Outdoor Life - Welcome Back Issue 2 of 6

Outdoor Life Welcome Back

Issue 2 of 6

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8.22.16

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 3

OUTDOORS

INDEX Stargazing ............... Page 6 Skiing......................Page 8 Slacklining.............Page 10 Biking....................Page 14 Get Social Pages 32, 33, 36 Camping................Page 19 Dogs......................Page 26 Hikes.....................Page 27 Fourteeners...........Page 28 I’m Not There Q&A . Page 40 Under the Influence Q&A ............................. Page 44 Campus map .. Pages 48, 49

ColoradoDaily.com

Phone: 303-473-1111 Main Office: 2500 55th St., Suite 210, Boulder, CO 80301 Editor: Deanna Hardies, 303473-1111 editor@coloradodaily.com Advertising: Jill Stravolemos, 303-473-1400, stravolemosj@dailycamera.com Circulation: Preston Latham, 303-994-3677

Embark on your vision quest My god, it’s full of stars

Great Sand Dunes National Park is my happy spot. You can find happiness there, too, if you don’t mind getting sand in tight places.

By Deanna Hardies Colorado Daily Editor

F

rom tree huggers to deer hunters, Coloradans are a nature-loving lot. And we’re so proud of this gorgeous place, we wear the state flag on our T-shirts and bumper stickers and skivvies. Many people would no doubt contest that bias and argue that ours is not the prettiest state, but they’d be cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

OK, so Hardies maybe we don’t have a coastline. (At least not until California quakes itself into the Pacific and sea levels rise. Buy that beachfront property in Grand Junction now while it’s cheap!) But the state’s reputation as a mountain playground is well earned. Once you start living here, it’s only a matter of time before your Instagram account starts filling with shots of fresh powder, prayer-flag-bedecked campsites, jagged sunsets and spectacular views from the summit of your hike du jour.

Shh. Just let it happen. This is your life now.

Seth McConnell / The Denver Post

to sniff the wildflowers.

It starts innocently enough, with a mild appreciation of a few columbines or a herd of deer. Then you have your first bear sighting or snowshoe outing. You follow a friend’s dog through a ponderosa pine forest that smells like a batch of fresh-baked cookies. Build a sand castle on the shore of Sandbeach Lake, in the shadow of Mt. Meeker. Eventually, you’re halfway up a fourteener in a heavily abused pair of boots, As a lifelong gamer, let me strung out on energy bars, being chased down the tell you with the weight of personal experience that you mountainside by lightning, don’t need to be in particular- shouting curses after each too-loud report of thunder ly great shape to enjoy the wealth of canyons, waterfalls and wondering if you’ll live to and hidden lakes the Rockies drink the day’s victory beer. have to offer. But your shape If you manage to survive (good luck!), it will be the may change (as mine did) once you start venturing out tastiest beer of your life.

“Blargh,” you may groan at me. “I’m not a hiker. Gimme the great indoors any day.” I feel ya. I really do. If left to my own devices (a laptop, a phone, a Nintendo 3DS), I am happy to bask in the scenic surroundings of my living room and slay miniature monsters in digital dungeons until carpal tunnel syndrome sets in. But I beseech you to tear yourself away from the cat videos and Snapchat filters. Your very own nonPokemon adventure awaits.

But Colorado is more than mountains. To the east, the plains offer endless-horizon views, and the state’s southwest corner is home to ancient cliff dwellings. Or my favorite weekend destination: Great Sand Dunes National Park. Imagine a miles-wide sandbox blown into a corner of the Sangre de Christo Range and encircled by a creek carving a glittering necklace around the base of towering dunes. Now picture yourself on a greased piece of cardboard sliding down those sandy slopes while a meteor shower rains celestial sparks through the night sky.

Go on. Get sand in your cracks.

Read more Hardies: colorado daily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/coloradodaily.

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 5

STARGAZING

Galaxies are so hot right now

Go outside and look up, preferably take a starry-eyed date with you

By Karen Antonacci Staff Writer

A

re those cheap glow-inthe-dark stickers slowly falling off your overpriced apartment ceiling just not cutting it for you these days? Go outside, and look up instead of down at “Pokemon Go” for 10 goddamned minutes.

Stars! A metric shit-ton of them. Also planets and other stuff, too.

Scientific fact: Did you know that ever since Boulder outlawed motorized vehicles in 2015, the stars shine as bright as every light seems when you’re hungover AF? (Editor’s note: No. This is not true.)

As unbelievable as that sounds, it’s true. (Editor’s note: Again, no.)

Stargazing is an easy and romantic activity. Find someone you’d like to gaze at. Convince them to go outside — this part is important — in an open, outdoors area with you. Don’t lure them into a confined space and block the only exit.

See STARS, page 11

Students use the 24-inch telescope at Sommers-Bausch Observatory to watch the moon.

NASA/JPL-Caltech Two spiral galaxies collide, just like you and your stargazing date will if you play your cards right.

6 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer

Stargazing tips • Tell someone where you’re going and when you plan to return. Make sure it’s someone who is at least casually interested in your well-being.

• It’s colder at night because the sun has gone down. If you didn’t know this, I don’t know how you got into college.

• Bring enough water. This is just a general Colorado rule.

• Be careful where you park. In the city of Boulder, most trailhead parking lots are closed from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m.

• Even if there’s a full moon out, wear a headlamp just in case you have to flee into the wilderness. Alternatively, you might get bored and want to pretend you’re the Eye of Sauron.

• Don’t bolt out of a well-lit space into the pitch-black night like a dumbass. Let your eyes adjust to the semi-dark first.

• Are you stargazing in a truck bed? They’re uncomfortable, so bring yoga mats and/or sleeping bags. Also, don’t get arrested for having sex in a pickup truck.

• Check the weather. If it’s cloudy or the sun is out, then the stars are hiding because they hate you.

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 7

SKIING

Serious shredding on the slopes

Where to find the white and for how much of the green it’ll cost you

By Charlie Brennan Staff Writer he biggest news this year for Front Range skiers came when there was nary a snowflake in sight, with the announcement in June that Boulder County’s own backyard winter playground had been sold.

Eldora Mountain Resort, located just 21 miles west of Boulder and the University of Colorado was snapped up in June by Powdr, the Utahbased chain that also owns Copper Mountain and seven other resorts from Vermont to California, including Killington in central Vermont and Mount Bachelor near Bend, Ore. The most dramatic changes to Eldora, which still harbors numerous plans for expansion and improvement, will not be seen overnight or be in evidence when skiers show up for its scheduled Nov. 18 season opening.

But resort brass assure those ready to get down to doing some serious shredding that any coming changJeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer es at Eldora will all be to the Eldora Mountain Resort was sold in June, which means big changes are in store, and these dudes look really excited about that. good — and will only An Epic Pass is your enhance the unique characticket into Beaver ter of the resort beloved by Creek Resort and a those who don’t want to start buttload of other their powder day on Interski destinations throughout Colorado state 70. and beyond.

“When you compare the cost of skiing in Colorado to Andy Cross / other places in the country, The Denver Post east to west, you can’t find better value for the quality of mountain experience — snow and price,” said JP Chevalier, marketing and skier services director at Eldora.

Chevalier is bullish on where Powdr — the new company, not the white stuff — can lead Eldora.

“When you look at Powdr resorts, they are an adventure lifestyle company that is all about action sports, and

T

See SKIING, page 20

8 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 9

SLACKLINING

Hanging in the balance

If you’re gonna butt-bounce in Boulder, do it by the rules

By Sarah Kuta Staff Writer

D

espite what the name suggests, slacklining isn’t for slackers.

This sport, which requires pretty darn good balance at all times, involves tying a flexible line to two poles or trees a few feet off the ground.

From there, it’s up to you whether you walk on it, run on it, jump on it or fool around with other cool, slackline-y tricks. Some people do yoga on their flexy webbing. Slacklining is now part of the summer GoPro Mountain Games in

Vail, where athletes buttbounce, chest-bounce, flip and spin — all while balancing on a 2-inch-thick line.

But whether you’ve never walked a line or are a buttbouncing champ, you’ll need to know the rules for setting up lines, both on campus and in the city. So here they are:

On campus Slacklining is permitted on campus, but there are some rules and regulations that the university has set out for the sport. You can only slackline between sunrise and sunset, and you

See SLACKLINE, page 12

Johan Wienerfiester tests his slackline skills while Aaron Haynos and Abby Levine watch.

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Stars

from page 6

Don’t convince them to stare at the sun with you at noon. Don’t convince them to go outside at night but forget to go along.

OK, now that you have all that down, you need to find a place to go. There are plenty of open spaces around Boulder where you can get out from under the oppressive glow of city lights. Hiss at the lame-ass electric lights, too, while you’re on your way to go stargazing. It will impress your date.

Generally, if you can go north and west away from Denver, there will be less light pollution.

Janelle Pacheco, who studied astrophysics, suggested Chautauqua as a good starting point, but hopeful stargazers might find the light pollution from Boulder a little discouraging. Pacheco recommended driving or hiking up Flagstaff Mountain at night to look not only above at the starts but also below at the city lights.

“I drove up there and stopped, and it’s one of the most beautiful things,” Pacheco said in the winter.

While some may be tempted to hike over to the Boulder Star on Flagstaff, Phillip Yates with the city’s Open Space and Mountain Parks department said it isn’t expressly prohibited but they don’t recommend it.

“There’s no official or designated trail that takes you there, and there is steep terrain,” Yates said in the winter. “It’s difficult for people to go there, and there are certainly opportunities to see the star from other properties.”

Now if you’d like to take your date out to something a little more structured and indoors, you could check the Sommers-Bausch Observatory, which is just east of the Fiske

Mars is visible in the night sky this month and the next, but it won’t look like this unless you work for NASA. To your naked eye (or eyes modestly clothed with glasses or contacts), it’ll look more like a bright, red dot to the southwest.

Janelle Pacheco, who studied astrophysics, suggested Chautauqua as a good starting point, but hopeful stargazers might find the light pollution from Boulder a little discouraging.

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Slackline from page 10

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer Some people do yoga on slacklines. Others butt-bounce, chest-bounce, flip and spin.

12 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

must assume all responsibility if you or anyone else gets injured (or dies, gulp) while using your slackline on campus.

If that’s a risk you’re willing to take, here are a few other things to consider:

Trees Campus policy states that trees must be larger than 1 foot in diameter, and that some type of protective fabric must be placed between the slackline and the trees to protect the bark. Trees that have been damaged by slacklining might be restricted for use in the future.

Make sure there’s a clear and flat landing surface below the entire length of the line. You cannot use memorial trees or trees that are other wise already prohibited for slacklining.

Your line You must take down your

Campus policy states that trees must be larger than 1 foot in diameter, and that some type of protective fabric must be placed between the slackline and the trees to protect the bark. Trees that have been damaged by slacklining might be restricted for use in the future. line at the end of every session — all lines are temporar y, according to CU policy.

The line may not be higher than 4 feet in the center, and it cannot exceed 50 feet in length. The center of the line may not be within 20 feet of sidewalks, buildings, roads, streets, bikeways, water features, sport courts, bike racks, handrails, art objects, fences or light poles.

Also, you cannot set up a line within a special event zone. So, yeah, don’t try this near a Buffs home game.

University officials who deem equipment to be unsafe or harmful can remove it.

You Slackliners are not allowed to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol while participating, and no stunts or tricks are allowed — just walking. So if you’re looking to go pro in slacking, think again about practicing on campus.

A spotter is “strongly recommended” according to campus policy.

In the city There’s nothing specific about slacklining in Boulder city code, but two ordinances make it illegal on public property.

Ordinance 6-6-6 c states that “no person shall attach to or install on any tree or

plant growing within or upon any City-owned or controlled property, including public rights-of-way, without first having obtained approval from the city manager, any metal material, sign, cable, wire, nail, swing, or other material foreign to the natural structure of the tree, except materials used for standard tree care or maintenance, such as bracing and cabling, installed by tree professionals.”

In addition, ordinance 8-216 states that “no person shall attach any object to any city property or locate any object on city property in such a manner as to damage the city property, obstruct public right of way or interfere with the function of the city property.”

City staff officials have said they’re mostly worried about the safety of someone passing by a slackline. What if you forget your line and some Boulder ultramarathoner runs smack into it?

Those ordinances also prohibit hammocks or rope swings, which are handy for jumping across the Boulder Creek (don’t say we didn’t warn you).

Good news, though: If you live on private property or have access to some private trees, you can slackline as much as you want.

Follow Sarah Kuta: twitter.com/sarahkuta

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 13

BIKING IN BOULDER

Welcome to pedaling paradise This city has what you need, whether you’re a cyclocross champ or just need to get from point A to point B

By Mairenn Digeorge For the Colorado Daily he city of Boulder is one of the best places in the world to be if you own a bike.

The various accommodations in place for riders of all experience levels are impressive, and commuting on a bike is easier than ever.

Although there are many bike paths, lanes and places specifically for bikers, coexisting with drivers on the road still proves to be a challenge in the city, and while accidents between drivers Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer and bikers do occur, they Daniel Altis checks out a B-Cycle on the CU campus. After you’re done with a B-Cycle, you can drop it off at manage to coexist harmoniany of the 38 kiosks throughout the city. ously much of the time.

The summer of 2014 was a particularly vibrant time for Boulder bike riders, as the city hosted a stage of the USA Pro Challenge cycling race. There were plans for a possible return of the race to Boulder this summer, but the organizers of the race did not decide to hold it this year.

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of 38 kiosks in Boulder, boasting over 250 bikes around the city, enabling people to ride from one place to another in 30 minutes or less, and once they are done, return the bike to any of the kiosks in the city. University of Colorado students may be eligible for a free Boulder B-Cycle annual membership through the CU Environmental Center, through a program offered in partnership with the E-Center.

With a bike, the options of where to go are countless. A favorite path of many Boulder riders is the Boulder Creek Path, which stretches from east Boulder into Boulder Canyon. Many streets in Boulder offer a bike lane for riders, and a plethora of bike

See BIKE, page 18

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 17

Stars from page 11

Planetarium on Kittridge Loop. The observatory has an open house every clear Friday night when CU courses are in session. The summer session open house schedule cut off on Aug. 12, but check back at sbo.colorado.edu/public/openhouse for more dates once school is back in session. They’ve got telescopes they’ll let you look through and people who know much more about astronomy than either you or this reporter to answer your questions. Making out with your date in the observatory is strictly frowned upon, so don’t mix up private justthe-two-of-us stargazing with the observatory’s open house brand.

The observator y’s website does have some sweet pictures of some local astrophotography. Keep an eye out for a blotchy thing in the sky called M1, or a thing that looks like a literal damned eye floating out there in space called M57, aka the Ring Nebula. Or there’s this other thing that looks like purple and pink splotches called M20, or the Trifid Nebula. Wild.

Karen Antonacci: twitter.com/ ktonacci

18 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

Dane Gaston goes flying in Valmont Bike Park in June.

The 40-acre park, at Valmont and Airport roads, has tracks for all levels — from toddlers to daredevils.

Autumn Parry / Staff Photographer

Bike from page 14 paths are clearly marked with green signs indicating “Bike Route.” The city of Boulder’s website includes a map of cycling routes, totaling more than 300 miles of bike lanes, paths, routes, designated shoulders and paths.

Mountain biking enthusiasts around the world are attracted to the areas in and around Boulder

because of the impressive, exhilarating and beautiful trails it has to offer.

The Canyon Loop Trail at Betasso Preserve is one of the local favorites, and it’s easy to see why with its beautiful views of the Boulder canyon. The Marshall Mesa trail, south of the city, provides stunning views of the Flatirons along its rolling trail.

Bikers looking for a simpler ride

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should check out the Walker Ranch Loop west of Boulder, accessed by way of Flagstaff mountain. The Boulder Mountainbike Alliance website features details on these trails and more.

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See BIKE, page 24

CAMPING

Sleep with the mountains It’s healthier than sleeping with the fishes

By John Bear Staff Writer h, camping. The bugs, sunburns, large carnivorous animals, poisonous plants and serial-killer drifter types hiding out in the woods. You know, camping.

Colorado is a great place for camping, and if you are living in the Centennial State, you are required to hit the great outdoors at least once a semester or face banishment forever. As an avowed stay-indoors type, I have been dodging the outdoor recreation police for about two years.

Most campgrounds close

A

See CAMPING, page 22

Conrad Andrews sits in a hammock after he and his girlfriend Ashley Aldhizer set up their tent.

Autumn Parry / Staff Photographer

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 19

Skiing from page 8

so there will be changes to our features and how we do things out on the hill,” Chevalier said. “At the end of the day, Powdr is very much a company that wants Eldora to be the brand that it needs to be, and allow us to shape into the direction that matches our consumer demands and interests as best as possible.”

Chevalier notes that any pass prices that a skier hears about in August are subject to change and very likely will as the weeks go by, noting, “The later you wait, expect to pay a little bit more.”

For now, Chevalier is touting the Eldora Super Value Season Pass on sale for a limited times at $289, which carries some blackout days and is good for Eldora only. But college students need to save wherever they can to afford those late-night munchies, so Eldora will make it easy on them, at a cool $189, with no blackouts.

Looking beyond Eldora, there’s plenty of terrain to cover, and you’ll have to part with more of your beer money.

Rocky Mountain Super Pass, Super Pass Plus

A steeper investment would be the Rocky Mountain Super Pass Plus. At $589, that provides unlimited access to Eldora, Winter Park and Copper Mountain, as well as six days at Steamboat Springs and three at Crested Butte.

You may well be wonder-

20 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

“When you compare the cost of skiing in Colorado to other places in the country, east to west, you can’t find better value for the quality of mountain experience — snow and price.”

JP Chevalier Marketing and skier services director at Eldora Andy Cross / The Denver Post You can fit many friends on the Independence SuperChair at the Breckenridge ski area.

ing if there are student rates available on these and other passes. The answer is yes. As of the end of July, the advertised college rate on the Rocky Mountain Super Pass Plus was $459.

The Rocky Mountain Super Pass, with unlimited access to Winter Park and Copper Mountain, goes for $509, but to college students is just $419.

stone, Arapahoe Basin plus out-of-state destinations Park City, Heavenly, Northstar, Kirkwood, Wilmot, Afton Alps, Mt. Brighton, Perisher as well as international resorts that will be announced as they are confirmed.

College Epic Local Pass: Full-time student status (proof of 12 credits required) and $559 gets you unlimited skiing at Breckenridge, KeyEpic Passes stone, Afton Alps, Mt. BrighFor those with expansive ton, Wilmot and Arapahoe ski horizons, Epic Passes Basin, with limited holiday rule the day. Cutting to the restrictions at Park City, chase, here’s the breakdown. Heavenly, Northstar and Epic Pass: For $809 you Kirkwood. It also includes a get unlimited access to Colo- total of 10 days at Vail and rado resorts Vail, Beaver Beaver Creek, with holiday Creek, Breckenridge, Keyrestrictions.

College Summit Value Pass

This gives unlimited, unrestricted skiing or riding at popular nearby resorts Keystone and Arapahoe Basin, plus limited holiday restrictions at Breckenridge, for $419 and evidence of those same 12 college credits.

The M.A.X. Pass

This bad boy gets you five days at 25 mountains across North America, including three of Colorado’s finest: Copper Mountain, Winter Park and Steamboat Springs. Prices range from $649 for those 18 to 69, down to $39 for children 5 and under.

Route 40 Pass

Two world-class resorts, Winter Park and Steamboat, are linked on this pass, named for the stretch of highway connecting the two. It provides unlimited ski/ride days with a Winter Park season pass, plus four days at Steamboat. That’s available for an adult rate of $489, knocked down to $399 for college students.

Colorado has plenty more to offer skiers and boarders, as far south as Wolf Creek and all the way to Telluride in the southwest. Consult websites for your resort of choice for the most up-to-date pass information available, and know that the prices — just like the weather — are subject to change.

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Camping from page 19 down in the winter. It gets pretty cold here, although everyone I meet from Iowa says, “You think this is cold?” OK, so it doesn’t get that cold. But it gets snowy, particularly up in those tall, menacing mountains to the west. You don’t want your winter camping trip turning into a Jon Krakauer book.

another hike — Mount Hua Shan in China — rumored to kill 100 hikers a year, just FYI. The campground costs $26 a night and also has vaulted toilets. Seriously, what is a vaulted toilet?

Peaceful Valley Campground

Lyons 1.usa.gov/1Tskcoj St. Vrain State Park It’s called Peaceful Valley, 3525 Colo. 119, just east so leave your stereo at your of Longmont dorm. They also have vaultcpw.state.co.us/places ed toilets. (I have got to get togo/parks/StVrain myself one of these.) It’s This park may be tucked situated in a glacial valley between a highway and an next to middle St. Vrain interstate, but they have Creek north of the town of birds. During the winter, it’s Ward. It usually fills up on mostly ducks and geese, Autumn Parry / Staff Photographer weekends, so go early or Conrad Andrews is ready to brave the bugs and the Jason Voorhees but park officials say there make a reservation. It costs are also bald eagles, hawks copycats. $19 a night. and great horned owls durwith RV hookups costs $28 close to the Longs Peak Heaton Bay Campground ing the winter months. It’s a day plus fees. trailhead. Longs Peak was Silverthorne not a rough camping bit.ly/29XGeUS ground — more of a get-to- Longs Peak Campground recently named one of the most dangerous hikes in The campground is locatgether-and-barbecue-thenEstes Park the world, so there’s defied on the shores of Dillon sleep-outside kind of place.

1.usa.gov/1UsNynQ nitely bragging rights if you Lake between Frisco and But hawks are unassailably make it to the summit (go It’s located 9 miles south Dillon in the White River cool and nature’s flying death machines. A campsite of Estes Park off of Colo. 7, early). It is listed along with National Forest. The United

22 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

States Department of Agriculture says Lake Dillon is surrounded by mountains including Tenmile Range, Gore Range and the Continental Divide. The area also has opportunities for biking, hiking, fishing boating and picnicking. It costs $21 a day.

Moraine Park Campground

Estes Park nps.gov/romo/planyour visit/camping.htm Nestled in a pine forest at 8,160 feet above sea level, this is the only year-round campground in Rocky Mountain National Park — and one that’s certain to make you wish you had stayed in binge-watching “Twilight” movies. But it’s only $18 bucks a night, so it’s actually cheaper than an average movie theater ticket. Plus, it has vaulted toilets. Whatever those are.

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Bikes from page 18

Recreation Department, is a well-maintained park designed especially for cyclocross riders. Still, it offers something for riders of all kinds and even features a toddler track. In January 2014, it was host to the Cyclocross National Championships.

Riders of all skill sets can enjoy the Boulder Cruise Ride, a themed and costumed event that draws hundreds of participants every Thursday evening from spring to fall.

It’s likely that even when you think you might have exhausted all of your biking options in Boulder, another opportunity will present itself. Whether you’re commuting to work or class, stepping out for a workout or just looking to kill some time, there is no limit to the adventures to be had on a bicycle in Boulder.

To top it off, University Cycles, at Ninth and Pearl, provides a vending machine where riders can buy bike Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer necessities at any hour of the Hannah Gundersen slows down on her bike in a green zone along Folsom Avenue at Canyon Boulevard near the CU campus. Cars turning right in Boulder must yield to bikes in green zones at intersections. day.

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 25

COMPANION CRITTERS

Even dogs have rules to follow

And it’s not just ‘don’t eat my shoes’; also, don’t have one in the dorm

By Karen Antonacci Staff Writer

I

f there’s one thing Coloradans love, it’s marijuana. If there’s two things, it’s marijuana and dogs. And maybe hiking. But this is an article about dogs.

Dogs usually have four legs and a tail and ears and are super cute and are better than human companions in almost ever y way.

Fact. (Editor’s note: Not a fact. Actually an opinion.)

Dogs are ever ywhere in Boulder due to the aforementioned fact (Editor’s note: Again, that was not a fact.) that they are better than people.

CU Boulder does not allow dogs in dorms unless they are ser vice animals.

So if you like to have dogs around, that sucks for you.

If you have serious doubts that your roommate, who seemingly cannot Wash.

One. Fucking. Dish. is Who’s a good boy? Who is? You are! That’s right. And don’t you forget it. capable of caring for anothprobably good news for er living thing, then this is Dogs and you.

Anyways, there are a open space lot of rules about having • Not sure if your dog must dogs in Boulder, and if be leashed? Check you are planning on havbit.ly/dog-regs to find out. ing a canine bestie offcampus or acquiring • To be off-leash, dog one in the future, here’s owners must be certified with a Voice and Sight Tag. some of what you Find out more at should know.

26 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

Get that bitch a license. Bitches love licenses.

To keep tabs on pets in the community, the city requires that all dogs older than 4 months who call Boulder their home must be licensed. You have 30 days after

See DOGS, page 34

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer

bit.ly/1SEiZOz.

• Your dog must not be aggressive towards other people or dogs.

• It is illegal for dogs to chase wildlife or livestock.

• You must pick up after your dog — don’t leave it by the trail and pick it up later.

• All dogs older than 4 months must be licensed.

Visit bit.ly/dog-licensing for more info.

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer First step of dog acquisition: Get that bitch a license. Bitches love licenses.

HIKING

Hit the trails: 5 Boulder hikes Put on your pith helmet, because we’re about to go on a safari

By Deanna Hardies Colorado Daily Editor hoosing a hike in Boulder County is like sizing up your options in an ice cream shop — it’s hard to go wrong with any flavor, but the sheer number of choices can be overwhelming. City of Boulder Open Space and Mountain Parks alone claims more than 140 miles of trails.

Before you freeze up with indecision, try one of these five hikes to get started. And keep going — in Boulder, you can keep hiking new trails year-round until you find your favorites.

C

Flatirons Vista Trail

1.9 or 3.5 miles (two loop options) Here’s a trail for the absolute beginner or someone who moved to Colorado from one of those sea-level states. Just south of the city, Flatirons Vista is a mellow, hilly trail popular with deer and the less-intense set of trail runners, some of them accompanied by canine training partners. The longer loop will take about twice the time, but neither is especially long or strenuous, so they’re both good for a quickie.

Flatirons Vista is a good choice in any season, but if you go during winter, you might see golden and bald eagles.

Trailhead: Take Broadway south; it’ll turn into Colo. 93 as you leave Boulder. Keep going until you pass the intersection with Colo. 128.

The parking lot will be the next right.

Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer Karl Wolf jogs with his two dogs Buddy, at left, and Poipu on the Mount Sanitas trail. See? What did I tell ya? Trail dogs.

Hike with the herd The CU Hiking Club, founded in 1919, is the longest-running student organization on campus.

Go to colorado.edu/ StudentGroups/uchc for details, including the trip schedule.

Membership is $20 for a year.

steep and close to town, so you can get your sweat on 3.4 miles (loop) without having to make a Dogs! So many dogs! day trip out of it. Go clockEvery shape and size and age. I once saw a greyhound- wise to go with the flow of German shepherd mix ... but traffic, or buck the trend and say hi to everyone you pass.

I digress. Aside from being RJ Sangosti / The Denver Post You’ll catch peeks of higher the place to go for dog Look at those Flatirons. Don’t you want a closer look? To bask in their stony hugeness? Get right up there and See HIKING, page 30 see Royal Arch while you’re at it. watching, Mount Sanitas is

Mount Sanitas

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 27

COLORADO FOURTEENERS

Go for a high-altitude hike

You can do it! Some summits are easier than others

By Mairenn Digeorge For the Colorado Daily

C

limbing fourteeners is a popular pastime for many people in Colorado, and with so many paths and mountains to choose from, hiking one may not be as daunting or difficult as it seemed at first.

The state has 54 peaks taller than 14,000 feet sprinkled along the range, giving climbers of all skill levels many options.

It takes preparation to climb these mountains.

You should be off of the mountain by the time afternoon storms roll around.

This could mean a wake-up call of 2 or 3 a.m. and starting your hike in the dark for some ascents.

Weather also has the tendency to be unpredictable in the state, changing in seconds. Be prepared for various types with a first-

Colorado Daily file photo Longs Peak lights up at sunrise, If you want to make it to the top, you should start before dawn.

aid kit, plenty of food and water, rain gear and warm, dr y clothing. Even on a nice, sunny day, it could be cold at the top.

It is best to hike with others, and watch for dehydration, exhaustion, frostbite, hypothermia and altitude sickness. Yes, all of these are possibilities, even in the summer.

Finally, it is of the utmost importance to practice “Leave No Trace” ethics while climbing — don’t leave anything behind, and

See 14ERS, page 31

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Plan ahead So much sun: The sun is brutal up there. Bring sunscreen and apply it multiple times.

Changing weather: Check the forecast. Watch for possible storms and strong winds. Dress in layers.

Depending on the time of year, the hike can start out quite warm and be very cold by the time you reach the summit. Be mindful of the fact that storms usually develop in the afternoon, so you should start early in the morning.

Snacks and water: Drink plenty of water in advance, and pack a lot, too. It’s easier to get dehydrated up there, so over-prepare.

Leave some in the car for after the hike as well. Bring snacks that are light but high in calories and nutrition. Granola bars are good.

Know your limits: Beyond choosing where to hike, remember that getting to the top is not the end.

Getting back down is difficult, too. Pace yourself and know if you’re going too far. If there’s too much snow to safely traverse and you don’t have the proper gear, turn back. If you lose the trail, do not try to make your own. Seriously, this cannot be stressed enough. Not only is it an environmental no-no, it’s dangerous. Do it in lower, wooded areas, and you could get lost. Do it up high, and you could end up scrambling through a field of loose rock, risking breaking an ankle, or worse, riding a rock slide.

— Staff report

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 29

Hiking from page 27

peaks to the west, chill on the rocky summit, then enjoy the easy cruise down the valley trail at the end.

Bouldering spots are speckled along the way for those inclined to climb.

Trailhead: Two parking areas straddle Sunshine Canyon Drive, just west of Fourth Street.

Royal Arch

3.5 miles (out-and-back/ loop) This hike to a hidden arch in the Flatirons is a local favorite, so you might want to go early, or on a weekday, to avoid the crowds. Going early is a good idea on hot days, too, because the first stretch is sunny. Plus, parking at Chautauqua is a pain in the arse at peak hours.

Brace yourself for this one, because it’s a serious workout. Take as many rest breaks as you need, but keep going because it’s worth it for the close-ups of the Flatirons, and the impressive arch serves as a 20-foot frame for far-

reaching views.

Trailhead: Chautauqua Park, west Baseline Road

Bear Peak

6.3 miles (lollipop) So you’ve acclimated to the altitude here, tested yourself on lesser trails and are feeling ambitious. Are you ready for a hike to test your endurance? It’s time to take on the Bear.

Easily recognizable from postcards, Bear Peak rises about 3,000 over Boulder; it’s Green Mountain’s grumpy sibling. Power up the steep Fern Canyon Trail through forest to the summit (bonus points for tacking on the summit of South Boulder Peak, just to the south), then descend a longer route via Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer the Bear Peak West Ridge Each trail has its own set of rules for bikes, horses, dogs, etc. Betasso Preserve, for example, allows and Bear Canyon trails. bicyclists every day except Wednesdays and Saturdays.

It’s a tough day out, and therefore lightly traveled.

When you get high enough, you’ll see blackened patches For more information, please contact the University of Colorado - Boulder ROTC that mark the path of 2012’s at 303-492-3549 Flagstaff Fire. or visit goarmy.com/rotc/buffalo.

See HIKES, page 42

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The state has 54 peaks taller than 14,000 feet along the range.

Leave No Trace 1. Plan ahead and prepare 2. Travel and camp on durable surfaces 3. Dispose of waste properly 4. Leave what you find 5. Minimize campfire impacts 6. Respect wildlife 7. Be considerate of other visitors Source: lnt.org/learn/ 7-principles

14ers

from page 28 leave what you do find.

If you are new to fourteeners, there are many amazing mountains to choose from.

Kat Clayton performs a handstand on the summit of Torreys Peak as her friends Alex Barrios, Nick Crespi and Lauren Barrios take pictures of the feat.

Daniel Petty / The Denver Post

Long’s Peak

Height: 14,255 Difficulty: Moderate to difficult Elevation gain: 4,700 feet Length of route: 14 miles While Long’s Peak is one of the more difficult fourteeners to climb, it is the closest to Boulder. It is only an hour away from the city, located in Rocky Mountain National Park. It is the only fourteener in

See 14ERS, page 39

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 31

Get Social

Submit photos of your friends: editor@coloradodaily.com and see them published in Get Social

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Ziwen enjoys the view on Quandary Peak near Breckenridge.

Guys play in a volleyball league organized through MeetUp.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Sarah smiles on her way up Quandary Peak near Breckenridge.

Bicyclists gather at Scott Carpenter Park for the Thursday Cruiser Ride.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily The Flatirons tower over Scott Carpenter Park as a crowd gathers for the Thursday night Cruiser Ride.

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Michael Tschanz catches some air at the Valmont Bike Park.

Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 33

David R. Jennings / Staff Photographer Leaving a bag of crap — from a dog or any mammal — out in public is what we call a Dick Move.

Dogs from page 26 you move to Boulder to get your pooch licensed (or 30 days after you get your pooch, if you’re getting him or her here), and dogs need to wear their license tag at all times to help city officials reunite your dog with you if he or she gets lost.

Getting a license is pretty simple. Your dog must have a current rabies vaccination, and while you’re at the vet’s office, you can purchase your license, too.

You can also mail in a license registration form found on the city’s website.

For a spayed or neutered dog, a license for one year is $15.

If your pets are still, er, intact, it’ll cost you a bit more: $30 for one year.

For more information on licensing, visit bit.ly/ dog-licensing.

Go Green (Tags)

2626 Baseline Rd, Boulder, CO 80305 303.413.0228 republiccyclesboulder.com 34 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

Boulder’s voice and sight tag program, more commonly known as the green tag program, allows pet owners to walk their dogs off leash by meeting certain standards. Owners must watch a video about voice and sight control, register with the city’s

Aside from cleaning up after your dog when you’re out and about, veterinarian Stacey Adams of Boulder’s Natural Animal Veterinary Hospital said you should teach your dog some manners before ever leaving the house. open space and mountain parks department and purchase the tags, which cost $13 for Boulder residents and $33 for people who live in Boulder County but not within city limits. NonBoulder County residents are going to have to shell out $75, but I mean, you moved to Boulder. What did you expect? Renewal

See DOGS, page 38

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 35

Get Social

Submit photos of your friends: editor@coloradodaily.com and see them published in Get Social

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer Fishermen use donuts to lure tubers as they float down Boulder Creek.

Sarah enjoys the view on Quandary Peak near Breckenridge.

Sarah Wachter/ Colorado Daily

Ryan Gooding / For the Colorado Daily Carlos Pinilla and his mother, Gloria Suarez, take a break from hiking to grab a cold drink at the Chautauqua Park General Store.

Andre Fiorito wrestles the water as he tubes down Boulder Creek.

Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer

Sarah Wachter/ Colorado Daily Bicyclists gather at Scott Carpenter Park for the Thursday Cruiser Ride.

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Autumn Parry / Staff Photographer Dogs enjoy excursions out into nature even more than humans do because everything is delightfully smelly and canines have a greater capacity for pleasure than primates. (Editor’s note: This ... hmm, this might actually be a fact. I’ll get back to you on that.)

Dogs from page 34 fees are a little bit cheaper.

To purchase tags, make sure your dog has an up-todate rabies vaccination and you have proof of that vaccination.

Keep in mind, though, that not all city and county parks allow dogs to be off leash. Some don’t even allow dogs at all.

If you’re going to take your pooch out in Boulder, he or she cannot be aggressive toward other people or dogs, according to the city’s website, and you must pick up your dog’s poop immediately. Don’t be a doggie doo-doo derelict.

No one likes those people.

For dog regulations in specific areas and trails, check out boulder colorado.gov/osmp/ dog-regulations-by-area.

Dog parks Boulder has four dog parks where you can take your pup to play. All city ordinances about dogs are enforced, and you must

have your dog on a leash as you approach and exit the dog park.

Boulder dog parks are free and open from dusk to dawn.

The parks are: East Boulder Dog Park, Foothills Dog Park, Howard Heuston Dog Park and Valmont Dog Park. Remember: Dogs aren’t allowed on Pearl Street Mall, leashed or not.

Scott Carpenter Pool also turns into a dog park for two weeks in September for Dog Days (Sept. 14 - 27). At the end of the swimming season, city officials close the pool to humans and let dogs swim. As it should always be.

You can also take your dog to the south shore of the Boulder Reser voir during off-season, which is Labor Day to May 15.

Don’t be a dick dog owner Aside from cleaning up after your dog when you’re

out and about, veterinarian Stacey Adams of Boulder’s Natural Animal Veterinar y Hospital said you should teach your dog some manners before ever leaving the house.

Make sure your dog comes when called, she said, and if you’re not sure how they will behave offleash, keep them leashed.

If you’re hiking, be war y of wild animals and dangerous critters like rattlesnakes. For humans, always ask before approaching or petting another person’s dog. On the flip side, if your dog is aggressive, warn passersby or take your dog to obedience classes, Adams said.

If your female dog is in heat, the city’s website kindly asks that you leave her at home (out of respect for the other dogs, of course).

Karen Antonacci: twitter.com/ktonacci

14ers

from page 31

this park, so it is quite popular, but it’s not easy.

The hike to Keyhole is straightfor ward, but beyond that, you will have to do some scrambling and route finding.

Gray’s and Torrey’s

Height: 14,270 feet and 14,267 feet respectively Difficulty: Easy Elevation gain: 3,000 feet Length of route: 9 miles Gray’s and Torrey’s are some of the most accessible fourteeners in the state, partly because of their proximity to Denver and the rest of the Front Range, but also because both the road and trailhead are manageable. It is one of the more populated mountains, so if you are looking for solitude, this might not be the fourteener for you.

If you want to hike one of the easier fourteeners that isn’t too far from civilization, though, this is perfect.

The peak is just south of I-70 and roughly a two-hour drive from Boulder.

Mt. Democrat, Lincoln, Bross, Cameron

Height: 14,155 feet, 14,293 feet, 14,178 feet and 14,286 feet Difficulty: Easy to moderate Elevation gain: 3,700 feet Length of route: 7.25 miles Mt. Democrat, Lincoln, Bross and Cameron can all be climbed together. The trailhead can be accessed by taking Colo. 9 to Alameda. At Kite Lake trailhead, it is easiest to access Mt. Democrat, and from there, hike to the other trails.

This is an especially cool hike because you can climb four mountains in one day.

It will take you about two and a half hours to drive there from Boulder.

Colorado’s fourteeners

Front Range Grays Peak 14,270’ Torreys Peak 14,267’ Mt. Evans 14,264’ Longs Peak 14,255’ Pikes Peak 14,110’ Mt. Bierstadt 14,060’ Tenmile Range Quandary Peak 14,265’ Mosquito Range Mt. Lincoln 14,286’ Mt. Cameron 14,238’ Mt. Bross 14,172’ Mt. Democrat 14,148’ Mt. Sherman 14,036’ Sawatch Range Mt. Elbert 14,433’ Mt. Massive 14,421’ Mt. Harvard 14,420’ La Plata Peak 14,336’ Mt. Antero 14,269’ Mt. Shavano 14,229’ Mt. Princeton 14,197’ Mt. Belford 14,197’ Mt. Yale 14,196’ Tabeguache Peak 14,155’ Mt. Oxford 14,153’ Mt. Columbia 14,073’ Missouri Mountain 14,067’ Mt. of the Holy Cross 14,005’ Huron Peak 14,003’ Elk Mountains Castle Peak 14,265’ Maroon Peak 14,156’ Capitol Peak 14,130’ Snowmass Mountain 14,092’ Conundrum Peak 14,060’ Pyramid Peak 14,018’ North Maroon Peak 14,014’ San Juan Mountains Uncompahgre Peak 14,309’ Mt. Wilson 14,246’ El Diente Peak 14,159’ Mt. Sneffels 14,150’ Mt. Eolus 14,083’ Windom Peak 14,082’ Sunlight Peak 14,059’ Handies Peak 14,048’ North Eolus 14,039’ Redcloud Peak 14,034’ Wilson Peak 14,017’ Wetterhorn Peak 14,015’ San Luis Peak 14,014’ Sunshine Peak 14,001’ Sangre de Cristo Range Blanca Peak 14,345’ Crestone Peak 14,294’ Crestone Needle 14,197’ Kit Carson Peak 14,165’ Challenger Point 14,081’ Humboldt Peak 14,064’ Culebra Peak 14,047’ Ellingwood Point 14,042’ Mt. Lindsey 14,042’ Little Bear Peak 14,037’ Source: 14ers.com

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 39

KNOW YOUR COLUMNIST

Fritz stars in ‘I’m Not There’

Jeanine Fritz nails the sublime and absurd every Monday

By Deanna Hardies Colorado Daily Editor eanine Fritz has been there, done that and wrote all about it. Her column “I’m Not There” appears every Monday in the Colorado Daily.

A glimpse through her looking glass will make you snort, ugly cry and nod vigorously in agreement. She has survived tornadoes, wielded eldritch magics and mastered the multicultural hangover cure.

Feast your peeps on her wisdom: Philosophers hate her!

What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

J

40 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

BBC detective shows.

Something about silly murders (say, a railroad spike from Lord Atherbury’s grandfather’s collection) executed by silly murderers (Jan Beecroft was going to win Best Orchid this year; she had to die!) and nabbed by the calm, reasonable bobbies (“We’ve run you to the end of this library aisle, Mrs. Harris.

Now turn around and we’ll escort you to the station.”) makes the inside of my head chill out.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

See FRITZ, page 42

Jeanine Fritz and Wally cast their irresistible “come hither” look from the bar.

Courtesy photo

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• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 41

Fritz from page 40

BA WE ck LcO Sp m Ec E IAL S!

Oh summer dog doos, You stick to the patio.

Where is the hose, please?

A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?

I’m going to pretend mind control is a legitimate choice here. I choose Mind Control for $600, Alex. (And if you don’t edit this out, that might mean it’s already working!)

If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

My 80-pound dog, Wally. He looks a lot like Falkor from “The Neverending Story.”

If I rifled through your fridge, what’s the most scandalous item I am likely to find?

What constitutes “scandalous” here? Foods that aren’t normally in fridges (leftover icing), foods that are shunned by a great many people (beets and Brussels sprouts), or foods that aren’t foods (batteries)?

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

Oh, for sure, it’s flushing.

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you

gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce’s “Lemonade.” Who do you raise from the dead, and what’s their hit single?

Hrrrmmmm, I guess I’d shoot for Beethoven — the composer, not the dog. He was schooled in music from an early age, but then eventually became totally deaf, right, but that didn’t stop him from composing things because he remembered what everything sounded like. So I’d like to see what he does when he’s trying to compose music he’s never heard before. His hit single would be called “Oops, I Did It Again.”

What college-level course are you qualified to teach?

BBC Detective Shows of the Mid-to-Late 1990s.

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

Every cat I’ve had likes to bring half-dead animals into the house that spring to life as I get close, so I’m gonna go with high-intensity interval training with a focus on cardio.

Read more Fritz: colorado daily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/J9Fritzy

Hikes from page 30

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Look for bears — but you’re more likely to see dogs. And keep in mind that the biggest danger you might encounter on this or other local trails is poison ivy.

Trailhead: National Center for Atmospheric Research, west end of Table Mesa Drive.

Betasso Preserve

Up to 8 miles (loops) Betasso’s Canyon Loop Trail is beloved by hikers, trail runners and mountain bikers, so don’t expect solitude — just make new friends.

The 3.12-mile Benjamin Trail provides an extra loop

to tack on to the Canyon Loop. It’s narrow and steep in places, so pass others with care. An 0.8-mile connector trail links Benjamin to Fourmile Canyon Drive, and an easy 0.3-mile jog will lead you to the Blanchard Cabin.

Bikes are not allowed at Betasso on Wednesdays or Saturdays, so hike then if you want to avoid the twowheeled crowd.

Trailhead: Head west up Boulder Canyon (Canyon Boulevard) about 4 miles from the edge of town to Sugarloaf Road. Go north on Sugarloaf Road 0.9 miles to Betasso; right to two trailheads.

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 43

KNOW YOUR COLUMNIST

Marsh stars in ‘Under the Influence’

Liz Marsh’s columns are like a bear hug for your mind twice a month in the Daily

By Deanna Hardies Colorado Daily Editor xercise and parties: These are the foundations of a healthy body and soul, and Liz Marsh can balance them with the best. This merry athlete will clue you in to the yin and yang of running yourself ragged and then celebrating with victory beers. If you’re looking for a good time, look her up every other Tuesday in the Colorado Daily.

Here’s a glimpse into the mind of Marsh: Philosophers hate her!

What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

Booze. I come from an Irish Catholic family, and we have a tendency to die young and in pairs. We also have a tendency to get sauced and stare straight into the void. True story: My grandmother died on the day of my uncle’s funeral. The Archdiocese was quite busy that day picking up the departed, because they couldn’t tend to us for hours.

My cousins and I took shifts waiting at my grandmother’s house with her body and helping to set up my uncle’s nowdelayed funeral. We had a lot

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What fictional drug are you most curious to try?

What’s a fictional drug?

What does that even mean?

Now I’m questioning all the drugs I’ve never tried. Are bath salts real? I don’t want to try them because from what I understand they make people eat other people’s faces off.

One time behind a port-o-let at a concert, a woman yelled, “Tamales for sale!” She then clarified by yelling, “Tamales!

Not Molly!” I know Molly is real. And tamales. All in all, I’d really just rather have tamales.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

Hillary’s ready Fucking seriously, dudes Cut the shit and vote A time traveler from 100 years hence offers you your choice of the fruits of transhumanism: chlorophyll skin, webbed toes, carbon fiber bones, you name it. What genetic/surgical modification do you make to your body?

Loyal readers of this column (my mom) know that I

See MARSH, page 50

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48 • AUGUST 22, 2016 •

• AUGUST 22, 2016 • 49

Marsh from page 44

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did a triathlon last weekend and it wasn’t pretty. I’m gonna go with webbed toes for $1,000, Alex, so maybe next time I won’t feel like I’m going to meet my maker in Boulder Reservoir.

If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

I think I would use my niece, Sweet Virginia, to conquer the micro-world. She would be tough to train — she’s kind of a wild stallion.

But if I could promise her riches beyond her wildest dreams (read: cookies), I’m fairly certain I could get her to do my bidding. If Sweet Virginia could get the dog to let her ride, we would be an unstoppable team.

If I rifled through your fridge, what’s the most scandalous item I am likely to find?

Nothing. You would find nothing because I don’t keep things in my fridge. I mean sure it’s great storage for hot sauce and wilted lettuce. But I prefer to cook by the seat of my pants. You’d be amazed at the meal you can make with peppermint candies, batteries and baking soda. Chefs, open your mystery baskets!

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

I think I’d roll Norman Bates style. Hide it in plain sight. Yes, I am talking taxidermy. Yes, I do live alone.

WHY AM I SINGLE?!

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce’s “Lemonade.” Who do you raise from the dead, and what’s their hit single?

Dorothy Parker. Her single would be titled “Whiskey — I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

What college-level course are you qualified to teach?

I believe I could get hired to teach a semester of Writing 102, How To Land Your Dream Job as a Writer! It has a co-requisite class: Business 102, How To Survive On $25 a Week.

Courtesy photo This fine-ass beer wench is Liz Marsh.

What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?

God created all Jell-O shots equally.

What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?

I used to work at a construction company, and the majority of the things they talked about made me grin like a demented middle schooler. Keep in mind, they are not euphemisms, or at least, they’re not intended to be. I give you, in no particular order: pipe nipples, bituthene (pronounced bitch-i-thane), deep cracks.

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

If by cats you mean dogs?

Then yes, they provide a great deal of benefit. I believe I have a superhuman immune system due to constantly reaching my arm down my dog’s throat to fish out mystery items that she shouldn’t be chewing on and which will probably kill her. She is also helping me develop my reflexes. Today a mouse ran across my patio, and did the puppy chase it/flinch/notice? No! She really allowed me to just hone my fight-or-flight response all on my own. I chose flight, for the record.

It’s good to know that when the going gets tough, Liz screams like a little girl and runs full speed toward the street.

Read more Marsh: colorado daily.com/columnists

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