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the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 47 no. 6 • February 12th, 2013


2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Master and Commander Daniel Dicaire Lieutenants David Bailey Brigid Cami Justin Dalrymple Graham Pinchin Ben Share Maxime Whaite Ship’s Cook Amanda dos Santos Senior Portrait Painters David Bailey Alex Foty

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 47 no. 6 Tuesday, February 12th , 2013

Letter from the Editor Hello again dear readers! This second semester has started strong, and already I’m flooded with assignments, midterms and radioactive water in the Wong basement. But don’t despair, because this is the season of love here at McGill! Valentine’s Day/Singles Awareness Day will come round these hallowed halls very shortly. Be sure to stop by the McConnell-Adams hallway or the McGill bookstore to book your Golden Valentines before the special/ incredibly awkward day to ensure that your significant digit/significant digits/potential significant digits/yourself can receive a serenade and your choice of chocolate, beer, or flowers during the lecture of your choice! Last month, The McGill Daily was kind enough to introduce us to “The Sex Issue” of their publication. Now, I’m all for adding some spice to the absolutely puritanical Daily, but we at the Faucet could not help but notice their assumption that a shapely female budonkadonk is more appealing for a cover than the acrid hairy man ass that infests 50% of the population. In order to balance their support of the fascist western ideal of female beauty (promoted by Hollywood, Sears, Hollywood, and LEGO) we are proud to offer you the backside of one of your Y-chromasomed colleagues. Enjoy. The Wong building basement is indeed still flooded, so materials and chemical engineering students likely have nothing better to do than read The Plumber’s Faucet and/or masturbate. So please, remember that the Faucet is not a paper towel - that’s what the Daily is for.

-DD


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Faucet Special Flood Investigation Update

by Senior Out-of-Town Correspondant, It’s Always Naked in Philedelphia

The EUS SBR (Strategic Beer Reserve) ruptured early last week after rapidly changing temperatures caused several key valves to fail. “We were always planning on sharing our libation with the student body and the city at large - we had just hoped to bottle it first,” said EUS VP Consumption Liquid Giggles when asked for comment. Further requests for comment were met with a blanket statement to all reporters calling everyone to “Chill the fuck out, Blues Pub is still on

Flood Survival Tips by Set Phasers to Pun

1. Water is wet, but not because it’s aroused. 2. If Blues Pub is to occur that week, a safety dam can be built from garbage, garbage cans, frostbite buckets, hemp, and a banana. Consult MacGyver: Season 2, Episode 4 for full details. 3. If your Mech labs start on the same day as a flood, man-made dams are easily damaged. 4. Flood water tastes about the same as Boreal, so if you are a part

for this Friday as scheduled,” which elicited an audible sigh of relief from the crowd. The cause of the shift in temperature is still unknown and under investigation, though some experts are close to a definitive answer as to what caused the sudden temperature spike. “The only thing to cause an abnormal weather pattern of such magnitude would be a massive, sudden front of hot atmosphere moving very quickly across the city” said an anonymous

of a department that serves it every Thursday, drink it by the mouthful. 5. The basement of Wong keeps lifeguards on staff for its “surprise” pool parties. BYOG (Bring Your Own Geiger-counter). 6. A water slider in motion tends to stay in motion, unless acted on by outside traffic. 7. Don’t break pipes connected to the reservoir. It hurts their feelings. 8. Plan your occupations of the James Admin Building quickly, as you don’t want to run out of fresh water. 9. If you really need to go, it will all end up in the sewer anyways.

source identified within the Faculty of Science. Speculation is still rampant as to what could possibly have led to such a current of warm air, though when cornered in front of the entrance to Gerts, EUS President Herman Hu remarked that “the number of possible sources on campus capable of generating the required amount of hot air is surprisingly small” while glaring disapprovingly at the offices of the McGill Daily.


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Star Trek Pick-Up Lines By Set Phasers to Pun Sex, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the hormone Testosterone. Its continuing mission, to explore strange new positions, to seek out new life and new forms of copulation. To boldly Bone what no man has boned before...

The captain ’s log means I’ve always got wood You’re making a bulge decloak in my pants My forehead isnt the only part of me with ridges You must have me in a tractor beam, because I can’t look away. Requesting permission to dock my shuttle craft in your forward bay. When I enter your nebula, I feel a warp core breach incoming. When it comes to your body, resitance is futile. Scotty’s not the only one who can give her all she’s got. Dont worry baby, I always go in with shields up. First contact is a dangerous mission, but I never probe without permission. I see your eyes are set to stun, but your legs are set to kill.

Warning:

The following hailing messages will likely result in a hostile response. Use with caution!


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The Drunken Slumberer: A Reveiw of Some of the Best Places to Pass Out

by Liquid Giggles

If you’re anything like me, you think you have an alcohol tolerance at least 25 % higher than it actually is. And though this usually makes your adventures 25% more exciting, occasionally it means that you have to stop and take a break – the type of break where you find a place to lie down for twelve hour nap and wake up with a splitting headache and a full bladder.

Cons: You could potentially wake up poorlyrested on a flea-ridden mattress filled with dread and shame as you look to your side at foul-smelling stranger itching unidentifiable body sores next to you. You escape round two, leave with an empty wallet, and go for a walk to the nearest clinic where you can get yourself tested.

Now, finding a perfect cure for hangovers is one of the greatest challenges known to man, right up there with proving Fermat’s last theorem in a single page and finding world peace. I can’t help you there, but after tireless research, the Faucet has found out how to make your drunken slumber more peaceful. The trick is finding the right location to pass out, so I present to you this, a review of the best places to pass out. 1. Friend’s Home: This is probably the most common place to pass out, because it’s one of the most common places to get drunk. Be nice to a passed out friend, because it could be you next time. Pros: It’s safe, and if you pass out on a bed or couch, it’s comfortable. You also have access to water and food, and there are people around who will make sure you don’t get mugged by a junked-up hobo. Cons: You impose on a friend’s hospitality and you leave yourself vulnerable to embarrassing stories. Worst of all, if you’re friends aren’t versed in blackout etiquette, you could find yourself with pieces of furniture stacked on top of you, or with Sharpie all over your body. 2. Stranger’s Home: Well, this is the real mystery bag. Strangers are like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. Pros: You could potentially wake up well-rested in a comfortable bed and become filled with triumph and pride as you look to your side at the stranger sleeping next to you. You play round two, have a nice breakfast, and go for a cruise with the stranger in their yacht on the St. Lawrence.

3. The toilet: The toilet is perhaps the most common place to pass out that was not meant for sleeping. It’s meant to be a stopping point between beer and a softer place to pass out, but some inebriates prefer to set up camp on that porcelain throne. Pros: You don’t need to get up to go the washroom, and if you can’t keep your liquor down there are ample facilities to clean up. You also have lots of clean drinking water in the room, so you can try to avoid a hangover by getting your fill. Cons: The toilet is not the most comfortable place to sleep. More importantly, you are preventing fellow revellers from using the washroom. They will disturb your sleep by banging on the door, and may even remove the hinges so that they can burst in on you with your pants down and toss you on the floor so that they can use the facilities.


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Cons: There’s the risk of security catching you, as well as the risk of breaking an ankle or a rabid animal getting to your special spot. You might sleep uncomfortably, because the architects of famous landmarks did not have the foresight to cover surfaces with memory foam. 5. Ditch: Ah, you can’t beat the classic. People having been passing out in ditches for thousands of years, and though it is often by accident, a ditch is one of the best places to spend your night.

4. On top of a famous landmark: If you are oozing talent and ambition, you can try to pass out in a place with a view. On top of the Arts Building, in the middle of the field in Molson Stadium, or the roof of Notre Dame Cathedral. Pros: You have a great story to tell everyone afterwards, which you can keep with you for life. It’s great fun getting to your resting place, and you get to wake up to a nice view.

Pros: Ditches are often soft and comfortable. The sides of the ditch offer many advantages. They keep you warm by shielding you from wind and they give you privacy by shielding you from sight. Because you’re already partially protected, you don’t need as large a jacket to cover you and act as a blanket. You can lie on your side and the ditch will prevent you from turning onto your back and choking on your vomit. Cons: Ditches are sometimes filled with water and offer no protection from rain. Sometimes they are very dirty. And in Montreal, we don’t even have ditches, so it’s pretty hard to pass out in one. Protection provided against wind

Size of coat needed for a blanket in a ditch

Walls of the ditch force one into the Bacchus position

Size of coat needed for a blanket on open ground

Vegetation provides comfort and support


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Words of Wisdom: Faucet Advice Column by Tribaholic Welcome, readers! This is the Faucet’s new Q/A Advice column! In this column, I, your host Swami Pastrami, will take you on a Magical Mystery Hellride though the human psyche. And/or just answer all of your inappropriate questions. The one promise I will make is that I will answer ANY question posed to me. That’s right folks, ANY question. Just email them to SwamiPastrami@gmail.com . Q. How do I convince my Mom that my grades aren’t that bad? Sincerely, 7th year Chem Eng You’ve got a couple routes to go here. First, my personal favourite: “This engineer at Techfair told me that “C’s get degrees” and I shouldn’t worry about it!” Never mind that his Papa started the company, and everybody else was staring at him with deep-seated resentment. Another solid option is the “well everybody got that grade” line. It works, provided she hasn’t realised that your sample size is the bevy of other stoned 7th year engineers surrounding you. And last, but certainly not least, is what I call obscuring the true nature of reality, also known as “lying”. They will never find out! I promise!*

Q. How long can I postpone dishes? Sincerely, A large cube of bacteria and leftover KD known as “Kevin” A. Rules for this situation were established in the Sunlight Council of 1988. Though this was regarded as a poor compromise and a result of partisan bickering, it is the only recognised convention, and one that I will briefly summarise. Living alone, Under 25: Until you have used more than two different parts of your body as serving dishes and/or cups. Roommate, Under 25: Until your roommate (opponent) gives up. You can last longer than him. Stay strong, my brother. Over 25: Like a week tops. You’re a grown human being! You pay bills! Wash your fucking dishes. Biology Student: You are never allowed to wash dishes. Each dish is a science experiment. You could cure cancer using a dish. Do you want to be the guy that killed a cancer cure with a sponge? This is of course only brief summary on the dishes debate. For further discussion, email either me or editor@mcgilldaily.ca.

Death

Death

Cure for Cancer

Are you feeling lucky punk? Well are ya? *I don’t actually promise


the plumber’s FAUCET Q. What should I buy for my imaginary girlfriend for Valentine’s Day? Sincerely, Bavid Dailey Ahh the age-old question. For the big spender, a corporeal body to upload her consciousness to is always a classy option. A slightly less classy, but still very solid choice is a hologram. Though the voice is tinny and your hands go right through her, you can have oodles of fun with her just by looking! However, this is still a rather extravagant option. For the engineering student on a budget, you can go with the old standby - go to a bar, buy her and you 10 shots each, drink the ones she doesn’t want, get her permission to cheat, then go home with whatever girl will take you.

Fuck me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only bloke.

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New Innovations in the Field of Plumbing by L’Arc de Tri-Hump

In this edition of the Faucet we take a close-up look at what is certain to be if not a necessary, then certainly a helpful tool in any plumber’s business. Randy Storey and Michae Anthony address here the needs of our art by providing this plumbing pipe plug apparatus which will make the difference between unsatisfactory service and a service that guarantees call-backs. It is configured for insertion into a section of pipe and adapted to radially expand so as to engage the inner surface of the pipe and form a positive seal. The pipe plug is adapted with a conduit having a check valve that opens in response to fluid pressure to enable the injection into the plumbing system of a pressurized fluid to pressurize the system downstream of the plug to allow for pressure testing. It has been a long time coming.

Q. I am Arts. How to job? Sincerely, Ecoradical Neanderthal Dear E.N. You look at cave. Cave ugly. You use rock to scrape cave so cave has horses. This called drawing. You say, “Hey! You! You cave ugly! Me scrape your cave, you give meat!” They say, “Get out of my house you filthy hippy.” You go home and learn how to survive as urban forager. Or go the gender-neutral prostitution route. A neanderthal’s gotta eat fair-trade, environmentally conscious, male carrots somehow.

Faucet Survey! As members of a publication which is bent on world domination, we at the Faucet are very much eager to determine how far our influence is spreading. Therefore we have devised a survey to determine what percentage of McGill students read the Faucet. The survey is simple. Simply email faucet@ mcgilleus.ca, and answer the question, “Do you read the Faucet?” Note that the survey results will be used in our application for a Pulitzer prize, and if you answer “no” your vote will be discarded since you had to read this to know to vote.


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The Plumber’s Faucet Presents:

Intimacy for Engineers by It’s Always Naked in Philedlphia Looking for a way to “spice” up your girlfriend’s fish taco? Or maybe your boyfriend’s beef burrito? Take your partner out to enjoy a large spread of Mexican or Indian food with you on a date night. The capsacin molecule is what gives spicy food its pleasant tingle, and acts as an aphrodisiac when applied is just the right spot. The residue in your mouth will be just what you need for a wild night your date won’t soon forget! Does your bedroom assistant leave you and your partner wanting more? If your marital aids lack the “punch” that you’re looking for, consider upgrading the power supply. A rapidly oscillating silicon replica of a phallus is a bit of a novelty, but everyone will take you seriously when you hook it up to your Hemi V8! Do not attempt if your boyfriend is studying anything except Engineering, unless you want him to end up in the hospital missing a few fingers, or god forbid you give yourself an impromptu colonoscopy. If you’re looking looking incorporate the sphincter into your bedroom agenda, choosing the right “facilitator” is key. For couples looking to spend an hour or two exploring their dark caverns, Astroglide or a similar personal lubricant is sufficient. However, for couples looking to go the extra mile, using anything but motor oil will be a mistake you’ll spend weeks regretting. If you plan on spending more than 12 hours sodomizing each other (we at the Faucet want to make it clear that everyone is entitled to put whatever they want into whatever orifice they fancy - we do not judge), make sure it is rated for at least 3000 miles (kilometers?). Friction burns are a bitch to get over, particularly internal ones, and you want to make sure you limit heat build-up as much as possible.

Rejected Frostbite Flavours By BJ Magnum

Frostbite depends on your involvement to continue to innovate in the flavour department. Sadly, not all of your ideas made the cut. The shining examples of those that will never be are shown below. Thanks to their contributors for ruining my appetite. Natural Harvest: a collection of semen based recipes – anonymous Martlet Blood – Catherine Trudeau Happiness (any liquor) and Butterflies (actual butterflies) - Xavier Gosselin Ice Cream or Cold Milk - Sahil & Margaret PDE’s: tastes like black rubber - anonymous Pepper Anne - anonymous Shame - anonymous


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Hetero-Reality Couples: The Dark History By Brigid Cami

Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated! Why, it’s more than I can bear. On the eleventh of September in the year of our Lord 2012, Stanford University student Lennay Kekua died in a car accident and also cancer. She was the online girlfriend of University of Notre Dame linebacker, Manti T’eo. It was not until last month that it was discovered that T’eo had been catfished and that Lennay was not an existing person, but rather a gay man pretending to be Lennay behind his computer screen. Oh how the world laughed. Little T’eo was pointed and laughed at and bullied with a vengeance. And SNL made a skit.

Look at that little face. What kind of world is it that we live in where a man can’t fall in love with an imaginary woman who imaginarily dies of cancer (and also a car accident)? In Japan they’re marrying body pillows*, and yet imagination remains a crime. Where would we be now without the celebrated imaginary couples of our time? Where would we be without Danny and his finger Tony in The Shining? I’ll tell you where we would be. We would think redrum was a red drum and the “not pregnant” gif would never have come to life. There is nothing more sacred than the relationship between that boy and his dominant hand covered in hand lotion. *Editor’s Note: There is truth to this - marraige laws there are funky.

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A Blind Date on Valentine’s Day A Mad Lib for the Day of Pink by Liquid Giggles Once again the Faucet brings you another Mad Lib, since throwing random words into a paragraph is probably about as clever as the other shit we put in here. In case you’re a Concordia student, I’ll explain how it works. Simply fill in the blanks below, and when you’re through the list, simply transfer them to page 15 and enjoy!

Fill in the blanks and enter them on page 15! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

Adjective _______________________________ Number ________________________________ Adjective _______________________________ Name __________________________________ Type of vehicle___________________________ Number ________________________________ Colour _________________________________ Adjective _______________________________ Adjective _______________________________ Article of clothing ________________________ Body part _______________________________ Noun __________________________________ Adjective ______________________________ Noun__________________________________ Adjective ______________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Type of professional (plural)_________________ Number ________________________________ Number ________________________________ Noun (plural) ____________________________ Adjective _______________________________ Verb ending in -ing________________________ Adjective ________________________________ Type of food _____________________________ Number ________________________________ Type of food _____________________________ Type of food _____________________________ Something you shout in anger________________ Verb ___________________________________ Noun __________________________________ Type of building __________________________ Body part _______________________________


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The Faucet Kink Survey -Now 23% more accurate than the McGill Daily by Liquid Giggles and Set Phasers to Pun We at the Faucet found the McGill Daily’s kink survey quite interesting, but we believe that it was not conducted with the statistical rigour expected of a McGill publication. In particular, it seems clear to us that the kinks supposedly enjoyed by McGill students are far too mundane. The Daily also does not provide juicy details like the distrbution of kinks within each faculty. But have no fear, for the Faucet is here to remedy this deplorable situation. By conducting a poll which adhered to rigourous scientific method*, we have come up with figures which we believe are far more accurate than those provided by the McGill Daily. You will notice that we have our results in a slightly different format. We determined the favourite kinks of various universities and faculties, then determined the proportion of students which had those as their favourite kinks. Prepare to see the true dirty underbellies of McGill students.

*Polling strategy consisted of a combination of anecdotal evidence, school and faculty bias, and outright bullshit.


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From The Plumber’s Pot The Plumber’s Pot was a McGill Engineering publication put together by brave and hilarious souls in the long lost ages of the ‘50s, ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s, before it was banned from campus. We here at the Faucet draw inspiration from these classic works of art, and so we share their “artwork” with you, our readers, so their wit may live on.

What Men Are Good For By Lower C. Chord

1. To use and abuse 2. Cleaning windows 3. Sleeping on the wet spot 4. Cheating on you 5. Cleaning toilet bowls 6. Coming within 30 seconds 7. Screaming out your best friends’ name during climax 8. Spending money on you 9. Leaving hairs in your mouth 10. Eating Souvlakis before sex 11. Getting incredibly horny when it’s that time of the month 12. Making excuses 13. Lying 14. Giving massages 15. Changing tires 16. Coming in their pants 17. Shovelling snow 18. Shovelling bullshit 19. Forgetting their condoms at home 20. Getting hard-ons when they have their sweats on 21. Being womanizing little pricks 22. Going limp 23. One night stands 24. Watching hockey 25. Picking up RVC chicks at Pubnites 26. Wetting your lips

Sex Life of an Electron By Eddie Current

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try and get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride in his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone bridge, around by the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Milli’s characteristic curves, soon had his resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Milli Amp said, “Mho, Mho, Mho, give me Mho”. With his tube operating at a maximum peak and her coil vibrating from the current flow, she soon reached her maximum peak. The excess current flow had gotten her hot, and Micro Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all its field strength. Afterwards, Milli Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoid. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others’ fuses. WATT A NIGHT!! Jan 26, 1977 (vol 76 no.5)


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A Blind Date on Valentine’s Day A Mad Lib for the Day of Pink

Fill in Page 11 before completing! Valentine’s Day is a 1. ______________ time of year for many, but not for me. It always makes me remember the time 2. ____ years ago when I had the most 3. ______________ date ever.

My frend set me up with a woman named 4.______________. I had never seen her before, so I was surprised when I saw her step out of her 5.______________ at the restaurant. She was about 6.____ foot tall, had long 7.______________hair, a 8.______________ nose, was wearing a 9.______________ 10.______________, and had a 11.______________ that looked like a 12.______________. We were eating at the 13.______________ 14.______________, a fancy restaurant. It was known for selling 15.______________ food and 16.______________wine, so it sounded pretty good to me. They also had a band of 17.______________ who entertained diners with their trade. When we got in, we saw that it was pretty crowded, since there were over 18.____ people there. I had to bribe the waiter 19.____ dollars to get a table, and he put us between a group of 20.______________ and a 21.______________ man who looked like he was about to start 22.______________. I told my date she was looking very 23.______________ that evening. The waiter brought us our menu, and we started looking for a good meal. All I saw were varieties of 24.______________ and nothing for under 25. ____ bucks. I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, the French 26.______________. Unfortunately, my partner ordered the 27.______________, which was the most expensive thing. At that point, I asked if we were planning on splitting the bill. She all of a sudden got up and shouted “28.______________!” I was on the defensive, and immediately offered to pay. But the damage was done. The group of 20. ______________ started to 29.______________ in disgust. As I got up to plead my defense, I bumped into the waiter who had already brought my French 26.______________, and he spilled it all over the band of 17.______________. While I was distracted with that, my date hit me over the head with a 30.______________ and it was lights out. I woke up the next day in a 31.______________ with a broken 32.______________and smelling like French 26.______________. On the bright side, the waiter didn’t charge me for my meal. And you know what, it was still a tamer night than the debauchery of Groundhog Day.


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Next-Level Family Friendly Word Search Family-Friendly Level: Mr. Dressup by Liquid Giggles Before we dive into another wholesome adventure of word-searching, I’d like to congratulate Maude Courcy who discovered from the last word search that during E-Week we should try not to “Make feet for children’s shoes”. She is now the owner of a brand new Faucet T-Shirt, and her father is guarding the front door of her apartment with shotgun to fend off the swarms of suitors attracted by this sexy fashion statement. You too can have unlimited Faucet-t-shirt-enabled sex at your fingertips if you can be first to find the secret phrase in this issue’s Faucet Word Search. We already have enough smut on the cover of this issue, so we’re going to keep it completely family friendly. We’ve given you 13 common words to find, along with 20 other words or phrases that are definitely not sordid terms following a common theme. When you find the 13 given words and 20 hiddens words, which are all either horizontal or vertical, take the remaining letters to get the hiddens phrase. Now get to work, and have yourself some good, clean fun! 1. Widen 8. Dull 2. Exalt 9. Cramp 3. Arson 10. Doing 4. Roll 11. Lung 5. Blow-up 12. Heed 6. Bylaw 13. Clan 7. Slob 14. _____________________ 15. _____________________ 16. _____________________ 17. _____________________ 18. _____________________ 19. _____________________ 20. _____________________ 21. _____________________ 22. _____________________ 23. _____________________ 24. _____________________ 25. _____________________ 26. _____________________ 27. _____________________ 28. _____________________ 29. _____________________ 30. _____________________ 31. _____________________ 32. _____________________ 33. _____________________ Secret Phrase: __ __ __ __

__ __ __

__ __ __ __

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __!

Hint: “A glass of water might be good too”


Just Another Sex Issue