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Goldfish Maintenance P.S.A
Dear Petco Patrons,
Goldfish Maintenance P.S.A.
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Written by Ryan Steel Illustrated by Jiwoo Kim
Our corporate offices wish to offer our deepest apologies to any customers who have found our newest goldfish food to be unsatisfying to your little undersea friends. We would also like to use this time to offer our deepest condolences to any friends and family you may have lost to the hands of mutated, hyper-intelligent, ultra-violent goldfish that we inadvertently created with our infected batch of Sea-friend™ goldfish food. Compensation will be sent electronically to your card on file within the next 3-10 business days; please be sure to check your spam folder before angrily calling our toll-free helpline at 877-738-6742
Thank you for choosing Petco! Your one-stop shop for all pet-related needs! You know, like dog leashes and stuff? Stay safe!
In the incident of a mutated goldfish attack, please refer to the pamphlet below conducted and distributed by The United States Department of Homeland Security, Lake Michigan Headquarters:
Make Sure to Clean Your Fish's Bowl Once a Week
Initially it’ll seem like your goldfish won’t require much maintenance due to its small size. I mean, there are only so many hours in the day; how many times were you really expected to clean the fishbowl? You only got the silly little fish because you thought it would help your son cope with the loneliness of living without his father. You completely forgot that he just plays on his iPad all day anyway. So, you decide that you only have to clean your new goldfish bowl once a week, but by the end of the week, the glass is filthier than ever. What then, are you expected to drop everything for your unimpressive child's fish? Of course not! It's your one night out with the Gals, and you've earned it! No one said being a single parent would be easy, but they didn't say it would be so hard either. If your little Johnny, who embodies all of the worst qualities of your ex-husband, has a problem with how dirty the fishbowl has become, he can take it up with the babysitter little Becky Hernandez from two doors down!
The Proper Fish Food for Optimum Protein and Healthy Growth
You get home around 1:00 am, three hours later than you had paid the babysitter for. Still, you hadn't expected to start crying outside the Cheesecake Factory in the Hillvalley shopping center after that third cosmopolitan. Don't be so hard on yourself; your friends were there to console you, and that's what friends are for! Besides, little Becky Hernandez probably invited her boyfriend over for some basement business anyway. Now as you
check the fishbowl you'll notice that it’s no longer on the counter where you placed it but instead smashed all over the floor, covering your designer rug, which you spent a fortune on, covered in water, broken glass, Sea-friend™ fish food and ginormous gill-like footprints indenting on the floor leading out to the sidewall that has been smashed through by what looks like some sort of horrible monster. You snap out of the drunken haze you're in and flip on Mom mode, dashing upstairs to check on your son, but before you can make it to his room, you notice the brutalized corpse of little Becky Hernandez, having been completely ripped apart in a manner so violent and cruel you'll most likely need a moment to ponder: "gee that's a little much isn't it? She was an innocent sixteen year old girl and wasn’t she just like a side character? I mean, I get from a narrative stand-point that someone had to die at this point in the story, but did her death really need to be this gratuitous?" It's important to snap out of this thought process quickly so that you can rescue your son, he's the only thing you have left, and the clock is ticking while some evil monster is still out there! After discovering your son in his locked room, you'll need to kick down the door to rescue him. Your diet must contain an optimum amount of protein so that you can survive the raging hellscape your life has become.
Create a Proper Setting to Avoid Infections in Your Fish's Gills
You've been living on the road with your son and a group of survivors that you've bunkered up with at an abandoned Petco store in the Lake Michigan Ave shopping center. By now, you've discovered the cause of the murderous goldfish having been the mutated batch of now recalled Sea-friend™ goldfish food. The bunker is stocked with a barrage of weapons, some of the deadliest weapons sold legally in the United States confused as to why the flesh piercing bullets are ineffective on the fish. At this point, your son has accepted that he needs to start taking personal responsibility for his life after he saved the entire team during that long car chase. You've remembered what you liked about yourself but are still holding back from learning your ultimate lesson. After the defeat that caused you to lose the team leader Marcus at the hands of your old pet goldfish who has become their ruthless leader "Steve the Fish," the resistance team begins to feel as though all hope is lost. Not only are the mutated goldfish stronger than you, but they have acquired a level of intellect so advanced it far surpassed all progress that had been made by humans up to that point. The stock market has collapsed, the internet has been hacked and broadcasts only mutated goldfish propaganda, the supreme court has been annexed by "Steve the Fishes" ruthless henchmen "Jerry the fish" and is now used to hold public executions of powerful world leaders for the mere amusement of the other mutated goldfish. However, as you pack up to take your son on the road, not knowing where you're going, but only knowing that you can never look back, you suddenly discover this pamphlet at the abandoned information desk at the bolted-up Petco you're in and you learn the weak point of the mutated goldfish. Instead of emptying your automatic AK-47 clips into the body and tail of the fish, you must aim directly at the gills. Just then, you're discovered by "Steve the Fish," his ruthless henchmen "Jerry the Fish," as well as a whole army of mutated goldfish, however having learned the fishes weakness as well as the most important lesson of
all, that you can no longer run away from your problems, you become the new leader of the resistance and destroy each of the mutated goldfish by explicitly following the instructions of this nifty little pamphlet. Don't worry if "Steve the Fish '' sneak attacks you; being the malignant narcissist that he is, he'll pause to give you an evil speech about how you should’ve cleaned his fish bowl more often before pulling the trigger. This will give your son ample time to throw a grenade directly into “Steve the Fishes” mouth, having learned how to throw a fastball from you, a skill your deadbeat (and now literally dead) ex-husband never taught him.
Return to the World You Knew Before, Just Remember: It's Different Now
You're a hero; you lead the reconstruction effort, you've become the person you were always destined to be, you have a stronger relationship with your son, the governor even orders a statue built of you at city hall, all is good, right? Almost! Just remember that while you help in rebuilding human civilization, the place that you're from doesn't exist anymore. But most importantly, you're wondering how to prevent such a disaster from happening again?
