The End of Year Issue

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 10 • April 14th, 2014

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Chief Invigilators Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Apprentice Invigilator Faraz Oman Students Adam Pickersgill Amanda dos Santos Brigid Cami Celestine Hong Daniel Dicaire Daniel Galef David Bailey Graham Pinchin Hadi Sayar Ian Richardson Justin Asfour Ryan Tack

Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University

Crib Sheet Gurus Alexandra Foty Celestine Hong (cover) Daniel Galef David Bailey Justin Turcotte Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@ mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 10 Monday, April 14th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editors: YOU MADE IT! All of the late night arguments with SolidWorks and mornings where the G-Store was the only place with coffee have finally paid off.

You can look forward to two and a half weeks of stress and exams in the gym, because of some reason. YAY! This year brought its ups and downs. Bike Gates, course cuts, and safety audits tried as the might to bring sorrow to the masses, but we also saw record numbers at OAP, Frosh, and E-Week. People inside and outside the faculty are beginning to realize just how great Engineering parties can be.

To everyone that is coming back next year, I’m sure the best times are still to come. To the graduating people, I’m sure that it will never measure up to the good old days. Blues Pub had thirty people at most, and the beer came in green bottles. Kids these days don’t know what it’s like to live.

But enough about that. David really wants you guys to go to OAP Lite on the 24th. I know it’s always a great place with cold beer, great charcoal grilled food, and live music, but he seems incredibly zealous about it. He’s just sitting there screaming about OAP Lite. He’s even wearing a jacket that says “OAP MANAGER.” I just don’t know what’s gotten into him.

In other news, this is the end of the year, and that brings some sad and happy changes to the Faucet.

Brigid and Amy are graduating, both after only four years (pretty good for Faucet-writers!). Also, your editors are stepping down - Dan is being thrust naked into the cruel, cruel world, while David is crawling deeper into the womb of the EUS by taking the role of EUS VP Finance. But Dan will still be around as our real-world correspondent, while David will still be able to help the new editor with layout and editing and stuff - he just won’t be able to bear the editor’s crown, cape, and scepter.

But enough about us - we’re happy to announce that layout-boy Faraz Oman will be the new Editor in 2014-2015. We’re sure that he will do swell!

And with that, Faucet editors out!

-DD & DB

the plumber’s FAUCET

3

Study Hacks to get A’s on Your Essays!

by Rocky Mountain Runaway Are you in general engineering and realizing that your GPA is only good enough to get into Mining?

Well, here’s part 1 of my series of study tricks to help you get A’s in all your classes.

Now you’re probably in Facc 100 or maybe some elective that has a research paper or some sort of essay. It’s the night before it’s due and you’re thinking, “Holy shit! Six pages?! I’ve never written something that long!” First, here’s how you buy some extra time.

The professor probably requires you to upload the essay to MyCourses as a Word document or the Mac equivalent. So here’s what you do: open up a Word file and type something, maybe even your thesis (if you’ve gotten that far).

Save it, right click on the file, and open it in Notepad. It should have a bunch of incoherent computer jargon eerily similar to the MissingNo glitch in Pokémon. Anyway, delete some of the coding, save it as a Word document, and upload it.

So in a couple of days when the TA goes to grade the paper, your Word document will be unreadable and appear that there is a weird computer mistake. It looks like you’re a good student who turns things in ahead of time and they’ll email you saying to re-upload it. You apologize for the inconvenience and you send them the now finished essay. All professors and TAs are sympathetic. They won’t deduct any points or just give you a zero. It’s not like you’re just a number to them.

Secondly, you have to actually write the paper… or copy and paste it from Wikipedia, either or. With the standard size 12 font, Times New Roman, double spaced, and 2-inch margins you only need about 5 to 5 and 1/4 pages. Here is where the magic starts. The grader isn’t actually going to take a ruler and measure your margins. Just bump that to a 2.10-inch margin,

or if you’re feeling lucky, bump it to 2.15-inches? It’s gotten closer to the six page requirement but still has some work.

Next, do a Ctrl+F search. Put in a period ‘.’ and hit the ‘Replace…’ button. Replace it with another period, but size 14 font. You can also do this with commas and spaces. Essentially, you’ve increased the size of all punctuation to take up a surprising amount of space. It’s definitely not noticeable to the naked eye, especially when compared to a stack of 100 identical other papers.

Some other complaints about essays are, “I have writer’s block,” or, “I’m really bad at writing,” or, “I’m an engineer”. Hopefully you’ve actually been to class because you should take note of your professor’s political and philosophical views.

On your essay, regurgitate these ideologies for an easy A grade.

Instead of thinking critically and backing up your argument with thought-provoking sources, just say what the professor wants to hear.

You won’t sound like a suck-up at all. Trust me.

There are also tools like Amazon’s Mechanical Turk where you can assign simple tasks to a pool of workers, and then pay them a nominal amount based on the work. So you could hire these ‘MTurkers’ to research 5 relevant sources for $3.00, sacrificing two beers from Blues Pub. University is not about learning, it’s about the experience, so you might as well enjoy Tokyo Thursdays while you can.

These tricks transition into the real world too.

They set up efficient study habits that won’t catch up to you. Don’t worry about starting that report, because your boss will take a couple days to notice that you sent him a corrupted file…again.

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Talking to Commoners: Explaining Your Degree

by Set Phasers to Pun Unless you are masochistic, or just rather odd, you tend to pick a University program that appeals to you, either for interest’s sake or for the money. In engineering, we are in an uncommon group because everyone thinks they know what an engineer does, but can’t bother to learn anything else about it. If my family is any judge, I build bridges and I program supercomputers.

These qualifications are totally false, but it does make me the de facto person to call after a trip to IKEA. Are we doomed to a life of chronic misunderstanding between our friends and our skills? I hope not, because if one more person asks me why they can’t just put a generator on their car and get free electricity, I’m going to lose it.

Civil : As a civil engineer, you can tell almost anyone that you design bridges, or buildings, or roads, or sewers, or whatever and they won’t look at you like a deer in the headlights. Just don’t talk about your insatiable love for steel and concrete, because they won’t understand when you say you need to go take a cold shower.

Mining: Mining is also pretty easy to explain. “I try to dig a really big hole in the right spot to get rocks that I can sell. Oh and that probably won’t collapse… maybe.”

You may deal with some dumb

questions like “have you found mole people?”, but just ignore them because everyone with reasonable reading skills knows that the deep reaches of the earth are home to Dwarves and Orcs. While relatively straightforward in concept, mining engineers have the hardest time when dealing with people who use words like “petro-culture” , “Gluten Free”, and “Grande-extra-shot-soycinnamon-dulce-latte”. Just avoid them , and hope they are distracted by someone wearing fur.

Materials: You guys have two groups to contend with: uninformed commoners, and other McGill students who assume that you’re in mining. For the former, tell that you are in charge of making sure that that bridges, cars, and The Titanic don’t fall apart unexpectedly due to shitty metal. As for McGill Students, there’s nothing you can say until the department is separated. At least you can go play Counter-Strike in the lounge.

Mechanical: Here’s where things get a little hazy. Mech eng is one of the broadest fields, meaning that they assume you do everything. As a mechie myself, I’m apparently an expert in cars, planes, rockets, boilers, air conditioning, robots, Civil Engineering, and gears. And all of that with only about one course on each subject. Whenever

someone hears that you study such flashy things as jet engines, they are always disappointed when you say you work in pipe sizing. Just tell them you work on rockets. Lie if you have to.

Chemical: “Oh, so you like chemistry?”

Software: We’ve gotten into the real hard stuff. If your grandmother ever asks what you study at school, rest assured that every time you go over, they’ll tell you about a new problem on the iPad. Nobody but programmers, computer scientists, and software engineers know how computers work. It’s just a black box with pretty lights that sometimes lets you play 2048. No one cares about SQL, or Linux, or compilers.

Unless the person asking already knows computers, tell them you’re in Chemical.

Electrical: Electricity is the driving force that makes our modern way of life possible. So obviously no one has any idea how it works. When you tell someone that you work in electrical, you are probably just going to get complaints about the damn circuit breakers popping every time they plug in the kettle.

In this case, try to resist the urge to short the breaker and watch as their house burns down. FACC 400 says that’s bad.

the plumber’s FAUCET

Politician Accused of ... Something

by Set Phaser to Pun In a shocking turn of events, a public servant in elected office has been accused of doing something that wasn’t very nice. People close to the source claim that someone close to the campaign or one of the office staff, or a towel boy at the pool, had inappropriate relations with the accused. “It definitely involved sex. Sex or drugs. The two things it could of been are sex and drugs. And money.

The three things it could have been...” said Monto Pitón.

It is unclear why this political veteran would ever do something inappropriate. Politicians have a long and proud tradition of being strong role models and maintaining untarnished reputations.

Investigators have yet to comment on the matter, so all news coverage on this affair will surely stop until there is actually something to talk about.

News outlets are far too busy with important news like a rich English baby and whatever Kanye said lately than to occupy precious air time with rumour and slander. The population is anxiously waiting for a thorough and complete investigation before making posts on their well-researched blogs.

Surely the consequences, should he be found guilty, will be both legal and political. No special treatment is expected of this otherwise ordinary citizen, but surely they shall never hold office again. Personal matters in their life are obviously the only metric to judge a public figure by. The public will surely remember any past associations with illegal activity, even if the elections are more than two weeks away.

Citizens have so many choices for candidates with completely clean records to choose from.

Picking a candidate who won’t become a paragon of morality is an unlikely bet.

5

Stachebait’s Poetry Corner

by Stachebait Brew Ha Ha Nantucket Man There once was a man from Nantucket He took on the world and said fuck it He left for two weeks Came back with a freak And gave it the name John Rucket

Time: The Meaning What is time?

But a measure of length What is length?

But a measure of time We live our days with just little time That only when it runs out do we understand this rhyme?

Class ActI’m sitting here in class Trying to comprehend the meaning The teacher speaks and I get this feeling I’m solely worried about the pass They don’t really keep my attention The seats are more uncomfortable than an erection Well not the “Time for sex” kind, the “I got to rotate kind”.

Seriously, you suck; Change if you don’t mind But what can we really do!

We are all here for the same reason I hate to say it but we only try to please him In doing so lose sight of what is true.

So please fellow comrades, listen up Next time you sit in class, take a moment Think about what is truly important Are you here for you or simply for the shiny gold cup?

What is Love?

What’s The Meaning Of the word; It took me a while To follow its entitlement I sit here a man Enlightened; You are To Blame

6 the plumber’s FAUCET

Why YOU Should Join The Faucet

by Celestine Hong Well dear readers and fellow Faucet members (who should be, not-so-coincidentally, also readers), I’ve decided to set fingers to keyboard and compose my first literary contribution to the Faucet. And yes, it’s one of your resident illustrators—the one who (when she does show up) habitually lurks at a corner of the table, doesn’t drink, and smiles nervously whenever anyone engages her in conversation.

Now, as a two-months-and-twenty-one-day initiate into the Faucet program, I find it my duty to lure newcomers into joining via voodoo magic and promises of candy at meetings, along with other unmentionables. Listed below are seven reasons why YOU should join the Faucet next term, the funny intermixed with the staid (and if the funny isn’t actually funny, there should hopefully be some funny in reading the pathetic attempts of a not-so-funny-person trying to be funny).

7. Chill’s the word.

It’s not that the level of commitment is nil (or none, nix, nihil, whatever you prefer)—we do manage to get several weighty issues out per semester—it’s that Faucet is very flexible and accommodating of, say, 3 midterms looming around the corner of a week.

And I love that.

6. Everyone is welcome.

Reptiles included.

5. They don’t actually care that THAT THAT much about how funny you are.

Well actually, they do. It’s a satirical magazine.

But they’ll welcome you with open arms regardless (unless you consider the Daily holy writ, in which case they may consider expanding the Harvard library collection of human-fleshbound books by one upon discovery).

4. Meetings are at bars (often BDP).

Because there’s nothing better than watching Marie-Phillip Poulin score the winning goal ten times in a row while plotting world domination.

3. You get a well-deserved break from Heat and Mass, PDEs, dynamics, and more.

It’s still work, but it doesn’t actively attempt to fry your brain.

2. You’ll get more involved than ever in campus life.

How else would you know who-got-drunk-whocensured-who, or who-demanded-an-apology-from-whose-apology-for-whose-microaggresive-email? (I mean, you could read your emails, but ain’t nobody got time for that).

1. Yesterday I had fried rice and grape juice for breakfast.

Meaning, even if it is for no reason whatsoever, you should join.

It’s that awesome.

the plumber’s FAUCET

4/20 Brought to You by My Household Appliances

by Amanda dos Santos

7

EUS Votes Unanimously on Friday to Annex Burnside Hall Basement

by Ryan Tack, Esquire

After lengthy discussions with McGall University’s administration on the issue of a lack of accessible and useable student space for students in the Faculty of Engineering, the Engineering Usurping Society has voted “YES” on a motion to annex Burnside Hall Basement as an extraterritorial possession. The motion was voted in unanimously, as the VP Eternal of the EUS describes haggardly: “After Blues Pub, we gathered on the sacred couches of voting, and asked everybody to close their eyes as we asked voters to raise their hands”. The results of the vote were an astounding 100 +/- 10% “YES”, with zero dissenting votes.

In an interview with the EUS Prime Minister regarding the motivation behind the motion, he summed it up as follows: “Well it’s clear that engineers need more space to study and stuff; I mean, have you seen how crowded MD50 gets at 2 am on a Saturday night? So after being rejected

by McGall bureaucrats, we decided to implement a plan of annexation.

Burnside Basement is literally connected to McConnell via an underground tunnel, so we wouldn’t have to get our Mining engineers to build one – it’s perfect”.

When asked how the EUS will implement the annexation, we were told that the plan was largely aggressive in nature, involving a “robot army” and “broomball stick-wielding drunken hooligans”. In response to

the plans for annexation, students in the Faculty of Farts issued a statement that they would: “write mean things about you in the Daily”, while Management students threatened the EUS with sanctions and quote, “we won’t help you with FACC 300 anymore”.

Perhaps the most extreme response came from the residents of Burnside Hall Basement themselves, who issued the following statement: “Members of the BBDA (Burnside Basement Dwellers Association) hereby do not accept the EUS’s plan for annexation, and any aggression will be met with swift resistance”. While the EUS Prime Minister initially expressed concern over the BBDA’s statement, saying : “I’m worried our invasion plans will be thwarted by these Science students … with their knowledge of black holes, acids and bases and biological warfare.” He then snidely remarked : “Actually, it’s not like they’d know how to implement any of those things in real life anyways”.

As it stands, no territorial acquisition has been achieved, but Schulich librarians have reported an alarming increased presence of engineers outside the doors to the FDA-Burnside Hall Basement tunnel.

8 the plumber’s FAUCET

Exams Made Easy!

by Set Phasers to Pun

Each semester, our glorious overlords, I mean the Faculty, sits you and all of your friends down in a huge auditorium so you can tell them how much more you should have studied. It’s a glorious time of year when the coffee shop owners make record profits, and internet bandwidth is dominated

by Netflix. Just about all of you reading this will understand what it means for the entire semester’s grade to depend on unsimplified expressions and second-grade sketching skills. As part of my final passing of knowledge, I will share with you my fool-resistant method to passing any exam*, regardless of how much you studied.

Early Morning of Exam Day This is the ideal time to prepare your crib sheets, (if your exam allows them) or your favorite bathroom stall (if the exam doesn’t allow crib sheets). I recommend that you bring a magnifying glass, because with enough dedication and a steady hand, a single 8.5 x 11 can hold every practice problem in the book.

In the Exam Most professors in engineering don’t believe in multiple choice.

Probably because A, B , C, and D remind them too much of English class. This means that you will almost always need to construct a solution from scratch.

*A small subset of exams

Start with the first question.

Look over it, circle the variables, find the unknowns, freakout, take a drink from that rather patriotic Irish “coffee” that you brought in your travel mug, and go to the next question. Repeat until you either find a problem on your crib sheet, or you run out of questions, whichever comes second. Now you can begin to answer the problem.

Start by drawing a pretty picture, with some variable names next to it. Also, use a lot of arrows. Write things like “assuming steady state” and “g=9.81”. Take a sip of your coffee. Look at your watch. YOU DID BRING A WATCH, DIDN`T YOU? Write a Σ and a few variables and equate that to be your answer.

Invoke the mean value theorem.

Integrate over the range of t, and make a comment if the function is symmetric. Write every single law on your crib sheet. try to make them cancel into one giant monstrosity of an expression.

If something doesn’t cancel, make up an excuse about why it’s “negligibly small”.

Finally, some finishing touches that are unique to the course really help to

solidify how much you understand the course to the grader. Thermo Dynamics: “Assuming quasistatic expansion” and “assume standard air properties”. Circuits: “By Thevenin’s Theorem,” “neglect end effects,” and “Assume ideal (op-amp, trasformer)” , Materials/ Solid Mech: “neglect end stress concentrations”,

Immediately following the exam: Go drink. If anyone tries to talk about the exam you just took, make the shape of a “C” with your dominant hand, strike swiftly just above the larynx. Enjoy your beer. Exam grades will be released sometime in 2015.

the plumber’s FAUCET

9

Five Stages of Being A Leafs Fan

by Tribalholic

Death, taxes, and a Toronto Maple Leafs late-season collapse. These are the things people set their clocks by.

I personally know daylight savings time when the Leafs hit the 4th game of their losing streak. Coming from a hardened veteran of many Leafs collapses, I feel like I should write a short guide to surviving it.

Step 1: Denial.

Start by just denying the entire thing is happening. This is a stupid, damning, but ultimately necessary thing to do. You can likely delay for almost 2 weeks during the collapse justifiably. Keep talking about a “late season push”, “bad officiating”, and “injuries”. In secret, slowly start developing a drinking habit. Keep it quiet though – just a beer or two a game, to tide you through the stretch. This step is characterized by phrases like “We just need 9 points in 11 games – that isn’t so bad!”

Step 2: Anger.

Start finding scapegoats. It really doesn’t matter who, just insist that as soon as that one person is fired, your team will be back on track.

For added effectiveness, make it someone who will never be fired – a good choice for this is the owner, as seen by Ottawa and the Islanders.

Keep insisting that they fire this person. Make a hash tag, several derogatory nicknames, and a couple dozen photo shops as them as a pylon on the ice, or trying to work a toaster on the bench. For that true Toronto flavour, try to make much of this to do with waffles. Also, start

a “Leafs Game Drinking Game”. It will give you a reason for becoming blackout drunk every game, besides your team falling to pieces in front of you. This step is characterized by the phrase, “Fuck everything. Fuck the coach, fuck the GM, fuck all our 4th line plugs, FUCK!”

3. Bargaining.

Chances are that the trade deadline is passed, so there’s no real bargaining. Instead, just imagine made-up trades. Make them as unrealistic as possible for maximum effect. Also, start bargaining, compromising, and rationalizing in your personal life. Sacrifice your firstborn for a Wild Card spot. Or justify that second trip to the beer store by knowing you’ll return 5 Leafs games to the Beer Store as you do it. This step is characterized by phrases like, “Clarkson for Tavares.

That’s legitimate, right?”

5. Acceptance.

This is, perhaps, the saddest stage of all. There is something particularly cathartic about knowing that something is going to happen.

This is the time when you decide that you will never be taken in by their lies again (even though you will again in 6 months). Realizing that you are so numb to defeat and pain and loss, there’s really nothing that can hurt you anymore. Start actively cheering for your team to tank. Start researching next year’s draft picks, and see how low you can go! Feel great about feeling terrible about the future. Hope that the team makes a big new flashy signing of a player or personnel that can give you unjustifiable hope! This step is characterized by the phrase, “Don’t worry. The biggest thing we need to do next year is plan the parade!”

4. Depression.

This is the best bit. This is when the real soul crushing comes. This is when you realize that for every single year of your life, 20-odd guys have gone onto a big flat sheet of frozen water and made you feel sad. Every single year. For 57 years.

Start wondering if they’ll win the Cup before you die. Get more sad.

Then realize that it’s okay. Not every relationship can be perfect and yeah, they’ve torn your heart out.

But this time, it will be different.

Then realize that it won’t. Keep drinking. This step is characterized by the single word, uttered softly: “fuck.”

At least your logo is often above the podium at the Olympics... if you’re colour-blind

10 the plumber’s FAUCET

Arts Students Feel the Pressure of Engineering Marketability

by Adam Pickersgill

As the year draws to a close, could be a degree in engineering. many students, both graduating While it is well documented that and not, are testing the job markets Engineering degrees often lead to to try and find a source of income well-paid positions in an engineering to fund various activities, including field, a lesser known fact is that a but not limited to eating, drinking degree in Engineering is actually beer, masturbating, and reading quite attractive to recruiters in Buzzfeed articles. Many members other fields. A recent poll of job of the undergraduate community recruiters and HR representatives in are well aware that those of us non-engineering fields has resulted pursuing an engineering degree in 77% of the four professionals are often in a solid position to polled suggesting that the typical find such a source of income, engineer’s advanced understanding even without further education. of mathematics and statistics makes However, most of this assumes engineering prospects attractive that such a position would be in an hires, while another 56% added that engineering field. What students “engineers are actually are recently starting to realize, is that engineers are actually quite quite marketable beyond marketable beyond the standard the standard engineering disciplines” engineering disciplines. A recent article published by International Public Radio further supports this typically concise engineers are not claim: prone to run-on sentences and thus “In today’s ever dynamic job make great writers.” – International Public Radio market, recent graduates are looking for any edge they can find to set themselves apart from the pack. New unpublished studies are showing that one such advantage

Arts students are panicking at the idea that their already competitive applicant pools are flooding with even more occupants. And it seems many are willing to resort to questionable tactics to belay the encroachment of engineers in their respective fields.

SSMU club’s latest dismissal of an engineer who used his

engineering expertise to engineer a win in the recent SSMU election unfair and square is only the most recent example of the fear Arts students are showing toward the looming threat of engineers disinterested in engineering. Not only are arts students willing to stoop to such tactics as enforcing the clearly stipulated rules, they also have the audacity to utilize such tactics as the ability to have interpersonal skills, and Knowing how to properly Capitalize words in appropriate contexts.

Luckily, this mounting tension is somewhat diminished by the fact that engineers are much less willing to work for no pay, such as in the case of an unpaid internship. Many arts students are happy with such a position, as that usually just means one needs to not know math for the job. While this Faucet contributor has always advocated for interdisciplinary study and discussion, I also think it is important to keep the peace within our wonderful, friendly, and cooperative university. So engineers, remember that despite our marketability beyond the fields of engineering, we made a choice to do what we do and so we should leave journalism and the rest of the arts to those who study it, and limit ourselves to making all of the boxes with fancy lights, buttons, and noisier sub-boxes go.

the plumber’s

Galef

Vol. 1 no. 1 • April 14th, 2014

the plumber’s FAUCET

11

GALEF 12 the plumber’s Galef the plumber’s Masthead Galef’s Editors Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Extra Galef Layout Faraz Oman Writers Daniel Galef Daniel Galef Daniel Galef

Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University

Galef’s Illustrators Alexandra Foty (cover) Daniel Galef Disclaimer The Plumber’s Galef is not a real Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Galef are not almost definitely sarcastic, and should not be taken seriously. The Galef does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada, or anything else, because this is nothing but a joke. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact Nobody, because this masthead is only here to look pretty. Read the one in the real inside cover.

Daniel Galef has been by the far the Faucet’s most prolific writer this semester, and he has produced a lot of excellent stuff, both under his name and others. Only in U0, He had produced enough content for the year by October, and kept producing more. So for the end-of-year issue, we found that we had about enough content for an issue made purely out of Daniel’s stuff.

Therefore, it seemed only logical that we should create “The Plumber’s Galef ”, the EUS’s newest publication, with literary content created entirely

by Daniel Galef, with editing and drawing done by Faucet staff. You will find that this 12-page issue can be easily removed from the Faucet which surrounds it. Read the Galef, hear the Galef, breathe the Galef.

I don’t really know what else to put in the editor’s note for the Galef, so here’s Leonhard Euler on a unicycle. I’m sure Daniel Galef would approve.

Complaints While the Faucet takes complaints very seriously, this is The Galef. Which does not actually exist on its own.

Kinda like one of those lizard bat things that they found inside the space worm in The Empire Strikes Back. That was a really cool movie. Darth Vader was like “NO, I AM YOU’RE FATHER” and Luke was like “NOOOOOOOOOO!” It was pretty cool. Also Boba Fett. the plumber’s GALEF vol. 1 no. 1 Monday, April 14th, 2014 ISSN (print): 696969-696969696 ISSN (online): 696969696969-69696969696696969696

-DD & DB

the plumber’s Galef GALEF

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Notes of Note for New Students: Educational sketches for the Frosh

by Daniel Galef

# 47: Uni Is Not School Vice Chancellor Winthorpe Rhoades is sitting at his desk in the janitorial closet, fingers steepled while the drinking bird drinks. Presently, he speaks into a small secretarial microphone or intercom at his elbow.

Rhoades:

Janet, would you please send him in now?

Thanks.

Janet:

Go drop dead in a ditch.

Rhoades:

Thank you, Janet.

Timmy: (reluctantly) I got inna drunken brawl with Harry, crashed through a second floor strip joint window, and landed on a townie.

Rhoades: And thank Heaven no one was hurt. However, I have Harry in the other room, and I think that someone deserves an apology.

Timmy:

Oowww! . . Do I hafta?

Rhoades: Yes; unless you want me to pick up this phone and call up your floor fellow, tell her ‘Timmy’s been acting up again.’ Do you want that?

Timothy Giles slouches in and sits down. He

is wearing a grey hoodie under a striped school tie and blazer. Timmy takes a sucking candy from a bowl on the desk, looks at it, and pockets it, then takes two more.

There is an awkward silence.

Mr Rhoades pointedly clears his throat.

Timmy:

All right.

Timmy:

Good Mooorning, Mister Rhoooades.

Rhoades:

Ah, ha, ha, your razor wit never rests, does it?

Rhoades: (beaming)

Good morning, Timmy.

Pause.

Timmy, do you know why you’re here?

Timmy:

I ain’t done shit.

Rhoades: Now, Timmy, I’m sure you just want to get this over with as much as I do. Wouldn’t you like to get back to playing with your friends?

Rhoades: (to P.A.)

All right, Janet. Could you please send in Harold McPherson?

Janet:

Go to hell.

Harry slouches in, looking identical to Timmy, but with dark hair. He grabs a handful of candies from the bowl and shoves them into the front pocket of his pullover.

An expectant pause.

Timmy:

He fuckin’ started it! He ripped off my blow!

Harry:

Like hell I did, you cheating son-of-a— Rhoades: Now, now, there, boys. I don’t care who started it, or

14 the plumber’s GALEF who stole whose cocaine. Either way, it’s been confiscated, so you can’t have it back until the end of the week. Now apologize to each other and shake hands like grown-ups, then you’re free to go.

Timmy: Harry: A’m srry.

Rhoades:

What’s that?

Timmy:

I said: . . I’m sorry.

Harry:

Me, tooo.

Rhoades:

Good, good. What about the townie you landed on, have you apologized to her?

Timmy:

Old Mrs. Ferringsworth was crushed to death, sir.

Rhoades:

Well all right, then. Run along, you two.

Exeunt.

Finis.

# 48: Uni Is Not Life Chief Inspector Hughes Davison is not in the room, but Johnny Kynes is sitting in an angular metal chair at an angular metal table, under a swinging angular metal lightbulb. Student Services Mediator #27 comes whirling in and slaps his hands on the far end of the table, face a few inches from Johnny’s.

Mediator: Alright, you little ********, now here’s how it’s gonna go: You tell me the name of your contact, her supplier, and everyone else in the operation right fucking now, or else I’ll beat your brains to a bloody pulp with my bare fists, spit in the gory mess and rub it around with the heel of my boot, and then call in the bad cop. Do you get me?

Johnny:

But, sir, I — Mediator: Don’t give me that shit. You’re not in our little den of thieves anymore, you delinquent, and we can keep you here as long as we fucking want. You got places to be? Well too fucking bad. How long do you think it’ll take before you break, eh, Jack? A day? Two? A week?

You see, we have a little department betting pool, and I stand to win a pretty penny if I let you rot in here for more than 72 hours before you sing like a canary.

Johnny:

But I don’t think — Mediator: No, you don’t, perp, but don’t strain yourself too hard trying. I’m losing my patience here, and that’s not something you want to happen. You still wanna use that pretty face of yours for something besides scaring children, you’d best give me a full confession right now.

Johnny: (breaking down in tears) All right! All right! I did it! I’m sorry I did! I swear to God I’ll walk it through the gates from now on!

Mediator: You bet your ass you will. Right. (addressing the oneway mirror) Got that, Gonzales? Now take him back through to holding. Let him cool his heels for a month or so before the trial.

Octavio Lollius Gonzales, Adjunct Sergeant Constable of Women’s Studies and Emeritus Armed Lecturer in Classical Mythology, Vice Division enters left, cuffs in hand.

Gonzales:

What cel+l?

Mediator:

He’s in 23B, with Psycho.

Gonzales: Gotcha.

Gonzales exits with Johnny in cuffs.

Exit Mediator.

Finis.

the plumber’s GALEF

15

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FAUCET 16 the plumber’s GALEF

Cleriwho's Who of the World of Math History An Extremely Brief Biographical Dictionary of Mathematical Clerihews

by Daniel Galef Due to the slightly obscure or at least out-of fashion nature of Clerihews, maybe a brief explanation is in order. Clerihews are a form of light verse invented and popularized by E. C. Bentley. They are humourous biographical poems, describing famous or notable figures in an absurd or surreal light. A Clerihew has four lines, rhyming AABB, the first line is the name of the subject, and more fun comes from irregular or oddly long line lengths and awkwardly forced rhymes. Here are some clerihews about some significant figures in mathematics who I’m sure would be very proud to be lampooned by the Faucet.

Pythagoras Thought he would stagger us By threatening violent action If someone said there’s a number that isn’t a fraction.

Archimedes Was deaf to entreaties, Running nude across town To submerge a crown.

Archimedes Was deaf to entreaties, And got quite perturbed When his circles were disturbed.

Renee Descartes And a Paris tart Got down on all fours, Putting Descartes before the whores.

Pierre de Fermat Lived like a hermit, And was too aloof About his famous proof.

Blaise Pascal: What a rascal!

There was no one shrewder or sager; He’s in heaven now, I’ll wager.

Sir Isaac Newton Wasn’t known for straight shootin’.

He treated alchemical depravity With gravity.

Gottfried Leibniz Fed pigeons rye bits.

He also let doves, crows, and wrens nibble, As he found them indifferentiable.

Muhammad ibn Musa al-Khwarizmi Said, “Woe is me!

I might as well be a lump of wood, or a piece of stone, For, despite inventing algebra, I’m still an unknown!”

Fibonacci, While playing bocce, Noticed numbers’ habits Of multiplying like rabbits.

Galileo Galilei Found that he may Discover whether A stone falls faster than a feather.

Leonhard Euler Thought e was a bit of a spoiler, For, try as he might, Its slope was its height. x

the plumber’s GALEF FAUCET The Marquis de Laplace Ran around topless,

By Napoleon reformed, And cried ‘I’m transformed!’

17

Georg Cantor Never said shan’t or Won’t; affinity to him was infinity.

Carl Friedrich Gauss Was as quiet as a mouse, So his choice of Sigma Is still an enigma.

Charles Babbage Charted the price of cabbage, Stupefying mystics With his command of statistics.

C. A. Waldo Saw an error and called ‘O!’; He thwarted E. J. Goodwin, So that reason over ignorance would win.

Albert Einstein Revolutionized the timeline, And loved refutin’ Isaac Newton.

His partner, Ada Crunched the data, Computing the norm In the purest form.

Paul Erdős Was rather scared-ish That he wouldn’t get a bean Without methamphetamine.

Bernhard Riemann Was told he was dreamin’ When he said he could divide decimals Into infinitesimals.

Martin Gardner Said ‘Howdy, pardner!

There’s a new sheriff in town, and he’s takin’ names; Now how about some Mathematical Games?’

John Venn Was ecstatic when He set himself apart With a little chart.

Richard Feynman Was no lineman, But got more gals Than most of his pals.

Tom Lehrer Struck blind terror Into pop song fanatics By knowing mathematics.

+ - x / ^ i

John Nash Cut a dash Seeing spies In red neckties.

Lewis Carroll Shipped a barrel Of texts on integration To the Queen of his nation.

Andrew Wiles Was all smiles Deciding to charge in And find what wasn’t in that margin.

GALEF 18 the plumber’s FAUCET

Ivy-Covered Professors in Ivy-Covered Halls

(Thanks Tom!)

by Daniel Galef

Labyrinthine tunnels, castle-like architecture, and obscure, blocked-off passageways and secret rooms are relatively common knowledge at this Campus of Campi. Every two-bit U1 and Economics major has been introduced to the perfect, stone-for-stone reproduction of Remington House and the catacombs under Moyse.

Every janitor and even some of the adjunct profs know about the Drunken Room and the Mazes of the Night that connect Bronfman with the Montreal subterranean shopping centers. Most students who bothered to attend the orientation session can locate blindfolded the Temple to All-Knowing James McGill beneath Burnside Hall, the triple-spiral stair that ascends the Tower of Light that only graduates may climb, and the secret bunker and missile silos under Mount Royal. Everyone is already familiar with these. This column (ionic, naturally, and definitely so if it’s constructed of marble) attempts to bring to light certain other, more obscure trivia and interesting details regarding our own little postage stamp of native soil that is the Downtown Campus of McGill University.

Here then are some of the lesser-known buildings and halls on campus:

Great Hall:

Housing the department of medieval studies, this stone structure has the unique distinction of being the only building on campus with a moat and drawbridge.

Monte Hall: With the popularization of the previously arcane and obscure subject of mathematics, the department has experienced a dramatic increase in both funds and enrollment.

To match this rise in the need for space and resources, Monte Hall was built to house the excess classrooms and offices of the new faculty. It takes the form of a pair of square towers with two level, intersecting skyways stretched between them each from the third to the sixth floor, with open-air walkways.

Parthenon Hall:

The building constructed to take on the expanding department of classical studies, Parthenon Hall is a perfect, scale replica of the Nashville, Tennessee Parthenon.

the plumber’s FAUCET GALEF

Hector Hall:

19

Bryant Hall:

One of the tallest buildings on campus, the bulk of the psychiatry and analytic psychology departments may be found in this buttressed tower topped by a bulbous onion dome. Due to an amusing incident involving the percussion section of the symphony orchestra en route from a particularly bibulous gig, this thick shaft is also nicknamed “The Cymbal.”

Macdonald-Redpath Building / Redpath Library Building / Macdonald Library Not to be confused with similarly-named buildings on campus, the Macdonald-Redpath Building, also known as the Redpath Library Building, which houses the Macdonald Library, was named, as were several university buildings, after major donors. It is distinct from the Macdonald Library Building, also known as the Macdonald Physics Building (though physics is primarily taught in the Macdonald Engineering Building), which houses the Schulich Library (as distinct from the Schulich School of Music), as it is from the Redpath Library, housed in the McLennan Library Building and Redpath Hall (not to be confused with the other Redpath Hall or the Redpath Museum, also known as the “Smithsonian”). It is unrelated (but connected via underground tunnel) to the Redpath-Macdonald Library, which is housed in the Redpath-Stewart (Macdonald-Leacock) Library Building, also known as the Harrington Building or the Stewart Building (redux). Though a distinct physical structure, the building is an architectural continuation of the Oedipa Maass Chemistry Building (the McConnell Library Building, located equidistantly in between the McConnell Engineering Building and McConnell Hall, which houses the McLennan Library). Clarifying and disambiguating maps may be found in the lobby, accessible through the Dawson Building (between Arts and Moyse, but not Dawson Hall or the Dawson Adams Building).

Yep, this one isn’t ours. We just stole it. To be fair, we really needed the space.

Teal Hall:

The topology annex of the department of mathematics takes the form of the three-dimensional net of a four-dimensional hypercube or tesseract. Built in 1941 as the first new construction on the east campus, Teal Hall was the first university building to be built employing the use of wormholes.

20 the plumber’s GALEF How to Win Your Very Own Wooden Spoon: A Comprehensive Practice Impractical Mathematics Examination from Your Friends at the Faucet

Examiner: Daniel Galef

Name: ID: Credit Card #: Condom Size (S/M/L/XL):

Instructions: As Exams approacheth and encroacheth, it is important to prepare with the aid of challenging practice tests to check your ability, determine your retention/recall, and guage your knowledge on the particulars of (depending on your field or discipline [should you have any], be it ecology, musicology, phys. ed., biology, poli. sci., or arts) the Nitrogen Cycle, the Ring Cycle, the Exercycle1, the Krebs Cycle, the Election Cycle, and the Rinse Cycle.

Without further ado, ah, todo, ah, skidoo, the Order of Pythagoras (QC Chapter) proudly (pasts, futures, and) presents the following mathematical aptitude test, number five in a growing (geometrically) series that we sincerely hope will eventually branch out (binarily) to cover all (vector) fields and disciplines.

Note (B flat): The questions listed below are adapted from the discontinued (and discontinuous) McGill lecture courses MATH 139 (“Mathematics for Poets”), MATH 167 (“Poetry for Mathematicians”), and MATH 193 (“Mathematics for Dummies, the Numerically Challenged, and Illiterate Two-Year-Old Children”). Answers will be provided in the upcoming issue of the McGill Daily.

Exam begins on next page: Seriously, sedentary study encourages mens sana but the corpore begins to look as if it’s never even been in a mens sauna, steam room, or gymnasium at all.

1

the plumber’s GALEF

21

You have -i3 minutes to complete this exam. When completed, email the solution to faucet@mcgilleus.ca 1. Write a vector equation in terms of time in the

form: “r(t) = < x(t), y(t)>” or “r(t) = x(t)î + y(t)j^” or a parametric equation in the form: “x = x(t); y = y(t)” for the motion in time of the tip of a train moving at a constant speed, u, in either direction along a track in the shape of “y = sin(x).”

the wolf, it will be eaten, how much land is available to each sheep? To both?

18. Elsewhere on this same field, a goat is tethered

2. Prove, through any method, that 1 = 2.

to a point on the outer edge of a circular fence of radius r. The tether’s length is equal to twice 1 times π. Assuming that it can’t enter the fenced area, how much land is available to the goat?

4.

20.

Find the floor area of the cottonhouse in the opening chapter of William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying; assume that the path hugs the house and that the characters move with identical, constant speed; prove your answer; give units.

5. Solve the following expression for “?”:

“¼ × (?2) = b2.”

Express in iambic pentameter and cite.

6. State your position on Swift’s Endian Problem and explain the reasoning behind your judgement.

7. On an infinite quadrille grid of ideal one-ohm re-

sistors, what is the equivalent resistance between two nodes that are one knight’s move from each other.

13. Write the value of pi to as many decimal places

as you can.

15. The cube roots of eight. All of them!

16. Write your Erdõs, Bacon, Erdõs-Bacon,

Bacon-Erdõs numbers.

17.

and

On an infinite field of grass is an invisible, right, isosceles triangle whose area is exactly one acre. Three posts precisely mark the midpoints of the triangle’s sides. Tethered to each post is an animal: a sheep to each post situated on a leg, a wolf to the post on the hypotenuse. Each animal’s tether is exactly long enough to allow them to reach either end of the side of the triangle on which the post to which they are tethered is located, and no longer. Assuming that, should either sheep stray into territory accessible to

From a helicopter hovering at a fixed point above the flat prairie, you use a reflected laser beam to determine three values, all representing the distance from your position to arbitrary points somewhere on the ground: a, b, anc c. You also record the angles, α, β, and γ, which represent the angle of rotation of each measurement, not the angle of elevation. In other words, the horizontal orientation of the beam as it measured (if you were facing a point on the horizon, how far was the beam to the right or left: behind you, three o’clock, etc.), not the vertical orientation (how far it was below the horizon). Finally, you know that the area of the circle that circumscribes the triangle formed by the far tips of the three laser beams; this area is equal to A. How high are you above the ground?

21. What was wrong with the last question?

22. You have two groups of coins, all similar

enough that you cannot, without using tools, tell any one from any other, in either group. The first group contains nine coins, eight of which are identical, one of which is ever so slightly denser. The second group contains twelve coins, eleven of which are identical, one of which is slightly more or less dense, but you are unaware whether the coin that is different is more or less dense. You have a balance of the sort that allows two quantities to be weighed against each other, but you can only use the balance five times. How do you determine which two coins are unlike all the others in their group, and how they differ?

FAUCET 22 the plumber’s GALEF

39. Using Scarecrow’s Theorem, determine all pos23. Describe the perfect murder. Be detailed. sible values for the length of a side of an isosceles 24. Who owns the zebra; who drinks water? triangle whose other sides have lengths of nine and 25. Present and argue cases for three alternate an- four. Then give two real answers. swers to the Sphinx’s Riddle.

40. Without writing out the Fibonacci sequence in base forty until you have used each digit at least 26. Your favorite number. once, including zero, determine to how many itera27. Your least favorite number. tions the series must go before each would be used.

28. What is the average airspeed-velocity of an un- 41. Argue every side to answer the question: laden European sparrow?

30. Which of these questions (up to and including

this one) actually require any math to be done?

31. Write an equation in the general form for a se-

ries of strings where string0 = { 0, a0, b0, c0, . . . x0, y0, z0, 1 }, in which a0 through z0 are random numbers between zero and one, ordered from least to greatest, and string1 = { 0, b0/2, (a0 + c0)/2, (b0 + d0)/2, . . . (w0 + y0)/2, (x0 + z0)/2, (y0 + 1)/2 }, so that, in each new iteration, the value in string of an arbitrary term kn is equal to the mean of j(n-1) and l(n-1). Prove that, as n approaches infinity, the value of an arbitrary term kn approaches 11/27 (this is an example; do not assume that there are twenty-six variable terms; letters were used in the example for convenience; k is being used as an example; prove that, as n approaches infinity, the value of any term approaches that it would have if all terms were equally distributed between zero and one).

32. Prove the Identity Theorem.

33. Draw something.

34. Why are you taking this exam? One paragraph.

“Which is heavier: a pound of feathers or a pound of gold?”

42. What have you just lost?

44. Write pi backwards.

45. Prove or disprove by counterexample (an ex-

ample of a counter may be found at Gert’s) the following:

46.

What’s 2 + 2? Assume the problem is written in decimal. In duodecimal. In hexadecimal. In octonary. In binary?

47. Relate your favourite math joke. Don’t butcher

it!

48. Now butcher it.

Sponsored by:

Nabisco® brand Fig Newtons Bahlsen® brand Choco Leibniz Alef-Null® brand Caramel Cantors

Grammar and penmanship count.

37. Were you to answer this question randomly, what is the chance that you would be correct?

A. 25 % B. 50 % C. 0 % D. 25 % 38. Continue the following pattern and find the twelfth term: { A, 1A, 111A, 311A, 13211A, . . . . }. Is it possible to write an expression for the nth term?

The Plumber’s Galef ends here. The Plumber’s Faucet resumes on the next page. Feel free to remove the Galef.

GALEF the plumber’s FAUCET

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This publication is known for journalistic integrity. According to that guy who wasn’t paying attention at the SSMU awards, the Faucet won Publication of the year in 2013. Had we been headquartered in the US, our organization would have undoubtedly won multiple Pulitzer prizes by now. Our motto is inspired by the New York Times: “All which is just fit enough to print”.

Cette publicité est knowné pour l’intégrité journalière. Selon Guy, qui n’a pas été attentif aux awards UMSS, le robinet a remporté la publicité de l’année en 2013. Avons nous été basées aux États-Unis, notre organisation aurait sans doute remporté multiples Pulitzer prix maintenant. Notre devise est inspirée par le temps de Nouveau York: “tout ce qui est juste adapté suffisamment pour imprimer”. * *Cette traduction est une gracieuseté de l’équipe du candidat péquiste de Laurier-Dorion.

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24 the plumberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s FAUCET

The Count

by Justin Turcotte

the plumber’s FAUCET

25

Big Clubhouse, Big Troubles

by Rocky Mountain Runaway

*By the way, these are real quotes from Facebook and campus news sources. Thought we’d clarify, because Faucet.

Both the current and new executive teams have lots on their plate as they go through this transition period. Firstly, they need to unanimously agree who is to blame for this Shatner building fiasco. Joey Shea, the current VP University Affairs, thinks, “we didn’t make it clear enough to students how necessary this fee was, which was obviously the fault of myself and Katie Larson”.

On the other hand, Larson thought it was the fault of the students. “People clearly didn’t read the context of the question,” she said. “They don’t understand that we had to pass it because we now have to pay that much more money and we don’t have that money coming in.”

A narrow 53.6% of students voted against the first part of the University Centre Building Fee and 60.8% against the second part, even though Larson and her team said it was the most important referendum questions in years. Despite its significance, there was no “Yes” committee, no shameless Facebook spamming, and surprisingly no text message soliciting.

“Student involvement is a twoway street,” said Larson. “Could we have run a yes campaign?

Of course. But at the end of the

day, I shouldn’t have to explain to students why they should find something important. [...]

It’s not just my fault, it’s not just the Executive’s fault – it’s everybody’s fault.”

With that logic, why did SSMU candidates put in so much effort during the campaign period? I was bombarded with Facebook event invites, friends endorsing candidates by changing their profile pictures, and the petty games of king-of-the-chalkboard in the lecture halls.

How do you think Katie Larson got elected? I guess she sat around and assumed people knew her platform was important.

But back to how this is all the students’ fault. SSMU has taken it upon themselves to disregard all facets of democracy and reask this referendum question till they get the result they want.

The executives have also taken to social media to propagandize this issue. Shea wrote: “The SSMU Building, along with all 350 clubs and services, including such essential services as the Sexual Assault Centre and the Emergency Response Team and Gerts, will not be

operating next year. Thank you for voting NO to the building fee; I hope you all have enjoy looking at an empty, decrepit building next year as you wallow in sobriety become wholly at the whim of the institution from which the SSMU so earnestly tried to protect you from.”

A few inaccuracies. First, MSERT and SACOMSS cannot shut down because they are funded through independent fee levies. All students pay these fees and these services get to keep all the separate funds. SSMU isn’t allowed to allocate a cent of this money. Second, Gerts makes a profit so SSMU would definitely not close down a revenue generating space.

When the next vote comes out, SSMU might as well convenience everyone and just include one option. Maybe we could see a 104% turnout rate next election too.

26 the plumber’s FAUCET

President-Elect Disqualified to Benefit of Axe-Murderer

by Liquid Giggles In a stunning reversal of fortunes, Butch Eremal has become President-Elect of the Student’s Society of Leacock University, SSLU. The announcement comes less than a week after his opponent, Mr. Lewis Plombo, was elected President of the SSLU with voter support of 99.2%, vs Mr. Eremal’s 0.8% support. Elections SSLU (ESSLU) overturned Plombo’s presidency for vaguely specified campaign violations, which cannot be revealed because ESSLU officials did not take very good notes when evaluating evidence. Insiders suggest the disqualification of Mr. Plombo stemmed from private Facebook messages to voters apologizing for not taking a tough enough stand on reptile equality.

With Mr. Plombo disqualified, Mr. Eremel becomes SSLU President according to Section 6.9 of the ESSLU bylaws:

“6.9. If major campaign violations are established after the election of a candidate, that candidate is to be disqualified and the runner-up is to take the disqualified candidate’s position, as well as his parking space, dog, and one kidney.”

The bylaws make it very clear that Mr. Eremal will be the next SSLU President.

Mr. Eremal ran a very unsuccessful campaign in the weeks prior to the election. Political science students claim that it was because his platform focused on specifics rather than broad ideas, and because he did not take a tough enough stand on the student lease fiasco. However, engineering students claim that his campaign faltered when it was revealed that Mr. Eremal is a convicted axe murderer. Mr. Eremal ran on a campaign platform of, “Blood, Sweat, and Tears, and Blood”, and used the campaign slogan, “Never be Afraid to Axe”.

Despite an unsuccessful campaign, Butch Eremal has found himself victorious. His campaign team, composed of individuals from the study-from-prison program, have expressed their happiness that Mr. Eremal has won his position, even though he only received their 7 votes to make up his 0.8%.

He sure knows how to behead of state There are complaints from students around campus that they would have voted “no” for Mr. Eremal had Mr. Plombo been disqualified prior to voting.

However, there have been no serious protests, as most students are busy with exams.

Mr. Eremal has welcomed the deposition of his opponent, and is already taking steps as the next SSLU President. He has made several orders from Home Depot, and has hired a full-time sharpener for the SSLU Building. He has also destroyed all bridges leading away from the small island that Leacock University is located on, scuttled all boats, and cut all lines of communication with the outside world. Also, a thunderstorm just started.

“I cannot express an opinion with regards to what I think of Mr. Eremal’s platform,” says ESSLU coordinator Bobby McWeasly, “But the voters can be assured that this is the fairest and most democratic solution possible under the circumstances”.

the plumber’s FAUCET

Polar Vortex

by Hadi Sayar

I had originally planned to write this article in January, when it seemed like the weather was “unusually” cold. Back then, people all over Montreal were saying, “it’s the coldest month of my life” or “take that global warming”; writing an article about the “Polar Vortex” just made sense. Upon further introspection, I changed my mind. EVERYBODY was talking about it and, by the time February rolled around, we were aimlessly beating a dead horse. But sometimes, the horse comes back to life.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it was the month of March.

The broomball season is over. Annie’s Boobs were victorious in their conquest. No ice remained on the battlefield. For a full two days, we enjoyed some much needed sunshine and warmth. After a long dark winter, it was a welcome respite. But then it snowed again. Like an unwanted guest, winter just kept coming back. It wouldn’t leave us well enough alone. I had to dig 3 cars out 4 times over the last couple of months. Granted I could use the exercise but I can only see snow so many times before lighting a bonfire in my house seems like a good idea. At the time of writing, it is March 31st and it is forecast to snow some more today.

And so we arrive at the all-important question: who the hell called it the Polar Vortex? I propose we rectify this situation and come up with a new name for this freak weather. Considering that it keeps coming back at the most inopportune times; considering that we apply solutions and salts to relieve the pain of having it around; considering that it requires effort to clear out and clean; and considering that it is a painful time of the year; I motion to rename the Polar Vortex: the “Cold Sore”. All in favor?

27

Political Shake-Up as New SSMU Club President Declared after Invalidated Election Results

by Rocky Mountain Runaway 78 votes and metric shit-tonne of complaints decided the winner of the recent SSMU Club elections.

Franky Bisthmus originally won with 29.8% of the vote, but controversial campaign violations against him have deemed Jessica Lumbarsup the new president.

Franky’s platform consisted of increased communication, sustainability, accountability, financial aid, and employment. He aimed to improve the current email system that led to the infamous Obama .gif scandal.

Franky has complained of some minor inconveniences, such as having to delete ‘What’s New McGill’ in two languages. Instead, he wants to implement a system that sends non-pertinent information directly to your cell phone. This would range from the weekly Listserv to his campaign for 2015 SSMU President.

Some of his other visions included more workstudy positions and better internships throughout campus. Unfortunately, he would be without the help of Mary Bisonfruit, VP Clubs and Services runner-up.

Harry, with only 43.9% of the vote compared to winner Rudolph Nikonbeer’s 56.1%, promised jobs and positions in exchange for support of her campaign.

After her censure hearing, Mary tried to clear up her confusions. She admitted to mimicking campaign slogans from popular politicians, mainly the creating “Jobs” slogan. Mary thought she literally created jobs for her campaign team.

Nikonbeer, the incumbent VP Clubs and services, was happy to get re-elected, but has pressing issues to deal with; the SSMU building referendum ordeal but also the viral 2048 game.

“I feel good, I can finally go back to work now which feels really good,” Nikonbeer said as he lined up his 1024 block, adding, “The fact that the building fee didn’t pass is something that I’ll have to deal with next year.”

28 the plumber’s FAUCET

Tribaholic Strikes Back by: Tribaholic

There is a smell coming from somewhere on my body.

How can I identify and get rid of it?

- The “Smellephant” Hey Smellephant! Glad to see my nickname stuck. But now dear reader, I would like you to come with me on a tangy trip, an emanation expedition, a veritable emanation excursion! So swallow what you just threw up into your mouth and join me! We will first be stopping by the feet. Long the purview of podophiles and Dr. Scholls, out first culprit is here. Whether it is those air-tight winter boots, the rotting onion on your kitchen floor, or rapidly progressing gangrene, our first culprit may be here. If it smells like your toe hairs have been dipped in week-old gruyere and then covered in vinegar, this is the most likely culprit. As we move up, we will skip the less effluvistic charms of the knees and thighs (slightly damp cat hair), and move to that most pungent of pelvic perfumes. Now somebody once told me, “you know, Tribaholic, different genders smell different”. And to that I say “Bah!” I have always been of the opinion I have as much right to smell like a bouquet of jasmine in a Malaysian fish market as

any person. This is excretion equality! The smell of the pickled pelvis can be a veritable crotchal cacophony, as that sultry smegma scent sublimely superimposes on the savoury stench of secret shower seepage. But if your saucer headed swamp shaft or hairy honey donut happens to be the refuge of your redolence, I sense that you would not be asking me this question, and so we shall move into that most taut of taint terminals, the turd-trimmer. This axis of amusement generally smells like roses, if you think that roses smell like rotting cheese covered cabbage or a diaper full of Indian food.

Okay guys, full disclosure. I wrote all of this. It took me a really long time, and really disgusted me, so for all our sakes I’m stopping now. Apologies, but there isn’t really anything you can make me do to keep writing this disgusting heap of syllables.

As for getting rid of it? Just goddamn shower dude. It ain’t that hard. Use a loofa. Put on some Toto, jam out in the shower. But please, for the sake of everyone else in class, just deal with it.

Student Voting Troubles Not Limited to McGill

by Set Phasers to Pun Unless you have been hiding under a rock, by now you are aware of the impending Quebec election and the huge controversy surrounding voter registration. Exercising the constitutional right to vote has been impeded for a large portion of the population, simply because they happen to be students. Students from McGill have been unfairly targeted due to their predisposition towards speaking English, but new reports show that many more universities have had even more problems.

Students from The University of Alberta also report an alarming trend in the number of voters that successfully register to vote in Quebec. In a rather blatant gesture of favouritism, there isn’t a single Quebec voter registration office in nine out of ten provinces. When Jack Kauff drove 12 hours from New Brunswick, the first question he was asked was, “Are you a Student?” “I just felt like they didn’t want me to be voting,” said the eighth grader. Is this Marois trying to ensure that only French Quebecois vote in the election? More as this story develops.

the plumber’s FAUCET

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Clearing Customs into the Real World

by Brigid Cami Ah, graduation. A magical time for all involved. After four years (or five, or six, or seven) of torques on shafts and Bernoulli on that baseball, at last I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it is questionable whether the light is indeed a light or whether it is instead the beacon of a quarter life crisis, but that’s a story for another time. For the moment I would like to focus on the campus graduation traditions that serve to remind us, like a slap in the face, that we are on a fast track to the real world - and everything that’s irksome about them.

It all began in the fall, when grad photo reminder notifications first began to peek their heads out in the Pipeline. They wreaked havoc and alarmed the populace that “spots are filling up!” Of course I didn’t get the memo until January of the following semester, but I managed to get my photos captured and sealed. I was late for my 11:58 AM timeslot and had to run up to the SSMU Building from the Peel metro on Maisonneuve. Needless to say, despite the “discreet” touches of powder the photographer layered on my face to mop up the sweat, it did not stop me from looking like a strawberry in a gown in every single shot. And speaking of the photographer, he certainly seemed like a pro with his “a little left,” “chin down,” and “turn this way.” What a diverse myriad of shots, I thought.

They wound up looking like a stop motion flip book of the turning of

my head. Ten shots of a pleasantly surprised tilted head face.

can’t deny that the ring hasn’t left my finger since that day.

Next on the agenda was the Iron Ring ceremony. Yes, yes it’s secret and sacred and we must not speak of it. Let’s just say we were told to “sit within the chains” and we chanted “amen” half a dozen times.

It’s funny because it sounds like I’m kidding. All that was missing was a firepit and a sacrifice. I won’t delve further into the secret ceremony but I reckon I can talk about the way the rings were presented. You’d expect that each student would be called up to take the stage one by one. Instead, a string of engineers lined up before the stage and we ran up to anyone we could find like loose cattle. Of course, the alternative would be a four hour ceremony so I’m not fully decided on this matter. Despite my complaining, I

Then there’s the Plumber’s Ball.

What a rich history the Ball has.

Been around since 1924, I’ve heard!

A final night for all graduating students. A university prom, if you will. And yet the tickets are a third of my rent. One hundred dollars? I hate to go all Daily up in here, but I’m gonna have to pull the equity card. I hear it was a blast.

Of course, despite these irksome duties, graduation is a time of winds a-changin’. Fear and excitement and nostalgia are all mixed up into a healthy emotional batter, just in time for exams. Take advantage of your time here young ones. I hope to return next year as a correspondent from the other side. Adieu.

Typical Iron Ring Ceremony

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Quebec Election Stolen by Onatian Voters

by Liquid Giggles Pauline Marois’ Parti Quebecois was defeated in the polls on Monday, as the Ontarian Imperialist Coalition (OIC) ran away with a majority government.

The OIC ran on a platform of Anglicization and making Quebec the “obedient servant of Canada”.

The OIC was sitting very low in official polls right up until election day, and analysts are still trying to determine what happened. However, and OIC insider has given the Faucet a rundown of exactly how they managed to steal the election.

Apparently, Monday’s results were influenced by the struggles of McGill’s out-of-province students, who had been insisting on the right to vote. They argued that a Quebec lease, with associated billing, should be enough to ascertain eligibility, even if they have no Quebec government ID.

Ontarians were able to vote in the election and gain a majority government.

The OIQ has since declared English as the official language of Quebec, and poutine has been outlawed.

Also, the Habs are now being mandated to throw their game whenever matched against the Leafs (the Habs were thinking of doing this anyway, out of pity).

Eighteen year olds are rioting everywhere, as the drinking age has been raised. Other inhabitants are passively taking in the turn of events and not doing anything exciting, indicating that they are slowly turning into Ontarians.

When the complaints were upheld, OIC quickly formed an unbeatable election strategy. They started by buying up small plots of land in ridings throughout Quebec, which they would subsequently divide into over 50 000+ subplots. These plots were leased to devious Ontarians, who all grudgingly paid Hydro Quebec’s new-customer fees so that they could get a bill with their Quebec address. As a result, these

We know you’re wet and lonely 3-Bares.

We’ll come soon and fill you up!

OAP Lite 2014 April 24th and 25th

100% of profits go to President’s Choice Children’s Charity This has been an unofficial ad and public service announcement.

the plumber’s FAUCET

So long, and thanks for all the fish, What you hold in your hand is the last issue of the Plumber’s Faucet that I will produce as Editor. If you are reading this online, or someone else is holding the paper, shut up, because you’re spoiling the moment. I have had a long run with my favorite publication. I published my first ramblings-turned-articles during my second year, and have had the fortune of being the editor for two great years.

For me, the Faucet has been about two things.

The first is an escape from a world that takes itself too seriously. No matter how crazy or stressful things get, I love being able to point out the absurdity of life, and how it makes it worth living. Whether this be shooting down ideas that seem to make less and less sense, or just appealing to my inner child.

The second is a very close circle of friends that I have seen grow during my time here.

Our meetings are at a bar. We like it that way. No politics, no formalities - just beer, and occasional sangria. Everyone I have had the fortune of working with has brought something unique. From the individual style of their drawings or articles, to the wise crack when we try to settle the tab, I have been consistently impressed by all of them.

If you have no idea who the hell I am or why I’m blabbering on, it’s because I know that I’m going to miss all of this. I hope everyone reading this can be as lucky as I was in finding something that they truly care about. It could be a publication, a club, or even just something that you always thought about doing, but were too scared of making a fool of yourself. Go be foolish. It might be the best thing you have ever done.

Thank you for reading,

-Daniel Dicaire

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