Moody Blues by Jay L Harris

MOODY BLUES

A REAL FCK'D UP SITUATION

A Jay L Harris Story

I don’t even know if you’re real!

What the hell?!

I don’t even know if you’re real, she slurred for a second time.

I know she was recovering from surgery, and I shouldn’t be asking her such a serious question. But hell, I was scared. I just got orders to leave for a mission. Very unexpected - well, not the mission, the fact that I had to go. I was 2 months from retiring; but hell, it’s the army. Before I knew it, I was yelling at her.

Tell me that to my face!

What? I heard her say in a daze. I repeated the words again. She said “Oooh,” like she was shocked to hear the words. Confused, she asked me, Why would you ask me for money? I hadn’t asked her for money. I had asked her to help me pay for the internet until I got my bank account situated. I know; I know. It does sound shady; but honestly, I wouldn’t have asked her had I known she would react the way she did. Let me rewind and go all the way back to the beginning . . . .

Picture it: Sicily 1920 . . . No, just kidding. I am a fan of The Golden Girls and always wanted to say that (in my Sophia voice). Seriously, it was in the midst of the COVID-19 Pandemic. Stuck on base away from my mother and child, I was lonely and spending most of my time in the gym. I was sharing my thoughts about dating with a friend, and he suggested I try online dating. I thought it had been a few years since my wife died and I needed to get my head back in the game. Up late one night drinking rum and Coke, I made a profile on the dating app for plus size women and those who love them. Being a man of certain stature, I like my women thick; and I figured this app would give me what I like. To my surprise, I met quite a few nice ladies, but one lady stood out above all the rest. She was easy to talk to and super nice. I must admit she had a picture on her profile where she was wearing this red lipstick and my manhood jumped. I could picture those lips all over my body. I read her profile at least 3 times before I got the courage to say something to her. Before I knew it we were exchanging numbers and chatting everyday. I enjoyed our talks on the phone and texting everyday. The Army was keeping me busy, and we were on COVID lockdown; so we never got the opportunity to meet in person. Before I knew it, six months had passed, and I was in love with this woman. Unlike her, I didn’t have any doubts that we would be together. But she had her doubts, and rightfully so. I broke my iphone, and I was too cheap to buy another one; and outside of my work laptop, I didn’t own a computer. Most of my time was spent working long ass shifts. All I wanted to do when I got home from work was text or call her and go to bed. I was planning to surprise her for Christmas when I got the news.

Damn! I didn’t know how I was going to break it to her. We talked briefly about my job in the Army. She knew I couldn’t disclose too much information, and she seemed to be ok with that until the night I asked about the internet. When she told me no, I was truly ok with it. I knew I was taking a chance by asking her; but like I said, I am in love with her and thought we were on the same page. But her drug-enhanced cry said we weren’t. Even though she wasn’t yelling at me, her soft voice revealed to me her fears. She didn’t know me. She’d never met me. How could I ask her to trust me, when I didn’t put forth the simple effort into our meeting? For the first time, I heard her anxiety. Every time, she asked me, “When are we going to meet? Can we do a video chat?” And I always put her off - not on purpose, but because of my job and current circumstances. Now, I was leaving and I couldn’t even tell her how long I’d be gone. Damn, G; I really fucked up. I knew the moment she said those words, I just became her worst nightmare. I made all of her fears come true. I was a shady ass nigga catfishing her. I knew she was doing Google searches on me. She thought she was slick with all the questions she asked. I went along with it, playing dumb. Then one day she asked for my late wife’s name and that triggered me. I asked her what she wanted to do with her name. She backed off but I knew in that moment, I cemented doubt in her mind. The only thing I could think of was that I didn’t ask her about her ex, and she shouldn’t ask about mine. I couldn’t tell her that it was still hard for me to talk about my wife, that I kept her close to my heart, and that she was not someone I wanted to talk about. That’s why I referred to her as my daughter’s mother. It was easier for me to compartmentalize my feelings about her.

Here we were on the phone. I was trying to convince the new woman who made me laugh to forget about my problems, that I need her; and she’s telling me that she didn’t even know if I was real. When I asked her what she wanted me to do about my job and meeting her, her words l rang in my ear: “Figure it out, G!” I repeated the words to myself. She was right. I should have figured out a way to make us work. I should have done everything to soothe her fears, but I didn’t do that. I chose my job, my duty to the country, and I expected her to understand and to trust me when all my actions said otherwise. I knew I had fucked up and there was no way to fix this. I was in an undisclosed location, and she was in Georgia. Nothing I said to her would ever gain her trust back - no amount of pleading with her that she is the only person I needed to talk to everyday. She was gone. I knew it. I tried to hold on to us because it was late and I didn't want our conversation to end this way; but the next day, I guess after she was more alert, she asked me to explain what happened. Mad at myself, I took my anger out on her and told her to drop it and I would talk to her when I got back home. Even then, she was soft and sweet and said, “If that’s what you like . . .” She texted me, “Do you want to go our separate ways?” but deleted it. Well, at least she tried to delete it before I saw it, but I did. The last words she texted to me were Thank you for being so nice to me. Inside, my heart broke; but I’m a soldier, so I had to keep my composure. I texted back You’re welcome. I hope you recover well. Who says that? Why didn’t I apologize and convince her to stay? You know why? Because I was an asshole asking a beautiful woman to trust and love me blindly, knowing it would be unfair to

ask her to wait on me. I did what I thought was best. I blocked her. Yes, I became a bigger asshole and cut off communications with her. It was better for her to think I was a scam than to have her waiting in vain. I love her too much to let her suffer over me. Anyway, I’m used to hiding my pain; and my focus needed to be on the mission and getting home to my baby. That’s all that mattered. At least that’s what I told myself. Besides, I still had our text history on the app. Right? Damn! She deleted the whole thread, even the ones from that late-night conversation. Yes! After that night it was over. What’s fucked up, I want to marry this woman. We talked about a small vineyard wedding. The uncertainty of the pandemic allowed us to let our guards down. Damn! I hate that I fucking blocked her . . . .

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