The BIG Issue

The Plumber’s

Faucet

The BIG Issue

VOLUME XXXI ISSUE XII april 23rd, 2015

Part 1

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Malcolm McClintock

Editors

David Bailey Katharine Callahan Arman Izadi

Writers

Liam Duff-Meadwell Emmet Austin Daniel Galef Heydar Ensha David Bailey Ian Richardson Robert Forestell Jacob Garrah Rachelle Mouere Chris Sarlos Scott Conrad

Daniel Galef Liam Duff-Meadwell

Selin Genç Jasmin De Campos Dan Dicaire Morgan Mattone Eddy Sayar Michael Kratsios Anita Hagh Martin Aralov Neil DenToom James Austin Jessica Ferkul

Illustrators

Vitamin J (cover) MILO Malcolm McClintock Matt Wolf

Support

Ashkaan Mohtashami

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 31 no. 12

Thursday, April 23rd, 2015

ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

They all said it couldn’t be done. “No way” they said, “Who likes reading”. Well we showed them all right. We’ve made the largest Faucet in history to compensate for our small... penis? No matter, this final issue has content out the wazoo, all for your pleasure during these last stressful weeks. An entire school year has come and gone, U1’s become U2’s, U2’s become concordia students, and room is made for another generation of starry-eyed martlets. Soon enough, you’re going to be that rambling elder in their mid-twenties talking about back in when people almost tried to care for the SSMU election. Time isn’t slowing down anytime soon, so make the most of it (I’m looking at you OAP liters).

The Plumber’s Faucet has gone through a few changes this semester, but if this 64 page monstrosity (split in two parts, you simply couldn’t handle it all at once) isn’t a testament to our continued insanity, I don’t know what is. Fauceteers have put in endless hours; all nighters for comedy, rather than that exam that’s in two hours. If you find yourself yearning to spend time making sexual innuendos and crude drawings, you know where to find us. From poetry to clickbait to erotica galore, you’re sure to find an article that suits your tastes somewhere in this rabble. In this issue you’ll find a compendium of facial hair and what it says about you, a history of McGill engineering, deatiled look at the life and times of a triggered, and much, MUCH more.

OAP Lite has arrived, and for those of you enjoying your beer by the Three Bares, pour one out for that homie stuck a final.The sweet taste of Sapporo and smell of barbeque in the springtime can only mean the end of a generation. We’re saying goodbye to two dedicated Fauceteers and past editors, Liquid Giggles and Red Light Do Right.

They’ve collectively contributed over one hundred articles to the Faucet; if you see them, give ‘em a beer, then smack them across the face for some unspoken transgression they’re sure to have caused at some point across their decades here.

It is with great fondness that I must say goodbye to you faceless fans and drunken illiterates; make the best of your Summer, and get ready for a killer 2016.

Malcolm Mc clintock

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015

OAPorno

by Over Sideways and Udder & Beauty and the Blackout April 24th.

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Warning:

This is low-budget erotica. Highbudget erotica would have been written under the influence of way more booze.

quarters of MC120. Maybe...just maybe, there is still hope for this night.

“Get the fuck up Udder Blackout, they’re emptying the park.”

I look up and gaze into her eyes. They eagerly peruse every centimeter (or inch for the Americans) of my body. I can feel it -- that chemistry that has been missing from my life for far too long. I can no longer restrain myself -- it is time to let the beast out of its cage.

Like a liger, I pounce upon my prey. We tumble down -- I hear Cumdae whisper “...Timber...” Like Nala and Simba in that one movie, we are intertwined, with only our clothes keeping us from sweet, sweet ecstasy.

We finish tumbling. I look down and gaze into her eyes. “Swiggity swoogity, I’m coming in for that boobity.”

My right hand grasps her figure, but before my left hand can trace her curves, a flash of light from a flashlight blinds us.

“Damn it guys, every time!” yells Showers, the long-awaited replacement to MAME Emperor graduated by now?” I wonder.

A shadow approaches in the Tribaholic. As she moves towards An eruption of laughter booms distance. Could it be? Have my us to separate us from our nearfrom the rear of the volunteer tent. quiet prayers finally been answered holy matrimony, I look up and gaze into her lovely, captivating, “I guess not.” I cry a little inside. after-No. magnificent blue eyes.

Until I remember his supple It’s Cumdae, the cutest MAME “There’s room for one more,” I flesh… president ever to grace the say with a conniving smile.

“What beer would you like?”

A brisk Friday afternoon.

I am snapped away from the I walk to OAP, towards the start of my recurring tantalizing clamour of joyful students. fantasy. I look up and gaze into the I cringe.

Why am I here? What am I server’s eyes, boring deep into his soul. looking for?

“What goes best with the I don’t know. remnants of a broken spirit?”

I approach the entrance -- I A pause. He blinks. “Sapporo?” cannot help but notice the mustard I nod. stains on the security guard’s chest.

“Bringing anything in with you 4 beers and 7 burgers later, I sit ma’am?” he asks. alone atop my isolated hill, Busty I look up, and gaze into his eyes. and the Bass playing casually in “Does a broken heart count?” the background. I cannot get the He shakes his head and stares image of Giggles’ curly locks out at me as I walk in. But he too of my head. I smile -- the curtains would feel this way after swiping matched the drapes oh so well. on Tinder for a week without any Visions of creamy thighs float matches. through my mind…

Is this what they call… thirst?

I buy my tickets and wait in line for beer. The gleeful murmurings Another 5 beers pass by. of the crowd that once instilled “Closing Time” has long since within me such a passion for life no played, and I still sit alone atop my longer satisfy -- I hunger for more. grassy green grass. The volunteers “I’ve lived a rough tough are gone, the managers are having life…” I hear the words of a joke their last meeting of the day, and I’ve heard twelve too many times. I sit, unable to quench the wet “Hasn’t Liquid Giggles longing between my thighs.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

“HOW ABOUT ROOM FOR 14 MORE?” yell the OAP managers in perfect unison.

I look down at Cumdae and gaze into her eyes, because consent is sexy. She looks back, grins and says, “Keep ‘em comin’, baby.” The fire in my loins burns ever hotter. The OAP managers start coming closer. And I cannot wait for more.

What came next was a heaving amalgam of naked sweaty bodies.

Twats a’ twitching, tons of titties, knotted nipples, aching aging assholes, sixty-niners, french sucks, and unfortunately, one handjob that wasn’t worth a fuck.

We sweat, we quivered, we cried, and we cuddled. It was a night for the ages, and we made the 3 Bares proud.

Suddenly, it all made sense.

All I needed all along was to be engulfed in a nebulous orgasmic haze. We laid together after our trip around the world, stroking each other tenderly, and were one with life, the universe, and everything.

Another typical OAP.

What Does Your Choice of Living Accommodations Say about You?

by Liquid Giggles Big Group House (6+ people): You are either a party animal or the type who succumbs to peer pressure. Honestly, you think this was a good idea? You’ll be part of some cool parties, but, for the entire seven years of your degree, you will be fighting with the rest of the rabble for limited study space at McGill, because you sure as hell are not going to find any peace and quiet at home. And, even if your room is quiet, then your roommates will call you antisocial if you spend all your time in there.

Double: There was once a day when you thought you had found the ideal living arrangement. Your rent is a lot lower than if you were alone, but not much higher than if you were with three or more people.

You have a reasonable amount of privacy, and can be productive at home without being totally lonely.

There’s just one catch: You’ve developed pet peeves about your roommate that gnaw at your very

soul. Why does he whistle in the apartment? He’s too clean! He’s too dirty! Why won’t he put on a shirt? I think his food in the fridge is expired. Holy crap, why do you get into the shower at the EXACT moment I wake up and really need to use the toilet?!

Small Group (3-5): Well look at you, the 3-5 musketeers. The rent is cheap, but you have a bit more peace and quiet than one of those large frat houses. Here’s the thing, though – instead of being the best of both worlds relative to double and large group homes, you actually get the worst of both worlds. Your apartment is big enough to host some awesome ragers and you are surrounded by multiple close friends, so your productivity is gone. And if you thought quarrelsome pairs of roommates in doubles were bad, you are now involved in full-scale wars. Watch the factions form as you unite against the dude not paying his rent. Talk shit about the roommate who spends all day in his room alone, playing poker

An EUS Publication

or studying or masturbating or something. Fight tooth and nail for fridge space. New from Sega: Apartment, Total War.

Private Residences (like evo or Varsity 515): You are not the adventurous type, and like to stay in. Your parents, who pay the rent, have lots of money and live far away from Montreal, which is why they don’t realize how high your rent is relative to everything else in the city. But even if they did, baby needs a clean and modern apartment, and shouldn’t have to deal with bedbugs or those big, bad, sketchy Montreal landlords. You probably should have gone to U of T.

Alone: Why do you insist on living alone, when your rent will probably drop 40% if you live with another person? Do you have no friends? Are you messy? Neurotically clean? Or maybe you are just depraved. Yup, that must it. You probably spend all day masturbating, and want to live alone so that you can have your “personal space.”

April 23rd, 2015

Real Life Chronicles

group that meets at a bar, and it allows me to judge people for If there’s one thing that I having different interests than me. didn’t anticipate about the real After you’ve established that world, it’s that meeting people is social core of people that share hard. Like, not the “I’m going to one minor interest with you, the have to google this many different next step is finding your one true ways” hard, or “I spent all my food love. Of course, I speak of Tinder. money on beer” hard. I mean the If you have never used Tinder, “damn, I met all of my coworkers it’s a magical place where people on the first day, and that’s about who are way out of your league it” kind of hard. Every day you share pictures and meet up to trudged your ass out of bed, have sex with people way more because you have school, or class, attractive than you. In amongst or Eweek to go to meant you spent the trolls, gym bros, ‘country girls’, time with other people who have prostitutes, and (apparently) similar interests and experiences happy couples on their wedding to you. Once that’s over, you have day, there is a chance that there is to meet people on your own. someone as desperate as you are.

On Purpose. Sure, there are the With any luck, they will even have little ways, like saying “hi” in the your preferred reproductive organs. elevator, stealing your neighbor’s I can go on at length about mail, or binoculars to get to know how enriching Tinder is, and lucky those around you, but these methods range from ineffective to for you, I will. For an app that holds indictable. I’m not sure if I’m lucky no pretexts of sophistication or or unlucky to live in the modern romance, it has its fair share of world. Everyone carries around a users who are “not into hook ups”. cellular telephone, that can allow Of course, it is refreshing to share crystal clear voice communication, bikini photos doing handstands in and high definition video chat, Barbados with strangers of your which we ignore in favour of little preferred gender, without being green blobs of text. On the other hand, there are a dearth of apps and websites that allow awkward people to meet even more awkward people.

by Set Phasers to Pun

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sexually suggestive. Of course, it isn’t all about that Yoga stretch pic you took on that school trip to Spain. Tinder offers you the chance to share your live story in a 300 character “bio”. This is obviously hidden for most of the app experience, but it’s there.

If that isn’t your jam, you can be one of those people whose only profile picture is a tree, and their bio quote is an emoji heart. Marry me? Regardless if you end up meeting people via the interwebs, or through the harrowing act of face to face conversation, you will eventually find someone around who likes the same beer, or the same music that you do. You will work up the courage to go do something weird downtown, and find a pub you really like.

Real life is a lot like leaving your home town to come to University.

The only difference is that your mistakes matter, and there’s no Frosh leaders to drag your drunk ass out of the street on thursday morning. Once you get over the fear of not knowing anyone, you will.

Content in this Issue

There’s meetup.com, where there is a group for everyone from single mothers under 25, to single mothers over 45. Of course I exaggerate. It also covers vegans, yoga lovers, vegan yoga lovers, and Dungeons & Dragons.

I actually quite like this app, both because it found a board games

Selfreferencing graphs which act as filler

Regular content

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Chinstrap Beard

I Mustache You a Question About Your Facial Hair CleanForShaven those

by Morgan Mattone

Clean Shaven

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to have (B)Abe Lincoln’s facial hair running over your lips? Unfortunately, his slave abolishing days are long behind us; so a few male engineers of the McGill community were asked what drove them to choose their style of facial hair or if it affected their love life in any way, along with some input from the receiving end.

Here is a detailed article describing the feels of different types of men’s facial hair:

The Beard Chin curtain

FU Man Chu

Nothing says “I have balls like a lion” than a full-grown beard. This includes all aspects to facial hair including sideburns and mustache. The testosterone levels are just so high that hair is coming out of every orifice of the face. Not only is this an insanely stylish way of wearing hair, the beard doubles as a self-fabricating balaclava.

Now as for getting up close and personal with one of these honeys, it is more of a love-hate relationship and only personal experience will tell, and depends on the man really. They can either produce a nice soft, voluptuous bush or straight, rough bristles.

Chin Curtain

Goatee

Most famously worn on the face of the 16th President of the United States, the chin curtain involves hair along the jawline and is long enough to deceivingly cover the shape of the jaw. For those men who fear their jaw falls slightly short to Hercules, this is the perfect style. The chin curtain is excellent for the ladies/ gentlemen who love going for upper lip action, and if they’re ready to charge into battle and won’t mind getting a bit raw can take a gander down to the lower lip.

Chinstrap Beard Toothbrush mustache

While the jockstrap is worn to support men genitalia in times of physical activity, the chinstrap does not support anything other than their ego. The thinner the strap, the douchedickier they are. This is also an ideal arrangement for some tongue-to-tongue action because there is no hair in the target area, unless you’s a freak.

An EUS Publication

who are further along in evolution and can’t produce as much hair as our cavemen ancestors, or like looking ten years younger than they should, this is the one. The clean-shaven is a high maintenance look, requiring to shave at least once a day, and yet very easy to style. No complaints here when getting your mojo on.

Fu Manchu

Named after the Chinese villain of a 90 yearold novel series, the Fu Manchu moustache is excellent for men getting in touch with their evil genius side. This style of hair is only connected at the base of the nostrils and cascades down at least two inches past the chin. It takes time and patience to produce, but once it has reached its final form, the ladies and gents will be dropping their panties at the wearer’s feet. Not advised for make out sessions unless the moustache is taped to the face, otherwise there will be an accurate reenactment of “Lady and the Tramp” with a moustache instead of a noodle.

Goatee

You’ll be screaming BAAAAA all the way to the petting zoo by the time this billy is through with you. The goatee, originally designed just to cover the chin, recently includes a moustache extending down the sides of the mouth and connecting with the hair of the chin. Dated back to the Greek god Pan, who was half goat half man, sported the chin goatee, much like how a goat has an extra tuft of hair protruding from their chins (what a coincidence!). If you have ever made out with a walrus, then this is the closest feeling to kissing a man with a goatee. Since the goatee is kept short, the just trimmed hairs are thick and sharp and unpleasant to move your lips over. With time, your mouth will build calluses to be impervious of harm from any type of facial hair!

Handlebar Moustache

This bike riding fiend likes it on top and likes to ride it rough, so don’t be afraid to hang on to those handlebars cause he’ll drive you into next week. Don’t hesitate to pull extra

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April 23rd, 2015

hard on them, those little squeals that will come out of his mouth are sounds of encouragement, and with the amount of wax that is needed for handlebar sculpting can withstand up to 300lbs of pressure! The handlebar moustache is perfectly curved parabolically up in a way that the vertex rests nicely above the lip area. The hairs are glued together leaving no chance of stache hair in the way.

Horseshoe Moustache

This six-time WWE World Heavyweight champion, motor biking hunk will pop wheelies in your dreams all night because you can’t stop thinking about his horseshoe moustache. This moustache receives its name from the little seahorse creatures of the ocean whose shoes are in the shape of an up-side-down U. The wearer of this moustache couldn’t give two shits if you like it or not because fuck you, just like a seahorse.

The Moustache

There is an entire month dedicated to this particular facial style. SpongeBob and Patrick sing a song about obtaining one of these kelpified beauties. Not only is it conveniently named the pornstache, The Moustache is the ultimate lady/ man-killer that takes fe/male ejaculation to a whole ‘nother level.

Mutton Chops

More commonly eaten in the Middle East and Europe, mutton chops come from sheep 3 years of age or older. They can be cooked in various ways including broiled, fried, or baked.

The color of a mutton chop is often darker than that of a lamb chop and has less tender flesh.

Due to this toughness, it is preferred by many to be cooked casserole-style.

Neckbeard

The name says it all; too lazy to buy a scarf and doesn’t like hair on the face but still wants to prove that they are a man with the potential to grow facial hair. And thus came about the neckbeard. When interacting with their partner, the neckbeard brushes up against the chest of the pursuer to insinuate that they are ready to mate. If it gets the job done, then hey, why not?

Pencil Moustache

Can you say “ped-oh shit I lost my nail file” ? Your everyday straight-as-a-circle ballet teacher whose butt is just a little too perfect and a bulge a little too big that you can’t tear your eyes away and is starting to make you a little hard so you run to the bathroom to quickly finish before the teacher can even say “Plié” is the ideal wearer of the pencil moustache. Being only half a centimeter thick, this type of facial hair rarely interferes in the sensations of embraceful acts.

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Moustache

horseshoe mustache

Sideburns

The thigh ticklers, these bad boys get their name from Ambrose Burnside, a Union Army general during the American Civil War who sported this look and became distinctively known because of them. “We Be Burnin’” a hit song by Sean Paul from 2005, was talking about wearing sideburns and about all the money they get because of their sideburns. In conclusion, sideburns are a profitable form of facial hair.

Handlebar Mustache

Soul Patch

They call it the landing strip of the north.

Much like North Korea, not many people like to land there. The soul patch doesn’t even really add to the face, again, just like North Korea doesn’t really add anything to the world, except for endless jokes about it’s ruler, much like the ruler of the soul patch. I guess what I’m trying to say is, the soul patch is North Korea.

Stubble

Mutton Chops

Pencil Mustache

I’m batman.

A few engineers were asked what they thought about facial hair and this is what they answered: Olivier Gomes (stubble): My sister complains but no formal girlfriend I ever had.

Justin Beaveridge (the beard): When the infamous orange-bearded Muffins was asked his thoughts on the matter he replied: “Facial hair is more then just a fashion statement, its part of a persona and for me, it has certainly helped me appear older and wiser and less of

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sideburns

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1 Stubble

NeckBeard

Chin curtain

the shithead I actually am. Now when it comes to the romantic side, I really feel as if it gives a lot more equality; instead of just getting the girl’s hair in my mouth, I’ve got bits of my whiskers floating around as well.”

Justin Asfour (the beard): “The full-beard is grown on my face because I find it suits me a lot more to have facial hair. I have a look that I am attempting to achieve and I’ve wanted to achieve it for the last few years but have always given up too early because of other people, mostly family. Now with regards to make outs, a full-beard makes it more fun for the ladies; for me it’s nothing different. I kiss the same way I always have.”

Neil DenToom (variation mutton chops and goatee): “Well, out of the people I have most recently kissed, particularly those on mountains at sunset, kissing has been pretty gross.. Don’t believe it’s beard related though.”

Emmet Austin (soul patch): Much like the soul has many different qualities so does the soulpatch as portrayed by Emmet Austin: “The Soul patch is like the Judas of facial hair. Distinguished enough to be acknowledge, but betrays the idea of facial hair by exposing so much of the face.”

“The ‘soul’ holder of this facial hair could not be reached for comments. He was too busy making out with other people.”

Beard

“The Soul patch is the ultimate tease. It shows the potential for what could be a full luscious beard/mustache combo, while acting as the banana hammock covering up the last little bit of the face. Intrigued, mystified, and eventually misunderstood, this is what draws so much hate to the soul patch.”

“I like it. Girls don’t seem to like as much it. But things always seem to work out, so I guess it helps filter out the shallow biddies.”

Soul Patch

Ashkaan Mohtashami (the beard): “I choose to grow my beard for many reasons.

1. It grows too fast to reasonably take care of it with this university lifestyle.

2. It looks great 3. I look like a child without it My love life has only improved since I started growing my beard out. Women truly appreciate beards. And if you find the rare one that doesn’t, she ain’t right for you anyway!

You need to find someone who will love the beard at short length, medium length, and absurdly long length. If she can tolerate those few moments where you need to shave entirely, all the better! Those are rare times.

Passport photos, job interviews, terrorist watch list photos, strolls through the Iraqi warzone, etc.”

Austin L’Ecuyer (clean shaven): “I keep it like this because I can’t grow anything. If I don’t shave after four or five days I just look dirty.”

Philip Hoddinott (clean shaven): “Clean shaven is the way to go. Most women prefer it, though some appreciate a little stubble. Personally I shave once a week. Oh you were talking about beards.”

Simon Thara (sideburns): So back in Kenya, bouncers can be a bit douchey when it comes to letting people into clubs even if you are of age. So I started growing out my sideburns to look older haha. After a while I kinda liked them like that, and even if I don’t have the same problem anymore, it feels right.

Chris Sarlos (goatee): “I personally prefer the goatee for practicality. As a sexually active gay man it’s great for catching semen to avoid STD infection from those quick club-bathroom BJs”

“It’s great. One time I found a crumb in it from break feast, and it was right under the mouth waiting to be licked up! I feasted like a king that day.”

A Caribbean, muffin eating hottie: “I think facial hair is handsome on most boys, as long as it’s not overly scruffy and long. Personally I think his is way too long. Umm I don’t think it affects the quality of a kiss.”

Liquid Giggles (clean shaven): “People already think that I look like I’m 30, which is cool. If I were to grow a beard, people would think that I’m 40, which is ancient.”

Katharine Callahan: “To be honest I don’t really notice it. But after the first few times we made out I remember my bottom lip was really chapped.”

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015

The Morning After

by Woody Fade in: The Beginning

ADAM: Same here! I always wanted to try it out and she really wanted it. You could tell it was her first time too. I really had to force it in.

Scene opens with Adam sitting at a table in a cafe. Head in his hands, he groans as the two men behind him chatter about their night. Steve enters the scene. He spots Steve grins. He was going to Adam and immediately heads one-up Adam. towards him. Steve is clearly STEVE: Well that’s not what still drunk from the previous I meant. You know night while Adam is nursing a how they say the raging hangover. male G-spot is in the asshole.

STEVE: Adam, I totally had someone night!

over

last Adam looks surprised. hadn’t expected this.

He

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the same party. I remember a bunch of girls like that. I think I went home with one too. Hairy legs and surprisingly big hands. Actually, one more thing, she had a really deep voice…

Steve falls silent as his eyes grow wide. Adam who was still imagining his recent lay pipes up.

ADAM: Actually I’d like to meet her again. I didn’t get her number though.

Do you know someone who lives at New Rez?

ADAM: Not so loud. I mean STEVE: Exactly. I gave her a that’s great and strap-on and told her everything, but could to go for it. I expected you calm down a bit? it to be cold but it was really warm.

Adam looks up and sees Steve She didn’t seem to be beckoning a high-five. He too experienced at responds and immediately it though. She didn’t regrets the sound made even give me a proper through this action. As soon reach-around. as he recovers he continues.

STEVE: Yeah. I do.

ADAM: Man I just came back ADAM: You know something similar happened to from this girl’s place. me. She asked me to I honestly do not start off with a dildo, remember how we but I decided that she got together but I do may as well get the remember one thing. full treatment off the Adam looks up and grins. bat.

ADAM: That sex was the Adam looks upwards as he greatest I’ve ever remembers some details. had.

ADAM: She had weird features STEVE: Wow! Same here. though. She didn’t shave her legs and They exchange another highher hair was really five and Steve continues. short. I think she was STEVE: Yeah dude, I tried a hippy dude. something I’ve never STEVE: Yeah we went to tried before. Anal.

STEVE: I don’t have a roommate.

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Steve continues to stare at Adam as he continues to talk.

ADAM: Nice, dude do you know who lives in Room 1034?

STEVE: I do.

ADAM: Fuck yes. What’s your room-mates name?

ADAM: Well then who did I… Adam quiets down as a horrified look streaks across his face. Adam and Steve continue to stare at each other as the camera pans out and show the name of the café, “The Garden of Eden”.

Fade Out

-FIN

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

EUS 2050

by Liquid Giggles The year is 2050, and EUS President Thom Forestell has just woken up in his apartment in Val d’Or. He grabs himself an ultranatural Pizza Navona© 57 grain bagel (with sesame seeds), and runs down to the curb. He climbs into the hyperloop, pays the 600 ruble fare, and speeds towards McGill.

After 30 minutes and 500 km, he passes from the GTA city limits into Montreal, Ontario.

Glancing at a copy of Hypermetro, he sees that it’s going to be another cold January day, with temperatures dipping down to 288 K. He also makes note of the route being followed by today’s protest – there are 700 000 people marching down Parc today, demonstrating against discrimination based on merit. Thom decides he had better take the loop to the West of the mountain.

Thom arrives at the walls of McGill Technical University, and shows his ID to the heavily armed McGill Security guard, who is on constant alert for bands of roving Habs militants. Starting from the Atwater gates, Thom walks past New New New Rez, New Old New Rez, New87 Rez, and many similarly named buildings. After some trekking down de Maisonneuve, he passes McGill’s Henry F. Hall Daycare Center, and takes a left up Bishop to Sherbrooke.

The McGill Nuclear Fission Racing Team is testing its latest vehicle on the Sherbrooke Test Track today, and it looks like they are having some problems with their containment system. Thom pops an anti-cancer pill just to be safe, and heads to Old McGill.

As he approaches the Roddick gates, he gives a wave to Charlie,

founder of Pizza Navona, who is sitting in a lawn chair in front of the Pizza Navona Brewery. Thom walks under the beer pipes, which are directing sesame-flavoured lager over Sherbrooke to the beer tents of OAP, which covers Lower Field, Three Bares, and all other Open Air Places on McGill campus.

By the looks of the crowd, there’s only 50 000 people today, probably because it’s just Arcade Fire playing.

It’s unlikely they will break the usual 20k cases.

Eventually, Thom makes it to the Royal Vic Citadel, and walks into the EUS SSF Building. There’s a crowd of Demilitarize McGilligans protesting outside the EUS General Store, Heatstroke is making great business with its Toonie-Tuesday chili (which actually costs 400 roubles), and Peter from 3D-EUS is printing a new baja for the McGill Baja Chariot Team. This is the 6th baja of the 8 they need to pull the chariot. As Thom enters the EUS Offices, he greets Dianne, and nods towards Alexander Dow and Ali Najmabadi, who are discussing their post-post-post-post-doc work.

Look at the time, it’s 9:58 AM! Thom runs to the gold-plated Macbook Hyper-Pro in his office, and throws on his virtual reality headset just in time to step into his conference meeting with Dean Chelala. The two sit down, and get to business. There are big items to be discussed. The EUSF is up for renewal again, and students are concerned about that state of the lab equipment, which still has not been updated since the 1950s.

There are also concerns regarding the Machine Tool Labs. Though they have long since been shut down, Thom insists that faculty remove the curtains blocking view of the

An EUS Publication

Machine Tool Lab viewing deck, where until recently, students could view the abandoned implements of a practical education.

After agreeing to champion a campaign to renew EUSF and getting promises from the Dean to look into the feasibility of buying some 1990’s equipment with digital displays, the meeting is concluded.

No resolution was reached on Machine Tool Lab viewing access though, because consultation must be had with the SCC (Safety Cartel of Canada).

Thom heads to the Shatner Pizza Building and grabs some Pizza Navona, before meandering down to OAP on Lower Field to grab a Pizza Stout and hold his lunchtime audiences. At 2, the SSMU Club President, who has just come from the SSMU Clubhouse in Laval, kisses Thom’s hand, and is granted permission to sit. The presidents discuss SSMU Club’s debt repayment schedule, which has been a perennial topic of debate ever since the EUS bailed SSMU Club out after the Great Government Audit of 2016. Thom agrees to give SSMU Club an extension on the next 5 payments, and the SSMU Club agrees to surrender its remaining 5% share in Gs, the oldest surviving campus bar, located in the Shatner Pizza Building.

Thom is next greeted by representatives of the McGill Nuclear Fission Racing Team (referred to as “Fission” in conversation) and the McGill Nuclear Fusion Team (referred to as “Fusion”, ever since it split off from Fission). Fusion wants to merge back with Fission, because it believes that the combined team will be a real powerhouse.

April 23rd, 2015 However, the Fission feels its structure is already too large, and wants to spin off portions of itself to make new design teams. Thom, wise as he is, directs the Fission to split, and directs that one of the spun-off teams should merge with Fusion. The Fusion reps leave the meeting happy, but the Fission rep looks like he is about to snap – he’s completely unstable.

population of the United Provinces and States of Canada (UPSC). Thom tries to offer an explanation, but the Tsar insists that Frosh is to blame.

Thom accepts in the end that there will need to be sweeping reforms to Frosh, which will now consist of locking all Froshies in individual padded rooms, where they will be immune from any offensive material.

Next, Thom heads over to the Equity Complex, kisses the hand of the McGill Equity Tsar, and prepares to be verbally berated. 12 McGill departments have fallen outside of their diversity quotas, which mandate that % composition of each demographic in a given program fall no further than 0.5 points from that demographics’ representation in the broader national population.

The Tsar focuses in on the 11-student Department of Political Engineering, where only 45.5% of students are male, despite composing 48% of the

Thom is a little bummed out, but it’s 4 PM now, so he heads over to Tuesday Blues Pub, at the Pizza Navona Forum near Atwater. He grabs three 200 ruble Pizza Navona Lagers (and three 2000 ruble plastic cups), finds a few buddies, and sits down for a game of beer die in the atrium of the Forum. Thom plays with the Great Klondook Brown Rush, whose lab coat is now a perfect blackbody. Against him are the President of the McGill Empire of Mechanical Engineers (MEME), and the U4 Rep of the Tested and

The Italic Type

by Daniel Galef

or

11

Responsible Organization for Petroleum Engineers (TROPE).

Thom doesn’t manage to get his die within 6 feet of the Forum ceiling (LOW!), but he manages a sink. This is going to be a good night.

A few hours pass, and Thom stumbles off the hyperloop in Val d’Or, still clutching the remains of his Pizza Navona chicken creation.

He has sobered up a bit, so maybe he can do a bit of studying for the thermo test John Lee has tomorrow morning. He takes a look at the chicken scratch notes, and starts to read. “The first law of thermodynamics, considered valid for many decades, was finally disprove…”

Thom falls asleep on his desk, filled with dreams of Pizza Navona and beer die. It is 2050, and the life of McGill Engineers are as they should be, and as they have always been.

Settle for What You Can Get

Instead of bowling, He reproduced always rolling

the stuff he used

orbs down the paseo,

in those first testy trials, Tommy Settle

and let with daring

proved his mettle

one ball bearing aping Galileo. roll for miles and miles.

Each time it went

A firm conclusion: he clocked descent Resolution

in water to the second.

for one’s staunch reliance,

At first resistant, newly minted,

all consistent,

typed and printed proved it straight, he reckoned. in the latest Science.

Printed at Copi-EUS

12

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Help, I’m Stuck on Mac Campus

by Sinbad The Saladtosser Help, I’ve woken up and seem to be stranded at Mac Campus!

Bzua-uh-wat? Woah, someone actually called in for help? And about a subject I know about? JACKPOT! Wait a second… how do I know this isn’t just another prank call??

What, dude, I’m just a student. I’ve never been to Mac before and I really need help getting out.

How do I even know that you’re at Mac Campus?

Describe it to me.

Uhhh... it’s big… and flat…and um, OH, I woke up next this skeleton of a greenhouse!

Ahh, the student welcome center. Classic Mac. Did they hand you one of my business cards when you arrived?

Uh... sort of? I found them in a pile on the ground labeled “Need to Escape Mac Campus? Call this toll free number!”

Toll free number? Dammit, it was meant to read “Troll free” number. Though I can promise you we don’t…

OGREcharge for our calls ...but you’re literally trolling me right now.

Fuck.

Okay, fine, this one’s on the house then.

Alright, so what’s the situation?

I woke up in a bundle of hay wearing plaid with a massive headache.

Okay, so you’ve You weren’t SHREK-specting free either recently service, were you? been assaulted by the scarecrow union for being a scab, or you went to the Ceilidh.

The Ceilidh? Oh shit, it’s all coming back to me now…

Yeah, I know man. One minute you think you can make a fast dollar doing tossing hay, the next minute the hay’s got arms and legs and is tossing you all about.

No, it was the Ceilidh. You had it right on the first one.

Oh... so you got into a bar fight over the boundaries one must respect while demonstrating against oppressive authorities with an angry laid off scarecrow??

The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Good thing I don’t have a brain!

What? No! What’s with you and scarecrows...? I was looking for girls and couldn’t find any, so I must have gotten blackout drunk to forget about it.

You came to Mac Campus to pick up chicks? What were you thinking?

I was told they had a 4-1 ratio of girls to guys.

Yeah... but that’s not really a ratio so much as population breakdown. Maddie, Jessica, Gloria, Tori and Groundskeeper McDonald.

What, but… how does that even work? How does the school function?

We just shuttle ourselves in and out every day from downtown. The only people who live there are the groundskeeper, two of the bartenders, and the bus driver.

That’s only three people. What about the fourth?

Tori? She’s not a person. She’s the groundskeeper’s goat. Keeps the grass prim and proper and the everencroaching weeds at bay.

Huh, I thought it was weird that the bar had a sign saying “Kids Allowed”.

Well, we actually do let children in as well. There’s not much else to do out there but drink. Look at what happened to you.

Well played. Okay, look, I have an exam at 2:00 and I need to get downtown to. If you’re done degrading your own campus, can you help me?

Oh, that’s easy! Just show your shuttle bus sticker to Gloria and you’ll be home free.

Shuttle bus sticker? I didn’t need one to get to Mac?

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015 Mhmm, classic scarecrow union trick. Bus out illegal workers without proper documentation, and then trap them on the campus to work for dirt cheap.

Rich in Nitrogen and Phosphorus.

Poor in socio- economic value I told you I’m not a scab or a scarecrow!!

It’s never too late to consider switching professions. What are you in right now?

Electrical Engineering.

And you’re sure you don’t want to consider the benefits of professional scare-crowing? Comes with a free pair of overalls?

No! Now look, it’s 12:00, and if I don’t get downtown in the next 2 hours, I’m failing my circuits test.

Well, there is one other way out.

What?? I’ll do anything Okay, so we do have another vehicle that will get you downtown in time.

Where is it??

Just over the bridge, you should see a massive building standing alone amongst the fields, like a castle in the solace of nature’s bosom.

Okay, yes, I’m just crossing the bridge now, and I see it. Yes, I CAN MAKE IT THERE IN TI….Fuck What? What is it? Is nature wearing a bra?

A picket line of scarecrows…

Damn, I was afraid of that. Okay, do you still have that hay on you?

Uh, yeah, a little.

Okay, stuff it in your sleeves, trouser legs, and neck hole. We’ll make a scab out of you yet.

Arghh, it’s itchy and scratchy. Okay, now what?

Okay, now we need to give you chant. How about: “Hay is not Pay!” Ohh, that’s good. Okay got…

Ohh, or what about: “Standing in a field, deserves an honest yield!”

Okay, that works too. I really need to...

OHH I’ve got it!! “If you cease to care, we’ll cease to scare!”

Look, you can write scarecrow suffrage slogans later! I’m in the middle of the picket line, what do I do now?

Chant and riot until the civil strife you and your co-workers have been experiencing is addressed and eradicated. ...TO GET DOWNTOWN!!

Oh right, you’re not actually a scarecrow. Okay, go to the back door by the garage and enter the code “1,2,3”.

That’s the dumbest code I’ve ever heard.

Look, we had to keep it simple for the scarecrows. Did it work?

Yeah, I’m in. Now where’s the vehicle you were talking about?

Is it a motorcycle? A truck? A crop dusting plane?

Sort of... It’s designed by a McGill design team, so that’s a plus! ...I’m starring at a miniature tractor.

Is it this tractor?

Paul Walker’s wet dream …yes.

I hate you.

Hey, I ran the calculations. If you get up to the max speed of 20 km/h and maintain that for the entire journey, you should be downtown within

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13

the two hours; just in time to thank me and make it to your exam.

Okay, so where are the keys?

Uhh, no idea. I figured you’d be able to hot wire it?

What, why would I be able to do that?

That’s something that electrical engineers know how to do right?

No! And I don’t even have a driver’s licence!

That’s okay, it’s a tractor.

So you don’t need a licence...?

No, you need a special one, so there was already no chance of you having it. Look, there’s only gonna be like two wires on it. Just try applying the red one directly on the solenoid instead of the starter and see if that works.

Holy shit! It worked. How did you know that?

I lied earlier. There are two things to do at Mac: drink, and drunk-tractor drive. But the time for praise has yet to come. Gun it!

Okay, I’m going. Yes, I’m gonna make it! I’m about to pass the picket line! This is great! This is… oh shit.

Tractor Cops?

I just ran over the chief scarecrow and now the others are menacingly shuffling after me.

Great!

What? That’s terrible! What can I do to evade them??

I’d strongly recommend you read my upcoming column “Help, Scarecrows are in Lukewarm Pursuit of Me”. But thanks for reading up until this point, and I hope you enjoyed successfully escaping Mac Campus. Do come again!

14

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Finals Studying Drinking Game

by Michael Kratsios

Finals are perhaps the most feared and unwelcome time of the semester but that doesn’t mean they can’t also be the drunkest.

How you may ask? Why with the help of our beloved and unconditional friend who has and always be there for us: cheap beer. The year is 2015, the world is slowly becoming less and less discriminatory and people are learning to welcome and accept everyone and everything for who they are. It’s for these reasons that I am shocked at the end of each semester, when I see thousands of students who suddenly decide to not only spend less time with alcohol but to go out of their way to avoid it. If this isn’t discrimination, then I don’t know what is. If my sociology course this semester has taught me anything, it’s that the first step to solving a problem like this is to identify it and then take action to correct it. I present to you a drinking game that will help fix this social problem (GPA sold separately).

What you’ll need: As much beer as possible.

Pro tip: Put the beer in some sort of bottle that will not make it obvious to the people around you. This may cause unwanted trouble which will take away from possible drinking and studying time.

Where to play: Any popular study area will do but a library is ideal.

The Rules:

• Every time someone asks if you could watch their stuff, take a sip.

• When they return, take a sip.

• If they thanked you for watching their stuff, say your welcome then take an additional sip.

• If someone tries to steal that person’s valuables and you saved the day, finish your drink.

• Take sip every time you stop studying to check Facebook.

• Note: If you still remain on Facebook for longer than 1 min, take a sip at a rate of 1 sip/ Facebook min.

McGill Fast Food Restaurant Reviews

have distinct differences to the experienced tongue, the fast The Faucet has reviewed food joints around our campus restaurants close to McGill have their own peculiarities. I am before, but mainly the unique here to share a few of them with ones, like Pizza Navona and Lola you.

Rosa. But what about the chains, the places like Timmies and A&W on University** Subway? You might think they I went here not once, but require no review since every twice. They don’t have Whistle Tim’s is the same, right? But just Dogs and you don’t get the like how all the white wines at glass cups, making this one a a depanneur taste terrible, yet big step down from your typical

by Liquid Giggles

• For each question completed whether right or wrong, take 2 sips.

• Exceptions: If you’re studying a multiple choice focused course (ex: FACC 300) take a sip after every 2 multiple choice questions (only the easy questions though). The exception does not apply for any multiple choice questions requiring over 2 minutes to solve.

• For every old midterm completed, take 5 sips on top of any sip that was taken during the midterm.

• While doing any old final exam, all previous rules are doubled.

For example: 4 sips per question completed.

• Note: this also applies for when you save the day, you must finish your drink then re-fill it and finish the new one.

• If someone calls you out for drinking while studying, finish your drink.

• If someone catches you drinking in the library and posts it on Spotted McGill, shotgun a beer.

• When your study session is complete, finish any remaining beer.

decent Canadian A&W. Also, their burgers are both soggy and expensive, though I am basing that off of a sample size of 1. Still, if you have ever been to OAP or Five Guys, you will not be happy.

They DO have their special onion rings, which are delicious but only the 20% of the time when you get them fresh.

Subway on President-Kennedy Ok, this one is pretty good as far as Subways go. They can kill

**not Henri-Bourassa – I’m calling it University until I’m 6-feet under

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015 a line, and service is more than general curry I always order tastes passable. However, it suffers like plastic, it is more plasticy at from the same two problems I some than others. always encounter at Subway.

Not that Thai Express is First off, when you ask for particularly tasty during the best tomatoes, they only give you four of times – if you want to eat real slices, placing them in a neat line, Asian fast food for a good price, rather than giving me 6 or 8 with go to Saigon on Metcalfe (it’s overlap. Are tomatoes really that cheap, fast, and family-run). expensive?

Second off, there is a bit of a language barrier. I ask for “a lot” of onions or olives, and they typically only give me “some”.

I need to usually ask them for 2 or 3 more times, like a doe-eyed Oliver Twist asking for more soup, except unlike that shabby freeloading orphan, I’m actually paying for this breath-destroying monstrosity of a sandwich.

Thai Express on University Kind of an elephant in the room here - how come the staff at all Thai Expresses look so… homogenous? There are 224 locations across Canada, and they have locations in Bahrain, Dubai, Morocco, and the UK, so it’s not like it’s one big extended family.

Maybe I’m seeing too small a sample size, but it seems a bit suspicious to me. What exactly does their hiring process involve?

In any case, forget Thai Express. Their hours are all over the place – some aren’t open on weekends, some aren’t open late. It’s really a crap shoot whether the place will be open when you get there. They are also pretty inconsistent in their actual menu items. For example, the combination of vegatables in a given dish varies between locations, and though the yellow

Tim Hortons on University and Sherbrooke

This Tim’s stirs up deep anger and frustration within me. This Tim Horton’s constantly pits my fond childhood memories of my small town Tim’s against the uniquely bad service I get here, the Worst Tim Horton’s in Canada.

Anyway, the first thing you need to know about this location is that if the lineup is more than 3 people long, forget about it. My small-town Tim’s clears a line-up that snakes out the door in about 5 minutes. There are kids in line at this Tim’s who are still trying to get some post-E-Week hangover breakfast.

Another frustrating part of this Tim’s is their out-of-stock problems. If go there are 2 am, expect the Tim’s to look something like a modern Venezuelan supermarket.

No bagels, no donuts, but look! There’s one of those cinnamon rolls with that weird-tasting white cream!

Looks like it has seen better days though…

Now here’s the worst part. Whatever it is you like to eat or drink at Tim’s, the staff here are going to do it wrong. For me, I love my large Tim Horton’s Earl

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15

Grey Tea (especially when there is some Amarula around to spike it with). Whenever I order it, some combination of the following things happen: 1. They are out of stock. Tea bags are small and imperishable – how do you let that happen?

2. They give me one tea bag instead of the standard 2.

3. They ask “do you want me to put it in” after I have informed them that it is supposed to come with 2.

4. They have most of the tea bag strings hanging loose on the side, and don’t tuck them into the hand holder.

5. They have the tea bag strings right where the mouth opening is.

Now that’s just Earl Grey, and I apologize if it’s a bit technical, but mark my words – they aren’t going to have mercy on your double double, your honey fritter, or whatever it is that you hold dear. …and yet, I’m probably still going to go there after finishing this article.

16

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

5 Stages of Finals

experiencing denial can often be recognized by their distant gazes and by the fact that they are looking everywhere except their own desk, in what scientists have dubbed ‘Schrödinger’s Desk’.

This can be accompanied by quiet sobbing, repeated utterings of the word “No” or profuse sweating.

by Lorenzo Von Matterhorn Well kids, it’s that time of year again: crunch time. They say that the school year is like a marathon.

You start off, full of life, while it’s still warm and beautiful out. The days turn into weeks, then turn into months, with no end in sight.

You get a short break halfway through, but as soon as you can say “Holy shit why is it 20 below out” you’re back at it. By now, your nipples and armpits are so chafed (metaphorically speaking) that the slightest graze causes you to drop to the ground in a shrivelling, painridden mess. You find some BandAids, slap em’ on your nipples, cover yourself in Vaseline (again, purely metaphorically speaking), and head for the finish line. You’re about to make it, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel when BAM, you hit the wall, the last hurdle, finals.

So, as you’re sitting in front of your MATH 264 exam wishing you had studied instead of reading The Faucet. Just remember: the gym ceiling doesn’t have the answers.

Psychiatrists and psychologists both agree that survivors of gruelling exam periods often experience similar emotional responses.

They have been categorized into 5 phases (hence the 5 stages of finals): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

1. Denial

Denial (pronounced De-Nile, as in ‘De Nile is not just a river in Egypt’) is actually experienced in 2 distinct phases. The first phase is before an exam, when, much like climate sceptics or creationists, you refuse to believe the obvious. The second point is during the exam. People

2. Anger

This is one of the uglier manifestations of the stages of finals. This usually begins 30 minutes after exam has started. As you come to the realization that denying that your exam exists is no longer going to work, you descend into an unholy fury. However, since you’re still rational and understand that you can’t lash out during an exam, you release your anger in more discrete ways. If you look over and see your neighbor furiously writing with a mischievous “I’ll show them” look on his or her face, chances are they’re in stage 2. Other signs include restless leg syndrome, ripped sheets, broken pencils, or small puffs of smoke escaping from the ears.

3. Bargaining

Immediately after anger, this stage is when you begin to feel vulnerable. The denial and anger is behind you, and you’re beginning to realize that this isn’t going to go away. But before you actually start “trying”, you bargain. Here’s a classic example: we’ve all sat in front of or next to that Mr. or Mrs. 50 Questions. What you don’t know is that as they ask some inane and useless question, they’re actually trying to bargain their way to a right answer. Whether this is by speaking with a quavering voice, shedding a few salty tears, or casually slipping a twenty into the prof’s pocket,

An EUS Publication

bargainers deliver Oscar-worthy performances.

4. Depression

Much like denial, depression can occur in 2 phases, with both phases immediately following the other.

Phase 1 begins after bargaining, when you realize that your attempts at guilt-tripping your prof were futile, and that you’re now 20 dollars poorer. The next phase usually begins right after, as the weight of the world slowly crushes your spirit. You begin to think about next semester and how you really don’t want to take this course again.

Those in stage 4 are often seen with their head face down on their desk, as they no longer have the strength or willpower to control of their neck muscles. They can often be heard muttering “Oh what’s the point” as well as “Wow, I’m really fucked”.

5. Acceptance

Contrary to what you might think, this is not the point where you turn it around and miraculously pass. Nope; instead, you simply accept the fact that you’re going to fail, hand in your blank exam with “Please go easy on me :)” written on the front, and stagger home.

There, you file a complaint to the administration for the “brutal and uncalled for attack” you received during the exam, hoping that you managed to eke out a 55. As you begin to drown your sorrows, you remember that you have 4 more exams to go. You consider studying for the next one, but say, “Meh, I’ll get to it tomorrow.”

You never will.

PS. You get your grades back a week later. A measly 38. The class average? 82. Oh well, who wants to be an engineer anyway?

April 23rd, 2015

Building Your First Computer

by Set Phasers to Pun

17

the first thing you will think is “I probably need more RAM.”

The case. My definition of “a The Graphics Card, second few” may be a bit off base, but to the Processor, is the head As I’m sure most you know, all the base are belong to us, so honcho in PC egos. Your graphics Greater Toronto Area V is about fuck off. card is what allows you to to release on the PC, after more than a year on consoles.

The motherboard is like actually see the regret on actor’s The recently announced that big square LEGO placemat faces during alone time. Here is performance requirements that you construct all of your also where every (both) graphics are high enough to cook your buildings on. It’s very necessary, card company tries to wring testicles with fan-grille pattern and always gets a participation extra money from you. I have an sear marks. The only sane way to trophy at the end of the season, NVidia GTX660. It’s three years play out your drive-by fantasies but it’s just there to be the old, and has not ever let me is on a purpose-built gaming PC. backbone of the system. The only down. It cost me $230. You could get the GTX900000 HD4K TITAN The gaming PC has changed really important thing to keep in TX, but that is over $1000. Also, a lot from its inception. At mind with the motherboard is I made that particular model first, they were the only way to making sure that it is compatible number up. The price still stands, play Crisis without time lapse with your processor. “No mom, though. If you want to play photography, but now they are a MEGABLOKs and LEGOs are NOT new games at pretty darn good household name. Companies like ‘the same thing’!” quality, and totally acceptable NVidia, AMD, and Corsair don’t The processor is the brain framerates, don’t spend more base their bottom line on how of the whole machine. It’s the than $400. For real. many all in one touchscreens magic box inside the magic box.

Storage devices, like RAM, they sell to Grandma. They go More gigahertz is better, and are also cheap. The new thing for the Xt7r3m3 1337 G4M3R$ something about additional who subsist on an IV of Mountain cores means hyperthreading to do these days is to get an SSD Dew Code Red and carpal tunnel (which surprisingly does nothing (Solid State Drive) because they medication: The demographic to fix the holes in my jeans). I are faster than the average prom that puts blue LEDs on their mini have only used Intel processors night football player. They are ITX towers because they make myself, but that’s mostly because nice, but you shouldn’t concern it run cooler. You may not know I’m a coward when it comes to AMD. yourself with getting a huge one.

Get one that’s 128GB, and then the type, but according to them, Then there is RAM. RAM is get a cheap terabyte hard drive.

YourMomTM does. the thing that everyone tells you The HDD is cheap, and will allow What goes into these to buy more of. It’s the graphic you to store all of the totally machines? What can I do to join V-neck t-shirt of the computer legal Game of Thrones episodes the club? How do I more RAM? world. Your motherboard will in 1080p. Unlike RAM, you can These are all excellent questions have a number of RAM slots buy HDDs as you need them, and that are best handled by Google (4), and a maximum capacity. not worry about ditching what searches. If you need advice on Buy it. Buy the full capacity. Go you already bought.

PC system building, ask someone on NewEgg and click on the The last two are the simplest in Computer Engineering. one that says “Vengeance” Or items. The Power supply should A system is based on a “G-skill” or anything that looks only run you up $60-$80, but few basic components: 1) suitably aggressive. If this is your don’t get the $20 shit brand from Motherboard, 2) Processor, 3) first computer, RAM is cheap. If Best Buy. Their only purpose is Ram, 4) Graphics Card, 5) Hard you don’t max it out, it will have to charge up the tiny Pikachus Drive, 6) Power Supply, and 7) a minor lag in three weeks and on your motherboard. People in

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18

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Electrical will tell you something about Watts; listen to them. The case is literally a box. Boxes come in all shapes and sizes.

Some have lights. Some have windows. Some literally used to hold pizza. With a bit of planning, any of these can be home to your

rad build.

Bird Course

Bird. Did we mention birds?

But here’s the best part of building a PC. You’re going to build another one. You will wait about four months and then think: “Look at that new graphics card.” You are stuck.

You’ll try to get your friends to

If you enjoy cardinals, pigeons, and puffins (nature in general by really; flowers, trees, grass), then It’s April, the most wonderful this really is the course for you. time of the year. As the year You’ll be bowled over by how comes to an end, we find exciting this course can really be! ourselves blazing through exams Interesting research and partoking in prep courses. But questions are bound to take let’s not forget about the most off. For example, you may find exciting event of all happening in yourself wondering: “Are birds April: course registration! double jointed? Or is one joint

Chills W & J.F.

Some of you may be worried enough to get high as a kite?” and wondering about what dank Your GPA certainly won’t take classes to (en)roll in next year. a hit, and your eyes won’t be red Well, look no further, the wild goose chase is over, because have we got the course for you!

If you want to be flying higher than you ever thought possible, be sure to register for WILD 420: Ornithology.

You may be wondering, is this another classic McGill bird course?

The answer is yes, yes it is. This is a bird course on birds by the illustrious Professor David M.

An EUS Publication

build a PC, just so that you can plug that molex connector into the motherboard. That sweet, sweet molex connector. It’s a money pit hobby of the highest order, and it will get you.

from late night studying. Don’t even worry if you forget the taxonomy of a certain species; just wing it! Haha, it’s a bird course.

We’re going to be absolutely blunt with you: you need to spice up your next semester with WILD 420. You and some buds will have a great time.

Please note that this course counts towards a Joint Honours Degree in Birds, the highest distinction you can receive at McGill University. You could be killing two birds with one stoner.

April 23rd, 2015

Kids These Days

by Daniel Galef I won’t hold no truck with any of this rude bunch, these kids today. No, I may not keep up with technology or current events or the supreme edicts of the inhuman god-emperors, but I stand by the idea that people of my generation were just plain more courteous, and had a modicum of common sense, to boot, which you won’t find one whit of in today’s crowd, I’ll have you know.

They say nostalgia is all make-believe, that maybe I’m seeing the past in rose-tinted spectacles and imagining a better time, but that’s just a load of hogwash—I know damn well what I lived through, and no amount of ‘pokes’ or ‘thumbs’ or ‘uppers’ on your blasted electronic mails or your twits on your web logs will make me think any different. And that’s not just because my cortex has been wiped and impressed so many times by the propaganda machines that I no longer can have any remote assurance that my identity is my own.

Back when I was a kid, damn it, we played outside, and used our own imaginations, unlike today, when the sky has been scorched by the flying metal reapers and nature is but a memory. We didn’t have any of these fancy, newfangled beeping contraptions, Game-Box or Cube-Boy or whathave-you, nosiree bob, we made do with wooden blocks and the knowledge that our souls were our own and unsullied, not to be ripped from our twitching forms and devoured by unholy simulacra of sacred life.

An education then was a real education, you bet your life it was. They taught us Latin and Greek, gave us a firm grounding in good, old-fashioned classic literature and weren’t too afraid or sissy to beat some discipline into us once in a while. You try anything sensible like that these days and you’re liable to get sued by some upstart twelveyear-old doesn’t know how to throw a punch. Or executed by the decapitation drones without trial.

I can hardly believe the schools these days, poisoning our children’s minds with their treasonist and unpatriotic history. Schoolhouse Rock never called Columbus an idiot or a genocide! When I was growing up, the man was a hero! He damn well discovered this country, didn’t he? It’s not like he’s done anything in the interim to merit this; he’s dead, fer krisakes! Not to mention the schools’ artsy-fartsy ‘music classes’ turning them all into damned hippies and their ‘sex-ed’ hammering smut down our children’s gullets and their mandatory neuro-positronic indoctrination regimes brainwashing them for the good of the überstate.

Honestly: darn whippersnappers, consarn them.

Anyway, we learned hard facts and could name

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the state capitals. Ain’t never seen no punk teenager these days who could do as much, and that’s not just because all the cities have been firebombed by the Rogue Intelligence and the populations relegated to the labor camps and barbaric desert settlements, the few starving survivors wandering the harsh and lifeless earth to avoid being tortured to a slow death by the satanic and otherworldly invaders that stole our humanity as they raped our species and its history, religions, and ideals.

Call me old-fashioned, but that’s just the way it was.

How did you lose it?

by Liquid Giggles

How did you lose your virginity? I’m sure it’s a great story. We at the Faucet were researching stories like this on the internet (definitely not for “how to” reasons), and we were finding a lot of great material, mainly originating from American middle schools and Northern Ontarian elementary schools.

We were so entertained that we decided to ask our fellow engineering students how they lost theirs, so that we could anonymously publish their stories. We got a lot of enthusiasm from the people we talked to, and dozens promised to tell us exactly how they lost it.

Now, to maximize efficiency, we pre-wrote this article, and implemented a script which would automatically add their responses to this issue, all perfectly formatted and completely unfiltered. So take a look at all the ways that engineering students lost their virginity!

• N/A • Never happened • This one time I found a stack of dirty magazines under my dad’s bed, and for some reason I felt I should touch myself. It felt really good, and I ended up making a mess of the pages and getting caught.

• N/A • Ask your mom! LOLZ! ...but actually, N/A • Not applicable • Not yet :’( • Century Club. I think. Can’t really remember. How many people do you have to make out with for it to be sex?

• Hasn’t happened...

• Well, my step-dad took me out fishing once, and well... I don’t think I’ll tell this one, even anonymously • N/A • N/A

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

What Does Your Favorite Pharmaprix Pick your favorite Pharmaprix Say about Your Love Life!? based on these near-by locations!

by Yolanda Eugene Ensh

Our actions have meaning. So do our words. Visual and auditory stimuli follow the respective pathways and get valued by that little person in your head. It’s true.

Ask my mom, she’s a lawyer!

So the same is true with your favourite Pharmaprix! Everything has meaning in this world and your favorite Pharmaprix is just one of these things. Read on to see what this could mean about your love life!

1. Murale Pharmaprix located on 1 Place Ville Marie, Suite 11176A Oh boy, oh boy is this Pharmaprix indicative of something! I’m not sure what Murale means and at this point there’s no reason to look it up, but after looking up the formal definition of “mural”, we can see that a mural is any piece of artwork applied on a wall or any large permanent surface. If this doesn’t make you say “heyooo” I don’t know what will.

If this is your favourite Pharmaprix then you’re an actor.

You like the limelight and that’s okay. You seek attention. You go for the big laughs, or the big sobs; you’re a tear jerker, so to speak. You command the stage, so to speak, and all eyes are on you, so to speak.

Sometimes you delve into the world of costumes and props, so to speak.

And while we’re speaking, you also may have seen a play or two in your life, maybe one was on Broadway, maybe it wasn’t, maybe you don’t know what Broadway means. If

we look up the formal definition of “Broadway”, we find that it is a large opening or main road.

It also has ties to a well known road in the United States of America.

If we look further into “Broadway”, we find that it is a road in New York; Manhattan to be specific. It runs about 21 kilometres through Manhattan and about 3.2 km through the Bronx, exiting north from the city to run an additional 29 km through the municipalities of Yonkers, HastingsOn-Hudson, Dobbs Ferry, Irvington, and Tarrytown, terminating north of Sleepy Hollow in Westchester County. And if those municipalities don’t rustle your Jimmies, stop reading now because you will not like what you see from here on out.

all out, you go all out, so to speak.

You saw the movie The Wolf of Wall Street and thought, “Yeah, that was a good movie.” That reaction pales in comparison to when you saw Ocean’s Eleven when you said, “Wow, could you imagine doing that?” But, and this is the hum drum killer, is a pail when you compare it to your first impression of Tangled and said, “That wasn’t the movie Tangled was it?”

2. Pharmaprix on 1 Place Ville Marie, Suite 112330

This Pharmaprix shows that you like to spice things up! You like spices. That’s just who are! If you see anything bland in your love life you have just the right spice in mind and it’s as if you have a whole spice cabinet up your sleeve, so to speak.

This Pharmaprix is in a goshdarn suite. This screams about your lavish love life, so to speak. You know the value of a dollar, don’t get me wrong, but when it’s time to go

You’re a big spicy meatball, both in your love life and in life in general!

You’ve got some nice natural grass fed beef, raised on a small farm in Ontario with respect and care. You

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015 have a little cilantro to highlight how well grounded you are. You’ve got a leaf of basil because you’re part Italian and that culture is very dear to you. The sprinkle of lemon pepper in you shows that you can be a bit sour and sassy sometimes.

Overall, you’re never dull.

If I’ve lost you on this spice metaphor, fret naught for it was not a metaphor.

3. Pharmaprix on 390 St. Catherine Ouest C’mon! This Pharmaprix is on 390 St. Catherine Ouest. Do I have to be any clearer?!

4. Pharmaprix Simple Pharmacy on 1538 Sherbrooke Ouest Suite Jr1 Oh this Pharmaprix is anything but simple. Just take a stroll through its cough medicine aisle and you’ll know what I’m talking about. When your parent(s)/ health teacher/ municipality civil servant gave you the birds and the bees talk, they had no idea your love life would be this complex.

If this is your favorite Pharmaprix, then let me tell you, you are an extremely sympathetic and considerate person. You adapt to your settings. Your mood of the day drastically depends on factors

like weather, people you’re around, and what you ate for breakfast.

This can lead to a very eccentric love life. Some of your partners might not like how inconsistent and unpredictable you are, but, if you find someone who appreciates your quirks, you’ll get the ball rolling.

And by ball rolling I mean those spherical objects that have various uses.

Looking up the formal definition of “ball,” we learn that although many types of balls today are made from rubber, this form was unknown outside the Americas until after the voyages of Columbus. The Spanish were the first Europeans to see bouncing rubber balls (albeit solid and not inflated) which were employed most notably in the Mesoamerican ballgame. Balls used in various sports in other parts of the world prior to Columbus were made from other materials such as animal bladders or skins, stuffed with various materials.

5. Pharmaprix on 1500 St Catherine Ouest If you picked this Pharmaprix then you are a person of confidence and it is evident in your aura. You know what you want and you’re comfortable being upfront about it. Sometimes you’re a bit too blunt about it. Your friends might describe you as a Knight of the

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Round Table who carries a blunt sword of emotion and swings it around.

As a Knight of the Round Table, you live in a large castle, Camelot.

You believe in certain values and morals, as outlined in the Code of Chivalry. They are as follows: 1. To never do outrage nor murder (to not assault or murder anybody) 2. To always flee treason (do not commit treason, a crime against your country or king) 3. To by no means be cruel, but to give mercy unto him who asks for mercy (Do not be mean.

Grant mercy to those who ask, even in combat.)

4. To never force men, ladies, gentlemen, gentlewomen or widows (to never harm people. Note that this does not necessarily include the peasantry.)

5. To not take up arms in wrongful quarrels for love or worldly goods (do not join in fights over anything less than god or country)

(Editors Note: This is the actual Code of Chivalry)

How romantic!

If you liked this , click below for more!

Did you have a bad potato?

Take this quiz to find out!

Five Reasons why hydroplaning is bad for your health!

Do you think Buzzfeed is in bed with Upworthy, Tesla Motors, and the love child of Jennifer Lawrence and Tupac’s hologram?

Take this quiz to find the truth!

Take this quiz to see if you had a bad potato!

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Taxing Taxonomy: An Academic Bestiary

by Daniel Galef In any closed system or (literally or metaphorically) isolated and selfsustaining biome or microclimate, the tenant species that once were identical to what now are their cutoff cousins adapt, and, over time, evolve to be distinct from and occupy different niches than them.

This is easily enough illustrated by the common and oft-cited example of the black peppered moth (Biston betularia), which increased in numbers and began to fare better than its brethren when industrial smoke altered the coloration of trees to coincidentally match their wings. This is why the majority of peppered moths today are black, and one hardly ever sees the green, yellow, or red peppered varieties in the wild, with the exception of near brightly coloured Salad Trees.

Once isolated, the population coexists and competes only with the other populations present in the separated habitat.

Of course, most such areas to which are endemic these rare species are quite large. However, several hidden vales, lofty plateaux, or inaccessible islands form small, entirely self-contained worlds of flora and fauna that no longer interact with the outside world. For example, while the stomping grounds of the Bulgarian Feathered Tortoise (Duovincii imperator) are minuscule to the point of extreme obscurity, comprising only the small villages of Dvorak and Azerty (though recent efforts at conservation have resulted in introduced populations in neighboring Colemac, Plover, and Bepo), the beast thrives within its appointed space. Yet,

placed elsewhere, it would almost certainly be ill-equipped to deal with the alien threats and unknown predators, diseases, and myriad dangers presented by the strange new world.

There is no limit, then, to the actual size in land area of a microbiome: there are fascist species of beetle that exist only in a single cave in Bohemia, and some even postulate that the human body may function as its own biome for the various and sundry happy bacteria that call you ‘home, sweet home.’ Thus it should be no surprise to any that, historically, one of the best places for rapid evolution and surprising biodiversity in a protected setting has been the university. Closed off from the world, operating under different rules, standards, and morals, having a distinct and proprietary system of hierarchy and governing, the college campus is one of the single most habitable urban habitats for unusual and idiosyncratic life forms. Here is presented a bestiary of a few of the better known and more interesting beasts scuttling, swinging, shuffling, and sauntering around the grounds of McGill University today:

Delichon apodiformii, The Common Martlet (syn. D. canadensis)

Martlets are common enough sights around campus that very few now would even bother to wonder whether they exist.

‘Why, of course they do!’ you cry, ‘they’re only on the flag, the arms,

An EUS Publication

the gates, the floors, the walls, the letterheads, the identification cards, the team names! They can be seen flying above the dreaming spires of the medical complex and perched atop the museum of natural history!’ This is all very true, and of course today they are an accepted and loved mascot of the college. But some may be surprised to learn that it was not that long ago that martlets were suspected to be a mythical or heraldic being, akin in substance to the leopard or the salamander, both of which we now know to be nothing more than primitive superstition. What we now know as a distinct and unique species of avian was once thought merely to be an excess of swallows, martins, and swifts that populated the campus and environs. Never did anyone think to actually perform the necessary research and conduct an official census or quantitative assay of the feet of these supposedly mundane birds! It was only in 1962 that it became apparent that martlets were a taxonomically distinct and undescribed species.

While currently martlets are apparently endemic to the downtown campus of McGill University, cultural and fossil evidence suggests a European origin and long history of proliferation. One predominant theory proposes that the first New World martlet or at least a common ancestor of the handful of modern day subspecies (D. apodiformii rubor, D. apodiformii acadamia) came over from Scotland with James McGill, who is known to have used the bird as a personal emblem. It is also known

April 23rd, 2015 that Scotland served as a mating grounds for the birds before the old world populations died out: Macbeth, Act I, Scene vi, ‘Where they most breed and haunt, I have observed the air is delicate.’

The one detail everyone knows about martlets is that they have no feet and thus can never land (what? water? shush!), and so must remain constantly in flight, an allegory often applied to hard work in academia. Because of this constant flapping exercise, they are said to possess immense strength, greater than that of rocs, but, unlike rocs, do not fly off with elephants, for the simple reason that they have no feet with which to carry them.

The Tunneling Blindworm (syn. T Blindwormensis)

One of the great troubles with academic taxonomy has been that the great brunt of the task of describing and cataloguing these obscure and rare creatures has been delegate to undergraduates who couldn’t tell the difference between an Owl Monkey and a Golden Pea, between a Wheatear Thrush and a Water Dropwort, or between a Unicorn and an Elephant Plant. For example, the Tunneling Blindworm, bane of the underground tunnels of McGill and universally feared maneater, has never been properly described, and it is still uncertain whether it is a sort of giant snake or giant limbless lizard. One thing, however, that is known, is that, in the true vein of the most beloved traditions of taxonomy, the Tunneling Blindworm is neither blind, nor a worm, and it doesn’t tunnel, either. So paint it green

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and hang it on the wall, eh?

The species, also known as Lovecraft’s Glass Lizard or Slithering Minotaur, resides in the manmade hollows and nooks in the miles of avenues underneath the campus. It is believed to survive on scavenging racoons and opossums, as well as on hapless freshmen, seven of which were sacrificed annually up until the administrative reform in 2002 that got rid of several beloved traditions. A common folksy mnemonic used to caution incoming students against the pale monstrosity is a minor alteration of an existing rhyme: ‘Red touch yellow, killer fellow; red touch black, friendly Jack; solid white, you’re not gonna be all—oh, God, just run, man, I mean it, go, just get out of here, save yourself, and—AAAHHHHHH!’

Rejected “Prufrock” Lines

by Daniel Galef I grow old, I grow old, I shall eat my tacos with a fork and my pizzas rolled.

I grow old, I grow old, I shall keep my music soft and my house in winter cold.

I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear my waistband high and my glasses-frames gold.

I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear thick glasses and read books with print in bold.

I grow old, I grow old, I will ask again what I have been three times told.

I grow old, I grow old, My grandsons all have graduated, and one has been paroled.

I grow old, I grow old, I am trusting and to me the Brooklyn Bridge has been sold.

I grow old, I grow old, To be put in a home I have been wheedled and cajoled.

I grow old, I grow old, I shall shake my cane at valets and attendants should I be tolled.

I have heard the coeds flirting. I do not think they will flirt with me.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

So You’re Graduating, Huh?

by Don’t lego My python

Seriously. Those people will jump at the chance to befriend you; before you know it, you’re roped into weekend adventures, picking up slack, and fun nights out. This gets in the way of skipping town to go to OAP.

So you’re graduating, huh. Off to the big leagues of corporate coffee machines where they still charge you a buck and printers even worse than the uPrint clusterfuck.

It’s no secret you’ll miss student Sick days life like hell, but here are some tips strategic planning. to ensure you’ll still be doing well, If you’re lucky you’ll get a or at the very least still be able to attend things that really matter: dozen or so paid days off. This is OAP, Blues Pub, Mech Madness (RA an obvious one – use them around important business functions like RA RA), E-Week, and Frosh.

OAP. Preferably for two weeks straight if your company allows it.

Establish workplace

3.

1.

dominance.

The first thing you’ll want to do at your new job is to establish who’s really the boss. On your first day of work it is imperative that you set up a meeting with your manager to discuss your immediate travel plans, which will of course require time off. By demonstrating this assertiveness early on, your boss will know you simply don’t mess around and are ready to take on big responsibility. And with big responsibility comes more time off.

Bonus long-run incentive: the more you get promoted, the less people there are on top of you (unless you’re Giggle’s mom) to report to.

More responsibility equals more freedom.

make friends with 2. Don’t coworkers.

anti-savings.

4. 401k Why would you put

money towards your retirement savings when you could put them towards flights back to Montreal to attend E-Week? Will you be doing E-Week when you retire? Didn’t think so.

Almost didn’t include this one as it was rather obvious.

a baby.

5. Have When worse comes to worse,

even the worst companies offer maternal and paternal leave. So if you can’t snag some paid time off, just go ahead and have a baby and voila – a couple months off of work.

Disclaimer: If you’re a woman, sucks being you because you’re not supposed to drink while pregnant. You can always fake the pregnancy or have a food baby

instead (it’s more common than you’d think).

6.

Join your company’s recruiting team.

Request to make recruiting trips to Montreal. Go to OAP. Drink on the company’s dime. Recruiting optional, but discouraged.

that shit.

7. Fight-club If you’re particularly badass, or

just a bit of a masochist, schedule a meeting with your boss. Start blackmailing him/her right then and there until they fire you on the spot, at which point you demand a huge severance package. Keep blackmailing and threatening them until they get pissed and they call security to escort you out of the building. At this point, beat yourself up really badly. Security will show up and it will look like your boss assaulted you. Reach a settlement with the company to “work from home”, collect your monthly paycheques, and enjoy OAP and every single Blues Pub for the rest of your sweet, sweet life.

Well that’s about all the tried-andtrue advice I have for you now. If you follow these tips, you’re guaranteed to attend all of the really important events in your life. Just remember, nothing is more real than your time here at McGill, so do what you must to never move on with your life.

Because why would you ever want to leave the Best Place on Earth?

ANSWERS TO LAST ISSUE’S FAUCET ENGINEERING QUIZ 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

The Geneva drive.

Ship mills.

12,000 Volts Croatia.

The Three Bares.

The Book of Kells.

“Scottish sheep are black.”

99 bottles of beer (on the wall).

9. Orinoco.

10. Any turboencabulator.

11. Centimetres.

12. Feet.

13. Ankles.

14. The reanimated corpse of Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

15. Happiness.

16. 124 Newtons, but not all at once.

An EUS Publication

by Daniel Galef 17. Maybe.

18. Yes. 19. Stephen Harper’s secret collection of porcelain babydoll arms.

20. The Plumber’s Ledger, or, alternately, ten pounds of horse manure in a five-pound bag.

April 23rd, 2015

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Sex, by Faculty

by Liquid Giggles Every faculty on campus is its own little community with a distinct culture that sets it apart from all the others. But just how hard and deep are these differences? Well, the best way to penetrate into the moist depths of someone’s psyche is to see how they perform in the sack.

Therefore, we thrust one of our most talented and cocksure reporters deep into the insides of the different faculties on campus, to ask one simple question: “What do you think of sex?” Here are their answers:

Management: “Sex is a commodity like any other, and its value varies according to the rules of supply and demand, which vary by region. In Bronfman we’re talking $450/hour, but that goes down to about $80/hour at Concordia. The judicious application of Uber could provide excellent arbitrage opportunities, though you still need to overcome branding issues.”

Physics: “I had been having difficulty with finding sexual partners, until I read about the theory of infinite parallel universes. Whenever I am in bed, there is a parallel universe where that hunk from engineering is on top of me, deep inside. All I need to do is imagine that universe (stimulating with the fingers helps the process), and that is as good as sex. It’s not masturbation, because the sex is actually happening to me, somewhere.”

Arts: “Brevity is the soul of wit. In the industry we work in after graduation, you need to get your meat out quickly, with order times in the 3060 second range, hundreds of times per day. I think my time at McGill is preparing me well for the challenges of McIndustry”

Political Science: “In a monarchy, one man or woman has all sex. In oligarchy, a small group of individuals get the pick of the litter. In communism, everyone has sex with everyone. In our democratic system, everyone is free to choose who they have sex with. Unfortunately, the electorate never votes properly, and excellent candidates like myself are left by the wayside.”

Education: “Those who can’t do, teach. And to teach, it’s is recommended that you learn about the latest techniques.

There is lot of online research that is very educational, which I spend the bulk of my alone-time studying. And of course, after I have taught these techniques to my students, I watch them practice their skills, so that I can, ahhhh…., provide feedback. I grade by volume, and usually they need to get at least 4 or 5 mL out of me if I am going to give them an A.”

Math: “I don’t understand why everyone is so obsessed with sex.

If you want true eroticism, look at Euler’s Identity. With math, you have science in its purest from, and you are peering into the structure of the universe itself. With so much out there, why would I be concerned about bumping my monkey naughty bits against those of another monkey? Besides, I don’t particularly feel like putting on deodorant and doing my laundry.”

Kinesiology and Physical Education: “The penis and vagina are nothing to be ashamed of – they are beautiful parts of the human body. And more importantly, they are muscles that can be improved by pushing them to the limit. Here’s what I tend to encourage while training couples:

An EUS Publication

‘Harder! Faster! Harder! Bruise those testicles into a purple pulp!

Your partner should be wheelchairbound for the rest of the semester!

And you, don’t just lie there and take it – put your hips into motion too! Do you weaklings think we’re doing this for fun? Do you think this a game? Don’t cum yet, I want 50 more reps! Alright, next drill, put your fist in there! Oh, feel the burn… that’s progress! Let’s add the second hand!’

Remember, no pain, no gain!”

Science: “Good sex is all about the meticulous application of the scientific method. I have recently been experimenting to determine the best sex position. The first stage in the experiment is straight missionary for 1 hour before orgasm.

The second stage, to be completed on another day, is doggy-style for 1 hour. Third stage is woman-on-top for an hour.

In order to reduce outside variables which may contaminate the data, there is only one position per night, no foreplay, no sound during sex, and we will eat the same meal from Pizza Navona before and after sex.

This experiment will be repeated with several different subjects.

If the experimental program is successful, the same methodology will be applied to other positions.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble with subject-retention, with most dropping out midway through the first stage of the experiment.

I suspect these women were the type who believe in creationism and the anti-vaccination movement, and have no appreciation for my scientific vigour.”

Nursing: “I went into nursing for the sex, because anyone under fifty has no idea what to do with my cock.

And even then, we have pregnancy

April 23rd, 2015 problems. When I get my job at the nursing home, I’m going to be surrounded by more sweet ass than at a Swiss Chalet on Sunday, and those widows are going to be rearing to go. No one with dementia though – your old age is a “second childhood”, and I don’t want to get caught with jailbait. I hope my boss won’t mind.”

Law: “The law profession has had a long history of fighting for sexual liberties, and we have had landmark successes. First it was legalizing sex-before-marriage, then it was extramarital sex. Later on, it was about legalizing gay sex. We have also fought back against puritanical laws

which would prohibit cunnilingus, sodomy, incest, and orgies. It is now time for the last great battleground: bestiality. I did my undergrad at Queen’s, where I and many of my friends struggled with the legal barriers that prevented us from going out to the countryside and giving rim jobs to the sheep dotting the fields. Ewe can imagine how baaad this made us feel, and I will not sheep until I bleat these oppressive laws that are preventing consensual interspecies intercourse; I’m on a legal ram-page.”

Engineering:

to 2-chow and reusing condoms.

However, this tends to reduce the quality of sex received. If you take a very long amount of time, that tends to increase cost, because you are more likely to get hungry and have to order post-coital takeout. If I get off in 60 seconds, you will have substantially reduced time, but the quality will be lacking. Ultimately, you want to find some sort of middle ground between these three variables, to maximize the amount of pleasure derived from sex.

Hopefully someday I’ll have a chance to test this theory out…”

“Sex is a problem of optimizing cost, time, and quality. Cost can be optimized by taking your date

How to Study for your Drug Test

by Rocky Mountain Runaway The snow is melting, the flowers are blooming and classes are ending.

That can only mean one thing; 420 is almost here. But summer jobs are also just around the corner and failing your pre-employment drug test will really hurt your GPA. Marijuana stays in the system from about 2 days to 11 weeks, cocaine for 1-4 days, heroin for 2-4 days, PCP for 3 days to 2 weeks, and alcohol for up to 24 hours (just don’t show up drunk). If you follow these tips, you’ll be golden:

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2. Use someone else’s piss.

Somehow tape a tube of someone else’s piss on your inner thigh to keep the pee warm. People will do anything for a job these days. and hope that you don’t get patted down on the way into the test or have someone monitor you while you pee. In most cases, if you’re a habitual user then most of your friends are also abusing the same drugs. But who knows,

1. Flush your system. Drink lots of water before the drug test to flush out the toxins every time you urinate. However, this doesn’t imply a pass, it just means that you didn’t fail. Drinking too much water will draw attention.

Is it water? Or is it pee? Looks like you’re getting called in again for a re-test. But at least you’ve got that extra time to detox.

maybe you can cash in and get a long-overdue favor returned.

“But, Rocky, what if the drug tester pats me down and feels the clean sample? What if the piss gets too cold? What if someone literally watches me pee?”

3. Use a fake penis. It will dispense the clean urine sample and maybe the test administrator will be impressed by your girth to length ratio. These fake dicks can be found on the internet, but make sure you use Incognito Mode and verify that you get the right fake dick…

4. Don’t do drugs. Or at least don’t do drugs right before you have a drug test. You can be an exceptionally bright person, have a lot of great skills, but if you snorted a mixture of coke and sesame seeds in the back of Pizza Navona© and show up to a drug test two days later, then you’re an idiot. And you’re potential employer knows you’re an idiot.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Part 1

The Evolution of the McGill Engineer How we became known as the rowdiest, craziest, drunkest, and overall best faculty on campus

by Michael Kratsios

After this year’s Faculty Olympics win for the second year in a row, engineers firmly established First ever Plumbers’ Ball was on January 23rd, themselves as the best faculty on campus. Engineers 1926.

We’re only 11 years away from the 100th won the 4 day long competition which tested each faculty based on their drinking ability, athletics, and anniversary! : academics (but mostly drinking). But were we always “For the undergraduates in engineering, however, the epochal event was the now famous ‘Plumbers’ Ball’ which this awesome? How do the engineering students of was held in the Engineering Building on January twenty-third, today compare to those of the past? To answer this and which was attended by five hundred and fifty guests. question let’s take a trip down memory lane to see The whole building was transformed for the occasion, how engineers changed over the years… the improvised ballroom undergoing a wonderful change

1926

1871

First McGill engineers ever!

In 1871 the Department of Applied Science was founded, still within the Faculty of Arts. The Department of Applied Science was composed a few departments, namely civil engineering and surveying, mining, mining engineering and assaying, and practical chemistry and assaying .

throughthe artistic touch of the budding architects. “Bobby Burland’s Boildermakers” supplied the symphonic strains, while numberous sitting=out places were ingeniously contrived. The Plumbers’ Ball will without doubt become an annual affair in the social life of the Science men.”

1930-31

The Faculty of Engineering is no longer referred to as science or applied science; bout time brah!

Also first official Engineering Undergraduates’ Society.

No way some of these people are undergrads. Guy in the middle with white hair, I’m looking at you!

And the official unveiling of the Three Bares; OAP step 1 unlocked. This fountain was presented

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April 23rd, 2015

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by Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney (not the Gertrude that Gert’s is named after), a famous American sculptor, on May 29th, 1931. Gertrude said that all the expenses would be reimbursed, however McGill would still be the ones paying for it initially. Since this was during the Great Depression and the University was going through some tough economic times, the extra cost of the fountain was the subject of a lot of controversy. Nevertheless the fountain was eventually constructed and flowed for the first time on July 4th 1933 :

1955

Nowadays Carnival Queen is awarded to the most hard-core party animal woman, who often parties through a mid-carnival injury. I think we can safely assume this wasn’t the case in 1955.

The Official unveiling of the Three Bares in 1931

1946

1965

First E-week ever!! That’s right! This year was the First ever woman graduate from engineering.

50th anniversary! Although it was actually focused That’s right! It took 125 years from the time McGill on learning more about engineering and was not an was founded to have a women graduate from interdepartmental competition at this point. Many engineering. Can you say sausage fest? of the events included lectures, exhibits, broomball, pie eating contest, and of course there were parties each night and a banquet at the end. It was actually the entire week starting Monday (in fact, 2011 was the first year that it was no longer 1 week long)! Also not sure how much it cost in 65’, but the in 66’ the cost of the banquet part of e-week was a mere 1.50$ .

1948

The first ever Winter Carnival. It was actually focused on doing winter events such as skiing and skating. Also this was not an engineering event, The Chariot race was then known as the “Dowalthough as you will soon see, Winter Carnival and Roman relay” and it attracted a whopping 3000 E-Week may be closer related than you think: spectators according to the Daily (Mech won, hehehe).

This event was part of Winter Carnival, and was not part of Engineering Week

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Founder of the PPO, Mati Merilo:

First evidence of Godiva’s Hymn:

1965-1966

First PPO members ever!! No lab coats just yet, however they still had all the enthusiasm we know and love. They also took the orchestra of Plumbers’ Philharmonic Orchestra to heart! Performing music at Redmen games with all the instruments seen below (maybe something that could be brought back for the upcoming 50th anniversary?):

1968

Maybe E-Week wasn’t an interdepartmental competition yet, but there were still some other competitions going on. Aside from the Chariot race there was now also the Molson Trophy, which was awarded to the department that donated that most blood during the annual blood drive. The winner was on a percentage basis… not who gave the most blood. This contest was later stopped due to the increased restrictions on who can and cannot donate blood nowadays.

1970

End-of-semester boat races were a thing, although they were teams of 5 and not 10 back then, and judging by their times, possibly even only one way. For the first time ever, this event went national, since a team from

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April 23rd, 2015 Western University was entered. Nonetheless McGill won with the winning times being: 26.09 sec (Mech 4), 29.58 (Delta Upsilon), and 30.59 (Western). Also, allgirls boat race team was a thing.

1974

E-week’s infamous rip-off contest was in full swing! This was created the previous year, and was a competition to see who can steal the most impressive thing from McGill campus or another university’s campus. Engineers actually stole all 141 toilet flushers from the entire George’s Hall Building! This included from the urinals and womens’ washrooms. At the time this was part of the Sir George William University, but now-a-days you may recognize the building as Concordia’s Hall building. That’s right, before Concordia even existed, McGill was already playing pranks on them.

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1975

Engineering Week now featured such activities as a pissing contest and boat races vs an all-girls sorority team. The Ripp-off contest continued, by stealing ridiculous things such as a stuffed gorilla from the Redpath Museam, the jukebox from Gerts, and something called the Shitmobile from Sir George’s University (a.k.a modern day Concordia again).

The PPO now officially have lab coats!

Gerts (Known as Gertrude’s at the time) opens on November 7th 1974, 10 years after the construction of what’s now known as the SSMU building. The grand opening was a huge success, having over 400 people present at one point. The bar was named after Gertrude Stein, a famous poet. The pictures below show some of the people who attended the grand opening, as well as an advertisement from the McGill Daily:

1976

1976 marks the arrival of the infamous Uncle Ed (Ed Tochko), one of the most influential engineers and PPO members of the late 70’s. So it’s no surprise that the next few years were filled with quite a few unbelievable stories. The first of which is how the Rip-off contest was won in 76’. A few engineers went to a local tavern on Mansfield at noon, found a Labatt truck, and told the drivers that they were hijacking the truck for the Rip-off contest. The drivers called their supervisors, and they agreed (because Molson had the contract at Gerts and many other events) to let the 100+ cases go. So the engineers delivered the seemingly endless supply of beer to the chemical engineering room for an unforgettable party.

To be continued in Issue 12 Part 2!

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The Plumber’s

Faucet

The BIG Issue

VOLUME XXXI ISSUE XII april 24th, 2015

Part 2

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Part 2

The Evolution of the McGill Engineer How we became known as the rowdiest, craziest, drunkest, and overall best faculty on campus

by Michael Kratsios

1977

The Rip-off contest was once again one of the highlights of the year, and once again it involved Sir George’s University; this year’s prank was on par with that of 74’. The Georgian was a paper at Sir George University. Engineers discovered the publishing schedule of the paper, which was daily, and arrived in St-Jean sur Richelieu, where the paper was printed about 1 hour before printing. They found the publishers and told them they were from Sir George’s University, and that there was an error in the paper that had to be fixed before it was printed. The papers were published and distributed to 20 000 some people, with the 3rd page headlining “Sir George Suck, McGill Engineering Rips off the Georgion.”

The page was full of articles about how bad they were, and how great Engineers were at McGill. Yes, they got in a lot of trouble for this one.

1979

Engineers block Sherbrooke street to play football during e-week. The game lasted 40minutes!! This event was first introduced to E-Week in 1975 and was an annual tradition. The cops would actually help direct traffic in the meantime, and after 30-40 min or so would tell us engineers to start wrapping it up. I can’t picture pulling this one off now-a-days :

Late 70’s

A few mechies decide to play a prank on one of the prof’s by barricading the entrance to the prof’s door entrance. They did this by removing the door and custom fitting a brick wall!! No, that’s not a typo, an actually brick wall! Although I can’t help but realise that this prank is oddly similar to something that happened this year. I guess mechies love barricading doors??

Engineers used to go to Queens the night before football games. It’s safe to say they were always on the most-wanted list of the University by the time they left. The purple-faced engineers (the Queen’s engineers painted their faces purple) hated the McGillians for all the mischief that they did to the campus overnight.

1979-1980

First OAP ever! If only they knew they just gave birth to the greatest place on Earth. Open Air Pub was originally invented by engineers as part of engineering orientation week, and it quickly caught on with the rest of campus as we all know. OAP wasn’t always run by just engineers however; in the 90’s other faculties wanted to help us out too. However they wouldn’t bring too many volunteers or help much with organizing in general, so that didn’t last too long. Also during the mid 90’s, McGill Food Services tried to take it over, but engineers managed to keep it.

This was done with the help of our very own Larry Lessard, who dug up some pictures of the original OAP in order to prove that it was started by engineers. Here’s a pic of the first OAP, and another one including Larry Lessard! (he’s in the very front with the dark beard)

E-week at this point was getting rowdier and rowdier, and it even had strippers! Actually!

The 40 beers challenge (40 beers in 12 hrs) was revived (not sure when it first started though). As difficult

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April 23rd, 2015 as this challenge is, a few engineers actually managed to complete it. The event would start at 12 am. The rules were simple: no vomiting, and candidates are allowed 1 female to provide moral and physical support, and who will also be allowed to finish the last half inch of beer in each glass up to the 39th. If successfully completed, the candidate would become part of “The 40 Club,” and was given a membership card, a shoulder crest, and their names were engraved “in vaetum eternum” on the walls of McConnell. This was discontinued in later years when after completing the event, a student passed out in the snow on the way home, and sadly passed away.

1989

After 43 years, the Plumber’s Pot prints its last paper due to material being too raunchy. There papers were quite entertaining and filled with great jokes! However there’s is no doubt that they offended every race, sex, religion, and sexual orientation at one point or another, on top of having regular nude pics (see archives for more detail on nude pics). It was only a matter of time before the ban happened. However, this was not the first instance in which engineering papers have gotten into trouble for having inappropriate material. A second ban was enforced on the “Plumber’s Faucet” in 98’. This was the result of the paper publishing a nude picture of the SSMU president with the caption “Come on boys – come and get me,” referring to the 3 male presidential candidates.

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Mathers put him up to this). So they chose a day that was not already booked for fundraising and decided that they would have cheap beer, pizza, live music, and a relaxing atmosphere. The first song for every party was “Little Bones” by Tragically Hip. Aside from being a pretty chill song, the song also repeatedly says “Happy hour is here”, and thus is a pretty appropriate song choice. They couldn’t figure out what to name the event, but right before the first party, Tony said that they needed to figure something out and write it on the LED sign they had in the common room. Mike walked in, and with time running out he said “let’s just call it Blues Pub, for now, and we’ll figure something out later.” They never thought of another name, and so the name stuck, and pretty soon every Friday was Blues Pub. Why Blues Pub? In contrast to Pub Nite, they wanted to offer a low-key environment for the engineers to relax after a long week, the blues being the no-nonsense predecessor to much contemporary popular music conjures up that type of atmosphere.

The name of the band that would play at Blues was “The band that killed Elvis.” This band was led by the go-to guy for anything music related in engineering, Paul Robichaud, who would play drums. They would play all sorts of music (grunge, blues, soul, and even metal) with the aid of various instruments. Sometimes the band as well as the crowd would get so into the music, that some of the band members would actually go crowd surfing.

Fall 1992, First Blues Pub:

Blues Pub was created/introduced by Tony Manolikakis, Andrew Leccesse, Mike Prichett and Matthew Mathers. Tony and Andrew (aka Boogie and Cheese) were the common room managers in the 92’-93’ academic year. Part of the mandate for the common room was to provide a space for various engineering groups to hold fundraising events and social gatherings. A lot of the gatherings created a bit of segregation among the various departments (ex: Chemical engineering wine and cheese or Mechanical mixer). One day a U1 named Mike Prichett approached Andrew and Tony, and suggested the idea of having a party in the common room (they suspected Matthew

Mike Prichett with the original Blues Pub posters

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Tony and Andrew

Paul Robichaud

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Mid 2000’s

The live music!

1998

The common room was moved from the now EUS office into its current location in the basement. Before doing this however, engineers decided to have one last giant party in the room, and they did this the best way they could…by filling the entire room a foot deep in sand and having a beach party! Taking the sand out proved to be quite the hassle. They filled a dump truck right outside, and before they were finished, the axle on the truck broke, which only made things even more complicated. It was none the less a party for the ages.

PubNite comes to an end, after many decades of having amazing parties in the SSMU Ballroom a few times per year. These were organized by engineers, and students from the entire University were invited.

These were considered to be one of the biggest parties on campus, having close to 1000 students in attendance. You could also get in for free if you arrived N.A.K.E.D! Which made for a very economic night out.

Late 90’s

Another big event that happened in the late 90’s was the destruction of the Trojan Horse. At the time, the Trojan horse would randomly show up in the front of engineering building from various Universities and each school would fill a t-shirt with signatures and put it inside. But McGill engineers decided to do something a bit different, and so when the Trojan horse showed up in the front of our building one day, we decided to smash the entire thing and keep the remaining pieces of wood.

A few law students attempt to steal our Faculty Olympics trophy (we were the champions back then too!). One morning, a student dressed as a McGill worker walked into the EUS Office and asked to check a few wires. This seemed believable, and so Dianne thought nothing of it. Suddenly, a few students dressed all in black with fully covered faces swarmed into the office and stole our trophy. The whole thing seemed quiet convincing at first, however once it was discovered that it was law students playing a prank (sore losers), we engineers scared the law students by telling them that we contacted the Dean of Law regarding the issue. They quickly came running the next morning and apologized, and even brought Dianne donuts. After talking it out, both sides had a good laugh and the trophy was returned.

2012

This marked the last year that engineers would march through Concordia during Orientation Week while continually repeating the anti-Concordia chant. For years this was considered by many to be one of the greatest events during Frosh. This sadly came to an end after this year, since McGill received many complaints. These were mainly from the Dean of Engineering of Concordia, who happened to be present when the hundreds of drunken engineers stormed through the building.

2013

Monday Morning Boat Races!! Being the sober engineers that they are, civil engineering students decide to have weekly Monday morning boat races at the infamous Chateau Aylmer. It’s a true shame that this tradition didn’t live on, but who knows what the future will bring!!

McGill engineers used to regularly take part in the annual St-Patrick’s day parade up until the late 90’s.

This ended after a drunken student fell off one of the floats, and sadly got his legs run over.

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2014

A prank for the ages! This past year a few engineering students decided to do one of the most dairying pranks in recent years, by stealing the McGill flag on top of the Arts Building. They carefully planned a method of getting to the top of the building without getting caught. And to make matters even better, they not only stole the flag, but replaced it with a pirate flag.

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April 23rd, 2015

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News From Around the World

by Lorenzo Von Matterhorn public debt. In fact, Greece’s minister of pissing off countries that bailed you out of a total collapse said the country was still suffering from an “open wound.”

British Prime Minister’s Latest Gaffe

It seems that British Prime Minister Clive Honeybun just can’t catch a break. Last week, during a political stop in Surrey, the prime minister was caught eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.

The British news media immediately picked up on the story, saying that Honeybun’s actions exemplify the complete discord between the posh upper-class that rule the country and its citizens.

However, in recent days, Honeybun has been making attempts to be cooler and hipper to appeal to all those young whippersnappers. Yesterday, he was spotted loitering outside a McDonald’s eating a McFlurry. Today, a video surfaced of him eating lunch without using any utensils while flipping everyone off and exclaiming: “So ya cunts don’t want me to use utensils, is that right? Well here ya fucking go.” On his way home, he again flipped off the paparazzi and told them “not to mess wid me, ya cheeky cunt. I’ll fucking wreck ya mate, I swear on me mum.” Honeybun followed this up by tweeting a picture of his hairy buttocks with the caption “#YOLOSWAG.” No word yet from Downing Street on this bizarre outburst.

Greece Demands Reparations; Others Follow Suit

In the past couple of days, there has been a developing international story: Greece has claimed that Germany owes them 278.8 billion euros in compensation for damages caused during World War II. This demand is, of course, in no way connected to Greece’s crippling deficit or massive

In the wake of these allegations, other countries have come forward seeking their own damages.

An alliance of 27 nations, including Turkey, Egypt, Iran, and Pakistan, have all demanded that Greece pay reparations for the atrocities and devastation caused by Alexander the Great from 336 to 326 BCE. Alexander, though some believe him to be a hero, is considered the “accursed” by many in the Middle East. He’s accused of destroying temples, statues, relics, and entire cities, while slaughtering thousands in the process. The cost of the damage is immeasurable and, due to inflation, this figure has increased significantly. Now the alliance, which is calling itself The Asian CouNTrIes fOr the Compensation for Larceny and AbusIVE Acts COmmItted Two Thousand Years ago by Losers (or A.N.T.I. O.L.I.V.E. O.I.L., for short), is demanding ∞ euros as compensation. Greece has responded to this claim by quoting what the German foreign minister said to the Greek foreign minister: “Uh, how about no.” No word yet on how A.N.T.I. O.L.I.V.E. O.I.L. will counter; however, we have been told that they have taken their complaints to the United Nations, so this should all be resolved in a timely and efficient manner.

British Prime Minister’s Latest Gaffe

It seems that British Prime Minister Clive Honeybun just can’t catch a break. Last week, during a political stop in Surrey, the prime minister was caught eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.

The British news media immediately picked up on

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the story, saying that Honeybun’s actions exemplify the complete discord between the posh upper-class that rule the country and its citizens.

However, in recent days, Honeybun has been making attempts to be cooler and hipper to appeal to all those young whippersnappers. Yesterday, he was spotted loitering outside a McDonald’s eating a McFlurry. Today, a video surfaced of him eating lunch without using any utensils while flipping everyone off and exclaiming: “So ya cunts don’t want me to use utensils, is that right? Well here ya fucking go.” On his way home, he again flipped off the paparazzi and told them “not to mess wid me, ya cheeky cunt. I’ll fucking wreck ya mate, I swear on me mum.” Honeybun followed this up by tweeting a picture of his hairy buttocks with the caption “#YOLOSWAG.” No word yet from Downing Street on this bizarre outburst.

Greece Demands Reparations; Others Follow Suit

In the past couple of days, there has been a developing international story: Greece has claimed that Germany owes them 278.8 billion euros in compensation for damages caused during World War II. This demand is, of course, in no way connected to Greece’s crippling deficit or massive public debt. In fact, Greece’s minister of pissing off countries that bailed you out of a total collapse said the country was still suffering from an “open wound.”

In the wake of these allegations, other countries have come forward seeking their own damages.

An alliance of 27 nations, including Turkey, Egypt, Iran, and Pakistan, have all demanded that Greece pay reparations for the atrocities and devastation caused by Alexander the Great from 336 to 326 BCE. Alexander, though some believe him to be a hero, is considered the “accursed” by many in the Middle East. He’s accused of destroying temples, statues, relics, and entire cities, while slaughtering thousands in the process. The cost of the damage is immeasurable and, due to inflation, this figure has increased significantly. Now the alliance, which is calling itself The Asian CouNTrIes fOr the Compensation for Larceny and AbusIVE Acts COmmItted Two Thousand Years ago by Losers (or A.N.T.I. O.L.I.V.E. O.I.L., for short), is demanding ∞ euros as compensation. Greece has responded

to this claim by quoting what the German foreign minister said to the Greek foreign minister: “Uh, how about no.” No word yet on how A.N.T.I. O.L.I.V.E. O.I.L. will counter; however, we have been told that they have taken their complaints to the United Nations, so this should all be resolved in a timely and efficient manner.

Spat between Sweden and Denmark Worsens

This week was supposed to be a peaceful and uneventful meeting between two friendly nations.

The Swedish and Danish prime ministers hold a summit every year to discuss matters of trade, as well as to solidify their diplomatic alliance. This year on the agenda was immigration, taxation, inoculation, abdication, commercialization, commemoration, colonization, decentralization, and stratification. However, a comment made this morning by the Swedish Prime Minister Börk Börkberg set off the Danish contingent, led by Prime Minister Trøels Lensen-Jensen-PedersenChristensen. Eventually, a brawl erupted between the two delegations, although parties made sure that there was no touching of the hair or face.

The entire spat began when Börkberg told one of his assistants that he “didn’t like the Danishes.”

The Danish delegation misheard him, believing he had said that he “didn’t like the Danish.” Trøels shot back by saying that “Ikea furniture is tacky, annoying to set up, and about as sturdy as a third grader’s toothpick bridge.” Further insults were delivered, ranging from calling Carlsberg the “Coors of Europe” to saying that Swedish women are “only somewhat attractive.” The fighting only began after Trøels desecrated the shrine to ABBA which every Swedish politician builds while abroad.

After the dust settled, both parties immediately called off the conference and returned home. The fallout from this fracas is still not entirely known. However, Sweden has now banned the sale and use of LEGOs nationwide, while Denmark has begun burning copies of Stieg Larsson’s popular Millennium series. We hope that is all that will come out of this ugly event.

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Red Light Do Right

April 23rd, 2015

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Obituaries

Red Light Do Right has left this world for the next, finally succumbing to graduation on April 14th at 3:59:59 pm. Red Light has long struggled with graduation, and narrowly survived a close brush with it after the Fall 2014 semester (though the ring he wears on his pinky is a reminder of how close he came).

Red Light was born into civil engineering in Fall 2010, and was introduced to the EUS by Cheeks of Steel, a chief of the PPO. After only a few weeks in engineering, he found himself as the Editor-in-Chief of the Plumber’s Faucet, the EUS’s finest committee and publication. Red Light would continue his editor’s duties for two years, before moving onto smaller things in the CEUS. Red Light is often credited with developing the Faucet Social, a bacchanalian get-together that typically ends with empty bottles of vermouth, vomit-caked carpets, and Faucet writers blacked-out on the bathroom floor. More recent Faucet socials, such as the Groundhog Day Rager, still bear the marks of the Red Light revelry of 2010-2012; Red Light can rightfully be called the father of modern Faucet drinking culture.

After his time with the Faucet, Red Light went on to lead the civil engineers as CEUS President, where he learned the bitter truth that dealing with McGill admin and motivating civil engineers to drink is no easy task. However, through the consistent implementation of Monday Morning Boat Races, he was successful in changing sober civil to Sober Civil. It was also during this year that he started managing for OAP, which would be his most important family after the Faucet.

In his fourth year, Red Light took on a more low-key role in the EUS, acting mainly as a party instigator. He did

Liquid Giggles

It is with great sadness that the Plumber’s Faucet reports the passing of Liquid Giggles at five years of age.

In most degrees at McGill University, one’s life expectancy is approximately four years. Further, in the easiest and most inferior degrees, such as Civil Engineering, one should only live for two years. However, when enrolled in the only real engineering degree, Mechanical Engineering, a long life of seven years is very much unquestioned. Recently, due to his incessant affinity towards valuing his education, reviewing course material and acquiring a non-zero GPA, Liquid Giggles has arrived at an early demise.

play an important role as an OAP Head Manager and as Chief of the PPO, but those positions fit in pretty well with party instigation. Chateau Aylmer, though it had been a popular destination since at least 2011, rose in prominence during the 2013-2014 school year as the premier party house for engineering students. With hundreds of people crammed into its tiny confines, and with such absurd activities as Vagisil boat races, Red Light used his apartment parties as a medium for self-expression. And always at his side was Santa’s Little Handjobs, another depraved instigator who succumbed to graduation last semester. For their impressive shenanigans, Santa and Red Light would go on to be declared co-EUS Drunks of the Year, which was certainly the pinnacle of Red Light’s time at McGill.

In his fifth year, Red Light no longer had the Chateau, so he relocated to Gerts, where he has been living for the last 8 months. His shenanigans have been numerous and varied, including the questionable purchase of guinea pigs on Colloquium and a renewed obsession with playing beer die anywhere and everywhere. He earned the Lifetime Achievement Award from SSMU Club for surviving 5 years of Faculty Olympics, which was both a celebration of his drinking prowess and a death knell for his time at McGill.

Red Light made a surprising return to the Faucet for the last issue of his degree, as you can see in the posthumously published articles of this issue. The return of his sense of humour is blast from the past, and is the dying gasp of a man being torn from the womb of McGill. Alas, Neil has now graduated, and he will be sorely missed.

Though Liquid Giggles’ is Irish by choice, this man was actually brought into the world in 2010 by Mexican parents and raised as a Bandito. Through his life, he showed his eagerness to accept and commit to any job or opportunity offered to him -- an invaluable gift for achieving a lifetime of involvement.

In celebration of his esteemed life, a heartfelt memorial ceremony was held in Three Bares Park in Montréal. Giggles had not seen his father since the day he was born, as he left immediately upon finding his role as the old man of the house was taken.

Similarly, Giggles’ Mom was not able to attend as

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she was bedridden and had no more room in her busy schedule to insert anything else. Despite the absence of his parents, his younger brother, a student at Queens University, was present. At the ceremony, he seemed uncomfortable to be there and eager to return to the comfort of his own home. Crying with strong emotion, he was heard sobbing, “Giggles, I miss ewe.”

In his time at McGill, Giggles had a great number of noteworthy accomplishments, the first of which being the most important. Giggles was writing for the Faucet before he knew how to walk -- or write. Through his years as a writer, editor-in-chief, and more, he was the proud creator of the Wonders of Wikipedia section, multiple Engineering guides to food and medicine, exam time therapeutic strippers, the quest for Faucet world domination, a Daily vs. dead squirrels comparison, and immeasurable amounts more in his life. He was undoubtedly the first engineer ever to write more comical and otherwise useless words than an Artsie.

After two full years’ experience communicating with whomever read the Faucet, Giggles ran in a two-man campaign slate for the EUS Vice President Communications with the campaign slogan: “Vote for Shits and Giggles”. What he failed to realize was that the two people on the slate were opposing each other for VP Comm and to his dismay, the election went to Shits.

Next, as any logical person would do, Giggles made up a new position (much like his mother), and thus the first Publications Director was born. As the Publications Director, he took the liberty in founding the more formal, less Pot-like Plumber’s Ledger. This paper turned a new page for the EUS and, experiencing a very positive reception, was awarded the Publication of the Year by none other than SSMU Club.

At the same time, another plan was being schemed.

The Faucet had established several goals for its growth: the staff would acquire the AUS office (and any money left lying around), Faucet socials would occur tri-weekly, a Faucet-copter would be acquired, and the McGill Daily would be overthrown and adopted as a periodic column in the Faucet. The budget allocated to the Faucet was not nearly enough to fund such steps toward Faucet world domination and thus this Mechie installed himself as the MAME Vice President Finance with the sole purpose of embezzlement. After a year of Montréal-esque under the table transactions and extra reasons to attend Mech Madness, he felt that he still did not have enough control nor Faucet income, so took the throne as a power-thirsty and just generally thirsty MAME President.

It’s not only a series of positions that makes for a pleasurable life; what happens in between makes all the

difference. Somewhere along this journey, this character participated in a few E-Weeks and his department was able to secure victories in his past three years in a row. The year before the streak, when Viking E-Week reared its horned head, he shifted his choice heritage east to Scandinavia and grew a beard which more than compensated for his fewer-than-normal number of follicles on top. That year, the thirst quenching events continued in great numbers. Committed to beer die and only drinking beer in multiples of three, Liquid Giggles’ BAC increased and chug time decreased. He could still straw-chug his way to a sub-GPA time and his dedication to the most coveted activity on campus made him the recipient of the most coveted title: EUS Drunk of the Year.

Now, getting himself inebriated was not enough for this generous man, Liquid Giggles was selected as an OAP Manager working in beer. He took pride in sharing the gift of intoxication with his peers. On any given day at OAP, he could be seen at the back of the beer tent aggressively swinging his hammer and putting in his fluids from behind.

One renowned event founded by Liquid Giggles brought many engineers out of their burrows to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania for the suspense-inducing, sleep-forbidding, and gambling-encouraging Groundhog Day Rager. Having his burial only months after, Giggles’ hosting an event centred around a hole in the ground is all too ironic.

While some may say that his most important role for Engineering at McGill in his final year was as the extremely devoted Vice President Finance, but many students would acknowledge a much more significant contribution. The late Liquid Giggles was the Grand Poobah of the series of events which culminated in the 50 Shades of Green Blues Pub. Literature gives people the freedom to express themselves, convey points and tell stories with no bounds on truth or public interest, as demonstrated in the Faucet’s tasteful nonchalance -- however, primarily

by SSMU Club and the McGill Daily. As such, interpreting the work of most authors and lyricists literally would produce a universe of confusion, as indicated by ‘Sober Civil’. However, known for continuously singing, chanting, and writing verses for the enthusiastic Engineering musical repertoire, Giggles’ had the desire to literally analyze several of the lyrics. The passage that stood out to this master of words was in the chorus of Godiva’s hymn, “We can [...] demolish forty beers”. This lyric necessitated that the Blues Pub hyping 40 Beer Challenge be conquered to prove once and for all that, while it is said that the pen is mightier than the sword,

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015 the pen is not mightier than the liver.

After the almost-excessive amount of hype, the event everyone was waiting for had arrived. The final event he was able to personally host before his passing was the Faucet’s Blues Pub. This was one basement filled with everything you would expect from Giggles’ Irish ‘heritage’, leprechauns, St. Paddy, Guinness, sex novels only his mom could inspire, debaucherous drinking events, McGill Engineers and of course all the other shenanigans we have come to expect from Liquid Giggles himself. Not unlike the four promiscuous-themed Faucet Blues Pubs preceding it, 50 Shades of Green was none-toosurprisingly recognized as the Blues Pub of the Year.

Deemed a Rookie of the Year for his work five years ago, this man was born a fine specimen, yet has still exhibited more growth than the EUS debts due to his Faucet embezzlement. He offered nothing short of an outstanding lifetime dedication to making Engineering infinitely better than SSMU Club. His initial passion never waned and, with his five full years’ engagement, one

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can’t speak about the Plumber’s Faucet without praising Liquid Giggles.

For those who have crossed paths with Liquid Giggles or even just lived during his era, you have been given an absolute gift -- not to mention likely personal bribery from EUS accounts. We know that, if his old man back and liver will live on with his spirit, he is a giant whose shoulders the future generations will stand on.

For all that he has done, it is with absolute certainty that we say that the legacy and inspiration of Liquid Giggles will live long into Faucet-ernity.

The preceding passage is merely a friend and colleague’s abridged recollection of the life Liquid Giggles’. While the selection primarily remembers pleasant moments and achievements, he actually led a rather rough and tough life and has been through many a hardship. To allow the world to discover the full story of his five-year life, the unabridged version of Liquid Giggles’ obituary will soon be available as a self-dictated autobiography on a forty-five minute vinyl.

EUS Stereotyping

by Liquid Giggles Through my many decades at McGill, I have become wellacquainted with the EUS and its many groups, and I have come to identify a number of common patterns. Sure, we’re all individuals, but individuals of a certain feather flock together, and the difference between a typical OAP Manager and a Frosh Coordinator is vast. The EUS is big though, so for your convenience, I have prepared the definitive guide to EUS stereotypes:

Frosh Coordinators:

Frosh coordinators are sweaty, sloppy, and very chill. They run around in muscle shirts during the summer, engaging in various shenanigans and getting drunk with coordinators from other faculties. After all, if you are going to make Frosh fun, you need to have fun yourself. And in the process of this, they get their shit done and put on what might be the most important event in your degree.

They also have the unenviable task of

dealing with SSMU Club and McGill admins, and my kudos goes out to them for preventing those nefarious forces from succeeding in their mission to destroy all that is good and wholesome about Frosh.

Junior Councillors:

Junior Council is a colony of Army Ants attacking an unattended infant in Madagascar. They are small and young, but they are determined and have strength in numbers. These kids are enthusiastic and excited to do cool things, but they lack a certain degree of seasoning. But that’s ok, because you need to start somewhere.

OAP Managers:

OAP Managers eat more, drink more, chug faster, party crazier, and organize better. They are the best of the best of the best, and campus knows it. But most importantly, they have grit. OAP Managers are the type of people who in a few years you imagine to see wearing jean jackets and drinking from stubbies as they stroke their bushy 2-day old beards.

An EUS at Publication Printed Copi-EUS

Blues Pub Managers:

Blues Pub Managers are to OAP Managers what Club Scouts are to Marines. They are competent and maintain order, but they undeniably have a certain fresh-faced innocence.

Still, Blues Pub has never been more consistent than it has been under their care!

POWE:

If you crossed Scrooge McDuck with a TED talk, you’d be left with POWE. A thick slime of professionalism is secreted from every pore in their bodies, and they make it rain on the students of engineering with conference after conference after conference, with free delicious food made possible

by Schlumberger dirty oil money.

Certainly the most POWErful of EUS Clubs, they are a force to be reckoned with.

EUS Execs:

An EUS executive behaves like a function of time. Early in the term, they are fresh-faced, idealistic, and

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

full of pep. By the end of the term, they are grizzled, wise, and about 20 pounds heavier. They are like the caring father who doesn’t get to spend enough time with his children because the boss is making him work overtime. Unlike execs from other faculties, they don’t waste their time arguing over politics and trying to get Council to write them paychecks.

They are overworked volunteers who get shit done, and are proud of it.

Class Reps:

Class reps are a smorgasbord of engineering students. They exist on a two-dimensional plane with enthusiasm on one axis (ranging from “puppy-dog” to “gets drunk during Council”) and idealism on the other axis (ranging from “Liberal party junior scout” to “Council schmouncil”). On the one extreme, class reps can be old guys who want to have fun stirring up shit in Council in their last year. On the other extreme, they are U1 kids who love politics for the sake of politics, and who plan to leverage their class rep experience for a premature attempt at running for President on the platform of a fluffy “grand vision” for the EUS.

shenanigans in the mix (especially from Baja). These teams have a single-minded determination to get their cars and robots on the road, and they aren’t shy to let you know what they think about whatever gets in their way. Machine tool lab shutdowns – bah. McGill bureaucracy – bah. That guy from the EUS didn’t answer my email – bah. That other design team stole my drill bit – bah.

But they are professional, and despite all the obstacles that get thrown in their path, they get their stuff done and represent McGill spectacularly around the world.

Departmental Execs:

Behold, THE LEADERS OF TOMORROW. Departmental execs are often inexperienced, but it is as a departmental exec that they get experienced. Some are useless, but others really capitalize on their positions, do great things for students, and prove that they are ready to become a departmental president or EUS Exec. Departmental execs are both the sand and the flakes of gold panned out of the river

by a Klondike prospector.

Fauceteers:

The lost children of engineering.

Many are young, and some are very old. These are the kids with a twisted sense of humour, and have a misguided notion that it should be shared with the world. In conversation, they discuss ridiculous ideas, but unlike other groups, they also say, “Ya, let’s do that”. Who else would sell custom-branded condoms and run a Groundhog Day Rager?

Ledgerers:

These are the creative folks in engineering who don’t quite understand Faucet culture. While the Faucet has a rusty 1990s minivan parked on its un-mowed front lawn with a Groundhog Day Rager thumping on the inside of the house, the Ledgerers are rolling their eyes as they finish their morning coffee, ready to hop into their BMW i3 and go to work at the respectable design agency they work for.

PPO:

What are the PPO? I’m not sure if they really know themselves.

Some sort of weird combination of tradition, frat housiness, engineering spirit, and booze. They are sometimes called “a charity group with a drinking problem”, and they attract a combination of held-noses, cheers, rolled eyes, and smiles. Mainly smiles I hope – everyone likes receiving Golden Valentines after all.

Design Teams:

In industry, robots build cars.

At McGill, robotic students design and build cars. CAD, build, eat, CAD, homework, build, eat, sleep, CAD, build, eat, sleep, CAD, eat, race.

That is life on the design teams, though sometimes there are some

HOUSE FAUCET

Printed Copi-EUS An EUS at Publication

HOUSE Ledger

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April 23rd, 2015

Terrifying Tales from Beyond

by A-Hole for Effort You awake to a pounding headache and the unwelcome glare of morning sunlight through your window. Your throat is parched and your stomach is heaving; the room is a magnitude more filthy than usual, and the tattered remains of last night’s clothing still cling to your sweaty, beer-soaked body.

All in all, really, just the usual signs of another great McGill engineering pubcrawl.

You don’t remember much of it, but it must have been a wild one! Blurry recollections of last night’s antics keep your spirits up as you drudge through your morning preparations. Jeez, these hangovers are getting pretty bad though, eh? You contemplate this as you slide into your car and start the engine - at this rate, it might be difficult to keep up partying this hard for many more years. But hey! You’re still making it to your 9:30 class, so you’re doing pretty damn well- you think. Given your hungover state, you drive mostly on instinct. Hmm, campus seems a lot further than you thought... but soon enough you reach your destination. Turns out there’s lots of parking today (...several lots, actually) - this hungover day might not turn out too badly after all.

You drag yourself through the school’s doors and up to your first class. It’s only when you sit down at your desk that you realize... something is off. Your desk is far too large and clean and in good repair for a McGill piece of furniture. And why’s this computer here? Maybe you just stumbled into a grad student computer lab by mistake.

But then what are these strange walls everywhere, forming almost

miniature... cubes?

Slowly, it dawns on you.

This isn’t McGill. You’re not in undergraduate academia anymore. Somewhere along the line, you crossed over, into... the

Real World.

And also, you’re late.

You start to hyperventilate as panic grips you. This isn’t right!

You shouldn’t be here! Eventually you manage to calm yourself, and just in time too; given your already feeble state this morning and the retching in your belly, your body can’t handle much more stress.

Carefully, you make your way to the nearby coffee machine. The caffeine fumes begin to steady your nerves as you sip the first brew of your nine-to-five workday (nine to five cups a day, that is).

You can do this... you hope.

Back at your desk, your screen comes hazily into focus: a to-do list. You have no idea what any of these tasks are and have no desire to talk to anyone on this list. But it looks like you don’t have a choice - your supervisor pops up behind you. “Good morning! Got lots of work coming in from systems today, definitely gonna need your help with this.” You glance back at your already daunting to-do list and open your mouth to protest, but no sound emerges. It’s taking all you can muster to pretend like you’re not sloppily hungover and desperately wishing you were back at home, back at McGill heck, even 8:30 class would be better than this.

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reassigned to you again. Everything requires a signature from people who either don’t care at all, or care when they really shouldn’t.

You find temporary relief by briefly passing out in a washroom stall, but it is short-lived. Trudging through the hallways to file documents, you see cubicles adorned with corporate calendars and family photos. Around you, you can hear coworkers talking about their kids, their family vacations plans, their goddamn taxes. Some are excitedly planning to go out for a fun night tonight and have a beer or two. On a Friday night.

You shudder. At least you’ve made it to lunch. You drag a styrofoam box of overpriced cafeteria food (remember when you used to go to sustainability talks?) and a fourth coffee back to your desk and continue your ordeal.

As the rest of the day drags on, you manage to fake work reasonably convincingly by opening up a Word document and typing out a Faucet article for the upcoming issue. It’s a poor piece - excessively stylized, prone to long and verbose rambling trains of thought, and littered with lazy, ironic meta-references - but it sees you through the afternoon. 4:30 rolls around and you think you can make a plausible exit. More importantly, you can make it back to McGill just in time for Happy Hour! The thought gives you the needed determination and courage as you sweep up your papers and break for the exit.

You’re almost out the door when your supervisor calls out from behind you.

The morning passes in a “Hey! I know it’s been a crazy horrifying haze. Your work is like week, so thanks again for agreeing one long, super-detailed lab-report to do that overtime we talked that you keep handing in, but it about earlier. Have a good evening never gets graded... it just gets - and I’ll see you Saturday!”

Printed at Copi-EUS

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015

A Canadien Point of Vue on MERTHiver peut pas. No need pour confronter the Sureness of Québec by conduisant under l’influence – Jean-Pierre already had sa Civic Turbo mit dans l’impound l’année dernière.

by Crotch, Bind, Get Wet, EnGAge As a vrai Canadien of the Nord, I say that I have lots of happiness to hear that we do the pubcrawl during the month of mars. Oh oui!

Normalement, I spend les jeudi soir on mon couch, eating les chips, drinking la bière du dep le plus close, and watching notre team nationale, the Canadiens, beat up the Leaf de Toronto. On the jour of MERTHiver by example, I grab my 7 friends and go; Jean-Luc, JeanPierre, Jean-François, Pierre-Luc, Marie-Pierre, Marie-François, and Jean-Jean were down to montrer les anglos how we se saoule back home in St-Raymond. On se tell ourself « Y’a pas de way qu’ils peuvent boire plus que us ».

Anyway, all ça pour say qu’on sait how to drink, because when we célèbre nos vehicles motorized or une victoire du Canadien, we drink hard. Alors my group and moi, on were sure que MERTHiver serait a walk dans le parc. Eh boy, comme qu’on avait pas reason.

Avec plus que ten stops, mon foie took more hits than GSP over sa entire carrière, more hits than qu’il y a eu manifestations on StCatherine street in the last month, and even more hits qu’il y a strip clubs autour de Montréal (pas qu’on se plaint). I was so bourré que j’ai even messed up Jean-Jean and Jean-François’s names! Peuxtu believe that? Je les know depuis before I had my first quatre-roues!

Calice, I was chanceux not to need quatre-roues to take me à la home; j’avais so much difficulty to walk, it was pire que that one time I walked onto la glace avec mes skate guards au hockey. Un vrai mess.

You see, we sommes des vétérans du rip. Avec nos pick-up à St-Raymond, there was not one weekend that went by without some forme de consommation et de driving. Whether it was St-Hubert and road tripping to Québec, or une frite dippé in la mayo paired avec du mudding, or encore meilleur le salmon and skidoo duo, we jamais skipped a chance to consomme et drive.

Le plus surprising de tout, c’est Then only when we fini, that is quand on boit comme ça se la fortitude of the foies of the other

Things That are not Transformers

équipes. It was clear que c’était pas leur first MERTW. J’ai meet a guy from le nord de l’Ontario, and he drank comme un champion. He took shooters better than Price stops them. I pense to myself dans ce moment « Hey, ces gars sont not bad. Maybe I should essaye to meet people outside the CÉGEP cercle. » By the end of la soirée, j’ai meeté du people de all over qui sont des engineers at McGill.

J’ai spoke to some Americans about la chasse, argued to a Frenchman que les curds de StAlbert are better than any France fromage you can find, and even made out with a Winnipeg girl qui était francophone and hotter qu’un bouteille de Bleue dans le sun durant la Saint-Jean-Baptiste. Ça c’était un real night out.

Finalement j’avais eu ma chance to be a real ingénieure de McGill with a sang-alcool content higher than mon GPA. Je suis almost sad to think que j’aurais pu do more MERTHiver if I had plus de semestres à McGill comme all those high school étudiants.

Tempis. Happily, mes students frais are so low that j’ai quelques milles d’extra in cash to buy more beer que les high schoolers, even après toutes les repairs que ma Civic a besoin.

by Someone Who Does Not Understand Transformers (Daniel Galef) • Metatron • Baccarat

• Bowflex

• Maidenform

• An upside-down • Trafalgar golf cart

• Roto-Rooter Printed at Copi-EUS

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Ace It With Your Invigilator

by Red Light DO right

Exam rooms have eternally been known as asylums of academics, stress and desperation. Except for some of the desperation, that will all change right now.

As engineering students – or anyone, for that matter – meeting new people can be exciting and can even excite you in that extra exciting way. In those three hours of writing final exams at McGill, there is one position that goes all too unloved: your invigilators.

You’ve checked them out, you’ve asked them to give you what you need and maybe even had a ten second conversation with them about your course. Well, from now on, you will have the unique opportunity during your exam to pick-up your invigilator or even start a long-lasting serious relationship.

Next time you see that cute or pretty invigilator you want to get to know a little better, just use one of these tried and true pick-up lines: • I w is h y o u w e r e a n e x a m s o I c o uld lay y o u on m y d e s k .

• I’m throwing out my eraser because you’ll be one mistake I don’t want to get rid of.

• Are you a curve? Because I’m ready to ride you.

• I’m failing this on purpose, I want your D. • I don’t want to invig-ya-later, I want to invig-ya-now.

• I want to get between the crib sheets with you.

• Don’t tell my girlfriend or the professor because you make me want to cheat.

• I put up my hand just hoping you could give me a tip.

• My hand’s not the only thing that’s up.

• Good thing we’re in the gym because we’re going to have to shower after.

• Are you like this exam? You have to have hundreds of people do you at the same time?

• I was so excited to meet you here, I came early.

• Next time you walk down the aisle, I hope it’s with me.

• You’re like all the cheat notes on calculators, there’s a lot more to see under the covers.

• What I have in mind for us is like this exam,

it’ll take 9 months to get the results.

• My essay about you and me is worth an A. You mark my words.

• I know this exam is only 3 hours, but I want to stay with you for the rest of my life.

• This exam isn’t the only thing that’s hard.

• I have a question for you, but I have to ask it on one knee.

• I’m not sure how I’ll do on this test, but I give you a 10/10.

• I can usually restrain my sexual desires, but you’re really testing me right now.

• I was done after an hour, but you make me want to keep going for three.

• Maybe one day you’ll teach too and finally we can profess-our love.

• My P and your V would go well together, but if I combine it with your ass I’ll get a pass.

• You put the ten in tentative exam schedule.

• The scantron wants my check bits, but I’d prefer to check your bits.

• You put me in seat K9 and it’s giving me ideas.

• My assigned seat is B10? You have my heart B10 hard.

• Now I’m assigned to seat B1, I’d for you and me to B1 tonight.

• I C2 people falling in love at first sight.

• I hope this exam is marked anally.

• Is your name Dean because your kiss is on my list.

• When I saw you were invigilating, I was hoping it was an oral final.

• The answer to that question is false, but my love for your is true.

• I don’t know how I’ll do on this test, but I hope I score well with you.

• Multiple choice can be hard, but you help me eliminate ED. • I did an all nighter for this exam, but I’m ready for another one with you tonight.

• I guess they didn’t they tell you to leave your valuables at home because you’re looking like a million bucks.

Good luck in your exams!

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015

The tea industry has taken a steep increase in profitability lately.

This situation leaves room for many less known companies to introduce themselves as competition for many existing tea companies.

One of the most noteworthy growing companies is the hotter than ever DAVIDsDEA which is taking a hard stance in the industry to actively insert itself. With its hand-created new blend of herbs and spices, a wide spectrum of flavours are available: some more salty, some sweet.

This company takes great pride in offering its valued customers the most pleasurable experience possible and has arranged its operations and shifts to demonstrate this. To ensure that customers get their morning cup as fast as physically possible on their shifts DAVIDsDEA always comes early.

Surveyed customers have all claimed that they are eager to take large mouthfuls of DAVIDsDEA and love the experience of the warm fluid going down their throats.

Compared to its direct competition, DAVIDsDEA has received an exceptional amount of tips.

The plethora of teas produced

by DAVIDsDEA boils down to the following varie-teas:

Austeri-Tea No one actually has any idea what it is, but everyone demonstratively hates it.

Sobrie-Tea Straight out of Ireland, this drink is infused with a mixture of 7

straight whiskeys and a blend of the freshest shamrock leaves. There are also other leaves which cannot be mentioned publicly, but trust us, they’re brewed with pots of gold.

What’s more, if you get lucky, you might even get a hint of ginger.

Royal-Tea Inspired by Queen Elizabeth the ‘Second’, Royal-Tea is meant to be consumed at extremely rapid rates rather than sipped or enjoyed.

Optimal consumption occurs when taken in in one second or less.

MERTeaW A newly created Canadian tea is made from denim and plaid leaves ripped from the clothing of Canadian hockey players now on a biannual basis. Only the highest quality of leaves are selected, which is the reason that those from Toronto have not been part of the recipe for many years. Doctors have publicized that MERTeaW has several potential side effects, including a lack of memory, friends seemingly inventing rumours of you questionable activities, as well as a strong desire to chug, drink from straws, flip cups, and retire in Mexico.

Christiani-Tea Like Christmas come early! This drink has many followers and, even when you’re cross with someone, it makes every day feel like a holiday.

Some say the taste is so heavenly, it’s as if it was god sent. Only offered for a limited time, it will certainly try to make a comeback. Also the perfect drink to make on a good Friday or after an unsuccessful game of rugby.

Printed at Copi-EUS

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U of Tea Sold in an enormous cup, all customers who buy this tea will be assigned a number which they will be referred to as. All numbers’ preference will be noted provided that it is most beneficial to all the numbers’ preferences.

U of Tea has also recently increased in national rankings, disappointing other renowned teas which were traditionally ranked as the best. Despite its success, many say that it is Hell.

Securi-Tea Priced as a high-end luxury you have to have, you’ll want to radio all your friends to take care of the strong feelings it induces. However, despite the best of intentions, you’ll find it actually does nothing for you.

Equi-Tea While the leaves are grown in moderation immediately south of the Milton Gates in downtown Montréal, this tea is primarily grown in the far reaches of the west side of McGill Campus. Particularly when there are perceived shortages, EquiTea has been known to cause great deal of unrest. Studies have shown that certain demographics are more susceptible to it and exhibit more severe reactions; however, it has also been demonstrated that otherwise unprecedented nor explainable demographics have also not received it well at all. The question has been asked, “Should people really be forcing this down our throats?”

Note: should not be consumed by iguanas or their owners.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Mana-Tea

For a short spell, certain members of the fantastical gaming community believed that this tea would increase one’s power and prestige. However, almost magically, sales quickly declined as the taste was found to be a little fishy, resembled seasalt and was incredibly fattening. An overwhelming number of tasters contacted DAVIDsDEA, stating that it resulted in horrifying flashbacks of nights with Giggles’ mom.

Tea Swift

Definitely a crowd favourite, DAVIDsDEA is praised for making such a mean cup of tea after its 22 years. Despite the emotional separation of two brands which changed the brand from ‘Ours’ to ‘Mine’, DAVIDsDEA was able to shake it off. They are quoted as saying that “everything has changed” and are “never getting back together.”

The full story of the separation can be found in the anthology The Story of Us co-written by of the two founders, Stephen and Drew, from Pennsylvania and Whitehorse respectively. Tea Swift has a long love story with its customers and will never go out of style. New red cups are currently being introduced with a blank space where the customer’s name will be written.

Tit-Teas This very popular line of teas has a very round character and aroma. When out on dates, regular attention and eye contact have been greatly reduced as Tit-Teas appeal can be very distracting.

This distraction phenomenon is nearly irreversible when Tit-Teas are served in the extra large David’s Double Dea cups.

Chasti-Tea This takes too long, so fuck it.

Virgini-Tea

Often confused for ChastiTea, Virgini-Tea was originally created and maintained by McGill Engineers – particularly those primarily residing in the Trottier Building. The pride and dedication to their Virgini-Tea was so strong that even the female research team for Aphrodi-Tea has given up speaking to those Engineers. While working hard to ensure that their tea does not become like the less desirable S.Tea.I., they have greatly reduced all social contact. Rumour has it, however, that the recipe for Virgini-Tea was lost during the Engineers’ involvement working with MERTeaW.

S.Tea.I. The process of acquiring this tea is usually quite enjoyable; however, the consumer is usually left with an extremely long-lasting, or even permanent, unpleasant aftertaste.

Consumers of S.Tea.I. are known to be some of the most generous consumers of DAVIDsDea as they are readily willing to share with whomever is willing to try it.

Strip Teas DAVIDsDEA’s line of Strip Teas are some of the hottest offered, allowing for the enjoyment of all the naked flavours. These teas are very exciting, but are often finished before you are fully satisfied. You are usually left wanting more. These are also best enjoyed by first slowly taking off the cup’s protective sleeve, followed by the lid one side at a time. Strip Teas are also the most often found all over your lap and leaving you with fluids all over your pants.

Six-Tea Nine Six-Tea Nine is best when shared as a couple – or a complete stranger –

An EUS Publication

as it can be found pleasurable by both people at the same time. Very frequently results in people licking their lips.

Academic Integri-Tea The recipe for this tea was illegally borrowed from another harder working tea company.

DAVIDsDEA was able to acquire the company’s office blueprints and take it off their desk. However, this did not catch the attention of any professors or invigilators and the action was not deemed to be an offense by the ombudsperson. This recipe is now readily available as a copyright-infringed and plagiarized document on Dropbox and Docuum.

Facul-Tea There are many different FaculTeas. Some are treated with more respect and designed for more intelligent or qualified people.

Some people to combine them.

Also, sometimes, people want to switch halfway through finishing this tea. When all Facul-Teas are mixed each year in mid-March, the result is exceptionally enjoyable for all. This is especially the case if large amounts of alcohol are added.

Universi-Tea Very likely the best tea of your life. Many people will enjoy this tea with you – often even enjoying it too much. Especially for those enjoying it most, Universi-Tea usually takes more time to finish than expect. Further, when it is finished, very few people have any idea what they were doing and don’t know what to do next.

Proximi-Tea We haven’t actually come up with it yet, but we’re very close.

April 23rd, 2015

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

by Liquid Giggles Hey buddy, what’s the matter?

You look so glum! Here, why don’t you have a seat on Uncle Giggle’s lap? Now, tell me what you are so worried about, and I’ll tell you why everything is going to be alright.

I’m afraid that I’m going to fail all my courses…

There, there, that’s what everyone in the class is saying, but class failure rates seldom exceed 10%. So your odds are pretty good! But even if you do fail all your courses, all that happens is that you get to spend another year in beautiful Montreal, living the exciting life of a student. You might get a bit more indebted, but that won’t matter much once you are earning an engineer’s salary. This is the best time of your life, so why not prolong it?

What if ISIS wins?

ISIS-schmisis. They’re more overhyped than Segways. But even if these Eastern extremists did tear the fabric of our western society to shreds, the ensuing chaos and poverty would bring forth the rise of the Western extremist, who would be able to counter the invaders and produce a natural equilibrium of violence.

You would be beset with hunger and poverty, living in a broken society ruled by radicals, but at least they would be your radicals.

World population is going to increase by 40% by 2050, and as poor countries develop, they will produce more and more CO2 per head, no matter what we do in the West. Unless you engineer some miracle technology, we’ve already lost this battle. But remember that we’re in Canada, where things are a bit too cold anyway. A 4o C temperature jump will turn the Arctic into the Prairies and the Prairies into the Midwest. The Newfies will become rich, as Newfoundland becomes the new Manhattan.

Quebec and Ontario will be able to extend the football season with the northern migration of the New England weather. And BC will start harvesting watermelons, oranges, and avocados! I haven’t checked this with a scientist, but rest assured that we cannot lose.

The economy is always on the brink of collapse!

It has been on the brink for 80 years, and everyone who was worrying about another Depression during that time would have been much better off thinking about cats and boobies. But even if we did have a Depression, it’s not the end of the world. My grandpappy grew up during the depression in the slums of Montreal, and it built character. But if you’re really worried, buy yourself some gold and guns now, and you’ll do ok no matter what happens.

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Putin’s getting pouty.

Oh, we’ve had problems with Russia before, and you’re too young to realize how tense it was during the Cold War. Like Ash and Team Rocket, Colonel Hogan and Colonel Clink, or Apple products and fiscal responsibility, a bit of rivalry keeps things interesting and adds some spice to life.

Unless the nukes start flying, we can now look forward to a few decades of entertainment. And if the nukes DO fly, you’ll disappear before you even know it!

I am afraid that I may never find someone I want to spend my life with You may think that there’s a big gulf between bed mates and soul mates, but that’s all modern romanticism. Back in the day, if there were two singles in the same village of the same approximate age, it was a given that they would marry. Marriage only required proximity to be feasible, and a modicum of lust would seal the deal. Just ask Romeo and Juliet.

You may not see any soul mates now, but as your biological clock ticks on, you are going to be seeing them everywhere. And as long as you keep a steady job and don’t get too fat or eccentric, they are going to start flocking to you, because their clocks are ticking too. Just hope that they haven’t become too fat and eccentric themselves.

That’s better, nice to see that frown upside-down! Remember, the world is a big and scary place, but it will work out for you in the end. Don’t worry, be happy!

Global warming is getting worse and worse!

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

The PPO: A Year in Review

by Jack to the Smoocher & Sindbad the Salad Tosser Well folks, it’s been a busy year for that labcoat-wearing, smelly, chanting crew. From begging for your change at the Roddick Gates to serenading you in classes, the Plumbers’ Philharmonic Orchestra has raised quite a bit of money for charity throughout the 2014 / 2015 school year – approximately 4,437.56$!

It all started in the fall, with the Loonie Line we held in October, helping raise over 800$ which was donated to EWB to help develop Canadian initiatives. We then upped the ante by raising over 2300$ in November for McGill’s Relay for Life. Finally, we ended 2014 on a holly-jolly note, taking photos with one of our most prestigious members (and only one to don a

red labcoat), Santa’s Little Handjobs!

2015 started off with a bang, breaking into the new year with major E-week participation and involvement in the various McGill January shenanigans. In addition to raising money, we also went to various games to cheer on our ever-so talented Redmen in their quest for the title in the East. On top of that, a pack of degenerate delegates made their way out east to UNB observe and commemorate the birth of a new rowdy group dubbed “The Gearheads of Funswick”. Look out for their slick soon-to-be stained flight suits taking flight this fall at MERTW. This could be the birth of the greatest eastcoast beast-coast secret-not-sosubtle society orgy Canada has ever seen.

Last

Friday,

April

SPROTS! SPROTS! SPROTS! An EUS Publication

10th,

marked their last Blues Pub of the semester – The Secret Service Blues Pub – and we must say, it was a rowdy one to not remember for the ages, breaking the record with 130 cases sold!

Those of you brave enough spun the Wheel of Misfortune and received a free BEvERage for your efforts.

But don’t worry, we’re not done yet for the year. Other things to look forward to this year involve de-stress exam time cookies. It may not be a bottle of Johnny Walker or Redbull, but it’s the original feel good exam snack from your friendly, not so anonymous Plumbers’ Philharmonic Orchestra. You can also look forward to using a labcoat to clean up spills during OAP Lite – we’re ready and willing to help out those in need. Come volunteer if you get the chance, it’s great to see how OAP works from behind the bar.

Finally, look forward to our ultimate end of year bash!! Just when you thought we had real lives and hobbies outside of EUS events, WE’RE PROVING YOU WRONG. On May 22nd, the PPO will be hosting a balls-towall summer rager Blues Pub theme to be decided. The goal is to break the all-time record of selling over 130 cases (previously established by the PPO at Rowdy Day). Help us break this record, our livers, and sense of summer serenity by raging with us one last time this school year!

April 23rd, 2015

Moon Landing: The Things NASA Never

Wanted You to Know

by Michael Kratsios As many of you probably know, the first humans to ever land on the moon did so on July 20th, 1969 (they were actually ready in ’68, but decided to wait a year, for the jokes). That was without a doubt one of the greatest moments of the past century: a remarkable day indeed. The entire trip took just over 8 days from the time the rocket left Earth to the time it returned. The three members on the flight were Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins, the first two of whom have a degree in engineering!

Most people have seen the clip of the first few moments on the moon and the famous sentence: “That was one small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind.” However, most people don’t know all the crazy stories that happened during the rest of the eight-day trip. In fact, that information is still highly classified. Nevertheless, for the sake of this very article I decided to unveil one of NASA’s highly classified documents for the entertainment of you, the reader! What is revealed is beyond anything I could have imagined; I don’t know where to start, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning. It all started in the “evening” (with respect to the time zone of where they left off) of the first day: Aboard Apollo 11, in a galaxy close, in a time when Pluto was still a planet.

Neil Armstrong: I can’t believe this is happening!

Isn’t this amazing? We’re going to be the first men to land on the moon!

Michael Collins: Yeah, pretty crazy! And look at the view of Earth, simply breathtaking.

Neil Armstrong: It truly is amazing. I couldn’t ask for anything else.

Buzz Aldrin: Well, you know what would make this even better? A few cool beers.

Michael Collins: Haha, you engineers can’t last a few days without beer. Why not drink something less alcoholic and more thirst quenching, like Tang or plain water?

Neil Armstrong: What do you have against beer?

Buzz Aldrin: Don’t insult beer!

Michael Collins: Well, either way, there’s no point in arguing too much about this, as there’s no beer here anyway.

Neil Armstrong: What makes you say that? Hehehe.

Michael Collins: Oh no… what did you do?

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Buzz Aldrin: Oh relax. Me and Neil just snuck a few

beers on board for the trip.

Michael Collins: Are you guys crazy?!

Neil Armstrong: Haha, relaaax.

Buzz Aldrin: Here, Michael! Have the first one, it’s real American beer. The taste is out of this world!

Michael Collins: No way.

Neil Armstrong: Come on- just one. Here, I’ll open it for you. *opens it* Michael Collins: Fine. Just one though.

Neil Armstrong: Can you drink any slower?

Michael Collins: Drinking in zero gravity is harder than it looks. I’m sure you two wouldn’t be much better.

Buzz Aldrin: I’m sure we would.

Michael Collins: Just ’cause I’m not an engineer doesn’t mean I can’t chug. I was one of the fastest in my class in test pilot school. I once chugged a beer in five seconds! My nickname was Louis W. Jr., after the first man to fly the fastest jet in the world, the Blackbird SR-71.

Neil Armstrong: 5 seconds? Haha, what are you, a girl? Your nickname should have been Amelia Earhart.

Buzz Aldrin: Hey Amelia! Wanna have a chug-off with me?

Michael Collins: Don’t call me that! And I thought this was supposed to be a few casual beers?

Neil Armstrong: Are you scared?

Michael Collins: No! Buzz Aldrin: I think he is! It’s ok. A lot of people are chicken. Poc poc poc poc!

Michael Collins: Fine! Just one chug-off, then.

Neil Armstrong: Ok, I’ll be the judge. Ready? BOAT RACES, BOAT RACES- SMELLS LIKE BOAT, TASTE LIKE RACES! BOAT RACES, BOAT RACESTASTE LIKE BOAT, SMELL LIKE RACES, Go! *they chug* Buzz Aldrin: I win! Although I’ll admit you’re better than I thought.

Neil Armstrong: Wait, I wanna try. Me against

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1 Collins.

Michael Collins: Two in a row? No way!

Neil Armstrong: Don’t be a baby!

Buzz Aldrin: How ’bout this. I’ll drink two and you’ll

only drink one. If you win, no more beer for the rest of the night. BUT -- if I win, then we keep drinking.

Michael Collins: Deal!

Buzz Aldrin: Ok, I’ll be the judge this time. Ready?

BOAT RACES, BOAT RACES- SMELLS LIKE BOAT, TASTE LIKE RACES! BOAT RACES, BOAT RACESTASTE LIKE BOAT, SMELL LIKE RACES, Go! *they chug* Michael Collins: How did you do that? You chugged faster in space than I could probably chug on land.

Neil Armstrong: Hehehe! Looks like we’re still drinking then!

Michael Collins: What did I get myself into…?

Quite a few beers later….

Buzz Aldrin: Hey, you know, we never decided who’s gonna walk on the moon and who’s gonna stay in the ship once we land.

All three at the same time: SHOTGUN! Michael Collins: We can’t all go.

Buzz Aldrin: Let’s let a drinking game decide who’ll stay.

Michael Collins: No way! You guys always beer meI mean, beat me.

Neil Armstrong: We’ll give you a huge handicap.

Michael Collins: Not a chance.

Buzz Aldrin: Stop being so boring.

Michael Collins: Ok fine how ’bout this: I’ll put an empty cup here. If you can sink a die into it in less than three attempts from three metres away in the style of beer-die, then I’ll be the one to stay on the ship.

Neil Armstrong: Is that it?

Michael Collins: Hahaha, yeah!

Buzz Aldrin: I don’t get it? Where’s the challenge?

Michael Collins: Ummm, zero gravity…. Good luck shooting a die and then making it land in the cup. It’s usually rare enough on land, but I don’t even think it’s physically possible in space.

Neil Armstrong: DEAL! Michael Collins: What? Ok, suit yourself. I guess the name Michael Collins will forever be

associated with the first landing on the moon. Neil Armstrong will just be the man who was sitting in the ship in the meantime.

Hahahaha! Idiot.

Neil Armstrong: Let’s just do this.

Michael Collins: I was gonna wait ’til later, but get this, I already thought of what to say when I land: “That was one small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind.”

Neil Armstrong: Wow! That’s pretty good actually! Can’t wait to use it when I land on the moon! Hehehe!

Michael Collins: Look at Mr. Confident, there’s no way you’re actually gonna sink it.

Neil Armstrong: I don’t know why you think this is so hard. All I have to do is shoot the die with a significant enough angular momentum that will cause the boundary layer of the surrounding air to become asymmetric about the center axis of the dice thus causing the die to have a greater pressure gradient on the upper portion, which will cause the die to move downwards after the die is thrown from my hand and thus land directly into the cup....

Michael Collins: What? How drunk are you? I don’t even think that was English.

Neil Armstrong: English? It’s engineering! Haven’t you ever taken a fluid dynamics course? Oh, I guess they didn’t teach that in non-engineering school. Hahah, well, joke’s on you! Watch and learn. *sinks it on his first shot* Neil Armstrong: Ahahhaha, easy-peasy! Never challenge an engineer to anything beer related!

Michael Collins was speechless, and soon after passed out while Neil and Buzz drank the “night” away. The rest of the trip was filled with similar debaucherous activity, all of which involved beating Michael Collins at anything drinking related and thus further proving engineering’s superiority. The few hours before the landing even included one of the most epic pre-drinks in history. All in all, it truly was an amazing beer-filled adventure, but, really, what else would you expect from a few engineers?

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April 23rd, 2015

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The Life and Times of a Triggered

by Rachelle MouEre and Weapon of Misogynistic Cumsumption Tr i d e t r a n s t o w e l g e n d e r e d Parahelioromantic lard-positive transracial white-latino-blackpolynesian passing cat kin, bird kin, tree kin, ocean kin, red ant kin, trigger kin.

my towel gender identity by her objectification of a towel. I hope the upsidedown rainbow safespace triangle murders her in her sleep.

Preferred pronouns: Qwerter, yuiopself or asdfgself. Hjklself or apcvwiwocvdgsduer may be used on the 3rd Tuesday of every month that has less than 7 letters. Zxcvber or mnbvcccccslef may be used on the 5th Friday after ever 3rd full moon but not if the year is divisible by 327 or 254.

9:07am Put on 6.9 kilograms of

8:30am Wake up.

8:31am Take a deep breath. I can smell the patriarchy in the air. TRIGGERED

make-up.

9:13am Roommate

asks what I’m making for breakfast.

TRIGGERED. Breakfast is an oppressive heteronormative device made by the white man so that they can fire torpedoes filled with cancer and aids syrup at us.

Or “getting vaccinated”, as the patriarchy calls it.

Roommate 8:34am Roll out of bed, and head 9:14am to bathroom.

8:38am An ant crawls across

my floor. TRIGGERED. The black imperialist colonialist ant promotes the institutionalized oppression of AOC’s (ants of colour). The antriarchy is real.

8:39am Attempt to chase the

ant but it’s too fast.

TRIGGERED. Goddamn ableist ant. Check your velocity privilege you cisgendered white male insect.

8:40am Get a little moist from making the ant check its privilege.

9:00am Enter

bathroom.

Notice towel on the floor. TRIGGERED. My roommate is assaulting

is eating frosted flakes.

More like frosted patriarchy.

TRIGGERED. How does she not understand that Tony the Tiger is oppressive cultural appropriation of my kin-type played into the unapologetic commodification of species for white people consumption?

9:15am Open

fridge.

Notice roommate has purchased a tomato. TRIGGERED. Farming is vegetable slavery. She is promoting the oppression of my kin type. I hope the upsidedown rainbow safespace triangle murders her in her sleep AND dismembers her dead body.

9:44am Stand at my front door preparing

myself

Printed at Copi-EUS

for

one of my daily biggest triggers.

9:45am Alright. Here we go. Open

door. There they are. The stairs.

(TRIGGERED)2.

I can feel the ableist patriarchal radiation trying to penetrate my delicate feminist skin.

9:46am Take first step. Ankle

skin starts to burn from the patriradiation. How the dare the white male ableist socio-economically privileged government not spend billions of dollars to have elevators installed for every single staircase.

**for those wondering, patriradiation does follow an inverse square law**

10:07am TRIGGERED. reason.

For

no

10:08am See

homeless man.

TRIGGERED. Spit on him.

F*cking cis-gendered scum.

10:14am Pass by a park and see a

child hanging from a tree.

TRIGGERED. How dare that 8 year old oppress that tree.

10:15am Pull child off tree and

punch him in the stomach.

Mother comes over.

“Don’t worry. I was just helping your son check his privilege”. She starts yelling at me. Clearly she has been brainwashed the patriarchy. I bet she even shaves her armpits.

Disgusting.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

10:16am “Did you just punch my son? What is wrong with you??” Son? TRIGGERED. How dare you gender your son just because he has a penis and was born with Y-chromosome. You probably bought him Legos for his birthday.

Repulsive. This is 2015 he could be a female sea sponge trapped in a human body for all we know.

10:17am I orgasm a bit from the privilege checking.

10:18am She calls police, more

like the government oppression militaryindustrial complex capitalist army. I call child protective services. Don’t get through because they’ve blocked my number. And just because I call them about 69 times a day to complain about how all parents oppress their children. And also the patriarchy.

10:23am The

governmental oppression militaryindustrial complex capitalist soldiers arrive, so I stage a sit-in, and quietly sit on the sidewalk.

The oppressors watch, confused.

10:32am I see a parking sign.

TRIGGERED. No one knows about how the imperialist vowels oppress the consonants. The vowels need to check to phonetic priveledge. Except for Y. Y is transconsonent as is the most oppressed of all.

10:46am I

notice

two

socioeconomically privileged white s u p r e m a c i s t neurotypical capitalist ableist cis-gendered heteronormative patriarchal males talking about their workout they just did. (TRIGGERED)3.

Both my femurs shatter from the triggering and the immense oppression.

blood, 1 part ocean water and 2 parts ant blood. But red ant, not colonist black ant blood.

1:52pm Dr.

Patriarchy: “That will probably kill you” TRIGGERED. How dare someone with numerable years of experience in medicine tell me what’s good for my body. Its muh genetics. God these cis-gendered scums just can’t stop oppressing me.

Doesn’t he know that Medicine is an art, not a science?

10:47am The

2 cis-gendered oppressors run over.

“Oh my god Ma’am are you okay? We’ll call an ambulance right away”.

Ma’am? TRIGGERED. Yell at them for assuming that I’m a woman. I’m a tridetranstowelgendered parahelioromantic. How close minded can these cis-gendered capitalist scums be?

2:00pm Decide that I’m also

airplane kin, so 1 part jet fuel needs to be added to my blood transfusion.

2:17pm The

patriopressoracists who called the ambulance stop by to see how I’m doing. All 6.02x1023 of my triggers are activated. My heart explodes. I die.

10:48am One

of the patriarchoppressors touches my arm in an attempt to get me more comfortable. I did not give him permission.

TRIGGERED. “HELP HELP IM BEING ASSAULTED SOMEONE HELP” Naturally everyone passing by is too brainwashed to see how clearly I’m being assaulted right now.

2:30pm Can’t wait to join all my fellow privilege checkers in heaven.

2:31pm Go to hell instead. Fucking

socioeconomically privileged white s u p r e m a c i s t neurotypical capitalist ableist cis-gendered heteronormative patriarchal males taking over heaven. They just can’t handle how kindhearted I am.

1:48pm I awake from what I can only assume was horse tranquilizer. I am horsekin, so NOT TRIGGERED.

1:51pm I explain to Dr. Patriarchy 2:32pm The that due to my kin types my blood transfusion needs to be done with 1 part cat blood, 2 parts horse blood, 3 parts tree

An EUS Publication

devil TRIGGERED.

∞:∞

is

male.

Burn forever in the eternal triggering fires of hell.

TRIGGERED.

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April 23rd, 2015

What to do with Your Summer

by Liquid Giggles Well, the internship hunt was a failure. The collapse in oil prices meant no oil internships, and flooded the already Spartan internship market with unemployed would-be oilnterns. It doesn’t help that you only applied to 4 companies with a handwritten CV and cover letter you slapped together minutes before the posting closed. And now you have a whole summer ahead of you, and you don’t know what you’re going to do. But have no fear, for the Faucet has some options!

1.

You could bum around Montreal, being happily funemployed and enjoying the city at the time of year that it is at its best.

Sun! Patios! Tamtams! Members of your desired gender wearing relatively little clothing! You’re going to blow through any money you don’t have and you won’t have much to show for it in terms of employable experience, but damn you’ll be happy. At least until the bills start rolling in, or when it comes time to start looking for another internship next summer. could do what I did: go 2. You back home and hang out. You

get to live cheap and spend some time with your family again (your parents are getting old, life is short, and you’re only going to have two weeks of vacation to visit them with once you have a real job). You can also try to accomplish #3 or #5 while doing this. If you haven’t grown too far apart from your high school friends, you might even get to hang out with them. Though chances are you’ll have a lot of alone time, which will lead to a lot of masturbation, or in my case, video game playing. Man, my Gamerscore went up like 10 or 20

thousand that summer. For those who don’t play XBox, that’s a lot.

They weren’t impressed during the job interview though when I tried to explain to them how much that means. if you have 3. Self-improvement: chosen # 1 or #2, you can do this

one on the side. Learn French. Get fit. Learn magic tricks. Write with your left-hand until you become ambidextrous. Whatever floats your boat. Imagine the interviewer asking, “what did you do last summer”, and you being able to say “J’ai apprendre le francais”. It’s kind of a Catch-22 (which you coincidentally read to while the days away), because if you had that sort of self-discipline, then maybe you would have sent out more than 4 CVs and would have a job. classes. If they have 4. Summer good summer classes in your

major, then you can do #1 and be able to tell parents and future job interviewers that you “decided to focus on academics”. In reality though, summer classes are just an excuse to be able to drink in Montreal, and they also allow you to take a lighter course load during the school year, so that you can do even more drinking in Montreal.

Here’s the catch though: at the end of April you will have completed 8 gruelling months of coursework, and your friends will be celebrating the greatest feeling on earth, that they are done for 4 months. And you are going to be sitting there, knowing that on Monday you are starting all over again with 6 hours of the same old shit.

This is definitely the most 5. Travel. fun thing to do – even more fun

than Montreal. You are going to have

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2 weeks’ vacation when you start your real job. One of those weeks will be used to visit parents, while the other week will be used to go to Paris to take a picture of the Eiffel tower with a flock of middle-aged tourists before going home. Adulthood is hell, so this summer you have a rare opportunity to actually spend 4 months travelling wherever you want. Grab a backpack and a buddy, and bum around from country to country. You’ll probably have to go deep into debt to make this work, but hey, this sort of experience is priceless…. right?

You can try to swing what my brother managed to swing of course.

Our Czech Aunt connected him with friends in Prague, who gave him free room and board in exchange for a few hours of English lessons per day.

So he got to travel cheap, and had something he could kinda-sorta put on his CV. Bastard. a non-engineering job: This 6. Find is the default that a lot of people

do. We all need money unfortunately, and sometimes you can’t write off the summer just because you can’t be a spreadsheet monkey for Pratt & Whitney. You may find it tempting then to return to that service industry job you had back in high school, serving greasy hamburgers to people who look like greasy hamburgers.

But hold up! Service industry jobs don’t stand out on an engineering CV. You need a different job – anything different. Do grunt work in an office.

Be a mechanic’s assistant. As long as you aren’t the sort of worker that an interviewer encounters in every day life, you can convince him that whatever you were doing was interesting, rewarding, and relevant to whatever you are being interviewed for. You might want to avoid working at Super Sexe though.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

An Ode to Chateau Aylmer

But here we slam case after case from our Super Dep.

by Red Light Do Right

Surf’s Up! Easter Party

The Beginnings of Chateau Aylmer

A holiday based solely ‘round chocolate and eggs Gets a thousand times better if combined with kegs.

In the heart of the Ghetto there was one prime location Which would grow as a focus of much intoxication.

There are many a drinking place surrounding McGill But few leave you with your blood so distilled.

In a cozy basement on Aylmer, 3552B With the door always open, it was the place to be.

Mere stumbling distance of that Pub we call Blues Plateau or Chateau, you knew what to choose.

In no time at all, it was known for its madness Just say party at Chateau, no need for an address.

What went on in the Chateau was clearly no mystery Adding another fine chapter into McGill history.

You knew it’d be bouncin’ and going nonstop ‘Cause both beer and rabbits are loaded with hops.

But one Tuesday Civil’s sobriety got out of hand They stumbled upon a 60’s surf band.

The most chill you can be as three middle-aged men Inspired a party where we could all hang ten.

Mixing summertime surfing with bunnies and chicks Plenty of cute ones rode your longboard for kicks.

Apartment Crawls

If not enough people were already passing through The Chateau welcomed all apartment crawls too.

Understand there are moments we don’t remember But here are many we should since 2012 in September.

Always there for anyone thirsty for alcohol Civvies, PPO, ECSESS, OAP et al.

Frosh – Hawaii 5-O Week

Seeing my roommate at the ECSESS crawl was rare He usually hid at school since it was safer there.

With an unsuspecting landlord and lease newly signed All the Chateau shenanigans soon would unwind.

It was the young’ns who got the era’s first real peek Corrupting the new kids for Hawaii 5-O Week.

Giggles and Red Light were partners in crime To bring team Abloha an (un)forgettable time.

The Sunday Crawl made day drinking a blast By popular demand Chateau was the first stop and last.

Dr. Seuss E-Week Every planned operation needs a home base Sober Civil’s choice was obviously this place.

Spirited chanting, chugging and dirty Drunktionary Marked the beginning of McGill life one so legendary.

The ultimate pre’s goal was to put on a show Coords had no idea, oh the places they’d go.

As the records say, that was event number one Inspired to go big and go home, the era had begun.

Stairs are obsolete, a thing of olden days It is much more efficient to ride down on sleighs.

New Year’s Eve Eve – TAILGATE Party

Thank goodness it’s cold and thank goodness it snowed Civil constructed Mount Cumpit to sled into the road.

It’s good to have a party up your plaid sleeve Such as throwing a rager on New Year’s Eve Eve.

Meanwhile on the inside activities a-plenty Think butter, cream, chugging, and licking intently.

With a BC flight arriving at 19:18 There’s really only one thing that could mean.

A winter holiday party was scheduled for good country times Chateau’s barn doors were thrown open precisely at nine.

Western cowfolk can line dance and two-step

The night was a blur, but Civil broke the mould Chaos like that deserved nothing but gold.

C.O.R.R.U.P.T.E.D. Vast overlaps existed between being in charge And actively corrupting the public at large.

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015 The end of a dynasty and the sober ruler supreme Meant crowning another to head Civil’s team.

Taking the throne midnight on May first Necessitated an event which quenches all thirst.

Lit and glowing was the first concrete ever cast At Chateau Aylmer the official torch was passed.

First it seemed innocent with nothing to fear.

Soon everything began to get thrown for a loop Even caught him dancing there with a hoola hoop.

Another day he and the ceiling hole were plastered It was obvious that roommate friendship was mastered.

4-Floors Post-drink

DisnE-Week

One Thursday night just around Halloween Came another gathering totally unforeseen.

When Disney was your whole life as a child Bringing it back at McGill is bound to get wild.

SSMU Club was buzzing on every floor But when it came to an end, we wanted some more.

Soberella embraced the theme set on the win Had to walk the Chateau’s plank just to get in.

Upon talking to strangers, it was agreed That a few more drinks was just what we did need.

Such pirate-like thirst seen only by Peter Pan The soberest of Civvies post-drank 3-man.

A gang of new friends assembled a parade To partake in a 4-Floors post-drink charade.

Ceiling punching excitement quickly unfurled And Civil could soon show you a hole new world.

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Carnival – Rue Aylmer Meets Sexame Street Chateau Aylmer had not yet experienced MUS So was eager to endure a new organized mess.

A lifting magic carpet ride made us feel free While Ariel swam around in the bathtub sea.

To wrap up what was one magical night A hunger for spirit served a spaghetti food fight.

With much less rehearsal than for ‘Be Our Guest’ The Chateau stop was once again deemed best.

Representing a show that taught us to count A dozen 40’s of rum seemed a decent amount.

Upon returning from defacing a ski hill The Nookie Monsters were preparing a thrill.

In flurry of feathers, liquor and glitter Partied ‘til we’re knocked out, no one likes a quitter.

Taking more damage than our combined livers Big Bird’s passing gave us all shivers.

Losing your loved mascot isn’t easy to take So drowned all emotions with booze at his wake.

Developing a Reputation It often was said that the Chateau had a reputation For contributing to everything except education.

Sober Civil

The Third Roommate

As largely demonstrated the Chateau had a trend And along for most rides was one corrupted friend.

The most valuable gift anybody could give Is the key to your house, sharing the home where you live.

Santa could now come in more than once a year

So an ABC party was held to prove them wrong Entwined with chugging, slap cup and beer pong.

Host St. Paddy’s, pre- and post- Colloq, and OAP taste test And select few have taken shots from a snow-woman’s chest.

We know life is precious and we should seize every day Never missing a night might just have been the best way.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

Monday Morning BOATRACES

BOATRACES had begun and taken full form In no time, reality was taken by storm.

(January 2013 – April 2014)

Now there’s more, Chateau Aylmer has yet another true tale Of the early morning consumption of lager and ale.

One semester there arrived a dreaded eight thirty For which no one was down, no one was that nerdy.

Attendance helps grades and skipping is treason So the president did his duty and provided a reason.

So few would wake up to learn and to think But the incentive was there if first they would drink.

So, it was scheduled at eight with a half hour to spare To perform a quick boat race and then make it there.

Stories of that Monday took all our combined memories to tell Like eggs were no longer eaten, just chugged from the shell.

Boom box blasted the Ghetto with Aqua and country Then a very literal Pour Some Sugar on Me. Mankind can surprise us and with booze even more so But still a two foot hole can fit only a torso.

They say liquor then beer and you’re in the clear But repeated alternations are something to fear.

One senior class quiz gave a pre-noon time crunch Fine preparation losing your lunch before lunch.

For a department of Civil devoted and sober Knew any other plans for Monday mornings were over.

Went into the test with low hopes from the beginning Barely stayed on the chair since the classroom was spinning.

On the first day, we saw increased attendance But in many after, alcohol dependence.

At the Chateau, friends came and they went With little regard for how much time they spent.

Though solely educational gains were sought This series of events led to much more than we thought.

The Monday of All Mondays

The first Monday went along with the intent While the second became a day-long event

What happened outside no one would know Because in this haven, all just went with the flow.

Debauchery at it’s finest. After nearly ten solid hours of purely day drinking

Took one moment’s pause do some quick thinking.

Many a Civvie had prepared to awaken Knowing they were in for beer, breakfast, and bacon.

From miles around they paraded down this street Not knowing how much they were in for a treat.

Fired up bacon and eggs and ready to dine Then added Bailey’s, gin and classed up with wine.

As is the reason for starting weekly tradition Nobody just sipped, but drank in competition.

Tempted to stay and shrug it off as a fool Remembered an event needed her at the school.

Back to the real world after a Monday so loco Strolled down to Tim’s to pick up some cocoa.

Turned up the street but there was nowhere to go For the road was blocked with knee deep H20.

Tried to backtrack and find another route But found the situation just as destitute.

Lined up the table on the left and the right And each downed beer with all of their might.

Marched on through the pond expecting the others would to But was left to fly solo, feet turning blue.

Cracked open a two-four then forty-eight Then soon realized they might get to class late.

History recalls hearing one lass who says

An EUS Publication

April 23rd, 2015 “I found just this dry spot, but must make it to Rez”.

With a knight’s valour, still could have proceeded ahead But shame on those who say chivalry is dead.

“Ma’lady, I will be your boat to reach the other side But only if in me you will confide”.

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Au contraire, we were the first to arrive by far And the best waiting room was the airport bar.

Mexican tequila shots helped us get ready Kept all kinds of drinks coming in steady.

Upon generously offering the service The damsel in distress seemed nervous,

Then third to arrive was a third Sober hero Having missed the first phases, made us all restart from zero.

But she was picked up, swept off her feet Braving the current crossing the street.

Soared for early Monday morning bar tab high scores And airport sobriety levels rarely seen before.

Concerned for being dropped, her faith began to waver Then was quickly reminded who was getting the favour.

Many would have guessed there were problems mentally When reenacting that flying song by Dierks Bentley.

High and dry, placed safely on the Rez side After a few moments’ acquaintance they’d already said goodbyed.

The stories from down south are for a later date But that week in Cancun had us believing in fate.

Flash forward nine months to one Blues Pub night Where the young lady and her rescuer would reunite.

Something must have aligned in the stars For Civil’s room was destined to be ours.

But back on the Venice-like streets was one more mighty stream The crusader would overcome to complete this dream.

Chateau Aylmer’s 3552 address is truly divine A holiday in room 2355 was surely a sign.

One last EUS boat race capped off a day so worthy of praise And such is the legend of the Monday of all Mondays.

While we may come upon even more perfect places This room gave birth to international BOATRACES.

The Grand Finale

Pre-Cancun Special Edition BOATRACES

On occasion, other events coincided with BOATRACES Even two weeks apart, St. Paddy’s and a tropical oasis.

Cancun was calling for a true student’s Spring Break There would be no reading that week, make no mistake.

Traveling the world with McGill on a Mexico-bound flight Taking to the skies on Monday morning to our great delight.

Departure was at eight and so was the tradition So we needed 4:30 BOATRACES, special edition.

No sleep was planned, just packing procrastination So stayed up and killed Coronas for Mexican inspiration.

When the glorious time came to crack beers and meet Another keen Civvie joined from down the same famous street.

As we carry on, we see how quickly time passes Even if passing is not so quick in our classes.

The day had to come when the era went to someone new To take the legacy and memories and then add a few.

A curiosity exists to see what will have followed Take a case and knock on the door one day down the road.

Never has there been a more beautiful three years So the looming farewell had some holding back tears.

Words do not do justice to all that Chateau Aylmer meant It was not just a series of parties or a place people went.

A welcoming place, in how all roads lead to Rome Chateau Aylmer was a place we could always call home.

With a healthy head start before the dawn Jumped in a cab and to the airport we were gone.

Acronyms from VP Wordplay

The group was convinced that we’d get left behind Miss the flight, for having too many distractions in mind

BOATRACES = Breakfast Organized and Approved by a Thoughtful and Respectful Assembly of Civil Engineering Students

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

CIVIL = Chugging Is Vital In Life CORRUPTED = Civil-Organized Rally to Recognize Underachievers and Pass the Torch to Educational Depletion!

ODE = Overboard on Drinking Events SLUMBER = Sexy Lingerie and Underwear Meeting for the Betterment of the Engineering Reputation TAILGATE = The Aylmer Invitational Legendary Gala for All To Enjoy

The Montreal North Pole

Here is the juicy part. On a map, where exactly is 49 N and 141 W? Well, here’s the straight line from Montreal to the Montreal North Pole:

by Liquid Giggles

It turns out that the Montreal North Pole is about 980 km from Vancouver Island, in the Pacific Ocean.

It passes 200 km north of Sudbury, 250 km north of it upof atSaskatoon, Chateau Aylmer Winnipeg, 75Livin’ km north then 50 km SOUTH of Edmonton. It passes right over Jasper National Park, then passes about 100 km north of Vancouver Island.

Going Montreal North is actually a cross-Canada road trip through all the provinces west of Quebec.

By now, you probably know the difference between “North” and “Montreal North”. There’s the North that you see on a compass, then there’s the North that is actually closer to West than it is to North, which the compass-less voyageurs (or whoever founded Montreal) decided was “close enough” to call North. It’s a cute quirk of the city; a peculiarity which doesn’t bother the locals but which vexes visiting Albertans, who are already having enough trouble distinguishing between “Est” and “Ouest” (East and Ou-East? What is going on?)

But this brings up an interesting thought experiment.

We all know that the Geographic North Pole and Magnetic North Pole are not located in the exact same spot. Therefore, we can also imagine there being a Montreal North Pole. But where would it be? Well, I decided to find out.

I found a website** that will give you the distance between a two sets of geographic coordinates. It can also take a set of geographic coordinates, an initial compass bearing, and a distance, and figure out where the end point is. Yes, I could calculate that myself by hand, but it is exam period and I don’t have time. In any case, Montreal is at about 45.5 N and 73.5 W, which is about 4950 km to the south of the Geographic North Pole. Based on Google Maps, Montreal North is almost exactly 60o W of N, in the Plateau at least. That’s right, I wasn’t kidding when I said Montreal North is closer to being West than North – it is in fact 15o closer .

And it gets better. The Montreal North Pole is 4600 km to the South of the Geographic North Pole. Just take a look at the image below.

So next time you are stumbling home drunk after a filling meal at Boustan, make sure you don’t miss the mountain, or you might end up wandering into the Pacific Ocean!

Now, with the coordinates of Montreal, the initial bearing we want to follow, and the distance we want to follow that initial bearing in a straight line, we can find the Montreal North Pole. Again, using a function from the same website, we see that Montreal North Pole at 49 N and 141 W. “Why did we go 67.5o W but only 4o N, when we were going at 30o N of W?” Well, because the Earth is not flat, and only the initial bearing is 30o N of W. Your bearing changes when you go in a straight line, unless you are heading straight North or South, or East and West on the equator. **http://www.movable-type.co.uk/scripts/latlong.html

An EUS Publication

1: 2: 3 :

Geographic North Pole Magnetic North Pole Montreal North Pole

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April 23rd, 2015

I Got Baking Soda

past couple of day?

Worry not, baby got you

by Shout-o-cocus BPOW POW DINATOR powder’s covered (literally).

This magic substance is a well- You haven’t had time to clean the known remedy for a majority white tiles in your bathroom and of you, and no, I am not talking your crush is coming over? A bit about drugs. Its versatility is of talc will make them sparkling incomparable to any material white and smelling great (be that has ever existed. It smells careful for slipping though). good, feels good, tastes good; You spilled Bolognese sauce on hell, it even makes your hair look your wedding dress? You know less greasy! For those who know what to do! For example I used me, you probably guessed what it for facilitating people’s access I’m talking about: baby powder! to their pockets. Just last week No one except me understands at Blues Pub, I poured a fair what the full extent a bottle of amount of the powder in the most pockets I this white magic can fulfill. could. People Of course everyone knows could glide that “baby powder” is named their hands after its main use which to access the is to soothe, relief contents in their and prevent rashes pockets more on babies’ sensitive easily than skin. But besides the ****insert obvious usage, it was favorite sexual the first ass action reference you ever got when here****. The your mommy result: bills sprinkled your would not stick baby butt with a together, phones bit of talcum! would be protected from moisture, keys What else would be easier to makes it special? use but somehow Absolutely they were all very everything! You frustrated with me, I haven’t had time really don’t understand. to take a shower in the

Baby powder is the easiest substance to find no matter where you are. You can always find this thing in the nearest depanneur anywhere you go. As you can see in the picture below, one of the rarest powders in my collection is from Colombia! I use that bad boy in the most special occasions since it is in limited quantities.

Now you must be asking yourself, who am I and why do I sound like a used cars salesman?

My love for this heavenly substance arose about an year, three months, eleven days, 5 hours and 45 seconds ago.

During my attendance at the 24th annual Engineering Games, the rowdiest delegation of all, MGCIL, had the amazing idea of creating heaven on Earth. Thus a bar was powdered and a legend was born.

Baby powder is more than just a white fine substance. It is a perfect prank source, it is to humans what duct tape and WD40 are to an engineer; it will always understand you in your times of need. As Paolo Coelho once said “I’m in love with the coco!”

The Descriptivists English Style & Usage Guide

by Daniel W Galef Just listen too you’re friends + due whatever they due.

Printed at Copi-EUS

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63

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Part 1

5 years ago, I started in mechanical engineering at McGill, and before writing the fake exam and being thrust into the drunken debauchery of BanditO-Week, I was sitting in my room in New Rez, looking through the Frosh bag and stumbling across Vol. 45, No. 1, of a publication called The Plumber’s Faucet (they were kind of winging volume numbers back then). I gave it a good read, especially enjoying the story of a sordid summer internship soiree with an older co-worker named Mildred. I then continued on with my day, knowing little about how much my time at McGill would be influenced by the Faucet.

In my first month at school, I went to SSMU Club Activities Day, and was thoroughly unimpressed by the people at the Red Herring’s table, who had the enthusiasm of a union guy on coffee break. This was a stroke of luck, because I somehow found my way to the first Faucet meeting instead (EUS Activity’s Day?), where I met my now-old-friends Red Light Do Right and Set Phasers to Pun. There, the Horse Bicycle Edition was born, and I made my debut with a sarcastic 1-pager about some of the excessive political correctness of Rez Project, replete with cheap Queen’s and Concordia jokes. I have written for each and every Faucet since then.

Just for fun, I took a walk down memory lane, and put together some statistics. I have written in a total of 39.5 issues (that 0.5 is the great Groundhog Day 1-pager

That’s All Folks of 2013), worked on the layout of 30.5, and was editor-in-chief for 10. Under a variety of different names, I have written a grand total of [EDITOR – insert number equal to 147.5 + whatever is in this issue] pages of content. And now here’s my favourite stat: if you don’t count little things like editor’s notes or

coursework and the fast-pace of my other EUS commitments. And the Faucet life doesn’t end there –putting on ridiculous Blues Pubs, making elaborate meals for layout days, and getting blackout at Faucet Socials are just a few of the perks of being part of this spunky little publication. I have met some truly brilliant people through the Faucet, who share the Faucet’s absurdist world view and who now make up some of my closest friends.

And of course, it is all for our readers. Without the Faucet, who will provide guidance to the rowdier elements of our engineering community?

Who will call out SSMU Club and Daily? Compliment Faucet writers on their articles, because there is no better feeling than knowing that your twisted thoughts have brightened the day of a fellow student.

We work hard to produce a constant stream of content for our dedicated fan base, and I hope that I have done my part in keeping you entertained.

introductions to Plumber’s Pot throwback articles, then this article, the one you are reading right now, is number 100.

But if I have learned one thing at McGill, it’s that numbers aren’t really that important. I have always held my Faucet family dear, and have cherished the weekly meetings where we pound back beers and attempt to concoct the most absurd ideas possible. These gatherings are a retreat from the grind of

An EUS Publication

As I pass from this world to the next, I wish the Faucet the best as it continues on its quest for world domination. The Faucet has a young team with top-rate talent, and Malcolm is just the right editor to lead them. I won’t say that this is my last article, but my time here has come to a close.

Signing out,

Liquid Giggles