The Food Issue

The Plumber’s

Faucet

The Food Issue

VOLUME XXXIII ISSUE III November 14th, 2016

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. III

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR

Editors-In-Chief

Dear fellow readers,

Daniel Galef Morgan Mattone

I write to you today to inform you that food is all around us. Food is everything. Food is us. We see it every day, we need it to survive, we all live day to day wondering what food we’ll stuff in our mouth holes next. Maybe not all of us but my roommate certainly does. We all learned about the food pyramid many years ago in school and didn’t really think anything of it. But when one looks upon it now, one can’t ignore how the food pyramid resembles the illuminati triangle! So, we ask ourselves, is the food pyramid just a conspiracy formed by the government to help us eat healthier and therefore be more fit to serve in their military? Very likely. Apparently in North Korea they don’t even have a food pyramid, they just eat their food without stacking it in any kind of geometric shape. Weird yet not surprising.

Layout Editors Just us. We do everything around here.

Writers Otman Benchekroun Nick Brunt Daniel Galef Bruno Greselin Morgan Mattone Ehsan Rajabian Freedom Sorbara Alexander Venditti

Illustrators Ké Smith (cover) Marine de Carbonnieres Manon Chiorri Alexander Venditti

Support Malcolm McClintock

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus. ca.

Whilst you’re still contemplating whether or not the food pyramid is a hoax as you read this issue, take a gander at the recipes and feel free to try them out on your own! They are 100% kid friendly and 100% original. Why not have a crack at making one of our writers’ very own “chocolate chip cookie” recipe at your next family gathering, or bake them for your significant other as a thank you for all the great bedtime stories. Don’t like chocolate? Then you probably won’t like the chocolate chip cookie recipe.

If food isn’t really your thing in general, don’t worry, there’s a special place in hell for people like you (you’d think I’m joking but I’m really not). Fortunately, there’s plenty of non-food related content in this baby to please any reader beyond their wildest, wettest dreams.

Morgan Mattone

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIII no. III The Food Issue, November 14th, 2016 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

An EUS Publication

November 14TH, 2016

Recipe: Mom’s Gooey Chocolate Chip Cookies

by Otman Benchekroun

Surrounding me are misery, darkness and pain, eternal in length and inescapable by nature.

I have renounced myself to be in their company as long as I live. Some part of me felt that I deserved this cursed fate. I remember when I first noticed it: Starting with a creepy feeling of isolation, everyone stumbling about their busy days, chatting and flirting with one another around me. Not me though, not me ever again. The isolation soon grew, and evolved into something else. It started pouring into the rest of my being, dividing and segmenting every aspect of my brain: My memories, my senses, my emotions.

I remember when I first lost the ability to smell.

It had probably been days by then but I failed to smell my mother’s cookies baking in the kitchen.

Suddenly waiting for cookies did not evoke the same excitement of anticipation I’d come to expect. I used to glance at them in the oven, sniff a whiff of air, and salivate. Oh, how I loved those cookies.

But those days are no more. Like everything else, the olfactory world had renounced me, exiled me for unknown but resolute reasons. The last meaningful part of my day is waking up in the morning, with the relief that my eyesight is still there, and even then, just barely. Words and sentences are becoming a blur. I know it won’t be long before I can’t read, the last enjoyable part of my life stolen by a disease even my doctor couldn’t pronounce. And not long after that before I lose all sense of my own existence. I wish I still had a chance to live, to make more of myself and my life. But this is a useless faraway dream.

My reality and my future is misery, darkness and pain. Living, for me, is all over now.

Anyways without further ado here’s the recipe to my mom’s amazing chocolate chip cookies!

They’re so GOOEY and SOFT and they’ll make your heart melt!

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Ingredients o 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour (550 mL) o 1 tsp baking soda (5 mL) o 1/2 tsp salt (2 mL) o 1 cup butter (250 mL) o 3/4 cup granulated sugar (175 mL) o 3/4 cup light brown sugar (175 mL) o 1 tsp vanilla extract (5 mL) o 2 eggs (2) o 2 cups dark or semi-sweet

chocolate chips (500 mL) o 1 cup nuts (250 mL) Directions 1. Heat oven to 375°F (190°C).

2. Stir together flour, baking soda, and salt. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, and vanilla in large bowl with mixer until creamy. Add eggs; beat well. Gradually add flour mixture, beating well. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts, if desired. Drop by rounded teaspoons onto ungreased cookie sheet.

3. Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Cool completely.

Makes about 5 dozen cookies.

Printed at Copi-EUS

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. III

Faucet Classifieds by Wren Wittier

To the squirrel who stole my sandwich on the quad yesterday afternoon: While I applaud your ambition, that cost me like five bucks. Pay me back or I start dumping rat poison in the garbage cans. I will accept acorns.

ISO Apartment furniture. Just moved in and looking for cheap stuff. Will trade homemade goodies, kombucha, services as a hitman (http://tinyurl. com/MurderMan12674 for creds), or math tutoring.

Missed Connection You: The blonde wearing the green turtleneck in the Second Cup café on Avenue McGill on Monday.

Me: The waiter who forgot your croissant. I found it in the back of the toaster, do you still want it?

Internship Ever dreamed of a career in the restaurant industry? Gain valuable experience in a rapidly expanding field with an established business.

Apply to McDonald’s today!

Personal Single man looking for another single man to complain bitterly about perpetual bachelorhood with. No romantic suitors! Just whining!

Will also complain with single women if not attracted to men.

An EUS Publication

November 14TH, 2016

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Scientific Study In search of willing participants for study on handeye coordination and experimental small arms. Valid health insurance a must. No tricky blood types.

Linda, if you’re reading this, I’m still addicted to posting unnecessary personal ads. I need help.

You were right.

Lost 18-foot-high cardboard cutout of Celine Dion. Of great sentimental value. Lost somewhere in Leacock Hall. Reward offered.

..-. . .-.. .-.. --- .-- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. ..- .-.. - .. ... - ... / ... - --.--. / - .... . / .-- . . -.- .-.. -.-- / -- . . - .. -. --. / .. ... / .--. --- ...

- .--. --- -. . -.. / ... - --- .--. / .- .-.. .-.. / .... .- .. .-.. / - .... . / -.-. .-.. .. -.-. -.- .. -. --. / --. --- -.. / ... - --- .--. / -. --- -... --- -.. -.-- / -.-. .- -. / ..- -. -.. . .-. ... - .- -. -.. / ..- ... / .-.. --- .-.. / ... - --- .--.

Printed at Copi-EUS

illustrated by Manon Chiorri

Missed connection You: The blonde wearing the green turtleneck in the Second Cup café on Avenue McGill on Monday.

Me: The croissant you ordered. My love has turned me sentient, and I know you’d treat me right.

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Macho Fury Kitchen

by Ehsan Rajabian

Okay kids, I’ll be your host and cook, Righteous Fist!

Welcome to your new, premium quality MANLY cooking show: MACHO FURY KITCHEN, where we make food FOR MEN, BY MEN! Until today, you’ve only seen old grannies and British wimps cook on TV … BORING! Manly MEN need a real MAN to represent them, and teach them how to COOK like a MAN! For our first recipe, I’m gonna teach you MACHO MEN how to cook one of the MANLIEST recipes of all time, in an EVEN MANLIER WAY! AAARRRGGGGHHHHH! Let’s turn something simple like steak into SOMETHING MANLY LIKE STEAK! First, we need SOME BADASS FUCKING MEAT! How are you gonna get this meat?! Are you gonna be a lame-ass, and buy this at your local grocery store, HUH?! Or are you gonna be a BADASS, and go on an illegal hunting trip across the world?! Remember, a MAN isn’t a man unless he’s in danger, violating the law, and/or harming the world in general in some small way! AAARRRGGGGHHHHH! So you gotta kill a LION, TIGER, BEAR, RHINOCEROS, WOLF, or SHARK (with your BARE FUCKING HANDS) to get your own meat! Now you just need to RIP the SKIN off, with your BARE FUCKING HANDS! Don’t even cut the BONE off the meat! It adds FLAVOR and DAMAGES your insides! Just PUNCH the slab of meat until it’s the right size!

Okay, after you’ve hunted down and killed your SHARK (it was the MANLIEST option so I assume that’s the one you chose) to get some BADASS FUCKING MEAT, you now need to season it. You need some onions, some

salt, some pepper, some olive oil, and some chopped parsley! If a delicate balance of complementary seasonings doesn’t sound MANLY to you, then you need to REFINE YOUR FUCKING PALATE! Go steal a fighter!

You’re gonna pilot this bad boy all the way to the Mediterranean to retrieve all the natural onions, salt, pepper, olive oil and parsley pants that you can! Get a machete and cut the shit out of all your new ingredients!

A real MAN chops down his own spices! But how many spices are you gonna use in your recipe?! ALL OF THEM! AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! But HOW are we going to properly prepare that BADASS FUCKING MEAT?! Easy! We just STEAL a FLAMETHROWER! Now point the FLAMETHROWER at your BADASS FUCKING MEAT, and pull the FUCKING TRIGGER! And don’t you dare be a wuss and wear stupid things like safety equipment! Fire-retardant gloves will only make your meat taste like FAILURE and COWARDICE! Be a REAL FUCKING MAN and get a skin graft!

FUCK YEEAAAAH! Now, walk around the meat, burning the SHIT out of IT! You know it’s ready when it looks burnt beyond all recognition! Now, simply rip the meat off with your BADASS HANDS. Light your cigar with the flamethrower, and eat your freshly made steak without utensils, because utensils are for people whose HANDS aren’t made of STEEL! Tune in next time, when I teach you how to make a BADASS FUCKING QUICHE! AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Some chefs prefer gas stoves. Some prefer electric stoves. And some are psychopaths.

An EUS Publication

November 14TH, 2016

Fan-Fiction Pairings That Literally No One Asked For

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by Freedom Sorbara

New, by request of absolutely nobody at all, comes a series of horribly written and completely nonsensical pairings of characters you know and love. Please enjoy these excerpts from fan-fictions you never knew you needed. Like most fan-fiction, they are completely pointless and make no actual sense.

The Bromance: The Hulk finally finds someone he can truly relate to.

The Hulk looked up into his buddy’s kind, understanding face. It was like looking in a mirror. A goofy funhouse mirror. Shrek smiled back at him and took his muscly green hands. He too was happy to have found someone like himself. Someone who wouldn’t judge him for the colour of his skin.

“You’re the only one I can turn to when I get like this,” the hulk said. He turned his head away and a single green tear dripped down his chiselled cheekbone. “I’m just so emotional these days. I don’t know how I would live without someone green to turn to.”

“Look at me,” Shrek told him, holding the Hulk’s chin and turning his face to look soulfully into his eyes.

“Don’t ever worry or be ashamed of your feelings, or about being green. I may not be perfect either but we all need to accept and love ourselves.”

“Oh Shrek, you’re the best,” said the Hulk. “Wanna go grab a couple of beers?” They walked off hand in hand, two middle aged men confident in their own green skin.

The Forbidden Affair: Professor McGonagall has a beastly secret

Professor McGonagall stepped out of her office and closed the door. When she was sure the coast was clear she transfigured into a sleek tabby cat. Her immaculate coat shone enticingly in the light from the torches lining the walls. No more attractive feline might be imagined. She snuck furtively through the halls of Hogwarts until she reached the tower. In answer to her soft purr another cat slunk out from the shadows. Crookshanks purred like thunder as his lady love approached. His whiskers twitched in excitement. The two cats leapt into a furry embrace. Their purrs reached a crescendo of untold proportions as Redacted, deemed unsuitable for publication.

The Bad Boy Phase: Peter Pan falls for Danny Zuko, the coolest kid in school

Peter Pan had finally decided to grow up. He’d grown tired of Tinkerbell’s constant neediness and cries for attention. But he never realized highschool would be this hard. If only his crush, Danny Zuko, would notice him.

“Danny is so cool with his slick oily hair and his shiny leather jacket,” Peter thought. He was sure he stood out in his cute emerald ensemble but every time Danny passed him in the halls it was like he was invisible. “Oh Danny,” he thought to himself, “If only you knew how I felt about you. How much I long to run my hands over your muscled shoulders and press my lips against your cheek.”

Little did Peter know that across the schoolyard the object of his affection was pining for him as well. Danny was oddly silent and morose. While his buddies razzed him about his recent dating conquests, his mind was far away. He couldn’t get that new kid Peter out of his head. Privately he dreamed of rushing over to his boyish love and breaking into song. Would these two star-crossed lovers be able to overcome their insecurities and express their feelings?

Printed at Copi-EUS

8 The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. III The Science Experiment: Ten Harry Styles clones complementing each other in an endless circle:

Harry Styles Number Four took a soulful look around the circle. His nine perfectly disheveled counterparts stared back with at him. Their piercing kindly blue eyes awakened something inside of him. He felt like dancing on a fountain or singing to the sky.

“Oh Number Eight,” he said, “You’re insecure and I don’t know what for.” Across the circle, Number Eight turned his head coyly down and to the side. His long, flowing hair fell over his thoughtful furrowed brow.

“You’re turning heads when you walk through the door, bro,” Harry Number Six chimed in. The other Styles nodded their heads thoughtfully. They all took hands in a circle of love and support.

“Aww, you guys are the best.” Number Eight sighed and looked up with moist eyes. “You all are the best song ever.”

The Start of a Beautiful Friendship: Jack Sparrow and an actual sparrow

“Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate,” Jack told the little bird perched on his shoulder. His feathered brown companion dropped the gold doubloon from his beak and looked at Jack quizzically. “No, mate! That treasure is bleeding gold!” Jack Sparrow swung down from his seat atop the prow of his ship where it sat breached on the sandy shores of a tiny tropical island. He fell with a thump and a splash in the crystal-clear shallows and began scrambling on hands and knees for the discarded coin.

“Peep peep. Tititititoo titoo.” The sparrow laughed at him while flying circles around his tricorn hat.

“I got it!” Captain Jack shouted. He jumped up and held the gold coin aloft. “No thanks to you, matey.

I tell you, if you get any less intelligent I’ll start befriending the palm trees instead.” The little brown sparrow landed back on Jack’s shoulder and pecked him affectionately on the ear. Jack wobbled off down the beach, alternately swigging from his flask of rum and offering it to his feathered friend.

Partners in Revenge: Inigo Montoya and Daenerys Targaryen help each other with intimidation techniques

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I will try to kill you too.” Inigo swung around and drew his sword. He pointed the tip at Daenerys’ chest for maximum effect. The icy blond didn’t flinch but merely swatted the blade away with her forearm.

“I still think you should end with ‘Prepare to meet your doom’ instead,” she said. “When you say ‘I will try to kill you’ it makes you seem weak. Are you weak, swordsman?”

“No. But I have failed before. And doom is so melodramatic.” Inigo sheathed his sword.

“I am Daenerys Stormborn, of the House Targaryen. Rightful heir to the Iron Throne, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, the Rhoynar, and the First Men. I am the Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, and Breaker of Chains. The Khaleesi, Daenerys Targaryen.” Dany struck a pose and delivered her line. “See? I don’t try. I am.”

“Yes, you’re a lot of things, aren’t you?” Inigo said.

“What of it, peasant?” Daenarys snapped defensively.

“Nothing. It’s just a bit long, isn’t it? Kind of a mouthful,” Inigo said. Daenarys turned around and strode off without answering.

“Same time next week!” she called over her shoulder as she left.

An EUS Publication

by Alexander Venditti

November 14TH, 2016

Printed at Copi-EUS

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The Happy Wanderer No. 4 Hiya folks!

We’re heading out into unfamiliar territory today, and I am just ecstatic! My editor has requested that we dabble in the culinary world, and so your favorite traveloguer will turn food critic this month!

For someone with my refined and diverse palate, this should be interesting. I’ve decided to try one emblematic dish for each of the major flavors, starting with sweet! I visited this delightful dessert bar where I was served eight pounds of honey molded into the vague shape of a tetrahedron. Very toothsome! 8/10, but only because I was not given utensils to eat this with. ***

Next is salty, for which I traveled to the Dead Sea for some signature brine soup. Or at least I think it’s signature, the gentleman who handed me a bowl of lake water, live anchovies, and bouillon cubes in a saltlick bowl wasn’t really clear. I’m not sure if this dish qualifies as regional since this was the only restaurant I could find it in. In any case, however, I give it a 5/10.

Full marks for presentation but I had to deduct points since there wasn’t anything to drink besides more lake water. I know, I know, that’s pretty picky, but a true food critic ignores nothing. ***

I managed to hit two more flavors with one trip for my next review. I was attempting to sneak up on a cow to taste “creamy” in its freshest form, but was momentarily distracted by a patch of dandelions.

I made a quick salad and enjoyed the flavor of bitter immensely. This also worked as bait for the aforementioned cow, and once I gathered enough of them, as a bonfire for roasting the steaks on. Now, bit of disappointment there, since the steaks weren’t really that creamy or milky, or whatever the proper adjective is.

Umami? Oh well, they can’t all be five star restaurants right? ***

I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut this culinary excursion short here, as my attempt at tasting spicy has been met with quite the grievous injury. I’m honestly not sure what went wrong. Was it the jalapeños?

The Peruvian death peppers? Any of the 15 other pepper species? Was it the second, or perhaps the third, gallon of Siracha? Certainly not the fresh lava, that was just the base of the soup. Who knows really. Until they let me out of this hospital, you will all have to take my place in this grand culinary exploration!

Spice Up Your Life!

by Wren Wittier

Hey, are you tired of your meal plan but only have minimal cooking skills, supplies, and opportunity? Come to Chef Undergrad’s cooking class and spice up your dishes with simple tips and tricks!

Have you been eating bulk “Brown Circles” wheat cereal for breakfast every day for your entire first year? Try mixing it up with “Yellow Circles” instead for that sweet corn taste. Treat yourself to some extra flavor by adding granola, dried fruits, ramen powder packets, or honey! Buy in bulk at your nearest co-op to save money.

If you’re tired of a boring sandwich lunch, try experimenting with different breads and fillings. Instead of white wonderbread, try some multigrain loaves, French baguettes, or use unboiled bricks of ramen noodles. Instead of ham and cheddar, mix it up with other cold cuts, new cheeses, or even boiled bricks of ramen noodles! Or if you want a hot lunch, try a bowl of ramen noodles.

Dinner is ramen, and in this workshop we’ll teach you how to make the most of your instant meal. Like putting in an extra packet of noodles or sprinkling on some soy sauce. If this scares, you, that’s okay! Be experimental!

Midday snack? Ramen! Midnight snack?

RAMEN. Any meal? RAMEN. EAT RAMEN NOW.

by The Happy Wanderer An EUS Publication

This is your life now. Accept it.

The Chef’s Choice

by Otman Benchekroun

November 14TH, 2016

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Chips and clams with capers and scotch?

Or rosemary chicken? (Kick it up a notch!)

Perhaps the ragout? said the voice in his mind, Or some simmering stew? said another, behind.

There were so many options he scarcely could utter, And he felt himself sinking, as if in warm butter.

Just then the douche waiter stomped in with updates:

illustrations by Marine de Carbonnieres

“We need the Chef’s Choice! Our patron awaits!”

Still there stood Chef Jon, dumbfounded, mouth gaping, Paralyzed in decision, his nervous mind racing.

For, despite Chef Jon’s prowess with kitchens and steaks, He never quite conquered these unsure life states.

He carried this secret throughout his career; It fueled him with anger of this very fear.

A bead of salt sweat rolled down past his brow, Whispers and gazes stabbing from the crowd.

What monster would force him to make the Chef’s Choice When to make a decision was not in his voice?

Oh how ruthless and harsh this life can be, For Jon the Head Chef with Social Anxiety.

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Food for Thought

by Brick Hunt

While afflicted with writer’s block and searching for a food-related topic about which to write, I’ve decided the simplest place to begin was where every unabashedly lazy high school essay starts: the dictionary.

Merriam-Webster has three definitions for the word “food.” First, food is defined as “material consisting essentially of protein, carbohydrate, and fat used in the body of an organism to sustain growth, repair, and vital processes and to furnish energy.” Promising, yet overly technical. If I wanted to write about something comprehensive and science-y I wouldn’t be writing for the Faucet. Second, food is “a nutriment in solid form.” That’s pretty open-and-shut, and unfortunately doesn’t leave much room for humour. Moving on, the third definition states that food is “something that nourishes, sustains, or supplies, i.e. food for thought.” Finally, some inspiration.

Food is not only a nutriment in solid form, it is something that nourishes and sustains us.

As university students, we don’t always have time to give appropriate thought to what we eat, yet it is nonetheless vital to recognize the impact of our food on our ability (or lack thereof) to function as living, breathing, not-overdosing-on-samosas human beings.

Curiously, the high-stress and insomnia-intensive university environment is not exactly conducive to healthy food consumption. With empty calories more accessible than ever, it can be difficult to maintain good dietary habits once the blissfully idyllic days of Add/Drop have passed.

With the keys to health so elusive, nowadays everyone is searching for answers. Who has them? Your friends? DJ Khaled? The Bible? Buzzfeed quizzes? In order: No, no, depends on who you ask, and definitely no. In this chaotic age of misinformation and evil wizards, you must only the look to Plumber’s Faucet for guidance.

Here are some Faucet-approved, tried-and-true strategies for healthy livin’ based on both good old-fashioned quality book learnin’ and calamitous personal experience: 1. Don’t eat gluten. Not a celiac? Doesn’t matter, just don’t eat it.

2. Whenever you feel hungry, just inhale some trademark Blues Pub air, complete with drops of condensed beer and microscopic particles of grilled cheese. That lungful alone will give you the sustenance you need to satisfy your appetite. If it isn’t Friday, just head to the common room anyway because it smells like that literally all the time. The janitors gave up years ago.

3. Check your bank account, and then go to Première Moisson and look at the prices. Not so hungry now, are we?

4. Rather than endlessly staring at the contents of your fridge, stare endlessly at your laptop monitor by starting a new show on Netflix. Just steer clear of cooking shows.

An EUS Publication

November 14TH, 2016

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5. Become a true socially-conscious global citizen and take up veganism. Preach the leafy-green gospel to all you meet, and you’re guaranteed to eat less simply because nobody will ever invite you anywhere. If you’re not about saving the planet and/or eating vegetables, take the bravely staunch anti-vegan stance and bitch about vegans who bitch about veganism to everyone you meet instead. The results will be the same, with the fun little side effect of potentially destroying some close personal relationships (a real calorie-burner). But you really showed those murderous carnivores/tree-hugging weirdos, so it was worth it.

Since the Faucet is a free publication, I’m afraid five tips is all we can share at once. Rest assured, there are a whole sixty-four more food-related secrets that will be released over the coming series of Food-themed issues, if the university administration doesn’t first shut us down for plagiarizing those conclusions from the results of cutting-edge research done by faculty members. They also might not be amused when they find out pieces of advice twenty-one through thirty-five are all slight variations of “Don’t trust the McGill cafeterias.”

In summary, you should be fine going forward if you follow these simple adages and your own common sense. Therefore, eating a whole pizza in one sitting is regrettably not advisable.

Rather, try eating a whole head of kale in one sitting. Checkmate, appetite.

What about the perils of unhealthy student lifestyles, you might ask. What about the acquisition of bad habits in university that set students on a lifelong path of poor health? The serious obesity problem amongst Canadians of all ages? The tremendous environmental impact of current agricultural practices? The Plumber’s Faucet has answers, dear reader, but only to questions that have them.

Let’s end this tangential five-course meal of food for thought with a sweet dessert of a “concluding remark” from our old friend Merriam-Webster: “a final judgment, an opinion or decision that is formed after a period of thought or research.” Bon appétit!

The dictionary actually contains every recipe, just not in order.

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14 The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. III

A Recipe for Perfect Garlic Mashed Potatoes

by Wren Wittier

1. Set a large pot of water to boil on a medium high flame.

2. Peel and chop your potatoes into large chunks, then drop them into the water.

3. Lower the heat to a gentle simmer.

4. While you wait for the potatoes to be fork tender, prepare the garlic.

5. Depending on the amount of potatoes you’re making, one or two bulbs will be sufficient.

6. Oh dear, that’s probably not enough, better get a third.

7. Hmm, that one was a little small, maybe add another one.

8. What? That’s all you have? What kind of chef are you? Go to the grocer immediately and buy more.

9. Skin the garlic bulbs, all seven of them, and then chop them up.

10. This pile is pathetic, more.

11. MORE. 12. Throw the potatoes out, you need this pot to hold the garlic.

13. If your eyes aren’t burning you’re doing it wrong.

14. Once the pile of chopped garlic starts overflowing the pot, you’re getting close.

15. Go back to the store, get more goddamn garlic you piece of shit.

[Redacted] ??. Top the garlic mound with a couple more cloves and all the garlic salt you have left. Salt and pepper to taste. Fuck you.

SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT!1 GET PAID!2 BECOME FAMOUS!3 Like what you see? Get involved! You don’t have to become a regular contributor (but you can!) to get published in the Plumber’s Faucet, McGill University’s best and only independent humor magazine! We’ve been voted best magazine in any category ever for thirty years running by the Plumber’s Faucet, and we respect their judgment very much. The Plumber’s Faucet is currently accepting open submissions for the December Issue (topic: “Holidays”) and the January Issue (topic: “Pirates”). The issue themes are optional springboards to get your ideas flowing: We will always accept off-topic submissions! Send your articles, poems, comic strips, short stories, illustrations, ancient prophecies, screenplays, and death threats to faucet@mcgilleus.ca 1Or a clever pen name (Or a dumb pen name). 2Not really. 3Maybe!

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16 The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIII No. III

Activities Corner

by Morgan Mattone

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.

The letters that are left over will reveal what the wife has to say to her husband!

Wife: __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ ?

Would you rather...?

Be waterboarded in order to drink water or Snort food up your nose in order to eat Have to eat Ramen for the rest of your life or Just eat the food packet alone

Food be made of people or People be made of food

Never use hot sauce on anything or Have to put hot sauce on everything

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