FEBRUARY 2020
RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
One woman’s struggle with severe mental illness
IDENTITY
Helping young people with their mental health
A COMPLICATED GRIEF The tragedy of suicide
A legacy led by love – a gift in your Will to Christian Aid At Christian Aid, everything we do is led by love. Growing numbers of people are being led by love to leave a gift to Christian Aid in their Will. By joining them, you could ensure that your dedication to ending poverty lives on after you are gone. To find out more about how a gift in your Will can leave a lasting gift to the world, please visit caid.ie/gifts-in-wills. To get your free Guide to Gifts in Wills, or to speak to us about leaving a gift in your Will, please email: giftsinwills@christian-aid.org or call 028 9064 8133 (Belfast) or 01 496 7040 (Dublin).
Christine Parakuo and her son Samson Kishoyian, Narok County, Kenya. Photo: Jimmy Obuya
Christian Aid Ireland: NI charity no. NIC101631 ROI charity no. 20014162
CONTENTS | FEBRUARY 2020
FEATURES
6
Enjoying God in prayer Moderator’s prayer initiative
12 Nominees for Moderator announced Four ministers up for the role
14 Addressing the elephant in the room Mental health initiative started by St Andrew’s, Bangor
16 Mental health and mission Why we need to pray for the mental health of our global mission workers
18 “Dying to talk about it”
The work of PCI’s Fresh Light counselling service
20 Becoming mentally aware
Interview with a consultant psychiatrist
Addressing the elephant in the room p14
32 Right in front of you
One woman’s struggle with severe mental illness
Please pray for me
I’m frightened
34 Identity
Helping young people with their mental health
I feel lost
I am so alone
36 A complicated grief
I want to give up
The tragedy of suicide
REGULARS
4 7 8 9 13 23 31 38 40 43 45 47
Mental health and mission p16
Letters News As I see it My story As I see it Mission Connect Talking points Reviews Life in PCI In this month Arthur Clarke Betsy Cameron
CONTRIBUTORS
Cover illustration Barry Falls February 2020 No. 828 £1.50 (€1.80) Published by: The Presbyterian Church in Ireland, Assembly Buildings, Belfast BT1 6DW. T: +44 (0)28 9032 2284 E: herald@presbyterianireland.org W: www.presbyterianireland.org
A complicated grief p36
Editor: Sarah Harding Subscriptions and Advertising: Elaine Huddleston; Lisa Skinner; Suzanne Hamilton Design and Layout: Edward Connolly Printing: W & G Baird Ltd.
Sharon Hastings is the author of Wrestling with My Thoughts: A doctor with severe mental illness discovers strength. She lives in Newcastle, Co Down, with her husband and two dogs.
Suzanne Hamilton is Senior Communications Assistant for the Herald. She attends Ballyholme Presbyterian in Bangor, is married to Steven and mum to twin boys.
Paul Jamieson is minister of Hillhall Presbyterian Church and chairperson of the Fresh Light advisory group.
Tom Finnegan is the Training Development Officer for PCI. In this role Tom develops and delivers training and resources for congregational life and witness.
The views expressed in the features, news reports, letters and book reviews of this magazine are not necessarily those of the Editor. Editorial comment and signed articles do not necessarily contain the official views of the Church, which can be laid down only by the General Assembly. Acceptance of advertisements does not imply endorsement of the goods or services. The Editor reserves the right to decline any advertisement or letter without assigning any reason. Letters may be edited for publication. No correspondence can be entered into regarding non-publication of advertisements or letters.
The Presbyterian Church in Ireland is a Registered Charity in Northern Ireland (NIC104483); Registered Charity in Republic of Ireland (20015695).
Herald February 2020
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UNITED APPEAL
“Dying to talk about it” Paul Jamieson highlights the work of Fresh Light, PCI’s counselling service.
H
elen was deeply depressed; her confidence, self-esteem and sense of significance had been beaten out of her. With tears running down her face she spoke softly, “Will you pray with me? I am struggling with forgiveness and the stigma of divorce. Alcohol is my only comfort. I’m in a dark place; I am anxious, afraid, but dying to talk about it!” She told me her story, of years of domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse. The final straw was a physical assault that landed Helen in hospital with severe injuries for a week. Helen began to slowly rebuild her life with much help, counselling and support. What a privilege in ministry to be part of a person’s story and to remind them of God’s bigger story of grace and forgiveness. I listened, read and prayed with her. I exercised all my pastoral
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skills as a minister but realised that this broken woman needed the expertise of a counsellor. Helen’s life was transformed by both pastoral care and professional counselling, distinctively different but both essential to her situation. She found her way out of that dark place into the light. She ditched the bottle and reconnected with church. She rediscovered joy and fulfilment. She relinquished the burden of guilt and went on to live a purpose-driven life.
Some of us still think that Christians should never get depressed or feel suicidal and if we are, we are letting God down in some way.
Mental health is a taboo subject, as Meriel Pinkerton (a counselling supervisor for Fresh Light and auxiliary minister in First Bangor Presbyterian) reflects: “There is still a stigma around talking about subjects such as depression, suicide and self-harm. However, we must take a hard look at the evidence and the consequences of not talking.” The NI Statistics and Research Agency (NISRA) states that there were 307 recorded deaths by suicide in 2018, of which 228 were male and 79 female. Men in Northern Ireland are almost three times as likely to take their own lives as women. It is more probable that men aged 20-49 die of suicide than anything else. In the UK, every two minutes a man takes his life. In Ireland, provisional figures by the Central Statistics Office show there were 352 suicide deaths in 2018 – 282 were male and 70 were female. Across
the world there is a suicide every 40 seconds (male and female). These are all startling statistics. Men are less likely to talk to someone about how they are feeling than women. So let’s help end the silence. Some of us still think that Christians should never get depressed or feel suicidal and if we are, we are letting God down in some way. Maybe we need to take a closer look at some of the Old Testament prophets like Jeremiah or Elijah. It took Helen a period of time to pluck up the courage and come forward to engage in counselling. Helen was listened to and resourced to deal with the trauma of her past, enabling her to face the future with hope and confidence. Fresh Light counselling has a team of professionally trained counsellors who are able to deal with a wide range of issues. These include: anxiety; depression; suicidal thoughts; self-harm; low selfesteem; bereavement; sexual abuse; domestic violence; work-related stress; and relationship difficulties. As our leaflet states, we are available to those of all faiths and none. Anyone can refer themselves to our counselling ministry and no issue is too small. All our counsellors have a strong Christian faith and are committed to standards of best practice and ethics in their counselling. With God’s help we seek to bring hope, strength and comfort into difficult life situations. Stephanie Windrum, the coordinator of the ministry, explains a little of the origins of Fresh Light: “In early 1990, the South Belfast Presbytery identified a demand for couples’ counselling; by June 1993 several volunteer counsellors worked from Church House under the banner of ‘Marriage Care Counselling’. Since then, the ministry has developed and witnessed numerous changes.
“Currently counselling is managed by the Council for Congregational Life and Witness and since 2017 is known as ‘Fresh Light’. These changes reflect an expanding and developing role for the ministry. It provides support in a number of areas, including Ballymena, Ballynahinch, Belfast, Lisburn, Lurgan, and Magherafelt.
Fresh Light supports congregational pastoral care but can offer another level of counselling expertise… “As a form of Christian counselling, Fresh Light counsellors operate within the framework of PCI’s Theology, Ethics and Practice. They offer a confidential counselling ministry for adults in distress and are able to respond in a Christlike manner. They meet people where they are and seek to take them forward through a caring and empathic approach which can result in inner healing and spiritual restoration.” Rev David Thompson, Secretary for the Council of Congregational Life and Witness, comments: “Fresh Light supports congregational pastoral care but can offer another level of counselling expertise, bringing additional support to a congregation. Individuals
can apply directly to avail of the ministry or be signposted by a minister, friend or family member. The service is open to everyone. Those who arrive at our door will be welcomed and supported. We desire to offer counselling based on the Bible’s understanding of life and the world.” As chairperson of the panel, I commend this ministry to all people struggling with mental health issues – perhaps like Helen you are dying to talk! Please get in touch. A recent Fresh Light male client expressed the difference it made to his life in the following way: “I attended Fresh Light for my anxiety and panic attacks. I have recently started a new job and find myself loving it. I know I couldn’t have done that without my counsellor from Fresh Light. A big thank you!” Further details about how to make a first appointment to explore the type of help on offer and the process leading to ongoing support can be made by telephoning +44(0)28 9261 0586 on weekdays between 9am and 1pm. Messages can be left on the answering machine outside of these hours. A short video is available to show in churches at www.presbyterianireland.org/ freshlight Paul Jamieson is minister of Hillhall Presbyterian Church and chairperson of the Fresh Light advisory group.
To watch a short film about the work of Fresh Light, please visit www.presbyterianireland.org/unitedappeal
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Becoming mentally aware Sarah Harding talks to Dr Ken Yeow about his insights and advice into the whole area of mental health.
D
r Ken Yeow is a consultant psychiatrist who is currently working in the field of intellectual disability, having previously specialised in eating disorders. He has aided PCI in its work with mental health for many years, having been a keynote speaker at ‘Breaking the Silence’ (a Youth Assembly initiative back in 2014) and is a regular seminar speaker at PCI’s pastoral care roadshow (regional events aimed at training congregations in pastoral care). He is passionate about helping churches and individuals to tackle the problem of ill-mental health, and says it’s unclear whether the problems associated with it are getting worse or whether there is just more awareness. “It’s hard to know…you hear about it more. I think the stigma is becoming less. In the media it’s quite an open topic…So that’s certainly helped reduce the awkwardness of the issue.” He believes there are a number of factors contributing to poor mental health in our society today: “Families are not as cohesive as before; new technology; social media; pace of life; complexity. We share the burden of global distress, so I think the way in which information is so quickly and intensely distributed is key. It’s information overload and our brains are not fully prepared to handle all that. “But then again, I’ve only lived less than 50 years. If I was living during World War Two – would I have said that was a stressful time? Or during the Roman Empire? Are there just cycles of intense periods in life? Maybe it’s hard whenever you live.” Perhaps one thing that is different about our current age lies in our ability to handle stressful situations and our
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Dr Ken Yeow
apparent lack of resilience to cope. Dr Yeow cites the rise of the self-esteem movement, dating back to the 1960s, which began a focus on nurturing the inner being. “The risk is you sway too much towards being self-focused and thinking of your own needs primarily. You need a balance of the inward (dealing with stuff on the inside), but there also needs to be an outward focus – the ability to help others and contribute to society. That’s a more fully orbed approach to mental health.” Dr Yeow believes that expressing emotion in a healthy way is a significant factor to maintaining good mental health. “The inability to cope with/ express/share/process/work through emotional difficulties in a healthy way, means it comes out in a less healthy way. Addictions is a good example of that. If you’ve learnt to cope with your distress or conflict through the use of a substance or an activity that brings temporary relief, then you can very easily get stuck in a cycle of addiction.”
Spiritual health Dr Yeow is clear that the whole area of mental health is intertwined with our spiritual health. “We have body, mind and spirit and we’re all one, so you can’t divorce your physical body and your mental life from your spiritual life.”
He recognises that there is often a difficulty for individuals or churches when dealing with the issue because of the guilt that can be present – caused by the assumption that people of faith should not struggle mentally. “We need to get better at that – that’s why I enjoy doing seminars and talking to people, because churches have a role to teach people well about these things and to have a mature view on it. There are many instances where good professional help is needed in addition to any spiritual practices or disciplines.” However, he also identifies that situations can be complicated. “The Christian life is one of seeking to become more Christlike – of holiness and purity. And there is such a thing as sin, and such a thing as disobedience, and those things in themselves can lead to mental health struggles. If you are living in persistent, flagrant disobedience and sin, then it would not be inappropriate to have some negative feelings about it, which may well motivate you to check and repent and come back to the Lord. So, we need to get better at the emotional and supportive side, but we also need to get better at the admonition and pastoral discipline side of things.”
Church response So, are we as the church getting better at broaching the subject of mental health and tackling it? Dr Yeow believes so. “In my little sphere, I’ve had the opportunity to meet with different Churches [denominations] and do talks here and there. The very fact that Churches are organising these things is a great sign. What I would like to see is some central coordination where you can bring these Churches together and encourage one another.”
Recognising signs Life is full of ups and downs and there will be normal stresses and strains that accompany that. So, what are some of the signs when we should be concerned about our own mental health or the health of someone close to us? “Two important things to think about are distress and function – so if somebody appears very distressed and they’re very preoccupied with a problem or if their function drops, be it at school, at work or at home…they generally need more support and help.
We all feel difficult things…The ability to express that and share that…it’s very necessary. It’s part of the Christian life.
“If it’s a problem of stress, burnout or exhaustion, bordering on depression, then the ability to be aware of that is helpful. A lot of things in mental health start with awareness – if you’re not aware, you’re not going to do anything about it.” Awareness is also crucial for friends and loved ones, although intervening to suggest someone needs help can be tricky. Navigating conversations can require wisdom and sensitivity. The first thing Dr Yeow recommends for this is prayer. “Your first starting point is ‘Help Lord!’” There needs to be an openness and honesty that allows the person who is struggling to feel safe and able to talk and accept help, although Dr Yeow acknowledges that this is “all very difficult”. It very much depends on the nature of the situation and the severity of it as to how a loved one should deal with it, and in extreme instances where there is threat to life, emergency services should be sought immediately.
Prevention In all instances of mental health problems, Dr Yeow believes that awareness is extremely significant in prevention. “The trick is finding what works for you. One person’s stress relieving mechanism is somebody else’s anxiety provoking mechanism… If watching a Netflix series actually helps you to relax and puts you in a better frame of mind, there’s a place for that.”
Illustration Barry Falls
Training people in congregations who are involved in pastoral care is an important element. “Awareness is a big thing, and the ability to be the kind of people that can draw others out. So, listening well, taking time, not feeling compelled to jump in with solutions – these are skills. Some of these things can take years to develop, but they are things that everyone can grow in.” Dr Yeow is also keen to point out that churches must be very careful to maintain confidentiality when dealing with these difficult issues. “It’s one thing to say the church needs to be involved, but at the same time, there’s a lot of wisdom in how you do it in a way that’s sensitive and doesn’t betray confidence.” It’s important to realise too that churches have a great opportunity to help families and young people with mental health, as the evidence shows that helping people to have good practices lays a good foundation for the future; creating a culture of healthy expression of emotions and supporting parents to create that kind of culture at home can be of real benefit. Dr Yeow says, “We all feel difficult things, that’s part of life. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not sinful, it’s not something to be ashamed of. The ability to express that and share that and to gather with others with shared difficulties – it’s very necessary. It’s part of the Christian life.”
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As well as the usual advice of taking care of our nutrition, exercising and getting enough rest, Dr Yeow points out: “From a Christian perspective, I would have to say it does start with your relationship with God. That’s a great source of strength – having the kind of relationship where you can bring everything to him and not be afraid to talk about the pain and the confusion in his presence.” This is also where the church can play a part. “Growing in faith and getting good teaching, being discipled well and being in a healthy church” are all things Dr Yeow highlights as being very helpful. Whilst there are times when we will all struggle and other times when some of us will need professional help to deal with difficulties, Dr Yeow, in his book Personal
A lot of things in mental health start with awareness – if you’re not aware, you’re not going to do anything about it.” Freedom, reminds us that God is with us throughout. “…we no longer need to fear our difficulties/struggles/trials but see them as instruments of transformation. We can embrace them as the very things that will bring us closer to God and deeper in him. In fact, the more challenging a situation is, the more grace that we stand to experience and the better the training in righteousness we receive!”
Mental health resources for pastoral care Tom Finnegan, PCI’s Training Development Officer, outlines some recommendations for pastoral care in our congregations in regard to mental health. Mental health is one of those areas of pastoral care in which we have to turn to the experts. However, there are two key ways in which ministers, elders and others providing pastoral care can help. One is in the first response to an immediate need. This involves recognising a potentially serious mental health problem and helping the person obtain the expert attention they require. The second way pastoral care complements expert help is through ongoing pastoral support. Both of these ways of helping require some knowledge of mental health problems. There are a number of resources available to equip those providing pastoral care with the basic skills required. One of the best ways to be equipped is to attend a two-day mental health first aid course. The course is similar in format to a normal first aid course. It covers common mental health problems along with ways to respond and provide support. Subjects covered include understanding what professional help is available, accessing suicide risk, the basics of depression, anxiety disorders, psychosis and substance use disorders. Mental health first aid courses are often run by mental health charities like Aware NI and are sometimes available free of charge. The best way to find a course is to Google ‘mental health first aid’ and search for one in your local area. Anyone involved in a full- or part-time role in pastoral care would greatly benefit from attending a course. Those who provide pastoral care on a voluntary basis, either formally or informally (perhaps with a family member or friend), to people who have mental health difficulties would also find the course helpful.
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Personal Freedom: How the gospel can be good for your mental health by Ken Yeow £5 Dr Ken Yeow, a consultant psychiatrist in Northern Ireland, integrates an understanding of the gospel with mental health problems. This book is intended to be read by people who may be struggling with mental health problems but could also be very useful for those providing pastoral care to people with mental health problems.
In addition, the following resources are available from the Presbyterian Church in Ireland: Short video on mental health: www.presbyterianireland.org/pastorallifevideos This video (which includes three optional discussion questions) could be shown to the congregation to raise awareness of pastoral care and mental health or used with elders or a pastoral care team for a short training session. Training module on mental health awareness and pastoral care. This training module complete with trainer and participant notes is designed for use with elders and pastoral care teams. It is available on request by email from clw@presbyterianireland.org Mental health resources list: www.presbyterianireland.org/mentalhealthresources This extensive resource list signposts mental health resources and services in both Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. Included in the resource list is a list of books. Two books which are of great value to anyone who is involved in congregational pastoral care are: Personal Freedom: How the gospel can be good for your mental health by Dr Ken Yeow and Mindful of the Light: Practical help and spiritual hope for mental health by Dr Stephen Critchlow. Fresh Light. This ministry of the Presbyterian Church in Ireland offers counselling for a variety of stressful life circumstances arising from, but not limited to, relationship difficulties, bereavement and loss, abuse, lack of trust, childlessness, sexual health, family issues, anxiety and depression. An appointment for counselling can be made by telephoning +44 (0)28 9261 0586 on weekdays between 9am and 1pm.
FEBRUARY 2020
Mission Connect
The challenge of church planting
In the wee small hours Rev Ken Doherty
Mission news from workers around Ireland and the world.
God’s tender touch Eleanor Drysdale Entering a new chapter John McCandless Providing witness through words and actions Rev Jonathan Porter Alert and ready to adapt Peter and Jayne Fleming
Every aspect of our Church’s mission depends to some extent on United Appeal. Hundreds of projects and programmes at home and overseas are helping to advance God’s kingdom, showing God’s love in action to hundreds of thousands of people.
The challenge of church planting James and Heather Cochrane
Including February prayer diary