Anniversary Issue.pdf

PRETTY

SMART CHICS

Our Year in Review: COME CELEBRATE WITH US!

Look at how we've grown !

It's Our ANniversary

Volume 2, Issue 1

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CONTENTS 4 FROM THE HEART Happy Anniversary, from Dr. O 8 "One MOMParent's SPACE Perspective on Adapting to the Pandemic"

by L. Renee James-Griffin

10 TIME TO SPRING CLEAN YOUR BUDGET

by Tara Opie

14 JOY & STYLE

"Spruce Up Your Spring Wardrobe without Spending a Dime"

by Jay L Harris

18 THE MAN CAVE

6 MEET OUR STAFF! A sneak peak at your PSC family

"Do You Know How to Be Happy?"

by Alex Howard

20

THE COMMUNITY CORNER

with Toyshebia Napper

23 "MOODY BLUES: A REAL F'CKD UP SITUATION" flash fiction by Jay L Harris

FROM THE

with Dr. O

Dr. Ondra Krouse Dismukes

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!

Cue music!

"Celebrate good times, Come on! (Kool and the Gang) Why? Do you know what today is? Come on, all my Tony! Toni! Tone’! fans: "It’s our anniversary! (Yeah, anniversary)" (Tony! Toni! Tone'!)

That’s right, Pretties! This issue marks our one-year anniversary; and oh, what a year it has been! From our inaugural issue, Who’s that Chic? to our focus on self-care, and from our Happy Holidays issue to Activate Your Dreams in 2022, Pretty Smart Chics has enjoyed elevating and celebrating the unapologetically bold, brilliant, beautiful black woman in the areas of health, wealth, style, and spirituality. Our writers have enjoyed covering topics of interest to you, and we welcome you to our family. Here’s who we are: Pretty Smart Chics is the brainchild of our Creative Director, Jay L Harris, Owner of Jay L Harris Creative Werks. After helping to launch an online magazine with a different company, Jay L returned to her solopreneurial journey to launch Pretty Smart Chics. Whether inspiring us with branding and style hacks or igniting our passions with her Chronicles of Zeus stories, Jay L has proven true to her calling as a certified joy coach. In this issue, Jay L continues to inspire us as the editor of our newest column, Joy & Style; and she tempts our senses in her latest work of flash fiction, “Moody Blues: A Real F'ckd Up Situation” . . . . You gotta read it!

Joining Jay L as an original member of our Pretty Smart Chics family, L. Renee James-Griffin brings her experience as a writer, educator, wife, and mom. Renee is Co-Owner of TLM Language Services, where she serves as Managing Editor of the online magazine The Linguistique Mystique: An Ezine for Writers, which she and Jay L launched together in 2020.

Since our first issue, Rene has edited our Momspace column, where she offers insightful advice on finding that oh-so-necessary work-life balance as a working mom. In this issue, Renee offers insight into adapting to the COVID-19 pandemic, an ever daunting task for working moms, particularly as new variants continue to emerge.

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FROM THE

with Dr. O Continued from p. 4

Dr. Ondra Krouse Dismukes

Another PSC OG, Toyshebia Napper has brought her practical knowledge as a social worker to her role as editor of our Community Corner column. From self-care to politics to activism, Toyshebia helps us explore resources in our own communities that help us live our best lives. In this Spring issue, Toyshebia reminds us that as we do our Spring cleaning, our lives could use some refreshing, too; and she considers resources in our own communities to help us achieve this goal.

Pretty Smart Chics has been honored to have Alex Howard join our team as the editor of the Man Cave column. Alex joins our family as a professional blogger, fiction writer, and dad. He bears the awesome burden as the lone male voice on our team and our honorary purveyor of a coveted male perspective. Bless him! In this issue, Alex poses the question “Do You Know How to Be Happy?” and helps us to channel our inner Will Smith in slapping away our misery in pursuit of happiness (See what I did there?).

One of proudest moments this past year, of course, has been welcoming new contributing writers to our team! Tara Opie, Owner and CEO of Tara K. Specializes, joined our family as a Contributing Writer in our Summer 2020 Pleasure Principle issue, sharing financial advice in “Budgeting for Things that Bring Us Pleasure.” Since then, she has given tips for “Budgeting for Holiday Joy” and even for saving for emergencies. In this issue, we are honored to introduce Tara as our wealth expert in her latest article that urges it’s “Time to Spring Clean Your Budget.”

Thanks to Tara and to you, our readers, Pretty Smart Chics continues to grow; and we'd love for you to join us, too! Email us at hello@prettysmartchics.com to find out how you can join our Pretty Smart Chics family. Mention "Contributing Writer" in the subject line.

Until then, ENJOY! From our hearts to yours: Thank you!

-Dr. O

Credits: Kool & the Gang. "Celebration." Celebrate. 1980. https://genius.com/Kool-and-the-gang-celebration-lyrics Tony! Toni! Tone'!. "Anniversary." Sons of Soul. 14 September 1993. https://genius.com/Tony-toni-tone-anniversary-lyrics

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Meet Our Staff (aka The brains behind the Pretty)

Dr. O

Renee

Dr. Ondra Dismukes is an Associate Professor of English at local community college, Owner of O'Writes Editing and Writing Coaching Services, and Editor in Chief of The Linguistique Mystique: An Ezine for Writers and Pretty Smart Chics Ezine.

Her research interests include American Literature, African American Literature, Women’s Studies, and Dance. She received her Ph.D. in English from the University of Georgia in 2012.

Dr. Dismukes currently resides in Snellville, Georgia, with her husband, LaMont; their two children, Phillip and Phalyn, and their dog, Alexis.

L. Renee James-Griffin is a language arts teacher in Milton, Georgia, an adjunct professor at Gwinnett Technical College in Lawrenceville, Georgia and partner with TLM Language Services She is a former GA Pre-K teacher and staff writer who has written articles for magazines, newspapers, and other publications. She has worked with inner-city students, church youth ministries, public schools, and Boys Scouts of America. She currently manages the blog Writing with Kids.

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Continued from p. 6

Toyshebia

Toyshebia is a Behavioral Health Assistant, Lead for Fulton County Behavioral Health and Developmental Disabilities Department. She has a degree in Psychology from Valdosta State University. Ms. Napper has over 15 years of experience in social outreach, volunteer coordination, project development, training, and social work. She has worked for various agencies such as AID Atlanta and Avita Community Partners. Ms. Napper has collaborated with numerous non-profit organizations.

Her work in the community reflects her heart’s desire to improve the quality of life for all individuals.

Alex Howard is a father, writer, humorist, lover of Converse, and bearer of many aliases. Of his own admission, "If Julia Sugarbaker and Fred Sanford had a lovechild, it would be Alex."

Alex

Tara

Tara K. is a mother of three, a graduate from Independence University with a degree in Accounting with an emphasis of Forensic Accounting, and a minority business owner. Before then, she managed a small business for several years learning the needs and wants of small business owners. She has been practicing accounting and bookkeeping since 2016 with clients all over the world. She started Tara K. Specializes, LLC in 2019 with the goal of helping small business owners achieve financial health. She has published two books entitled How to Monetize Your Niche in 90 Days and Simple Credit Repair.

One Parent’s Perspective on Adapting to the Pandemic Who knew the events of 2020 would still be impacting our lives two years later? I’m talking about COVID-19. This world-wide pandemic has altered our environment in a multitude of ways. We went from being carefree and spending time with friends to distancing ourselves, wearing masks, and settling for connecting with others via electronics. We’ve had to adapt, adjust like never before, . . . and constantly! Unfortunately, one of the groups that has been affected the most is parents. The pandemic has been a never-ending crash course in adapting to our new normal as we (parents) have had to take on additional roles in the home.

When COVID-19 was at its peak - and I say this hoping the worst is over - schools and businesses closed, forcing parents to work from home while homeschooling their kids, feeding their families, and keeping their sanity. We often focus on the impact situations have on our kids, but rarely do we address the impact they have on us as adults. In the midst of the pandemic, parents like myself found ourselves adding new titles to our long list of duties.

Remote Employees. Homeschooled Teachers. Tutors. Safety Monitors. Sanity Keepers.

Forced to work from home, we (parents) had to pivot to learn how to transfer the work we did everyday in an office to at home remotely. On top of that, we had to adapt to working alongside our kids as they learned to navigate remote learning. Many parents made the hard choice to homeschool their children full time, while others settled for the hybrid approach. This may not seem like a big deal, but some parents found their new normal overwhelming. Parents who were used to going into an office everyday to work and socialize now found themselves staring at the same four walls day in and day out. Those same parents often had to alternate working with helping their children sign on remotely (Some had specific times they had to sign on.) and/or flat out teaching the lesson of the day. Not everyone is a multitasker or a teacher.

Some

thrive

off

of

social

interactions

and

working

remotely,

curbing

their

creativity/productivity.

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Continued from p. 8 In my previous blogs, I mentioned that I am a parent, but you may not know that I am also a teacher.

Even with both of those roles, I found it hard to adapt to remote working and learning. I constantly worried about how I was going to get my work done and help my daughters, who are in elementary school, complete their work as well. I am a literature teacher (for high school and college) and it was frustrating as hell to help my girls with their math assignments. I can teach them how to solve a problem; but the new strategies my girls are required to implement make no sense to me, and my way confuses them. So, I can imagine how other parents felt as they tried to help their children while working on their projects.

In between working and kids, we did laundry, put food on the table, entertained our darlings, and replaced our social activities with web and TV. When you have kids and work, parents like myself quickly realize there is little time for self. For instance, the physical act of driving to work was my refresh time. I listened to music or 107.9 as I drove to work. Along the way, I stopped for coffee and mentally prepared myself for the day. I could think about the mistakes I made the night before and/or the to-do list I needed today or this week. But COVID took that away. I suspect other parents found themselves in similar predicaments.

Fast forward to 2022: Schools and businesses have reopened, and several places do not require a mask any more. We are now post pandemic, but our environment has forever changed, especially for parents. First, let me say that I use the term post pandemic loosely since COVID is gaining momentum again, despite the availability of vaccines and booster shoots around the world. Some parents have made the tough choice to continue working from home and require their kids to work remotely instead of attending school face to face.

The height of the pandemic, the aftermath of the pandemic, and the possibilities of its return have taken a toll on parents like myself. We’ve had to adapt to a new normal. We constantly worry about keeping our kids safe, continuing their learning so they don’t fall behind, and keeping up with our own duties. It’s been hard on us physically, mentally, and spiritually; yet we continue to adapt everyday.

L. Renee credentials include a bachelor’s degree in English, a bachelor’s degree in journalism, a master's in fine arts in creative writing, and a master's of arts in secondary education.

Her love for the English language has propelled James-Griffin to instruct high school, freshman, and upper-level students on the art of words. In addition, she currently resides as one of the advisers of the Milton High School literary magazine, The Globe.

TIME TO SPRING CLEAN YOUR BUDGET

Tara Opie CONTRIBUTING WRITER CONTINUED ON P. 11

Time to Spring Clean Your Budget Continued from p. 10 Congratulations to Pretty Smart Chics Ezine for turning 1 this year!! It’s now time to freshen up your budget and learn how to clean, maintain, and grow your budget. Let’s talk about it.

Know How Much You Owe Do you know your numbers? Yes, we survived Christmas and Spring Break. We need to start thinking about how to make what we have grow. The first thing to do is look and see how much we currently owe overall. I found myself frustrated and in denial about what it would take to get my own finances together, so I’m sharing the first steps I took to take control of it.

Look at all payments that are owed and list them from the largest amount to the smallest. I recommend paying off the lowest balance first and using that money to pay down the next smallest bill. That process is coined the “snowball effect.” Take some time to think about what fees are attached to past due payments? How many extra payments were paid throughout the year? Think about and list what could have been done with that money instead.

Know Your Tax Bracket For the past several years, I have been a tax preparer for companies as well as independently. This past year, I have had clients who assumed that when the taxes are taken out this would cover all the taxes owed throughout the year. They were sorely surprised to learn that they owed the IRS even more. The worst part is that a penalty could be attached and even more would be owed. Let us look at what type of tax withholdings you will need to keep as much money in your pocket as possible.

IRS.gov shows the tax bracket and how it changes drastically between income levels.

Here is a quick example: If you make more than $9,950 or less after all the deductions, ($19,900 for married couples filing jointly), you would be paying 10% in your taxes each year, so most can expect a refund. Income above $9,951, your taxes owed raises to 22%. I have a tip to help keep the most in your wallet.

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Continued from p. 11

The HR department issues a W4 during the hiring process and you have the option to choose how much you would like to withhold each pay period. Here’s a link to a downloadable page. If you choose to use a number above zero in your state and federal withholdings, try to change it to 0 (zero) for federal and 0 (zero) for state; this will reduce your take-home pay throughout the tax year but reduce what you owe in January.

Choose Wise Investments The most common investments mentioned in the workplace are IRAs and 401(k)s. Yes, they are good for saving for retirement, but how much are you really getting out of it?

401(k) plans are employer based with options for the company to match contributions. An IRA, Individual Retirement Account, is made and funded by the person. Both have interest rates where the money grows over time.

Larger corporations have stock options where portions of their stock can be purchased instead, only offering whole shares. This makes investing much more accessible to everyone. Take some time to learn about what you like to purchase . Consider stores and products your family uses. You can round up your change and invest it in the gaming company your nephew is always on. I purchased stock in my local grocery store using Robinhood, E*Trade, and CashApp; and each quarter I receive and reinvest my dividend payment. This simple method will start to create a rainy-day fund.

For more smart money moves, follow me on social media @tkspecializes on Instagram and Facebook or visit my website: taraspecializes.com Credits: irs.gov. 2022 Form W-4. 1 January 2022. Document. 17 April 2022.

—. IRS provides tax inflation adjustments for tax year 2021. 26 October 2020. <irs.gov/newsroom/irs-provides-tax-inflation-adgustments-for-tax-year-2021>.

Tara K. is a mother of three, a graduate from Independence University with a degree in Accounting with an emphasis of Forensic Accounting, and a minority business owner. Before then, she managed a small business for several years learning the needs and wants of small business owners. She has been practicing accounting and bookkeeping since 2016 with clients all over the world. She started Tara K. Specializes, LLC in 2019 with the goal of helping small business owners achieve financial health. She has published two books entitled How to Monetize Your Niche in 90 Days and Simple Credit Repair. Both are available at taraspecializes.com/products. taraspecializes.com facebook.com/tarakspecializes instagram.com/tarakspecializes

NOW TAKING PRE-ORDERS FOR OUR OFFICIAL TEE

PRE-ORDER

Spruce up Your Spring Wardrobe without Spending a Dime!

Jay L Harris

JOY & STYLE

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A WAY TO SPRUCE UP YOUR PERSONAL STYLE WITHOUT BREAKING THE BANK?

In the words of Beyonce, Let me upgrade you!

I’m going to show you that by using the right social media app, you can upgrade your wardrobe without spending a dime.

Whenever I am looking to change my personal look, I always visit Pinterest.

Yes, you read that right, Pinterest. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, let me introduce you to Pinterest. Pinterst is a social app; correction: It's really a social search engine app, where you can pin articles, clothes, and recipes to boards that you name and create.

The company defines itself on their website as a visual discovery engine for finding ideas like recipes, home and style inspiration, and more.

Wow! It’s a visual discovery engine; I like the sound of that! Okay, okay; I’m getting off focus.

Honestly, that is exactly what it is. I have spent hours scrolling and pinning, pinning and scrolling different outfits and recipes. I’ve created boards that center around my interest in crafting for apple

shaped fashionistas. Pinterest has been my secret weapon to upgrading my style for years.

Are you ready to learn how to update your personal style?

Yeah you are!

I was going to write a long description, but I thought you might enjoy a video instead.

Watch the video below to steal my secret weapon to shop in your own closet.

Until next time friends, Style your life with Joy!

WANT TO BE A GUEST BLOGGER? Submit your name, email address, & a writing sample to us.

E-mail: hello@prettysmartchics.com

SUBMIT

Do you know how to be happy?

Recently I was on the phone, the person I was talking to said that she couldn’t wait for April to be over. I looked at the calendar and reminded her that it was only March 10th.

She said with Easter and two birthday parties in April, she was just ready for the month to be over with. I asked her why she couldn’t enjoy these events and she said because there was just too much to do.

I didn’t probe her any further because she tends to be an unhappy person. However, if I’m planning and paying for a party, I will enjoy it. However, my conversation with her lead me to the question of…

Do you know how to be happy?

Seriously, do you?

When talking to people, I’ve noticed that a lot of adults are unhappy because they have lost their personal identity. Ask a married person what makes them happy and their answer will probably start with “We like…”, “My wife and I enjoy…”, or “The kids like to…” I know a lot of people like this and I remined them that I asked what makes them happy and not their family. Sadly, none of them know. They are so use to identifying as Luke’s wife, Taylor’s mom, and this company’s employee. However, those are just adjectives. Who were you before the marriage, kids, and job? Because that’s the person who’s not happy.

That’s the voice you hearing telling you that there’s more to life and asking what you waiting on.

When working on achieving and maintaining your happiness, you are going to make some people in your life unhappy. Some people are going to question your behavior and or call you selfish. Let them. Chances are, the people questioning your behavior benefit in your unhappiness, because you put their happiness before your own. Also, these people do not want you to be happy. They just want you to continue to cater to them. However, don’t let this guilt trap you. Once you become happy, your happiness will spread to and encourage the people who actually care about you.

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Continued from p. 18

Now after you decide that you want to be happy, the hardest thing is going to be limiting your interactions with people who are unhappy or have a limited understanding. For example, currently I’m not happy with my job, but when my mom asks me how’s work, I will say fine. I can’t tell her that I’m unhappy because she will not understand. Regardless of what I tell her, she’s going to look at my salary and the fact that I work from home and tell me that I do not have any reason to be unhappy. Now, I’m not upset that my mom doesn’t understand what I need to be happy. Additionally, I’m not going to cut her out of my life. However, I will limit our conversations about the happiness I need at my job.

We are only on this planet for a short time, so be happy. Also do whatever you need to do in order to achieve your happiness. Don’t listen to the self-doubt that’s playing on repeat and don’t focus of all the things you tell yourself that you have to for others. If you can get up each day and work, feed, clothed, pick up, drop off, email, text, call, stop-bye, swing-bye, and ensure someone else’s happiness, surely you can work on and achieve your own happiness.

“Loving yourself means that you accept responsibility for your own development, growth and happiness.” Iyanla Vanzant

Alex Howard is a father, writer, humorist, lover of Converse, and bearer of many aliases. Of his own admission, "If Julia Sugarbaker and Fred Sanford had a lovechild, it would be Alex."

Toyshebia Napper

COMMUNITY

CORNER The body heals with PLAY, the mind heals with LAUGHTER, and the spirit heals with JOY

Buddhist Proverb Hi Pretty Smart Chics! We are officially in Spring. Yes, Lovelies; days are filled with sunshine, rainstorms, flowers, pollen, and laughter. Spring has sprung, and we are more than ready. We prepare our homes with spring cleaning - yes, the joys of spring cleaning. LOL Are you making plans around the house to dust ceiling fans, wipe down baseboards, clean window sills and open windows? A deep cleaning of the home to welcome in the sunlight and fresh air? A good spring cleaning helps us embrace the warmth, growth, life, and essence of the season. The words light, airy, and refreshing come to mind. Out with the cold and dreariness of winter, and we beckon the warmth and brightness of Spring. Come a little closer so we can discuss ways that allow you to continue to renew, refresh, and brighten the light you share with the world.

What about your mind, body, and spirit? Do you conduct a good old-fashioned Spring cleaning of self? I know you are saying, “Wait; we are still in the beginning of the year.” Most people end December and start January with new year resolutions, promises, goals, and overall declarations of new year, new me. Somewhere between January 15 and March 31, people lose a little steam. The first quarter can hold energy, clarity, and promises that become intertwined with chaos, blurry vision, and lost focus. What happened? The simple answer is life. Let’s be honest: the 2020s have been epic, and we never know what is around the corner; however, it does not take away from our ability to live a fulfilled, joyful, and successful life. So, we need to reset and do a little spring cleaning within ourselves.

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Toyshebia Napper

COMMUNITY

CORNER Continued from p. 20

Where are you on your personal goals and aspirations? In short, what do you want for yourself?

It is easy to get caught up in the different roles we perform for others. Whether personal or professional, any relationship comes with a level of expectations. You can forget or lose your true desires, needs, and voice. Take the time to embrace YOU, reacquaint with your thoughts, voice, and peace of mind. Hobbies and self reflections are key. Spending a day in the park, dancing around the house to music, and meditating can be great ways to recenter and refresh.

A healthy body can promote a healthy mind. Look, you may never get back into those jeans from high school; however we all can be healthier. Eat healthier and cleaner while enjoying in moderation - our favorite guilty pleasures and treats. Developing a better quality of life is the goal. I know your schedule is busy; however, make time for walking, swimming, or dancing in your week. Have fun while improving your health. We cannot forget about the spirit. The spirit is the center of your being, the foundation and essence of you. What do you believe? Are you feeding your spirit? Strengthen your spirit in whatever is your belief. When mind, body, and spirit are renewed, refreshed, and aligned, we find life easier to navigate. We forgive quicker, love harder, endure more, and produce like never before. Remember to embrace joy, have fun, and love all you do!!!!

Credits: Connolly, John. “The Killing Kind.” QuotesLyfe.com. https://www.quoteslyfe.com/quote/The-nature-of-humanityits-essence-is-135265 Daily Inspirational Quotes. https://www.dailyinspirationalquotes.in/2014/04/use-your-voice-for-kindness-yourears-for-compassion-your-hands-for-charity-your-mind-for-truth-and-your-heart-for-love-anonymous-selfimprovement-quotes/ Merriam-webster.com. 2021. Definition of COMPASSION. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pleasure> [Accessed 2 October 2021].

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Flash Fiction

MOODY BLUES A REAL FCK'D UP SITUATION

A Jay L Harris Story

MOODY BLUES A REAL FCK'D UP SITUATION

By Jay L. Harris

I don’t even know if you’re real!

What the hell?!

I don’t even know if you’re real, she slurred for a second time.

I know she was recovering from surgery, and I shouldn’t be asking her such a serious question.

But hell, I was scared. I just got orders to leave for a mission. Very unexpected - well, not the mission, the fact that I had to go. I was 2 months from retiring; but hell, it’s the army. Before I knew it, I was yelling at her.

Tell me that to my face!

What? I heard her say in a daze. I repeated the words again. She said “Oooh,” like she was shocked to hear the words. Confused, she asked me, Why would you ask me for money? I hadn’t asked her for money. I had asked her to help me pay for the internet until I got my bank account situated. I know; I know. It does sound shady; but honestly, I wouldn’t have asked her had I known she would react the way she did. Let me rewind and go all the way back to the beginning . . . .

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Continued from p. 24

Picture it: Sicily 1920 . . . No, just kidding. I am a fan of The Golden Girls and always wanted to say that (in my Sophia voice). Seriously, it was in the midst of the COVID-19 Pandemic. Stuck on base away from my mother and child, I was lonely and spending most of my time in the gym. I was sharing my thoughts about dating with a friend, and he suggested I try online dating. I thought it had been a few years since my wife died and I needed to get my head back in the game. Up late one night drinking rum and Coke, I made a profile on the dating app for plus size women and those who love them. Being a man of certain stature, I like my women thick; and I figured this app would give me what I like.

To my surprise, I met quite a few nice ladies, but one lady stood out above all the rest. She was easy to talk to and super nice. I must admit she had a picture on her profile where she was wearing this red lipstick and my manhood jumped. I could picture those lips all over my body. I read her profile at least 3 times before I got the courage to say something to her.

Before I knew it we were exchanging numbers and chatting everyday. I enjoyed our talks on the phone and texting everyday. The Army was keeping me busy, and we were on COVID lockdown; so we never got the opportunity to meet in person. Before I knew it, six months had passed, and I was in love with this woman.

Unlike her, I didn’t have any doubts that we would be together. But she had her doubts, and rightfully so. I broke my iphone, and I was too cheap to buy another one; and outside of my work laptop, I didn’t own a computer. Most of my time was spent working long ass shifts. All I wanted to do when I got home from work was text or call her and go to bed. I was planning to surprise her for Christmas when I got the news.

Damn! I didn’t know how I was going to break it to her. We talked briefly about my job in the Army.

She knew I couldn’t disclose too much information, and she seemed to be ok with that until the night I asked about the internet. When she told me no, I was truly ok with it. I knew I was taking a chance by asking her; but like I said, I am in love with her and thought we were on the same page. But her drug-enhanced cry said we weren’t.

Even though she wasn’t yelling at me, her soft voice revealed to me her fears. She didn’t know me. She’d never met me. How could I ask her to trust me, when I didn’t put forth the simple effort into our meeting? For the first time, I heard her anxiety. Every time, she asked me, “When are we going to meet? Can we do a video chat?” And I always put her off - not on purpose, but because of my job and current circumstances. Now, I was leaving and I couldn’t even tell her how long I’d be gone. Damn, G; I really fucked up. I knew the moment she said those words, I just became her worst nightmare. I made all of her fears come true. I was a shady ass nigga catfishing her. I knew she was doing Google searches on me. She thought she was slick with all the questions she asked. I went along with it, playing dumb. Then one day she asked for my late wife’s name and that triggered me. I asked her what she wanted to do with her name. She backed off but I knew in that moment, I cemented doubt in her mind. The only thing I could think of was that I didn’t ask her about her ex, and she shouldn’t ask about mine. I couldn’t tell her that it was still hard for me to talk about my wife, that I kept her close to my heart, and that she was not someone I wanted to talk about. That’s why I referred to her as my daughter’s mother. It was easier for me to compartmentalize my feelings about her.

MOODY BLUES A REAL FCK'D UP SITUATION

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Continued from p. 25

Here we were on the phone. I was trying to convince the new woman who made me laugh to forget about my problems, that I need her; and she’s telling me that she didn’t even know if I was real. When I asked her what she wanted me to do about my job and meeting her, her words l rang in my ear: “Figure it out, G!” I repeated the words to myself. She was right. I should have figured out a way to make us work.

I should have done everything to soothe her fears, but I didn’t do that. I chose my job, my duty to the country, and I expected her to understand and to trust me when all my actions said otherwise. I knew I had fucked up and there was no way to fix this. I was in an undisclosed location, and she was in Georgia.

Nothing I said to her would ever gain her trust back - no amount of pleading with her that she is the only person I needed to talk to everyday.

She was gone. I knew it. I tried to hold on to us because it was late and I didn't want our conversation to end this way; but the next day, I guess after she was more alert, she asked me to explain what happened. Mad at myself, I took my anger out on her and told her to drop it and I would talk to her when I got back home. Even then, she was soft and sweet and said, “If that’s what you like . . .” She texted me, “Do you want to go our separate ways?” but deleted it.

Well, at least she tried to delete it before I saw it, but I did. The last words she texted to me were Thank you for being so nice to me. Inside, my heart broke; but I’m a soldier, so I had to keep my composure. I texted back You’re welcome. I hope you recover well. Who says that? Why didn’t I apologize and convince her to stay? You know why? Because I was an asshole asking a beautiful woman to trust and love me blindly, knowing it would be unfair to

ask her to wait on me. I did what I thought was best. I blocked her. Yes, I became a bigger asshole and cut off communications with her. It was better for her to think I was a scam than to have her waiting in vain. I love her too much to let her suffer over me. Anyway, I’m used to hiding my pain; and my focus needed to be on the mission and getting home to my baby. That’s all that mattered. At least that’s what I told myself.

Besides, I still had our text history on the app.

Right? Damn! She deleted the whole thread, even the ones from that late-night conversation. Yes! After that night it was over. What’s fucked up, I want to marry this woman. We talked about a small vineyard wedding. The uncertainty of the pandemic allowed us to let our guards down.

Damn! I hate that I fucking blocked her . . . . .

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A Jay L Harris Story

MOODY BLUES A REAL FCK'D UP SITUATION

CONTINUED ON P. 45

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