Stew on That

This might be controversial to say, but the only two people on this planet I love unconditionally are my kids (and honestly, they’re pushing it). I don’t T know whoever created this concept, it’s so absurd. Just because we happen to be in the same general geographical location and have arbitrarily decided to be friends that I must love you no matter what? Just because we happen to share genetic DNA that means you’re free to act a fool and I still have to love you? Uh, no. My love for my family and friends and yes, even my spouse, is so very conditional – on so many fronts. You drive through Taco Bell and don’t get me a cheesy gordita

crunch? We’re done. You go into a gas station and don’t get me a Snickers? You’re dead to me. You go have delicious drinks at Vortex Alley Brewing and don’t invite me? I’m never speaking to you again. You name your baby the name I told you in 7th grade I wanted to use for my baby? Kick rocks. (Sara, if you’re reading this, I know you think I’ve forgiven you for this especially since I didn’t even have a girl to use the name on, but I haven’t forgiven you, nor have I forgotten). The list goes on and on, but these are obviously the most serious of transgressions that are, in my opinion, unforgivable. You may be thinking, “Oh Rachel, you’re just blowing this out of proportion” and to you I say, “BYE. We’re done.” Because disagreeing with me is also on my list of conditions.

Be the bigger person, you might say. If God wanted me to be the bigger person, he would have made me taller than 5’3”. Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer’s. If you’re thinking, “Wow, she’s petty,” just know I’ve filed the paperwork to legally change my name to Petty Boop.

And lastly you’re probably thinking, “Wow, I bet she doesn’t have a lot of friends …” and you’re not wrong. So in closing, I’m currently accepting applications for casual friendships; you may apply online, but please know there is a rigorous interview process, as well as an iron-clad contract of conditions you must agree to in the event you’re offered the position.

ANDERSON J. DARK MYCHELLE M. HOLLIDAY