The Snowday Issue

the plumber’s Vol. 28 no. 7 •March 12, 2013

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Frosty the Snowman Daniel Dicaire Ice-Wizards of Layout David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Recounters of Winter Sagas Amanda dos Santos David Bailey Daniel Dicaire George Azmy Malavika Subramanian Poppy Cox Photo-Frame-Fillers Alex Foty (Cover) David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Brigid Cami

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 28 no. 7

Letter from the Editor Welcome back from Spring Break!

The administration calls it “Reading Week”, but I didn’t do much reading beyond the price tags of those beer cases. Normally I cut them some slack, because it isn’t really “Spring Break” if there’s a blizzard. This year is different. This year the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and I saw the sidewalk in front of my apartment for the first time in months. IT WAS SPRING BREAK! Unfortunately, it means our awesome cover picture is a tad out of date, but we haven’t perfected time travel here at the Faucet (yet) so it will have to do. Also, look at it. There’s a fucking catapult on it!

I digress. I hope all of you enjoyed that brief moment of respite from assignments and midterms. But at least there’s good news this week.

This Friday is not only the return of Blues Pub. This Friday is not only the annual St. Patrick’s day Blues Pub. It’s the 50 Shades of Green St. Patrick’s Day Blues Pub! EUS publications (Faucet, Ledger, etc.) and Queer Engineer will co-host what is sure to be the rowdiest Blues Pub this side of Rowdy Day. Irish Car Bombs, bangers and mash, as well as contests which give the winners such prizes as extended Happy Hour - this Blues Pub will have it all. All the info is on the Facebook page, but there still may be a few other surprises.

We hope to see you there!

-DD

the plumber’s FAUCET

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Surviving the Blues Pub Fire Code

by Set Phasers to Pun

What to do with yourself in the agonizing line to entry? How do you distract your mind from the ecstasy you will shortly attain? I believe the Faucet can be of some assistance.

First, stretch. Friday night drinking events are professional sports in several countries that I just made up, including “Mynameistan”, and “The People’s Republic of SSMU”. To avoid injury, I recommend stretching the muscles most susceptible to injury, starting with your legs. While waiting in the closely packed line, lean forward and touch your toes. Should people ask what you are doing, or yell things like “You’re holding up

the line, Asshole!” make no reply, as they are likely opposing players and wish to distract you from your athletic preparation. Hold the pose until you feel that everyone hates you.

Then transition into stretching your diaphragm by yelling really, really loud. This increases your ability to consume your beverage of choice, as well as practice for communication inside the deafening main chamber.

Now that your body is ready, you should prepare your mind. Ask yourself deep philosophical questions like, “If a tree falls over in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will someone still say it’s Plan Nord’s fault?” or “What is the sound of one man fapping?”. These questions will help you find your centre.

Who knows, if it’s a busy night, you could even reach a higher plane of existence before you can get drunk and tell everyone about it.

If you don’t believe in competitive leisure activities, you are still welcome in Blues Pub. Time in the line could turn into a gathering in and of itself. Book a DJ and you can have all the loud music you want. A clever entrepreneur could even get a liquor license for the basement hallway and have a pre-Blues Pub. The possibilities are endless!

So until we get a permit to blast another exit into the basement wall or we develop teleportation, you can still enjoy the dark and crowded hallway of McConnell as you await the Promised Land. Or you could just bring a bucket and not have to leave. #6party

See this, and all of our past issues in glorious full-colour PDFs on :

issuu.com/plumbersfaucet

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For ladies and gentlemen who know how to have fun on Friday nights, a serious setback has befallen us all.

Our once proud and rambunctious lair of Blues Pub has been struck a terrible blow. The entrance to our beloved Common Room is now besieged with hopeful entrants who cannot pass unto the fold. It seems that Darth Fire Marshall has defined the safety capacity at Blues Pub to be well below our accustomed level.

He believes that should an emergency arise, the two humongous doors leading into the Common Room are not enough to allow people to flee quickly. Regardless of our opinion on the matter, his word is law. And so it is a sad duty that one of the hosts shall keep tally forever more on the number of people inside. In order to allow everyone to have their turn inside Blues Pub, as they taught us in kindergarten, every time someone leaves they get replaced with someone in line. Thus everyone waits, but just about everyone gets in.

4 the plumber’s FAUCET

How to Ruin Your Childhood (Disney Movie Pick Up Lines)

by The Faucet Staff

Alladin: “My lamp isn’t the only thing that grants wishes when you rub it.”

Pinocchio: “It’s cold outside baby, want to blow my nose?”

Stinky Pete: “When I’m around, you won’t need your little friends Woody and Buzz.”

Ariel: “If you go down on me, I promise I’ll smell as fresh as the ocean.”

Gaston: “No one says ‘NO’ to Gaston!”

Gaston: “And every last inch of me is covered with hair.”’

Simba: “I wouldn’t mind having my pride in your circle of life.”

Pinocchio: “It’s not only my nose that grows longer when I see you.”

Pinnochio: “Guess what grows when I’m lying, next to you.”

Hercules: “I go from Zero to Hero, just like that.”

Japedo: “My name’s Japedo, and you look like you’re a real boy.”

Any: “Your castle or mine?”

Alladin: “My cum is shining, shimmering, splendid.”

Quasimodo: “If you let me into your cathedral, I’ll make you a hunchback too.”

Buzz Lightyear: “I can take your orgasms to infinity and beyond” Prince Eric: “I bet you’ve seen all sorts of seamen, mermaid” Simba: “You’ll feel more than just the love tonight” Woody: “Hi, I`m Woody.”

Prince Charming: “When you get to my balls, you`re going to stay way past midnight.”

Ariel: “The only crabs I have speak with a Jamaican accent.”

the plumber’s FAUCET

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6 the plumber’s FAUCET

Time Travelers’ Section!* “We Saw Your Boobs” Part II

by Morning Applewood

The Faucet’s Take on that Lovely Song from the Oscars We saw your boobs We saw your boobs In the porno that we saw, we saw your boobs

Alicia Monet in ‘Lawrence of Labia’ Daisy Marie in ‘Big Trouble in Little Vagina’

Sasha Grey, we saw your boobs in ‘Sasha Grey’s Anatomy’ Lisa Ann in ‘Nailin Palin’ Kaitlyn Ashley, we saw your boobs in ‘A Clockwork Orgy’ They made us feel excited and alive!

Ashley Phillips we saw your boobs in ‘White Men Can’t Hump’ Brigitte Aime, we saw them in ‘Sexorcist‘ Cheri Taylor in ‘Good Will Humping’ Anne Berlin in ‘Charlie’s Anals’ We haven’t seen Justin Bieber’s boobs at all!

We saw your boobs We saw your boobs In the porno that we saw, we saw your boobs Crystal Breeze we saw your boobs in ‘The Sperminator’ And in ‘Whore of the Rings’ we saw Aurora Snow’s Avy Scott, we saw them in ‘Whore of the Rings 2’ And Kim Kardashian we saw them on our phones!

Ashley Nicole we saw your boobs in ‘Edward Penishands’ Alexa Parks in ‘Fatal Erection’

And Ashlynn Brooke in a porno parody of ‘30 Rock’ And of the ‘70s Show’ And of the ‘Big Bang Theory’ And of ‘Scrubs’ And of ‘Seinfeld’ And of ‘The Office’ And whatever you’re shooting right now!

We saw your boobs We saw your boobs Ladies And Gentlemen... The Gay Man’s Chorus of Los Angeles We saw your boobs. We saw your boobs We saw your boobs. We saw your boobs We saw your boobs boobs boobs We saaaaw your boobs (We SAAAWWW YOOOHHUUUR BOOOOOBS)

Drinking Game for The Oscars

by Future Malavika Subramanian

1. Drink every time you see a sparkly dress 2. Drink every time someone says thank you 3. Drink every time someone thanks Harvey Weinstein 4. Finish your drink every time someone is played off the stage 5. Drink every time Seth McFarlane does an impression 6. Drink for every nomination Meryl Streep has ever got 7. Finish your drink because all the Bonds are going to be on stage together for the first time 8. Maybe have some water during the commercial breaks *We at the Faucet Are dilligintly working on that time ma chine we talked about in the editor’s note. We know we`ll get it eventually because some of our writers dropped these articles off while wearing silver spandex and generally looking like they were from the future. Yes this content is totally from time travelers, and not old stuff that we haven`t had time to print because of midterms. Trust me. Would I lie to you?

the plumber’s FAUCET

Funding Wars: A New Hope

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by Liquid Giggles

McGill has 99 problems, but money ain’t one (soon at least) Well, it’s just one crisis after another. First there was the MUNACA strike where McGill and its employees competed to seem more hard done by. Then there was the terrorist attack on James Admin by the Bucketshitters. After that was the red square thing, when literally dozens of protesters took to the streets to protest tuition increases. But now Parti Québécois has taken over, and their wise leadership will soon bring peace and riches to the province by offering translations to odious English words like “Walmart” and “Pasta”. In the meantime though, they need to implement a few budget cuts.

Here then are some ways for McGill to sort out its money troubles: 1. Take advantage of Quebec business practices:

So McGill is on the chopping block. It needs to make a bunch of cuts quickly, otherwise Marois is going to convert the campus into a theme park called the “Glorious Country of Quebec No-Anglo Fun-Land”. It will be complete with a petting zoo where the animals are named after federalist politicians like Trudeau and Harper, as well as a special roller coaster where the seat-belts only activate if you know how to say “seatbelt” in French.

Things seem pretty dire for McGill, because even if there is room for cuts, you can’t just make them on the fly. Here at the Faucet, we think that what McGill needs now is a good get-rich-quick scheme that will raise it the few tens of millions of dollars needed to avoid making cuts. To that end, we have come up with a few possible options which will pull McGill cleanly out of the crisis.

One of the easiest ways McGill can make money fast is to collude with the Mafia. All indications are that Quebec is teeming with cigar-chomping, wisecracking embezzlers, and there are already allegations that they have infiltrated companies working with McGill. The anti-corruption police raided the McGill University Health Centre in September seeking evidence that over $20 million was paid in kickbacks for the new hospital being built.

If it turns out we really are paying “mafia expenses” like this, at the very least we should try to take a cut. We can find ways to make it easier for the mafia to take its share, and in exchange they’ll make some donations to the University. Besides, it’s not like it’s any less ethical than charging naïve first-years more than a thousand bucks a month for residence or rolling over student-run food services like Arch Café.

8 the plumber’s FAUCET 2. Consider unconventional staffing solutions:

3. Seek additional sources of revenue:

This option involves replacing a few of the least effective professors with hobos. The majority of our teaching staff is great, but like any university we have some bad apples. Occasionally you get a professor who is unkempt, uncharismatic, ineffective at teaching, and liable to lash out for no particular reason. As long as we’re going to have people like that on staff, we might as well get the discount version that’s available outside any corner store. And that’s probably an unfair characterization of hobos, so we might actually get an improvement.

Besides lower wages, another advantage of this option is that McGill will be aiding the underprivileged.

It could be an experiment in “social adaption to socio-environmental factors and the examination of context-based prosperity”. Either that or some other artsy-fodder for the remaining professors to play around with so that they aren’t too insulted by the change.

This is to be acomplished by turning McLennan into a strip club. The Faucet has advocated this course of action in the past (See “A Modest Proposal from a Plumber to Plummer” in the October 2011 issue). At that time, turning McLennan into a strip club was being suggested as an alternative form of stress relief to exam-time-puppies. Now we are pretty much forced to bring in the strippers due to economic considerations.

Look at it this way: McLennan isn’t very useful to engineering students, and since we’re the most productive ones on campus it’s basically wasted space.

However, it does have a prime party location in the middle of Montreal, and though it may look like a big ugly block right now, you could easily turn it into a real party-box if you add some neon lights and glitter.

And you know what? With their unique life experiences, the hobos might even contribute to McGill’s sublime research reputation. The fields of thermodynamics and nutrition would benefit greatly from formal studies on the cooking of street-caught pigeons using newspaper as fuel. Civil engineering would gain a boost from advances in cardboard construction techniques. Hell, even if McGill had lots of money it would still be a good idea to hire a few hobos.

Getting cheap employees will be simple. Artsies work for MacDonald’s wages and they certainly won’t have any qualms about stripping. The ones who already do work on St. Cat’s will prefer to relocate to a job nearer to school so that they can take shifts between classes. McGill can also create a course on “Applied Cultural Examination of Eroticism”, and as long as they make it an easy A so that artsies can boost their GPA, we shouldn’t have any problem getting plenty of free labour. And of course we’ll get both male and female strippers since we want to be equitable.

All McGill has to do then is hire a few 6’ 5” tall, 400 lb grumpy guys as bouncers, charge money for drinks and cover, then rake in the cash. I bet even a few city politicians might become regular customers.

the plumber’s FAUCET 4. Make more aggresive us of our intellectual resources: McGill’s final option is to become evil. We already talked about colluding with the mafia, but that’s merely unethical. McGill has many of the most brilliant minds in the world, and we should be able to commercialize on that to get us out of the current slump.

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And there you have it - there’s no reason for McGill to be a fiscal basket case. We have all the resources to get ourselves back on a firm financial footing if we can just ignore petty morality. After all, the ends justify the means. Since McGill is the best school around, every option should be considered.

A modest solution is simply to use our pulp and paper research facilities to develop ways to counterfeit American bills. The U.S. doesn’t have the thiefproof-magic-rainbow-plastic bills that Canada has, so it should be relatively simple. Another easy option is to sell secrets to autocratic regimes around the world.

Iran will pay big for some of our nuclear know-how and North Korea could learn from our poli-sci professors to find new and better ways to suppress its people.

We likely won’t be able to sell to China though, since their government-backed hackers have probably stolen everything of value anyway.

But with so many smart people, McGill can do better. Forget modest treason – we need to pull some mad-scientist shit. Environmental studies profs could try to work on a weather machine and our comrades at Mac Campus should be able to clone us an army of giant bees. McGill could invest in gold and have the physics department irradiate Fort Knox to drive up prices, like in Goldfinger. We have engineering professors who have worked for NASA – one of them should be able to find a way to divert Haley’s comet into a city like Winnipeg. There are so many ways McGill can threaten to cause destruction. We just need to turn these doomsday schemes into a reality, extort a hefty ransom, then enjoy freedom from the vicissitudes of provincial politics.

YOUR CHEAP ARTSY/ QUEEN’S JOKE HERE Do you have a funny one-liner that you don’t know where to put? How about a silly comic you drew on a napkin? Hell, maybe you drew a particularly creative penis in your last set of notes? At the Faucet we know shit-all about filling random blank spaces at the end of articles, so we’ll take pretty much anything. Giggles is a wordy bastard and took 3 pages for his article, so if your content is at least 1/14 th as funny as whatever he wrote, it’s probably good enough for this corner. We welcome longer stuff and permanent writers too. Just email faucet@mcgilleus.ca!

10 the plumber’s FAUCET

Transcripts: The Good, The Bad, and The Customized How to modify your transcript to get the job, in 6 easy steps

by Poppy Cox While CCOM and CAPS guide you through writing resumes and cover letters, you can count on the Faucet to show you how to embellish your transcript. If you think it consists only of changing your grades to increase your GPA, then you desperately need to read this because that is only the beginning.

I’ve been having so much fun applying for jobs on myFuture. I actually fear the day someone hires me, because I think I might get withdrawal symptoms, like that time I tried to quit Reddit. What can I say, I’m addicted to the rush of writing endless cover letters. I’m a one-woman, job-search-document-producing machine. And since resumes and cover letters aren’t enough, many companies also require a copy of my transcript. McGill doesn’t offer us a printable copy though. Instead, they conveniently suggest that we paste it into Word and reformat it to be more attractive to the employer. So there I was, deleting extra spaces and fixing font sizes. A thought occurred to me and I’m pretty sure the same one occurred to you, Faucet reader.

Now, there is a warning on myFuture - altering your transcript is a violation that will lead to disciplinary action. Do you know what else has a warning label?

Q-tips. The packaging warns against sticking them in your ear canal and I don’t know about you, but my ear canals are just fine. I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s safe to proceed with this as well. In the words of Oscar Wilde, every saint has a past and every sinner has a myFuture.

Like a good résumé, you need your transcript to speak to each potential employer individually to convince them you’re best suited for the job. While everyone sends the same generic transcript to employers, your targeted transcript will reflect the academic career of their dream employee, moving you ahead of the pack.

Here are the steps to producing an optimized, targeted transcript.

*See disclaimer at end of article.

Step 1 : Find a job posting Navigate to the “jobs” tab of myFuture and search away. You’ve probably noticed that you can’t navigate back using your browser: you need to use the button on the page. And don’t even try to open anything in a new tab, as bad things will happen. Though the site is misleadingly named yourFuture, to make this process as smooth as possible pretend you’re in the year 2005 or maybe that it’s 2012 and you’re on WebCT. For nostalgia’s sake, use Internet Explorer. Once you’ve found a job that interests you, read the posting carefully.

For example, I have found a posting for a nuclear weapons engineer, location worldwide (Russia, Pakistan, North Korea).

Step 2: Analyze the requirements As you read through the posting, highlight the key skills needed. Next, do a quick internet search for information about the company’s philosophy, and extrapolate some more skills. Jot down all the required skills in the left column of a table, as shown below. In the right column, match each skill to an appropriate course that you could have taken at McGill, but obviously didn’t. Do this by searching through the University’s course offering list. Though this step is tedious, it’s important because it adds credibility to your transcript. Think of all the time you’ve already invested in personalizing your resume and cover letters. Five more minutes will ensure that a simple Google search has no chance of exposing your modified transcript.

Carrying on with my example of a transcript for a nuclear weapons engineering job, I completed the table below:

the plumber’s FAUCET Step 3: Delete evidence of your poor choice of electives If you are applying for a job with a company that has no regard for the environmental effects of its operations, it’s best to remove “Philosophy of Climate Change” and those other artsy electives you took.

Had I taken “World Peace”, I would have promptly removed it from my transcript.

Step 4: Place the new courses into your transcript and adjust the grades To help you understand, I have completed a second targeted transcript, this time, for a job as an engineer for the city of Montreal.

Note the use of grades as a means of character development. Quebec politics and risk engineering both get grades of A, to demonstrate a mastery of the subject matter. On the other hand, a low grade will show disinterest. For this reason, I gave myself a C in ethics. Don’t give yourself unnecessarily terrible grades; the goal is not to lower your GPA but to make yourself more desirable in the eyes of the employer.

McGall

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STEP 5: Repeat steps 1-4 for each job you plan on applying for STEP 6: Upload your documents Grab a few beers to drink while you congratulate yourself on your prowess and wait for your documents to upload to myFuture.

There you have it! You’re now ready to confidently send out your attractive, targeted transcripts to potential employers. With no shitty transcript standing in the way of your success, go out and land that great job that you’ve always wanted.

*Disclaimer: Keep in mind that the Faucet is satire. We are not actually recommending you modify your transcript. That would get us and you into actual trouble.

Poppy Cox

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12 the plumber’s FAUCET The North American’s Guide to Pooping Around The World:

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bidet

by Morning Applewood It may never cross your minds that washrooms in other countries may have different setups to the simple North American one consisting of one toilet, one roll of toilet paper, and a sink – but it is often very different in other parts of the world. While many North Americans find it sufficient to merely wipe their anus post-defecation, this is considered plain-out gross by many cultures. I mean think of it this way: if you’re walking bare foot and accidently stepped on a pile of crap, would you wipe it off with paper towels? Or give it a good scrub with copious amounts of water and possibly soap?

Anal cleansing comes in many shapes and forms around the world and I will showcase a variety.

1. Newspapers The earliest use of newspapers for post defecation cleansing can be traced back to China – far before modern day toilet paper was a cheaply accessible commodity. It widely spread to North America and the expanded to the use of phonebooks and catalogs (in fact many of them were distributed with a hole in the corner to be easily hung from hooks in washrooms.

‘Murica!)

Author’s note: This is a very viable money-saving option for McGill, given the budget cuts and the vast abundance of The McGill Daily and Le Delit on the stands around campus.

2.

Toilet Paper: Rolls of 2-3 ply tissue paper, soft as Egyptian cotton, and now a standard in every washroom. Used as a primary or secondary cleansing form depending on the country.

Author’s note: the McGill Daily might not be as soft, but its free, so it’s a perfect option when you’re broke.

3. Water With the evolution of plumbing, many countries realized the potential this had for anal cleansing and several mechanisms where developed across the world to utilize the fluid flow of water:

France – The Bidet (pr. Bid-eih)

3.a.

A bidet is a second fixture in the French washroom that serves the purpose of spraying water on the user’s anus – typically used for a few seconds, then toilet paper is used for drying. Simple, elegant, and clean. Commonly used in many Western European countries like Italy, Spain, Portugal, and of course, France.

Did you know that the McGill Daily has proven a very effective drying agent?

3.b. Middle East Several technologies are used throughout in the Middle East for water propulsion. In some countries, Turkey or Egypt for example, toilets come with a nozzle in the bowl, directly aimed at the anus and activated by a tap on the side of the toilet at arm’s reach. In other countries, there’s a short hose next to the toilet with a spray nozzle at the end. Fucking genius.

3.c. Japan The Japanese make it a bit more high tech, expanding on the setup used in Turkey/Egypt to have a control panel on the side. The control panel lets you control water temperature and water pressure, along with buttons to self –clean the nozzle (I know, right?) and, best of all, to blow-dry your anus. Yes, that’s right: blowfucking-dry your anus. ‘nuff said.

the plumber’s FAUCET While all these incredible water-based systems might get you thinking, “Damn, I’ve been missing out my whole life, I should get in on that!” you might be outta luck finding some of these here in Montreal. However, there are indeed many plumbers that can install one on top of your existing setup. For about $200, you can get an add-on installed on any toilet (beneath the rear of the toilet seat) giving you some of the functionality of a Japanese toilet.

Faucet-Noire: A Day at Our Office

by Liquid Giggles Many of you are wondering what it’s like being a writer for the Faucet. I think the best way to show you is to spin you a tale of a day at our office. I swear we have an office. It’s twice as big as the Red Herring’s, and it has a keg! Anyway, as long as I’m spewing BS, you might as well make up the story yourself.

Here is a short guide on how to use it, should you decide to upgrade:

Fill in the blanks and enter them on page 14!

1) Put down the toilet seat

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2) Sit down 3) Commence pooping 4) Make origami out of The Daily. (Probably better off not reading it.)

5) Once done with said pooping, adjust the temperature nozzle to desired temperature 6) Slowly, increase the pressure from 0 and stop when it gets uncomfortable

REMAIN SEATED THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE – VERY VERY IMPORTANT!

7)

8) Dry with a page from The Daily 9) Get up, and switch on the self-cleaner 10) Flush, and wash hands. Please Any there you have it. Next time you walk out of the washroom with a squeaky clean and dry anus, remember to thank me - even if you still have a couple pieces of newspaper stuck on it.

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Adjective ________________________________ Well-known building_______________________ Famous person’s name _____________________ A crime _________________________________ Article of clothing _________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Animal __________________________________ Noun ___________________________________ Noun ___________________________________ Internal organ ____________________________ Piece of furniture __________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Piece of furniture __________________________ Article of clothing _________________________ Noun ___________________________________ Type of professional _______________________ Type of family member _____________________ Verb ending in -ing ________________________ Type of professional _______________________ Verb, past tense ___________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Noun ___________________________________ Piece of furniture __________________________ Adverb __________________________________ Body part ________________________________ Body part ________________________________ Location ________________________________ Noun, plural ______________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Verb ____________________________________

14 the plumber’s FAUCET

Faucet-Noire - A Day at Our Office Fill in Page 13 before completing!

Well, it was looking like just another 1.______________ day at the Faucet Office on the fifth floor of the 2. ______________. I was sitting at my desk having a smoke and reading the morning’s headlines.

“President 3. ___________________ impeached after being accused of 4. ______________”. Another slow news day.

Then all of a sudden this dame walked in, wearing a long red 5. ______________. She had a frightened atmosphere about her, like a 6. ______________ 7. ______________, but she hid it well. Obviously a dame that’s seen a lot of 8. ______________ in her time and has learned to adapt, but who by nature will never get used to 9. ______________. She obviously had a good 10. ______________, which isn’t common in my line of work.

“G’day missus,” I said, “What brings you to the Faucet Office”?

She walked up to my 11. ______________, and coolly took a seat on it. She was putting on an act, trying to seem 12. ______________, but I saw right through her. “It was pretty hard to get into here. The security guard was very 13. ______________ - but I can be very 14. ______________.”

I tapped my cigarette on the 15. ______________ and took off my 16. ______________. “Yeah, well the doorman isn’t going to let just any 17. ______________ into Faucet headquarters, is he? Now don’t skip the question ‘mam, what brings you here?”

“I need your help.”

“It’s a cruel world ‘mam; why not call up a 18.______________?”

“Not that kind of help. I’ll give it to you straight. I think my 19. ______________ has been 20. ______________ with my brother’s 21. ______________, and I need to stop it.”

I 22. ______________ a bit, “And why do I care?”

She had a 23. ______________ look in her eye, “Because my 19. ______________ is running for 24. ______________ of Montreal. You can make headlines if you prove it, and I won’t have to worry about him 20. ______________ anymore”

I sat up in my chair, “Listen dame, I don’t do intrigue – not funny enough”

The dame slid off the 25. ______________, and moved 26. ______________ to the back of my chair. She held out her 27. _______________ and started to slide it up my 28. _____________. “Maybe I can convince you to see the exciting side of the story”.

I laughed, “It’s Monday missy. That kind of persuasion doesn’t work on Monday. I can pick up plenty of dames at the 29. ______________ on Monday. I only accept 30. ______________ on Monday.

She turned red and withdrew her 27. ______________. She turned around and walked straight out of my office. Ah well, it happens. I’ve seen a lot of 31. ______________ stuff in my time. Anyway, I had a feeling she’d be back to 32. ______________ me – that’s the way things always are at the Faucet Office.

the plumber’s FAUCET

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Longer, Harder, and Family-Friendlier:

by Liquid Giggles

Faucet Word Search 4.0

The Faucet is in crisis mode! You guys are too good at these bloody word search things, and we only have a limited number of T-Shirts left. The winner of last issue’s Faucet Word Search was the man known only as Tak. His impressive knowledge of everything sordid has given him the ultimate tool for making everything sordid. He is the proud owner of a Faucet T-Shirt, and as a result was recently recruited by Zeus to replace Aphrodite as the sex god.

Zeus is still looking for demi-gods/demi-goddesses of debauchery, orgies, cunnilingus, and facials to assist the new sex god, and he is only hiring those with Faucet T-Shirts. If you’re interested in employment in this field, all you need to do is be the first to send the secret phrase to faucet@mcgilleus.ca. You can find the secret phrase by using the remaining letters after finding all 15 given words, then all 47 hidden words (that’s right, 47! Muhahaha) that certainly are not all synonyms for a non-family-friendly term - after all, we like to keep it clean at the Faucet. But bear in mind, this is the hardest Faucet Word Search yet, and even the most sordid may not survive. Did I mention there are also diagonal words this time?

27. __________ 28. __________ 29. __________ 30. __________ 31. __________ 32. __________

33. __________ 34. __________ 35. __________ 36. __________ 37. __________ 38. __________

39. __________ 40. __________ 41. __________ 42. __________ 43. __________ 44. __________

45. __________ 46. __________ 47. __________ 48. __________ 49. __________ 50. __________

51. __________ 52. __________ 53. __________ 54. __________ 55. __________ 56. __________

1. FAMILY 2. PLUCK 3. ETHIC 4. WHOLE 5. SWEET 6. GOOD 7. DRIVE 8. DEAR 9. YAWN 10. REAL 11. PLUM 12. DOOR 13. EAST 14. LEASE 15. WORM 16. ____________ 17. ____________ 18. ____________ 19. ____________ 20. ____________ 21. ____________ 22. ____________ 23. ____________ 24. ____________ 25. ____________ 26. ____________ 57. __________ 58. __________ 59. __________ 60. __________ 61. __________ 62. __________

Secret Phrase: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __! Hint: I thought the book version was better.

16 the plumber’s FAUCET