TCFV Magazine August/Sept

Edition No. 267 Aug-Sept 2023

The Compassionate Friends Victoria Magazine Supporting Parents, Siblings and Grandparents after a Child Dies

What A Weekend After the Final Goodbye Father’s Day – How to spend the day ideas The Mourners Bill of Rights 24 HOUR Grief Support Phone 9888 4944 - National Number 1300 064 068 Phones Staffed by Bereaved Parents, Siblings & Grandparents www.tcfv.org.au

Grieve The opportunity to mourn the deaths of our children/siblings/grandchildren - and examine our often-difficult and confusing “new normal” - in safe, non-judging environments.

Heal Through our grief work, we move towards reaching an improved place of mental, physical, and emotional functioning.

Grow While grief remains a part of our lives, we gradually identify new meaning, insight and joy in our daily living and relationships. We take the legacy of loved ones lost confidently into the future with us.

The Compassionate Friends Victoria is part of worldwide organisation, which was founded in England in 1969 and established in Victoria in 1978. It is a mutual assistance, self-help organisation offering friendship and understanding to families following the death of a child, sibling or grandchild of any age and from any cause. The primary purpose is to assist them in the rebuilding of their lives after death of their child, sibling or grandchild and to support their efforts to achieve emotional and mental health.

TCFV Staff

TCFV Membership

Alex Hamilton - CEO Administration Accounts Officer: Paul Gadsden Centre Coordinator: Jenny Galati Groups Coordinator: Andrew McNess Community Education and Communications Coordinator: Jane Moschetti Sibling Coordinator: John Brown IT: Jesse Bendel Casual: Sue Brown Casual: Di Russell The Compassionate Friends Victoria Patron: Rhonda Galbally AC

Being a member of The Compassionate Friends Victoria (TCFV) enables you to access many vital support services and attend social activities whilst demonstrating your support for a society that is aware and understands the impact of grief and bereavement following the death of a child, sibling or grandchild.

TCFV Membership is now open to both the bereaved and non-bereaved. Following an initial complimentary membership period, bereaved members have the option to remain.

• Full Member ($55 pa incl GST) or • Limited Keep In Touch Membership ($22 pa incl GST).

Associate membership is open to any non-bereaved individual or organisation who knows about our important work and wants to show their support in a meaningful way.

The non-bereaved membership levels include • Associate Individual ($55 pa incl GST) or • Associate Organisation ($110 pa incl GST).

The full details about all our different membership levels and their benefits can be found in the new Membership section of our website https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/ being-a-member-of-tcfv/.

If you have any questions about TCFV membership, please call our office on 03 9888 4034.

Board President: Kevin Purvis Vice President: Amanda Bond Secretary: Theresa Yeo Treasurer: Vincent Wai Sibling Rep: Harriet Clegg Board Member: Bruce Houghton Board Member: Claire Kuhnell Regional Member: Robyn Reeve

Front Cover: Bereaved Fathers, Bruce, Rob and Danny enjoying dinner at the 2022 Gathering 24 HOUR Grief Support– Available on Telephone 03 9888 4944 / 1300 064 068 Bereaved Drop In Centre Hours 9.30am - 4.30pm Monday to Friday Disclaimer: Unless expressly stated, the views expressed in articles, poetry etc. in this magazine are not necessarily the views of TCFV Board staff or the editorial team. The editor reserves the right to edit any contribution. Permission is given to Editors & Chapter Leaders of The Compassionate Friends to reprint material from the magazine. We request that credit be given to the author & their TCF Chapter.

2 TCFV Aug-Sept

Index 2 Board & Staff 3 Index & Notice Board 4-5 Board Report 5 Editor’s Letter 6-7 News from the Centre 8-9 Creating a legacy of love: 10-11 After the final goodbye, how do we go on?

12 What A Weekend - A Grief Reflection 13 Cook & Chat - Men Only Pub Night 13 Sibling Connections Pub Night 14 Recognising the Unrecognised: 15 Dia de los Muertos 15 Dimensions of Grief Exploring Spirituality 16-17 The Mourner’s Bill of Rights 18 Photo Love Gifts and Poems 19 From the Archives 20-21 The Brain, Grief and Music 22 What Can It Possibly Mean?

23 Margaret Brand TCFV Member – Book Launch 24-25 Bereaved Father and TCFV Member Rob Moschetti 26 When someone takes their own life 27 One of our own…

27 Father’s Day borrowing 28 On The Death of a Child 29 Father’s Day ides 30 Tcfv Member Survey 2023 31 Bereaved Grandparents Morning Tea 31 Long time Bereaved Morning Tea 32-33 Tcfv Support Groups & Social Support Groups 34 Membership Renewal 2023/2024 35 Community Noticeboard 36 Thank you Supporters

NOTICE

Contribu tio

BOARD

ns to the

nex

t magazin Articles, p e oetry, artw ork and stories ab out your c hild, siblin grandchil g or d are alw ays requir e d for every edit ion.

If you wo uld like to contribute upcoming to an magazine , please s end to Jane via m ail to: The Edito r, TCFV, PO Box 17 1, Canterbu ry, Vic, 31 26 or email to editor@tc fv.org.au Deadline for the Oc t/Nov ma gazine is 1 Septe mber 202 3

Ask My Dad How He Is My Dad he tells a lot of lies, he never did before But from now until he dies, he’ll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Dad how he is, and because he can’t explain He will tell a little lie, because he can’t describe the pain.

Ask my Dad how he is, and he’ll say “I’m alright” If that’s the truth, then tell me, why does he cry each night?

Ask my Dad how he is, he seems to cope so well He didn’t have a choice you see, nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Dad how he is, I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping” For God’s sake Dad, just tell the truth.

Just say your heart is broken.

He’ll love me all his life, I loved him all of mine.

But if you ask him how he is, he’ll lie and say he’s fine.

I am here in Heaven. I cannot hug from here.

If he lies to you, don’t listen. Hug him and hold him near.

On the day we meet again, we’ll smile, and I’ll be bold.

I’ll say “you’re lucky to get in here Dad, with all the lies you told!”

Author unknown.

TCFV Aug-Sept 3

BOARD MEMBER Report Welcome to the August/September 2023 edition of Grief Heal Grow. This magazine has accompanied me for many years, and I still have most copies since 1995.

I am grateful that I am now receiving those in digital form, saving on space in my cupboard, saving on trees and reducing printing costs for TCFV. How great to have that option.

I have the pleasure of writing my first message as a new Board Member.

So, a little about me. I joined TCVF 10 years after the loss of my eldest brother Benoît to suicide. Meeting parents and siblings who were bereaved was a relief for me as, up until then, I hadn’t met anyone who could understand my experience. Finding TCFV allowed me to work through many layers of grief, through being heard and my pain being witnessed, having a space for my brother to be remembered, through reading stories of other bereaved people, attending workshops, gatherings, and social events. Knowing that others further along the “journey” were able to live a fulfilling life despite this absolutely tragic loss gave me hope that I would be okay.

I became a volunteer with TCFV after receiving TCFV telephone counselling and group leader training and participating in a number of projects around suicide loss. Whilst completing my Bachelor of Counselling, I started co-facilitating the TCFV’s siblings support group about 10 years ago. We have a steady group attended by several regulars as well as “new” siblings. Sadly, in March 2019, I lost my last remaining brother François, aged 49, also to suicide. How unfathomable that I could be experiencing this loss again. I have learnt so much about grief and loss and trauma and try to approach my feelings with as much self-compassion as possible, getting the support I need from TCFV, but also friends, and my own counselling. Going through this reminded me of what “early grief” looked and felt like. And thus I agreed to assist Tanya, another bereaved mum and counsellor, to deliver an early bereavement program at TCFV last year.

4 TCFV Aug-Sept

I became a Board Member in October last year, and am still learning about this role and how I can contribute...

Our wonderful CEO and Board Executive and members, and our various sub committees are continuing to strengthen TCFV’s financial stability and visibility so we can reach out to as many bereaved families as possible. All this important work is done through strengthening relationships with relevant organisations, grant applications, connecting with local councils and government departments, fundraising events, membership fees reminders, improving TCFV’s online presence, and meeting with staff, group leaders, volunteers and TCFV members. There are also important upcoming Mental Health Services reforms which will guide future funding for TCFV.

A number of events are worth noting: • The End of Financial Year Appeal and our TCFV Member Survey closed on 30/6/23.

• Karen Philippzig held an afternoon tea on 25/6/23 to share stories of her recent travels to Nepal raising funds for TCFV. Donations welcome via Bag of Hearts for Bree webpage.

• Honouring the Past, Supporting the Future to commemorate Rhys Harmer’s 50th Anniversary – donations appreciated at https://www. compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/becomeinvolved/commemorating-rhys/ • Broken Hearts – Sharing Hope, a community fundraiser for TCFV sisters, mothers, grandmothers on 19/8/23.

• World Suicide Prevention Day Walk, on 10/9/23 in collaboration with Lifeline and Jesuit Social Services.

• Changes to the Sibling Support Online Chat Service hours to 8 – 11 pm daily.

Please visit our website for other events through the coming months: https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/events.

I also invite siblings to visit our TCF Victoria Siblings Connections Facebook group at https://www. facebook.com/groups/298901540171388/ and website https://siblinggrief.org.au/.

September for me is always a tender month. It will be 38th anniversary of Benoît’s death. With my parents and François now gone, I’m the only one holding his memory.

Wherever you are at in your grief, may you find the kindness, compassion, and support you need to live the best way possible with this incredible loss.

Claire Kuhnell Bereaved sister of Benoît and François.

Editors Letter Dear friends, Welcome to the August/September edition of Grieve Heal Grow. We hope you enjoy this edition dedicated to all the bereaved fathers who will be in our thoughts on Sunday 3rd September. We have several articles written by bereaved fathers as well as some helpful Father’s Day ideas on page 29.

We are always seeking articles for the magazine. If you would like to write a story, a poem or song words, or perhaps write a book review, please email them to me at editor@tcfv.org.au. If you prefer to be interviewed, that can be arranged, again, please email. Members tell me they really appreciate reading others’ grief stories and find some comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

Until next time friends, take care.

Jane Moschetti Bereaved Mother of Joseph 6.7.98 – 30.7.16.

TCFV Aug-Sept 5

News from the Centre LIBRARY REMINDER It’s wonderful that TCFV members are using our library, borrowing books to help in their journey. There are a few books that are still out at the moment, and we’d like to encourage you to return them, so that others may have the opportunity to read them.

Do you have any of these books?

- “Shattered: surviving the loss of a child” by Gary Roe - “Any ordinary day” by Leigh Sales - “Creating a new normal…after the death of a child” by Sandy Fox - “After suicide” by Sheila Clark - “Suicide: survivors” by Adina Wrobleski

THANK YOU To Christine Hamm ond for her donation of butterfl y stickers in memory of Leesa and Brett.

To Shirley Bye for her donation of cards and butte rfly stickers in memory of her son Daryl.

To Michelle Loughh ead for her donation of butterfl y stickers in memory of her son Gregory Paterson.

- “Proof of Heaven” by Eben Alexander - “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle - “Echoes of the soul” by Echo L Bodine - “My daddy’s important new job” by Scott Bennett And please feel welcome to pop in at any time to browse and borrow something that looks good.

OLD GRIEVE HEAL GROW MAGAZINES NEEDED! We are in urgent need of old Grieve Heal Grow magazines, if you have copies that you no longer need, please drop

Edition

The Com

Supporting

passion

Thank you for your help.

6 TCFV Aug-Sept

June-July

2023

ate Frie

Parents, Siblin

gs and

nds Vict oria

Magazin Grandpar e ents after a Child Dies

MAGAZINE TEAM Sue Bro wn Sto Rachel ry Dumonic ’s Book Sibling Grief Ian Zad ow Sto 4 pages ry of colo ur photos 24 HOU Phone R Grief 9888 4944 Support Phones - Natio Staffed nal Num

by Bere ber 1300 aved Paren 064 068 www.tcfv. ts, Siblings & Grandpare org.au nts

back to us at the Centre in Canterbury. edition of Newly bereaved families get sent a current pack and Grieve Heal Grow plus two old copies in their out of all unfortunately, we have now completely run our past issues.

No. 266

A big thank you to

the entire magazine team for all the artic les provided, proofreading etc. Th ank you to the magazine mailout team, Phil, Anthon y, Sandra, John B., Tr udi, John K., Rai, Linda, Margaret, an d Yvette for their help in preparing th e June/July editio n ready for posting ou t to members.

Father’s Day borrowing Maybe you’re ready for someone else’s thoughts and experiences of being a bereaved father, to help you on your travels. We have many options on our library shelves, including fat books, autobiographies, fiction books, practical books, anthologies, and skinny little things to dip into. Next time you’re at the Centre, feel welcome to browse our shelves or hunt up these particular titles.

“Taking care of yourself and your family” John Ashfield

“Grief is the thing with feathers” Max Porter “Healing a father’s grief” William H Schatz “Walking through the valley of the shadow: when a Jewish child dies” Mort Schrag “A dad’s story” Allan Stanfield-Porter “When a loved one dies: how to go on after saying goodbye” Hans Stolp

“The promise: a father’s diary of loss and love” Patrick Tessier “Bear is now asleep” William Verity “Healing a parent’s grieving heart: 100 practical ideas after your child dies” Alan D Wolfelt

“Swallowed by a snake: the gift of the masculine side of healing” Thomas R Golden “Beyond grief: coping with the loss of a loved one” John Helm “Grief and remembering: 25 Australians tell it like it is” Allan Kellehear (ed) “Jem: a father’s story” John Little “Some hearts break: all hearts need some healing” Francis Macnab “Coping with grief” Mal & Dianne McKissock “Men grieve too: stories of loss, grief and remembrance by bereaved fathers” “After goodbye: how to begin again after the death of someone you love” Ted Menten “Michael: a parent’s grief” David Morawetz

If there’s a book that you’ve found helpful at any point along the road, please feel welcome to write a short (or long!) review for us to use in a magazine. We can even purchase a copy to make available to other members.

Joanna Durst - Volunteer

“The early days of grieving: Derek Nutall

Calendar of Upcoming Events Events

Date

Location

Community Fundraiser: Broken Hearts – Sharing Hope

Sat 19 August

20 McCracken Street, Essendon

Theatre Night – “The Third Act”

Thurs 24 August

Malvern Theatre

Cook & Chat Pub Night for Bereaved Men

Fri 25 August

RSL Box Hill

Suicide Prevention Walk. It’s OK to talk about suicide, out of the shadows.

Sun 10 September

Flagstaff Gardens

Siblings Connections Pub Night

Fri 15 September

RSL Box Hill

Bereaved Grandparents Morning Tea

Wed 20 September

TCFV Centre

Theatre Night – “Absurd Person Singular”

Thurs 26 October

Malvern Theatre

Service

Date

Location

Worldwide Candle Lighting Service

Sunday 10 Dec

TBA

Volunteer Training

Date

Location

Online Component of Group Leader Training

Wed Aug23, Aug 30, Sep 6 & Sep 20, 7pm-9pm

Zoom

Please check the TCFV website closer to the time to see specific dates and arrangements.

To attend please book online at www.tcfv.org.au or call the Centre on (03) 9888 4034.

TCFV Aug-Sept 7

Creating a legacy of love: Wishkeeper’s journey and the power of sharing End-of-Life wishes As I write this article, it is my Mum’s birthday. Mum

not talking about death and dying early on, from not

would have been 88 today had she not passed in

acknowledging the role it plays in all our lives. By

January of 2013 at the age of 77. It was a terribly

understanding it, discussing it, and sharing our wishes

difficult time for our family. I always imagined Mum

with our loved ones, we can be better equipped to

would grow old, well into her 90s. As a child, I couldn’t

face it when it inevitably comes.

bear the thought of a life without her. Life had other ideas, though and when I was 41, I had to face the reality that the rest of my life was to be without my Mum. Now at age 51, it’s no easier.

We set about our Wishkeeper journey in 2018. And a journey it has been. At no point did we ever consider giving up on bringing Wishkeeper to life, even though it threw so many challenges at us, both technically and

Losing Mum gave me an understanding of grief, its

emotionally. We were driven by our mission to create

heaviness in our life. At the time of Mum’s death, I

this resource for Australian families in memory of Daryl

experienced my first panic attack having become so

and in memory of my Mum, Barbara.

overwhelmed by her loss. Having never spoken about death and dying, I now found myself grappling with having to farewell Mum and organise her funeral while having no idea what her final wishes were. This left an additional void deep within me that remains today.

For my life and business partner David, grief and trauma knocked on his door in March 1991. David’s brother Daryl was spending a night with friends, as they did so many times, like other 19-year-olds, laughing, chatting, creating memories with mates.

But this one night, Daryl would not return home to his family. A tragic road accident took Daryl’s young life, along with his three mates in the car. David and his family were forever altered and changed profoundly in coming to terms with losing a son and a brother.

David’s Mum managed to find The Compassionate Friends Victoria following the death of Daryl. She speaks fondly of the support she received and a deep sense of gratitude for having been able to meet with other parents who had lost a child due to road trauma.

These life experiences for David and I have brought

None of us can know each other’s grief; for everyone, it is different. Some days the heaviness is suffocating.

On other days we may see a sign, and we feel our loved one close, filling our hearts with love.

Since Wishkeeper’s inception, we have developed a service that provides 48 individual sub-categories across two life rooms, ‘While I’m Here’ and ‘When I’m Gone’. It’s grown into a beautifully designed platform that helps you create and share instructions, life stories, vital documents, and end-of-life wishes.

You can share each piece of information with your nominated loved ones (your Ambassadors) when you want, how much you want and even when you’re no longer here.

If you decide to use Wishkeeper to build your own beautiful resource for your family and loved ones, we hope the sanctuary you create within Wishkeeper brings you peace, brings you gratitude, and brings you connectedness with those you love.

Much Love,

us to this moment. We created Wishkeeper because

Cheryl Lardner

we both know the added anguish that can come from

Wishkeeper Co-founder

8 TCFV Aug-Sept

Thank y ou to Ch eryl for takin g part in Run Melbou rne and raising over $1 ,000 for TCFV! Head to www.w ishkeep er.com. au to le arn mor e.

TCFV Aug-Sept 9

After the final goodbye, how do we go on?

Warwick Mc Fadyen

There is a horizon in everyone’s lives. We carry its distance from the moment of our birth, and on reaching it can no longer describe it. This is journey’s end. The final goodbye.

The Weight

Those left behind are left to describe the landscape of grief and of the life and death that led to that point.

For many it is unfamiliar, and uncomfortable. Some fall to silence, some to distraction, some to creation.

Some try to make sense of death’s grasp, others merely to seek solace. Of all the creatures, we mortals are the only ones who can raise our emotions into an articulation of pain and love.

You hold them close to your chest,

We are, despite everything, social animals, and what binds us are words. Language is the bridge from one soul to cross to another.

In the darkness of grief, how to reach into your heart and mind and extract the right words to define yourself in lamentation? Will your words be received in the same form as when they left you?

You have no control over it. You just hope you can sculpt a recognisable shape. But writing and speaking of loss is not a test. It is elemental to being human and some tap into a well, others reside in silence.

This, too, is elemental to being human. Sometimes, no words speak volumes. After the death of my son three years ago, some friends greeted me with a wordless embrace. It was enough. I knew what they were trying to say; that grief is inexpressible, that coming up against the horizon of nothingness is beyond words.

And yet, for three years words have washed up onto the shore. Several weeks ago, a mother who had lost her son emailed me asking if she could use some of my words as part of a memorial to her son. Of course, I replied. A little while later she emailed me back a photograph of the mural. This is the resonance of what it means to be human. We are, despite everything, not alone.

There has been no plan, no dotted main points to the words; just a tidal surge, of giving voice to thoughts in prose and poems. This is the latest, written only a couple of weeks ago: 10 TCFV Aug-Sept

Who knew that ashes would weigh the same In your arms as when you held him as a baby

your heart breaking, this is not something you were expecting, to be sent back 20 years/ to the cradling of love, small soft body against yours now an emptiness of sky heavy on your breast.

Each breath is a word, spoken or unsaid, But what can you say as you place him In a snug shovel-dug hole in the earth But keep warm, my beautiful boy.

We brush the plaque now sitting over him With our fingers- a kiss goodbye of love.

We take a small jar of him home with us.

We have his smile, we say in tear-mist breath.

That night a little rain falls and I think of him Alone in the damp earth. You are not alone I say.

You are not alone.

“Grief” entered the language, and thus people’s lives and deaths, in the early 13th century, the word “bereave”, meaning to rob, from about 900.

Dictionaries point to grief meaning “hardship, suffering, pain, bodily affliction”, deriving from the Latin “gravare”, meaning make heavy.

Sculpting grief into sentences is both blessing and hardship, for it is a construction of resemblance and love that is built on tears.

Poet Rainer Maria Rilke saw death and grief as more blessing.

In a letter to Adelheid von der Marwitz in 1919, he

Perhaps the final words should go to Shakespeare,

wrote: “Death, especially the most completely felt and

who in a wildly different context to our ordinary lives in

experienced death, has never remained an obstacle

Macbeth has Malcolm say to Macduff after the latter

to life for a surviving individual, because its innermost

learns his family has been slaughtered, “Give sorrow

essence is not contrary to us (as one may occasionally

words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-

surmise), but it is more knowing about life than we are

fraught heart, and bids it break.”

in our most vital moments. I always think that such a great weight with its tremendous pressure somehow has the task of forcing us into a deeper, more intimate

Warwick McFadyen’s The Ocean: A meditation, in prose and poetry, on grief is available at online bookstores.

layer of life so that we may grow out of it all the more

Article originally published in the Sunday Age March

vibrant and fertile.”

19, 2023.

Rilke, of course, never met Kerry Packer, who in recounting when he had been clinically dead for a few seconds, said, “I’ve been on the other side and let me tell you son, there’s f---ing nothing there.”

TCFV Aug-Sept 11

What A Weekend - A Grief Reflection In the midst of otherwise completely normal weekend

a significant part of a book Nick Cave wrote around the

activities – breakfast with a good friend, a game of

experience of living with grief. The article also pointed

bowls, a bike ride and some cricket and footy on the

towards his website, where a section called The Red

TV - came two quite remarkable moments.

Hand Files invites people to write to him with their

One was the viewing of a film called “The Unlikely

questions or observations.

Pilgrimage of Harold Fry”, which is based on a book I

As with the Harold Fry movie, engaging in these

had read some years ago. It is a powerful, quirky story

places where grief is explored with authenticity and

about a man who has spent a significant part of his life

powerful emotion is both a challenging and rewarding

living with the suicide death of his son. For those of us

experience.

who are bereaved by suicide, or in any way, it is a film to watch with some care. Captured in flashbacks that come during his unlikely pilgrimage to visit a dying old friend, the emotional content of Harold’s response to his son’s suicide felt very authentic.

He reflects on the fractured relationship with his son and on the impact that the suicide has on his relationship with his wife. He looks back on his life and on the grief-driven anguish he lived through, which resulted in some actions that severely impacted the life of his old friend who is now dying. His pilgrimage to

I wrote in the Red Hand Files a contribution which thanked Nick Cave for the platform he has created for grief to be explored and understood, mentioning that this is exactly what the core business of The Compassionate Friends is about.

I feel both slightly sobered and slightly stimulated by this weekends’ serendipitous encounters with my grief journey. It is the work of a lifetime dealing with grief and I welcome the opportunities that are out there to engage, to be helped, to grieve, heal and grow.

reconnect with this old friend is the landscape in which

Kevin Purvis ~ President – TCFV

he finally processes some of his own grief, which he

Bereaved father of Stephen, 15

and his wife had buried under the coping mechanisms of routine and isolation. It is a film well worth viewing, but it’s helpful to understand the themes it contains as well as the opportunities it might give.

Returning home from seeing the film, the second remarkable incident of the weekend happened. In the magazine that comes with The Australian newspaper on a Saturday is an interview with Tiffany Barton. She tells about the death by overdose of her son Cosmo, who she describes as a gifted musician and fragile young man with a fatal weakness. Following his death and in search of support for her living grief, she made contact with musician Nick Cave, also a bereaved parent who has lost two sons. A poem of hers became

12 TCFV Aug-Sept

Photo: Kevin Purvis, with wife Jenny

TCFV Aug-Sept 13

RECOGNISING THE UNRECOGNISED: A Step-parent’s Grief The following is a reprint of a step-parent’s reflections

When you love a child, your own or your stepchild,

on the weight of their grief. Step-parents’ grief,

it makes no difference: “love is love” no matter how

amongst other forms of grief, runs the risk of being

you look at it. You have helped raise this child, you

under-recognised…

have loved them, you love their uniqueness, their

It was a beautiful summer’s morning, 15th January 2010. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just finished a counselling session (my profession) at 10:45am. As I walked to my car in the warm sunshine, I thought what a magnificent day it is, one that truly warms your heart.

Light FM radio was on in my car and the 11am news came on, as I drove to my next session, when I heard, “A young man in his 30’s has fallen from a building site in South Melbourne, and he has died at the scene.” My first thought was “How can that happen?” with all these Worksafe protocols in place, to make workers safe at work. My second thought followed very quickly:

personality, their gentle kind spirit, or that cheeky grin. Being a stepparent doesn’t exclude you from the pain of losing someone you loved, the overwhelming grief is real, the loss cuts so deep. And the ache in your heart that never goes away, the tears flow and continue to flow…

We were angry and yet so sad too, to learn that it was through negligence that Brent lost his life that day.

Now, just over 2 years later, the court case is being heard. But there has not been a coroner’s inquest for us as yet. It’s like a nightmare of legal jargon you really can’t take in, that is, however, necessary to bring some sort of closure for all the family.

“What about his poor family…they will get the worst

We often speak Brent’s name and remember things

phone call they will ever get today.”

he did or said. We celebrate his life each birthday, and

Little did I know that I would receive that phone call.

I fell to my knees and screamed in pain, as the words were spoken. Oh! No, Oh! No, I kept screaming…How

we travel to his favourite place on the Murray River, Tocumwal, each 15th January to send him our love: “He knows we are there”.

could this be happening, when only minutes before

You never get over losing a child, you just learn to live

I was at peace with the world. God, I thought, where

life the best way you can.

are you in all this? Our world as we knew it had just been turned upside down and changed forever. And I was not fine with it, I was devastated, he’s my beautiful

My faith has carried me when I couldn’t take another step.

stepson, I cried…

Blessings to all those who grieve.

My stepson, Brent Cristopher Bennett aged 37 was

Rhonda Kay Bennett, loving Step Mother of Brent.

gone, suddenly, a young life cut so short in one terrible instant. My heart broke, it shattered, broken also because my ex-husband is my best friend, and he has just lost his son… And there are Brent’s 3 children; their father has been tragically taken from them also.

How can I help Terry get through this trauma? I thought I was used to trauma in my job as a trauma counsellor…. But no, this is way bigger than me… how can I get through this??

14 TCFV Aug-Sept

TCFV Aug-Sept 15

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some

There is no rule book, No time frame, No judgement.

people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you. The following list is intended to empower you to heal and decide how others can and cannot help. It is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help but rather to assist you in distinguishing helpful responses from hurtful ones.

1.

Grief is as individual as a fingerprint.

Do what is right for your soul.

You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2.

You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3.

You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4.

You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you.

Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

16 TCFV Aug-Sept

5.

You have the right to experience “grief bursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6.

You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8.

You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9.

You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10.

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.

Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

From: https://healgrief.org/the-mourners-bill-of-rights/

TCFV Aug-Sept 17

en 24 Brianna Eve Lowd .5 hter and only child My beautiful daug you and I have missed years without you u ent and will miss yo every waking mom . are together again until the day that we

Heather Therese Zammit 28.08.1987 – 16.07.1998 25 long years without your beautiful smile, hugs & jokes.

Memories we treasure. Never forgotten, your name is spoken often.

Happy 36th Heavenly Birthday.

Love Always Mum,*, Rebecca, Andrew & family

Photo Love Gifts

Photo Love Gift messages can be made on the back-cover leaf that comes with the magazine or by filling in the form on the TCFV website at: www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/ become-involved/photo-love-gifts/ Please limit your Photo Love Gift message to no more than 30 words, counting the date as one word. Photo Love Gifts can be included in the magazine for a donation of $30.00. Please email the photo you would like to include to

Missing you

editor@tcfv.org.au

I just can’t believe it… sets, The sun still rises and ll shine, The moon and stars sti , the birds still sing The flowers still bloom in everything.

I expected a change I just can’t believe it… ht, It still gets dark and lig ves, The ocean still has wa wind still blows.

The rain still rains, the not know?

Is it because they do I just can’t believe it… uld stop I thought the world wo nd When in my house I fou ing smile An empty chair, a miss p, for just a while.

I thought it would sto I just can’t believe it… a, Washington)

kim Gretta Viney (TCF, Ya

18 TCFV Aug-Sept

And if I go

, while yo u’re still h ere Know tha t I live on , Vibrating to a differe nt measu re Behind a thin veil y ou canno t See throu gh.

You will n ot see me , So you m ust have faith.

I wait for the time w hen We can s oar togeth er again, Both awa re of each other.

Until then , live your life to its fullest And when you need me, Just whis per my na me in you r heart, I will be th ere. ~ Emily D ickinson

From the Archives

r that you don’t n you feel bette Don’t tell us whe eds you! If ore, for TCFV ne need TCFV anym at our next FV then someone you don’t need TC n friendship need you. Your ow meeting may just ft you can give to ing is the best gi and understand parent. another bereaved 0 81 newsletter, #2 , in the August 19 er rm Ha y sa nd Li -

We have just been informed tha t we have been given a grant of $14,000 from the [Victorian] Minister of Health “to assist volu ntary organisations working in the mental health field ”.

- from the January 1982 newslet

ter

Future gatherings we have in mind for next year also are: Men’s Only Night; Parents of children who have suicided; older parents who have lost an adult child; grandparents who are mourning the loss of a

We were deeply disap

pointed this month to learn that our applica tion for funding from the Dept of Community W elfare has been refus ed, even though we were classified as being eligible and worthy of funding. Donations an d subscriptions to our ne wsletter are therefore very much appreciated and are necessary for our continuing work.

- from the April 1981 ne wsletter

en the day will come wh As we grow in numbers to create a National body it will be necessary to l s, but until that day, fee co-ordinate all chapter s and in Melbourne your joy free to share with us and e always give support difficulties, and pleas and ur chapter committee encouragement to yo s do need your kindnes chapter leaders. They rk tude for doing the wo and concern and grati

dearly loved grandchild.

that they do so well.

- Newsletter #27, Oct-Nov 1982

- Newsletter #32, Aug/

Sep 1983

TCFV Aug-Sept 19

The Brain, Grief and Music One discussion that has emerged across some support groups recently is the comfort people find in music. In some cases, it is the comfort and engagement they find in a singing group or an instrumental group. Other times, it is the value of listening to music. In this regard, we thought we’d share a piece from the excellent site What’s Your Grief? about the value of music. With input from interested people, perhaps TCFV might have its own singing group in time.

Listening to music may not sound like much of a

make better decisions, boost energy, and reduce

coping skill, but music is a wondrous thing when

stress. Don’t believe me? Researchers at Stanford

applied properly. We wrote a post way-back-when

University, University of Miami, Mayo Clinic, and

about creating music playlists, inspired by the

Harvard University all agree. When our mood is

book Love is a Mixtape. But what we haven’t really

improved it has a cascade effect in our brains that

explained is just WHY music can be so helpful. So

improve many other areas and there is a slew of

today we’re tackling the connections between the

research that backs that up.

brain, grief, and music.

In one study, researchers found that after listening to

As you may remember from our posts

happy music, people who were shown a neutral face

about comfort eating and alcohol and your brain, we

would interpret it as happy (the reverse was true too

have a pleasure centre in our brain where all sorts of

- sad music resulted in people interpreting a neutral

neurotransmitters make us feel really good when we

face as sad). You may wonder why people would want

do certain things. Sometimes we resort to negative

to listen to sad music if it makes us feel sad or see the

coping to stimulate that pleasure centre - things like

world as a sad place. But it is clear from the hundreds

sugary and fattening foods, drinking alcohol, comfort

of sad songs out there that people don’t always listen

shopping, and gambling.

to happy music. This study determined that when we

But it turns out music is connected to the pleasure centre of our brain too. I could explain it, but why increase my carpal tunnel risk by typing when you could just check out this great 2-minute video? https://youtu.be/SePL2w5f6dE Interesting, right? This is why music can be such a great coping tool; it allows us to release feel-good neurotransmitters without resorting to wine and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

listen to music, we can perceive the emotions in a song, but then also derive pleasure from appreciating the music itself. In this way, we can actually enjoy sad songs. Not to mention that I believe sad songs make us feel less alone.

Though it involves a lot more motivation and sweat than music, another way to boost mood is exercise.

For those of us who prefer the couch, music can be a great motivator for exercise and help us work out longer and harder. This research study (https://

In addition to music causing pleasure and improving

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22828457/) demonstrates

mood, there is research that shows certain types of

that music can increase stamina and help people

music can even help with memory and concentration,

push through exhaustion when exercising. And this

something that feels almost impossible while

study (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19325186/)

we’re grieving. It can help us work more efficiently,

showed that we exercise more efficiently when we

20 TCFV Aug-Sept

exercise to the tempo of the music. In case you still

pleasurable to bring humans together through a

aren’t feeling motivated, Fitness magazine claims this

shared enjoyable experience. And though we are the

is the best workout song (https://youtu.be/Lo2qQmj0_

one primate that can rock out to a beat, we are not the

h4) of all time (with no specific research to back up

only animal that can: https://youtu.be/cJOZp2ZftCw

that claim, but hey, not everything can be evidencebased!).

When it comes to stress, anxiety, and relaxation there have been multiple studies showing that music can

When it comes to music, my skills end at pressing

reduce people’s subjective experiences of stress and

play on my iPod. But for those who are more musically

anxiety, as well as reduce physical symptoms like high

inclined, the value of music is not just in listening to

blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol rates. One

music, but also in creating music. A small study done

study showed a significant decrease in anxiety and

in 2012 demonstrated that songwriting as part of

hypertension in patients who listened to music before

grief therapy improved grief processing scores in 12

going into surgery. Another study found a similar

to 18-year-olds. Playing music has its own benefits

reduction in cortisol levels among surgical patients

for the brain, including significant impact on the

exposed to relaxing music.

developing brain.

So, get going on some playlists - one to boost your

Though most things that trigger the pleasure centre

mood, one to reduce stress, one to pump you up

in the brain have a clear evolutionary purpose (we

when you work out, and one for the days that you just

love sugary, fattening foods because they helped

want to listen to sad music and enjoy it.

us survive, we love sex because it is important to procreate as a species), music is less obvious. There is still debate as to just why we evolved to have such

Based on the webpage by Litsa Williams: https://

a connection to music. Human beings are the only

whatsyourgrief.com/brain-grief-and-music/

primates that can move to the beat of the music, and some speculate that evolutionarily, music became

TCFV Aug-Sept 21

What Can It Possibly Mean?

Our 20-year-old son, Alex, was killed in a motorcycle

can return to what is

crash eight years ago. Like everyone following the

now our normal. So,

death of their children we found the news of his death

what meaning does

to be horrifically unbelievable. We denied it - we

our life have?

argued with this obscene fact. We asked ourselves those countless “why” questions; we constructed endless chains of “if only” scenarios which would have had a different result. We could almost convince ourselves that he couldn’t possibly be dead. Except that he is.

I once read somewhere that the purpose of life is laughter, and the love of friends and family. I

interpret that

to mean that the meaning of your life is in the way

Finally, we came to accept the dreadful truth that he is

you live it. Stephen Covey noted the importance of

dead and will still be dead for every day for the rest of

the four Ls - to live, love, laugh, and leave a legacy.

our lives.

In other words, to live life fully and enthusiastically, to

The “why” questions remain unanswered. For some people, belief in a compassionate creator answers it and provides hope for a future beyond death. But

love and be loved, laughter is essential to life and, at the end of the day, to leave the world slightly better for your having lived in it.

many bereaved parents, perhaps most, must attempt

So that is what my life ‘after Alex’ now means to me.

to find understanding of their child’s death within

The bleak times contrast with the richness and joy of

themselves.

other times, and they teach us that we can carry on,

They must try to identify a meaning in their own lives, while carrying the damage and emptiness the death of a child leaves.

that we do have the resources to “run on empty” for a while. Life is like a wine glass - it can be either half full or half empty, it all depends on how you look at it.

You can’t change the circumstances of your life, but

Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl teaches that the key to living a

you are free to choose the attitude you take to it. And I

“happy” life, one free of psychosis, is to invest what you

can now laugh again.

do with meaning; to put your life into a context which makes it meaningful and purposeful to you. We find this difficult. Eight years and one grandchild after Alex’s death, our lives are busy, interesting, and fulfilling.

However, I would so much rather have learned this lesson some other way and have been able to share it with Alex.

But from time to time, we are stricken by the over­whelming sadness, the helplessness, the hopelessness. Then we just try to carry on automatically, waiting until the despair passes and we

Books in our library that might be useful:

22 TCFV Aug-Sept

By Bereaved (Dec.) Father Dennis Long (2004), TCFV

“Life after the death of my son: what I’m learning” by Dennis L Apple “Finding meaning: the sixth stage of grief” by David Kessler

Margaret Brand TCFV Member –

Book Launch Margaret’s book is being published on Friday 21 July 2023 by Austin Macauley Publishers.

A brief synopsis.

I awoke one morning to discover that my twenty-two-year-old son, Marcus, had died in his sleep. I couldn’t resuscitate his lifeless body. My story weaves through grief, and the unusual and unexplainable happenings that were occurring. There were no answers for his death, nor could the pathologist provide one. It was during my search for an answer that I was told about mediumship, which went against my beliefs at the time as I had been raised in, and ‘withdrawn’ from, the Plymouth Brethren Christian Church. Then, with desperation and an inner belief that I would somehow find my son, I successfully sought the help of The Compassionate Friends Victoria, to identify a spiritualist medium. The validations and revelations passed on to me over a series of personal sittings in Victoria and Tasmania were truly amazing and helped to heal my broken heart.

I felt compelled to write my memoir for those grieving the death of a loved one, and for those who are terminally ill.

Margaret has kindly donated a copy of her book to the TCFV library.

Congratulations Margaret on the publishing of your book.

TCFV Aug-Sept 23

Bereaved Father and TCFV Member Rob Moschetti Extract of speech from the 2023 Gala Good evening, everyone. My name is Rob Moschetti.

Before I commence my story, I would like to pay tribute to those who are NOT bereaved, but have still come along tonight, showing your support and having empathy for others is what we need more of - people like you are gold. We thank you.

Thank you also to Theresa Yeo (our ex-acting CEO), for giving me this opportunity to talk about my son Joseph.

I take every opportunity possible to talk about him. Yes, that may sound self-indulgent, however I’m sure the bereaved people in the audience tonight understand how much it means to us to speak and hear our loved one’s name.

My wife Jane and I have 3 children, Joseph, Harry, and Millicent.

Joseph turned 18 years of age on 6th July 2016, and 3 weeks later on 30th July, Jane opened a bedroom door, and our lives were changed forever. Joseph had died in his sleep.

Two years of investigations and numerous tests for Jane and me as well as our other 2 children, found no answers. Joe’s death certificate has unexplained next to cause of death.

Joseph was a beautiful boy. He was known for a mighty handshake, an incredible appetite, and the most amazing memory.

One night after seeing our beloved Tigers at the MCG, we were walking back to the car when Joe said, “Dad did you see that kid in the toilets? He had a Richmond jumper with number 9 on the back.” “No Joe I didn’t,” and then with an (I can’t believe you didn’t see him look) he said, “Remember he was the player from Chirnside Park, he wore number 27 and kicked 2 goals in the second quarter when we played them 3 years ago and won by 7 points.” I was speechless.

24 TCFV Aug-Sept

His love of food was legendary, from a toddler stealing other people’s milk shakes at McDonalds to finishing off everyone’s food at parties. Everyone knew to ask Joe if he wanted to eat whatever was left. Jane was horrified once when doing some banking for him she realised he had spent close to a $1,000 in one month on junk food. He would spend at the petrol station near school at recess and lunch and then have Hungry Jacks on his way home. He’d even started to call into the Burvale on the way home from his work experience for a quick chicken schnitzel and chips and still make it through his dinner and the usual leftovers at home.

Joe made friends with everyone. One of his best friends from high school, Samuel, tells the story, about when he immigrated from China at the start of Year 7, rolling up to his first day of school barely being able to speak English, wearing shorts, socks & sandals and feeling out of place. The first person who went to Samuel that day and shook his hand was Joseph.

Samuel tells us this story often as it still means so much to him.

On that fateful day in 2016, someone from the Emergency Services left a card on the coffee table, which told of an organisation called The Compassionate Friends Victoria. So, three weeks after losing Joe we stumbled through the door at Canterbury and were met by a wonderful man by the name of Andrew McNess. After spending time with Andrew, we finally felt that how we were feeling was normal, given our loss.

We attended our first support group meeting 6 weeks after losing Joseph. I vividly remember driving there feeling physically ill and very nervous, with part of me not wanting to go. However, it was incredibly powerful:

people felt just as we did, and we could talk to them about Joe and share our grief with people who truly understood us.

Last October, 6 years after losing Joe, I was at the supermarket, and I saw 2 former friends. I didn’t call out to them but was only 2 or 3 metres from them.

Not knowing that I had seen them, I saw one tap the other on the arm and begin pointing towards me, they made me feel like an animal in the zoo, something to be pointed at as if to say, “Look the bloke that lost his son is over there.” I felt completely humiliated, and incredibly sad and isolated. That event still knocks me today whenever I think about it. They would have no idea the impact that had on me.

Unfortunately, as many of us here tonight know, these events are far from uncommon. Many of us share stories of family and friends who do not show support or compassion to us in our grief. TCFV members say

This is a truly amazing organisation. It’s a community no one wants to belong to but thank goodness it exists, as we know the grief after such a loss never leaves you. Peer support is so powerful as there are so few in the wider community who know what it is to walk in our shoes. The number of services TCFV provides is fabulous, from support groups to lunches, dinners, memorial events and social functions, the list is endless. There is a service or event that is suitable for every member to help them in their grief.

Like so many other members, we have met people here who, I have no doubt, will be lifelong friends: we meet for meals, talk for hours, the conversations being deep and meaningful, we laugh, we cry and speak our children’s names.

We shall not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends!

constantly that TCFV saved their lives or kept them going.

TCFV Aug-Sept 25

When someone takes their own life

In many ways, this seems the most tragic form of death.

Certainly, it can entail more shock and grief for those_ who are left behind ·than- any other. And ·often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind.

Suicide is often judged to be essentially a selfish act.

Perhaps it is. But the Bible warns us· not to judge if we ourselves hope to escape judgement. And I believe· this is one area where that Biblical command especially should be heeded. For how do we know how many valiant battles such a person may have fought and won - before he loses that one particular battle? And is it fair that all the good acts and impulses of such a person should be blotted out by his final tragic act?

I think our reaction should be one of love and compassion, not condemnation. Perhaps the person was not thinking clearly in those final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at _all. This is terribly sad.

But surely it is understandable. All of us have moments when we lose control of ourselves, flashes of temper, of irritation, of selfishness that we later regret. Each of us, probably, has a final breaking point - or would if our faith did not sustain us. Life puts far more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others. When I see in the-paper, as I do all too often, that dark despair has rolled over some lonely soul, so much so that for him life seemed unendurable, my reaction is not of condemnation. It is rather, “there but for the grace of God…” And my heart goes out to those who are left behind because I know that they suffer terribly. Children, in particular, are left under a cloud of differentness all the more terrifying because it can never be fully explained or lifted. The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt: “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do that was wrong?” To such grieving persons I can only say, “Lift up your heads and your hearts - surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he _could. Remember, now, that his battles and torment are over. Do not judge him and do

26 TCFV Aug-Sept

not presume. to fathom the mind of God - where this one of his children is concerned”.

A few years ago when a young man. died by his own hand, a service was conducted by his pastor, the Reverend Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses, far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey. Here are some of his words: “Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his- courage and his strength. At last, these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won! ‘’For one thing - he has won our admiration - because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he has used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall. remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindness and thoughtfulness, through his love for his family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honourable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, ·but the intensity with which he lived the years. that he had.”

Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know -and understands.

Norman Vincent Peale

One of our own…

Back in August of 2022, SBS put out a call for submissions to their third emerging writers’ competition. Hope Sneddon, a TCFV member, whose brother died in December of 2021, wrote a short story about this tragic event in her life, and her account will be published in the upcoming anthology. The story is called “Sibling” and Hope has these words to introduce you to the writing.

“The opening line of my story is: “Even before my brother died on Christmas morning, I hated the question How many siblings do you have?”

After my brother died, I remembered a poem called Epitaph by Merrit Malloy. The opening stanza is: When I die Give what’s left of me away To children And old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry, Cry for your brother Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me, Put your arms Around anyone And give them What you need to give to me.

After reading that poem, I knew what I needed to do was give my love for my brother away to anyone and everyone who needed it. I knew I had to write about our story and time together. I wasn’t able to give Keith a eulogy because we couldn’t have a funeral. So this story about my brother, our life, and ultimately what we meant to each other, became a kind of way I could honour his memory.”

If you would like to pre-order the SBS collection of short stories, use this link: https://www. booksdirect.com.au/emergence-the-30best-new-voices-with-powerful-must-readstories/sbs-emerging-writers-competition/ book_9781743799963.htm TCFV Aug-Sept 27

On The Death of a Child “It is the history of our kindness that alone makes this world tolerable. If it were not for that, for the effect of kind words, kind looks, kind letters.... I should be inclined to think our life a practical jest in the worst possible spirit.” Robert Louis Stevenson.

The sudden, tragic death of a child is particularly hard to bear. In such times some people don’t know what to say or do to help those suffering profound loss in these circumstances. The first thing is to let the bereaved family and friends know you care and are thinking of them as they struggle to cope with this huge pain in their lives, with the death of their precious child and friend.

Words matter and help a lot. And it doesn’t have to be deeply meaningful, religious or spiritual. Just avoid platitudes and use simple words to express your deep sorrow, sympathy and empathy at their loss are all that’s needed. Delivered in person or in cards, letters or phone calls, or flowers with a card or note. Sometimes the family will want to be alone, so pass on these offerings through other family or friends. As well offers to be available to talk, to listen, to give a hug, or a shoulder to cry on are wonderful assistance or offers to help in any other way you can. A cake, biscuits, pie or other food are a very valuable help as well, as the family in between struggling with a torrent of emotions, helping each other and organizing things will find it difficult to think about making meals for themselves and their visitors. The most important thing is to say or do something rather than doing nothing or avoiding the subject or the family.

Remember, this loss is not something they will ever get over, it will take the family a long time to pick up the pieces of their life again and they will need friends and family to be there to support them over the long term.

Birthdays and other important dates will be very tough. They will over time have bad days, better days and some good days, but they won’t forget. Hopefully in time the good days will increase, but because someone seems okay on a particular day, it doesn’t mean they are okay. Please don’t expect the family to get over it or heal or improve in a few months or years, as they won’t. Because we want to feel better and want them to feel better, don’t try to make the family get over their grief and move on. In time many people may drift off and get on with their lives. For the family getting back on with their lives won’t be easy. So, it’s important for other family and friends to be there for the bereaved family and close friends in the future.

“All things change; nothing perishes.” Ovid.

By Bereaved Father Steven Katsineris, May 2012 Father of Chione (6).

28 TCFV Aug-Sept

AY D S ’ FATHER 25 ideas on things to do on the day This year Father’s Day falls on Sunday 3rd September. Here at TCFV we understand how difficult these “special” type of days can be.

Below is a list of just a few ideas you may like to consider doing in your child’s honour.

1. Plant a flower or a tree (look up the meaning of trees and flowers and find something meaningful to you).

2. Name a star after your child.

3. Donate to a charity in their name.

4. Do a random act of kindness (and ask others to do the same).

5. Spend time with caring family or friends and share stories about your child.

6. Create a dedicated space in your home and display photos and items.

7. Create a quilt, blanket, or cushion from their clothing.

8. Get a tattoo, with their name, dates, or something meaningful to you and to them.

14. Create a blog, FB page or other media dedicated to your child.

15. Create a memory box.

16. Create a collage from the sympathy cards you received.

17. Make a playlist of all the music they enjoyed.

18. Cook dishes they enjoyed.

19. Finish off something they may have started, such as a piece of art or a community project.

20. Visit a place they loved.

21. For those who have their child’s ashes you may wish to turn them into a specially transformed permanent keepsake, such as jewels, a vase, tattoo ink, a paperweight. They can even be turned into diamonds.

9. Order a custom hand-drawn portrait that includes your whole family, including the child gone too soon.

22. Create a Time Capsule of their photos, clothes, drawings, newspapers etc. and bury under a tree or plaque with a suggested date to open.

10. Create a photo book or scrap book of their life.

23. Purchase a photo frame with a USB and load up lots of photos.

11. Write letters to them.

12. Have your child’s photo age-progressed to see what they would look like now.

13. Volunteer somewhere or donate blood / plasma.

24. Dedicate a park bench to them with a plaque in a place of meaning.

25. Start a scholarship, prize, or award in their name.

Please remember that The Compassionate Friends Telephone Support Line is open 24/7, Please call us on (03) 9888 4034 (Victoria) or the National Number 1300 064 068.

Every phone responder is a bereaved parent, sibling, or grandparent. You Need Not Walk Alone.

TCFV Aug-Sept 29

TCFV MEMBER SURVEY 2023 INTRODUCTORY SUMMARY REPORT A warm thanks again to everyone for their contribution to this survey. We will include further findings, plus comments, in upcoming issues of Grieve Heal Grow.

Respondent Demographics Total respondents: 156 Gender Female (121 respondents) Male (32) Prefer not to respond (3) Location (148 respondents included their postcode) Metropolitan Melbourne (101 respondents)

Regional Victoria (44)

Interstate (3)

Bereavement experienced.

Child (134 respondents) Sibling (14) Grandchild (3) Other (4) Time since bereavement Less than 1 year (11 respondents) 1-4 years (42) 5-14 years (47) 15-24 years (35) 25+ years (20) Age range of respondents 18-24 (0 respondents) 25-34 (4) 35-44 (3) 45-54 (20) 55-64 (53) 65-74 (49) 75-84 (23) 85+ (4) Manner of bereavement Suicide (48) Transport Accident (18) Cancer (13) Illness (11) Drug Overdose (10) Chronic Illness (9) Cause Unknown (8) Non-transport Accident (6) SIDS (3) SUDS (1) SANDS (1) Murder/Manslaughter (0) Other (27) How long have you been a member of TCFV? Less than 1 year (21) 1-4 years (31) 5-14 years (46) 15-24 years (26) 25+ years (13) Survey Responses When has TCFV been of most support?

The first six months (35) 7-12 months (25) 1-4 years (41) 5 years and over (26) Not Applicable (10) How did you learn about TCFV? Top 4 Responses Family/friend (53%) Via the internet (23%)

Coroner’s Office (14%) Counsellor/Psychologist (11%)

The benefits of TCFV’s mutual-support self-help / peer support services Over 70% of respondents classified TCFV as “very helpful” (the highest rating level on the scale) in providing…

• The reassurance that I can grieve at my own pace (74.02%) • Reassurance that my feelings are “normal” (70.77%) • Access to a warm, understanding bereavement community (70.77%) • A safe place in which to explore my grief (70.31%) Over 65% of respondents classified TCFV as “very helpful” (the highest rating on the scale) in providing…

• The assurance that help is available whenever needed (68.22%) • The opportunity to say my loved one’s/ones’ name/s out loud and acknowledge their ongoing legacy in my life (67.44%) • The opportunity to emotionally expressive without feeling judged (65.12%)

30 TCFV Aug-Sept

TCFV Aug-Sept 31

TCFV SUPPORT GROUPS & SOCIAL SUPPORT GROUPS What TCFV Group Meetings offer is…

• The opportunity to get together with other bereaved people.

• The chance to talk about the person missing in our lives.

• The opportunity to drop the mask that society so subtly demands of each of us.

• The chance to cry without embarrassment.

• The opportunity to laugh without others thinking you must be “over it”, and • The opportunity to bask in a non-judgemental atmosphere and make new friends.

Support Group Meetings provide bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents the opportunity to meet in a safe environment with others who have “been there”, who understand and care. Group attendees report that meetings are an essential part of their “learning to live again” journey.

Social Support Group Meetings (held at a café) are not formal grief sharing like a support group – but we still welcome any discussion of grief, bereavement and our precious children, siblings and grandchildren.

Like formal support groups, these meetings are also facilitated by group leaders.

A minority of groups require registration to attend.

Please notify our telephone support-line of your intention to attend the next meeting of one of the following groups: Canterbury Evening Group / Hawthorn East Social Group / Box Hill Social Group.

Please register to attend an upcoming session of one of these groups: Book Club / Walking Through Grief / Express Yourself Through Art at TCFV CENTRE / Online Support for Regional Suicide -Bereaved / Online Express Yourself Through Art. All other groups do not require registration.

I have baby-sitting problems. Would it be alright to bring my child with me?

While we understand the difficulties of finding childcare, we must ask that out of respect for the needs of others, you do not bring children (under 18 years of age) to meetings.

Bereavement support for under-18s.

While TCFV’s services are for individuals 18 years and above, there are a number of other organisations that provide under-18 services, such as Grief Australia, Headspace and Jesuit Social Services. A listing of these services can be found at: www.tcfv.org.au/under-18s

32 TCFV Aug-Sept

SUPPORT GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Bayside

4 Wednesday 7pm-9pm (Jan-Nov)

Highett Neighbourhood Community House, 2 Livingston St, Highett

Bendigo

4 Tuesday 1:30pm (Jan-Nov)

Long Gully Community Centre, 23-29 Havilah Road, Long Gully

Canterbury Daytime

4 Wednesday 11am (3 Wed in Dec)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Canterbury Evening

2 Tuesday 7:30pm (Feb-Dec)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

th

th

th

rd

nd

Bookings are necessary. Please call 9888 4944.

Canterbury Siblings

3 Tuesday 7.45pm

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Canterbury Suicide-bereaved

4 Monday 7:30pm (Jan-Nov)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Castlemaine

Contact 1300 064 068 for details.

Eltham

1 Thursday 11am (Feb-Dec)

Eltham Library Community Room, Panther Place, Eltham

rd

th

st

Geelong

Last Tuesday 7:30pm (Jan-Nov)

Noble Street Uniting Church, 26-42 Saffron Street, Newtown

Horsham – Wimmera

Mar, Jun, Sep, Dec

Contact 1300 064 068 for details

Kidsafe / TCFV (Online)

Bereaved of a child 14 years & under through an accident

Currently in recess

Menspace

3 Wednesday 7pm – 9pm (Feb-Dec)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

rd

Mildura

2 Saturday 11am (Feb-Dec)

MADEC Community College, 133-137 Madden Ave, Mildura

Portland

3 Tuesday 7pm (Feb-Dec)

Star Theatre, 40 Julia Street, Portland

Regional Suicide-bereaved (Online)

3 Thursday bimonthly 7:30pm (Feb, Apr, Jun, Aug, Oct, Dec) Registration required:

Held via Zoom.

Rowville

1 Friday 1pm (Feb-Dec)

Bridgewater Centre, cnr Fulham Rd & Bridgewater Rd, Rowville

nd

rd

rd

www.tcfv.org.au/events

st

Sunshine

3 Tuesday 7:30pm

Salvation Army Drop-In Centre, 42 Devonshire Road, Sunshine

Sunshine Bereaved Through Suicide

1 Tuesday 7pm (Feb-Dec)

Salvation Army Drop-In Centre, 42 Devonshire Road, Sunshine

Warragul

Last Wednesday 7:30pm (Jan-Nov)

Warragul Community House, 138 Normanby Street, Warragul

Warrnambool

1 Wednesday 7:15pm (Feb-Dec)

Archie Graham Community Centre, Room CP1, 118 Timor Street, Warrnambool

2 Thursday 7pm (Jan-Nov)

Box Hill RSL, 26-28 Nelson Road, Box Hill

Camperdown

4 Monday bimonthly 6:30 for 7pm start (Feb, Apr, Jun, Aug, Oct, earlier meeting in Dec)

Madden’s Commercial Hotel, 115 Manifold Street, Camperdown

Croydon

3 Wednesday 10:30am (Feb-Dec) Note: December 2023 meeting will be held on 2 Wednesday (13 Dec)

The Rumour Mill, 22 McAdam Square, Croydon

Box Hill

rd

st

st

nd

Bookings are essential. Please call 9888 4944. th

rd

nd

th

Geelong

2 Tuesday 10am (Feb- Dec)

Brioche Café, 175 West Fyans Street, Newtown

Hawthorn East

4 Tuesday 7pm (Feb-Nov)

Café Paradiso, 213-215 Camberwell Road, Hawthorn East

1 Tuesday 12 noon (Feb-Dec)

Contact 1300 064 068 for details

nd

th

Bookings are essential. Please call 9888 4944.

Southern Peninsula

st

ART THERAPY GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Express Yourself Through Art

3 Monday of the month 7:30pm Registration

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Express Yourself Through Art (Online)

rd

required: www.tcfv.org.au/events

Held via Zoom.

For upcoming dates and to register, please visit: www.tcfv.org.au/events

LIGHT EXERCISE GROUP

Which day in the month is the event held?

Where is meeting held?

Walking Through Grief

1 Friday 9:30am (Feb-Dec) Registration

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Road, Canterbury

READING GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Book Club

1 Saturday month 10:30am (Feb-Dec) Registration required:

Four Beans Café, 22 High Street, Northcote

INTERSTATE GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Darwin

Last Wednesday 7:00pm (Jan-Nov) Contact Group Leader (Ingrid) on Ph 1300 064 068 / darwin@tcfv.org.au

MLA Office (Member for Legislative Assembly), Shop 15A, Oasis Shopping Centre, 15 Temple Terrace, Palmerston, NT, 0830.

st

required: www.tcfv.org.au/events

st

www.tcfv.org.au/events

Please note: Bereavement Peer Support in Hobart Bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents in Hobart meet informally at a café setting on a regular basis (often a weekend afternoon). For more information on this non-TCFV support network, including dates and times, please contact our telephone support line on 1300-064-068.

TCFV Aug-Sept 33

MEMBERSHIP RENEWAL 2023/2024 DID YOU KNOW? Your membership payment helps TCFV to continue supporting bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents after the tragic loss of their loved ones and also to keep the many support and social services provided to all our members operating.

Dear Members, The Compassionate Friends Victoria greatly values the contributions of our members, as without your contributions we could not continue our essential work. For new members, whose first year membership is complimentary, we invite you to continue your membership with us but remind you that subsequent years are subject to a minimal fee.

Membership for 2023/2024 is due on 30 June 2023 – Just $55 per year.

Your Membership helps provide Drop-in Bereavement Centre, located in Canterbury, Victoria.

24-hour, 365 days a year grief telephone support.

Over 30 different monthly support and social support groups in both metropolitan and regional areas.

Sibling Chat Service.

Bi-monthly Grieve Heal Grow magazine.

Library of books and other support media.

Information on grief and loss.

Community Education for businesses and community groups.

‘Time Out’ retreat accommodation.

Fortnightly Art Therapy workshops.

The training of support group leaders and telephone support responders.

The many social and memorial events throughout the year which give members an opportunity to meet, to share their stories, speak about their loved ones, meet other members, and make friends with those who truly understand.

“I don’t know what I would have done without The Compassionate Friends after my son died last year. Thank you for all your wonderful support throughout the year.”

Membership types •B ereaved Membership - $55 pa: All TCFV support services, events and information, Grieve Heal Grow magazine and Between Friends email newsletter.

•K eep in Touch - $22 pa: Between Friends email newsletter telling you about TCFV support activities and events, and you will be sent an Anniversary card.

•C ommunity Individual - $55 pa for non-bereaved members: Between Friends email newsletter.

•C ommunity Organisation/Professional - $150: Between Friends email newsletter, your logo in our newsletter detailing your support, and covers one membership for a bereaved parent, grandparent or sibling who might be struggling this year.

•N EW OPTION: Become a “Pay it forward” friend - $110 pa: Can you help another bereaved person become a member? Your “Pay it forward” friend support payment will pay for your membership and for one other person who is doing it tough this year.

For the cost of less than one coffee a month, you can help us support those who need us. Thank you for your ongoing commitment to The Compassionate Friends Victoria.

For more information, please see: https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/being-a-member-of-tcfv/ Preferred payment via website: https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/renewmembership/ Or simply email (admin@tcfv.org.au) or phone (03 9888 4944) us to make a payment.

We understand times are tough for some people at the moment and we are always here to support you. Contact us for a waiver of membership fees or other options.

34 TCFV Aug-Sept

COMMUNITY NOTICE BOARD Remembering your loved one forever with a Memorial Charitable Fund Account.

Lord Mayor’s Charitable Foundation, Australia’s largest independent community foundation, helps you create an ongoing legacy in tribute to your treasured family member.

A Memorial Charitable Fund Account will support causes and issues important to you and your family in perpetuity.

To learn more please contact the Foundation’s Team 03 9633 0033

Rikki

philanthropy@lmcf.org.au

Catriona

Lonia

lmcf.org.au

admin@heavensentelectrical.com.au HeavenSentElectrical heavensentelectrical

CALL US NOW 1300 443 283 A FREE CONSULTATION We provide free home safety check-ups valued at $120.

BOOK ONLINE

heavensentelectrical.com.au

TCFV Aug-Sept 35

s r s e t r r e t o Thank you S p r Thankyou upuppo S Agnes Tan Bradley Family Bradley Family Bunnings Box Hill Bunnings Box Hill Bendel Family Bendel Family Brunswick United Masonic Lodge Charles Tegner Charles Tegner City Boroondara City ofof Boroondara Coates Family Coates Family Country Women’s Associationof ofVictoria Victoria Country Women’s Association Dorothy Ford Dorothy Ford Dynamite Printing Dynamite Printing Eastern Press Eastern Press Galati Family Galati Family Trust Geelong Cemeteries GeelongGenny Cemeteries Nunan Trust Harmer GlenysFamily Coates James Marcon HarmerFoundation Family Johnson Winter & Slattery Ian Zadow Judith Theobald James Marcon Foundation Johnson Winter & Slattery Justice Connect Judith Theobald Kerilee Bolto Justice Connect Kidsafe Victoria Kerilee Bolto Le Pine Funerals Kidsafe Victoria Le Pine Funerals

Legalite Life Time Trophies Legalite Foundation Lord Mayor’s Charitable Marken Life TimeHosting Trophies Louisa Ong Foundation Lord Mayor’s Charitable Meet Me In The Middle Cafe Michael & Marken Hosting Maureen Cawley Mindfull Aus Meet Me In The Middle Cafe Mirella Marcon Michael & Maureen Cawley Nunan Family Mindfull Aus Pam & Max Williams Nunan Family PivotLife PamRobyn & MaxArya Williams PivotLife Scotsglen Singers Inc Scotsglen Singers Inc Shelia Schutz Shelia Schutz Sim Family Sim Family SM Creative Stevyn StevynWalder Walder Strickland StricklandFamily Family Sue Creative Binzer SM The Pethard Tarax Charitable Trust Tobin Brothers Tobin Brothers Trembath Family Trembath Family Tripleconnect Tripleconnect Yarra Ranges Council Yarra Ranges Council

TCF Australia National Number 1300 064 068 ACT & Queanbeyan 0419 137 818 New South Wales 02 9290 2355 Suite 602, 109 Pitt Street, sydney, NSW 2000 Queensland 07 3540 9949 505 Bowen Terrace, New Farm 4005 South Australia 0456 820 133 Darwin darwin@tcfv.org.au TCF Mandurah 08 9535 7761 Mandurah Lottery House - 7 Anzac Place, Mandurah 6210 TCF on the internet - United Kingdom www.tcf.og.uk – New Zealand (email) tcf.otago@xtra.co.nz USA www.compassionatefriends.org – SA www.compassionatefriends.co.za – Canada www.tcfcanada.net/

The Compassionate Friends Victoria 229 Canterbury Road, Canterbury VIC 3126 Po Box 171 Canterbury, Vic. 3126 Support Phone: (03) 9888 4944 Administration Phone: (03) 9888 4034 Email: support@tcfv.org.au Web: www.tcfv.org.au