The Thanksgiving Issue

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 31 no. 3 • October 1st, 2014

The Thanksgiving Issue

The Career Hunting Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Marty The Martlet Faraz Oman Butchers David Bailey Malcolm McClintock Arman Izadi Jenny Kim Faraz Oman Morgan Mulqueen Turkey Heads David Bailey Robert Forestell Daniel Galef Adam Pickersgill Liam Duff-Meadwell Jenny Kim Luis Pombo Arman Izadi Morgan Mattone Monica and Joey Celestine Hong (Cover) Niloofar Khoshsiyar Matthew Wolf Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 31 no. 3 Wednesday, October 1st, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editor: Thanksgiving is here, and it’s time to make our turkeys, join with friends, and be with family. Who am I kidding, really it’s an extra day off school which we can use to drink. Condolences to those who have to go home to their parents.

Also lets not forget Octoberhaus at Gerts this Friday, a perfect way to end your week after a pubcrawl and two days of job hunting.

Speaking of which, we came prepared for you, this issue includes tips on improving your CV for the job search.

Solutions to the crossword are also posted at the back of this issue. A lot of thought was put into it, so bask in its glory. Also look for some standalone art from some of our illustrators - adds a nice feel to the Faucet and look for more in the coming issues.

As we enter our second month, it seems time is moving ever so slowly, like a dolphin is slowing me down somehow... any how I’m proud to say we are pusblishing our third issue at the beginning of October, but none of that could have been accomplished without our faithful Turkey Heads and Butchers (and Monica and Joey). The newly cooped writers and Fauceteers have done some significant work towards the Faucet and deserve their recognition.

So lets thank the returning staff who made this possible. Applause!

Lastly thanks to you, if you be-eth one of the few to read-eth this as the space just hath be filled. For it be-eth blank. But nay, it be blank no more for there be words!

Enjoy the Faucet and we are all glad to have you as a reader.

-Faraz Oman

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Demilitarize the EUS

by Liquid Giggles “Boot Camp” of the EUS army. Other violent remnants from Frosh can also be seen in the Office, including a number of toy swords, which invoke imagery of the Crusades, the Red Wedding, and other disturbing scenes.

For me, the final straw was model fighter jets on permanent display in the Office, suspended from the ceiling. It is rumoured that these were the largest jets that the EUS VP Finance was able to fit into the budget.

There has been much huff and fluff about military research at McGill, and with good reason. In mechanical engineering, there has been research into airplane de-icing technology which could potentially be used on drones, and professors at Mac Campus are continuously working to improve agricultural productivity, which can be used to support large armies. Engineering students are as disgusted by military research as they are by oil drilling and meat eating. Therefore, they will be shocked to know that a militaristic culture is running amoc in their very own Engineering Undergraduate Society.

In a recent visit to the EUS Office, I was shocked to see that the room had been transformed into a veritable warzone. The denizens of the Office were firing at each other with Nerf guns, in an apparent training exercise and blatant glorification of war. The guns, purchased

by President Robert “Trigger-Happy” Forestell to “improve team spirit”, normalize the antagonist nature of war and soften our subconscious feelings towards current violent events in third world countries, such as in the United States.

Further violent imagery was observed in the EUS Office. The VP Internal, Muffins Beaveridge, possesses a large “toy” gun collection hoarded from Frosh, the

There are a number of further initiatives in the Pipeline which will further cement the EUS’s identity as a paramilitary group. President Forestell has already begun requesting that he be referred to as General Forestell. The next E-Week theme has also been selected – Arm-E-Week is in its final planning stages, and will feature events like “shot gunning while shot gunning”.

VP Finance meanwhile has been approaching companies like Lockheed Martin, Browning, Blackwater, Apple, and other war-industry companies for EUS sponsorship opportunities. All of this is because of General Forestell’s belief that engineering students need to be prepared the increasingly violent real world.

I for one feel threatened and disturbed by this violent imagery. Though I have never been in a war, watching Saving Private Ryan was very traumatic, and seeing this sort of thing triggers those memories. The EUS Office is supposed to be a Safe Space, yet I feel threatened for my life whenever I enter the room. I call upon the EUS execs lay down their arms, denounce war, and smoke a blunt for peace. Otherwise I’m going to fucking kill them.

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Introduction by: Daniel Galef (Note to editor: Last week your incompetent office boy switched the manuscripts and the last chapter of my book ended up in some dinky little college magazine; see that it doesn’t happen again with this introduction, or you’re fired: children’s lit is serious business, you know — R. P.) Kazoom! The story began with an unorthodox onomatopoeia, you were instantly hooked, and the plucky young everyman was off on the adventure of his life. Except that it didn’t, you weren’t, and he wasn’t. Unfortunately, the author had to butt in and erect the looming edifice of a rambling introduction between you and the captivating tale of a boy just like you in a misadventure far from home. And don’t even think of flipping ahead. I’ve got at least another half a page, and you’ll be lucky to get off with just a “they all ask me where I get my ideas” rant. And don’t get me started on the fan mail; no, I won’t be doing another “Ravenworld” sequel, and no, I won’t bring Freddy the Wonder Pup back to life. I don’t care how distraught poor Danny was (I made him that way), or how long you cried after shutting the book.

Oh no, this has just begun.

I plan, before this is done, to thank by name every member of my extended family, all the interns at Squibbler Press (you’re great, guys, just great!), and Dr. Davis, who got me over that breakdown around halfway through chapter eleven. If you’d like (just kidding; I don’t give a flying hoot, ’cause you’re reading this and reading it now), I could delve into the many ways that Danny Dustbin resembles me when I was eleven. Yes, I know there’s an “about the author” on the back flap, but Squibbler (really, guys, you’re just awesome, all of you) would

only give me, like, two paragraphs. Don’t you want to know how I got through almost exactly the same situation as the one on page 221 when I was in fifth grade, except without the ravenous Mudgrubkins, no magic sword, and a kiwi instead of a kumquat? Huh? What’s that?

No? You don’t? Too bad. In fact, if I just make

the font a bit smaller, I can eke out a whole ’nother anecdote about writing on my vintage Groma (you can’t be too snobbish when it comes to being green or retro) in my chateau on the Mediterranean. Of course, really I tapped it out on LaTeX (I’m way too cool for Microsoft, never mind that I run Windows) at my apartment in Queens above the laundromat, but why on Earth would I tell you that?

Like the hours of extensive research I put into the scenes at Capeworth Castle. I pulled it out of thin air, once or twice having Wikipedia up in the other window. Whoops, looks like I ran out of space here, and if I size down the font any more you won’t be

able to hang your eyes on my snarky yet hilarious British brilliance.

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Content

by Don’t Lego My Python Sometimes, you just gotta fill a blank page.

Content, they ask of you – content, more content, and then some.

Sometimes it’s gotta be real fucking vulgar, ground shaking, teeter-tottering with disastrous ramifications, or just plain disgusting. Content can also be funny, challenging, questioning your morals and forcing itself into your wellthought-out preconceptions. But will you let it?

in someone else’s life? Like the guy walking outside your window, and the only thing you feel for him is a slight annoyance because he’s disturbing your train of thought with his off-tune whistling rendition of Godiva’s Hymn?

So the point here – yes, there’s a point – is that you’ve gotta be conscious of what you’re doing with yourself. Is my life just going to be another filler page, as useful as the

Yellow Pages bricks I still get at my apartment (no, but really what’s up with that)? I sure as hell hope not.

Your life, much like this page before I wrote all over it, is really yours to do with what you please. So stop reading this one and go write your own! Or just flip to the next page because that’s what I’ll be doing.

Ultimately, content has two purposes: to convey information, and to fill a blank page. This content applies to the latter of course, but while writing this, a familiar feeling has come over me. Like I’ve done it all before.

Suddenly, it dawns on me: this same feeling – this feeling of lack of shits, this feeling that you get when you know you’re not going to proofread your work before you hand it in, this giddy, slightly stupid feeling you get, much like the one when you leave your final exam two hours early because at that very moment you simply don’t care – it is way too common for me. It has become the norm and I’m feeling it right now.

How much effort is good enough?

Should I apply myself more? Would I have done better had I stayed up that extra hour instead of dosing off to muted Youtube videos? What am I doing with my life?

Is life itself sometimes filler content? What if you’re just filler

by Matthew Wolf

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A Beginner’s Guide to Montreal

by Cuddly Bear the Great

Everything you needed to know, will need, or probably should know about living in McGill and everywhere else around it Congratulations! For whatever eccentric reason, whether you are a smart cookie to someone who loves cold weather, you’ve decided to come live in Montreal and enjoy all its diverse culture and sometimes-smiling-sometimes-cussing denizens. Here are a few pointers on getting around town so you don’t end up visiting Royal Victoria every other day because you got hit by a bike (again):

Watch out for those damn bikes Yes, they’re getting there faster. Yes, her blonde hair is blowing dramatically in the wind. Yes, it is a good exercise. But no, they are not justified to be complete douchebags about it and whiz about, looking to squish someone under their tires. Leave that to the taxis. So watch yourselves when crossing the darn street, those bikers couldn’t care less.

Outdoor staircases: slippery slides to hell Well ok, not really in the summer but that doesn’t matter. Come winter time, you’ll want to personally blowtorch the ice and snow off the stairs yourself.

Grab on and grip hard (hehe) otherwise you’ll be relocated to your rear end faster than you can curse.

Deps So remember how you can’t buy liquor freely anywhere else in Canada, just from the LCBO or the Beer Store? (Or is that just Ontario?) At any rate, fear no more, my fellow drunk! The depanneur is here to help you! Conveniently located convenience stores all around town are placed solely to provide you and your intoxicated posse with as much nutrition and BEvERages as you may require. Most are open all hours too, so don’t be afraid to pop by around 3 am for that carton of milk. Or rum***, we don’t judge.

Streetlights Pfft nope. Who cares? Cross when there are no cars. NO, you’ll get ticketed. Yes, it’s a thing***. So cross when there are no cops.

Festivals Be it summer, winter, fall, or that other season that I can’t remember since it’s consoladated into the other three, you will always find entertainment in the public streets. Most often, you won’t hear about it, you’ll simply walk into it. There will be music, food, and fun, and most times it will be free so enjoy them as often and as long as you can.

Indoors When it’s -35 degrees centigrade. This common attraction, also known as the inside of a square shaped room with heating, will be your new best friend when the icy chills of winter blow into you’re nether regions and shrivel things to the point of no return. Why leave the comfort and shelter of the great indoors at all? Certainly not for that lecture that you might need to graduate.

Blues pub McGill Engineers Rule the World (I’ll tell you exactly why and how later) so it’s only fitting that they have the best dollar-drink pub around. That’s right, you heard me. $1 drinks. That’s reason alone to move to Montreal.

World Class academia and stuff Yeah, so we’re also like the 1st Canadian and 21st greatest university in the world or something? I don’t know…

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Poutine and other edible delights Quebec is the birthplace of poutine after all, so where better to get it? Arguably (seriously, this topic is argued), the best poutine had to be La Banquise so run there the next chance you get. Literally, run. Poutine has a lot of carbs, man!

General Debauchery and Miscellaneous Mischief at any given time or place I often like to nickname Montreal as the Las Vegas of Canada but without the dirty, grimy, sinful regret that comes with this Sin City. Montreal is indeed as fun, if not more, than Las Vegas but…tidier. Defi-

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nitely more friendly and sanitary and somehow with less chance of you ending up with a missing teeth, a baby and a drug dealer on your tail. Or maybe not…

In conclusion, my dear fellow McGillians or Montrealite, these few years of university will most likely be the best of your tedious lives and praise all deities that do or do not exist you are spending it in one of the world’s greatest cities. Break a leg! …Or any other appendage, because we can apparently just 3D print new ones. ***Editor’s Note: Writer is a froshie from a far away land, where he reigns over all teddy bears

Students Attending Lectures back row

front row

Illustration by Niloofar Khoshsiyar

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Why Divers Wear Chastity Belts

by Morgan Mattone

“Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, cuz they’re screwing everybody out here.” You might have once assumed that in this interview, Mr. Dodson was talking about a group of people who are interested in casual sex; well you have been deeply misinformed. Mr. Dodson was in fact talking about the assholes of the sea, or more specifically, dolphins. What you once thought were kind and loving creatures that save humans from shipwreck and perform jaw-dropping stunts at aquarium parks, are the most sexually reckless creatures in the deep blue.

Through the observation of our very own McGill Marine Biology Institution, there have been reports of groups, anywhere from 2 to 10 (depends how kinky) dolphins will invite a female dolphin to join them as their “sex slave” for up to three weeks at a time. These males bite their guest, and whip her with their tails if she tries to get away (unless she makes the “safe click”).

The MMBI students have also discovered that they will use kelp to gag their female or use oysters as nipple clamps. Snooki from the Jersey Shore was correct in her claim that whale sperm makes the ocean salty.

Though this innocent consensual fun is little different than what you would expect to occur in the DJ booth at Blues Pub, dolphins do not practice safe sex.

Much like our Snooki and half the population of McGill students, dolphins are hoarders on STI’s such as Herpes, Chlamydia, and crabs: you name it, they have it. And putting on condoms with those little flippers is

just not feasible.

Not only do dolphins play in sexual acts out of their mating cycle with other dolphins, they execute cross-species coitus with human females. Well known scientists have speculated that an average 1 out of 37 female human may have been impregnated by a male dolphin within their lifetime.

Aside from dolphins being overwhelmingly sexually active mammals, they tend to slaughter their young just so its mother will become sexually active again, much like when your parents sent you to your grandparents house just so they could have “mommy and daddy time”. Only in this case there is no place to send dolphin babies to, except to dolphin heaven. The MMBI is currently investing in a dolphin daycare to foster these young whilst their parents get jiggy with it.

Blues Pub

Come out to Blue’s Pub every Friday 4:00 - 9:00

Happy Hour is from 4:00 to 5:30 when all drinks are 50 cents off

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Tales From a “Friengineer”

by Dilafza Haydaraliyeva We all know, even at the risk of stereotyping, what it means to be a McGill Engineer: Blues Pub, high levels of rowdiness, lets not forget the inflated self-esteems, and a never ending series of pub crawls and apartment crawls to showcase their supremacy. However, there are some among you who you swear is an engineer, (you can check off all the above), except that they are never present in any of your classes. They must at least be architecture students – right? Wrong. They are what

already know what the other is, but for the sake of us muggles – it’s a programming language).

some of you politely call friengineers, and what some of you less politely call muggles. They hide among you, only to be sooner or later exposed as a non-engineer.

into more detail about all the debauchery that is Mech Madness, censorship requires me to exhibit restraint – to a certain extent. I’ll just say that asking your fellow Mechies about twilight fan-fictions will definitely not be a disappointment.

With over four years of being honorary participant in various engineering student groups, I thought it was about time to reveal how Hogwarts looks through the eyes of the muggles. I’ve recently had the opportunity to take part in a little bit of madness, or should I say MechMadness? There’s something about sharing a school bus with about 40 people that builds a strong sense of family, which is one of the magical features of McGill Engineering Department. In this particular case, our familial bonds begin with the shared suffering we all experienced while trying not to pee our pants, and at once staying “hydrated” on a three hour bus ride.

There’s nothing that says family more than “I’m going to do the pee-pee dance in my seat, and not care what you think.”

What’s more, you know your family really cares for you when they make sure that your mornings start with a nice, hot, cup of T++/C++ to make sure that you never have to feel the pain that the previous night’s activities should’ve caused (not to be mistaken for C++ - one is tea/coffee + Amarula + JD’s, and well engineers

But let’s not forget, engineers have a long and prestigious legacy to uphold, and for that reason we can’t forget to bring our class to the industry tours. That’s why there’s always someone with a tube of toothpaste. With minty-fresh breath, we proceed to charm the steeltoes off of our industry recruiters. While I could go

I also did MERTW 69th edition, with its Freudian level phallic symbolism, but I can’t say much beyond that – I can’t remember and that’s apparently a sign of success. These are just some of the magical reasons why us muggles have infiltrated Hogwarts.

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Obituaries Tim Hortons

(1964-2014)

McTavish Street

(1935-2014)

The McGill community mourns the loss of the Redpath Tim Hortons. With this, the student pilgrimmage to the basement of the Redpath basement for poor quality yet extremely affordable liquid caffeine, otherwise known as Tim Hortons coffee, during the pagan festivities known as “Exams” will no longer be celebrated. Double doubles, iced capps, timbits, and other staples of student exam diet will not be possibly obtained at the comfort of our campus. In its stead, a local chain of artisanal bakeries has set up shop to appeal to “hipsters drinking coffee out of a Mason jar”, a fourth-year Arts student explained to the Montreal Gazette. This is a tragic loss that combined with the loss of the old Eng Cafe, Sinfully Asian, and Pizza Pizza, has brought an end to an era of “gloomy cafeterias, sad steam tables, and food complaints” (also known as affordable food) at McGill University. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to the EUS G-Store, the last bastion of affordable refreshments on campus.

This month, the University of McGill sadly mourns the loss of campus stable and all-around well-liked boulevard, McTavish Street (1804 – 2014), who is expected to succumb in the coming months to construction and negligence, following a drawn-out illness including multiple shutdowns and a traumatic flooding last January. Doctors initially gave a prognosis of the end of the summer, and, after that, September, and, finally, the nebulous “October or later.” It now appears that the condition is likely permanent, and the beloved street will never again be open for commerce. The official causeof-death is recorded as “Takotsubo stress-induced transient apical ballooning Gebrochenes-Herz cardiomyopathy syndrome” (“broken heart syndrome”) at the loss of lifelong friend Timmy Horton this autumn. McTavish is survived by its three cross-streets, Ruisseau-Sûr (English: “Sherbrooke”), Champ-de-Stylos (“Penfield”), and Épingles (“Pins”), as well as one adopted reservoir and several alleys and pedestrian pathways. The entire McGill community mourns this tragic and untimely loss.

Scottish Independence

SSMU Democracy (1902-2014)

(1707-2014)

Och aye! An oonce ageene, tiss thi dethe nylle fer Scots independence. Here at McGill, whose founder was the drunken and disorderly Jim McGill and whose patron muse is ol’ Rabbie Burns himself, we feel great personal effect from this blow to Scottish and Scotch-Canadian identity. Scotland has made its decision in the 2014 independence referendum, and boy has it tossed the caber on this one. Somewhere out there, Mel Gibson is painting his face bright blue in the bathroom mirror and crying, and somewhere the Great Birnam Wood is moving on London, but there is no joy in Mudville – I mean, Edinburgh.

Franz von Bayern, the Jacobite pretender, is reported to have slapped his butler in frustration (come on, Frannie, I’m still waiting on that Order of St Hubert).

The estate sale is set for Monday, and is expected to be well attended by fans of unstylish dress and cacophonic music. Refreshments will be provided in the form of obscure organ meats and deep-fryed anything in sight.

After months of turmoil and suffering in the intensive care unit following the invalidation of the 2014 presidential election, we regret to inform you of the passing of Democracy at the SSMU Club. A troubled life that has seen censures, invalidations, and even legal battles, came to an end this week with the return of the Building Fee Referendum, which after failing in April due to sheer ignorance from the student body came back from the dead strengthened by a re-education committee known as “Save Our SSMU”. Democracy at the SSMU Club is survived by several thousand students and a Clubhouse that is financially unstable. Democracy will be sorely missed though her beautiful spirit will always be remembered by those who were touched by it.

by Daniel Galef & I Guana Lay Mas Pipeline

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Sex, Dinner and Drugs

by Andy Wang

The doorbell rings, it’s a perfect third, perfect but not quite perfect like a forth or a fifth but it rings and I have to open, have to open, have to open. So I walk left right, left right, left right are my steps. I left the stove on, there’s a fire and it’s spreading, no it’s isn’t. I twist the lock once, twist it back, twist it twice, twist it back, twist it again and I pull the door open it swings exactly 90 degrees π/2 radians and I hope she notices how quiet the hinges are, I greased them only yesterday then I smile.

It wasn’t quite right, I fixed my face and smile again, it was better but once more just to be safe. She looks beautiful, no looks sexy, no looks pretty, no looks like my mother, that’s wrong.

I restart and move to the side and ask her to come in, to come in, to come in. Her head is tilted slightly down, she looks at the threshold and steps over it.

God I want to SPANK her, but dinner first. There’s a fire and it’s spreading! No it isn’t. I take her coat, it’s cold outside, cold like ice cream. Is she a chocolate or a vanilla in bed, in bed, in bed. I want to know, all I have in the fridge is peach and it’s cold.

Look forward to a guide on math in our future issues as a part of

She sits down on the high stool, as her elbows stroke the kitchen counter, I imagine her stroking my balls on the kitchen counter. It’s fuzzy, the way the light is and then I wonder if she’s shaved down there. Fuzzy like peaches, like peaches, like peaches, or a full blown peach tree. I made pasta and it’s salty mmmm, so good, does she like that? Would she like my dick, then it starts to be salty too. I ask her if she wants some parmesan with it, and she says yes, says yes, says yes. She talks, I listen, and nod and listen, and nod and listen, and nod and… suddenly she drops her fork. It clatters like music, I should write the notes down, but no she’s bending over, she’s wearing a skirt, it’s so short from my perspective that I could see all four of her cheeks. It’s like Heaven only hotter, I have to strip.

Garlic bread goes well with pasta but I didn’t make any. Although her buns would do for dessert just as well, but… butt, butt, butt. I just can’t stop, I reach out and grab for one. It’s squishy and soft like dough, I should probably bake her in the oven on my bed.

I squeeze, but then my face starts hurting. It stings, it really stings. It’s the wrong kind of hot, my face could use some ice. She slapped me and grabbed her purse from the couch. It’s cold outside, she shouldn’t be cold, the door slams without a creak but it slams so loud I wonder how loud she gets when I’m slamming her. I should probably wait a couple of days before I call, before I call, before I call, again. In the meantime at least I still have my right hand to keep myself busy. I’m broke so no massages for a while, for a while, for a while. I clean the dishes and the plates feel soapy. I’m excited, so I invite my hand into the bathroom for a good old fashioned bath.

The Plumber’s

Guides

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The Faucet’s Guide to Thanksgiving

by Liam Duff-Meadwell

Now if you still somehow don’t have a turkey, I don’t know what to say. I do have a last resort for your knuckleheads: it’s called a grocery store. Fancy, huh?

Just walk in, grab a turkey and buy it! As the cashier is ringing it up, say this: “Esti de calice de tabarnak j’hais les peppers”. It’s a customary greeting wishing them a happy Thanksgiving!

It’s that time of year again. That time where we get to kick back, crack open some brews, watch some good ol’ football (the manly version, not that sissy European shit), all while trampling each other to death trying to get the last 50” plasma TV. Wait, nevermind, this is Canada. Here, we do things a bit differently.

But never fear, we here at the Faucet have seen many a Thanksgiving, and we’ll make sure you have a rockin’ ThankGretskying.

You’re all set! You have your turkey, now all you have to do is cook it. It’s not that hard really. You don’t even need to search the internet for a recipe. We’ve got you covered (again).

First off, it’s a month early! Blasphemy you say? Eh not really; let’s look at this objectively shall we.

The second weekend of October is the perfect time to celebrate; you can still remember the summer and reminisce about the good times, the fall term is only just underway and you aren’t inundated with work and it’s not that cold out. Now fast forward a month: you’ve failed all your mid-terms, you’ve spent (wisely, might I add) all your hard-earned cash on beer and it’s fucking freezing out. See what I mean? Perfectly planned. Plus hockey season starts around that time so another reason to celebrate!

* 1 cup of butter, frozen solid (don’t let it melt)

So you’ve got the date down. Great. Now what? The turkey you dinguses. Do I have to think of everything here?! I know you’re a broke ass student, but turkeys aren’t that expensive. In fact, I know 2 places where you can find some cheap turkeys not too far from campus: 1.

3480 McTavish St. Rm. B-24. Just show up there and ask for a turkey. They’ll know what you’re talking about. You actually get to see the turkey in its natural environment here and you can personally choose which one to take home - so it’s a cool experience that I highly recommend.

2.

Your local Tim Hortons. Granted, you’ll have to buy about 100 sandwiches to get the same amount of meat, but if your parents are loaded who gives a fuck.

Plus, you get the added bonus of your “turkey” being marinated, cooked and sliced.

Ingredients: * 12-case of beer * 1 turkey (duh)

* 3 cups chicken stock (Do not use turkey stock, I repeat DO NOT use turkey stock. It’s kind of like dividing by 0) * 8 cups of stuffing (don’t ask me how to make that, this is a turkey recipe) * 1 cup of drool collected whilst sleeping in your FACC 100 class (to give it that zing) * 1 drop of unicorn tears (for the zang) * That’s it! It’s go time baby.

Directions: 1. Start with the beers. You need to be at least six deep before any of this shit makes sense.

2. Preheat the oven to absolute zero (and before one of you “pranksters” says it’s not possible, it is. You just need a German oven. Trust me, the Germans make good stuff) 3. Gently wash and massage the turkey. Caress it tenderly and whisper in its ear, “Daddy’s here”. Pat it dry with some paper towels and loosen the body cavity.

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4. Stuff that turkey. Stuff it good. Stuff it like you’d stuff that girl in your math class. Yeah you know the one. The one you think about when your prof is droning on about the importance of Bernoulli substitutions and you’re just like “Yeah, I’d like to Bernoulli her”. That girl.

5. Now, stick the butter in with the stuffing, pour the stock on the ground and pour the drool and unicorn tears on the turkey.

6. Pop it in the oven. Cook until you wake up after passing out. The more burnt the better.

7. There you have it. Thanksgiving the Faucet way.

Don’t forget to check out our other guides including classics such as: Yom Kippur, Kwanzaa, Guy Fawkes Day, Festivus, Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday and many, many more! For now this has been Your Friendly Neighbourhood Bro, signing out.

If you’ve followed the steps correctly, this should be your end product!

Top Ten Disappointments of Being an Engineering Student So Far:

by April Rajchgot 10. The halls aren’t flooded with animated robots/ matrix code/ start-up companies that want to hire you for your skills in “social media”.

9. Everyone assumes that you know how to fix everything! A short list includes: cars, computers, chairs, roller-skates, personal pleasure devices and paid email services.

8. Despite the fact that we study things like: thermodynamics, fluids, electric systems and programming, there is absolutely no control of the heating in our buildings. Rumour is that a chemical engineer from the 80’s overheats schulich and the tunnels to keep people away from his secret lair.

7. Coding is not as fun as it seems! I expected to walk into COMP 208 mashing keys and hacking into the White House a la House of Cards;

and I still can’t even download the software onto my Mac! 6. I may have to dump my Mac. 5. Beer gets old pretty quick! (seriously check the expiration date) 4. People are too friendly for me to call them nerds.

3. I might be a nerd.

2. This shit is not like Dilbert at all!

1. What? I’m not really studying to become a train engineer!?! I came to Frosh with a hat, overalls, and a whistle and returned with a hard hat, t-shirt, and venereal disease (which is what I call my whistle; we had time to bond)

14 the plumber’s FAUCET

The Faucet’s guide to finding a job: building your CV

by Adam Pickersgill For those of us venerable and ancient plumbers facing the impending adventmare that is graduation from the protection of the supple bosom that is McGill University, searching for an employment opportunity is at the front of our minds (only just behind beer, sex, and math). For you younger pups, it may be prudent to search for a summer employment opportunity or an internship of some sort, if only for a little extra beer money, as we all know that it is never too early to save up for alcohol.

Consequently, here at the Faucet we have taken pains to compile a foolproof and comprehensive guide to finding a job as a prospective engineer. We guarantee a successful result or your money back!

Part 2: Curriculum Vitae Last time we talked about networking, but what if ass-kissing isn’t your thing? Maybe you already have a lot to show off and can squeeze by on your previous merit alone? Perhaps your job hunt is best aided by a Curriculum Vitae, or CV for short. There are many important things to remember when writing up the perfect CV. The most important thing to remember is that a good CV is like a good dick pick (or twat shot for you female engineers out there). You need to show off everything you bring to the table in an eye catching and aggressive way. The Faucet has done extensive research and will share our results with you. Follow these tips and your CV will be wowing recruiters all year!

The first thing to remember is that you need to know your CV better than you know your actual penis or vagina. Know it inside and out as they say. Every vein, or slight curvature, or fold of labia - you better know all of it. This is because you need to be prepared to answer any and all questions someone looking at your CV might have.

This brings up our next important point which is you should never lie on your CV. Just like you shouldn’t

Another Feature of:

The Plumber’s

Guides

ever send a dick pick of someone else’s dick. Don’t Photoshop that shit either! There is nothing worse than the extreme disappointment expressed by recipient of your attentions when their expectations are not met. Believe me - you don’t want that.

All of that being said, it is still very important to put yourself in the best light possible. Angle, lighting, background, and level of arousal are all important factors to keep in mind when snapping a pic of your business.

The same can be said of a snapshot of your business potential where instead of angle it is layout, lighting is whitespace, background is kerning, and level of arousal is font size. You don’t want to lie about what you have, but you do want to make sure that the reader is aware of every little thing you bring to the table.

The last important factor to consider is who you send your CV to. First of all, it is a numbers game not everyone is interested in what you are packing, and many people will just ignore your offering. Consequently you need to send it out liberally and often , hoping that somebody will respond positively. As they say, if you throw enough genitalia at the wall, some of it will stick!

You have to remember that not everyone looks for the same thing in a CV. Some people appreciate an aggressive assault on their eyeballs, but others prefer something less threatening and more flaccid. You have to use your best judgement in choosing those who you will honour with the privilege of seeing everything you have to offer, and it may be a good idea to have several different copies that might appeal to different types of people. And if any of you get a job by sending in an actual picture of your baby-making parts, then more power to you!** **The Faucet does not explicitly endorse full frontal nudity as part of a job finding strategy.

the plumber’s FAUCET

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16 the plumber’s FAUCET

SOLUTION TO LAST ISSUE’S CROSSWORD PUZZLE

by Daniel Galef

As you recall (or not, as the matter may be, which is precisely why I’m reminding you of it right here), last issue you were presented with a crossword puzzle to solve for the name of the best magazine put our by the EUS (of course, a child of five could tell you that even without a crossword — but none were on hand, so we had to figure it out the hard way). It was published in both the Plumber’s Faucet and the Plumber’s Ledger in identical versions, with the clues below: 1. A type of mathematical operation known as a ‘transform.’

2. One of Poe’s names.

3. Every member of that annoying subculture plays this.

4. Erstwhile Python.

5. Entity in Lewis Carroll balancing precariously.

6. Part of ancient analog computer memory (e.g., UNIVAC’s).

(7 letters) (5 letters) (7 letters) (7 letters) (3 letters) (4 letters)

Q: Which is the superior EUS publication (hint: it’s NOT Technophilic). Here are the solutions: 1. F O U R I E R 2. A L L A N 3. U K U L E L E 4. C H A P M A N 5. E G G 6. T A P E

1. L A P L A C E 2. E D G A R 3. D U B S T E P 4. G I L L I A M 5. E E L 6. R E E L

We also let the Daily have a go, just in the name of inclusiveness, and, after much headscratching, here’s what they came up with: 1. O P T I M U S P R I M E 2. P O E 3. S P O R T S 4. E U R O P A E U S 5. W H I T E K N I G H T 6. R A M In retrospect, they may have slightly misunderstood a few of the clues, but hey, they’re not engineering people, so let’s just let that one slide. Anyway, that’s all until our next crossword, so farewell from everyone here at the Plumber’s Opsewr!#