BAILEY COHEN Four Sonnets

HONORABLE MENTION, 2018 LAUX/MILLAR POETRY PRIZE

BAILEY COHEN

Four Sonnets

after John

i. Despite my invisibility my feet still feel heavy when I move them across the mudded snow all browned and made disgraceful like the snow I am disgraceful I eat only when fed and never for myself John taught me how to cut herbs how to fold them unto themselves and chop finely placing one hand on the back of the knife and rocking back and forth he still sees me and I am glad for this I am trying to appreciate more and more to celebrate such small things like the way fresh sage must float in the air like mistletoe when I swallow it gently how dedicated & longing these plants must be to not just awaken but rise even when brought down first by wet snow then by my large and stumbling feet

ii. Drifting dutifully now I hover like a bee surrounded by a devoid of flowers surrounded by queens glazed in honey John stirred honey into the mug that I handed him full of vigor and what once was water like a bee I limit my drifting to only short distances I move from grass blade to grass blade and am celebrated by no one for this effort I think in terms of menial tasks & hexagons fuck whenever I want to & always in an anthology of gardens and beautiful things I stand triumphant & ashamed what use is recovery when there is no home to return to I hover like so many other beautiful hovering things but I still hover Oh John I miss you something awful your too sweet honey and springtime passivity

iii. Exhausted by these longer days I am attempting to slow my heart rate taking quiet and tired breaths I flicker like candlelight but smoke like something else feel myself becoming realer & stranger walk into sunlight and despite my expectations am nonetheless blinded I worry other people can only see my shadow glistening on sidewalk cement John I am becoming less of a ghost to myself it feels so lovely John I’m sorry that this feels so lovely but lately missing you has been wearing on me like the sky on something flightless lately I am sleeping for normal amounts of time but despite all this I remain terrifying John my remnants are all so terrifying

iv. By now John whispers to me through falling leaves or not at all my mother called told me her mother visited her in a dream I didn’t know what to say so I changed the topic didn’t tell her last night I dreamt I was a dream I liked it so much better to exist without consequence & only by moonlight to exist without worry now when I worry I worry about simpler things like if I’ve really changed or if I’m mourning properly I never know what skin is my own until I taste it oh John I dream of holding a lover’s tongue between my teeth of saying if you can hold me then you can hold me John I have done enough John I have tried my best John when my mother calls next I will say good morning I will say I’m doing just fine