CHATTER Book Club Kit

Chatter Book Club Kit For the General Reader For the Educator For the Parent & Caretaker For the Mental Healthcare Professional For the Business Leader For the Athlete & Coach

Ethan Kross

For the General Reader 1.

Discuss a time when you felt you were impacted by your own mental chatter. Were you able to work your way through it? If so, what tactics did you use? Were any of those tactics similar to those described by Kross?

2. Kross explains that our childhood caretakers can have a strong influence on our internal voice as we develop. Do you recognize the influence of your childhood caretakers on your inner voice now? Why or why not?

3. In Andrew Irving’s study of New Yorkers’ recorded internal speech, he observed that people’s inner monologues “often landed on negative content with utterly no transition, like a gaping pothole appearing suddenly on the unspooling road of thought.” Why do you think people are often drawn to the negative?

4. According to a study cited in chapter one, what people are thinking about at a given time is often “a better predictor of their happiness than what they [are] actually doing.” Did this surprise you? Why or why not?

5. After an incredible high school baseball career, pitcher Rick Ankiel was drafted by the Cardinals. During his first full year in the majors, at age 21, Ankiel was the starting pitcher against the Braves in game one of the playoffs. Despite having pitched at an elite level for nearly his whole life, Ankiel struggled during that high-stress game. He began to throw wild pitch after wild pitch—something he had never done before—due in part to the stress he was experiencing. Have you ever experienced a time when chatter undermined your ability to perform well? Were you able to overcome your mental block?

Why or why not?

6. In chapter two, Kross outlines a set of studies conducted in the 1980s and 1990s by Bernard Rimé in which he uncovered that, regardless of gender, age, culture, or geographical location, people are very strongly motivated to talk to others about most of their negative experiences. Why do you think this is the case? Who do you most often turn to when you’re looking to share your negative experiences? Does talking to them make you feel better or worse?

7.

With the advent of social media, human beings “overshare more than ever before,” according to Kross. How has social media changed the way that you express your thoughts and emotions to your friends, family, and peers? Do you think it has had a positive or negative impact on your relationships? Does observing other people share their emotions on social media impact you in any way?

8. In 2011, Kross and his colleagues conducted a study that discovered that brain regions involved in physical pain also play a role in people’s experience of emotional pain. The findings suggested that when people say their “feelings hurt” they may actually be referring to physical pain in their body. Have you had the experience of feeling emotional pain in your body?

Can you describe it?

9. In chapter three, Kross writes, “We can’t see ourselves with the same distance and insight with which we see others.”

Does this ring true to you? Can you recall any examples of this from your own life?

10. Kross describes the phenomenon of the “shrinking of the self,” or moments “when you feel smaller in the midst of awe-inspiring sights . . . [and] so do your problems.” Have you ever experienced this shrinking of the self? When? Did you notice an impact on your chatter in that moment?

11. Kross defines ritual and routine differently, describing rituals—which help to quiet chatter—as actions that “consist of a rigid sequence of behaviors often performed in the same order” and which “are infused with meaning.” What are some rituals you have in your life? Do you see them as different from your routines? How do you and your family benefit from rituals?

12. Many of us would like to have an inner voice that is consistently positive and uplifting. However, Kross argues that “you wouldn’t want to live a life without an inner voice that upsets you some of the time. It would be like braving the sea in a boat with no rudder.” Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

13. In what ways do you think changing the conversations you have with yourself has the potential to change your life?

For the Business Leader 1.

Has chatter ever impacted your decision-making at work? When faced with chatter as you encounter a difficult business question, how do you cope?

2.

As a business leader, can you still lead effectively when overcome or plagued by chatter? Why or why not?

3.

If you lead or mentor a team, have you noticed particular moments that lead to chatter amongst your employees? Why do you think these scenarios lead to the most chatter?

4.

How might you be a better “chatter advisor” to your employees or teammates? Are there any tools outlined in Chatter that you think would be particularly helpful in the workplace?

5. Rituals help people keep order in their life and, in turn, keep their chatter from overwhelming them. What rituals have you established within your company or immediate team? Are there any rituals you might want to establish after having read Chatter?

6. Kross defines wisdom as “recognizing the limits of one’s own knowledge, becoming aware of the varied contexts of life and how they may unfold over time, acknowledging other people’s viewpoints, and reconciling opposing perspectives.” How important is it for you to make wise decisions? Do you use any of the techniques that Kross describes to promote wisdom when you’re grappling with uncertainty? Why or why not?

7.

Several studies discussed in Chatter describe how being outside or simply viewing nature has a positive effect on mental health—but typical office work these days is far removed from the great outdoors. During moments of high stress, how might you encourage your team to take advantage of the effects that nature can have on chatter? If you work in an urban setting, are there ways that you can reap the mental benefits of the great outdoors without venturing far from the office?

8.

How can you help your team reframe major business problems they encounter in their work as challenges, rather than threats they should fear? Is this reframing technique a method you use yourself?

9.

Employees and teammates aside, are there particular tools outlined in Chatter that help you mitigate your own chatter?

Discuss the benefits employees would experience if their leaders experienced less chatter.

10. Kross reviews work suggesting that culture can influence both what people experience chatter about, and the tools they use to turn their inner voice into a strength rather than a liability. Does the organizational culture you’re a part of speak to issues concerning chatter? What concrete steps could you and your organization take to create a culture that empowers employees to harness their inner voice more effectively?

For the Parent & Caretaker 1.

Discuss the role that parents play in helping young children develop the ability to manage their emotions. As Kross writes in chapter one, children often repeat directives from their parents out loud before learning to internalize that speech: “This doesn’t mean that we always end up doing what our parents want—our verbal stream eventually develops its own unique contours which creatively direct our behavior—but these early developmental experiences do have a significant influence on us.” How do you think you have impacted your children and their verbal stream? Do you see the impact of your influence in action in your children now?

2. Do you ever find yourself being negatively affected by chatter when trying to parent your children? If so, what tools do you use (if any) to manage this chatter?

3. Can you tell when your children are being negatively impacted by their chatter? Do you or your children feel comfortable discussing chatter together—even if you might have used another word for it in the past (e.g., worry, rumination, anxiety, stress)?

4. Kross and his colleagues published a study in 2014 demonstrating that “the more time people spent passively scrolling through Facebook, peering in on the lives of others, the more envy they felt and the worse they subsequently felt.” Discuss how this impacts the lives of our children. What are the positive and negative impacts of children growing up with social media? What are the major differences in how your children are growing up now versus how you grew up? What positive and negative implications do these differences have for your children’s chatter?

5. How can you be a better “chatter advisor” to your children? If you have multiple children, would you advocate different tools for reducing chatter for each child? What are the different tactics you would take with different children? Would their age and personality influence how you advise them?

6. Who do you turn to when you are looking for parenting advice? In other words, who are your parenting “chatter advisors?”

What is it about speaking to this person or these people that helps quiet your chatter?

7.

Kross argues that human beings have trouble viewing themselves “with the same distance and insight with which we see others.” Are you able to view your children—and whatever issues might be causing them distress and excess chatter—with proper distance and insight? As a parent, do you ever feel that you are “too close” to help your child effectively?

8. How can you help your child reframe their problems as challenges, rather than threats?

9. Kross talks about how even the most well-intentioned attempts of people to provide those they care for with sound advice can backfire when they aren’t explicitly asked for help. Have you experienced this with your children? How have you dealt with it? Are there ways of invisibly helping your children manage their chatter that you’ve found particularly useful?

10. Rituals help people keep order in their life and, in turn, keep their chatter from overwhelming them. What rituals have you established within your family? Are there any rituals you might want to establish having read Chatter?

11. What do you hope your children would gain from changing the conversations they have with themselves?

In what ways might changing those internal conversations impact your relationship with them?

For the Mental Healthcare Professional 1.

Many forms of talk therapy require people to reflect on their thoughts and feelings. Yet, as Kross observes, introspection often does “significantly more harm than good” to people experiencing distress. How can you help clients reflect on their inner states without eliciting chatter?

2. Kross argues that “the inner voice is valuable not in spite of the pain it causes us, but because of it.” Do you agree?

Why or why not?

3.

Kross asks, “do the countless ‘voices’ of others we encounter on social media affect the voices in our minds?” Discuss this question in the context of what you see with your clients. If you have been practicing since before the widespread adoption of social media, have you seen a difference in your clients before and after? Do you think social media is overall benefitting or negatively impacting society? Do you think it is possible for your clients to strategically use social media to improve rather than harm their well-being? If so, how?

4.

Do you ever find yourself suffering from chatter when trying to help a client in a professional setting? What tactics have you used to help mitigate your chatter? Are they similar to those that Kross suggests?

5. Kross reviews research on “Solomon’s Paradox,” the idea that it is easier to counsel others than it is to counsel ourselves.

Do you find this to be true in your own experiences? If so, how do you make sense of the fact that you can offer advice to others that is so useful but often stumble in following that advice in your own life?

6. Kross argues that when we are helping others in distress, we need to provide them “the comfort of Kirk and the intellect of Spock”—or, in other words, we need to offer the right balance of social and cognitive support to help them deal with their problems constructively and avoid the slippery slope of rumination. How do you strike that balance with your patients? Do you find that some patients require different amounts of Kirk versus Spock?

7.

According to a study cited in chapter one, typically what people are thinking about at a given time is “a better predictor of their happiness than what they [are] actually doing.” Do you see evidence of this in your practice?

8. Kross writes that our default state is to “decouple” from the present, “our brains transporting us to past events, imagined scenarios, and other internal musings.” Do you ever find it difficult to harness your chatter to remain present in your work?

Do your clients have difficulty staying present during sessions? If so, what tactics do you use to help you and them remain focused on the task at hand?

9. At the end of Chatter, Kross explains that the human brain has evolved to provide us with a voice in our heads that can help us celebrate the good while making the best out of the bad in our lives. How might you help your clients differentiate between this voice and the din of the chatter in their heads?

10. According to Kross, people “wouldn’t want to live a life without an inner voice that upsets you some of the time. It would be like braving the sea in a boat with no rudder.” Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not? Do you think your opinion would be different if you weren’t in the mental healthcare profession?

For the Educator 1.

As an educator, how might you determine if a student is being negatively impacted by chatter? Would you do something to help them, whether they bring their concerns to you or not? What would you do?

2. A large study of middle schoolers found that students who were more prone to rumination were also more likely to talk to their peers. But the more they talked to their peers, the more likely they were to experience negative outcomes like: feelings of social rejection, being the target of gossip and rumors, and even being threatened with violence. Have you seen this in action with your students? Why do you think it happens? Have you tried to intervene? Why or why not?

3.

Discuss some ways you could be a better “chatter advisor” to your students. Are there ways you might help them learn to be chatter advisors to their fellow classmates?

4. Students likely have varied levels of skill in quieting and harnessing their chatter depending on their age and grade level.

Would you suggest different tools to your students depending on their grade or maturity level? What would you suggest to your younger students? What would you suggest to the older ones?

5. Today’s students are growing up in a world ruled by social media. What do you consider to be social media’s biggest impact on the mental health of students in this generation? Are there ways of using social media to help people combat chatter?

6. Rituals can help people keep order in their life and, in turn, keep their chatter from overwhelming them. Do you have any rituals within your classroom? Are there any rituals you might want to establish with your students after having read Chatter?

7.

Kross writes that our default state is to “decouple” from the present, “our brains transporting us to past events, imagined scenarios, and other internal musings.” Do you notice your students having difficulty staying present in the classroom?

How might you mitigate their tendency to mind-wander?

8. Do you experience chatter in the workplace as an educator? If so, do you find it impacts your ability to teach? In what scenarios have you experienced it?

9. Are there any mentors or coworkers in your life who you can turn to when you are facing challenges that provoke chatter in your classroom? What do you find useful vs. unuseful about their advice?

10. Do you think changing the conversations you have with yourself would help you be a more effective educator? Would helping change the conversations your students have with themselves impact your ability to teach them and their ability to perform well in school ? Why or why not?

For the Athlete & Coach 1.

Many professional sports require quick thinking in moments of high stress—sometimes calling for split-second decisions on a moment’s notice. Under such circumstances, athletes need to rely on their automatic habits to excel, which is precisely what Kross says chatter can undo. Do you find that you or the athletes you coach face issues with chatter during high-pressure sport situations? Which of the tools outlined in Chatter would be most effective in these high-stakes environments to prevent choking and help athletes excel?

2.

Does the voice in your head motivate or demotivate you during a tough competition or moments of pressure during a game or match?

3. Do you ever “talk to yourself” during a competition to psych yourself up? Do you think the conversations you have with yourself influence your performance? What types of self-talk do you find particularly helpful? Why do you think different types of self-talk help or harm performance?

4.

After an incredible high school baseball career, pitcher Rick Ankiel was drafted by the Cardinals. During his first full year in the majors, at age 21, Ankiel was the starting pitcher against the Braves in game one of the playoffs. Despite having pitched at an elite level for nearly his whole life, Ankiel struggled during that high-stress game. He began to throw wild pitch after wild pitch—something he had never done before—due in part to the stress he was experiencing. Have you ever experienced something similar in your sports career? Were you able to overcome your mental block? Why or why not?

5.

Although the value of being able to manage stress under high-stakes conditions is increasingly recognized as a key for achieving athletic excellence, some athletes and coaches are reluctant to talk about the role that chatter plays in athletic performance. Why do you think this is? How can you help create a culture where talking about chatter is commonplace and accepted?

6. Discuss how you can be a better “chatter advisor” to your teammates or athletes.

7.

Athletics is a field that requires peak physical performance. How do you balance the physical demands on your body with the mental demands on your mind in the form of stress and anxiety? Are there particular moments when you train or compete that trigger chatter? What strategies that Kross describes can you use to mitigate that chatter going forward?

8. Kross writes that our default state is to “decouple” from the present, “our brains transporting us to past events, imagined scenarios, and other internal musings.” Do you ever find it difficult to harness your chatter to remain present during a game or competition?

9. Do you or your athletes participate in any rituals to help focus before a game, match, or competition? Why or why not?

Are there any rituals you might want to establish having read Chatter?

10. Discuss which of the tools outlined in Chatter might be the most helpful to you as an athlete or coach. Why do those tools in particular seem to be the most fitting for your profession? Are there any that wouldn’t work for you or your athletes? How will you implement them moving forward?