When I No Longer Know” by Tamar Assayag

When I No Longer Know A monologue by: Tamar Assayag

Sometimes I feel like I’m dozing off. Not from a lecture by a teacher who is failing to get the class’s attention, not from my mom trying to tell me how I should clean my room more often (not that I ever will). But from life. I doze off from life. From reality. From everything that’s happened and from everything that could. It’s very hard to explain. It’s like, one minute I’m here. I’m grounded. I can see and feel what’s around me. But then the next, I just blank out. Imagine you’re watching a movie and after all the credits roll, the screen goes black. Everything turns black and you just don’t know where you are or who you are anymore. Are you the hero from the movie, awaiting their next adventure? Are you the person you were before you clicked play on the remote? Or are you some alien from a different universe and you can’t identify with anyone in this strange land? That’s how it feels. You’re split between worlds, and yet somehow you don’t even exist. You’re everywhere and nowhere. Sometimes when that happens, all I see is darkness. Just plain darkness. And then I start to shiver and it suddenly feels like someone just poured ice-cold water down my shirt. Other times I look ahead and I see a green screen. Red dots appear on the screen and as I involuntarily zoom into the red dots, they turn into images. Videos. Memories. Are they from my life? I don’t know. Maybe they’re from the past. Perhaps an old farmer living in the 1700s, about to be presented with the news that a child of theirs had died in battle. Or maybe it is of the future. I see a scientist combining chemicals, unaware that they’re about to make the biggest discovery of the century. I simply don’t know. It could be anything. Or it could be nothing. But whatever the reason may be that this happens to me, it does. And I can’t control it.

By Ziya Bajaj & Stephanie Liao ZB: What made you teach French? MK: Good question. Um, it’s my, it’s my second career… I was not a French teacher to start off with. After I had my children, I decided to try something completely new and different, and speaking French has always been part of my life, because it’s my first language, so I thought it would be kind of fun to teach kids my language. So I decided to go into education and be a teacher. So that’s kind of how it happened. SL: So, how is hybrid going for you teaching? MK: Okay, so so far it’s going well. It’s a lot of work on my end, but I think my students are doing okay! I think they’re thriving, so it’s working. ZB: Is it easier to teach virtual or in person? MK: In person. Always. Always in person. Hm. Always. ZB & SL: Why? MK: Why? Because the students are right in front of me, I can see exactly what they’re doing. When you’re at home, I can’t tell what you’re doing so I don’t know how many tabs you have open, I don’t know, I don’t know what’s going on! So it’s much easier in person. Much easier. SL: Do you find that students pay attention to lessons when on Zoom? MK: Um.. half.. a little more than half. I would say, probably 80%. 70 to 80 percent are paying attention, I’d say there’s 20-30 percent that are not paying attention. So it’s kind of in... it’s more than half, that are paying attention. I’m hoping that, you know, it increases. ZB: Okay, what is the most helpful app or website during online learning? MK: Oh, the most helpful app or website. We’ve been using so many… um so far, um obviously we’ve been learning Canvas so that’s been number one. Number two Quizlet. Number three Quizizz. Um, number four EdPuzzle, which we’re gonna start with next week. So far, those are my favorites. Oh, I also like the Wheel of Names. When I have to call on you, that’s really helpful. ZB: I thought you were gonna say Zoom. MK: Oh well Zoom… Zoom we can’t do anything without Zoom… so yes, Zoom. Zoom I guess is at the top of the list because we can’t do anything without Zoom. SL: So.. is there anything easier to do online rather

than in person?

MK: Is there anything easier to do online rather than in person… um, that’s a good question. The one good thing about it is… I don’t have to deal with your handwriting. In person, it’s really hard, some of you have beautiful handwriting and some of you don’t have the nicest handwriting. So… having everything digitally submitted is easier, um, so that definitely helps in terms of grading. And grading is easier too, because everything is submitted online. So that’s, that’s the good part. That’s the good part for sure. Grading is easier, reading your submissions, seeing where you’re writing and how you’re doing with it is easier, because it is tight, and as opposed to handwritten.