4 minute read
Make Drivers Grate Again!
Make Drivers Grate Again!
What a legend that Tango man is over in the good ol’ US of A (no, A stands for America).
Tariffs! Reciprocal tariffs? Why has it taken so long for some one to implement these necessary and swingeing changes?
If China is charging you a 67% tariff then it makes complete sense to reciprocate by charging them 34%. The lesser rate means you are still being nice, as Trumpy says, “people are saying we’are the nicest government ever” (Hmmm… Ed).
Why don’t we follow suit? Put us right on trend. Anyone who charges us an extortionate fee for something gets one back from us.
We drive the economy
Take the Congestion Charge: currently £15.00 in London if signed up to the pre-pay system - and why wouldn’t you be? Other congestion and clean air zones are available or coming to a town near you soon.
We will reciprocate by charging Transport for London a tariff of £12.50 on entering the zone. Let’s not undervalue the fact that we are bringing in important people to do business or spend in the shops, theatres and restaurants. We literally drive the economy.
Parking charges fluctuate from city to city, town to town. We will demand a percentage back depending on the type of car we drive.
For example; a Skoda Superb with magnetic taxi signs can claim back 40% of costs incurred. This car is serving the public while handily informing others of their vital service.
If, however, you park a Mercedes S500 for an hour then 80% can be claimed due to the obvious eye-candy you have brought to the delight of others less fortunate than yourself.
Blinged-up BMWs and Audis are exempt from the scheme as they didn’t indicate once while driving into town and undertook to cut in while playing hip-hop music too loud.
Stripey jumpers and masks Mercedes Benz servicing (other franchises are available) – at around £250 per hour these gangsters should be wearing a stripey jumper and a mask. Fine, charge away, because we are coming back at you with our own tariff.
For every hour spent watching you repair something covered by the warranty we will apply a £250 per hour reciprocal tariff. This is to cover lost revenue while waiting for you
to repair something that should not have gone wrong in the first place. Of course we don’t normally charge that amount per hour for doing our job but then neither should you.
More popular than Oasis tickets
After careful consideration we are more than happy to fund the new Silvertown Tunnel, amazing feat of engineering by the way, but we balk at now having to pay for the Blackwall Tunnel given it is the same pipe that opened in 1967 and has had absolutely no improvements made to it.
A tariff of £4 per visit will be levied because we are making the tunnel look more popular than Oasis tickets. Also, much like Oasis tickets, we reserve the right to price surge during busy periods.
Professional drivers can now implement a reciprocal 40% tariff against any coffee shop that charges more than £1.50 for any beverage counted as a white coffee or cup of tea. All the poncy frappy, chappy lattes are exempt due to the fact that none of us are fourteen years old so we really should know better than to order one of these.
Penguin sanctuaries
Airport drop off charges – 100% reciprocal tariff to the airport operators for delivering their clients to them.
A 20% reciprocal tariff will be made on all hairdressers and nail salons who levy a similar charge on us. Obviously, this is entirely made up but it didn’t stop President Trump imposing tariffs on the Heard and McDonald Islands, penguin sanctuaries uninhabited by humans.
These are brave measures, some say the bravest ever and we did that, that was us. A small crash in the market may have to be endured for the next three to four years, wiping billions of pounds off the portfolios of my closest friends. Friends I have kept close for over two months now, but these changes are needed.
This is our opportunity to ‘Make Drivers Grate Again’. It is going to be ‘Tariffic’ I really believe that. More tariffic than before, the best it has been.
