To My Dear Beautiful Daughter

Then when high school finished and these opportunities ‘went-away’, my life slowed down. I took a gap year and worked at a Donut King. I stopped dancing and being involved with the community. I spent five years never having a moment for myself, this was my year to chill the hell out. That’s when I discovered it. I felt this innate need, that bubbled inside of me and ate away at my confidence to make life decisions. It made me anxious, I felt as if I was wasting my life away and it took me to a very dark place mentally. It was a compulsion; I needed to be busy. Once I had come to this conclusion, I was so determined for the gap year to be over, so I could get busy at university.

And that’s actually exactly what happened. I spent my first year at university as a nineteen year old, studying two degrees, working three jobs, volunteering five hours weekly and attending regular dance classes. Needless to say, I was busy! It was not a ‘hang-outwith-your- friends-all-the-time’ busy, it was an ‘activities-that-will-contribute-towards -my-future-career’ busy. I liked the feeling of productivity, almost like I was constantly working towards future success. However, I discovered some things were lacking in my life. I had no time for family or friends. No time to use the money I worked so hard for. Low and behold, I fell back into my routine of habitual burnout, suffering chronic stress and depression, unable to get out of bed some days. So I had to make a change for myself! I quit two of my three jobs and decided I was fine living off of Centrelink, like every other poor university student. I cut down on the hours I spent volunteering and the time I spent at the dance studio. I scheduled weekly meetups with my friends and family, and I researched the hell out of burnout to ensure I could overcome the dangerous habit.

Even now, after I have completed my first three week placement at a school, whilst working thirty hours a week at my hospitality job, I am still plenty busy. I recognise my growing level of stress, see the symptoms of burnout manifesting stronger as the days go on, but I cannot help feeling the need to be busier.

I am still learning and finding balance that will give me that productive feeling, without stressing me the fuck out! Knowing how to have a healthy balance, to live in the present and not for the future, is one thing, but enacting this concept is proving to be a challenge. You may say that we have a complicated relationship, this innate need to be busy and I. However, I will get there one day. I am just going to take some baby steps.