.)

And I can mean it. Does that work?

Yes, that, uh. Works.

Wait did you just start to fall in love with me?

What? No. Oh damn. That would’ve made this easier.

Yeah Yeah I’m not doing it unless you are.

Fair.

Okay I agree. To all of the above.

Or rather. I have implicitly agreed, already, before you even asked me. You didn’t even need to ask me. Because. I had already decided, no, I had already wanted, to do all that.

And meant— And meant it.

Good.

And I won’t impede on your dreams. I will let you be you and let your truth be your truth and let you make big plans and um, do them.

Good, ditto.

And I will tell you I love you at regular intervals and I will let you watch television for as long as you want at the weekends without judgement or asking you to go outside and spend time in nature or whatever Cool I will buy you thoughtful little gifts from delicatessens when I pass them and make you feel good and capable in sex and help you with your tax return I will cook low carb meals and give you your space and deliver your dreams without taking credit for being the one who inspired them I will not demand public displays of affection or touch from you because I will understand that it makes you uncomfortable and does not to you come naturally as an expression of love it simply means you are doing what I’ve asked you to and that is not love that is a trading charter I will not make you feel like a Bad Person and get hypoallergenic linens for the bed that we share I will wait as long as you need for us to be Official or whatever the appropriate terms are instead of requiring them because of some predesigned non-specific set of benchmarks that have nothing to do with Us I willOn that note I will not I will not insist we are an Us but a You and a Me the word Us will be Factual and not Meaningful And I will love you and love you and love you and love you in all the ways you have described you need me to and make them feel like my own invention Okay Okay A brief pause.

They step a little closer together— Sorry is it just me or do you feel a bit worried now?

What?

(A bit laughingly—) It’s all a bit real now. Are you finding that hard? It feels hard.

It was just so much easier deciding what I wanted before you came in with all your Shit and your goddamn Actual Needs and individual preferences.

Yeah you’re all real now you’re all real and full of Potential Yeah with all your feelings and observations now all part of my property and all that Yeah so now I have to start worrying about how to accommodate them

Yeah lol Yeah It was so much easier when we just on the same / page On the same page, yeah For fuck’s sake I just wanted something easy Yeah I just wanted a bit of Love and like like Lifelong Commitment or something I just want something where you just know y’know Where everything makes sense I just want happiness for fuck’s sake is that so much to ask right????? just someone to cuddle up to when it’s cold out and love me quietly whilst I’m being myself I sort of can’t Lie to you I have my walls up my guard up you know what I mean? Yes you know what I mean you get it I have been hurt before but I feel I feel like you really might be good enough for me everyone says everyone else isn’t good enough for me it’s funny though it’s funny it’s funny though cos I never really thought of myself as Good.

(They take a step towards each other.)

I’m just looking I’m just looking I’m really only just looking for someone who Will live with me Quietly Will die with me Beautifully Will die with me So I am not Dying In a room on my own I’m looking for someone who will ensure My safe arrival into heaven My historical perpetual status as a Beloved As one of the Beloved people Not one of the people who people didn’t want to make eye contact with on public transport Y’know the ones who um, roamed about and constructed a meaningful social life out of elongated conversations with customer service representatives No Yes K Good Well um I think we’re on the same page then.

(It looks like it might all work out.

They are standing as close as they are allowed by law.

B holds out their hand— Then—) Sorry, wait. I’ve been thinking about your initial offer and.

What?

I’m so sorry.

But I don’t think it’s enough.

I don’t just need a person to die with.

I need a person to die in front of.

I need a person who will, When I die, Y’know Fall to their knees And Well Mourn.

You know.

I need a person to like close the shutters and like take off their clothes and like open their lungs and like Roar.

Y’know.

Like they have been properly taken apart.

I need a person to continue to live.

After.

As a Half.

Can you do that?

B looks at the crowd.

Is that a deal breaker?

Kinda. yeah.

A pause. (a bit miffed, hurried) Yeah, fine fucking hell fine.

Can we get on with this?

(One of them looks out to whoever is making a decision, here.)

Okay. We’re happy [with this].

Love, then.

(One holds out a hand.)

God I feel so much better now.

(The other goes to take it-) (Cut to black.)

QUESTIONS 1.

Dear Auntie Richard, I had a party that broke the lockdown rules but then Rita Ora broke the lockdown rules morer and everyone talked about her instead :( What can I do to stay relevant?

LF 2.

Dear Auntie Richard, I’ve just finished watching this amazing documentary called The Crown and I loved it….but I’ve just found out it’s not real! I don’t know who to trust anymore! Please help!!

OD 3.

Dear Auntie Richard, I keep shouting and swearing at people but have no idea I’m doing it. Am I the problem? Or are civil servants just fucking arsehole shit cunts?

PP 4.

Dear Auntie Richard, IS A SCOTCH EGG A MEAL?!

MG 5.

Dear Auntie Richard, My husband’s been fired but he’s in complete denial about it and keeps going round the house shouting “I WON, BY A LOT”.

Also I hate him.

Should I file for divorce now, or just wait until they arrest him?

MT

6.

Dear Auntie Richard, I’m tired.

I’m tired of this government that I know I can’t trust and one rule for them and another for the rest of us and getting shouted at at work and thinking every meeting might end in redundancy and and and and OR 6.

A long letter from all of us

MONOLOGUES 1.

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, I had a party that broke the lockdown rules but then Rita Ora broke the lockdown rules morer and everyone talked about her instead :( What can I do to stay relevant?

LF Closes letter Oh LF, oh sweet heart, bless your little cotton socks. Now darling, what we have to understand is that we are all just screaming little babies crying out for our mother’s teat. We really are.

Desperate for attention, banging our little fists on the floor because we’re not allowed another opal fruit and flopping our little willies out on the table for all the world to see.

And yes, dear sweet LF, sometimes your willy will be the biggest on the table. And well done you for that. But more often than not someone will come along, like this Rita Ora, with a great big….party that’s bigger than yours and everyone will forget your sad old penis existed.

Now my dear, what we must learn in this little adventure we call life, is acceptance. There’s a lot we must learn to accept that we really might not want to. Brexit, the price of a Freddo, Hermine getting kicked out of Great British Bake Off. And so my dear LF, my advice to you is that it might be time to accept your own very real, hard fought against, irrelevance. And to simply allow yourself to fade into the back ground, deep down in the algorithms of patreon. Good luck my darling.

Lots of love, Auntie Richard

2.

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, I’ve just finished watching this amazing documentary called The Crown and I loved it….but I’ve just found out it’s not real! I don’t know who to trust anymore! Please help!!

OD Closes letter Ahhhh now at one time or another we’ve all thought that Olivia Coleman is the actual reigning queen of England.

It’s a very confusing world out there full of grey area and nuance and it’s getting increasingly difficult to distinguish between what is fact…… and what is fiction.

(Game show vibes – intense lights and background music like Who Wants To Be a Millionaire if poss) Hello everyone and welcome to FACT OR FICTION with your one and only host Auntie Richard!

Thank you thank you so much. So tonight we have a brand new contestant in the hotseat. How are you feeling brand new contestant, are you excited? (interrupts) Ok that’s enough of that, because it’s time to play FACT OR FICTION. (sound effects, more light business) Ok question one: Donald Trump lost the US election. Fact or fiction?

If they say fact (sound effect for incorrect answer): I’m afraid I have checked his twitter and apparently he won by a lot.

If they say fiction (sound effect for correct answer): Correct. He never even ran for president. The last four years have just been a horrible nightmare we all need to wake up from.

Ok next question: Jacob Rees-Mogg is the Leader of the House of Commons. Fact or fiction?

If they say fact (sound effect for incorrect answer) : Ahhh tricky one that. I’m afraid the answer was fiction. He’s actually the ghost of a Victorian postman.

If they say fiction (sound effect for correct answer): Correct! He is of course not real at all, he’s actually the ghost of a Victorian postman. Spooky.

Next question.. Macaroni in a pot, that’s some wet ass pussy. Fact or Fiction.

If they say fact – (correct sound effect) You’re absolutely right of course! That’s why I’m never far from a bucket and a mop.

(Points to a bucket and a mop propped up behind) If they say fiction – in(correct sound effect) Oh come on, that’s obviously a fact. What do you think that’s for?

(Points to a bucket and a mop propped up behind) (Sound effect to signal the contestant has run out of time) Ahhh and I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today. Join us next time for another game of FACT OR FICTION. (Holds up a sign that says “Fiction warning: this game show has been fictionalised”)

3.

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, I keep shouting and swearing at people but have no idea I’m doing it. Am I the problem? Or are civil servants just fucking arsehole shit cunts?

PP Closes letter Well my dear, it’s a tricky one. We work in challenging jobs it’s true, and after all, we are only human.

But I think it’s all about learning control.

You see I’m doing my job right now and on the surface I’m presenting as calm and composed as I always would do in a professional environment, but on the inside you see, I’m a little bit more like: Picks up the phone and holds up the receiver. We hear a screechy voice screaming: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU ABSOLUTE WOLF IN A TWO PIECE SUIT HOW DARE YOU EVEN STAND THERE. HOW DARE YOU CONGRATULATE YOURSELF ON YOUR SO CALLED SUCCESS THAT’S LEFT A TRAIL OF BROKEN BODIES BLACK AND BROWN BEHIND YOU AS YOU’VE CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF A LADDER MADE OF OUR KNUCKLES LOOKING DOWN AT US WITH NOTHING BUT DEATH IN YOUR EYES. Puts the phone down. Smiles.

But of course I’d never dream of saying that out loud no matter how challenging a client was even if deep down inside I was thinking: Picks up the phone and holds up the receiver. We hear the screechy voice again: YOU TROLL UNDER THE BRIDGE OF FASCISM, YOU OGRE GRINDING ON THE BONES OF OUR ANCESTORS, YOU VAMPIRE FROM HELL DRUNK ON THE BLOOD OF INNOCENT CHILDREN, SMIRKING ON THE NEWS AND SMARMING IN THE CHAMBERS AND THAWING OUT YOUR COLD, LOVELESS SLAB OF A HEART ON THE FIRE OF YOUR PSYCHOTIC, ROTTEN TO THE CORE, SCUM RIDDEN CRIMES YOU CALL POLICIES. Puts the phone down.

But obviously I would never intentionally say anything like that to hurt you.

Smirks.

4.

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, IS A SCOTCH EGG A MEAL?!

MG Closes letter Well, where do I start. I believe, this is what we would call in the industry, a classic case of displacement.

Now I have very little to go off from your letter and I’d hate to come up with an analysis prematurely.

I just wonder if it’s possible that there are perhaps bigger things going on in your life right now than the issue of the scotch egg?

Looks deeply into audience eyes. Smiles. Nods.

Yes. I thought so.

You see sometimes when we’re worried or feeling anxious or we’ve made a number of poor choices that have led to the preventable deaths of tens of thousands of people, we take those negative feelings and transfer them onto another, less threatening subject, such as a partner or a colleague or a scotch egg.

So if it’s ok with you I’d like to just try a little assessment that might help us reach an analysis of the projections your experiencing at the moment. Does that feel ok?

Great. So. Holds up a picture of a scotch egg Can you tell me what you see here.

Wait for audience to answer Mmm I thought so. I’m afraid this is actually a picture of a five mile queue of lorries in South Kent.

So….

Never mind. Let’s try another one shall we. What do you see here?

Holds up a picture of a scotch egg that says “THIS IS A SCOTCH EGG” Wait for audience to answer Oooooo it’s actually your next job in cyber. Don’t worry though. You obviously just don’t know it yet.

Let’s move on shall we. Although I think I know how this is going to go….

Holds up a picture of a scotch egg that says “THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS ANYTHING BUT A SCOTCH EGG” What’ve we got here?

Wait for audience to answer Ahhhh it’s actually Dominic Cummings pulling his trousers down and doing a hot steaming poo on the UK. Aww close though.

Well I think we’re done here, aren’t we?

Bites into scotch egg.

Good luck with it all.

5.

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, My husband’s been fired but he’s in complete denial about it and keeps going round the house shouting “I WON, BY A LOT”.

Also I hate him.

Should I file for divorce now, or just wait until they arrest him?

MT Carefully folds letter.

Smiles. Sings (Girl by Destiny’s Child): Take a minute girl, come sit down and tell us what's been happening In your face I can see the pain, don't you try to convince us that you're happy We've seen this all before, but he's taking advantage of the passion Because we've come too far for you to feel alone You don't let him walk over your heart, yeah.

Pause. Smiles. Nods.

Sings again: I'm telling you Girl, I can tell you've been crying and you needing somebody to talk to Holds up a sign that reads: DO YOU NEED ME TO CALL THE POLICE? Girl, I can tell he's been lying and pretending that he's faithful and he loves you

Holds up a sign that read: BLINK TWICE FOR YES Girl, you don't have to be hiding, don't you be ashamed to say he hurt you Calls the police I'm your girl, you're my girl, we your girls Don't you know that we love you Police please.

6.

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, I’m tired.

I’m tired of this government that I know I can’t trust and one rule for them and another for the rest of us and getting shouted at at work and thinking every meeting might end in redundancy and and and and Closes letter and racists telling me they’re not racist and people listening to them and people following them and no one listening to me and I don’t know what to say anyway and worrying about my parents and wondering if I’ll see my grandma again and what if I get ill and what if I lose my flat and what if and what if and and and and arguments on twitter and black Friday emails and my spotify wrapped does NOT reflect my taste in music and why is skin care so expensive anyway and you getting the vice president’s name wrong and thinking that you’re really clever and taking the piss out of my pronouns and whinging about being called scum and voting to cut anti bullying funding for LGBT+ people and voting against free school meals in the holidays and abstentions I don’t understand and the labour party killing itself and the landlords putting rent up and the landlords getting mortgage breaks and bailing out the airlines and debt that should be written off and not being eligible for help and trying to get universal credit and bad internet connections and worse zoom quizzes and being taken to a detention centre and not getting a lawyer and being flown to a country I haven’t been to as an adult and climate emergency and sanctions and dodgy contracts and bad PPE and track and trace and stay alert and eat out to help out and clap for carers and go to work and don’t go to work and make it make sense and voting against a pay rise for nurse and care workers using food banks and distancing and shielding and anti masking and anti vaxxing and being on the front line and not seeing my grandchildren and regions being punished and being locked in my halls and what if I don’t get my confidence back and not being able to date and being ghosted after an interview and being confused for another Black woman and being confused for another Chinese guy and being made redundant and only seeing my husband through a window and losing my sense of taste and not being able to sing again and my chemotherapy being delayed and going for the scan on my own and miscarrying on my own and grieving on my own and what if and what if and what if I and what if you…..

Alternative 6. (if question is ‘A long letter from all of us.’)

Reads letter Dear Auntie Richard, I’m tired.

I’m tired of this government that I know I can’t trust and one rule for them and another for the rest of us and getting shouted at at work and thinking every meeting might end in redundancy and racists telling me they’re not racist and people listening to them and people following them and no one listening to me and I don’t know what to say anyway and worrying about my parents and wondering if I’ll see my grandma again and what if I get ill and what if I lose my flat and what if and what if and and and and and arguments on twitter and black Friday emails and my spotify wrapped does NOT reflect my taste in music and why is skin care so expensive anyway and you getting the vice president’s name wrong and thinking that you’re really clever and taking the piss out of my pronouns and whinging about being called scum and voting to cut anti bullying funding for LGBT+ people and voting against free school meals in the holidays and abstentions I don’t understand and the labour party killing itself and the landlords putting rent up and the landlords getting mortgage breaks and bailing out the airlines and debt that should be written off and not being eligible for help and trying to get universal credit and bad internet connections and worse zoom quizzes and being taken to a detention centre and not getting a lawyer and being flown to a country I haven’t been to as an adult and climate emergency and sanctions and dodgy contracts and bad PPE and track and trace and stay alert and eat out to help out and clap for carers and go to work and don’t go to work and make it make sense and voting against a pay rise for nurse and care workers using food banks and distancing and shielding and anti masking and anti vaxxing and being on the front line and not seeing my grandchildren and regions being punished and being locked in my halls and what if I don’t get my confidence back and not being able to date and being ghosted after an interview and being confused for another Black woman and being confused for another Chinese guy and being made redundant and only seeing my husband through a window and losing my sense of taste and not being able to sing again and my chemotherapy being delayed and going for the scan on my own and miscarrying on my own and grieving on my own and what if and what if and what if I and what if you…..

Horoscopes

By Temi Wilkey Edition #1 Italics indicate directions & notes on improvised conversation.

“Plain text in speech marks indicate direct scripted speech” *** Ask them their name. Introduce yourself. Ask them how they are.

Then… Ask them what they thought of living newspaper.

“Well, I’m your horoscope page and if this were an actual newspaper my section would be nestled at the very back, near the crossword. Most people forget I’m there but there are some people, some quiet believers, who always seek me out. Can I ask, are you the kind of person who would usually come to my page every week? Maybe even every day?”

They might not give a clear answer. But if their general vibe is yes: Great. If their general vibe is no: that’s ok!

“I’m just trying to gauge whether you’re sat here for guidance or just here for a giggle.”

Hold their gaze for a moment after you say this, then…

“Both are valid. I just like to check before we begin.”

Let however they’ve answered affect how you present their reading. If they’re a believer, be as sincere as possible. If they’re just here for the lols, you can be a bit more playful. But find at least one line where you really hold them, like you’re seeing into their soul.

“Now… what day were you born?”

There should be twelve laminated sheets of paper with the dates & symbols of each star sign laid on the table. Find their star sign and present their reading, trying to hold eye contact as much as possible (being vaguely off book would be lovely but not wholly necessary.)

Aries

- Even though life has scaled back this year, you might be coming out of a very turbulent time. The planets are promising brighter days for you, despite day light saving’s early darkness. Last week, Mercury entered Sagittarius, making this a good time for you to practise having an open mind. There may be things coming your way both in your professional and personal life that you’d never expect but that could be really good for you.

- The beginning of next week marks the New Moon in Sagittarius, which is an important transit because it’s the second and final solar eclipse of the year. This could be an incredible moment for you if you really lean into that optimistic, Sagittarian energy. This transit is asking you to reflect upon the many ways you’ve re-examined your life this year. There’s a lot of hope for reinvention on the other side of December. As we hurtle towards the New Year, you’re being presented with an the opportunity to lay important foundations that can help you build the kind of life you can get really excited about.

Taurus

- The demands of this unusual year have forced extended periods of introspection for us all. But the Sun’s recent shift into Sagittarius is in your eight house. Which means you’re being invited to go deeper and consolidate the many discoveries you’ve made about yourself in this time of isolation. Feel empowered to ask yourself what you want from your life, what you want to do away with and what you see your life looking like in 2021 and beyond.

- There may be much uncertainty about what next year holds from a pandemic perspective but within your personal journey, there is much for you to manifest. The New Moon in Sagittarius on December 14th will amplify your desire to go deeper so that you’re ready for Capricorn Season to roll around and launch you into empowerment, peace and abundant joy. It’s all waiting for you, if you spend some time with yourself and your true desires over the next few weeks.

Gemini

- It’s been a very difficult year to feel connected but this shift into Sagittarius season is in your seventh house and therefore is asking you to make the extra effort to do just that. This energetic opening is here to remind you that you are not alone and if you reach out and connect to the people in your life you will be both richly rewarded and deeply nourished.

- If you’re single, this is a great time to get on those apps and set up some socially distanced dates. If you’re partnered, this is an important time to put energy and effort into your romantic connections. But above all, you’re being encouraged to invest in your platonic relationships. Reminding yourself of the enduring love within your friendships will help you feel alive and carry you into the new year with a gust of wind beneath your wings.

Cancer

- This is a moment in time to take care of yourself. Do your best to indulge in every day comforts.

Prioritising your well-being and centring yourself is paramount right now. The New Moon’s solar eclipse in Sagittarius at the beginning of next week is inviting you to reflect on the ways that you’ve stood up for yourself this year and how to carry that forward into the next.

- All the things you’ve done to support your wellbeing are going to pay off this month. You’ve cleared space for good things to come your way and they’re coming. Particularly within your world of work. Hold hands with your health this month. Whether that be physical, mental, spiritual or all of the above. You’re laying the foundations for abundance in this coming year.

Leo

- Sagittarius season is all about giving you the boost you’ve been looking for and inviting you into the optimistic energy that will lead you into a coming year that promises new energy, new experiences and new life.

- You’ll be feeling more playful, more creative and much more easily inspired. Ground yourself in the present moment and be open to new ideas about what direction your life might go in. This energetic opening is incredibly exciting for you, approach it with joy and the fullness of hope.

Virgo

- Most of us have spent a lot of time at home this year and you may well be sick of your physical dwelling but the Sun’s shift into Sagittarius season is asking you to spend more time within your inner home.

Investing in your relationship with yourself and solidifying your spiritual foundation is very important over the next few weeks.

- The New Moon in Sagittarius on the 14th encourages you to find safety, support and strength within yourself. Finding the home you have within and clearing that space from negative self talk and mental chatter will create the space you need for the all the riches that are promised to you in the coming year.

Libra

- This could be a really special time for you. But only if you keep yourself open to connection and trust your intuition. The recent shift into Sagittarius season is encouraging you to get excited about your interactions with others, as they are likely to provide an opening to a wealth of good luck.

- Next week’s New Moon in Sagittarius is a solar eclipse in your third house. So it’s all about letting go of your worries about the future. The Universe has your back. It always does. So stay optimistic, stay open and stay hopeful about everything it has in store for you. You’ll be very grateful you did.

Scorpio

- It’s been a difficult year for financial security but Sagittarius season will bestow you with a real boost in this part of your life. This season is in your second house, meaning greater comfort and security should be coming your way.

- Let go of the frustrations you’ve had over this past year and welcome in the next week’s New Moon with open arms. It’ll give you the renewed energy you need to keep the momentum going on your professional path and help you to achieve your goals. Whatever you set your sights on this month is yours for the taking and the Universe is cheering you on.

Sagittarius

- Well, first and foremost, Happy Birthday! Whether it’s been, is today (!) or is yet to come, I feel honoured to be meeting you in this time of your solar return. This is your season and you should feel empowered to act like it. You can take this opportunity to be truly reborn. Embrace the new perspectives, new experiences and the new vision of what you desire for yourself. It’s set to come to you with crystal clear clarity.

- The 14th’s New Moon in your Sun Sign is your opportunity to release old behaviours and take hold of every joy that is in store for you in this solar return. The Universe is launching you into the fresh, abundant life that you so richly deserve.

Capricorn

- As I’m sure you’re aware, your season is right around the corner, so Sagittarius season symbols the end of a cycle for you. This is your greatest opportunity within any year to let go of the things that no longer serve you. Any unhelpful beliefs about yourself and your place within the world should be completely laid to rest.

- Take this time to say goodbye to the things you no longer need in your life and enjoy the beautiful things around you and that you may well have been missing. This transit is encouraging you to think about the things your soul truly desires so you can create space for that in the next chapter of your life.

Aquarius

- The shift into Sagittarius season is a brilliant one for you. This happens in your eleventh house so you are sure to be on top of your game. This is a happy goal-oriented cycle and your dreams are likely to be coming true, so make sure you dream big.

- The New Moon on December 14th wants to remind you to listen to your inner voice and continue to make inspired action. This is the first step in your journey into the new year so lean into this season’s momentum and open your heart to the great and joyful beyond that is astrologically promised to you.

Pisces

- Sagittarius season is inviting you to release negativity so you have the space within yourself for all the optimism and excitement you need to build the dreams of what’s in store for you in 2021. Your powers for manifestation are unmatched, but before you can do that, you need to invest some time in really figuring out what it is you want.

- The New Moon in Sagittarius on the 14th of December is the final solar eclipse of the year and creates a incredible opportunity for you to make some headway in your career. Make a plan for yourself and be sure to fill your energetic reserves so that you can add fuel to your certainty and fire to your belly. Partner your big dreams with your practical goals and you’ll be able to attract all the things you desire and so richly deserve.