TCFV Magazine Dec Jan

Edition No. 269 Dec 2023 – Jan 2024

The Compassionate Friends Victoria Magazine Supporting Parents, Siblings and Grandparents after a Child Dies

Tips for Coping at Christmas Before & After – The Journey to Nepal You lose a lot of friends after child loss World Suicide Prevention Walk 24 HOUR Grief Support Phone 9888 4944 - National Number 1300 064 068 Phones Staffed by Bereaved Parents, Siblings & Grandparents www.tcfv.org.au

Grieve The opportunity to mourn the deaths of our children/siblings/grandchildren - and examine our often-difficult and confusing “new normal” - in safe, non-judging environments.

Heal Through our grief work, we move towards reaching an improved place of mental, physical, and emotional functioning.

Grow While grief remains a part of our lives, we gradually identify new meaning, insight and joy in our daily living and relationships. We take the legacy of loved ones lost confidently into the future with us.

The Compassionate Friends Victoria is part of worldwide organisation, which was founded in England in 1969 and established in Victoria in 1978. It is a mutual assistance, self-help organisation offering friendship and understanding to families following the death of a child, sibling or grandchild of any age and from any cause. The primary purpose is to assist them in the rebuilding of their lives after death of their child, sibling or grandchild and to support their efforts to achieve emotional and mental health.

TCFV Staff

TCFV Membership

Alex Hamilton - CEO Administration Accounts Officer: Paul Gadsden Centre Coordinator: Jenny Galati Groups Coordinator: Andrew McNess Community Education and Communications Coordinator: Jane Moschetti Sibling Coordinator: John Brown IT: Jesse Bendel Centre & Project Coordinator: Di Russell Casual: Sue Brown The Compassionate Friends Victoria Patron: Rhonda Galbally AC

Being a member of The Compassionate Friends Victoria (TCFV) enables you to access many vital support services and attend social activities whilst demonstrating your support for a society that is aware and understands the impact of grief and bereavement following the death of a child, sibling or grandchild.

TCFV Membership is now open to both the bereaved and non-bereaved. Following an initial complimentary membership period, bereaved members have the option to remain.

• Full Member ($55 pa incl GST) or • Limited Keep In Touch Membership ($22 pa incl GST).

Associate membership is open to any non-bereaved individual or organisation who knows about our important work and wants to show their support in a meaningful way.

The non-bereaved membership levels include • Associate Individual ($55 pa incl GST) or • Associate Organisation ($110 pa incl GST).

The full details about all our different membership levels and their benefits can be found in the new Membership section of our website https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/ being-a-member-of-tcfv/.

If you have any questions about TCFV membership, please call our office on 03 9888 4034.

Board President: Kevin Purvis Vice President: Amanda Bond Secretary: Claire Kuhnell Treasurer: Vincent Wai Sibling Rep: Harriet Clegg Board Member: Bruce Houghton Board Member: Sonia Aberl Regional Member: Robyn Reeve

Front Cover: Candles from a Previous Candle Lighting Event 24 HOUR Grief Support– Available on Telephone 03 9888 4944 / 1300 064 068 Bereaved Drop In Centre Hours 9.30am - 4.30pm Monday to Friday Disclaimer: Unless expressly stated, the views expressed in articles, poetry etc. in this magazine are not necessarily the views of TCFV Board staff or the editorial team. The editor reserves the right to edit any contribution. Permission is given to Editors & Chapter Leaders of The Compassionate Friends to reprint material from the magazine. We request that credit be given to the author & their TCF Chapter.

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Index 2 Board & Staff 3 Index & Notice Board 4-5 Board Report 5 Editor’s Letter 6-7 News from the Centre 8 Book Review – Good Mourning 9 Grab your T-shirts and caps today!

10 Grief & Joy can co-exist and Tips for Coping at festive time 11 Rhys Harmer Winners 12-13 World Suicide Prevention 14-15 Summer Reading 16-17 Alex – Life after Death 18-19 Before & After – the journey to Nepal 20-21 Ben Diaz – Remembering Ben 22 Group Leader Training 23 Comm Ed Training 24 William Wall Exhibition 25 Tips for Coping at Christmas 26-27 Holiday Season Reminders & Time (poem) 28-29 One thing is for certain…We aren’t the same 30-31 Frequently Asked Questions About Groups 32-33 TCFV Support Groups & Social Support Groups 34 Open Day Flyers 35 Community Noticeboard 36 Thank you Supporters

NOTICE

Contribu tio

BOARD

ns to the

nex

t magazin Articles, p e oetry, artw ork and stories ab out your c hild, siblin grandchil g or d are alw ays requir e d for every edit ion.

If you wo uld like to contribute upcoming to an magazine , please s end to Jane via m ail to: The Edito r, TCFV, PO Box 17 1, Canterbu ry, Vic, 31 26 or email to editor@tc fv.org.au Deadline for the Fe b/March is 1 January 2024

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BOARD MEMBER Report My name is Sonia, and I am a member of the TCFV Board. I am the bereaved sister of David who passed away in October 2007, aged 29.

For my family, David’s death was unexpected and traumatic and took place in circumstances that changed us forever. It has taken me many years to acknowledge and process the impact of the loss of my only sibling and how it has shaped me, perhaps that is a life-long process. There are no tailor-made solutions or particular ways to cope with such a significant loss.

Sometimes putting pen to paper helps, sometimes sharing helps and at other times, all we need is for someone to listen without judgment and with empathy.

For a number of years after my brother passed away, I bottled up my grief and tried to ignore it. I didn’t talk with my parents about it as I didn’t want to burden them more than they already were, nor did I share my deeper feelings with my husband or closest friends. Perhaps it was focussing on raising my young family (I had just married a few months before and our daughter was born in 2008 and our son in 2010), life was busy, and I was ‘keeping it together’. Yet perhaps I just wasn’t ready to open up or even acknowledge David’s death in those early years.

They say ‘grief comes in waves’ – that is a lie. They aren’t waves; they are an overwhelming force that ram into your very soul from nowhere. One day I was at the supermarket and paying for my groceries when the checkout assistant said ‘have a great day’ – I looked at her with total shock and I guess that was when it really hit me, it was like everything was sucked out of me – my heart, my oxygen, my stomach, my whole being.

How can everyone around me seem so happy and ‘normal’ when my brother isn’t here anymore, and I am screaming inside?

This was the moment I knew I was ready and needed to talk and in 2012 my mum gave me her copy of a TCFV newsletter. On the back page there was a small section saying ‘Siblings – the forgotten mourners’ and a contact number. This was exactly how I felt - ‘forgotten’ and I knew I needed to make the phone call. I was incredibly nervous and unsure what to expect – what do I say? It was a fellow bereaved sibling, Andrew McNess who answered my call and I immediately felt like it was the first time I could breathe after a very long time. He was someone who ‘got it,’ someone who listened without judgement and with empathy. I was invited to attend the monthly Sibling Support group,

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and this soon became a ‘lifeline’ – a time to ‘re-connect’ with my brother and my feelings. I also made some special friendships and started to become involved in volunteering at the centre.

With a Bachelor of Psychology degree and a Graduate Diploma in Grief and Loss Counselling, my work has always involved giving support and care to others.

For many years working in the healthcare sector – pregnancy loss counselling, working with parents and families with children with disabilities and also in aged care and people living with dementia, I initially found it difficult to allow myself to receive the support and care so willing offered to me at TCFV. I carried a great deal of guilt over my brother’s passing, but I did learn over time that I am deserving of the support and care the TCFV community provide. I guess this was one of the biggest learnings for me in sharing my experience with others – that is working through the feelings of guilt and utter sorrow and that I am not alone in having these sometimes-overwhelming feelings.

John Bradley suggested I join the TCFV Board in 2014 as a sibling representative. I felt ready to give back to an organisation that has given me so much by contributing in a more professional way, by using my skills and experience, particularly with my background in working in the not-for profit sector in aged care and disability and with expertise in ICT, project management and policy/procedure. In 2017 I took a little break and returned soon after to assist Theresa Yeo and the team with small projects such as co-ordinating grants and the implementation of the IT Strategy plan. I have also been a volunteer supervisor with the Sibling Chat service for a number of years. I am thrilled to be returning to the Board this year and hope to continue to contribute in a positive and beneficial way to our incredible organisation and ensure its ongoing presence and positive impact to our community.

Sonia Aberl

Missing You at Christmas Every day without you since you had to go.

Is like summer without sunshine and winter without snow.

I wish that I could talk to you There’s so much I would say, Life has changed so very much since you went away.

I miss the bond between us and I miss your kind support, You’re in my mind and in my heart and every Christmas thought.

I’ll always feel you close to me and through you’re far from sight, I’ll search for you among the stars that shine on Christmas night. all-greatquotes.com

Editors Letter Dear friends Welcome to the summer edition of our magazine, covering the months of December and January.

While we recognize that not all our readers celebrate Christmas, we’ve included some helpful tips for those who do. In this issue, you’ll find a double-page feature on summer reading and personal articles contributed by our members. If you find inspiration over the summer to write about a lost loved one, I’d be very pleased to share in a future edition.

For my family and I, this marks the eighth Christmas without Joseph. It’s hard to believe it’s been so long since we last celebrated the day with him. Over these eight years, I’ve learned how to navigate through the day, discovering what works and what doesn’t. I’ve figured out who to spend time with and who to avoid.

While I still set a place for Joseph at the table and decorate a tree for my two other adult children, I can now unwrap the decorations Joseph made at Kinder and school without tears. I find solace in looking forward to Boxing Day, a day of relaxation where I don’t go anywhere or see anyone, and Christmas is over for another year.

Despite the passing of eight years, the lead-up to Christmas remains an extremely sad time. The festive atmosphere in shops, with carols playing and the hustle and bustle, is particularly challenging. People’s well-intentioned wishes of a “Merry Christmas” can be difficult, though I don’t hold it against them—they simply don’t know. It’s tough when everyone else is anticipating the joy of spending time with family, while for me, there’s always a beloved family member missing and always will be.

All I want for Christmas is Joseph.

Take care, stay safe, and may peace accompany you during this challenging time of year.

Jane Moschetti Bereaved Mother of Joseph (18)

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News from the Centre BOUND COPIES OF ‘GRIEVE HEAL GROW ‘ Would you be interested in commemorating the memory of your child, sibling, or grandchild by having their name featured in a beautifully bound book?

We are currently compiling three years’ worth of ‘Grieve Heal Grow’ magazines into a single volume, and we are seeking families to sponsor a year, specifically for the years 2021 and 2022. The front cover of each volume will proudly display the names of people whose families contribute $100 or more in loving memory of their loved one. Initially, there will be a total of twelve volumes in this collection.

If you would like to honour your loved one by having their name grace the cover of one of these volumes, please get in touch with Jenny Galati on 9888 4034 or via email at jennyg@tcfv.org.au.

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Thank You

To Deb Copper for the wonderful donation of books for the TCFV Library.

To Claire Wilson for her generous donation of books for our library shelves, too.

To Fiona Bird for her kind donation of butterfly stickers.

MAGAZINE TEAM A big thank you to the entire magazine team for all the articles provided, proofreading, etc.

Thank you to the magazine mailout team, Phil, Sandra, John B., John K., Margaret and Fiona, for their help in preparing the Oct/Nov edition ready for posting out to members.

OPEN DAY 2024 We invite you to our yearly Centre Open Days to be held on Friday 2 and Saturday 3 February, these days are a wonderful opportunity to come along meet some of the Board, Staff, Volunteers, have a tour of the building, hear about our upcoming events and services and for those interested learn about potential volunteering opportunities. Please see page 34 for all the details. Until then enjoy these photos of previous occasions.

Calendar of Upcoming Events Events

Date

Location

Mens Cook & Chat

Friday 23 February

TCFV Centre, Canterbury

Walk To Remember

Sunday 25 February

Princes Park, Carlton

Service Worldwide Candle Lighting Service

Volunteer Training

Date Sunday 10 December

Location Canterbury Christadelphian Church, Crn. Shierlaw Ave & Faversham Road, Canterbury

Date

Location

Group Leader Training (see page 22)

Feb – March 2024

Online

Community Education Speaker Training (see page 23)

Feb – April 2024

TCFV Centre, Canterbury

Please check the TCFV website closer to the time to see specific dates and arrangements.

To attend please book online at www.tcfv.org.au or call the Centre on (03) 9888 4034.

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REVIEW OF,

“GOOD MOURNING

“

HONEST CONVERSATIONS ABOUT GRIEF AND LOSS

:

by Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn.

I recently discovered a book “Good Mourning – honest conversations about grief and loss” written by Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn and published in 2023. Sally and Imogen are two young Australians whose mothers passed away in 2019 and 2020. They met through a support group and started a podcast and Facebook community in 2020 of the same name – Good Mourning. They describe their book as a support group in a book. I wish the book had been available earlier, but five years since the passing of my son, Nathan, l still found the book relevant.

The presentation of the book makes it easy to read. It is in a reasonable size font with adequate spacing. It has diagrams and breakout boxes which present the information in an attractive and easy to find format. It is written in plain English, such as “When you are writing in a journal, you can let rip and really write for you”. And the explanations by experts are easy to understand, such as the explanation by Dr Lisa M Shulman about how the brain can react to grief, when a person can suffer from memory loss, poor concentration, disorientation or “grief fog”, after the death of a loved one.

Some of the topics covered in the book are as follows: • Grief expectations versus grief reality • Theories of grief: 5 stages of grief by Kubler Ross, Growing around grief by Tonkin, and Continuing bonds by Klass, Silverman and Nickman.

•G rief styles: Intuitive grievers versus instrumental grievers by Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin • Secondary loss

•H ow grief impacts a person emotionally, physically and cognitively • Relationships and grief support • Return to work • Managing milestones • Spirituality and grief

The book includes excerpts from some of their podcast guest speakers such as Samuel Johnson (charity – Love Your Sister), Megan Devine (book – It’s OK that you’re not OK), David Kessler (book - Finding Meaning, the sixth stage of grief) and Jo Betz (journal – Grief). Quotes are noted from their Facebook community on topics such as coping with grief bombs, grief, regret and envy. The past president of the Australian Psychological Society, Tamara Cavenett provides expert advice on topics such as professional support, dark emotions and stress.

The authors tell their story, journey of grief and coping strategies with honesty and humour. Tips are provided on many topics; an example is responding to platitudes (because at the time we usually can’t think of a response) such as “Time heals all wounds “. A response example is “That’s isn’t entirely true. Time alone doesn’t heal grief, nor should it”. Tools are also described such as D-E-A-R M-A-N, a component of dialectical behavioural therapy, used to assist people to communicate their needs and resolve conflict in a relationship. Journaling prompts are provided to assist the griever in reflecting on their grief. Resources in the form of websites (from Australia, United Kingdom, USA, Canada) and books are shared at the end of the book.

The authors state that the book has been written for a variety of grievers – parents, grandparents, widows, widowers, siblings, other family members, friends and work colleagues.

Sue Rowan, mother of Nathan

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Grab your T-shirts and caps today!

With the arrival of spring and better weather, it’s the perfect time to embrace the outdoors and savour the beauty of nature while staying active. Our merchandise is available in a stunning Royal Blue, a rich and vibrant shade that effortlessly stands out in any design. Royal Blue carries a sense of majesty, owing to its historical connection with royalty. According to colour psychology, blue is also linked with trustworthiness and dependability and it’s associated with serenity, drawing inspiration from the calming nature of the sky and ocean. As a result, the colour blue is believed to evoke similar feelings of tranquillity.

To purchase please visit our website at the link below or scan the QR code. https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/ become-involved/merchandise/

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Moments of GRIEF Moments of JOY

I remember learning about oxymorons in English Class. These are opposites that work together – for example bitter and sweet.

So, can positive and negative emotions coexist? For example, grief and joy, or do they cancel each other out? In our moments of grief and pain I don’t believe our children would expect us to no longer experience joy.

Joy does not have to be ‘festival’ – it can just be a memory moment that brings a smile.

Memories can be bittersweet, initiating a tear and a smile at any time.

Keren Marsh TCF Whanganui August 2023

REMINDER

Grief & Joy CAN COEXIST

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Rhys Harmer Winners

LARAINE AND GUNNAR RASMUSSEN After losing their beautiful 13-year-old daughter, Simone in 1992 and grieving so sadly for many years, Laraine joined the staff in 2002 at TCFV as a Volunteer Co-ordinator supporting Anne Wicking our CEO, in many internal and external projects during her 13 years employment and volunteering.

In time Gunnar also began at TCFV as a volunteer and an afterhours phone responder over those years whilst still working full time as a primary school Principal.

Together they were a very compassionate and achieving couple.

Laraine had completed a Grad Dip Grief Counselling and Human Services Course and became a wonderful listener to many bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents.

Their daughter, Karina, has also been a TCFV Volunteer for some years as assistant editor of The Siblings Magazine and we thank her also.

ANNE WICKING Anne Wicking was the CEO of TCFV from 1998 to 2015 and continued officially as volunteer from 2015 to May 2020. She continues to still support TCFV under her consultancy practice PivotLife.

Today we are recognising Anne not for her staff role but for her volunteering time during her CEO tenure as well as her generous contributions thereafter.

It speaks volume to mention that she is the first non-bereaved recipient of this award. In the context where the bereaved and our needs are often not understood nor properly supported by even grief professionals, Anne’s genuine empathy, compassion and support was embraced by even the most sceptic amongst us.

Anne cared deeply for and supported many of us in TCFV. Whether it is a difficult anniversary week or when bereavement support work impacts our ability to cope, Anne was there to fill in the gaps and journey with us. When our personal lives are challenged, Anne will be there as a friend not just to comfort us but also go through great lengths to help us.

TCFV was not just a job for Anne. It was her passion, her cause, and her charity to champion!

LYN AND MAL LACEY With her late husband Mal, Lyn made a very significant contribution to TCFV, as an employee for a while and for many years as a volunteer. With Mal’s passing in 2021, this award is made to Lyn, with the very fond recognition she and Mal both made wonderful volunteer contributions to the organization.

Lyn and Mal Lacey became involved with The Compassionate Friends following the death of their daughter Francine Louise in 1999. There are a range of different activities they were involved with including being leaders of the Magazine distribution team and coordinating the fundraising efforts associated with the collection of stamps.

Lyn was a regular contributor to office support for the small TCFV staff. This heartbeat of the organization, where care and communications were focused, was a place where her kind and caring manner was so effective in the mission of The Compassionate Friends. Offering bereavement support is at the core of what we do and both Lyn and Mal were generous and thoughtful in the way they supported other bereaved families.

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World Suicide Prevention Day Walk, 10th September 2023 grief and pain – the whole range of things that some of us have in common, together with the whole range of things that are so intensely personal and individual to our own experience in this space.

It was in 2001 that an experience with suicide exploded into my world. My 15-year-old son, Stephen, who was living through the battle of depression, school refusal, lack of motivation and mental health issues, took his own life. Was his experience of life so dark that this was the only way he could find some relief from the torment?

What did we, as his family, his mother and I, his 3 sisters, do... or not do? Say… or not say? How could we have helped him more, or in better ways? These questions form a small part of the collection of questions that his suicide raised for us. I wished there were some answers to be found somewhere.

Now, some 22 years on from that dreadful day, 24th April 2001, the so-called sliding doors moment of life, life which is now configured in the shape of before and after, 22 years on from that day, while I might have some better understandings about suicide, I have also learned, and continue to learn, how to live with the notion that there are many questions to which there will never be answers.

Kevin Purvis, President, The Compassionate Friends Victoria Thank you for the opportunity to speak here today.

Often these talks begin with a comment about how good it is to be here and while there are a number of important reasons for being here today, many of us might say that it is not so good that we are here.

Many of us involved in the “suicide world” would rather be anywhere else than here. There is a wellknown cartoon and poem by Australia’s unofficial poet laureate, Michael Leunig, which speaks about belonging to a group that no one wants to belong to, the group of the bereaved and in this case, the group of those whose lives have been touched by suicide.

Welcome to the “club” says Leunig, the club you mocked, the club you dreaded, it’s your turn now, you’re in the club, with its knowing looks and unofficial membership experiences of devastation and loss, or

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22 years is quite a long time – a lot of life has happened in 22 years, almost a whole generation has happened since then. Steve would be 37 now, there’ll be a few 37-year-olds here today and I wonder what he’d have been like as an adult man. A generation in our family has passed and now there is a new generation, my grandchildren, who never knew Uncle Steve, who only know about him.

For some of you here today, 22 years might seem like an impossible amount of time. In the immediate aftermath of a suicide, time can somehow lose meaning. Getting through the next hour, the next day, the next task, can seem almost overwhelmingly impossible. In the aftermath of a suicide, life itself can somehow lose meaning. What’s the point? How can I go on? What will I do? More questions for which answers are not always easy to find.

For my family, the impact of Stephen’s suicide was huge. My career path changed. I was working for a caring and benevolent church organization at the time,

and they gave me time and space. For the remainder of that year, 2001, I was able to do as much or as little as I could manage, and some days it was very little.

Eventually it became clear that my own stuff was so overwhelming that I wasn’t able to effectively have a role in caring for others in the way I wanted to and so I left that role, eventually returning to my original work as a teacher.

I was fortunate that in our grief, my wife Jenny and I were pulled together and were able to support each other, rather than being pulled apart as sometimes happens to relationships that have to negotiate life after a suicide in the family. She was the one who had the last conversation with Steve before he, as a 15-year-old, took our car and drove off in the small hours of the morning on his final journey. The tape of that conversation has played itself over and over in her mind.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can now look back on the lives of Steve’s 3 sisters and see how their journeys each changed in 2001. The landscape of their lives was shaped by choices and decisions made in the time following his death. The image of the stone dropping into a pond and having ever increasing circles of impact is very real. The suicide stone that dropped into our life’s pool created waves of impact that are still felt today.

It is fair to say that after this much time, those waves of impact might be a bit less turbulent than they were 22 years ago. The initial tsunami of emotions, of guilt, of failure as a parent can be a storm in which simple survival is at risk. My experience is that the passage of time changes things. It does not heal the hurt, it does not provide a cure or even all the answers, but it does change. There are still moments of turbulence that arrive, some to be anticipated when significant dates or experiences come around, but some are disturbances that come out of left field, unexpected and sometimes shocking in their impact.

For me one of those places has been through The Compassionate Friends, which is just one of the organizations represented here today. It’s a place where people who have their own version of my experience of loss can gather, tell our stories in a safe and non- judgmental environment, where we can cry and sometimes wail together, where we can be held in the midst of those turbulent waves crashing all around, where the shared experience holds us together, in both the commonalities of the grief we have lived through and in the absolute uniqueness of our own version of that grief.

To be able to contribute to that organization, to convene a support group as my wife does, to answer the phones on the roster of a 24-hour helpline, to work on the Board and help keep a grass roots organization running, those things have become possible. To use some of life’s experiences, to put some of the skills and gifts we have to good use, is a therapeutic exercise of great mutual benefit. In The Compassionate Friends, as in many lived-experience, peer to peer support groups, we know clearly that the support is always a two-way street. One of our mottos is that “You need never walk alone”.

Coming here today and walking with each other, holding each other in our most frail moments and memories, is a sign of great strength, is an act of encouragement. Thank you for being here, thank you for being a public voice and witness to the all too often unspoken tragedy that surrounds suicide. We continue to work towards a world where healthy living in all aspects of life can be the experience of all people.

We continue to live in a challenging world where that experience is not always possible and so we stand together, we hold each other and we remember: we remember those who are gone and we remember that it is OK to bring suicide out of the shadows, it is OK to talk about suicide. We remember that you need never walk alone.

An important part of the process of coping, of surviving, and eventually of beginning to live again with some meaningful expression of life, for me, has been to “find my tribe”, to find some people who can authentically stand with me, to find my “club”, in Leunig’s ironical use of that term.

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Summer Reading “Discover a World of Knowledge at the TCFV Library!

Exciting news! Our library is constantly expanding its collection with an array of new books, these are just a taste of the fantastic titles that have arrived on our shelves in recent months.

We invite you to pay us a visit anytime between Monday and Friday, from 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM. Take your time to make a cuppa and indulge in a biscuit from our kitchen whilst exploring the books awaiting you on our shelves.

Note that our knowledgeable volunteer librarian, Joanna, is in the Centre every Tuesday and is available to assist you.

Permission to mourn: a new way to do grief – Tom Zuba

Embracing eternity: the amazing truth about life after death that will change your world – Tony Stockwell

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How to survive the loss of a child: filling the emptiness and rebuilding your life – Catherine M Sanders

Traumascapes: the power and fate of places transformed by tragedy – Maria Tumarkin

Heartfelt: a companion for bereaved parents – Jeri Rae Miller

From heartbreak to happiness: a journey of hope – Kim Macleod

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I Believe in an Afterlife:

In the hope that my experiences can help someone along their grief journey.

Yes, I do believe in a life after life on earth. Why? Because I’ve had too many revelations which I cannot dismiss as being “dreams” or “illusions”. The first time an apparition presented itself, it was in the still of the night in my bedroom. I was fully awake, and my father

confirm that a Spirit world actually exists, that love NEVER dies, and that our beloved in our Afterlife/ Heaven, can continue connecting with us, was the

death of my beloved son Alex. Alex died by suicide in 2007. He was 18 years young.

Alexander Laurence Tomei – Alex, my divine child almost immediately started connecting with me through so many indisputable signs. It is the language of LOVE everlasting, which consists of dreams, signs,

appeared at my bedroom door. It was dark, but I could

voices, apparitions, coincidences etc. etc.

still make out his white shirt, with the first button at

He really got my attention. My whole being, conscious

the collar undone, his white hair and dark-coloured

and subconscious, was completely blown open,

trousers. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was my

shattered, I was so traumatized by the impossibility of

dad, who had died 3 days prior in Los Angeles. Due to

what happened and the excruciating emotional pain,

the fact that I couldn’t see his face clearly, I actually

that I could not believe he was gone. With all of my

thought it was my husband – who sleeps in another

heartfelt intent I cried out to the Heavens and to Alex

room - snoring issues! So, I asked “What?” No reply,

for help, for the impossible to be possible, for him to

then again, “What do you want?” No reply, and then the

have somehow survived death! And he heard me!

Spirit of my father (because that is what this apparition

and he came, like a moth to a flame. My son’s face

was) floated toward me very quickly and went right

appeared the first time above my bedroom door at

through me! “Jeez!!!”

night, about 3 weeks after he died, just as my father did

I never lived with my father, who divorced my mother

a couple of years before. And again, I was fully awake.

when I was 1 year old, but there was love in our

From that moment I knew for sure, that death was not

physically distant relationship between Australia and

final. His Spirit, the driving force of that magnificent

North America. And, as I discovered, love never dies.

body that I still miss terribly after 16 years, had survived

I consciously knew that what I had witnessed was

death, he still lived and even thrived. No more pain,

my father’s Spirit, who came to say goodbye, and although I’ve always subconsciously felt that there is an afterlife, my conscious and subconscious selves

no more hurt, just free, like a bird that has been released from its cage. He was, he is, intact with all the personality and love he had for me and his family and

did not merge. I did not absorb the fact that our loved

friends.

ones continue after their human existence ends. I knew

Believing in an Afterlife without any doubt and

it was my father who appeared at my door that night,

believing wholeheartedly without doubt that my

but it didn’t make me truly believe that there was a life

son communicates with me, is what allows him to

after death, or life after life as a human. My heart wasn’t

come through. Doubt is the barrier that impedes the

grief stricken enough, to the point of bursting open and

possibility of the flow, the communications between

literally ‘seeing the light.’

our two worlds. We must not think it, but feel it with our

What DID shock my whole system and without a doubt

hearts, our emotions. We live and then we leave, but we

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do not cease to exist.

For those of us left behind, we strive to make sense of

I’ve been anxious about what to do with my son’s ashes,

such deep sadness and we are severely grief stricken.

and this felt right. After having seen the place and

If we are fortunate enough to believe in Heaven, it is of

spoken at length with any questions or fears I may have

some comfort. If we are blessed to be able to connect

had answered, I feel Alex will thrive here.

with the Spirit of our child, or children in some cases, it doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps assuage the suffering.

After 16 years of having held onto Alex’s ashes at home, I have been feeling anxious about what should happen to them should I pass away. I wasn’t comfortable with anything or any place I saw. And then, a few weeks ago, I read an article about a place here in Melbourne where your beloved’s ashes can be infused within a tree. It’s a new concept and it spoke to me. We went for a tour on the 23 September 2023, which happened to be my son’s birthday (a sign!) and we were overwhelmed by the concept and beauty of this new way of putting your loved ones to rest. We bought a tree. Our tree will become part of a forest filled with different species of trees. The next short chapter below is what I posted on Facebook a few days ago. I’d like to share.

MEMORIAL PLAQUE

23 September 2023... Today, Alex’s birthday, we went for a tour to a beautiful, peaceful place, a growing forest enriched by beautiful gardens, called Mornington Green. It is a new earth friendly concept for our “long rest.”

We have bought a tree. We chose a large Queensland Kauri, that will have Alex’s ashes gently and carefully treated organically, to turn any salts into sugars enabling easier ‘digestion’ for our tree.

Our tree’s root system will slowly but surely infuse Alex’s ashes within the tree, leaving a living sustainable legacy. His legacy.

Our Kauri is one of the largest trees available, which allows up to 9 ashes to be infused within the same tree:

Laura Tomei, author of

my mother, myself, and any family member who wishes

“Footprints in the Sand – A Symphony of Grief”

to join us, can do so, of course, with our consent.

TCFV Dec-Jan

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Before & AfterIn March next year, it will be 25 years since I lost my

You can imagine my emotions to discover that it was

beautiful, funny, stubborn but incredibly determined

Mother’s Day in Nepal soon after arriving. While Nepal

daughter Bree at just three years old. I have spent the

celebrated Mother’s Day in spectacular fashion, I was

last 25 years trying to find ways to honour Bree and her

curled up in a ball in my room sobbing, feeling the

zest for life rather than grieving her death.

sharp knives of loss piercing my heart, all the more so

As a support group leader, I have often heard people

because I hadn’t seen this one coming.

talk about the ‘before’ and ‘after.’ The life ‘before’ my

As is the case with grief though, it eases, and I was

child died and the life ‘after’. I have reflected quite a

able to feel awe the first morning I opened my door

lot this year on the impact of the ‘before’ and ‘after’ on

to see the great Annapurna Machapuchare Mountain,

my life, especially when I was barely an adult myself,

in full glory. It is truly breathtaking seeing a part of the

dealing with Bree’s serious illness, before her tragic

Himalayas in person.

death at such a young age.

While volunteering teaching English in Pokhara, I was

I’ve wondered whether the young ‘before’ me had a

very honoured to fulfil a request from a dear friend

hidden desire to see the world or the ‘after’ me has had

whose son James Marcon had travelled to Nepal and

incredible adventures purely because I needed to find

also volunteered in Pokhara, not long before his life

a way to honour the bright spark that Bree was and

tragically ended. Thanks to a donation from James’s

do things that she was cruelly denied ever having the

mother Mirella, I was able to buy some games and fruit

chance to do.

for one of my volunteer schools and deliver over 150

It was this adventurous spirit that set me on my journey of honouring Bree. Sadly, while I would give up

momos [dumplings] to a girl’s orphanage, much to their delight at this special treat.

everything to have her with me, I have done amazing

My next emotional point was Chitwan National Park,

things over the last 25 years to remember Bree for

home of the endangered one-horn rhino and the tiger.

the life she lived, things that I cannot comprehend the

While I only saw the paw print of the tiger, seeing

‘before’ me ever contemplating.

this and my experience of seeing rhinos in the wild

It is this ‘after’ me that led to my latest adventure, 20 years in the making after a decision to travel to Nepal for my 50th birthday. It is amazing how slowly time

brought tears to my eyes. There is something raw and pure seeing a wild creature. I could almost hear Bree whispering to me, “Right mum, next trip is Africa!”

passes in grief, but how quickly these things can creep

Another emotional part of my journey was carrying

up, so before I knew it, I was turning 50 and booking

the photos of other bereaved families’ much-loved

time off work to travel to Nepal without any other

children, like I had on the Camino. These beloved

planning in place.

children “told” me where they wanted to go. Many

On April 14, I flew out of Australia on my way to Nepal.

experiences of leaving the photos still give me tingles.

It was surreal to realise I was actually flying there after

The second I tightened the knot on Kelly Theobald’s

it being nothing more than a thought for 20 years,

photo onto a prayer banner at Khumai Dada, a banner

something … for Bree. It did however, become one of

that had been lying on the ground the whole time I had

the most emotional trips I have been on for so many

been there, the banner, along with Kelly’s photo went

reasons.

whoosh, straight up into the sky, well beyond what I

18 TCFV Dec-Jan

could reach and would not come back down. After

staring at it in person, not a book or watching David

falling on my butt in the mud trying to bring the banner

Attenborough on TV, but my eyes looking at it and I was

down to take a photo of Kelly to send to her family, I

there because of Bree.

felt Kelly laughing at me. When I shared this with Kelly’s mother Judith, she told me Kelly had a great sense of humour and would have enjoyed a giggle at me.

Travel is my happy place, where I feel more at peace.

Travel is the place where I hear Bree the loudest, where I feel her strongly, away from the distractions that day

Another time, I found myself wandering into a different

to day life brings. I’d like to believe that Bree has been

part of the pool area at Barahi Lodge and came across

with me on all my adventures, that in some way, she

a large flowering frangipani tree. I felt a need to leave

has been able to experience the things she would have

Renee Russell’s photo in this area and I shared this

loved to have done or seen but couldn’t. This is how I

experience this with Renee’s mother. Unbeknownst to

honour Bree in the ‘after’.

me, Renee’s mother Dianne told me frangipanis were Renee’s favourite flower.

There were other beloved children travelling this journey with me and I cried letting them go, knowing

If you would like to read about my journey to Nepal, you can read it here at Nepal – Bag of Hearts Karen Philippzig In loving memory of Bree (3yrs)

how loved they were by their families, how much they were missed and how honoured I felt to have them in my care.

The absolute highlight of the trip, however, was my helicopter flight to the base of Mt Everest, 5545 metres above sea level. Due to a lack of oxygen, I had less than five minutes at our drop-off point, 50 metres above Everest base camp. I’d carried Lierre with me the whole journey with a special request to leave her photo at the highest point. I gently tied Lierre’s picture to a pole covered in prayer flags and said goodbye to her.

Then, I took the time to stand and stare at Mt Everest.

That is when I was really overcome with emotion. I was

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Remembering Ben On the 19th of December 2020, a Saturday evening, we

We were allowed to

received the call, telling us that our son Benjamin had

have 90 guests at his

passed away accidentally. He had gone to the Sunshine

funeral. Many of his

Coast with his girlfriend to celebrate her birthday

friends had to stand

with her family and to spend time with her elderly

outside and watch the service

grandfather who, due to the pandemic, they hadn’t

on their phones. The service was live streamed and

seen for a year.

watched by family and friends in many countries

Our lives and that of his siblings and friends were

including Chile, Germany, Japan, and the USA.

shattered and changed forever. We were

Benjamin Rodrigo Ignacio was born

heartbroken but because

on the 27th of January 1993. Ben was

of the dates, we couldn’t

our fourth child, he has/had 2 older

stop to cry and grieve, as

brothers and an older sister and a

we needed to organise his

younger brother Sebastian who was

transport back to Melbourne

born when Ben was nearly three years

before the Christmas

old.

holidays. We had a family

Benjamin was a happy child, quite

meeting on Sunday and on

adventurous and fun loving. He

Monday we went looking for a funeral home that could help us to do all the paperwork.

Thinking of what Ben would’ve liked, we chose one that was light and airy and had blue flowers in the garden as that was his favourite colour. Ben’s older brother and sister were there with us, to help organise the whole process. We managed to get all the documents signed and get the transport of Ben’s body organised before all the offices were closing for the Christmas break.

On the Tuesday after Boxing Day, we had to take the clothes that he would be dressed in, chosen by me with his girlfriend’s and my other son’s girlfriend’s help. I still don’t know how I was able to function. We also needed to select the music to be played at his funeral and choose the photos to be shown in the slideshow.

On New Year’s Day 2021, the funeral home organised a viewing time for us to see him and say our goodbyes.

His funeral was held on the 2nd of January, 25 days before his 28th Birthday!

20 TCFV Dec-Jan

loved his sleep and even in primary school, in the After Care Program, he had a bed under the stairs just like Harry Potter, in case he wanted to nap after school and before I picked him up!

Ben and his younger brother were especially close and got into mischief together, they had pet ducks and chickens. Ben loved performing at the Friday Assembly in primary school and he was a keen Boy Scout where he learned many skills including making damper. He loved the Harry Potter books and films.

In high school, Ben developed a love of gardening and cooking, as well as history and philosophy. He enjoyed learning to play the piano and tried the clarinet. Ben developed great compassion for the less fortunate and often spoke about other kids that had issues in their lives.

He started to work part-time after school to save, as he wanted to travel. As soon as he finished high school and turned eighteen, he went to Germany for his gap

Honoured with Melbourne Victory Flag

ctory Fans Melbourne Vi

year, travelling to many cities in Europe. One of the highlights of his visits to each city was to go to the main stadium as he loved soccer/football - his favourite team was Real Madrid. Ben also travelled to China and Thailand.

He surely did a lot in his short life as if he was in a hurry to do as much as possible. I often think that he might have had an inkling that something may happen.

We miss him so much!! I could write much more: there are so many anecdotes and stories about Ben. Thank you for the happy memories. RIP. Alicia Diaz Bereaved Mother of Ben 27.01.1993 - 19.12.2020

TCFV Dec-Jan

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22 TCFV Dec-Jan

TCFV Dec-Jan

23

William Wall – My Vision – Photography Exhibition William Ernest Wall was lost to us at the age of 14, on the 22nd of September 2020.

One of William’s passions was photography. This show of black and white, silver gelatin, handprinted photographs is a reflection of how William viewed the world.

The official opening will be attended by a representative of The Compassionate Friends Victoria on Sunday 17th of December 2023, at 2.00 pm.

The exhibition will run from 6th of December 2023 to 18th of February 2024 and will be held at: Gold Street Studios 700 James Lane Trentham East 3458 Proceeds from the sale of Willam’s images will be donated to The Compassionate Friends Victoria.

To find out more, please visit the website at: https://www.goldstreetstudios.com.au/ future-exhibition /william-wall-my-vision-november-2023-to-january-2024/

24 TCFV Dec-Jan

TCFV Dec-Jan

25

Holiday season reminders You will survive this hard day. It might be ugly. That’s okay.

1.

You will survive this hard day. It might be ugly.

That’s okay.

2.

It might be a lot less ugly than you think. That’s also okay.

3.

Remember, grief can create tunnel vision on almost exclusively what’s been lost. You might have to work ten times as hard to also see what you still have. It’s worth the extra work to mine the good stuff, no matter how deeply it is buried.

4.

Holidays are the breeding ground of painful

11.

You are not responsible for anyone else’s holiday wants at the expense of your own mental health.

You might disappoint people, but people will survive disappointment.

12.

People might disappoint you, but you can also survive disappointment (let’s be honest, you’ve survived worse).

13.

Children can still have a magical holiday even when it isn’t perfect.

14.

Boundaries are self-care. It’s also okay to flex

comparisons. This just makes holiday dread worse.

on your boundaries. That doesn’t make you a

Hard as it is, resist the urge to compare your

boundary-failure.

holidays against the past or against anyone else’s.

You’ll do the best you can with what you have, because that is the best you can do.

5.

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do a holiday.

Together or alone, traditions or no traditions, try to let go of the shoulds and embrace what feels best for you.

6.

You have permission to change your mind about plans, take breaks, leave early, and prioritize taking care of yourself.

15.

There is nothing wrong with every last item on your holiday table being store-bought and not homemade if it helps cut down on that holiday dread.

16.

Found family (the family we choose) are just as important as blood family (sometimes more important), so try to connect with the people who mean the most to you - whoever they are. Even it if is just a quick text.

17.

You can break a ‘culture of silence’ in your family. If

7.

No one can tell how anyone else actually feels

your family hasn’t done a good job of talking about

from their social media posts. More people are

the person or people who’ve died and that bothers

having a hard time than you think.

you, let them know. It’s easier than it sounds -

8.

You are not the person you used to be, and that’s hard but okay.

9.

There is always an exit or a way to take a break, even when you don’t think there is, even if you’re hosting.

10.

You can always skip traditions and revisit them next year. You can also create new traditions (that last forever or for just this year).

26 TCFV Dec-Jan

promise. “Hey all. It makes me sad that we don’t talk about John more. I know it’s hard, but I propose we all share something that’s made us think about him recently - big or small. I’ll start”.

18.

If you don’t want to spend the holiday alone, don’t assume you’re the only one you know without holiday plans. Ask around, and post on social. You might find a friend to spend the day with.

Time

Well, they say, it’s been seven years Shouldn’t you be over it by now?

My parents died (or my cousin or my dog) I did my grieving and got over it, they say.

19.

If you’re unapologetically spending the day

Seven years – it seems like yesterday The police knocking at the door With words that will change my life.

Making funeral arrangements – Funeral arrangements for my son?

Asking his friends – young men Who were just yesterday playing cricket And football with him – to be his pallbearers The empty feeling in the pit of my stomach As the cars from the Funeral parlour drive up to our home What are they doing here?

alone, you can still plan for it to be exactly what you want it to be.

20.

A full day of good books, good movies, and delicious snacks is a perfectly respectable way

Seeing him lying there in his cricket gear Covering his dear face before they seal the coffin Going through the service in a daze Trying to help his sister, brother and his grief-stricken friends.

to spend the day.

21. Go outside. For 5 minutes, for 5 hours, whatever.

22.

Christmas decorations aren’t all-or-nothing. If you didn’t have it in you to pull them out because

Waking up every morning And for that blessed split second thinking everything Was right in the world Then reality crashes in - he is dead.

Fumbling my way somehow through the days and nights.

you were dreading the holidays, you can still pull out one or two items. Or buy yourself one decoration that you love.

23.

Buy yourself a gift that you think they would have bought for you.

24.

Remember that your ability to find gratitude and make space for joy in a world without your loved one is not a betrayal. And is really can ease some of the holiday dread.

It has been several years And it still hurts to say his name To think what he might have been doing now with this life Would he have that daughter called Rebecca He promised me?

So please Don’t expect me to be over it Not in seven years In seventy Or even seven hundred.

25.

Your pain is not your connection to your loved one. Your connection to your loved one lives in your memories, in your love for them, and in the

Written by Marcia Davis, mother of Philip, who died in 1991.

Marcia was formerly a member of TCFV.

ways they live on through you.

TCFV Dec-Jan

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One thing is for certain…

We aren’t the same (Taken from www.stillstandingmag.com) You lose a lot of friends after child loss. As if you aren’t facing enough from the death of a child, dealing with relationships along the course of grief can be something unexpected and add to your sorrows.

There are various reasons, some of which are due to the bereaved parents, but many are not.

For some, I think friends fade away because they just don’t know what to do/what to say/how to act.

Perhaps they feel guilty if they have children still living?

Perhaps they don’t realize what a help they could be?

Perhaps they can’t handle the change in you?

One thing is for certain…

We aren’t the same. We never will be. In the chaos of grief, the additional loss of friends stung my already wounded heart. People I expected to “be there” for me weren’t. It disappointed, saddened, and sometimes even angered me. I remembered and evaluated times I’d helped them and wondered why they didn’t come through. At one point in my deepest grief, I recall going through the ledger of attendees at our son’s funeral. I kept a mental list of those who didn’t show. At first, it hurt. Then, I avoided them altogether. {Before I go any further down this path, I should say that we were blessed with many friendships along this journey. Some from old and dear friends, many from unexpected sources. There were numerous times we were speechless at the outpouring of love shown to us. Austin passed nearly six years ago so the rawness is gone, and I no longer hold resentment to anyone for anything they did – or didn’t do. This was just a place I’ve never shared from before.} There are numerous stories I could share of things friends said, who meant well but made a mess of things. Or of those who used my son’s death almost against me, or to somehow benefit them. Or of those who were just simply insensitive and uncaring. Or of all the hurtful moments of missed opportunities, missed comfort, missed healing, because friends just didn’t show, call, or come around. I’m sure we’d all have stories like this to share.

Instead, I thought I’d share from the other side. The “why I said no” from a bereaved mom’s standpoint.

28 TCFV Dec-Jan

The reasons behind my declines, avoidance, or forgetfulness.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end. Maybe you have reached out to a grieving parent and not understood why it didn’t seem warmly received. This is the story from one momma’s point of view. One of the first things I recall about those who reached out to me was the phone calls. I remember making two calls that horrible night. One was to the emergency line – a call no mother should ever have to make. The second was to my mom, asking her to come to stay with my youngest son, as I was enroute to the hospital for what my soul knew would be the worst news of my life. In the ER, someone pulled my cell phone out of my numb hand – I think it was my sister – and began making calls to family.

Honestly, I don’t remember the next time I used a phone. Instead, I avoided the phone at all costs. It rang nonstop that first couple of days. Our home was busy and full of people and I just it handed over to others.

When I was alone, I often turned my cell off to avoid facing this nightmare-now-reality.

I can’t explain why, but talking on the phone was the hardest form of communication for me after loss. I felt vulnerable and instantly my voice would crack, failing my attempts to remain strong. So, I gave up. Looking at the caller ID, tears would fall. Though thankful to see someone’s name scroll across, I was unable to speak to them. And I never returned those calls. It was too hard. Just because I didn’t answer, did not mean it wasn’t appreciated. I still remember every single call, voicemail, and text. The thought truly mattered.

Another difficult phase, for me, was the moving on of time. One of my first Facebook posts after our loss was, “Wishing time would just stop.” This short sentence was what I wanted to scream out loud. I hated that life continued for everyone else. Every second, every ticking of the clock was a reminder of how much longer I was without my son. It seemed others didn’t care that my world had ended. For those that went back to normal quickly, basically choosing to ignore the depth of my grief, it damaged our friendship.

An open letter to my non-grieving friends and family: why I need space to just exist • For the invitations to birthdays and milestone moments I declined, it was because happiness seemed impossible some days. Often, it was because Austin was the same age group. I couldn’t imagine celebrating at a sweet 16 party when I couldn’t plan one for my son. It wasn’t jealousy, just reality and the pain was too much.

• Sometimes I said no because I knew there was no way to hold my emotions together.

Heather Blair In 2008, my world as I knew it changed forever, with the sudden loss of our 14-year-old son, Austin. The journey to my blog (and attitude toward life) was bumpy and tearful, beginning at a memorial blog for my son. I later chose to take another path, challenging myself to find the JOY in every day, despite the sadness I still felt. I love and miss him daily but I’m living my life to honour him – and celebrating every moment it brings. My goal… to find and share the joy in every day. You can find me at Joyful Challenge

• Sometimes it was because I didn’t want the looks of pity or awkward silence.

• Sometimes it was because the invite came during a symbolic time, and you didn’t know or remember.

• Sometimes I said no because one of us in the family was going through a rough patch, harder than an ordinarily painful day.

• Sometimes I declined or ignored you because it was insensitive – like an invitation to a movie about a dying child.

• Or the timing was terrible, like the day we got the call from the medical examiner and I had to escape home in a hurry.

• Or it was always too heavy when we were together because the unsaid spoke too loudly and hovered in the room.

• Or it involved a trigger you could never imagine or expect – like a bicycle, the time of day, his favourite drink, or any number of things that normally sent me into tears.

• Or, maybe you came into my life post-child loss and know none of my history or baggage. I can’t begin to open myself up to you because I’m too busy trying to avoid the “How many kids do you have?” question that always comes with getting to know someone.

I’m not rude, or snobby, I’m just grieving and still trying to find my new place in this world.

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?

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT TCFV GROUP MEETINGS Can I attend multiple meetings?

If it is geographically feasible, please feel most welcome to attend a range of support and/or social groups. We just ask that whenever you attend a new group that you let TCFV Centre know via phone 9888 4944 (Melbourne) or 1300 064 068 (regional) or email: support@tcfv.org.au. This way the leaders will be ready to welcome you into the new environment.

What happens at a support group meeting?

Most groups start with an informal time for welcoming people and having a cup of tea or coffee. The formal part of the meeting then begins with the facilitator speaking and perhaps reading a piece of poetry or a short story, after which time we introduce ourselves in turn and share our thoughts and feelings. At this time, you may share as much or as little as you need. General discussion then follows and groups usually end with another cuppa for those members who wish to stay.

How is a social group meeting different to a support group meeting?

Also facilitated by leaders, social groups are a lovely social opportunity for bereaved people. Often held at a café, discussion is more general, although can sometimes centre on grief-related issues. If you are needing more substantial time to explore your grief-related issues (and this can particularly be the case when you are newer in your grief), we recommend a formal support group in the first instance.

My loved one died several years ago. I feel like my grief is catching up with me now. Is it too late for me to attend a group?

It isn’t too late at all. We all grieve differently. Many people don’t feel the need of a support group until years after the death of a loved one. It’s all right to come whenever you are ready, whether it’s soon after your loved one’s death, months later or years later.

I notice that a few meetings are held at a church location. Do I have to belong to a church to attend?

TCFV has no religious affiliation. Meetings are held in a wide variety of locations depending upon what is available in our communities.

Will attending a group meeting be “too much” emotionally?

It can be helpful to be in the presence of someone else’s emotions. Finding you have similar feelings and experiences to others can be an extremely positive experience. Be mindful that when you’re feeling especially fragile, you might not be in a sufficiently comfortable place to experience another person’s sadness, regret, guilt, frustration, and so on. Be aware of how you’re feeling in response to others. It may not be the right time for you to attend groups regularly. Alternately, you may realise through your response, you are “simply” having a difficult day.

I am new in my grief. Through attending group meetings, will I find hope again?

Seeing others further down the track who have managed to find meaningful connections again with the world around them can provide hope. Similarly, hearing about how people have coped in difficult times can be helpful.

For new people in the group, or newer in their grief, you may find you look to longer-term bereaved members for evidence that things will change. For the majority of us, it definitely does – the intensity and repetitiveness of griefrelated thoughts and feelings, for instance, diminishes. We can still have bad days, though, and for newer people, this may inadvertently leave the impression that nothing changes. Thankfully, for the clear majority, it does.

30 TCFV Dec-Jan

Is a peer support group the same as therapy?

A support group helps reduce the sense of isolation bereaved people commonly feel. It also helps normalise thoughts and feelings that can be distressing or depressing for us. Like therapy, a support group invites us to reflect on experiences. It is different to therapy, too. The facilitators have the lived experience of bereavement, but they are not necessarily mental health professionals and the support they provide is peer-based. A group is not an in-depth one-on-one session, although a grief-related topic can be explored in-depth collectively.

Can I ask the group to give me advice on how to cope?

You can, but it is essential to keep in mind: no one size (in coping with grief) fits all. Despite the power of our shared experience of grief, we of course all come with our individual needs and experiences. You can ask people what has helped them and what hasn’t in coping with grief, honouring lost loved ones, and so on. Hearing other people’s outlook and approach to grief can help “fine tune” your own. But remember, no one size fits all. If you are seeking medical, psychotherapeutic or health advice, we stress that you need to seek the guidance of relevant professionals.

I find meetings helpful, but I feel like my grief is “smaller” than others, and it leaves me wondering if I should continue attending?

TCFV recognises that the impact of the death of an immediate family member, no matter the cause or extenuating circumstances, will likely be one of the most traumatic events we experience. We steer clear of comparisons for this very reason. Comparisons undermine a safe, supportive peer atmosphere. Some types of bereavement do present particular coping issues, and for that reason we offer specialist groups where possible.

But this is not to imply one type of bereavement is “larger” than another.

It is important to me to be able to speak openly and in detail about how my loved one died. Is this okay in a support group?

It is important to feel free to speak openly about all aspects of our grief. Sometimes, if this includes graphic descriptions surrounding how our loved one/s died, it can be too much for the group to hear. Instead, it might be more comfortably addressed in a one-on-one discussion with a group leader or with a psychotherapist, allied health professional, and so on.

Please note: the following questions…

Do a minority of groups require registration to attend?

I have baby-sitting problems. Would it be alright to bring my child with me?

Is their bereavement support for under-18s? …are addressed on Page 32 of this edition of ‘Grieve Heal Grow’ magazine.

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TCFV SUPPORT GROUPS & SOCIAL SUPPORT GROUPS What TCFV Group Meetings offer is…

• The opportunity to get together with other bereaved people.

• The chance to talk about the person missing in our lives.

• The opportunity to drop the mask that society so subtly demands of each of us.

• The chance to cry without embarrassment.

• The possibility to laugh without others thinking you must be “over it”, and • The opportunity to bask in a non-judgemental atmosphere and make new friends.

Support Group Meetings provide bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents the opportunity to meet in a safe environment with others who have “been there”, who understand and care. Group attendees report that meetings are an essential part of their “learning to live again” journey.

Social Support Group Meetings are similarly led by group leaders. They are a lovely social opportunity for bereaved people, often held at a cafe. Discussion is more general, although can sometimes centre on griefrelated issues. If you are needing more substantial time to explore your grief-related issues (and this can particularly be the case when you’re newer in your grief), we recommend a formal support group.

A minority of groups require registration to attend.

Please notify our telephone support-line of your intention to attend the next meeting of one of the following groups: Canterbury Evening Group / Hawthorn East Social Group / Box Hill Social Group.

Please register to attend an upcoming session of one of these groups: Book Club / Walking Through Grief / Express Yourself Through Art at TCFV CENTRE / Online Support for Regional Suicide -Bereaved / Online Express Yourself Through Art. I have baby-sitting problems. Would it be alright to bring my child with me?

While we understand the difficulties of finding childcare, we must ask that out of respect for the needs of others, you do not bring children (under 18 years of age) to meetings.

Bereavement support for under-18s.

While TCFV’s services are for individuals 18 years and above, there are a number of other organisations that provide under-18 services, such as Grief Australia, Headspace and Jesuit Social Services. A listing of these services can be found at: www.tcfv.org.au/under-18s

32 TCFV Dec-Jan

SUPPORT GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Bayside

4 Wednesday 7pm-9pm (Jan-Nov)

Highett Neighbourhood Community House, 2 Livingston St, Highett

Bendigo

4 Tuesday 1:30pm (Jan-Nov)

Long Gully Community Centre, 23-29 Havilah Road, Long Gully

Canterbury Daytime

4 Wednesday 11am (3 Wed in Dec)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Canterbury Evening

2 Tuesday 7:30pm (Feb-Dec) Bookings are essential. Please call 9888 4944.

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Canterbury Siblings

3 Tuesday 7.45pm

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Canterbury Suicidebereaved

4 Monday 7:30pm (Jan-Nov)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Castlemaine

Contact 1300 064 068 for details.

Eltham

1 Thursday 11am (Feb-Dec)

Eltham Library Community Room, Panther Place, Eltham

Geelong

Last Tuesday 7:30pm (Jan-Nov)

Noble Street Uniting Church, 26-42 Saffron Street, Newtown

Horsham – Wimmera

Mar, Jun, Sep, Dec

Contact 1300 064 068 for details

Kidsafe / TCFV (Online)

Bereaved of a child 14 years & under through an accident

Currently in recess

Menspace

3 Wednesday 7pm – 9pm (Feb-Dec)

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Mildura

2 Saturday 11am (Feb-Dec)

MADEC Community College, 133-137 Madden Ave, Mildura

Portland

3 Tuesday 7pm (Feb-Dec)

Star Theatre, 40 Julia Street, Portland

Regional Suicidebereaved (Online)

3 Thursday bimonthly 7:30pm (Feb, Apr, Jun, Aug, Oct, Dec) Registration required: www.tcfv.org.au/events

Held via Zoom.

Rowville

1 Friday 1pm (Feb-Dec)

Bridgewater Centre, cnr Fulham Road & Bridgewater Road, Rowville

Sunshine

3 Tuesday 7:30pm

Salvation Army Drop-In Centre, 42 Devonshire Road, Sunshine

Sunshine Bereaved Through Suicide

1 Tuesday 7pm (Feb-Dec)

Salvation Army Drop-In Centre, 42 Devonshire Road, Sunshine

Warragul

Last Wednesday 7:30pm (Jan-Nov)

Warragul Community House, 138 Normanby Street, Warragul

Warrnambool

1 Wednesday 7:15pm (Feb-Dec)

Archie Graham Community Centre, Room CP1, 118 Timor Street, Warrnambool

Box Hill

2 Thursday 7pm (Jan-Nov) Bookings are essential. Please call 9888 4944.

Box Hill RSL, 26-28 Nelson Road, Box Hill

Camperdown

4 Monday bimonthly 6:30 for 7pm start (Feb, Apr, Jun, Aug, Oct, earlier meeting in Dec)

Madden’s Commercial Hotel, 115 Manifold Street, Camperdown

Croydon

3 Wednesday 10:30am (Feb-Dec) Note: December 2023 meeting will be held on 2 Wednesday (13 Dec)

The Rumour Mill, 22 McAdam Square, Croydon

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Geelong

2 Tuesday 10am (Feb- Dec)

Brioche Café, 175 West Fyans Street, Newtown

Hawthorn East

4 Tuesday 7pm (Feb-Nov) Bookings are essential. Please call 9888 4944.

Café Paradiso, 213-215 Camberwell Road, Hawthorn East

Southern Peninsula

1 Tuesday 12 noon (Feb-Dec)

Contact 1300 064 068 for details

ART THERAPY GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Express Yourself Through Art

3 Monday of the month 7:30pm Registration required: www.tcfv.org.au/events

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Rd, Canterbury

Express Yourself Through Art (Online)

Held via Zoom.

For upcoming dates and to register, please visit: www.tcfv.org.au/events

LIGHT EXERCISE GROUP

Which day in the month is the event held?

Where is meeting held?

Walking Through Grief

1st Friday 9:30am (Feb-Dec) Registration required: www.tcfv.org.au/events

TCFV Centre, 229 Canterbury Road, Canterbury

READING GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Book Club

1 Saturday month (Feb-Dec) Registration required: www.tcfv.org.au/events

Four Beans Café, 22 High Street, Northcote

INTERSTATE GROUP

Which day in the month is the meeting held?

Where is meeting held?

Darwin

Last Wednesday 7:00pm (Jan-Nov) Contact Group Leader (Ingrid) on Ph 1300 064 068 / darwin@tcfv.org.au

MLA Office (Member for Legislative Assembly), Shop 15A, Oasis Shopping Centre, 15 Temple Terrace, Palmerston, NT, 0830.

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Please note: Bereavement Peer Support in Hobart Bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents in Hobart meet informally at a café setting on a regular basis (often a weekend afternoon). For more information on this non-TCFV support network, including dates and times, please contact our telephone support line on 1300-064-068.

TCFV Dec-Jan

33

34 TCFV Dec-Jan

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TCFV Dec-Jan

35

s r s e t r r e t o Thank you S p r Thankyou upuppo S

Agnes Tan Avery Poole Bradley Family Bradley Family Bryn Humphreys Bunnings Box Hill Bunnings Box Hill Bendel Family Bendel Family Charles Tegner Brunswick United Masonic Lodge City Charles of Boroondara Tegner CherylFamily Lardner Coates City of Boroondara Country Women’s Association of Victoria Coates Family Dorothy Ford Country Women’s Association of Victoria Dynamite Printing Dorothy Ford Eastern Press Eastern Press Galati Family Galati Family Geelong CemeteriesTrust Trust Geelong Cemeteries Harmer Family Harmer Family Ian Zadow James Marcon Foundation James Marcon Foundation Johnson Winter & Slattery Jennifer O’Reilly Judith Theobald John Brown Justice JudithConnect Theobald Kerilee Justice Bolto Connect Karen Philippzig Kidsafe Victoria Kerilee Bolto Le Pine Funerals Kidsafe Victoria Le Pine Funerals

Legalite Life Time Trophies Lord Mayor’s Charitable Foundation Legalite Louisa Ong Life Time Trophies Marken Hosting LordMeet Mayor’s Me InCharitable The MiddleFoundation Cafe Marken Hosting Michael & Maureen Cawley Meet Me In TheAus Middle Cafe Mindfull Mirella Marcon Cawley Michael & Maureen Nunan Family Mindfull Aus Pam & Max Williams Nunan Family PivotLife Pam & Max Williams Robyn Arya PivotLife Scotsglen Singers Inc Scotsglen Singers Inc Shelia Schutz Shelia Schutz Sim Family SM Creative Sim Family Strickland Family Stevyn Walder Sue Binzer Strickland Family The Pethard Tarax Charitable Trust SM Creative The Retreat at Mount Cathedral – Tobin Brothers Kerilee & Nic Bolton Trembath Family Tobin Brothers Trembath Family Tripleconnect Tripleconnect Yarra Ranges Council Yarra Ranges Council Yvonne Sharpe

TCF Australia National Number 1300 064 068 ACT & Queanbeyan 0419 137 818 New South Wales 02 9290 2355 Suite 602, 109 Pitt Street, sydney, NSW 2000 Queensland 07 3540 9949 505 Bowen Terrace, New Farm 4005 South Australia 0456 820 133 Darwin darwin@tcfv.org.au TCF Mandurah 08 9535 7761 Mandurah Lottery House - 7 Anzac Place, Mandurah 6210 TCF on the internet - United Kingdom www.tcf.og.uk – New Zealand (email) tcf.otago@xtra.co.nz USA www.compassionatefriends.org – SA www.compassionatefriends.co.za – Canada www.tcfcanada.net/

The Compassionate Friends Victoria 229 Canterbury Road, Canterbury VIC 3126 Po Box 171 Canterbury, Vic. 3126 Support Phone: (03) 9888 4944 Administration Phone: (03) 9888 4034 Email: support@tcfv.org.au Web: www.tcfv.org.au