IRISH BULLS

To err is human, to share humor, bovine. So here I am throwing some bull — not just any kind of bull, but, in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day (coming up on March 17), an Irish bull. And while I’m at it, I’ll round up a herd of Irish bulls.

What’s an Irish bull? I’m glad I asked me that. Some dismiss it as a silly blunder born on the Emerald Isle. Others more describe an Irish bull as a statement fueled by a delightful absurdity that sparks forth a memorable truth, such as Oscar Wilde’s spot-on “I can resist anything but temptation.”

When asked the difference between an Irish bull and any other kind of bull, Professor John Pentland Mahaffey of Dublin University replied, “An Irish bull is always pregnant,” providing a definition that is itself an example.

Among the first and most famous specimens is a pronouncement by Sir Boyle Roche, who once asked, “Why should we do anything to put ourselves out of the way for posterity? What has posterity ever done for us?” Irish politics, literature, and folklore are replete with pronouncements that jump to a confusion:

• An Irishman is never at peace except when he’s fighting.

• An Irishman will die before letting himself be buried outside of Ireland.

• I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

• Your Honor, I was sober enough to know I was drunk.

• Gentleman, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.

• Thank God I’m an atheist.

• God bless the Holy Trinity.

• May you never live to see your wife a widow.

• He is the kind of opponent who would stab you in front of your face and then stab you in the chest when your back is turned.

Any assumptions that the Irish have cornered the bull market are completely unwarranted. Some of the best specimens of taurine eloquence thrive far from the green fields of Ireland. Jazz pianist and composer Eubie Blake, who lived to the age of ninety-six, began smoking at six and refused to drink water. He observed, “If I had known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”

Here are a few more examples of corn-fed American bulls:

• Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

-Harry S. Truman

• My vision is to make California the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state. -Governor Gray Davis

• I think that gay marriages are something that should be between a man and a woman. -Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

• There are known knowns. These are things that we know we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.

-Secretary

of Defense

Donald Rumsfeld

Saturday, March 25

10 am to 4 pm

• We have here two incredibly credible witnesses. -Joe Biden, who once exclaimed, “That’s the most unheardof thing I ever heard of!”

• Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they won’t come to yours. -baseball legend Yogi Berra

• Good pitching always stops good hitting, and vice versa.

-Casey Stengel

• Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will have me as a member -Groucho Marx

• It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen

• Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -Samuel Goldwyn

• When Irish Words are Smiling, We All Feel Blessed

-Richard Lederer

This is why the sagacious Hobbes, the insightful tiger who prowled Bill Waterston’s late lamented comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, once predicted. “We can eventually make language a complete impediment to everything.”

The Irish are known not only for St. Patrick’s Day (coming up March 17), but also for the lyricism and sentiments of their toasts, often called “blessings.” Across the Irish countryside and throughout Irish folklore, countless toasts and blessings sing of life and hope. On the breastplate of St. Patrick himself appears: “May you be blessed with the strength of heaven, the light of the sun and the radiance of the moon, the splendor of life, and the speed of lightning, the swiftness of the wind, and the depth of the sea, the stability of the earth, and the firmness of rock.”

Long ago, people would place slices of spiced toast into their tankards of ale to improve the favor and remove the impurities. The drink itself became a “toast,” as did the gesture of drinking to another’s good health and long life:

• I drink to the enemy of your enemy.

• May I see you gray and combing your grandchildren’s hair.

• I drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a 100-yearold oak that I shall plant tomorrow.

• May the good Lord take a liking to you, but not too soon.

• May God grant you many years to live. For sure He must be knowing the earth has angels far too few and heaven is overflowing.

• May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra to repent.

• May you live to be a 100 and shot by a jealous husband.

“May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty,” sings one Irish blessing. From their well wishes, the Irish so obviously cherish friendship and love:

• There are good ships, and there are wood ships, The ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships, And may they always be.

• to an Irish bachelor: May you have nicer legs than your own under the table before the new spuds are up.

• May the roof above you be well thatched and those gathered beneath it well matched. May the roof above you never fall in, and those gathered beneath it never fall out.

On Christmas Eve the traditional Irish leave their door unlocked and burn a candle in their window. Their blessing states: “May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch off your door and happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas.” For the New Year the Irish say, “May your right hand always be stretched out in friendship and never in want.”

If you are lucky enough to be Irish, you are lucky enough. If you are lucky enough to be toasted or blessed by the Irish, you might be favored so:

• May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up. May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head. May you be 40 years in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.

• May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.

And most famously and luminously of all:

• May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. And the sun shine warm on your face, the rain fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of His hand.