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How a Fall from Grace Led a York Regional

from The Dispatch - The Official Magazine of the Police Association of Ontario | Winter 2023

by policeAssocON

from The Dispatch - The Official Magazine of the Police Association of Ontario | Winter 2023, page 30

Article from: The Dispatch - The Official Magazine of the Police Association of Ontario | Winter 2023

Five Officer Deaths in Five We...

“SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WALK THROUGH THE MUD BEFORE YOU FIND YOUR CALLING”

How a fall from grace led a York Regional Police Officer to start a resiliency support group for accommodated members

By Lauren Alpern

Ryan Harrison of the York Regional Police Service comes from a police family, and he wanted to become a police officer to make his father proud. But years of brushing traumatic work experiences under the rug started taking a toll, and the 20-year veteran began having night terrors. It got so bad that he couldn’t sleep, was unable to concentrate, was short with his kids, never took the same route to work and would check the locks on his doors a million times at night.

“Imagine going to bed and waking up to the scariest thing that you could ever imagine happening to you – and reliving that night after night after night,” said Ryan. “It was intense, it was frustrating, and it was tiring.”

That’s when the substance abuse started. Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before it took over Ryan’s life.

“It’s what I thought I needed to do to deal with this, and it was the only way I could get by,” said Ryan, who worked covert operations in the drug enforcement and guns and gangs units. “When you work in an undercover capacity, your adrenaline is so high, you expect it to come down. But I was scared all the time – scared for my family and scared of that lifestyle. It was one of those things that, as a police officer, you never want to admit. I always thought the worst. So, my anxiety always stayed high.”

For Ryan, the anxiety of working under cover never went away.

Top left: This is a picture of Ryan when he first got access to his phone after a month of being admitted into rehab. He thanks Bellwood Health Services for giving him the tools regain to control of his life. According to Ryan, his mother was happy to see a smile on his face when he texted her this picture. Top right: Ryan’s kids motivate him to be the best version of himself every day.

His night terrors got worse. It got to the point where Ryan would drink and take drugs in hope that perhaps he wouldn’t wake up the next morning. Only the thought of his kids, 7-yearold London and 9-year-old Lochlan, kept him holding on. Still, he was constantly driving while under the influence and on July 7, 2019, Ryan was arrested for impaired driving.

That day was both Ryan’s rock bottom and the day that saved his life.

The next morning, after sitting down with his York Regional Police Association Representative, Ryan decided to check himself into the in-patient program at Bellwood Health Services.

“The cat was out of the bag, and I broke down,” said Ryan, who was at Bellwood for two and a half months. “It was almost like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.”

While in rehab, Ryan was diagnosed with extreme complex work-related PTSD, anxiety and depression. Out in September of 2019, Ryan returned to work in December 2020. The road back to work wasn’t an easy one; he wasn’t sure he would ever return.

“I tried my best, going through that time, to think of myself and my own personal well-being before I worried about the work road,” said Ryan, who is learning to live with his PTSD. “The night terrors don’t stop, but the more self-care I put into myself as I recover, like seeing a psychologist, the more it does wonders. Doing things like exposure therapy, working through your trauma and having somebody validate you, make the night terrors happen less and less.”

Ryan and Dave MacDonald (wearing the suit), with the team who put together the Internal Support Network for Working with Restrictions.

Back-to-work for Ryan now looks very different than the undercover guns and gangs police officer he once was. No longer cleared to carry a weapon and now working full-time for the Peer Support Unit, Ryan has spent a lot of time processing just who this version of himself is.

“What has come with this is a lot of time analyzing myself, self-identification, acceptance and being able to change the framework of thinking for the last 18 years,” said Ryan. “It’s been a lot of work to understand my value and worth as a human being and my worth as a police officer, instead of identifying myself by the work I did.”

Inspector Dave MacDonald got to know Ryan well while working in Professional Standards after he was charged. In the fall of 2021, the pair started working together on a project about working with restrictions. It was a perfect fit for Ryan, who was grappling with his own accommodated role. Ryan and Dave worked alongside others to create an Internal Support Network for Working with Restrictions, and from that, Ryan’s idea of a Resiliency Support Group for Accommodated Members was born.

“I knew from the first two meetings we had that there’s a lot of information sharing by members who are in accommodated positions, and it hit me very hard because I had been through some of those things,” said Ryan. “We want to bring people together and validate feelings without it being a venting session, and we want to give people the space and the position to explain how they feel.”

The group meets at a church in Aurora once a month, with approximately 10 members meeting at a time. Ryan uses his experience with Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous to shape the meetings. As the facilitator, Ryan comes up with pre-determined topics for each meeting that

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Ryan’s family always provided him the inspiration and support to help him cope.

have included acceptance, identification, how you view yourself, how others view you, what stage you’re at, and coming to terms with being unable to carry a firearm.

“It’s really about developing these bonds and having these people coming together. We all know what it’s like to be a police officer but then have that taken away from you, preventing you from doing what you signed up to do. How do we change that framework? How does Ryan Harrison come to work every day and be happy with himself?,” said Ryan. “Everybody knew my look and style, but did they really know what I was about? At the end of the day, they knew me for all the wrong reasons. After I realized this and I’m okay with it and can be vulnerable about it, I’ve never felt more like myself, since I was 20 years old when I started. I played a part for the last 18 years.”

While Dave doesn’t know what is discussed in the confidential Resiliency Support Group for Accommodated Members meetings, he has heard about the positive impact the meetings are making on people’s wellness. And he gives all of the credit to Ryan.

“I think one of Ryan’s great gifts is his ability and desire to share and be raw and vulnerable in a way that is atypical in policing. He lays bare all of it and comes to relationships and meetings with the expectations that he’s going to share everything with the intention of making a positive impact on people,” said Dave, who believes that Ryan has found his place. “Ryan really emulates the ability to make a positive impact on people and be authentic in a way that encourages others to do the same. He’s doing that and helping people heal in a safe and open and confidential environment.”

Dave has nothing but respect for Ryan, despite his difficulties. He calls him engaging, positive and authentic.

“I knew him when he was down, and his whole demeanor, his whole view on life, have changed. His ability to have meaningful relationships both in and outside of work has improved immeasurably. I really respect the guy,” said Dave, who, with 22 years of service, is currently working in Court Operations and Administration. “It’s very, very difficult, especially where you’re considered to be a highly trained and high-achieving person in the organization, to have a ‘fall from grace’ and then come from that and make such a positive impact in a completely different way. It’s just remarkable.”

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it’s that little voice inside your head that says, ‘I’m going to try again tomorrow’.”

Joe Styles, beside Ryan, with his arms crossed. According to Ryan, Joe is a true innovator of openness and transparency in policing and a true testament to how emotional intelligence is directly related to being a successful supervisor. Joe is assisting Ryan in facilitating and implementing the first-ever men’s group within the YRP with the objective of transforming the culture in the way men deal with life work and relationships.

Detective Joe Styles has known Ryan for over 15 years and is also incredibly impressed by how he has harnessed his personal difficulties to push for change.

“I see a level of urgency in him, and I recognize it because I had it myself,” said Joe, who, with 15 years of service, has had his own struggles with wellness. “Once you round that corner to a better way of thinking and doing the job, you want that for everyone else because you see it’s attainable. I see that urgency in Ryan now. He has joined the cause, the push, to continue the change in policing culture.”

One of the things that Joe believes will be extremely valuable for the continued success of the Resiliency Support Group is that Ryan is very well respected and credible amongst his York Regional Police colleagues.

“My journey to wellness started in 2011. Back then, there were not the same supports in place. Since then, there has been a major cultural change. The hardest thing is getting the people

who have credibility amongst police officers to speak,” said Joe. “I think where Ryan is really beneficial is that he comes with that established credibility. You have somebody who is looked up to who is now using that platform and that position to help others. I love that.”

Much like Dave, Joe has seen Ryan climb up from the bottom and knows that when he sets his mind to something, he can accomplish anything.

“I’ve seen two different versions of Ryan and I admire both. He’s the last of the old-school police officers. And the silver lining of him hitting rock bottom is that he has adopted the new-school mindset – taking care of yourself, taking care of each other, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and acknowledging the inherent difficulties of the job that exist,” said Joe. “We used to just pretend that everything was fine and we could just do it. I say all the time that the perfect police officer is one with the old-school work ethic and the new-school mindset. I think he embodies that so well. He’s a police officer, and unfortunately, we tend to identify with one so much that it becomes part of our personality, which isn’t the best way to live. He’s a police officer through and through, but he’s also a human being worthy of care and he wants to share that with others now.”

As for Ryan, he has finally found his passion at work – one that allows him to be true to himself.

“Some people find their calling early and they love what they do. I liked being part of a team and being one of the boys, but now, I realize that I was the one who made myself who I am. And I’m glad I figured that out. It’s going to give me career longevity. I’m happy to be able to pass this knowledge on,” said Ryan. “I never really had a passion for anything in this job. Sometimes you find it early or sometimes you have to walk through the mud before you find your calling, which is what happened with me.”

While Ryan still works through his own personal issues, he has remained sober since the night of the incident. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and decisions, and is learning how to deal with the trauma he lives with.

“There are days when it’s still hard to get out of bed and there are nights when I still have night terrors,” said Ryan. “It’s learning how to get out of that hypo state when you go through it, and not being overwhelmed and anxious when you do have an episode.”

Ultimately, Ryan is thankful for the path his life has taken.

“My life isn’t over. I owe it to myself and my family to be the best version of myself every day. I’ve never been a better father and partner,” said Ryan. “I know that I will always have PTSD, but one of the quotes that has stuck with me is: ‘Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it’s that little voice inside your head that says I’m going to try again tomorrow’.”