QSaltLake Magazine - Issue 308 - Jan. 23, 2020

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ISSUE 308

news The top national and world news since last issue you should know

BY CRAIG OGAN

USN Ship Milk US Military policies have evolved from “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” to “Let’s Name A Ship After Harvey Milk.” The keel for USNS Harvey Milk has been laid in San Diego. Harvey Milk was the first openly gay man elected to public office in California. He also served in the Navy as a “dive officer.”

The ship being built is one which will lubricate the fleet, officially called an “Oiler.”

Torching the rainbow An Iowa man was sentenced to 15 years for burning a rainbow flag which was flying at a church in Nevada, Iowa. He was convicted of a hate crime and arson, and given a year for reckless use of explosives or fire and 30 days for harassment.

He’s said he tore down the flag that had been hanging from the United Church of Christ in and burned it because he opposes homosexuality.

Big money for Mayor Pete Mayor Pete is crying all the way to the bank after being criticized for holding a fundraiser in a “wine cave.” He banked $25 million in the 2019 fourth-quarter fundraising period. He was behind Bernie, but out-raised everyone else on the Democratic Party Presidential Primary ticket. The current, Republican, president raised $46 million in the 4th quarter. No word on what type

of cave the president’s money came from.

Hello Dolly, Goodbye Jerry Jerry Herman, the award-winning composer-lyricist of Broadway shows including Mame, and Hello, Dolly! died at age 88. He wrote the LGBT anthem, “I Am What I Am,” for La Cage aux Folles. Appropriately inspired by Ethel Merman in Annie Get Your Gun in 1946, he worked during the golden age of American musical comedy.

A long-time survivor of HIVAIDS, he lost his first partner in 1989 to the disease but lived long enough to legally marry and is survived by his husband and their god-child. He won several Tony Awards, including a Lifetime Achievement Tony, and the Kennedy Center Honors.

United Methodists to split The United Methodist Church has announced an agreement outlining how the U.S.A.’s third-largest religious denomination will split over the issue of LGBTQ inclusion. Some congregations, none in Utah, want to continue as what they see as a Biblical prohibition of homosexuality. The revanchist Wesley Covenant will leave with $25 million in revenue and church property. The Protocol of Reconciliation & Grace Through Separation still needs to be approved by delegates to the UMC’s general conference, which is scheduled to take place in Minneapolis in May. The holdup must be that the Wesley-ans are still debating keeping the Biblical injunction to stone mouthy teenagers and not mix cotton and polyester in one outfit.

HIV flyers keep wings for now The Fourth Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a lower court ruling preventing the

U.S. Air Force from discharging service members simply because they’re HIV-positive. The ruling allows two USAF service members to remain in the service while the case proceeds.

USAF policy calls for discharge as the service members may be sent to countries with laws prohibiting HIV-positive and gay soldiers from deployment.

The two were discharged from the CENTCOM command which covers Africa and the Middle East, home to the most virulently anti-gay cultures in all of the places the USAF fights to protect. Lower courts ruled the discharge violated the American with Disabilities Act as no medical fitness exams were performed and discharge was peremptory since the two men hadn’t yet been assigned internationally.

NBA exec weds LTBF Men getting married to men in the U.S. may seem like non-news any more, but Rick Welts marrying his longtime boyfriend is still noteworthy.

Welts is the GM of a franchise in a business category often thought of as “Toxic Masculinity.” He has run the NBA’s Golden State Warriors since 2011. His appointment then made him the most prominent U.S. sports executive to publicly identify as a gay man.

He stepped up his gay game by marrying his long-time partner, Todd Gage, in a ceremony officiated by the mayor of San Francisco, London Breed.

State legislatures flex culture war muscles Tennessee, South Dakota, Kentucky, and Florida legislatures are debating LGBT bills in 2020 sessions. The TENNESSEE House of Representatives followed the state senate in passing a law giving adoption agencies the ability to refuse service to a couple if the adoption would, “violate the agen-

cy’s written religious or moral convictions or policies.” The law was opposed by the Tennessee ACLU and Tennessee Equality Project because of the potential for discrimination against LGBT couples seeking to adopt. The law goes to Gov. Bill Lee (R) for signature, who says he will sign it.

In SOUTH DAKOTA, a bill was introduced disallowing doctors offering therapy or procedures to change a patient’s “gender” to anyone younger than 18 years of age.

Hormone therapies, puberty blockers, and surgeries would become illegal. The sponsor says the bill will do nothing to stop counseling allowing, “social transition.”

The KENTUCKY legislature is taking up legislation to ban conversion therapy, which would make it the 20th state to ban the practice.

FLORIDA bills have been “pre-filed” to ban gender-affirming health care for transgender children, repeal municipal and county ordinances protecting LGBTQ workers, and legalize so-called gay conversion therapy in places previously banning the practice.

Pantless Subway better than Tide pods What began as a prank in New York back in 2002 has spread far and wide, with undergarment-only-wearers taking to public transport in more than 60 cities including Toronto, Berlin, and Lisbon each year.

Participants are always reminded to maintain some modesty and not remove any more clothing than necessary. Gay men in the London Underground have gotten into the act with 100s of men braving the cold and riding the “Tube.”

Some even did a flash-mob dance upon de-training in London’s famed and crowded Waterloo station. Q

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ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

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Condoms offend the governor, so he pulls out

BY MICHAEL AARON

What would likely have been a story in a single news cycle carried only in the local press became another “Utah embarrassment” carried nationwide. An HIV prevention program paid for by federal funds also hangs in the balance.

Saying he didn’t want Utah taxpayer money paying for condom packages that twist Utah landmarks and sayings into sexual innuendos, Gov. Gary Herbert pulled over 100,000 condoms, a website, and a billboard campaign aimed at HIV prevention in the state.

The thing is, Utah taxpayer money wasn’t used in the campaign, and now that the already-spent funds are being trashed, there is a possibility the state will have to return money from the federal grants that paid for them.

STOP EVERYTHING “The campaign started on Monday, [Jan. 13],” community activist Michael Sanders said. “First thing in the morning, I took to social media and the story ended up in The Salt Lake Tribune an hour later. An hour after that I got an email from [the Utah Department of Health] to stop distributing the condoms until further notice.”

Sanders had hit many Salt Lake bars, the Utah Pride Center and coffee shops and had volunteers headed up to places as far as Logan before getting the email.

The campaign was a hit. Many places were already out of the first stash before the governor had them pulled. With such twists on the Utah vernacular as “Uintah Sex?” referencing the county in eastern Utah, “Greatest Sex on Earth” mimicking a phrase on Utah license plates, and “This is the Place” featuring a graphic of a bed, people began collecting them and talking about them.

THE PURPOSE The purpose of the campaign was to drive people to the website developed for the campaign. It included places to get tested, discussions on options like PrEP and U=U — Undetectable = Untransmitable, etc.

“It’s not about the condoms,” Sanders

said. “The concept was to create catchy phrases that were cute, would make people giggle, but then notice the website and go and get the information we are really trying to get to people. They were just a marketing tool. It could have been condoms, or bar cards, or whatever. The key was they needed to be printed, small enough to fit into a pocket, and engaging enough to begin conversations about HIV. That’s how you end the virus, by people talking about HIV.” The committee that created the campaign included healthcare professionals, community activists, marketers from Love Communications, and staff of the Utah State Department of Health. They had met for a year and decided to emulate campaigns from Alaska and Wyoming — both also conservative states.

COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR FIRED? The campaign went through an approval process through “all the proper channels,” Sanders said, which meant getting approval from Tom Hudachko, director of communications at the Utah Department of Health.

Calls on Friday, Jan. 17 to Hudachko’s direct line were answered with a message that he was no longer reachable at that number. By the following Monday, the recording was changed to say he was merely away from his phone.

The governor’s office told QSaltLake that Hudachko was not fired, but declined further comment on “a personnel matter.” The health department also declined to comment on Hudachko’s employment status.

WHO PAID FOR THE CONDOMS? The campaign was paid for by the Health Resources and Services Administration, which administers Ryan White grants aimed at stopping the spread of HIV. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control also gave the Utah health department a grant with the same aim. The state awarded the campaign to Love Communications, a marketing company that has worked closely with the Utah AIDS Foundation and LGBTQ organizations.

“There is no funding for HIV in Utah — zero,” said Sanders. “We get money from the CDC and Ryan White for HIV — both of which stipulate that there must be community participation in any campaign funded by them.”

The condoms and their packaging, the website, and billboards were purchased

by Love Communications through the campaign allowance.

No one at the health department, the governor’s office or the Ryan White grant office could say if the state will have to pay back the grant monies already spent on the condoms and packaging if they are destroyed.

FUTURE OF THE CAMPAIGN As this story was being written, the website — HIVandMe.com — was reinstated and an announcement was made that all condom sleeves would be retrieved and the cardboard wallets would be destroyed and the condoms distributed to partners.

On a positive note, the brouhaha created by the governor definitely has people discussing HIV prevention.. Q

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Utah Rep. Brad Daw to run bill outlawing TEA of Utah hires a paid director hormone therapy, surgery for trans youth executive Transgender Education Advocates of Utah Rep. Brad Daw has agreed to sponsor a Utah Eagle Forum-proposed bill that would make it illegal for a doctor to prescribe hormone therapy or perform gender reassignment surgery to transgender minors. The bill is still being drafted.

Daw did say that the bill would allow puberty blockers — medications that temporarily put puberty on hold.

However, Transgender Education Advocates of Utah leaders are concerned about the bill.

“We are alarmed by the impact it could have on our community as well as the unintended consequences that may arise when legislators get between patients and their providers,” TEA released in a statement.

“Transgender and intersex children and their families already face significant barriers to receiving the treatment they need, and medical and mental health guidelines for standards of care already exist.”

The group said issues such as medical care for the transgender population are widely misunderstood, and the legislation surrounding it often is used as a wedge issue.

“TEA looks forward to this opportunity to educate our neighbors about the vast body of research that has already been done to ensure the safety of children in our community.”

UTAH FAMILY Such a bill is terrifying to a Roy, Utah family, who said that their child was withdrawn and angry before they came out as transgender at the age of 12.

Working with doctors and a counselor, Dex began wearing their hair shorter and clothes generally aligned with boys.

Doctors prescribed puberty blockers and, over time, testosterone.

“As parents we were completely thrown, to say the least,” mother Robyn Rumsey told the Associated Press. “It wasn’t a decision that was taken lightly.”

Dex had considered suicide before coming out, Robyn said, and if he didn’t have access to hormones she worries those thoughts would return.

Now Dex is 15, happy and thriving, Robyn said. She also said they are considering surgery later this year.

“We have seen this child completely

turn around,” Robyn said. “I know that it would be a life or death situation for my son. We would be desperate to find help and medication for him.”

Dex told AP that the blockers and testosterone have changed their life.

“I was never comfortable under my own skin. I always felt wrong, disgusting and I hated myself. These hormones have allowed me to feel comfortable with who I am. It’s allowed me to be happier.

I don’t hate myself, I’m not depressed, I don’t feel suicidal anymore,” they said.

Equality Utah stated, “These reckless bills endanger youth and deny them access to life-saving care. We will need all of you to contact your representative to demand that these extreme anti-transgender bills never see Governor Herbert’s desk. We will stand united to protect transgender youth.”

Dex Rumsey said if such a bill were to pass in Utah, they’d want to leave the state.

“I don’t think they realize the damage these types of things are causing,” he said. Q

Utah announced that Candice Metzler will be the first out transgender person in a paid executive director position for a Utah non-profit organization.

“The transgender community performs advocacy in the form of free labor in most of its efforts. Today we start to change that with TEA of Utah’s first paid executive director, whose presence will assist in making our voices more prevalent,” said Sue Robbins, Board Chair for 2019. “The board of directors recognizes this incredible milestone and will build upon this in growing TEA of Utah as a key voice in the Utah transgender community.”

Metzler holds a Master’s degree in Social Work and is a doctoral candidate at the University of Utah. Q

Utah becomes 19th state to ban conversion therapy On Jan. 22, Utah became the 19th state in the nation to protect minors from the practice of so-called “conversion therapy.”

The new rules were formally published on Dec. 15 in the Utah State Bulletin, which marked the start of a 30-day public comment period.

Now, the Division of Occupational and Professional Licensing and Gov. Gary Herbert have adopted these new rules to effectively regulate the practice. These new rules prohibit any state-licensed therapist from practicing conversion therapy with minors. This means they will not be allowed to encourage a child to change their sexual orientation or gender identity in any way or give the child hope they can change themselves.

Equality Utah, the Utah Psychological Association, Rep. Craig Hall and conversion therapy survivors gathered at the Capitol’s Copper Room to celebrate the adoption of this new rule.

University of Utah law professor Clifford Rosky, who worked on drafting the approved language, stated: “Although Utah is a predominately conservative

state, protecting children from conversion therapy is not a partisan project.

It’s about preventing youth suicide — a goal that is widely shared by progressives and conservatives. Utah adopted this measure to prevent children from dying by suicide.”

Hall, the original sponsor of HB 399, said: “I am thrilled by the adoption of the administrative rule which ends conversion therapy once and for all in this State.

Thanks to everyone who helped develop language that both prohibits conversion therapy and also protects the legitimate interests of healthcare professionals, patients and families. This measure will truly save lives.”

A recent study by found that minors subjected to conversion therapy were twice as likely to experience depression (52 percent) and nearly three times more likely to attempt suicide (63 percent).

A new study from JAMA Psychiatry on transgender clients in conversion therapy experience “severe psychological distress” and “increased odds of lifetime suicide attempts.” Q

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Community memorializes a gentle giant, tireless activist, and thoughtful friend, John Bennett, who died at the age of 57

Friends

and family of John Bennett, who died over the weekend of Jan. 4, held a memorial of his life on Sunday, Jan. 19 at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, with hundreds in attendance and several speaking about their friendship with and admiration for John.

The Salt Lake Men’s Choir also sang in praise of the well-loved man and champion for LGBTQ rights in Utah.

Wesley Brady, a friend of John’s and member of SLMC said, “I have been a member of The Salt Lake Men’s Choir for over 37 years. I first met John when he joined the choir as our accompanist, as you all know he was an excellent musician and he brought not only his fabulous musical abilities to our choir, but his compassionate soul and very unique sense of humor. I have many fond memories of him and our choir adventures, but, mostly, I remember his compassion for others, not just through his many activist activities for the LGBTQ community but for his caring interest in individual people, including me!”

Bennett held leadership roles in the ’80s

and ’90s at the University of Utah Lesbian and Gay Student Union, AIDS Project Utah, Utah Pride Festival, and the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah.

Bennett served as executive director of the Utah Stonewall Center, the precursor of the Utah Pride Center, from 1994 to 1995.

He was an accomplished classical

pianist and was accompanist at the Salt Lake Men’s Choir for three years and, in 1993, helped found The Lesbian and Gay Chorus of Salt Lake City.

He was also former Sen. Bob Bennett’s nephew.

He was part of many other groups, including the Utah AIDS Memorial Quilt Project, and marched with the Utah contingent at the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in 1987. He went to several others after that first one.

“I always admired him for being so calm and composed. He was able to stand back calmly and look at the big picture and look for long-term solutions and tactical changes,” said friend and confidant Don Steward. “His opinion was one of the few I really valued because you know he thought carefully about things and incorporated all sorts of different perspectives before saying anything. He was wise and sage, like a lanky Yoda.”

John managed a senior center of Salt Lake County Aging and Adult Services from 2004 to 2013 before taking on the full-time role of caregiver for his aging parents until his mother’s death in May of 2018.

Not only did he serve the aging LGBT community, but he also attended to the young as well, having done “a lot behind the scenes for GLBT youth, especially with the Salt Lake City School District,” said Doug Wortham. “He was tireless in his efforts with school board members when advocating for GLBT youth back in a time when it was not nearly as productive as it can be today. Things are better today because of John.”

John started Bennett’s Art Glass in 2015. The name paid homage to the Art Glass Department of a former family business, Bennett’s Paint and Glass. He did custom pieces for many homes as well as Franklin Covey.

John became president of LifeRing Secular Recovery, a secular alternative to 12-Step recovery for drug and alcohol

dependency, in 2017.

In November, Bennett was hired as a program manager at the University of Utah College of Pharmacy, Pharmacology Department.

Others at the memorial also put their two-cents in with great love and admiration (and a little humor): “I’m thankful he was part of my world”; “We will all miss his kind and gentle ways”; “He had a passion to change the intolerances in this world. I am a better person for knowing him.”He was a wonderful friend”; “John was an asset to all who knew him”; “He was such a visible and classy role model”; “I hope younger people will hear his story and look up to him”; “I will remember his sly smirk and quirky humor.”

Robert Hall, who organized the memorial, reminded the crowd that peace does not need to be elusive. That we can honor John and find peace every time we hear beautiful music; every time we hug a friend or loved one; every time we experience great art; every time we advocate for equality. There John is. Hall invited the crowd to hold hands as Salt Lake Men’s Choir sang “The Circle of Life.”

And on a final and real note: “We are better off today because of John Wells Bennett.” Q

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Utah Rep. Chris Stewart introduces a religious liberties protection bill In January, Congressman Chris Stewart (R-Utah) and several of his Republican colleagues in the House of Representatives introduced the so-called “Fairness for All Act.” The bill is being described by its supporters as a compromise that protects both LGBTQ people and religious liberty.

In reality, says the American Civil Liberties Union, the bill facilitates the Trump administration’s ongoing efforts to give a greenlight to those who would turn LGBTQ people away from jobs, health care, housing, even taxpayer-funded programs, simply because of who they are. The bill also weakens some longstanding protections in federal and state laws for everyone, not just LGBTQ people.

CREATES A DIFFERENT STANDARD FOR ANTILGBTQ DISCRIMINATION By singling out LGBTQ people for lesser protections than other characteristics under federal law — such as race, ethnicity, and religion — the new legislation signals that LGBTQ people are less worthy of protection. It does this by providing religious organizations and service providers the ability to discriminate based on sexual orientation and gender identity where they are explicitly prohibited under current federal law from discriminating based on other protected characteristics.

GRANTS A LICENSE TO DISCRIMINATE IN CHILD WELFARE One of the most dangerous aspects of the new legislation is its proposal to upend the child welfare system to allow for sweeping taxpayer-funded discrimination. It would do this through the creation of a new voucher system whose sole purpose is to allow reli-

giously-affiliated child welfare providers — with whom the government contracts with to find stable, loving homes for children who are in state care — to discriminate against LGBTQ people or those, such as Jewish parents or single parents, who do not meet the agency’s religious criteria.

UNDERMINES EXISTING PROTECTIONS FROM THE COURTS Within the next seven months, the Supreme Court is poised to rule in a trio of cases concerning the existing rights of LGBTQ people under federal

law. This new bill would undermine a potentially favorable ruling in those cases by authorizing discrimination in many contexts where it would be prohibited under existing law.

Proponents of this bill claim that it will result in less litigation. They claim that by allowing discrimination by people of faith in many contexts, it will somehow end court fights over whether people of faith have a right to discriminate against LGBTQ people generally. The bill, however, would lead to more litigation by providing

Westmoreland wants utah judge to recuse himself in child enticement case

BY ROGER COX

Former Disney Channel actor Stoney Westmoreland and his attorneys allege that US District Judge Howard Nielson, Jr. is biased against gay people, and therefore, must recuse himself from a case on charges of enticing a minor. Westmoreland claims that, given Judge Nielson’s personal bias, a fair trial is impossible. The trial is scheduled to begin in March in Salt Lake.

Prosecutors say Westmoreland enticed a 13-year-old boy to his room at the Little America Hotel in Salt Lake City in December 2018. The “boy” was actually an undercover police officer. On January 3 of this year, Westmoreland was sentenced to two days of jail for violating the terms of his release.

The Hollywood Reporter notes that Westmoreland’s behavior brought him six felony counts: enticing a minor, attempted exploitation of a minor, and four counts of dealing in material harmful to a minor by an adult.

Westmoreland’s assertion stems from Judge Nielson’s participation in Proposition 8 in California. There, he private-

ly advocated for the proponents of Prop 8, which makes impartiality impossible, he said in court documents filed in November 2019. His defense attorney, Wendy Lewis, in court documents, revealed that the judge argued that homosexuality is a choice that can be reversed through conversion therapy, the practice of which is debunked by national psychological organizations.

Judge Nielson fervently refutes these allegations. He claims his duties as an attorney for Prop 8 proponents do not reflect his personal views. He further argues that his personal views will not guide his handling of Westmoreland’s case.

He must execute his responsibilities as a judge according to the law, and he refutes the idea that he would do otherwise.

To assume that the positions he argued on behalf of his clients would “improperly influence” him is unreasonable, he claimed. It should be noted that Judge Nielson did not disclose what his personal views are, but he did say that he does not hold the same views as his clients.

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

less clarity about the balance Congress first struck between religious liberty and nondiscrimination protections a half century ago in the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The courts have spent the past 65 years interpreting that balance and implementing existing law and this proposal would upend that carefully developed body of law in the service of expanding discrimination against LGBTQ people.

And it would also exclude people seeking reproductive health care from protections against sex discrimination, undermining and stigmatizing access to care that is constitutionally protected. Q “I can state categorically and unequivocally that I do not harbor any personal bias or prejudice concerning Mr. Westmoreland,” the judge wrote.

When Nielson was appointed to his position, 59 congress members, all Democrats, were opposed. They wrote in their statement that Nielson is biased against LGBTQ people.

Nielson was approved due to the support of Republicans, including Utah senators Mitt Romney and Mike Lee. Westmoreland reportedly enticed the “boy” on the popular dating app Grindr, where gay, bisexual, and transgender men arrange social and sexual encounters. Court documents submitted by Lewis say that the gay lifestyle which includes the “hook-up” culture, a “distinctly nontraditional” component.

‘The case will involve a detailed examination of the hook-up culture for homosexual men, how it works and what it means psychologically,’ Lewis wrote. A number of witnesses, she said, are likely to be gay men who testify about Westmoreland’s background, including his transition from a heterosexual marriage to being “an out, homosexual man.” Q

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Chris Wharton elected as Salt Lake City Council Chair A day after Erin Mendenhall was sworn in on the steps of the Salt Lake City County Building, the Salt Lake City Council elected Councilman Chris Wharton, who represents District 3, Capitol Hill, Avenues, and Federal Heights, as its chair.

The openly gay attorney will lead the council for a year, under city council rules, when a new chair will be elected.

Every January, the council elects one of its members to serve as chair and one member to serve as vice chair.

Chair duties include: signing documents such as adopted ordinances and resolutions, representing the position of the council to the media and the mayor’s administration, oversees the management of the Office of the City Council, and scheduling items on the city council meeting agendas based on driving forward council priorities.

Wharton is the founding partner of Wharton O’Brien PLLC, was vice chair of the Board of Directors of the Utah Pride Center, and chair of the Salt Lake City Human Rights Commission. Chris also served on the board of the LGBT & Allied Bar Association of Utah.

“I’m thrilled to serve the residents of Salt Lake City as chair of the city council in the coming year,” said Wharton, who was first elected to the council in 2017. “Together with my colleagues and the mayor, as well as residents, businesses, community partners, and other leaders, we can tackle the issues before us and act on opportunities that help improve the quality of life in our prospering city.”

Andrew Johnston, who represents District 2, Glendale, was chosen as the vice chair. Q

Know who WANTS your business and will treat you with the DIGNITY and RESPECT you deserve

14 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | NEWS

Q mmunity Participants Sought For LGB/Religion Study If you are an adult who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or pansexual and are currently living in the United States, you are invited to participate in this study investigating queer spirituality and its effect on mental health.

Clinical Psychology Ph.D. student Adam Stoker is conducting a research study looking at the effects of spiritual and religious beliefs on the mental health of people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or pansexual.

Religious doctrine and beliefs can conflict with a person’s sexual identity, Stoker said.

“Talking about religion and sexuality can be a touchy topic for many people, he said.

“Navigating conflicting identities can often lead to increases in such problems as depression and substance abuse.”

Stoker says that there is limited research on the potential differences between affirming and non-affirming religious or spiritual beliefs and how these differences may affect the mental health of people who are attracted to the same gender.

Participation is completely anonymous, will take approximately 30 minutes to complete, and you can choose to be entered into a drawing for one of three $20 Amazon gift cards The study is at bit.ly/stokerstudy This study has been approved by the Alliant International.

University Institutional Review Board and questions may be sent to astoker@alliant. edu.

Transgender Health Seminar: Trans-Masculine Surgeries The University of Utah Health Transgender Health Program invites you to a free seminar to learn how plastic surgeons Dr. Cori Agarwal and Dr. Isak Goodwin can help you on your gender affirmation journey. The next seminar is Thursday, February 20, with its topic and discussion on Trans-Masculine Surgeries covering phalloplasty, metoidioplasty, and top surgery. Come listen to our patient panel speak about their unique experiences.

The seminar will take place at the Utah Pride Center, Feb. 20, 6–8 p.m., 1380 S. Main St. Events will be live streamed to Facebook.

Graphic content may be included in presentations. Please RSVP at the link uofuhealth. org/seminartransgenderhealth

Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

Equality Utah PAC Brunch brings first lesbian Nevada legislator

Wasatch Roller Derby 2020 Season Opener

The Equality Utah PAC is hosting its annual PAC Brunch on February 8 with keynote speaker Nevada Sen. Pat Spearman, the first lesbian elected to the Nevada Legislature.

Spearman was the force that led Nevada’s efforts to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment, and says she is coming to help Utah do the same.

The PAC deploys a team of volunteers, voter mobilization strategies and cash donations to boost endorsed candidates to victory. The Brunch raises the funds to do all that. No matter what happens in D.C., they will work so that Utah elects fair-minded candidates to defend Utah’s LGBTQ community.

When: February 8, 10 a.m. to 1 p.m.

Where: Red Butte Garden, 300 Wakara Way, Salt Lake City Tickets at one.bidpal.net/pac2020/ticketing

Wasatch Roller Derby will host its season opener Saturday, Feb. 1. It will be a mashup bout with players from Wasatch Roller Derby, Wasatch Men’s Roller Derby, and the Beehive Skate Revolution. We all want to celebrate the beginning of a new year of roller derby.

The charity for this event is SLC Air Protectors, a Native American-led inclusive organization founded to address the on-going air pollution crisis in Utah.

Tickets are $10, children 8 and under are free. Doors open at 6 p.m., bout starts at 7 p.m. at The Derby Depot, 1415 S. 700 West, Salt Lake City.

QUAC Ski-N-Swim is Jan. 31–Feb. 2 QUAC’s 2020 Ski-n-Swim extravaganza will be held the weekend of January 31 through February 2.

The opening social will be held Friday, Jan. 31. The swim meet is Saturday morning, Feb. 1 with a dinner that evening, Sunday, Feb. 2 is a skiing and spa day.

The swim meet will be held at Kearns Oquirrh Park, 5624 S. Cougar Lane, Kearns, Utah.

Individual registration is $30 online before Jan. 29. On-deck registration will not be available. The primary timing system will be automatic timing (Colorado Timing System).

Times may be submitted for USMS records and USMS Top 10 consideration. The length of the competition course without a bulkhead is in compliance and on file with USMS in accordance with articles 105.1.7 and 107.2.1. Check-in begins at 7:30 a.m. A single event membership may be purchased if you are not a USMS registered swimmer for $20.

Warm-ups start at 8 a.m. and the meet starts at 9 a.m. It is estimated to end at noon.

All events are mixed gender and include 50- and 100-yard breast; 50-, 100-, 200-, 500yard freestyle; 50- and 100-yard backstroke; 100- and 200-yard individual medley; 50- and 100-yard butterfly; and 200-yard free and medley relays.

For more information and to register for the events, visit ski-n-swim.org

Third Friday Bingo The Matrons of Mayhem are supporting the Rocky Mountain Great Dane Rescue in February. This is one of the largest bingos of the year..

Regular Admission: $6 for one card or 2 for $10. Party Foul Insurance $5. Flamingo Hat of Shame $5, Drag-in-a-Bag $50 (for a contribution of $50 we will give the person of your choosing a drag makeover during intermission) Kitchen concessions available for purchase. This is event is family friendly, kids are welcome and encouraged. This is an alcohol-free event

Adolescent Transgender Health The Adolescent Medicine Clinic offering Gender Management and Support Services (GeMS) will be presenting to parents and youth on the topic Adolescent Transgender Health. This event is hosted by the University of Utah Transgender Health Program and the Utah Pride Center, Jan. 26, 1–3 p.m., at UPC, 1380 S. Main St. Hear about what the Adolescent Medicine Clinic offers, meet some of the providers, and learn about how our team works with your youth through their transition journey.

Dr. Nikki Mihalopolous and Dr. Adam Dell are happy to answer both parent and youth questions. They will have one provider presenting to parents while simultaneously in another room the other provider will be presenting to the youth.

If you are interested in participating on a youth or parent panel please contact them at transgenderhealth@hsc.utah.edu or message them with any questions. Q

January 23, 2020 |

NEWS | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 15

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

Gay Mormon Dad

A MEMOIR CH AD ANDER SON

Elevation Utah Gay Ski Week Turns 10 Hey there ski bums, ski abs, ski elbows, ski noses, and ski muffin tops! Elevation Utah turns 10 this year. Not only is it 10 chronologically, but it’s also among the top 10 things to do in those lists that tell you what the top 10 things to do are. It’s, in fact, the premier gay ski event. Are there any other gay ski events in the non-premier category?

Anyway, Tom Whitman plans to celebrate in grand fashion.

I do not mean in stylish shoes (although he might), but rather he says he’s bringing in the best of the best for entertainment and extending the elevated soiree to five days this year.

Among the many festivities, you can expect to see a stunning array of talent.

DJ Dawna Montell, and DJ Blacklow, will be here. Adam Turner is puddle-jumping across the pond from London to join Elevation Utah.

Elevation Utah takes off on February 26 and lands again on March 1. After that, the Daddy of Elevation events — Elevation Mammoth — happens March 18 through 22. Everyone is ready for that “altitude without attitude” spirit.

Schedule of Events WEDNESDAY, FEB. 26 9pm, Welcome Party with DJ Dawna Montell, Cabin Lounge, 427 Main St, Park City

THURSDAY, FEB. 27 12:30pm, Casual Lunch Meetup, Park City Mountain 4pm, Thirsky Apres-Ski with DJ Adam Turner, Cabin Lounge 9pm, Throwback Thursday, 625 Main St, Park City

FRIDAY, FEB. 28 Suggested Skiing at Canyons 12:30pm, Casual Lunch Meetup, Lookout Cabin, Canyons 4pm Friday Apres-Ski with DJ Dawna Montell, OP Rockwell, 268 Main St, Park City 9pm Neon, DJ Adam Turner, Cabin Lounge, 427 Main St

SATURDAY, FEB. 29 Suggested Skiing Park City Mtn 12:30, Casual Lunch Meetup, Mid-Mountain Lodge 4pm, Onsie Apres-Ski with DJ Blacklow, Cabin Lounge 9pm Gear with DJ Grind, OP Rockwell, 268 Main St Sunday, Mar. 1 4pm, Farewell Apres Ski, DJ Blacklow, 625 Main St You can get your tickets to ELEVATION Utah at bit.ly/UtahGaySki2020. More information at utahgayskiweek.com.

Available Now on Kindle or in Paperback at Amazon.com

Chad Anderson grew up gay in a large Mormon family. After years of trying to conform to religious standards, which promised a cure for homosexuality, he married and had children before finally coming out of the closet. Gay Mormon Dad is his story of finally learning to love himself in a complicated world. Chad currently resides with his two sons in Salt Lake City, where he works as a social worker and a writer.

Order now at bit.ly/GayMormonDad

16 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS

views

Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

quotes “My thoughts on gay marriage are that everyone has the right to love and be loved, and that’s the position I take.”

—Nick Jonas

“I am straight enough to know that if you want to marry whoever you want to marry, you should be able to marry whoever you want to marry.”

—Patti Labelle

“Everybody has the right to marry the person they love and be represented as a couple and family.”

—Julianne Moore

“My gay friend just admitted his love for me and he thinks I hate him. I’m about to show up at his house with flowers, pizza and video games.”

—Anonymous

“Equality, absolutely, that’s what defines us. It’s what makes us great. If it doesn’t sit well with your religion, let your God sort it out in the end, but that’s us. We’re equal.”

—Brad Pitt

“Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible — it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.”

—author Barbara de Angelis

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”

—Ann Landers

January 23, 2020 |

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

guest editorial

VIEWS | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 17

Is the Fairness For All Act fair for all?

BY ROGER COX

The most

blaring and obvious question is this, “Why must there be two sides with respect to equality?” This Act, as explained in a recent Deseret News article entitled, “What You Need to Know about the Fairness for All Act,” by Kelsey Dallas pits religious and/or faith-based organizations against LGBTQ persons and organizations. At stake, of course, is federal funding, tax-exempt status, employment, housing, adoption, civil rights, etc. Your imagination can figure out which side is pining for which benefits and protections.

These benefits and protections were addressed also in the preceding Equality Act, now stuck in Congress for almost a year. Referring to the Equality Act, Dallas says, “It would preserve existing faithbased exemptions to civil rights laws…”

She is attempting to just describe the Act, so it may not necessarily be her own opinion, however, the words jab at my sense of fairness. It contains exemptions to what? Civil rights! Exemptions for whom? Faith-based organizations who largely believe we are all brothers and sisters under Heaven whom God loves equally and unconditionally.

Some will criticize me as naïve, but I know our republic’s greatest achievement is the peaceful resolution of challenging issues; of these, one of the greatest is the peaceful transfer of power from one President to the next, but that is not the topic of this article. Factions from every perspective chime in to safeguard what they cherish as mandatory in order to pursue happiness. And that is where the clashes occur. Whose rights ought to outweigh those of others and why?

Well, that discussion could be a series of scholarly articles for another day, but fighting over civil rights is as American as baseball and apple pie… and marginalizing the minority. These days, faithbased organizations claim to be under attack and marginalized, yet the faithful

are the majority. For time immemorial they have been the attackers. They have attacked scientists and their views of the solar system. They made very unscientific attacks on witches in the 19th century and earlier, attacks against other religions with different views on God or the lack of any belief in supernatural, immortal beings, attacks on folks with family values different than their own, especially when it comes to human sexuality.

One interesting, arguably controversial, tradition as it relates to the expression of sexuality is that of the Oneida community in New York in the 1800s. Considering today’s faith-based morality, their ironic family value was to attend the joining of a man and woman and then have sex with both. I learned of this custom from Dr. Mark Malan, a board-certified sexologist.

Wikipedia goes on to say this faith-based, Christian group, with an affinity for the principle of perfection, by virtue of Jesus’ second coming has already occurred in AD 70, lived without sin and had reached “sanctification.” Therefore, it was impossible for them to commit sin, and marriage was abolished because it was an expression of jealousy and exclusion.

Imagine if the Oneidas were fighting for their civil rights in today’s charged environment. Well, it’s something akin to those who practice polyamory. What if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were fighting for their still-inforce doctrine of polygamy, though it’s only practiced inside the temples after one spouse has died? What if everybody were fighting for inclusion in the Fairness for All Act? What if everybody could recognize, codify and enact that everybody deserves the right to live as they see fit to take advantage of that truly American, inalienable principle of the pursuit of happiness?

What if this were not so difficult, or at least less difficult. What if people who serve coffee in restaurants while believing drinking coffee is a sin could apply the

same principle to LGBTQ civil rights as they buy cakes, flowers, and otherwise engage in commerce and the public square?

What if folks of other organizations that disagree with some practice could do the same? What if we put a higher value on caring for children than on which kind of marriage cares for them?

Americans will never have one version of anything.

It turns out then, that there are not just two sides demanding equality, yet it tends to boil down to two competing groups in an oversimplified Act. The two sides are FOR and AGAINST. Though I come down on the side of inclusion and diversity, I am not attempting to tell you what you should think. I do, however, want to encourage everyone to consider that there is more than meets the eye when it comes to equality. Q

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18 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS

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Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

Jenna Ellis

BY D’ANNE WITKOWSKI

You can

tell a lot about a person by looking at who they surround themselves with.

Remember when Donald Trump assured the public that as president he would have “the best people” working with and for him and they’ve all turned out to be incompetent at best?

It is perhaps too soon to say whether Jenna Ellis, recently appointed as a senior legal adviser to the Trump campaign, is competent or not.

It is not too soon to say, however, that Ellis has no love for LGBTQ people.

According to Media Matters, “Ellis has promoted harmful and ineffective conversion therapy; claimed that ‘Christians cannot follow God and accept or condone or participate in homosexuality’; and said gay and bisexual men have higher rates of HIV because ‘we cannot escape God’s moral law and His supremacy.’”

She seems fun.

Wherever did she get such extreme and awful views of LGBTQ people? I mean, you’d think she used to be the public policy director at the James Dobson Family Institute or something.

Because she was.

After the Pulse shooting in Orlando, Ellis took the opportunity to rail against Muslims and gays. In a piece titled Two Wrongs Do Not Make an LGBT Right”on a website called The Strident Conservative she wrote, “We cannot conflate the issue here. The deaths were an absolute tragedy, but LGBT activism is NOT the appropriate response. To begin activism only after a mass shooting concedes there was no reason to object in the first place.

That is simply not true. We have every constitutional and moral reason to object to gay activism.”

Wow. That’s a pretty shitty take: “Hey, people were just murdered for being who they are but now is not the time to start accepting people for who they are.”

Also her bizarre comment that LGBTQ activism began only after Orlando is evidence of why we need to teach LGBTQ history in school.

Buzzfeed mentions her book The Legal Basis for a Moral Constitution, published in 2015, and its complaint that the Supreme Court went too far with the Obergefell v.

Hodges ruling that legalized marriage for same-sex couples. According to Ellis, the Court “told the LGBT community that their homosexual lifestyle was not just legal privately, but morally validated openly through government recognition and social celebration and therefore equally as valued as heterosexual unions.”

You know, I really don’t care if Ellis thinks my marriage is “morally validated.”

She can scoff at my wife and I all she wants and I promise to never invite her to any anniversary parties. I am well aware that there are plenty of people who think like she does. Unfortunately she has the ear of the president, which is pretty scary considering how awful he’s already been to LGBTQ Americans.

By the way, I looked up Ellis’s book on Amazon, and in addition to The Legal Basis for a Moral Constitution there’s another book by a Jenna Ellis titled Our Little Secret: An Erotically Charged, Unforgettably Steamy Romance that also popped up. I don’t think both books are by the same author but I want them to be. One thing I can say confidently is that Trump has not read either book.

Media Matters unearthed a number of anti-LGBTQ comments by Ellis.

“The basis of believing homosexuality is sin shouldn’t be emotional or feelings based,” she wrote three years ago on Facebook. “When we base our judgment according to God’s judgment, God’s Truth doesn’t change. Therefore, our views

on sin won’t change according to our feelings about the sin or the sinner. Sin is always sin, even if nice people commit it.”

I am very much looking forward to her column holding Trump to the same God’s judgment standards to which she holds LGBTQ people.

When J.J. Abrams made a comment about adding gay characters to Star Wars, Ellis responded, “Why not also a Christian? Or a Muslim? Or a pedophile?

Or every other representation of any subculture, belief, and lifestyle? This overwhelming need to have LGBT ‘representation’ everywhere shows the falsity of their cry for equality. They want absolute subjugation of culture.”

This is, of course, not true. Even if Abrams added the entire cast, past and present, of The L Word I still wouldn’t be interested in Star Wars. (OK, who am I kidding? That’s the ONLY thing that would make me a fan.)

Ellis, like many anti-LGBTQ folks, has a persecution complex where she sees any acknowledgement of the humanity of LGBTQ people as a direct attack on her own humanity.

Unfortunately, we also have a president with both a persecution and a God complex. Having Ellis whispering in his ear can’t be good. Q D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.

January 23, 2020 |

VIEWS | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 19

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

who’s your daddy

Don't play games with your Tax Return!

A fine romance

BY CHRISTOPHER KATIS

Romance,

like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. And like beauty, it can fade as the years roll on. I’m speaking from experience. Kelly and I have been together for nearly 60 percent of my life, and where he’s still handsome as ever to me, we’re probably not as romantic as we once were.

We’re not unique in that situation. For LGBTQ parents, keeping a relationship fresh and romantic can prove to be a challenge. Tammy Shaklee, a relationship expert, LGBTQ matchmaker and founder of H4M Matchmaking tells me, “For LGBTQ parents, there’s often not a perceived or traditionally assumed role of one parent over the other. That can spill over into romance. I often coach couples to both assume you need to take the lead, take the initiative, make the first move.”

Dana McNeil is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of San Diego-based The Relationship Place.

She suggests, “All romantic relationships take work. All couples need to tend to the romantic parts of the relationship without getting stuck in the minutia of the business of co-parenting. Don’t make the mistake of assuming just because you have a strong relationship you can coast on your prior good vibes and commitment; keeping a relationship strong requires continued filling up the other person’s emotional bank account.”

For Kelly and me remembering what first knocked our socks off has never been an issue. Now, I’d never presume to understand what makes me rock his world, but to me, he’s the funniest person on the planet. He makes me laugh every single day, and that’s hot.

But we’re not much for dates, unless you count watching Project Runway on the couch or going to Costco together. Actually, Shaklee argues that date nights can bring with them a great deal of pressure and the challenge of mixed

expectations, all of which can lead to disappointment.

“One person can think ‘date night’ means roses, candles, Sade singing in the background,” Shaklee adds, “While for the other it’s all about rocking sex. It’s better to have dedicated adult time — just the two of you, no kids — however that manifests itself. It can be anything from watching tv to spending time quietly talking. That way there’s no pressure, and expectations are more easily met.”

McNeil advocates for date nights, suggesting that too many of her parent clients can’t remember the last time that they went on a date, or that the conversation didn’t center on the kids.

“Carving out time to remember the person you fell in love with, and the reasons why, helps to keep the relationship vibrant and romantic,” she says. “This requires spending some time engaging with each other in the ways you did when you were first dating.”

That’s especially important as your family dynamic changes. Although we’ll always be our sons’ parents, they’re both on the brink of adulthood already. The day they move out, get married, start their own families is on the horizon. It’s an important evolution for parents. That’s why Shaklee suggests the importance of investing time in your relationship. She says, “Dedicate time and thought to creating memories for you as a couple, not just for you as parents or for your kids.

When the kids are gone off to college, or out of the house as adults, it will be just you two. Keep courting that partner for sustainability.”

And sustaining our relationship is worth it. After all, I found a guy that’s handsome and makes me laugh. That’s all the romance I need. Q You can reach Tammy Shaklee at Info@H4M.com or 855.443.7463, and you can find Dana McNeil, LMFT at sdrelationshipplace.com or facebook.com/sdrelationshipplace/

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20 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | SAME-SEX WEDDINGS

Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

Q&A

on same-sex weddings

With

every union being unique, it’s up to each couple to interpret the traditions of marriage to suit their celebration. But if you’re running into conundrums as you plan your big day, these answers to common questions we’ve received will be sure to help.

Since there aren’t traditional bride-groom roles in a same-sex marriage, how do we decide whose parents pay for what? This is a question all couples face, not just gay ones. That’s because the age-old custom of divvying up the costs between the bride’s family (who traditionally pay for everything reception-related) and the groom’s (who historically cover the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon) is just that: ages old.

Today, many couples of all stripes are footing the bill themselves. In fact, a survey by the Gay Wedding Institute found that 84 percent of gay men finance the day and 73 percent of lesbians do.

Still, bankrolling the wedding often comes down to who can afford it, and it’s lovely when parents want to pitch in. As for who covers what, you can split the costs three ways (your parents, his or her folks, the two of you), or ask each side what they’re most excited about, whether

it’s the food, the music, or the décor, and have them invest their money there.

We want to avoid working with people who will make us feel uncomfortable. What’s a good way to make sure vendors are okay doing a gay wedding? Start by browsing the vendor listings on dedicated same-sex wedding directories, including UtahGayWeddings.com, which break down gay-friendly services by category. Not all of the vendors will use LGBTQ-inclusive language, but all have agreed to advertise on these same-sex wedding sites, so you can be sure they’re on board.

If you’re still having trouble finding a caterer, photographer, florist, or other vendor that reflects your vision, you can go the mainstream route. Once you see someone’s work that speaks to your sensibilities, simply let them know yours is a gay wedding and ask them directly if they’re cool with that.

I have extended family who have made it clear they won’t attend our wedding, but my mom insists all family must be invited regardless. Do I have to invite an unsupportive family member just because my parents say so? As the saying goes, you can’t please all of the people all of the

time. If you yield to your mother’s wishes, you’re compromising your own; stay true to yourself, and Mom and Dad will be the miffed ones. Neither is an enviable situation, but to be the most diplomatic about it, follow the who’s-paying-for-what rule.

If your parents are footing the majority of the wedding bills, you can keep the peace and invite Uncle Mike, even if he’s made his anti-gay-marriage views known in the past. (On the plus side, someone that unsupportive probably won’t show up anyway!)

If you and your partner are paying for the day, you can stick to your guns, explaining to your folks that, in y our heart of hearts, you simply aren’t comfortable asking unsupportive people to bear witness to your special day. As your parents, they ultimately just want you to be happy, but if they do still put up a fuss about it, you can always ask them to cover, at the very least, your stationery expenses so you’re not shelling out for the extra invites.

That being said, in the end, it comes down to you and what you stand for.

Don’t let anyone ruin your big day.

January 23, 2020 |

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

We are having a same-sex ceremony and are having trouble deciding on the processional order since there’s no bride.

Thoughts? Couples of every orientation are bending the rules to customize their ceremonies, so feel free to take a route less traveled to the altar. You can ask a person of mutual importance to escort the two of you on each arm. Or walk one behind the other with your respective parents, though you’ll still have to figure out who goes first (rock-paper-scissors?).

If neither one of you is being “given away,” proceed hand-in-hand. Or consider an alternate floor plan — dual aisles.

Dividing the seating into three sections, separated by two aisles, allows you each a path to the altar. Just keep in mind: Separate, simultaneous routes require a second photographer.

For a wedding with two brides, what do we call the men standing up for us? Give your wedding party any label you like; it’s your day, after all, and you can be as traditional or nontraditional as you want. They could be your “bridesmen” or “men-of-honor.” Likewise, grooms may appoint “groomswomen,” “groomsmaids,” or “best women.” Or, choose a completely genderless term, such as “attendants” or “party people.”

We’re planning a small civil ceremony in another state. How can we make our wedding feel like the “real” thing for both us and our guests, even if we’re already married? A ceremony and reception don’t necessarily have to occur back-to-back in order for your day to feel like the “big” one. Plan your party as you would if it immediately followed the civil ceremony but with additional sentimental touches.

For example, from your nuptials to let guests share in your first memories as a married pair. You can create a photo wall of framed shots, display pictures on your guest book station, or arrange a few images among the centerpieces at each table. You could even roll a brief slideshow during cocktail hour complete with pictures, video clips (filmed by a friend or professional), and audio from either the ceremony itself or you and your partner’s reactions after exchanging “I do”s.

If that’s too much technical trouble, ask select guests who attended your civil

SAME-SEX WEDDINGS | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 21

ceremony to stand during toasts and share a few words on what made the event special. Attendees who delivered readings could also stand to share them with your extended guest list during dinner.

If your reception will take place months after you become official, consider printing an image from the civil ceremony on the save-the-date or enclosing one in the mailed envelope. You can also pen a few lines on what the day meant to the both of you to display in an additional enclosure or on your website.

Most important, remember that loved ones are grateful for any amount of time they can spend with you to celebrate your happy occasion and are not keeping tabs on what events went missing.

How do you decide who takes whose name?

There’s no right or wrong answer to this question; it’s up to you and your partner to decide. You may want to go by two last names, two middle names, or a blend of surnames. However, keep in mind that each state has its own laws on what’s legit when altering your name. And decide early; your marriage license may determine your future name choices in some states.

Is there a way to incorporate religion into a ceremony if some rituals (and faiths) require traditional gender roles? While same-sex religious ceremonies may be hard to secure in certain places of worship and in certain states, if religion is important to you, there are ways to incorporate it. First and foremost, do your research. While some religions are more LGBTQ-friendly than others, even the most traditional of faiths may have certain locations or officiants that have a more modern take on marriage.

And if you can’t secure a religious venue, don’t be afraid to put your own spin on religious gestures or texts. Words of faith can be modified and re-applied to suit situations that extend far beyond their original context, so consider writing your own vows and including whatever religious sentiments are important to you. Or seek out a non-denominational officiant (like an ordained minister), and ask if they can customize your ceremony to include faith-driven aspects without going full-out religious.

When it comes to rituals, dare to break the rules. Muslims having a same-sex wedding can choose to wear Mehndi henna (traditionally drawn on the bride) regardless of their sex, and two glasses can be broken at Jewish weddings with more than one groom or two brides.

Bride, groom, husband, wife — marriage terms are all pretty gendered. What can we do if we align somewhere off of the gender binary? It’s your wedding and your identity — so call yourselves whatever you want! Some couples opt to refer to each other as their “spouse” or “partners” instead of husband or wife, and gendered terms like “bride” and “groom” can be worked out of the ceremony (i.e., “You may now kiss your partner” or simply “You may now kiss”; “I now pronounce you equally wed”). You can also create your own combination of the terms, like “gride,” and, on stationery like invitations and thank-you notes, use the gender-neutral Mx. instead of Mr. or Mrs. If you’re wary of verbal slip-ups on your big day, give guests a heads-up in person or on your invites. You can ask attendees to refer to you and your S.O. by name rather than label (“Amy and Amanda” instead of “the bride and bride”), or make it clear who prefers to be called what, no matter how nontraditional (ask guests to join “brides Amy and Amanda,” “partners Amy and Amanda,” “bride and groom Amy and Amanda” or even “grooms Amy and Amanda”).

What should my partner and I wear?

Fashion is all about personal style, so wear what you want and what you’re each comfortable in, be it a classic suitand-gown combo, double tuxes, or double gowns. And if none of those options fit your tastes, find what makes you happy and label the ceremony dress code accordingly.

If you both opt for the same look — be it menswear, womenswear, or something ungendered — you have two options.

Either go with your individual guts and choose whatever gives each of you satisfaction or factor in what matches (and clashes) and coordinate your looks with each other and/or your wedding theme. Q

22 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | A&E

Qsaltlake.com |

BALLET

A love story, a ghost story, and a tale of forgiveness from beyond the grave, Giselle is about a peasant girl who falls in love with a nobleman, not knowing he is betrothed to another woman. When she finds out the truth, she goes mad and dies, only to become one of the Wilis: ghostly women who have been betrayed and must spend eternity haunting men (every gay dude’s fantasy … without the dying part). See why Giselle remains one of the most enduring masterpieces in ballet with this ethereal production re-conceived by BALLET WEST’s Artistic Director Adam Sklute.

FRIDAY — GISELLE

Tony’s 7 Gay CONCERTS Agenda

Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South, times vary, through Feb. 15. Tickets $24-99, artsaltlake.org

BY TONY HOBDAY

SARAH MCLACHLAN is one of the most celebrated singer songwriters in entertainment with over 40 million albums sold worldwide. She has received three Grammy Awards and 12 Juno Awards over her career and was recently inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame.

In addition to her personal artistic efforts, McLachlan founded the Lilith Fair tour, which showcased female musicians. Her voice turns me to butter and sometimes straight, too. OK, not really … I’m a 5.99999 on the Kinsey scale. Anyhoo, seeing her in concert would be the perfect way to spend pre-Valentine’s Day. Apparently WILSON PHILLIPS is breaking the chain! Leading up to the 25th year anniversary of their self-titled album, Wilson Phillips has a lot to celebrate.

Since the beginning of their union in 1990, Wilson Phillips have won the Billboard Music Award for Hot 100 Single of the Year for the now iconic single “Hold On”, were nominated for four Grammy Awards, as well as two American Music Awards. After a 10-year hiatus, Wilson Phillips has reunited making appearances. Those crazy gals might be in over their heads though with the ticket pricing, just sayin’!

THURSDAY — SARAH MCLACHLAN

13 15

Delta Performance Hall, Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main St., 8 p.m. Tickets $45-100, artsaltlake.org

SATURDAY — WILSON PHILLIPS

Dejoria Center, 970 UT-32, Kamas, 8 p.m. Tickets $59135, smithstix.com

THEATRE

PLAN-B THEATRE Company presents Singing to the Brine Shrimp, a madcap comedy about learning who you really are and what you truly value. With puppets and songs and the Great Salt Lake. Hmm, puppets and brine shrimp … who could ask for anything more. This is a co-production with Puppets in the City.

THURSDAY — SINGING TO THE BRINE SHRIMPStudio Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W.

13

300 South, times vary, through Feb. 23. Tickets $22, artsaltlake.org

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

DANCE

We all have our kinks, right? On January 24, SB DANCE features the extraordinary artistry, performance, and design of the local kink scene as only the wacky, amazing company does so well. Allure, fun, fantasy, and a model of expressing what you want and how to get it in a consensual, caring relationship. Sponsored by Utah Leather Pride and Black Garter. A variety show format with audience and adjudicated awards. All genders and orientations welcome. For newbies, pros, and everyone in-between. Cash bar, 21 and over only. Dress in costume or come as you are. Admission includes one drink ticket.

FRIDAY — KINKY BEAST CABARET

24

Black Box Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. 300 South, 7:30 p.m. Tickets $16, artsaltlake.org

DRAG SHOWS

Get your glitter, glam, and glass slippers on for JRC Events’ BLAIR ST. CLAIR drag show and her posse: Gia Bianca Stephens, Agony Ray, Tara Lipyncki, T.K.O., Rose, Anna L’Beads, Onyx, and DJ Shutter.

SATURDAY — BLAIR ST. CLAIR

1

Metro Music Hall, 615 W. 100 South, 9 p.m.

Tickets $20, eventbrite.com

SPECIAL ENGAGEMENTS

Visit Salt Lake announces the return of the QUEER LOUNGE to the SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL. The Queer Lounge was an independent space hosted in Park City from 2003 through 2009, but organizers found it difficult to maintain during the economic downturn. Visit Salt Lake revives it at The Daily in downtown Salt Lake, Friday, Jan. 24, and adds it to its annual line-up of popular Sundance Film Festival Lounges. Entertainment will be performed nightly, including Justin Utley, Sister Molly Mormon, Talia Keys, and many more.

FRIDAY — QUEER LOUNGE

24

The Daily, 222 S, Main St., 6 p.m. to when your queer ass is done, through Feb. 1.

January 23, 2020 |

A&E | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 23

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

Playright Jenny Kokai On How Her ‘Singing To The Brine Shrimp’ Explores LGBTQ+ Parenting

BY JENNY KOKAI

Once upon

a time, I read an article on writing artist’s statements, I think, that asked me to articulate what my “project” as an artist is.

What is the big Jenny Kokai question I am trying to answer with my writing? Looking back on my now 26-year career as a playwright (I started super young, I’m not that old), I realized that the thing all of my plays and all of my characters have in common is that they don’t understand how to fit in, they don’t feel “normal,” and they want to find someplace to belong.

So this is another play about that.

It is unfortunately still way more difficult to be an LGBTQ+ parent than it should be, in Utah and in other places. I read with dismay the recent news story of a fifth-grade boy in Utah who was berated in class for having gay dads. It is deeply hurtful and traumatic to any child to have their parents criticized or demeaned and it happens too often to children of LGBTQ+ parents. I was so proud of the three girls in his class who were having none of it and told the principal.

Despite the unnecessary injustices, on a day-to-day basis parenting for anybody is still filled with quotidian needs

like finding sneakers, making sure forms are filled out for school, arguing over your child’s refusal to eat anything that is not a white carb.

So Singing to the Brine Shrimp is not a play about those injustices, but rather those quotidian parenting things. Because that’s what parenting should be for everybody.

In this play, Allison is trying to realize a lifelong dream at a super fancy artistic event she is stunned and confused to have been invited to. She is doing this in New York, while her slightly hapless wife, her child, and her dog are at home in Utah. And it turns out the folks in New York are stunned and confused that the playwright they invited with an expectation of what they consider an old, Utah mom-to-be turns out to have an identity that defies their idea (because yes, as the actress we cast in this production demonstrates, there are people of color in Utah, and yes there are LGBTQ+ people in Utah and *gasp* like Plan-B’s own wonderful Jerry Rapier demonstrates, there are LGBTQ+ people of color in Utah). Allison goes to New York City expecting those people, of all people, can put aside her identity so she can be a fancy playwright.

This is a play about how they absolutely, comically, ridiculously, cannot.

But Allison is ultimately having none of that. She doesn’t want to deal with their preconceptions about her. She just wants to make art. And in the end, Allison realizes that the place and the

people to whom she belongs and even the place where she can make art, is at home in Utah, which surprises even her. A lot of us, I think, have had to either find or make our place in the world. We tell young people “it gets better” but a lot of the time it doesn’t just get better by itself, like a fairy tale. We have to struggle and work and find ways to make it better. We have to actively search for the place and the people to whom we

belong. And sometimes we can’t figure out what that place should be until we try out a bunch of places and realize what we need and want.

And sometimes the places we find what we need and want surprise even us.

So this is a play about that. Q Jenny Kokai teaches at Weber State University. Her new play Singing to the Brine Shrimp premieres at Plan-B Theatre February 13–23. Tickets and info at planbtheatre.org.

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24 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | A&E

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ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

Queer Lounge returns to Sundance — in Salt Lake Visit Salt Lake announces the return of the Queer Lounge to the Sundance Film Festival. The Queer Lounge was an independent space hosted in Park City from 2003 through 2009, but organizers found it difficult to maintain during the economic downturn. Visit Salt Lake revives it at The Daily in downtown Salt Lake and adds it to its annual line-up of popular Sundance Film Festival Lounges.

Entertainment will be performed nightly starting at 6 p.m. from Friday, Jan. 24, through Saturday, Feb. 1. A full entertainment schedule is below.

Helping locals and visitors alike get their Sundance Film Festival groove on in Utah’s capital city during the 10day event, the Sundance Film Festival Lounges are an ideal place to continue the conversation after taking in this year’s roster of amazing film offerings.

The Lounges are a great, affordable and convenient way to experience the magic of the Festival as there are no entrance fees and they’re open to the public, but seating is limited. All Festival lounges are ideal locations to discuss film, art, theater and cultural pursuits both pre- and post-screenings.

“With the growth in Salt Lake’s role in Sundance, we’ve felt it’s critical to continually enhance the Festival experience, be it before or after a film screening at one of the Lounges or simply relaxing and

enjoying some excellent local music in a casual setting,” said Michael Mack, special projects director for Visit Salt Lake.

“It’s been exciting to see the growth and success of Sundance here in Salt Lake, and I believe the urban experience offers something completely different, yet complementary, to that of

Performance Schedules Queer Lounge at The Daily 222 South Main Street

FRI, JAN 24 6 p.m.

7:30 p.m.

9:30 p.m.

11 p.m.

Mona Stevens Talia Keys Justin Utley Drag — Savannah Van Cartier

SAT, JAN 25 6 p.m.

7:30 p.m.

9:30 p.m.

11 p.m.

Marqueza Mana — solo rapper Raffi & Ischa Drag — Harpy L’amour

SUN, JAN 26 6 p.m.

Year of the Dog 7:30 p.m. Fiefia Family — family singers 9 p.m.

Courtney Lane

MON, JAN 27 6 p.m.

Drag — Viva La Diva 7:30 p.m. HASHA (six-piece band) 9 p.m.

Drag — Viva La Diva

the Park City scene.” Q For more information and for any possible last-minute changes, visit VisitSaltLake.com

TUE, JAN 28 6 p.m.

Cleavage 7:30 p.m. Justin Utley 9 p.m.

Ashley Finley (performance poet)

WED, JAN 29 6 p.m.

Leraine Horstmanshoff 7:30 p.m. Queer Sundance Film Trivia 9 p.m.

Drag — Madazon Can-Can

THURS, JAN 30 6 p.m.

Dee Dee Darby Duffin 7:30 p.m. Steve Dunford 9 p.m.

Drag — Sister Molly Mormon

FRI, JAN 31 6 p.m.

7:30 p.m.

9:30 p.m.

11 p.m.

Mary Tebbs Talia Keys Samba Fogo — Solo Dancer Drag — Gia Bianca Stephens

SAT, FEB 1 6 p.m.

HASHA (six-piece band) 7:30 p.m. Festival Awards Screening 10 p.m. Drag — Gia Bianca Stephens

January 23, 2020 |

DINING GUIDE | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 25

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

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26 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | A&E

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ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

Life in the Dollyverse ‘Ms. Dolly’ on how her LGBTQ-inclusive Netflix series is rooted in the ‘golden rule’

BY CHRIS AZZOPARDI

Dolly

was there, almost, holding court despite her lack of humanness, as queer writers on assignment huddled giddily in front of her, awe-stricken by the realness of a fake Dolly.

I stood, out of body, piled into the country legend’s Chasing Rainbows Museum as the tech magic that is Dolly Parton’s hologram welcomed me to a Dolly shrine, perhaps the most holy site I’ve seen since my parents took me to church as a kid. A regular experience at the museum, the 3D image of our honky-tonk goddess dove-coos about holding onto special memories and keepsakes; then, she asks you to remember one thing, breaking out some a cappella lines to let you know “that I will always love you.”

She blows kisses and bids farewell: “I’m outta here,” she says. And poof, there she goes, melting into the most magical cloud of blue fairy dust, falling to the floor.

Dolly transforms into a soaring butterfly.

Because... Dolly Parton.

When human Dolly descended upon a conference room at her DreamMore Resort in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, it was

PHOTOS COURTESY OF NETFLIX

like she’d just stepped out of a Saturday-morning cartoon — or out of that holographic screen. She whooshed into our room of journalists with a hearty, “Well hello eve’ybody!” and zinged up to the front of a throng of already-seated journalists, making an astute observation on her jolly way: “Y’all like a bunch of kids: quiet, waiting for Ms. Dolly, Ms. Teacher, to come in.”

Then Ms. Dolly got down to business, talking about her new Netflix anthology Heartstrings, where lessons are carefully taught with a steady hand and her unique ability to unify America, a topic recently explored in depth by Jad Abumrad on his podcast Dolly Parton’s America (having experienced Dollywood, including some of its otherworldly cinnamon bread, I can also say he’s spot on in coining her universe the “Dollyverse”).

Expanding her ditties into full-on mini movies, the eight episodes produced for the series extend hearty lessons inspired by a mixture of both iconic and more obscure Dolly Parton songs; they gently and sneakily school the ignorant, the blissful-

ly unaware and the downright bigoted, all told in Ms. Dolly’s preferred socio-political manner: through her stories.

The “Jolene” episode tells the tale of the eponymous misunderstood woman that Dolly fears will take her man in the song (played by Julianne Hough), though the episode concludes that it’s the cheating men who are the real problem. Forbidden love is the crux of “Down from Dover,” centered on a young black soldier and a white reverend’s daughter during the Vietnam War. The lesson of the “Two Doors Down” episode is classic Dolly because it’s the gay one. If you’re a queer Dolly-head, you won’t be surprised to discover her introduction to the episode, which spotlights a same-sex love story. But your homophobic uncle might be — in fact, he might even finally learn what non-binary means and that transgender people are real people, all thanks to Ms. Dolly’s Queer 101 classroom introduction.

The “Great Unifier,” as she’s been called, introduces every episode — and it is always the best part of each installment.

Here, she explains that even when she

January 23, 2020 |

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ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

couldn’t be with her blood family on the road, she was with “a whole new family, with bands and crews that were made of all kinds of people who were different colors, gay, lesbian, transgender and all different faiths. But it didn’t matter as long as we all loved each other and got along.

And we did. And we still do. Because what it all comes down to is love is love, in road families and in real families. Now life might not always be a party, but you are better off if you can just enjoy yourself, have fun and accept and love the people around you.”

What a wise teacher we have in Ms. Dolly. She reiterated a similar sentiment that day in the conference room, talking about the “golden rule” — that is, once she reached the stage. “I’m gonna need another lift,” she chirped. “These are not the kind of shoes you want to take chances in. These boots aren’t made for walkin’.” She stomped the floor, then we were off. According to Ms. Dolly, that rule is treating people right — and that if know your values, your morals, and you know what to sacrifice and what not to, “you’ll be all right.” (When asked about goddaughter Miley Cyrus, she further illustrated this point by saying: “People say you need to talk to Miley; I say, no, I don’t need to talk to Miley. Let Miley be Miley, I’ll be me and everybody needs to

do their own thing.”)

Heartstrings practices the golden rule, and like her brand emblem — the butterfly, which is everywhere at Dollywood and at the DreamMore (even the toilet paper in my hotel room was butterfly embossed) — happy endings are also ubiquitous in the Dollyverse. And so it’s no surprise that Heartstrings is an extension of that world. A world Netflix knew the streaming population needed more of, a series that Ms. Dolly said “really did tug at your heartstrings.”

In her mind, her songs are already movies anyway: “I grew up way back in the mountains, and early in my early days we didn’t even have electricity and we listened to the Grand Ole Opry on a battery radio.” She didn’t watch movies, and there was no TV, so to pass the time she would “paint pictures in my songs and tell stories,” she said. “So it was just a natural fit, I thought, to do a series based on songs that I’ve written.”

Ms. Dolly could’ve tapped into her most well-known songs for Heartstrings — you may have noticed there’s no Heartstrings episode centered on “I Will Always Love You” (maybe next time, she says) — but aside from featuring a few of her biggest hits, “we wanted to pick songs that are also different.” She loves Westerns and dressing up in Wild West get-ups, so

since she’s Dolly Parton and she can, she did a “J.J. Sneed” episode. Also, she loves dogs and “so I had a little song I had written years ago called ‘Cracker Jack,’ so we wanted to get one of those in as well. We wanted to cover all the emotions.”

At one point during the press conference Ms. Dolly sneezed, which is a non-story except that this was Dolly Parton sneezing, so it was an event. She asked for a tissue and whooped a laugh, teaching us all another lesson: even honky-tonk goddesses are susceptible to seasonal sickness. “With this weather changin’ and all that,” she explained, before a man who was, I believe, a journalist — but looked like he could’ve easily been in one of these Heartstrings episodes — passed her a tissue. She thanked him, calling him “cowboy.”

Like she was throwing the “Cracker Jack” dog a bone, she dangled the tissue out in front of our group of journalists, joking that she was going to fling it out so someone could sell it on eBay. Non-holographic Ms. Dolly, extraordinarily human at this point, called it “star snot.” Q As editor of Q Syndicate, Chris Azzopardi has interviewed a multitude of superstars, including Cher, Meryl Streep, Mariah Carey and Beyoncé. His work has also appeared in The New York Times, Vanity Fair, GQ and Billboard. Reach him via Twitter @chrisazzopardi.

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28 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | COMICS

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ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

January 23, 2020 |

PUZZLES | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 29

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

An Anagram of Cats

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution which can be reached logically without guessing. Enter digits 1 through 9 into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each digit, as must each column and each 3x3 square. Qdoku is actually five separate, but connected, Sudoku puzzles.

Q doku

Level: Medium

9

4 6 3 8 4 5 1 2 7 5 8 1 4 7 7 3 8 4 1 5 6 2 9 4 8 3 7 4 8 1 9 3 2 8 3 7 2 9 4 5 3 8 5 8 4 1 6 8 2 9 7 3 9 4

5 1 4 8 9 7 3 7 1 4 2 6 7 9 6 7 9 8 5 3 6 8 5 8 4 1 8 4 8 3 7 5 1 8 2 5 5 2 8 4 7 3 9 1 4 8 2 2 4 9 1 6 9 8 7 7 1 2 9 4 5 4 3 9 5 9 6 7 3 8 1 3 4 6 2 7 1 4 6 8 5

21 Actor Milo of Oz 22 Painter Kahlo 26 The Name of the Rose writer ACROSS 28 Like the nose on 1 Have sex, with your face “around” 29 Musical based on La 5 Bankhead’s home, BohËme for short 30 Nemesis of Tinker9 Macho doll bell 14 Shakespeare’s 31 James Baldwin’s The Hathaway Evidence of Things 15 Sherman Hemsley Not ___ sitcom 32 Make a hole in 16 Linney of Tales of 33 Get juice from a the City fruit 17 Balkan native 34 He plays Macavity 18 Historic Stonewall in Cats event 35 Britney Spears’ “___ 19 Like a bottom Curious” 20 She plays Bombal39 Pop singer Cleo urina in Cats 40 Where to find lots 23 Saturn model DOWN of pricks 24 Rent contracts 1 Sexually unre43 Unusual power 25 Robert of The Brady strained 46 Whip the butts of Bunch 2 Tatum of The Bad but good 27 Org. that makes News Bears 48 Poet-novelist May Stanley wear a cup? 3 One way to serve 49 On top of that 28 Diana or Grace your meat 51 Cats was based on 32 Streisand’s Funny 4 Matt of All the his poems Girl role Queen’s Men 52 Gay former NFL 35 Glen or Glenda: ___ 5 Bunghole’s place player Tuaolo Two Lives 6 Cockeyed 53 Abbey residents 36 “I’ll pay” 7 Cat’s cry 37 Ref for Woolf 8 Person in opposition 54 Torn and others 55 Lickety-split 38 Poor Dick’s book?

9 It makes bread 57 B in Leviticus 41 Fair grade spongy 42 One way to have 10 Rugby star Roberts 58 Ending with switch one’s meat 11 She plays Old Deu- 59 One of the Tweed drawers 44 ___ were teronomy in Cats 61 Thornton Wilder, 45 Visibly shocked 12 Bite it for one 47 Nocturnal release 13 Make money 49 Essen exclamation 50 Nine inches 51 Regard 54 Charlotte of Facts of Life 56 She plays Jennyanydots in Cats 60 Land in the sea 62 Pennsylvania city 63 Glinda portrayer in The Wiz 64 Gertrude painter 65 Screwdriver, e.g.

66 Synagogue chests 67 Rainy country for Eliza 68 The ___ Baltimore 69 Anagram of “cats,” and the theme of this puzzle

PUZZLE SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 30

30 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | MARKETPLACE

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ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

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7 9 8 3 4 5 1 6 2

5 1 2 7 9 6 4 8 3

3 7 4 2 1 9 5 6 8

9 2 5 3 8 6 1 7 4

6 4 3 2 1 8 7 5 9 8 1 6 5 4 7 9 2 3

2 8 1 9 5 4 6 3 7 5 6 1 8 9 3 2 4 7

4 7 5 6 3 2 8 9 1 4 3 8 1 7 2 6 9 5

9 3 6 8 7 1 2 4 5 7 9 2 4 6 5 3 8 1

2 8 7 6 5 1 4 3 9 1 6 2 8 5 7 1 6 9 3 2 4

1 4 3 9 2 8 7 5 6 9 8 3 1 2 4 5 8 3 9 7 6

6 5 9 7 3 4 8 1 2 5 4 7 3 6 9 4 2 7 5 1 8

3 8 4 6 7 9 2 1 5

6 9 7 2 5 1 4 3 8

1 2 5 4 3 8 7 9 6

5 9 8 1 4 7 2 6 3 7 9 4 5 8 1 6 4 7 9 3 2

2 7 3 8 6 5 9 4 1 8 2 5 6 7 3 9 1 2 5 4 8

1 4 6 3 2 9 5 7 8 3 1 6 9 4 2 8 5 3 7 6 1

4 2 5 7 6 8 3 1 9 9 5 7 2 1 3 6 8 4

7 9 8 1 3 5 6 2 4 6 8 1 5 7 4 3 9 2

1 3 6 4 2 9 8 7 5 3 2 4 6 9 8 1 5 7

3 1 4 5 9 6 2 8 7 4 1 5 7 3 6 8 2 9

8 6 9 2 7 1 4 5 3 7 6 2 9 8 1 4 3 5

2 5 7 3 8 4 1 9 6 8 3 9 4 5 2 7 1 6

January 23, 2020 |

MARKETPLACE | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 31

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

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32 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | QMMUNITY

Qmmunity Groups BUSINESS

LGBTQ-Affirmative Psycho-therapists Guild of Utah  lgbtqtherapists.com * jim@lgbtqtherapists.com Utah Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce  utahgaychamber.com * info@utahgaychamber.com LGBT & Allied Lawyers of Utah  lgbtutahlawyers.com * lgbtutahlawyers@gmail.com Utah Independent Business Coalition  utahindependentbusiness.org 801-879-4928 DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 YWCA of Salt Lake  ywca.org/saltlakecity 322 E 300 S 801-537-8600 HEALTH & HIV

Peer Support for Mental Illness — PSMI Thurs 7pm, Utah Pride Ctr Planned Parenthood 654 S 900 E 800-230-PLAN Salt Lake County Health Dept HIV/STD Clinic 660 S 200 E, 4th Floor Walk-ins M–F 10a–4p Appts 385-468-4242 Utah AIDS Foundation  utahaids.org * mail@utahaids.org 1408 S 1100 E 801-487-2323

Weber-Morgan Health Mon., Weds 1-4:30p 477 23rd St, Ogden Appt 801-399-7250 HOMELESS SVCS

VOA Homeless Youth Resource Ctr, ages 15–21 880 S 400 W 801-364-0744 Transition Homes: Young Men’s 801-433-1713 Young Women’s 801-359-5545 LEGAL

Rainbow Law Free Clinic 2nd Thurs 6:30–7:30pm UofU Law School, 383 S University St POLITICAL

Equality Utah  equalityutah.org * info@equalityutah.org 175 W 200 S, Ste 1004 801-355-3479 Utah Libertarian Party 6885 S State St #200 888-957-8824 Utah Log Cabin Republicans  bit.ly/logcabinutah 801-657-9611 Utah Stonewall Democrats  utahstonewalldemocrats.org  fb.me/ utahstonewalldems RELIGIOUS

First Baptist Church  firstbaptist-slc.org * office@firstbaptistslc.org 11a Sundays 777 S 1300 E 801-582-4921 Sacred Light of Christ  slcchurch.org 823 S 600 E 801-595-0052 11a Sundays

Qsaltlake.com |

Wasatch Metropolitan Community Church  wasatchmcc.org 801-889-8764 Sundays except the 2nd Sunday, 11:15a at Crone’s Hollow, 3834 S. Main SOCIAL

1 to 5 Club (bisexual)  fb.me/1to5ClubUtah  1to5club@

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Alternative Garden Club  bit.ly/altgarden * altgardenclub@gmail.com blackBOARD Men’s Kink/Sex/BDSM education, 1st, 3rd Mons.  blackbootsslc.org blackBOOTS Kink/BDSM Men’s leather/kink/ fetish/BDSM 4th Sats.  blackbootsslc.org Gay Writes writing group, DiverseCity 6:30 pm 2nd, 4th Mondays, Community Writing Ctr, 210 E 400 S Men Who Move  menwhomove.org OWLS of Utah (Older, Wiser, Lesbian. Sisters)  bit.ly/owlsutah qVinum Wine Tasting  qvinum.com Sage Utah, Seniors  fb.me/sageutah  sageutah@ utahpridecenter.org 801-557-9203 Temple Squares Square Dance Club  templesquares.org 801-449-1293 Utah Bears  utahbears.com  fb.me/utahbears  info@utahbears.com Weds 6pm Raw Bean Coffee, 611 W Temple

Utah Male Naturists  umen.org  info@umen.org Utah Pride Center  utahpridecenter.org  info@utahpridecenter.org 1380 S Main St 801-539-8800 Venture OUT Utah  bit.ly/GetOutsideUtah SPORTS

QUAC — Queer Utah Aquatic Club  quacquac.org  questions@ quacquac.org Salt Lake Goodtime Bowling League  bit.ly/slgoodtime Stonewall Sports SLC  fb.me/SLCStonewall  stonewallsaltlakecity. leagueapps.com 385-243-1828 Utah Gay Football League  UtahGayFootballLeague.com  fb.me/UtahGayFootballLeague Venture Out Utah  facebook.com/groups/ Venture.OUT.Utah SUPPORT

Alcoholics Anonymous 801-484-7871  utahaa.org LGBT meetings: Sun. 3p Acceptance Group, UPC,1380 S Main Tues. 8:15p Live & Let Live, Mt Tabor Lutheran, 175 S 700 E Wed. 7p Sober Today, 375 Harrison Blvd, Ogden Fri. 8p Stonewall Group, Mt Tabor Lutheran, 175 S 700 E

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ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

Crystal Meth Anon  crystalmeth.org Sun. 1:30pm Clean, Sober & Proud LGBTQIA+Straight USARA, 180 E 2100 S LifeRing Secular Recovery 801-608-8146  liferingutah.org Sun. 10am Univ. Neuropsychiatric Institute, 501 Chipeta Way #1566 Thurs. 7pm, USARA, 180 E 2100 S, #100 Sat. 11am, First Baptist Church, 777 S 1300 E Men’s Support Group  utahpridecenter. org/programs/lgbtqadults/  joshuabravo@ utahpridecenter.org Survivors of Suicide Attempt  bit.ly/upc_sosa  sosa@ utahpridecenter.org Trans Adult Support  utahpridecenter.org/ programs/lgbtq-adults/  lanegardinier@ utahpridecenter.org TransAction  utahpridecenter.org/ programs/transaction/ Sundays 2–3:30pm Women’s Support Group  utahpridecenter.org/ programs/lgbtq-adults/  mariananibley@ utahpridecenter.org Youth Support Group ages 10-14, 14-20

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Encircle LGBTQ Family and Youth Resource Ctr  encircletogether.org fb.me/encircletogether 91 W 200 S, Provo, 331 S 600 E, SLC Families Like Ours (ages 2-10)  utahpridecenter.org/ programs/youth-familyprograms/ Gay-Straight Alliance Network  gsanetwork.org Salt Lake Community College LGBTQ+ 8 slcc.edu/lgbtq/ University of Utah LGBT Resource Center 8 lgbt.utah.edu 200 S Central Campus Dr Rm 409 801-587-7973 USGA at BYU  usgabyu.com  fb.me/UsgaAtByu Utah State Univ. Access & Diversity Ctr  inclusion.usu.edu/ lgbtqa Utah Valley Univ Spectrum  facebook.com/ groups/uvuspectrum Weber State University LGBT Resource Center  weber.edu/ lgbtresourcecenter 801-626-7271 Youth Activity Night ages 10-14, 14-20  utahpridecenter.org/ programs/youth-familyprograms/

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January 23, 2020 |

BOOK REVIEW | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 33

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

the bookworm sez REVIEW BY TERRI SCHLICHENMEYER

How We Fight for Our Lives: A Memoir

BY SAEED JONES, C. 2019, SIMON & SCHUSTER, $26, 193 PAGES

You can’t pretend forever.

Eventually, the ruse gets tired, holding up pretenses becomes a burden, and keeping the game going is harder than telling the truth. You eventually have to break it down and let people know what you’re about. But as in the new book How We Fight for Our Lives by Saeed Jones, take care before telling everybody.

Saeed Jones was just twelve years old when his mother first uttered the word “gay,” though

q scopes FEBRUARY

BY SAM KELLEY-MILLS

ARIES March 20–April 19

Love appears in the form of passion and good spirits. It’s amazing how good someone makes you feel when things get a little tough. Don’t grow dependent on others for happiness, but if an opportunity for it exists, take advantage of it. Strength spawns from coziness, especially in matters of the heart. Let yourself enjoy!

TAURUS Apr 20–May 20

If there was ever a time to figure things out, this is it. Career woes should be handled swiftly and relationship and family matters demand a direct approach. Patience is good, but don’t delay. Draining the pressures of life will provide immediate relief. Don’t be scared to have some alone time and learn to love yourself first.

GEMINI May 21–June 20

A sense of adventure is notably missing, but do not fret. Life continues moving forward and will zeal with come back into you. Now is not a good time to gamble, so some caution would be wise. With everything that

he never thought it would be anything she’d ever say. Afterward, the word was “vibrating in the air between us” but there’d be no conversation.

Jones knew even then that the word described him.

Fascinated by men, he spent hours clipping pictures of male models from his mother’s fashion magazines, and he furtively read everything about gay men and AIDS that he could find at his local Texas library.

The library was also where he had his first sexual encounter with a stranger, at age 16.

That, too, was something he’d never tell his mother but he sensed she knew his truth: some days, he’d find his clippings in shreds, in a plastic bag on the kitchen counter, and he’d just start another collection. There was no discussion then, either.

By the time he graduated from high school, Jones knew that his life was not “twenty

minutes north of Dallas” anymore. He envisioned himself walking around Manhattan, exploring the city, and he aimed for college there but it wasn’t financially possible.

Instead, he went to Bowling Green, Ky., and thrived.

On his own for the first time ever, Jones realized he could be any Saeed Jones he wanted to be, but ultimately, he was freest being his gay self. Away from home, he made friends, joined college groups, drank too much, slept with men he barely knew, and he learned that “the words ‘gay’ and ‘alone’ weren’t synonyms for each other.”

And then one night, he went home with the wrong man…

On so many levels, How We Fight For Our Lives is a heartbreaking and beautiful book.

The most unforgettable parts lie where Jones writes about more than just himself and his own observations;

has happened, it’s understandable to feel weary of taking action. But after a small break, you’ll be back!

make a surprise appearance. However, be aware of some romantic intentions.

CANCER June 21–July 22

You’ve had a secret crush for a while. It’s possible everyone already knows! Don’t fear and follow your heart. It will make the world much easier to deal with. Being out of your comfort zone could take time to adjust to, but being exposed can be very liberating. Freedom is a gift to your self, among other things.

LEO July 23–August 22

A helping hand comes from a family member. A humble nature will emerge as a result, and a new perspective will shape your outlook.

Spend time with those close to you, and don’t let a moment of anger overcome your sensibilities. Staying calm when things heat up is encouraged.

The last thing needed right now is deep regret.

VIRGO August 23–Sep. 22

A big change is coming, so be prepared. Nothing is more frustrating than feeling like everyone is too busy. But it’s a good time for reflection and personal expression.

Splurge a little, but don’t venture too far from the familiar. A neat friend will

LIBRA Sept 23–October 22

A friend or family member is having a harder time than they let on. Give them a boost by showing how much you care. Whether it be a small gift or providing compliments, it can make a difference. Compassion comes effortless to you, though sometimes the call to action isn’t heard clearly. Perk up, pay attention.

SCORPIO Oct. 23–Nov. 21

A period of intense emotional strain will lead to an increase of desires. Give in to temptation with a sense of modesty, and satisfaction will be more abundant. An increase in finances will come available. Save for something you really want while being aware of hard times ahead. In the end, it has to hurt in order to heal.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22–December 20.

Buried emotions will rise to the surface. Evaluate your feelings carefully. The past is has a way of clouding your judgment but can also provide a good frame of reference.

Don’t mistake passion for love.

Misunderstandings could be the result.

Instead, remember that communication

a good portion of his tale is his mother’s. She recognized her son’s life but she obviously struggled with knowing-not-knowing and there’s a sharp pain in that, pain that leaps from the pages.

The bulk of this story — the part that seizes readers by the shirtfront — is spent watching Jones come to terms as he comes of age. Seeing him grow from self-absorbed young man into self-confident adult is satisfying, albeit cringe-worthy, because you come to understand what beats him back as well as what makes his spirit soar. Knowing all that happens between the two is what’ll keep you turning pages.

Be aware that this memoir can be raw, in both language and meaning, and there are graphic bits inside. Still, the power you’ll see in How We Fight for Our Lives will make you want to tell everybody. Q is key unless you can read minds.

CAPRICORN Dec 21–Jan 19

Nothing in life is perfect, but perfect love is very possible. Great moments will occur during this time with a relationship or good friend. An intriguing opportunity will present itself. Be cautious with individuals who seem too willing to give, especially right away. Open arms could be a trap.

Set restrictions and stand firm.

AQUARIUS Jan. 20–Feb. 18

Running away feels good from time to time. This will ring true during this time, Aquarius. Personal entanglements are bound to get sticky, but a little distance will help in overcoming the mess. Eliminate one problem at a time, and free time will flow your way. Relax with a clear head.

A good cry could also be cleansing.

PISCES Feb 19–Mar 19

Deciding that you love someone is only part of the process. Embrace both reason and instinct when finalizing a crucial decision.

Financial development will cause both delight and frustration when too many options become available. Do what feels right to your head and heart. Balance the way you deal with people. Q

34 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | SEX

Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

sex and salt lake city

Sexual sadism

BDSM

BY DR. LAURIE BENNETT-COOK

is not new, and in all likelihood, it is not going away anytime soon. Thanks to mainstream movies such as Fifty Shades of Grey and The Secretary, the conversation about BDSM is no longer too taboo to discuss. However, with that, also comes a lot of confusion.

While many are interested in finding out more about how to have kinky fun, the lines between what is arousing and fun, and what is abusive, can be blurred.

Sadism is one element that many associate all other aspects of BDSM with. To look more closely at sexual sadism, let’s break down the acronym of BDSM. BDSM actually stands for six separate aspects.

Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism.

So just what is sexual sadism?

In short, it describes one who

experiences sexual arousal in response to the pain or humiliation of another. Ideally Sadism is practiced with a willing Masochist (One who experiences sexual arousal by receiving pain and/or humiliation). All parties involved are choosing to participate willingly. Negotiations that take place between everyone and can be quite detailed and thorough. Consent is ever present.

Much like preparing a buffet of deliciousness, the Masochist will list all their favorite delights and desires in the form of sensations, pain tolerance, and possible humiliation — a menu if you will. The menu could include various forms of bondage and/ or depravations such as blindfolds, ropes, chains, as well as various sensations such as hair pulling, spankings, floggings, electricity. The menu and choices are as varied as the people who indulge in them.

Along with laying out all the desires the Masochist hopes to experience, there can be experiences that are completely off limits. Maybe the Masochist dislikes any stingy sensations. In that case it is a boundary and all things that might possibly sting are taken off the menu.

With the growing acceptance of people being able to express their fantasies through BDSM community, this may not seem problematic, and in most cases this it’s a positive experience for all involved. The people participating are consenting and indulging of their own free will. The person being hit to the point of bruising may be getting exactly what they desire and are receiving sexual pleasure every time they look at their bruises. Possibly a sexy reminder of the play they experienced. At the same time, the Sadist may have found the torturing (while consensual) of their play partner so arousing that just the thought of it can place them back into into a state of arousal.

The Key here — the parties involved are consenting and while pain may be experienced, no actual abuse is taking place and none of the actions are being done in anger. Everyone leaves the experience feeling better for it.

So, when does Sadism become problematic? In some cases, it can take conducting actual torture and humiliation, with the intent to do actual harm, for the Sadist to be able to experience any sexual arousal.. In other cases the Sadist may actually act out with harm to their partner in anger. In either case there

is no consent sought out or respected. In fact, just the opposite occurs. Once those lines are crossed, it is time to seek professional help.

To say it can be a challenge for those outside the BDSM community to understand is an understatement. Sexuality is at the core of who we are as human beings. It is through sexual interaction that we all came to be. Therefore, it can be a challenge to understand how the same action of inflicting and/or receiving pain can be either arousing or abusive.

As a clinical sexologist, most of the work I do is around honoring whatever helps people feel like their best sexual self. I consider myself a sex enabler and seek to help others feel acceptance with themselves in whatever brings them sexual pleasure.

Many times, what people find pleasurable, is questionable in mainstream society.

When that source of feeling good is in direct conflict with the consent and boundaries of another, it is time to step in.

Should one find themselves at either end of Sadism that is harmful and void of consent, finding the right therapist may be the saving point that helps to create a sense of safety.

The bottom line? For some people, inflicting pain and humiliation on others is what sexually arouses and excites them. And for some being at the receiving end of that infliction is arousing. But when consent is removed from the equation it is no longer a fun venture and intervention is needed. Q Dr. Laurie Bennett-Cook is a Clinical Sexologist with private practices in Salt Lake City and Los Angeles. She can be reached at: DrLaurieBennettCook@gmail.coml’

January 23, 2020 |

ADVICE | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 35

ISSUE 308 | Qsaltlake.com

ask mr. manners

Basking in the smell of love

BY ROCK MAGEN

I recently

asked a friend who works in retail if she wouldn’t mind using her discount to get me a bottle of cologne. She happily obliged, but then sent me a photo of three different “types” of the same scent. Does this sound familiar? So, here you are stuck with an eau de parfum in one hand and an eau de toilette in the other, and you haven’t the faintest clue which one to go for. What’s a person to do? Learning the lingo will help make your decision easier. And with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I am sure that we could use a refresher!

The terms eau de toilette and eau de parfum are different types of fragrances and actually mean something very specific — they’re not just fancy French words. They offer a big hint as to the intensity, price, and longevity of the cologne. The major difference between eau de toilette and eau de parfum has to do with the perfume concentration in each scent. Basically, an eau de parfum is a stronger perfume than an eau de toilette because its concentration of oils is higher. In a nutshell, a high fragrance concentration means there is a higher percentage of essential perfume oils and less alcohol.

As eau de toilettes contain fewer perfume oils, you’ll find that their prices are usually a lot lower than that of an eau de parfum. Just keep in mind — since eau de parfums are

more potent, you can get away with applying less; whereas an eau de toilettes may take a couple of spritzes to get your desired intensity.

Not only does the concentration of fragrance affect the intensity, but it also impacts how long it will last. Perfume concentrations dictate how long the perfume lasts on your skin, although the individual skin type and fragrance family can also play into it.

Since an eau de toilette is made with a smaller dose of perfume oils, it typically lasts only for a few hours. An eau de toilette is the perfect type of fragrance to use day-to-day, as the fragrance notes are less intense; even if you do go overboard, it’ll lighten up fairly quickly. An eau de parfum, on the other hand, lasts longer. Since it’s more intense than an eau de toilette, it’s a great option for night-wear.

Personally, I don’t like ‘rules’ in fragrance; I think you should wear what you want when you want, but be aware of your surroundings and your schedule. It’s nice to know that typically lighter concentrations are best suited for day-wear, and heavier concentrations are best worn at night — but like most things in life, the rules are meant to be broken.

So, get out there and try something different this Valentine’s Day! No matter what you choose, I’m wishing both you and your loved one’s “smells” to remember. Q

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36 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | FRIVOLIST

Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

the frivolist

5 sexual fetishes I’m definitely not here for

BY MIKEY ROX

Good sex

is a many splendored thing. But like many splendored things, good sex is relative. We all have our proclivities, and here are a handful that stay locked out of my bedroom.

1. Degradation

I hooked up with a 30-something local news anchor in my early 20s who loved being degraded during sex. Wanted me to call him a “fat pig” and other body-shaming obscenities while having intercourse. I obliged, but it was hard for me to call him those names — he wasn’t fat at all — and it immediately sucked the fun out of the experience. I’m a master name-caller, yeah (I have a few exes out there who can attest to that), but you have to date me for at least a year and cheat on me to make me stoop that low.

In other words: Put in the work, man.

2. Premature kink

I’m not kink averse, but I lean toward the lighter side. Like, sex toys are fine, but walking me around the house on a leash and commanding me to piss on a potty pad is not. There’s a whole lot of gray middle too, but what I’m referring to here is introducing kink of any level too soon.

In the beginning, sex between two new fuck buds should be fun, no accessories required. I’m more interested in the fresh meat and exploring new territory than I am opening a Pandora’s box of dildos and butt-beads. Those certainly have a place in my sex life once I’m settled into a relationship and want to up the ante.

But if my new partner and I can’t have fun and satisfy each other sans hardware for the first few weeks, I’m gonna check out early.

3. Ball pulling

My balls are where it’s at. They’re the most sensitive and therefore most pleasurable part of my body, and as such should not be ignored. My boyfriend is extremely gifted in that department, and to be honest (as if any of this isn’t TMI), I can’t get off from a blowjob unless my nuts are being caressed. (Way to go, Joe!) Given my scrotum’s utmost importance to my sexual health then… PLEASE, don’t ever fucking pull on them. I’ve been with men who are really into this masochism and I just can’t. I feel my own precious balls channeling the phantom pain of their testicles nearly being ripped from between their legs when I’m asked to do it. Why — whhhhy? — would anyone want to hurt those big baby-filled beauties?

4. Golden showers

I have a routine for my one-night stands: Go straight to the bathroom, take off all your clothes, promptly shower.

Leave it all there; nothing comes into the bedroom. I don’t want bed bugs or anybody’s unwashed ass on my crisp sheets.

I followed the same protocol a few years ago when I brought home a bar rando, but he also had a request for me: a golden shower. I was very uncomfortable with it.

I was also a bit intrigued.

So I pissed on him as he knelt in the

tub and moaned his weirdo moans — like that episode of Friends where Monica is interviewing for the creepy restaurant owner — and I decided henceforth that I’ll only be peeing on myself in the shower. And not just because it’s good for the toenails! (Seriously.)

5. Sub/Dom role play

I’m no prude — role-playing is fun, like when I made Joe dress up like a naughty reindeer for Christmas last year — but I won’t be your bitch. I don’t want

to dominate you either. I’m someone who needs control out in the world, so when I let my guard down, get naked and vulnerable, I want to be on a level playing field. Does that mean my sex is boring?

Not at all. I just prefer a mutual appreciation and admiration when everything’s hanging out. I’m a sucker for the passion and softness and sweetness. Regular renaissance man. Your whiny bottom ass can still make me a sandwich after, though. Q Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has been published in more than 100 outlets across the world. He spends his time writing from the beach with his dog Jaxon. Connect with Mikey on Instagram @mikeyroxtravels.

SEPTEMBER 19, 2019 |

MONEY | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 37

ISSUE 304 | Qsaltlake.com

5 ways to get a loan that’s not from a bank or loan shark

BY MIKEY ROX

Hard up

for cash but afraid you won’t qualify for a traditional bank loan? You’re not alone; not every LGBTQ person is the financial guru the media makes us seem. You can, however, get the cash you need — and quick — with these alternatives that won’t drive you years into debt.

from a life 1. Borrow insurance policy

If you’ve been paying into a life insurance policy, that money is already yours.

Certainly, it’s intended to cover the costs of your death and perhaps alleviate some of the financial strain on your loved ones and/or dependents once you’re gone, but if you need to tap into those funds while you’re still alive, it’s an option. Whatever you withdraw will be deducted from your beneficiaries’ payout, which makes them SOL upon your death, but at least you don’t have to worry so much about paying back what you’ve taken out — because, ya know, you’ll already be six feet under.

against a vehicle 2. Borrow with a clear title

A clear title on a vehicle means that there’s no financial lien against the car being sold. If it’s rightfully yours — and you need cash — borrow against it, says debt and credit expert Kevin Gallegos of the Freedom Financial Network. This tactic probably won’t work against your beat-up hoopty, so exercise solid judgment before contacting a financial institution.

your home and 3. Refinance take out cash at closing

Though a risky move and not possible for all homeowners, if you’re in dire need of a loan, you have the option of refinancing your home and taking cash out at closing to pay whatever impending fees for which you need the money. But you really, really need to know what you’re doing in this case, lest you want to be homeless shortly thereafter.

If you don’t want to refinance, you also could borrow against your home. Still risky, but less ride-or-die than refinancing.

“If you own your home and have enough equity, you may be able to take out a home equity loan or line of credit,” says Gallegos. “You can use the money for anything you’d like, including debt consolidation, and the interest you pay on the loan will be tax-deductible.”

However, using your house to pay off unsecured debt can be very risky. If you choose this route, make sure you leave yourself some financial breathing room so that if something unexpected does happen, you will not risk losing your home.

4. Secure a personal loan

“Personal loans are best for people who know it will take them longer than a year to pay off the debt,” said Gallegos.

“This is because personal loans typically charge an origination fee of 1% to 5% of the loan amount, and that must be taken into consideration when calculating overall interest savings. If the timeframe is only a year, with the origination fee, the cost is generally too high.”

Keep in mind, too, that personal loans

are not good for people who are unable to make minimum payments on current debt. If that’s the case, you should look into other help, such as debt negotiation (settlement) or credit counseling.

5. Friends and family

As a gay personal finance expert, I don’t usually recommend asking for money from friends or family — it rarely goes off without a hitch — but if you’re in a serious pickle and you’ve exhausted all other options, you may need to bite the bullet. You can negotiate a lower interest rate than you can elsewhere (probably), but that doesn’t mean that you should take advantage of someone’s goodwill.

To make this work as best as possible, set repayment terms and dates and stick to them. There are few things people hate more than lending somebody they love money and not being paid back on time.

Be a decent human being by doing right by the relative or good friend willing to help you out. Otherwise, you run the risk of ruining that relationship and a host of other consequences — like potential legal action and being branded an A-hole. Q Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has been published in more than 100 outlets across the world. He currently lives in his van, saving money and traveling the country. Connect with Mikey on Instagram @mikeyroxtravels.

‘Confessions of a Redheaded Stepchild’ available at King’s English Sixteen years ago, QSaltLake editor Michael Aaron begged his friend Scott Perry so loudly and incessantly to put his stories in this publication that Perry finally gave in.

Now, many stories later, Confessions of a Redheaded Stepchild is an honest-to-god printed book. A collection of wistful and wildly insane memories told through the eyes of an optimistic kid turned jaded curmudgeon who somehow managed to survive it all. Perry is a product of your run-of-themill, Utah family — 19 kids, four (maybe five) moms, and two(ish) dads. He grew up in an innocent time when kids drank out of garden hoses, played Little League baseball, and poisoned their classroom guppies. His was a childhood jam-packed with bikes, bullies, grandmas, and growth spurts that slowly changed into a world of travel, trysts,

Jell-o, and gin. Toss in a flying bull, a hypnotist, and two lovestruck mutts, and you’ll get a taste of a life that began in the idyllic streets of Poplar Grove. Q At King’s English Bookshop, 1511 S 1500 East.

38 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | FINAL WORD

Qsaltlake.com |

ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020

the perils of petunia pap smear

A tale of beauty rest

BY PETUNIA PAP SMEAR

The road

to a good night’s sleep is fraught with danger and excitement.

For many years, being able to get a good night’s rest has eluded me. During my college years, in the latter part of the Cretaceous Period, I remember being woken up from a deep sleep at three o’clock in the morning by my roommate who stated that the police were at the door, maintaining that the neighbors had called in a noise complaint asking that we discontinue using loud power tools.

This was my first indication that I might have a slight issue with snoring.

Being the rotundus-humungous size queen that I am, (and by that statement, I mean the shadow of my silhouette can rival that of a blue whale and has been known to cause several unscheduled eclipses of the sun apparently}, I’m prone to have breathing problems manifested by snoring vibracious enough to register on the Richter scale.

A few years later, near the middle of the Paleozoic Era, my group of friends would go on camp outs. They would go camping, and I would go “glamping.” My tent had a chandelier and Persian carpets. Every queen needs luxury, even in the woods.

The group would organize all of their tents in a nice little compact village, and they would ever so gently suggest that I pitch my tent a mile away so that they could sleep. I argued that my snoring

7pm, most third Fridays First Baptist Church, 777 S 1300 E fb.me/matronsofmayhem

would be a natural bear (the animal, not the manly man bear) deterrent. For their mutual safety and my comfort, we would eventually settle on a compromise of a 100-yard buffer zone.

Back at home, in the middle of the night, I’d find myself sitting on the edge of the bed, clearing my breathing passages, eventually falling asleep in the sitting position, and inevitably falling forward, crashing into my shelf full of breasticles.

To avoid a broken neck or getting my eye poked out, I moved a reclining chair into the bedroom and sleeping in it.

Sleeping in the chair worked for several years. However, over the course of time and the accumulation of many servings of potatoes and gravy around my waist, my girdle became ever more snugly fit and I began to re-experience difficulty sleeping again.

I would fall asleep in the chair and then wake up lying on the floor. I would climb up off the floor and back into the chair. This scenario would repeat between 10 and 15 times a night. I was seriously missing out on desperately needed beauty rest, and there is not enough Maybelline in the world to cover those dark eye circles and let my natural beauty shine through. Time to take action!

So, I went to the hospital for an overnight sleep study.

After checking in, I was escorted into a home-style bedroom and told to wear shorts and a loose open top, and that my nurse would be in shortly. So, I got changed and lay on the bed, feeling a little vulnerable and exposed. My nurse, Tom, entered the room smiling at me and Oh My God, he was beautiful! I could have sworn that Tom was in the last porno that I had seen and was the dreamboat of many a bedroom fantasy. And here I was in a bed alone with him. My mind began to plan our honeymoon in Tahiti as he began to tenderly place wires all over my chest, all the while chatting cheerily about his dog.

As he was leaning over me, I could smell his musky cologne and a hint of

manly perspiration. My head began to swirl. While he was placing probes on my forehead, I got a good long look into his eyes. Holy shit he had the biggest dreamiest bedroom eyes I have ever seen.

I couldn’t breathe and I was wide awake.

Now it was time for Tom to place probes on my legs. My heart started pounding as if to escape from behind my breasticles.

It was all I could do to not throw my legs up in the air and say, “Take me, I’m yours,” but my princess finishing school trained me not to appear too eager or it would be whore-ish.

Now that I was all wired up (not that uncommon of feeling for me due to the electric breasticles) Tom said that he would be just outside the room watching me on video. Now how in the hell am I supposed to sleep knowing that? After much tossing and turning and dreaming about Tom feeding me breakfast in bed, I must have fallen asleep.

In the morning, I awoke from my dream state gazing longingly into Tom’s eyes as he gently shook me awake. After he had removed all the wires, he told me that I have sleep apnea and that I woke up 123 times per hour to breathe. Holy crap! No wonder I was tired.

Henceforth, I must wear a C-pap breathing machine to sleep. Getting ready for bed is like suiting up for a spacewalk.

But I will tolerate this indignity for Tom. This story leaves us with several important questions: 1. Should I develop a line of glitter makeup and call it Glitter-Be-Gone Bruise Concealer?

2. Was the real reason they wanted my tent far away because they were jealous of my luxurious fashionista glamping tent?

3. Is wiring up your bed partner a sexual fetish?

4. Do my electrical breasticles count as participating in the fetish?

5. What color hanky would that be?

6. Was the reason I woke up 123 times an hour because of sleep apnea or because I was dreaming of Tom? 7. Did Tom not feed me breakfast in bed because he thought I was too fat?

These and other eternal questions will be answered in future chapters of The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear. Q

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