PASS IN REVIEW: Chilvary and the Death of Pretty

“Mom, that dress looks like it was made for you. You look fantastic.”

I don’t recall the occasion (it may have been a wedding reception); however, I will never forget the moment. I was seated at a table when my mother walked by and I made the observation. My 60-some year-old mother devolved into genuine girlish glee. Flattered, yet demure. Embarrassed, yet appreciative. In light of her reaction, for a brief moment, I saw my mother in a new light No longer was she simply a parental authority. Rather, I witnessed some aspect of the youthful woman with whom my father fell in love.

My compliment was genuine. And it won for me a more elevated level of understanding for who this woman was. We were both better for the encounter. Indeed, my mother was pretty.

In December of 2011, however, in a National Catholic Register article entitled “The Death of Pretty,” author Pat Archbold published a lament. “Pretty” was dying. According to Archbold, “(y)oung women today do not seem to aspire to pretty; they prefer to be regarded as hot ”

I cannot imagine using that term as a compliment for my mother. Lovely? Yes. Elegant? Without question. Pretty? Most definitely.

This obvious sense of what is inappropriate in one case demands that we apply the same scrutiny to all other cases. Exactly what are we communicating? What is the message? What values are we celebrating?

I find it edifying to consider Archbold’s assertion that, “Pretty is” something to be “cherished.” Furthermore, that “hotness…is a commodity…a consumable ” Given the two, “pretty inspires men’s nobler instincts.”I don’t recall the occasion (it may have been a wedding reception); however, I will never forget the moment. I was seated at a table when my mother walked by and I made the observation. My 60-some year-old mother devolved into genuine girlish glee. Flattered, yet demure. Embarrassed, yet appreciative. In light of her reaction, for a brief moment, I saw my mother in a new light No longer was she simply a parental authority. Rather, I witnessed some aspect of the youthful woman with whom my father fell in love.

While we all contribute to and have a role to play in establishing appropriate standards of discourse, in the remainder of this article I want to address the young men.

Gentlemen, being male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice. All too often I think we, at some level, associate being a gentleman with being weak or at least with watering down our masculinity. But nothing could be further from the truth. No, gentlemanliness is a choice a choice to be the master of our very nature instead of being mastered by it and doing so because it is a service to others.

Being a gentleman is not just about etiquette or manners. These things describe WHAT we do BECAUSE we are gentlemen. And they ARE important so we will talk about them. But before we talk about WHAT we do we need to explore the “why.” If we understand the “why” the specifics of “what” will make more sense.

So, is gentlemanliness about being polite? Sure. In part. Politeness is about being “polished” or “refined.” Is gentlemanliness about being considerate? Yes. Being considerate means thinking outside of ourselves in order to “consider” the wants, needs, and desires of others. Does being a gentleman involve being courteous? Definitely. And I really like this word because its etymology derives from the expected behavior in the king’s court. And this brings me to my favorite word.

Chivalry. I love the medieval concept of chivalry. And being a gentleman is about being chivalrous. The word “chivalry” comes from the French word chevalerie which means “horseman” or “knight.” In its purest form, a knight is a principled, manly protector and defender of all that is good. He acknowledges and celebrates the characteristics that make him a man, honing them to maximize his masculinity and reining them in when appropriate, at all times governed by a higher power. He is a noble, valiant, heroic, Christian servant/leader of humanity.

We (indeed, all) are called by God to embrace any situational authority in the most positive, God-centered way in order to serve. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with surrendering that dignity. It has everything to do with God-centered servant leadership — acknowledging your innate dignity and that of those around you.

I think it will help our present discussion of “gentlemanliness” and focus you in the future to append the word “servant” to any position you occupy. Servant father. Servant citizen. Servant son. Servant brother. Servant boyfriend. Servant husband.

So what does a gentleman do?

A gentleman shows appropriate respect and deference to those in authority over him.

He never interrupts, but patiently awaits his turn to speak.

A gentleman looks you in the eye and shakes your hand firmly.

He never retreats from his principles, but prefers polite conversation to confrontation.

The gentleman does not draw undue attention to himself, preferring, rather, to elevate those in his company. He accomplishes this by maintaining a good posture, avoiding being boisterous or loud, chewing with his mouth closed and keeping his elbows off the table.

A gentleman looks for opportunities to demonstrate respect for others and for the valuable institutions to which he belongs and from which he benefits. He does this by standing and removing his hat when indoors, when engaged in prayer, when reciting the pledge of allegiance, singing the national anthem or rendering honors to the flag of the United States as it passes by.

He honors others by ensuring that they are served before himself. He honors the elderly by offering his seat and assisting them when possible.

The gentleman is temperate in his speech and positive in his outlook. He calls evil by its name and is an uncompromising advocate of goodness.

Most importantly, a gentleman honors women at all times. And as any good leader might be expected to do, he inspires the best from the women with whom he interacts. He inspires modesty, chastity, dignity, honesty, piety and frugality. He extolls her virtues, acknowledges her intellect, is gentle with her failings, sensitive to her feelings, and recognizes her value to God and others.

The gentleman serves his girlfriend by holding the door for her. He displays courtesy to all women by offering them his seat. The gentleman celebrates the dignity of all women by standing when they approach a table at which he is seated or as they depart from a table at which all were seated.

When walking down the street in the company of a woman, the gentleman will station himself on the side of the woman that is closest to the street, ensuring her safety. Cognizant of his strength, the gentleman will display self-control at all times never, even under the greatest stress, surrendering to his most base passions.

A gentleman will adorn his girlfriend with flowers when taking her to the prom. And he will do so NOT to win her affection. He will do so simply because she is worthy of adornment.

Your actions and your expectations can inspire the best from all others in your life. By holding ourselves to the highest standard and practicing the art of trust, we will become trustworthy. One person at a time we can reestablish a basic philosophy of principled living and ensure the continuity of “pretty.”

Societal pressures notwithstanding, we must never lower our standards. Let nothing justify a retreat from our call to leadership. It just wouldn’t be the chivalrous thing to do.

A gentleman looks for opportunities to demonstrate respect for others and for the valuable institutions to which he belongs and from which he benefits.