WHAT IS LOVE? 3 WAYS TO FEEL MORE LOVE THAN EVER THIS VALENTINES DAY

By Olivia Fellus, L.A.c, Dipl.OM

Society emphasizes all facets of romantic love. From the fledgling, chemically entrancing stages, featuring entwined legs resting languidly together under a coffee table, private conversations exchanged between irises, to the deeply committed, and domesticated love that endures strife and matures with time. The heart certainly plays a starring role, either swelling and overflowing with the warmth of connection and internal revival or tearing apart with dashed expectations and hurt feelings. Despite knowledge of the heart’s precarious state, and it’s susceptibility to immense pain, a dreamy notion of love tantalizes the mass consciousness. I believe its time to define what authentic love truly means.

To understand the truth of love, first an understanding of what drives us to seek love is imperative. Perhaps humanity’s quest for love stems from our innate connectedness to all the universe, and for some, as souls having a human experience, we yearn to return to Onenness, to merge once again with the Divine. Many written accounts of people who have had near death, out of body experiences state the immense overwhelming sensation of love and light engulfing their entire being, and how beautiful and familiar that sensation felt, so much so that they never wanted to return to earth. This wide knowledge of Universal Love thus validates the fact that love is something that we share and recognize at a core level. Regardless of one’s spiritual or religious beliefs, its fair to state that all humans have a shared innate desire to feel love and connection.

Love makes our souls sing and seems to make life worth living. Besides for the flood of oxytocin rushing through our systems when in love, there is an increase in self confidence, validation, overall self esteem etc. The world and normal outside scenery take on a brighter and more defined hue. Everything looks and feels better when you are in love. That is, until reality hits about six months to two years after the honeymoon period has worn off. After the haze dissipates, tensions arise, as true natures are revealed and triggers become more sharp and apparent. Where has the love suddenly gone? Was it even there to begin with?

The answer depends on what brought the two people together in the first place. Now here lies the difference between true love and false love. True love comes from giving. Why is this? Think of the yin and yang symbol. Two halves flowing into one another, in a perpetual dance of giving and receiving. Giving ignites the flow of energy for us to receive. When we embody the role of giver we emulate Universal Energy. Thus the highest vibration of love is to give.

Interestingly, the hebrew word for love is “ahava”, the root being “hav” or “to give”. It is an unselfish act. True love is about compromise and tuning in to our significant other’s needs. We are asked to yield. Genuine love exists when giving is the goal, not taking. How many relationships fester when both parties are looking to get?

Unfortunately, many desire love because they feel lonely, and thus are seeking companionship to fill a painful void. And while understandable, this purpose sadly does not yield true lasting contentment, because the relationship is conditional. When we enter a connection expecting to receive from another, rather than what we can give, we are acting from a disempowered, lack based state. And the outcome is often massive disappointment when the long list of our unmet expectations turn the love sour over time. When the “love” eventually ends, suddenly, all the feelings of euphoria, self confidence, and dare I say “self love” that we were infused with in the early stages of connection dissipate as quickly as they rushed in, because the relationship was based on external validation. When we feel an internal lack, a vacuum exists which we are hungry to fill. Rather, true love is unconditional and eternal, existing whether or not we are involved in a romantic connection, or are experiencing any gradient of love from the external environment. Equanimity is es- sential for attracting true love. That means whether or not you receive it from the outside, your internal state remains the same. Another person cannot take away from you the love that you cultivate within your self.

Certainly we must respect our own boundaries and voice our personal needs as well, making sure to avoid the dangerous pattern of codependency, where we fail to show up authentically in relationships. Attempting to control the other’s reactions, and not “rock the boat” by squashing our true feelings, wants and desires is a recipe for disaster.

How do we avoid codependency whilst developing healthy Yin and Yang interdependency? We speak up respectfully, with sensitivity when we disagree with another, or when we need space by ourselves to recharge. We also respect our loved one’s needs and boundaries, and together come to a place of unity and compromise. Certainly this takes some sacrifice on both of our parts. There is a Jewish saying in the Torah that marriage is akin to the splitting of the Red Sea, which was a miraculous event in biblical history. This is the nature of genuine connection. Love is beautiful and magical but it requires work, and there is an element of going against natures, to acknowledge the uniqueness of two completely separate beings with different personalities and perspectives, and to somehow merge them so that they can work together and grow simultaneously as a united whole. A couple that encourages and supports one another’s separate dreams whilst holding hands walking together along the same path, is one whose love is built on a strong foundation. And that is a recipe for longevity.

Our closest one on one relationships are designed to trigger us the most, because they often mirror the parts of ourselves that we deny or project onto others. Our significant others especially tend to mirror our own internal shadows. And this is a gift. Triggers are essential for self growth, and relationships are where we have the largest opportunity to grow. If we recognize this, we can transmute our own darkness to light and experience a transcendental love that is truly lasting. But firstly, to attract love we must cultivate it from within.

How do we do this?

1. Express Gratitude Daily

Gratitude shows you are happy and content with what you have now, and creates a container for you to receive more abundance. When you see the love surrounding you, in the appreciation for the blessings already in your life, the Universe provides you with more. Wake up in the morning and write down three things you are grateful for each day. Our external environment reflects what we feel on the inside. Gratitude helps you feel good internally, you recognize even simply being alive is a gift. And if you feel good then you begin to see all the good that surrounds you, and you end up attracting more good energy into your vortex.

2. Give Yourself the Love you Desire

We talk about desiring love, but we fail to address the deeper more hidden side of feeling deserving of it. A lot of us don’t attract love because we don’t really believe we are worthy of it. True love blooms from within. And only from that empowered, internal foundation can we then authentically show up for and give to another.

In order to bring about what we want in life it’s essential to feel the emotions associated with our hearts desires. If it is love, then we must already do loving things for ourselves, shower ourselves with attention and care, and speak to ourselves with understanding, and tenderness. How are we supposed to expect someone else to give us what we refuse to give to ourselves?

So I invite you to buy yourself roses, or take yourself on a dinner date. Wake up early and make sure your bed is made before you leave for the day. Little acts of self care resonate deeply over time. Furthermore, ignite the energy wheel and become a giver. Buy someone else flowers or a card on Valentines Day, one who you know is not in a relationship. Call an elderly family member, and give the gift of your time. Do so with the genuine intention of giving without ulterior motives, and witness how you feel after such an act. You may notice you feel more love from within.

3. Become Growth Oriented

An epidemic of delusion permeates the air. The delusion of entitlement. We are living in a society that lauds “cancel culture”, and blasts trigger warnings without a beat, overemphasizing the Self, usually at the expense of self accountability and compromise. Frighteningly, even many therapists unknowingly tend to encourage a victim mindset within their patients, by focusing too much on past trauma and on difficult parental upbringing. A person can thus remain stuck in thinking that life is happening to them, and keep on blaming outside situations and people for their pain, instead of taking charge of their own healing.

Falling in love is an act of surrender, and there is naturally an element of relinquishing a part of the Self in order to merge with energetically another. This is where the ego tends to get triggered.

Ego clashes are common sources of strife between significant others, and arrogance, often stemming from fear, kills all types of once loving connections. Often times people complain of being controlled in a relationship, when they are in fact the one with the control issues, refusing to compromise. As a caveat, abusive or narcissistic behavior should never be tolerated. Compromise and accountability is essential from both parties. Saying this, usually the refusal to compromise is due to fear from past traumas and pain, perhaps from toxicities carried over from former relationships. Avoid the temptation to project your fears onto your partner. Recognize when your reactivity flares up, and realize that your ego is the culprit. Fully notice that your fear is what really lies behind the ego, and commit to feel your feelings fully. Where in your body do you feel the fear? Understand that this is just a feeling, and according to the late Dr David Hawkins, author of Letting Go, a survival program designed by the ego and let it go. See compromise as an act of love and understanding towards your partner, and that it doesn’t mean you are weak or “bending your will” to them. See it as a self growth exercise. Those who are truly strong exhibit humility.

This Valentines Day, ignite love from within and ask yourself what vibration of love do you want to attract in your life. Do you want to be a receiver, or do you want to be a giver?

Olivia Fellus, L.A.c, Dipl.OM, is a licensed acupuncturist, Chinese Medicine herbalist.

And treats at her own practice, Ascend Healing, in San Diego California. She endeavors to utilize her medical training, skills, natural compassion and developed intuition to help her patients ascend to their ultimate wellness.

Olivia finds balance, inner peace, and joy not only in practicing the ancient healing arts of Chinese Medicine, but also in pursuing her passion for rock climbing, hiking and adventuring in the great outdoors.

Learn more about Olivia and her offerings at www. ascendhealing.com

BY BART MENDOZA