eulogy for a body that i never had by Callie Updike

eulogy for a body that i never had

CALLIE UPDIKE

thick, he said. i joked about being chunky no. you’re thick curvy

two c’s? just one? thicccccurvy a cccccompliment cccccrying i cried. into his arms as he caressed every lump i had become skilled at ignoring & there was fear i found fear in his eyes cascading across his sculpted cheekbones & guilt. it’s a good thing. i love that about you. you’re perfect. & i wept further as he danced across the eggshells i’d dropped at his feet.

him & i, we both kiss girls. kiss

no. curvy women thick women thicccccurvy women ccccckissing them because they’re beautiful. cccccurves fitting like a puzzle in our arms cccccaressing our muscles & ribs rubbing against soft skin

curvy women thick women

are beautiful. that can’t be the problem. but i’m crying. weeping.

grieving? mourning. because the body i had always believed was mine was dead to me.

visualizing me: young. powerful. dignified. breathing in unison with the breathless pattern of the upper west side sure, she’s a little more masculine than most with that lesbian haircut. but she’s thin. not much to look at but she’s? she’s pretty? she’s pretty. for years i lived inside of her not without doubt, of course but soothing words & numbers on a scale supplement & uphold the fantasy. no ass, no tits in a revealing dress, but she’s thin. she’s pretty.

why must i equate the two? i kiss pretty curvy thick girls

all the time.

but to that moment, i’d never lived inside of one.

weeping. soft, guilty hands running through my hair i looked down to my naked body my pale skin

it wasn’t thin anymore. it wasn’t pretty. the smooth arch in the small of my back & hips & ass & tits they were misshapen. lumpy. f*t.

the slender body that i had called home that i had taught myself to hide inside of to feel safe in the confines of even with no ass no tits in a revealing dress had been massacred no. stripped away. because it had never existed.

i wouldn’t have you any other way. that’s my type. and really, it was our type. thick curvy thicccccurvy wwwwwomen and i’m wwwwwweeping mourning grieving because

i knew it meant that i would have to learn to love this pretty body all over again.