“ON THE ROAD WITH LOCAL UMBRELLA”

Name: Natalie May

Business: The Mopping Duck Cleaning Services natalie@themoppingduck.com

Community: San Carlos

Areas Visited: Sonoma, AZ; Grand Canyon

Highlights: Beautiful hikes and sunsets

Are Your Relationships More Painful Than Positive?

Forget the spooky and scary ambiance of the Halloween season, a more frightening occurrence is the truth that underneath almost every relationship problem, there is a learning-to-love-yourself problem.

Lack of self-love (in you, your partner, or both), can lead to bickering, fighting, distance, money problems, intimacy issues, criticism, blame - you name it.

As I’ve mentioned before, there’s a lot of fluff about self-love these days. It’s one of those cliches that’s now become a tagline or t-shirt. I’m not talking about the superficial concept replete with catchphrases and quick fixes. I’m referring to an elemental understanding of your worth and contribution that is your birthright.

That’s why, whenever I work with a couple, I start with teaching them how to love themselves first.

Once that piece is taken care of, the relationship often falls right into place.

Insecurity Is About Fear

Let’s not withhold what is one of the most crucial truths about Love and life: Insecurity is about fear, and nowhere is this more common than in romantic relationship.

As soon as you start liking somebody, there is an almost instantaneous opposite feeling that emerges: fear.

What if this person doesn’t like me in return?

What if I say or do something that might give this person the wrong idea about me?

What if I miss my chance to say and do just the right thing?

And then, as you fall in love, the stakes get higher. The more you invest of yourself, the higher the fear climbs.

What if I get all wrapped up in this relationship and then it all comes crashing down?

Everybody Is At Least A Little Insecure

If a partner has ever told you you’re insecure, well guess what? He or she isn’t off the hook.

That’s because fear is a fundamental human emotion, and the desire to be loved is also fairly universal around the globe.

All of us yearn to love and be loved, so as soon as we have the inkling that we’ve met “someone” - and that a romantic relationship is possible - in creeps the icky shadow of fear.

Feeling insecure isn’t entirely a bad thing: Fear lets you know that something is out of harmony and needs to be looked at and that something can be learned when you welcome and get curious about your fear.

Problems happen when insecurity gets the better of you.

How To Tell If Insecurity Is Ruining Your Relationships

You’ll know insecurity is out of hand if you tend to become hypervigilant in relationships – especially an intimate relationship.

You’ll scan your partner for any sign that he’s not paying enough attention to you. You’ll drive yourself crazy after you catch them chatting with a attractive guest at a party.

No matter how many times your partner tells you they love you, it’s never enough.

You may get engaged, buy a house, get married, and have children, but there’s always this nagging feeling within you that your partner doesn’t really love you as much as you want to be loved.

You might even start to imagine that maybe they’re with you just out of duty, commitment, or habit.

You look for reasons why your partner isn’t happy with you - if he becomes interested in a new hobby, you think it’s because he’s just looking for an excuse to spend time away from you.

If she tells you about a new partner who just joined her firm, you’ll Google him and start to wonder if she might find him more attractive.

None of these things are probably true, but this is:

You’re Actually Creating The Very Situation You Fear Whenever you are operating out of fear like this, you push away love.

Excessive fear (in this case appearing as insecurity), makes it practically impossible to generate the good, positive experiences that promote romance and connection.

The more you worry that your partner will leave, the more tension is created. Instead of being loved, your partner may experience watched, oppressed, and inadequate.

By questioning your partner’s allegiance, you’re also sending the message that you don’t trust them to love you.

They may try to appease you and demonstrate just how much they love you, but if it’s never enough, this becomes a tiring way to live.

And before long, your worst nightmare comes trueyour partner wants to leave.

The Only Cure For Big Insecurity

When insecurity is steering your relationships, you can be sure of one thing:

YOU don’t love you.

On the surface, it may seem that insecurity is about how you relate to other people, but it’s really about how you relate to yourself.

If you don’t truly believe you are lovable exactly as you are, then you won’t give love to yourself first. You’re rejecting your core self, and because of this fundamental discrepancy, you’ll automatically fear rejection by other people.

Healthy long-term relationships require vulnerability, conflict, recommitment and reverence. Insecurity will commonly prevent the necessary depth of vulnerability (to unveil yourself enough to enjoy a profound connection) and the willingness to have conflict (because you’re too scared to possibly make waves and lose your partner).

So, until you commit to loving yourself and moving through your fear - and not abandoning yourself - you will never be fully happy in any relationship – especially an intimate relationship.

The way to put an end to this debilitating predicament is to completely take the focus off your romantic partner and put it squarely on yourself.

You must, above all else, commit to loving yourself first - no matter who sticks around.

The beautiful irony is that as soon as you do this, you discover that other people can’t get enough of you.

The Fastest Path To A Secure Relationship

After working with hundreds of singles and couples over the past several years, I’ve seen time and again that the fastest path to a secure relationship is to learn to love yourself first.

Once you learn to love yourself, life and love become much easier.

Your energy is no longer wrapped up in trying to avoid being rejected or hurt. It’s incredibly liberating.

Your relationships unfold with delightful spontaneity and fun.

Your partner’s love is like a wonderful bonus to your already fulfilling life - rather than this thing you have to grab on to for dear life.

Learning to love yourself is a powerhouse of a practice - and one that I’ve been guiding for decades - that I created the Soul Expansion: Conscious Loving and Living program.

We must learn to consciously love before we can truly consciously live. This process distills everything within Soul Expansion into the most effective path to transformation.

You’ll learn how to isolate the fears, doubts, and lack of self-acceptance that have led you down the dark path of insecurity - and are therefore keeping you from being truly happy in love.

It cuts right to the chase and tackles insecurity headon.

You are cordially invited to the rest of your life! Take the next step towards Soul Expansion with the gift of a Complimentary Session or call (619) 832-2750.

Learn how this innovative practice bypasses common bottlenecks faster than traditional therapy to celebrate your purpose with clarity, awareness, and personal strength!

Daniel Allen is a writer, speaker, and spiritual & emotional counselor on the subject of relationships (including the one we hold with ourselves), and an advocate for Love and raising consciousness. For more information or article suggestions please visit www.SoulExpansion.com, email info@SoulExpansion.com or call (619) 832-2750.