Swingers

STEPHEN MERCHANT: “I used to do film reviews many years ago in Bristol and Swingers was one of them. I was completely blown away. It was authentic and funny and this scene in particular was hysterical and also captured something about my own dating anxiety, of trying too hard.”

INT. MIKE’S APARTMENT — NIGHT

Mike (Jon Favreau, who also wrote the movie) has just procured the number of a girl called Nikki (Brooke Langton). Alone in his apartment, he calls her. He is nervous.

NIKKI: Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.

The phone beeps.

MIKE: Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike. I met you at the, ah, at the Dresden tonight. I just called to say that I had a great time and you should call me tomorrow. Or, uh, in two days. Anyway, my number is 213 555 4679.

Nikki’s answering machine beeps as Mike says the final

chosen by STEPHEN MERCHANT

digit. He starts to put the phone down, then decides to redial.

NIKKI: Hi, this is Nikki, leave a message.

Another beep.

MIKE: Hi, Nikki, this is Mike again. I just called because it sounded like your machine might have cut me off when I… before I finished leaving my number. Anyway… and you know, also, um, sorry to call so late, but you were still at the Dresden when I left, so I knew I’d get your machine. Anyhow, my number’s 21…

The beep cuts him off. He redials instantly.

NIKKI: Hi, this is Nikki, leave a message.

MIKE: 213 555 4679, that’s it. Just wanna leave my number. I wouldn’t want you to think I was weird or desperate… We should just hang out and see where it goes, ’cause it’s nice and, uh, you know, no expectations, so… okay? Thanks a lot. Bye bye.

He hangs up. Puts the phone down. Exits frame. After a beat, he rushes back, grabs the phone and dials again.

NIKKI: Hi, this is Nikki, leave a message.

MIKE: I just got out of a sixyear relationship, okay? That should explain why I’m acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry. [Beat] This is Mike.

He hangs up. Toys with the cord on the phone and dials again.

NIKKI: Hi, this is Nikki, leave a message.

MIKE: [Pacing] Hi, Nikki, this is, this is Mike. Could you just, uh, call me when you get in? I’m going to be up for a while and I’d just rather speak to a person instead of trying to fit it all into…

He’s cut off again. That infernal beep.

MIKE: FUCK!

He claws at his head in exasperation. Dials again.

NIKKI: Hi, this is Nikki, leave a message.

MIKE: Uh, Nikki. Mike. This, uh… this just isn’t working out. I think you’re great, but uh, maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s what I’m going through. Alright? It’s, it’s, it’s only been six months…

The phone is picked up on the other end and a voice speaks.

NIKKI: Mike?

MIKE: Nikki! Great! Did you, did you just walk in? Or were you listening all along?

NIKKI: Don’t ever call me again. She hangs up.

MIKE: Wow! I guess you’re home.