The Construction Issue & The Spooky Issue

The Plumber’s

Faucet

The Construction Issue VOLUME XXXIII ISSUE II October 24th, 2016

2

14

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR

Editors-In-Chief

Dear Reader,

Daniel Galef Morgan Mattone

You have probably noticed that your daily commute to and from lectures has been getting longer and longer as the entire campus is consumed in a vast mire of scaffolding, rickety detour catwalks, and giant yellow caterpillars (unrelated). Our formerly lush and verdant quadrangles have been transformed into wastelands of mud, soot, and exposed rebar. There are so many gaping holes that McTavish Street now looks like the plot of an Indiana Jones film, except that the artefacts being unearthed in the dig are mostly old beer cans and the bodies of students who fell into the hole the last time construction took place. (O!, ubi sunt qui ante nos in mundo fuere? In holum constructivum, quod ei post OAP-um blotti erunt.) The effects have been numerous.

Layout Editors Just us. We do everything around here.

Writers Otman Benchekroun Daniel Galef Bruno Greselin Morgan Mattone Malcolm McClintock Ehsan Rajabian Armando Rivas Jonah Ryan-Davis Alexander Venditti Stefan Zajdler

Incidents of stone-hurling and invective graffiti have been reported against the Department of Civil Engineering (ironically, the subsequent necessary repairs and renovations have only prolonged the nightmare). A complete lack of attention to accessibility has left a number of wheelchair-bound students stranded at the intersection of Penfield and McTavish, which is now a narrow stone platform connected to surrounding buildings only by rope bridges over a bottomless abyss. The Department of English has seen a boom in student interest in Deconstruction, dropping off as soon as they realize that it has nothing to do with the situation and also that Searle’s critiques of Derrida raise serious issues with the proposed nature of interfelicity in all human communications.

Illustrators Armando Rivas (cover) Marine de Carbonnieres (cover) Daniel Galef Alexander Venditti

Support Malcolm McClintock

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIII no. II The Spooky Issue, October 24TH, 2016 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

The formerly-straight path across campus has become a cyclopean labyrinth of serially nested detours and trottoirs that have been barréed, permanently clogged with human traffic winding through innumerable tortuous, torturous convolutions.

Some freshman who took the wrong door out of Leacock after their first lecture still haven’t found their way out of the deadly maze of traffic cones and cyclone fencing. More experienced navigtors have taken to marking the shifting, winding paths with thread or samosa crumbs. Even the crow no longer flies as-thecrow-flies, as the airspace above campus is a treacherous obstacle course of swinging cranes and thick clouds of choking backhoe exhaust.

Rumors of a minotaur at the center have been vigorously denied by the administration, but no other explanation has been put forward to account for the several piles of gnawed bones that keep appearing at the Y-Intersection.

Thus this (half-) issue of the Plumber’s Faucet has been given the theme “Construction,” so that you may read it to distract yourself from being slowly asphyxiated by bulldozer afflatus while you stand trapped in a human gridlock that stretches from the Brown Building (now stained a sickly shade of grey by airborne cement dust) all the way down to the McLennan Library (now completely buried under a sea of asphalt). But it won’t last forever. Brevi finietur. Venit mors velociter, rapit nos atrociter, nemini parcetur. Enjoy!

Daniel Galef An EUS Publication

15

October 24th, 2016

“Construction” so far Unsuccessful in Uncovering James Mcgill’s Buried Treasure

3

by Jonah Ryan-Davis

Following an announcement that Milton Gates would be turned into a large pit of rubble during the weekend of September 23rd, the McGill Administration released a statement describing the lack of progress towards retrieving James McGill’s alleged fortune. However, the administration claimed efforts would double until the goal had been met. “We will not rest until every last paved surface on this campus has been uprooted!” announced Suzanne Fortier, the Principal of McGill University and Head of the Search and Retrieval Project here on campus, who added that “recent efforts have been disappointing, yes, but we are an institution of resilience!”

The treasure in question has been a subject of fierce debates for several decades.

Scholars claim that James McGill had buried the remains of his fortune on campus as a way to protect it from the combination of austerity measures and stagnant student fees in the late 1830’s. In recent years, the prospect of uncovering this lost treasure has been described as “literally a gold mine” by Principal Fortier, as it would add some much-needed breathing room to her tight budget.

Opponents of this project claim that the cost of digging up the entire campus greatly outweighed the value of the treasure. Professor Donaldson of the History Department added that, “with inflation and these raised prices, you know, the treasure would hardly be even enough to get you a buzz at

OAP!” Other opponents include the First People’s House of McGill, who claim “firstsies” on any and all findings underneath the University campus.

Still, in recent weeks the search effort has continued strongly, laying waste to McTavish and Sherbrooke, even extending all the way up Dr. Penfield. If the new project at Milton Gates turns up dry, the plan will move forward with efforts to disrupt traffic at the Y-Intersection.

Project planners have to be cautious, because the budget for these pits only allows for the flooding of one or two buildings this time, as opposed to the entirety of downtown Montreal.

Eventually, the McGill Administration hopes to reap rewards from the series of holes being dug in campus, or else they will “declare bankruptcy trying.”

There have been a number of grassroots campaigns hoping to guide the Administration in the direction of the treasure, which many claim is buried in the heart of Three Bares Park under a pressure-sealed layer of plastic cups. However, this is seen by many as too risky of a target, for it may disrupt the only source of income present on campus.

Whether the treasure exists or not, McGill will not change tack in its many operations on campus, at least for the time being.

Printed at Copi-EUS

4

12

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

Looking For Two Directors 13 Listicle Ideas I Tried to Submit but Daniel Told Me No

by Gonezo

We are looking for two executive directors for the Champ-de-Plumes & Ruisseau-Sûr Construction Group! Please contact the number below if you think you can help us. The Montreal Branch of the international C-de-P/R-S Group is always in need of people to fill this position.

We are looking for people between the height of 5’5” and 6’2”, with average build, and the innate ability to delegate. Brown eyes, one with ugly bangs and one bald who looks sort of like Bruce Willis if you squint. They’ve been lost for 72 hours and it’s getting cold out; while their proficiency in Microsoft Office has helped before, I fear this might be outside their skill set. They were last seen outside the Presse Café heading towards McGill metro. Please bring our Director of Communications, Lawrence, and his associate, the Director of Administrative Relations, Margaret, back to the C-de-P & R-S Construction Group lobby immediately. Their quarterly reports are long overdue, the shareholders are beginning to ask questions, and Janine from accounting is pissed.

The chairman has prepared a bounty of a 5 year semi-annual bond at a 7% coupon rate valued at $20,000 (or you could take the present value of $14,178): indebted or alive.

by Stefan Zajdler

• 13 Inspirational Quotes to Send to Your Professor Instead of Your Thesis Paper • 3 of my Toes that are Definitely Infected • 11 Most Inspirational Professors who Are Also Mole People • 6 Spots on Campus Where Suzanne Fortier Called Me Fat • 19 People You Will Meet in Your Freshman Seminar All Named Jeff • 7 Best Coffee Shops that Are Filled With Spiders • 27 Signs the Sherbrooke Construction is Really an Evil Curse • 12 Things Every Cultural Studies Student Keeps in a Pit in their Backyard • 17 Things You Can Do with An Arts Degree that Don’t Involve Sending Bradley Cooper Pieces of Your Hair • 9 Recipes for the Mom on the Go Who is also a Ghost • 87 Cats in Wigs • 1 Baby

An EUS Publication

October 24th, 2016

5

by Alexander Venditti

Printed at Copi-EUS

6

10

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

They Happy Wanderer No. 2.5

The Faucet’s Intrepid Travel Correspondent is Finally Unabel to Travel?!

by Wren Wittier Heya folks!

I know my latest travelogue is a bit late, but I have a “concrete” excuse: I was heavily detoured due to construction. Well, that is, on my way to the airport for my original trip, I had to follow an alternate route to avoid an upgrading highway. However, that caused a bottleneck of three other such rerouted traffic lanes, so there was a bit of confusion. In fact, this message is actually being sent from the road, via a generous companion I’ve befriended, who offered to share his WiFi hotspot in exchange for sharing my tent for the night. This reminds me of my younger years camping in the backyard with friends. Ah, memories.

*** Pandemonium has broken out to my great disappointment and betrayal. Monty, my dear friend and companion for all this time, has admitted that in the Before Times he was an architect! One of those complicit with the Constructionist plague (may their tires bald and hydraulics leak). And this just as we were brokering a trade agreement with a nearby city state of Scaffoldia. They won’t trust us with him in our midst. Oh readers, it truly pains me to be in this position. ***

I have abandoned the road folk. Their constant battles with Constructionists *** and blind faith in the Great Detour have worn me down.

Day 8 of the traffic I was invited to join the jam and we have moved Highwanderers, a nomadic approximately … three group who stayed at my Inn meters? Monty and I have when last they passed, and I been counting tire revolutions seek them out now. Perhaps from out tent atop my car but we feel we may have missed All other faiths fall before the true Holy Signs I will find Monty in these roadwork wilds, banishment a couple. Nevertheless, our would not have been the end for a man such as he. spirits remain high, and our neighbors two lanes over are optimistic that the roads will be cleared soon. I see cranes and trucks surrounding a nearby building, with signs advertising its demolishment. Perhaps they are going to build a new road to funnel us out! *** The last car battery has been drained of charge for our phones, and so too thus too we of communication with the outside world. While a sobering blow for us Road Folk, we have our own ways of life now and make do. Monty and I are planning on opening a restaurant or inn atop our car, with all the stolen tools we’ve claimed from battles with road crews and their damnable intrusions into our territory. We are a hardy community, and wherever the Great Detour may lead, we will follow.

*** It’s winter and the Constructionists have slunk back to whatever hovel they came from, leaving open pits and shattered highways behind them. Life is going back to normal, and I applaud all who survived this year’s construction season. Enjoy the respite everyone!

The Happy Wanderer

An EUS Publication

October 24th, 2016

11

Activities Corner

7

by Morgan Mattone and Daniel Galef A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says:

The letters that are left over will reveal what the other guy says!

“__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __! __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ - __ ’ __ __ __ __ __ __ __!”

Can You Spot The Differences Between the Two Photos Below?

Printed at Copi-EUS

a clien e m o c t Be and get up to

$ 300

when you sign up for our

WELCOME OFFER *

for students

Offer for students effective until November 30, 2016.

For full details, visit nbc.ca/300cashback. * This offer is effective from August 29 to November 30, 2016. To be eligible for this offer, you must not already be a holder or co-holder of any of the products described in this offer during the entire promotional period. This offer may be modified, extended or withdrawn at any time without notice. It may not be combined or used in conjunction with any other National Bank offer or promotion. The cashback will be issued by February 28, 2017. There is a limit of one cashback per client for the entire promotional period.

Credit card granted subject to approval by National Bank. The credit card is required in order to sign up for the financial package. To have access to this offer, you must commit to keeping these eligible products and services with no changes for a minimum of 24 months. If you do not meet this condition, you will have to refund the Bank an amount corresponding to the period where you did not keep your eligible products and services, within 30 days of receiving the request for payment. Employees of National Bank and its subsidiaries and entities are not eligible for this offer. Š 2016 NATIONAL BANK OF CANADA. All rights reserved.

9

9

8

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

accumulating in the pit of their stomachs. The very thought of this ambiguous, borderless creature of evil leaves audiences in shock and perpetual perturbed distress. This atmosphere haunts viewers for the remainder of this fear inducing cinematic marvel. Such is established by sequential lighting patterns, which continuously emphasizes the lack of light, and presence of darkness.

The horror reaches its pinnacle through the introduction of the draconian creature known only as James, this generation’s Dracula. He has an inexplicable baseball fetish, which is the source of this demonic figure’s inner darkness. Scarring memories are conjured by echoes of his death growl, as he tilts his head crookedly repeatedly, extends his hands furiously, and lets out a cry of a wolfish orgasm. Forget Jason Voorhees’s menacing approach or the Xenomorph’s distinct shriek from the Alien franchise, James’ awkward growl will remain forever etched in the harrowing corners of your psyche. Full disclosure, I made my loser brother pay for my 17 psychiatric evaluations. I actually needed to seek professional help to cope with the sheer horror of James the Baseball Vampire’ terrifying glare.

Nonetheless, James the Baseball Vampire is ultimately a personification of the story’s central antagonist. To elaborate, dear viewer, the villain of the piece is not simply a single individual; the true opposing antagonistic force of the film is the conformist society that cannot accept the love between complex protagonists Eddie and Isabella. Every scene is besieged by the same indistinguishable lighting. Despite the existence of many characters of different personalities, backgrounds and appearances, the indistinguishable lighting creates an oppressive regime, removing all characters of their individuality.

The only way to truly communicate the powerful emotions of this film is through the introduction of my current fiancée, and former stalker, Regina Trampfoot. We shared an intimate moment when I very briefly humped her leg while listening to this movie’s soundtrack in a Best Buy. Regina, if you please, take it, and my heart, away.

Thanks, Joe Chumpass. That was as insightful and disturbing as always.

The film portrays love as devotion. Edward’s world is shaken by Bella. Every fraction of his thinking is devoted to her. He does not sleep, eat, study, or crap, because his psyche is entirely consumed by the thought of breathing near her, a true demonstration of love. This is what love is, when your bodily functions shut down, because all energy is committed exclusively to the thoughts of your loved one sleeping, unknowingly being watched by you. Such love is perceivable in scenes of Edward appearing in Bella’s room in order to get a whiff of her freshly used clothes. Their overwhelming emotions are seen in the exemplary performances of the film. The unscholarly have trespassed and gone so far as to suggest that these artists are boring and emotionless, but this reasoning is disparate. Most actors exaggerate characters for audiences to understand their emotional state. Twilight forsakes such overused and bland methods. Instead, Twilight’s thespians embody their character’s conflicts through subtle habits. These “artistos” (as the French refer to artists) characterize their characters and indicate their emotions via understated breathing and staring patterns. I can understand Edward’s psychological state merely by the length of his staring and the depth of his breathing. Love is about breathing on someone’s skin until they get uncomfortable!

“Oh the romance!”

While this film stands the test of time as an instant achievement in horror, one must consider its lasting contribution to the romantic landscape. At the heart of this film, two individuals from two different backgrounds; one is a lustful vampire, and the other is an emotionally empty human. Edward must overcome his natural killer instinct to love a human woman. Their mutual love despite the rift between their worlds illustrates the perseverance of love in the face of class struggle. Love is something that transcends differences in race, wealth, gender, and penis size.

Thus, Twilight blends the best of both horror and romance, to craft a story and inspire countless generations into unhealthy extramarital affairs.

An EUS Publication

October 24th, 2016

7

An Exploration in Cinema: Twilight: Pale Love: Blood and Flesh: A Saga of Destiny and Choice: Terror Unfolded

by Joe Chumpass & Brian Failface

refer to horror). The horror genre has long been decaying into a pollution Ladies and genof overlong, convoluted tlemen, October, a and predictable storylines month of terror, best such as The Shining (by renowned for terror Stan Krapbrick), or the serves as the perfect Silence of the Lame (startime to discuss terror ring Cannibal Victor). cinema. Among the Such unimaginative titles hundreds of prillions are completely and thorof bland filmatographoughly outshined by the ic pieces in existence Twilight Saga. As much as that compose the now I would be “honeoured” stale chowder of “hor(as the Italians refer to reur” (as the Brazilians honored) to spend my lossay horror), one diaer brother’s tuition savmond shines against the ings in order to watch and dull rock of Hollywood rewatch these timeless hooplah. classics on an unlicensed theatre screen and disThe zenith to cussing them for hours which we are referring upon weeks, I must comto is the obscure cult promise on these great classic blend of terror ambitions, and merely in its purest incarnation give an evaluation of the and the star-crossed lovthemes and conflicts of ers of our millennium the first installment in this (fuck Romeo and Juliet), epic saga of love, advena story discussed only ture, destiny, breathing, within the highest reachstaring and terror. es of Nietzschesquoid intellectual communiThe Romeo and Juliet of our era. Also the Hamlet, Macbeth “Oh the horror!” ties. and every other Shakespeare of our era.

An instantaneous Before proglimpse of the title is cagressing further, I hand the metaphorical sound ampable of redistributing shivers down my spine. Twilight, plifier to my esteemed colleague, 9th grade dropout, the coming night represents the new era of shadowy illegal organ collector, and deadbeat dad: Joe Chumpand dark filmmaking. This is exemplified by the openass, who will discuss the film’s innovative use of fear to ing sequence which hurled me into a nightmarish heat. induce trauma among its viewers and admirers.

A confused “Cervidae” (as the scientists refer to dear) runs through a hellish forest, cloaked in darkness and Thank you, Brian Failface. colorless bushes, hunted by infernal creatures, Vampires! By simply shrouding the predator chasing the dear through clever editing cuts and throbbing camera motion, viewers are left only with the sense of dread Humble viewers, I, too, like you, have been in search for a motion picture that could at last freeze my heart in terror and true “hora” (as the Spaniards

Printed at Copi-EUS

6

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

Zombie of Steve Carell Found Dwelling Under Leacock

by OTman Benchekroun

At 1 p.m. on Thursday, October 20th, the film society opened room B-46 in Leacock to find the rotting, desecrated body of always-recognizable Steve Carell. It appears Steve Carell may have secretly passed away way back during the filming of Get Smart in 2007. However, the film society was in for another surprise: The body was moving, and groaning, and doing other things that dead bodies don’t normally do. It appeared, in the depths of Leacock, that the McGill film society had found a true and veritable zombie.

Reports are unsure as to how Steve Carell has managed to remain animate despite his soul passing on to the heavens. While the Steve Carell zombie has the ability to walk, run, groan, raise his right arm and groan, or raise both his arms and groan, the Steve Carell zombie does not have the ability to speak or the ability to raise his left arm and groan. Among all this chaos and confusion, one thing is certain: The Steve Carell that we most recently thought was Steve Carell is NOT Steve Carell. In other words, Steve Carell is an imposter, not Steve Carell, who is in fact the real Steve Carell.

This leads us to the question: Who is this fake Steve Carell? Taking Woody Allen roles and flawlessly assuming the identity of a fallen hero? We may never know. He may be the best actor that ever lived. He also may not be. This certainly adds a few things to consider when making judgements about the actor’s career.

How does the zombie feel about all this? When asked how his opinion on the decision to have Michael Scott leave The Office in 2011, he said “GRAWWDJHD.” That’s right, we forgot, he can’t speak.

SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT!1 GET PAID!2 BECOME A FAMOUS WRITER!3 Like what you see? Get involved! You don’t have to become a regular contributor (but you can!) to get published in the Plumber’s Faucet, McGill University’s best and only independent humor magazine! Each issue has a theme to get your creative cogs turning (which is only a suggestion—there is no requirement for submissions to fit the theme).

The theme for the November Issue is “Food,” and the deadline for submissions is November 1st. Send your articles, poems, comic strips, rants, illustrations, recipes, album reviews, and ransom notes to faucet@mcgilleus.com 1Or

a clever pen name. (Or a dumb pen name.) 2Not really. 3Maybe!

An EUS Publication

The Happy Wanderer No. 2.5

October 24th, 2016

5

The Faucet’s Intrepid Field Reporter Has an Adventure That’s Out-of-This-World (Oh Wait We Were Saving That for the Space One Never mind)

by Wren Wittier

Looks homey Hello friends!

For today’s journey, I have been invited to attend a ghost hunting mission. What fun! It’s quite a change to have such professional comrades on my travels, and I look forward to investigating this creepy abandoned hospital with them. *** The team had barely set foot into the lobby when the walls began bleeding and pained wails echoed throughout the halls. The team was ecstatic; this place is SUPER haunted for once! No need for the interns to put on their bedsheets. How lucky! *** Well, half the team has been kidnapped by poltergeists and dragged off to who-knows-where. I can only hope that they have the presence of mind to conduct a proper interview. The rest of us are too busy cowering inside a salt circle with improvised weapons to do them. This is a great opportunity! Let’s not squander it, team! *** The hospital has been sucked into a parallel realm of existence, and I am just kicking myself for dropping my camera earlier. Friends, it’s a darn shame you have to rely on my mere words, this is just a fantastic pit of torment.

So many new friends! *** I really dropped the ball on this one, folks, and I sincerely apologize to the surviving crew. I was feeling puckish, so I pulled out some rations, including some dried apple rings. The ghosts were immediately repulsed and horrified. They dragged the hospital back to earth and shoved us all out the door unceremoniously. I apologized profusely for my foolish mistake to the crew and begged their forgiveness, but they were too busy running away to hear me. Oh well, I’ll just come back on my own for a follow up report next week. Be sure to catch the episode of Ghosts ’n’ Stuff on TVMcGill next month!

The Happy Wanderer

Printed at Copi-EUS

4

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

Alternate Uses for the Unused 90% of Human Brains

by Daniel Galef

Everybody knows we only use 10% of our brains in actual, productive tasks like figuring out when to appear attentive while Facebooking in lectures or reading listicles. What can the other 90% of mankind’s brains be used for? Here at the Faucet, where we use almost none of our brains at all, we have come up with a few solutions for this surplus.

4. Mad-science-chic interior decor 1. Thinking more

5. Being the most incorrect and second-most off-putting body part cited as “the most powerful muscle in the body”

2. Zombie sustenance

3. Cost-effective alternative to accurate scientific models of walnuts

6. Prop for productions of Hamlet 7. Head stuffing that can’t afford a skull

An EUS Publication

October 24th, 2016

8 Rules of Properly Giving Praise and Tribute to the Great Pumpkin

3

by Wren Wittier The yearly ritual to appease our Pumpkin God is something that harkens back to everybody’s childhood, but in the interests of community survival, here’s a reminder for some general guidelines!

1. The Great Pumpkin is omnipresent and omniscient, and so will rise from every pumpkin patch at once. Make sure to talk with your neighbors to ensure tribute is placed at every single one!

2. Each family should offer up at least one jack-o’-lantern, and, while intricate carvings will grant you greater favor in the coming year, quantity is (as in all things) an acceptable substitute for quality. Get the kids involved!

3. Hide your unworthiness from the Great Pumpkin through costumes (store-bought is fine--the Great One is bloodthirsty and inhuman, but not unreasonable).

4. While past generations insisted on human or animal sacrifice, usually we just go with dedicating pies and candy. In fact, local law enforcement may stop you from doing anything else.

5. When the Great Pumpkin rises from the patch, prostrate yourself and chant as you see fit.

Contrary to popular belief, you can personalize your pleas, though of course that doesn’t guarantee that they will be followed.

6. You should take this opportunity to thank Them for all the benevolence you have enjoyed throughout the year, praise Their generosity, and compliment the aesthetics of whatever manifestation the Great Pumpkin chooses to assume.

7. After the Great Pumpkin ascends heavenward to take Their place among the heavenly court, we are free to resume our business. Usually the kids will be tuckered out by then, so bring them home. But, many communities will hold festivals to celebrate Their coming. The sacrosanct pies and candy are usually eaten at that time.

8. And remember, if the Great Pumpkin arises in a tribute-less patch, then destruction and misery will be visited upon a 500-square-cubit circle around that patch for 100 years. Anybody caught in that radius will be, naturally, instantly vaporized, and a curse laid upon their bloodline.

Stay safe this Ascension season! Contact this newspaper for more details on how you can ensure the continuation of life as you know it.

Printed at Copi-EUS

2

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. II

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR

Editors-In-Chief

Daniel Galef Morgan Mattone

Layout Editors Just us. We do everything around here.

Writers Otman Benchekroun Daniel Galef Bruno Greselin Morgan Mattone Malcolm McClintock Ehsan Rajabian Armando Rivas Jonah Ryan-Davis Alexander Venditti Stefan Zajdler

Illustrators Marine de Carbonnieres (cover) Armando Rivas (cover) Daniel Galef Alexander Venditti

Support Malcolm McClintock

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

Dear Reader, Welcome to the Spooky side! I am pleased to inform you that you will be spooked out of your wits once you’ve been through these menacing pages. We’ve chosen to go with a spooky theme because, well, why not. Let’s just focus on the word spooky for a moment.

Go ahead and say it out loud. Notice how your lips touch slightly on the “p” sound and slowly form into a perfect little hole as we spearhead into the double “o’s”. And to top it all off, feel how your tongue touches the top of your mouth as we come down on the last syllable of the word. To give the word a creepy touch, slowly form your mouth into the Cheshire Sat smile as you finish off the “y” sound. Now there you have it. Other words that feel great in the mouth such as “pickle” and “perpendicular” were viable title options for this month’s issue but unfortunately lack theme content.

Oh and did you know that Halloween is just around the corner? There’s something comforting about holidays that fall on the same exact day no matter what kind of year it is. It’s created a norm to have Halloween themed parties around October 31st, Halloween themed drinks, movies… heck! Even Halloween themed Plumber’s Faucet issues! But why do we associate jacko-lanterns and ghouls to this exciting time of the year?

According to http://www.history.com/topics/halloween/ history-of-halloween, Halloween is “thought to have originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off roaming ghosts.” Who woulda thought?

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this spooky issue while keeping in mind that when you trick-or-treat, one must smell your feet. But if you don’t, you shouldn’t care because you’ll just pull down their underwear.

Cheers!

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIII no. II The Spooky Issue, October 24TH, 2016 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Morgan Mattone An EUS Publication

The Plumber’s Faucet The Spooky Issue VOLUME XXXIII ISSUE II October 24th, 2016