Changes in Relationships The Impact of a Cancer Diagnosis
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
The Impact of a Cancer Diagnosis • Cancer b rin gs ch an ge, los s and u ncer t ai nt y • Fee li ng s ch ange f rom day t o day
• How you f ee l imp act s how you vi ew your se lf, t h e si tu ati on and t he r oad ahe ad
• E ve r yone r es pond s t o cancer i n i ndi vi dual way s • Al l fe el in gs are n ormal. Th ere is n o ri gh t or wrong way t o f ee l. Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Impact on Relationships • Chan ges i n rol es an d re spon s ibi li t ie s • Chan ges i n ph ysi cal ne eds : e ne rgy l evel , app et it e, sl ee p
• Chan ges i n e moti onal n ee ds : ext ra re as s urance , more p ri vacy • In cr ease d f in an cial, ch il dcare ,
s exu al s t res s • Chan ges i n f ut ur e plan ni ng
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Navigating Relationship Stress • Sel f aware ne ss : U nde rs tan din g how you fe el & wh at you ne ed . • Maki ng re qu es t s of oth er s t o s ee k s upp or t, m ee t your n ee ds . • Cons i der in g an d be in g i nt en t ion al abou t whe re t o t ur n for s up por t. • Learn in g your l imi ts & s et t in g
bou nd ar ie s. • St ren gt he ni ng s el f care t ool s for s ooth in g dis t res s i nd epe nd en tl y. Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Relationships Have a Powerful Effect on Our Health • Studi es ar e fi nd in g havin g a vari ety of re lation sh ip s may h el p red uce s tr es s an d othe r he al th rel ate d ris ks. • Phys i cal contact can tri gger r el ease of h ormone s that n ot onl y fe el gr eat bu t can have oth er b iol ogical be ne fi ts .
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Common Communication Fears: • Saying the wrong thing • Being too emotional • Not having an adequate response
• Historicall y difficult relationshi p dynamics • Feel ing unable to freely express all that you think or feel
• Complexity finding the words to articulate your experi ence
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication OBSERVATION: Th e action s I obs er ve an d are aff ectin g me . Th e action s you obs er ve that s ee m to be aff ectin g you .
FEELING: How I fe el r el ated to what I obs er ve. Wond er in g wh at you mig ht f ee l base d on what you ob se rve .
NEEDS: My ne ed s or valu es cau si ng my f ee li ng s. Wh at you migh t n ee d or valu e th at is caus i ng your f ee li ngs .
REQUEST: Th e con cre te acti on I woul d li ke take n cl earl y req ue ste d. Th e con cre te acti ons you wou l d l ike taken to en ri ch you r li fe . Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Relationships begin with the one you have with yourself. • Commu ni cat in g b egi ns by li st en in g to your se lf. • Slow down . • Ide nt ify t he wate r fall of t hou gh ts in you r min d. • Wh at are yo u fe el in g? • Do you have que st i ons ? • Wh at are yo ur obs er vat i ons ? • Have you cre at e d an y ass u mpt ion s? • Work to obs er ve and u nd ers t an d you r n ee ds and l imi ts Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Observation vs. Judgment Ju dg m e nt s c en te r o ur th oug ht s on w ho i s w hat . Wh e n obs e rva t i on s in c lu d e a n e l e me n t of ju dg me n t ou r t hi n ki n g i s p re oc cu pi e d w i t h cl a ss if yi n g a n d a n a ly zi n g : •
R i g h t v s . W r on g
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Go o d vs. Bad
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N o r m a l v s . A bn o r m a l
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R e s p o n s ib l e v s . I r r e s p on si b l e , e t c …
Ju dg m e nt i ncr e ase s d ef e nsi ve ne ss and re s is tan ce O b se r vat io ns fo cus o n w h at w e o r ot he rs ar e ne e d in g and not ge t ti n g.
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
NEEDS FULFILLED:
NEEDS NOT FULFILLED:
Amazed, Comforted, Confident
Angry, Annoyed, Concerned,
Eager, Energetic, Hopeful,
Confused, Disappointed,
Inspired, Intrigued, Joyous,
Discouraged, Distressed,
How Big is Your Feeling Dictionary? Th e more s pe ci f ic you can be
Moved, Optimistic, Proud, Embarrassed, Frustrated,
with you r fee li ng s th e be tte r Relieved, Stimulated, Thankful,
Helpless, Impatient, Irritated,
Touched, Trustful…
Lonely, Nervous, Overwhelmed Puzzled, Reluctant, Sad…
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
u nde rs tood you wi ll f ee l.
When Feelings
Lost opportunities for true connection
are Unexpressed Lead to misinterpretations or distancing
Expressing vulnerability can help deepen connections.
Distinguishing between thoughts, feelings and judgments can be tricky. Expressing feelings is a skill. Over time you become better able to identify and express the feelings you have. Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Asking For What You Need It m i gh t b e ha r d t o con si d e r as ki n g f or yo ur n e e ds t o me t b u t. . •
Un me t ne e d s ca n le a d to d e pr e ssi on , re se n t me n t, f ru stra t i on , i r ri ta t i on , i sol a t i on …
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Wh e n you r n e e ds a re me t you a re mor e l i ke l y t o be re sp on si ve a n d a l e rt to t h e n e e d s o f t ho se y ou lo ve .
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Ch e ck in g i n on wh a t o th e r ’s n e e d s ba se d on t he i r f e e li n g s i s a l so a n im po rt a n t co mm un i ca t i on s ki l l.
Wa rn i n g: Ne e d s a re NO T ta sk s or rol e s Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Feelings Help us Decode our Needs Autonomy
Meaning
Integrity
Connection
Physicality
Choice
Clarity
Creativity
Acceptance
Air
Freedom
Awareness
Meaning
Appreciation
Food
Independence
Learning
Worth
Closeness
Exercise
Space
Purpose
Authenticity
Emotional safety
Rest
Spontaneity
Harmony
Understanding
Touch
Inspiration
Honesty
Shelter
Order
Respect Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Nonviolent Communication Examples : “Ar e you fe el in g _______ be cau se you n ee d _____?
“I ’m wonde ri ng i f you ar e fe el in g_________.” “I s ee ______ and I fe el __________ b ecaus e I n ee d ________. Woul d you be wi ll in g to ______?” “I am h eari ng you s ay__________. Are you f ee li ng _________? Woul d it he lp i f I ___________?”
*Excerp ts from Nonvi ole nt Commu ni cat ion : A Langu age of Compas si on by Mar sh al l Rose nb erg , Ph D. Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Know Your Audience: The Feelers. The Doers. The Escape (Respite)
FEELING Friends
YOU DOING RESPITE Friends Julie Larson, LCSW
Friends www.julielarsonlcsw.com
But what if... There were More Truths? The first reality = MINE •
My e xp e ri e nc e n o w a n d p ri or.
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Th e re sp on se s I ex pe c t f rom ot h e rs.
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Th e be l i e fs, a ssu m pt i on s, p re di c ti on s I h av e .
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Wh a t I f e e l a n d n e e d.
The second reality = YOURS
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Perspective Taking Research s ugg es ts th at u til izin g
seve ral vi ews other than your own de mons trates hi gh le vel s of em oti onal i ntel li gen ce an d imp roves r el ati ons hi p satisfacti on. 1 . Wh o e l se ca n h e l p y ou de co de a st ra in e d mom e nt ? 2 . Wo rd Wa t ch i n g – D o you h a ve d if f e re n t d ef i n i ti on s of th e sa me w ord ? 3 . Wh a t a r e y ou s ee i n g t h a t I a m n ot ?
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Curiosity & Care • Th in k l ike a sci en ti st . Hyp oth es is . • Wh at m akes p eop le t ick? • Wh at d o I kn ow abou t th is per son ? • Wh at i s worki ng for t he m? Not workin g? • Wh at m igh t t he y b e ne ed in g? • Wh at d o t h ey wan t t o chan ge?
• How can I t ou ch t h e part of me th at has fe lt th is way f or th e pu rp ose of u nde rs tan din g to t hi s exp eri en ce for you?
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
small effort = Big Impact • Cons i der the dif fe re nce be twe en ENERGY & AT TITUDE • What i s the “s tor y you’r e te ll in g your se lf ” • Watch for j oy - s ee k it – make t im e for i t.
• Kee p things i nter esti ng – are you l ivi ng by ou td ated r ul es ? • Exp re ss g ratitu de (appr eciation ) • Conn ect wi th oth er s who have si mil ar cir cu mstance s an d re lati on sh ips Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Where it all “Springs” into Action Lead with Pr es en ce – Show up an d gi ve oth er s your f ul l atten ti on Inte ntion sh ap es th e traje ctor y of ou r
communicati on Stay ke en to th e un de rl yin g ne eds in a conve rsation – f le xib le att e nt ion
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com
In Summary: Listen to yourself. Come to understand what you Observe, Feel and Need.
Prepare yourself for important conversations. Decide who the best audience is for you today related to what you need to express. Know your emotional “hot spots”. Strategize, in advance, ways to stop, shift and stabilize Learn how to care for yourself. Reach out to good friends or a therapist to help you construct ways of communicating that feel comfortable and meaningful to you!
Julie Larson, LCSW
www.julielarsonlcsw.com