Inner Dialogue - Supriya Padamanabhan

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T

he

single

story

creates

stereotypes, and the problem

I’m not good enough or I'm not good at

believe it to be true. Sometimes, there is

mathematics.”

a lack of compassion. We don't care

with stereotypes is not that

There are little folders in our

they are untrue but that they are

minds, which we keep accessing, like we

incomplete. They make one story

do when we read books. We keep

become the only story.” ­ Nigerian

accessing the same books, the same

author Chimamanda Adichie.

games or the same clothes. It is the same

The Single Story Folders We all have a single story in our

thing with the single stories in our minds.

enough to understand what it is like to be in another person’s shoes. We may lack empathy. Sometimes, it is because of a lack of courage. We don't really want to move out of our comfort zone.

Your Personal Brand Products are physical. We are all

mind which creates stereotypes and

Chimamanda Adichie, in her TED

products­­products of marriage, of

which we believe to be the truth. It does

Talk, says that when she came to the US

parents, of education, of career and of

not occur to us to explore it and look at

from Nigeria, they asked her, “What

circumstances. We are products of

its other facets. The problem with single

tribal music do you listen to? How come

something which force us to perform or

stories and stereotypes is that they do

you speak English so well?” Even from

act certain roles, but that is not all of

not give the whole picture. Our minds

India when we go abroad, people ask us

who we are. There is far more to us than

are filled with these single stories. These

how we speak English so well. The

just this product. Brands stir emotions.

little single stories that we have, create

reason we operate from the single

We are all brands. Each one of us is

our inner dialogues like, “I'm too fat;

stories is because of a lack of knowledge

unique, completely authentic and

about something and therefore we BUSINESS MANDATE

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45 SEP 2021

different from each other. Each of us

listen, acknowledge and understand our

stirs an emotion in a completely

inner dialogue?

Part of being emotionally resilient or finding inner peace is not to operate

different way. Somebody may be helping

Otto Scharmer talks about 4 levels

just from the conscious mind but to

people to feel calm, some may help

of listening in conversations. We can

become completely aware of the

people feel inspired and some may help

apply his theory to a conversation that

conversation

people feel energised.

we have with ourselves. He says that all

subconscious mind and then taking

Each of us stirs an emotion and it is

of our little stories come from different

conscious decisions. There are so many

that emotion that is remembered. If we

times in our life. Some of them leave us

messages going into our mind in a day.

think back to our school, we may

feeling so good. That is great. Some of

Some of it, we get rid of and some of it,

remember a teacher. It is the emotion

them come from our past or our

as we sleep, get sorted into a filing

that they have evoked that helps us to

subconscious mind, which is far more

system.

remember them. It could be fear or joy

powerful than the conscious mind.

going

on

in

the

All of us have a unique filing

or anything. In that same way, our inner

As part of our upbringing, we have

system. The way I arrange clothes in my

dialogue constantly stirs up an emotion.

learnt how to be mature enough,

cupboard is very different from how you

operate from our conscious mind and

do. It does not make anybody right or

make conscious decisions. Because, that

wrong, but we create these little folders

is the semblance of somebody who is in

in our mind and we file our single stories

charge and in control of themselves. But

into these folders. We have a folder

the fact is, the subconscious mind is

called Me, Success, Marriage, Career,

huge and overpowering and has the

Religion, Finance, Authority etc. We

loudest conversations.

have folders on everything. We keep

Understanding the Dialogues Emotions create little stories in the little folders in our mind, which make us operate in different ways, react to different situations and respond in different ways. How do we understand, 46

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The Three Loud Voices Some of the noisiest conversations that go on in our minds are from our three voices: • Voice of Judgment • Voice of Cynicism • Voice of Fear Voices of judgment come from regret, resentment and replay… ‘I should be like this, but unfortunately, I'm not like this.’ We have conversations from voices of cynicism with which we feeding these folders and all our inner

marriage is about having a husband or

get emotional. (Eg: It's all their fault; it

dialogues are based on the content of

spouse who is taller than me or earns

is not my fault; I'm helpless.’) The voice

these folders.

more than me. But that may not happen.

of fear comes from our worries. These

I have to look at my inner dialogue, look

three voices are having constant

at the folders and keep re­evaluating

dialogue and conversations with us. Our

them, without judgment.

whole purpose of having an inner

Reframing the Dialogues Very rarely, do we go back and re­ examine the folders. You may have a folder that says, ‘success means coming first.’ That is fabulous and it worked through school and college and it helped you to get a fabulous job. When you reach mid­management, you can't keep coming first. The inner dialogue of ‘success means coming first,’ may now make you become risk­averse. You may become a micromanager, as your fear of failure becomes huge. So somewhere

While the positive inner dialogues are great, the negative ones bother us.

judgment, cynicism and fear.

We have conversations with ourselves

These voices are not always bad.

about the past which may cause regret

For instance, it is good to have a voice of

like, ‘I wish I had done that, I wish I had

fear when you see a lion or a snake that

studied this, I wish I had taken that job

makes you run.

opportunity.’ We keep replaying that we are not treated fairly. A lot of our inner dialogue comes from regret, resentment and replay from the past.

along the way, you need to relook at the

We also have conversations that

dialogue that is going on inside, look at

evolve from the present like ‘I am an

the folder and reframe, as it is not going

introvert; I don't look good; my hair is

to work for you in the future. You can

too thin, my feet are too big and so on.’

reframe it to say that success means

We start looking at ourselves. Just as in

having an opinion that is respected or

that single story, we get into a tunnel

sought after.

vision and do not get to see the rest of

I may have a folder that says

dialogue is to recognize the voice of

the story that is around us.

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Taming the Three Voices Overcoming

the

voice

of

judgement: It is really about saying, ‘Can I show curiosity for my internal folders? Can I inquire about myself?

What are my triggers? What are my single stories? Do they need to stay? Can I explore different ways of reframing my ideas of success?’

My mom always tells me, “Eat some more.” That's her way of saying, ‘I love 47 SEP 2021

you.’ So I had this single story that moms cook well and feed their children.’

I cook well, but I don't like to cook. Does that make me a bad mother? No, I had to reframe. I had to look hard at this conversation and explore. I did not sit in judgment on myself, on whether I am being a good mother or not or a good parent. It does not matter whether it's male, female or anybody. This is applicable to everybody.

Overcoming

the

voice

of

cynicism: We can overcome this with

are feeling and to be able to be quiet in

with

the

3Cs

namely,

curiosity,

pure compassion. How often do we

that voice of cynicism.

compassion and courage. This is easier said than done.

acknowledge our feelings? I had a young

Overcoming the voice of fear:

lady who came to me and said she was

It requires courage to step into the

Then explore your mental folders

having

some

future. You don't know about that. But

and about what is stored in them about

relationships. During the course of

it's about saying, ‘Look, this belief or

marriage, career, parenting, authorities,

conversation, we came to the fact that

single story is not working for me. I

collaboration and networking. Explore

she was feeling jealous of certain people

need to change it. I need to think about

those folders and beliefs. The first time

and felt very bad about it.

how I feel and how I leave people

I did a session on beliefs, participants

feeling.’ If you're nervous, you're going

from a certain organization said that

to leave people feeling nervous.

women don’t get to network as much as

problems

with

Why is it so difficult for us to just acknowledge how we feel? I told her,

men do. “But that's a folder, a belief,” I

“You're feeling jealous. That's fine. It

So it's really important to be able to

doesn't make you an evil person. It's

recognize our voice of judgment, explore

okay to feel jealous. It's not going to be

it and understand it; recognize our voice

We often hear people saying, “I feel

there for the rest of your life. When you

cynicism, have compassion for it and

miserable because my colleague got a

acknowledge your feelings, it goes away

acknowledge it; and recognize that voice

promotion, but at least I still have a job.”

much faster. Its toxicity leaves you.”

of fear and say, ‘I'd like to reframe and

We keep excusing and pushing the

Sometimes it's okay to say, ‘this is

move ahead and this is how I want to

emotions down. We don't listen to our

how I feel,’ and that's fine, because we

feel.’ This, in effect, is that inner

inner dialogue. Instead, we say, “No,

have to replenish that energy of

dialogue.

you're too loud. I don't want to hear you,

acceptance. No car can run on zero fuel

Emotions are the loudest part of

and if we are going to be strong, we

our inner dialogue. It comes from these

must replenish our energy. A lot of that

voices of fear, cynicism and judgment.

comes from just acknowledging how you

What we need to do is to tackle them

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said.

because at least I've got something else.”

Unfortunately,

that

doesn't

work

because the buzz becomes louder and more toxic. Instead, show curiosity.

Look at yourself and say, “Today, I am the best that I can be, with the knowledge and wisdom I have now. Tomorrow or in ten minutes, I will be somebody different. But today I am fabulous.” We repent throughout our life saying that we have not reached our full potential. What is this full potential and who knows about this? We have a folder about this that stops us celebrating from who we are.

Explore where this feeling comes from?

much about courage and sacrifice. Every

no longer worried about not coming first

What little single story started this?

Mother's Day, we see on Facebook,

always.

Have compassion.

Twitter and LinkedIn, tons of posts about ‘how my mother sacrificed herself.’

Celebrate Who You Are We always think about how we need to fix our weaknesses and improve ourselves. We just do not acknowledge and celebrate what fabulous people we are and what brought us here. Look at yourself and say, “Today, I am the best that I can be, with the knowledge and wisdom I have now. Tomorrow or in ten minutes, I will be somebody different.

But today I am fabulous.” We repent throughout our life saying that we have not reached our full potential. What is this full potential and who knows about this? We have a folder about this that stops us celebrating from who we are.

Nurture yourself. Look after yourself.

Listen to your inner dialogue, be comfortable with that and explore the inner dialogue.

Do mothers want to be remembered for all the sacrifice, as somebody who could have lived a better or fuller life or do they want to be remembered for what they gave us, what they were, who they were and for their outcomes and the results of what they did? Think about it from the positives, from the results and then work towards getting it. So your inner dialogue should always be: ‘What do I want as a

Give yourself the freedom to ask.

Recently, someone in my team was really stressed out for quite some time. She said, “I need help. I need a bigger team.” Within two weeks it was done. The only thing that had not happened was that she had not asked and it didn't occur to us either. The minute she asked, she got it. So sometimes, you just need to ask, not necessarily for yourself but for others too.

result? How do I want to feel as a result of

Learn to say no. Our single stories

that? What is the purpose of what I want

don't allow us to say no, because we have

to do? Why do I want to reframe my single

this image of the perfect employee, perfect

story?”

child or the perfect parent. We give energy

Reframe what doesn't work for you anymore. When you reframe, reframe it to something that the conscious mind will believe. For example, when you reframe what success means to you, you can say, ‘I bring a lot of value and experience to the

Focus on Outcomes

Ask, say ‘no’

to others without replenishing ourselves.

People will remember how you made them feel more so than what you say to them.

Listen to your inner dialogue and inspire You. 

table.’ Then you will start working on how

I firmly believe that we all are

to make that value and experience

valuable. We second­guess ourselves so

relevant to the people around you. You are BUSINESS MANDATE

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Ms Supriya Padmanabhan supriya.padmanabhan@mypersona.in 49 SEP 2021