The Job Hunting Issue

The Plumber’s

Faucet

The Job Hunting Issue

VOLUME XXXII ISSUE V February 10th, 2016

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 5

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editor-In-Chief

Well it’s that arduous time of year again. Time to face the countless realizations like how few tangible skills you may have, that you aren’t a beautiful individual snowflake, and that nobody will hire you.

Don’t be sad, fair reader! It’s quite alright to have an existential crisis during job hunting season! Just do what you do best and watch an entire season of a TV show you have no interest instead, it’ll be fine.

Or, check out this rad Faucet issue! We’ve gathered all the Do’s and Dont’s, the how to’s and the how not to’s, and personal riveting tails about diving into the real world. While we can’t offer you a job at the Faucet (we pay in high-fives), we can offer you the help you need to get out of that hovel of a bedroom and put yourself out there.

Malcolm McClintock

Writers

Grace Weinstein Morgan Mattone Daniel Galef Michael Verrecchia Malcolm McClintock Eddy Sayar John Karpuk Selin Genc Heydar Ensha

Illustrators

Celestine Hong Malcolm McClintock Ké Smith Daniel Galef

Support

Camille Warner

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 32 no. 5

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

In other Faucet news, Punxsutawney Phil made his annual appearance into our dimension! Phil, the transdimensional marmot, came by to bless us with the gift of spring; our merciful grounhog has come to end this pathetic winter. For those of you who may not understand the prowess of Phil, there will be a rager in his honor this Saturday. Come meet some Fauceteers, discuss your hopes, dreams, and favorite body of water. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a job out of it! The dividends of high-fives are through the roof in this economy (I don’t understand economics, nor do I have the patience for such witchcraft).

In Engineering news, E-Week and Applied Science Games have come and gone, but now midterms are upon us. We wish you the best of luck, and that this issue may provide some brevity in your soon to be sleepless nights. Study up, brave souls, and fight to the death for the outlets in McLennan.

Malcolm Mc clintock

HAIL PHIL An EUS Publication

February 10th, 2016

The Secret Abandoned Dream Careers of Famous Historical Figures

by Daniel galef

David Copperfield — Aerobics Camp — “Watch the fat disappear” William Shakespeare & Co. — Travel Agency — “See the Globe” Joey Stalin — Diet Regimens — “A cleanse you won’t forget” Allen Funt — NSA agent — “Smile” Harry Houdini — Bail Bonds — “When you want to get out fast” Atilla the Hun — Quality Sacks — “Perfect for carrying spoils of war” Theo Roosevelt — Big Sticks — “Our satisfied customers don’t speak softly about Theo” Archimedes — Antiques Appraisal — “Gold coins and jewelry authenticated” Fibonacci — Pet Store — “Rabbits a specialty” Bishop Berkeley — Discreet Tree Removal Service — “You won’t hear a thing” Ovid — Self-Actualization Talk Therapy Groups — “Complete transformation fast” Procrustes — Tailor — “Alterations made on the spot” Blackbeard — Music and File-Sharing — “The fastest (file) clipper on the seas”

Erwin Schrodinger — Kennel & Pet Care — “A quantum leap in your cat’s wellbeing”

Charles Darwin — Organic Foodstuffs — “The natural selection”

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12 Pierre-Joseph Proudhon — Coffeehouse — “All proper tea is theft”

George R. R. Martin — Hitman Service — “When you least expect it” Horace — Newspaper Distribution & Halloween Store — “O the Times! O the costumes!”

Brutus — Quality Acupuncture Therapy — “Give us a shot and we’ll give you a shot” Helen of Troy — Dockyards & Shipbuilders — “1000 ships launched” Odysseus — Precision Lasik Surgery — “Nobody’s better” Archimedes Escort Service — “Call Archimedes for a good screw”

Bill Gates — Glaziery — “We install windows”

French Student Decides that he’s “Headed to Vegas Bébé”

by Drew p. Weiners With May’s graduation approaching, Cédric Beauchamp ’16 wants the world to know that he’s got big plans. He’s reached out to the Faucet along with other widely distributed campus publications to announce his newly formed, post-McGill agenda.

After being turned away from both the Daily and the Tribune, the Faucet made an effort to catch up with Cedric last Thursday night on St. Laurent to find out what’s coming up next for this graduate.

“After 12 semesters of what seemed like an endless, broken education and broken spirit, I’ve decided to reward myself with one full year in Vegas,” explains Cedric. “Montreal’s cool and all but, I really feel like Vegas would understand me more.” He goes on to say that heading back to France was never an option he considered. Both of his parents are full time investment firm executives and simply don’t have the time to tend to his needs and responsibilities.

Graduating with a degree in business management, Cedric hopes to one day own his own bar on the Strip. He recollects a story that a few of

his French friends had on their recent crossAmerican party tour. His friends encountered bar nights where there were “boobies flying everywhere” and “MDMA as far as the eye could see.” “That’s the kind of bar I want to manage,” notes Cedric. “I live for boobies and MDMA, and my education simply hasn’t provided enough of that.”

Cedric tells us that he’s found some great places to live downtown, one of which provides a great view of the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and Casino. “There's this one penthouse that’s got a killer downtown view from the rooftop; being able to see that Eiffel Tower will make me feel right at home,” he adds.

When asked about any concerns with potential gentrification in the area, Cedric returned by saying that he plans on visiting as many local gentleman clubs as he could find.

Our meeting with Cedric ended as he ran to go catch some friends in line at Apartment 200.

The staff at the Faucet sends fond farewells and best wishes to Cédric as he pursues his dream.

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February 10th, 2016

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Clone Love Beauty and the Blackout Imagine this, if you will. (You will.) You wake up in the middle of the night, go to turn over and are startled by someone sleeping next to you in your bed. You rub your eyes, turn on the light, but the truth remains: Your exact clone is lying next to you, sleeping.

What do you do?

The way I see it, here are your options: Talk, Fight, or Fuck. Otherwise known as the only 3 things you can do with another human being, apart from completely ignoring them. (I may have a slightly flawed view on human interaction but you can blame that on my perfect childhood, I guess. In 2nd grade I used to make friends by biting people. Maybe I still do? Whatever. Let’s roll with it.)

fight

Talk

Now we’re talking. Think about it, you’d be up against someone who is perfectly matched with you. Same weight class, same moves, same intuition. It would essentially be like flipping a coin only luck matters.

Best. Fight. Ever.

What the fuck are you going to talk about? All the talking you need to do with yourself you’ve already done in front of the mirror.

Just me? Okay.

Eh fuck this option anyways, who wants to say, “Hey I met my clone and we just shot the shit.”

That’s some lame-ass fuckery right there, so we’re gonna move on.

Fuck There are some people who’ve gotten to this point in the article and are like “Fuck yeah, I wouldn’t pass up the chance to see how good I am in bed.” To those people I say GO YOU, YOU SEXUALLY LIBERATED BEAUTY. Then there are some people that get to this point and go “That’s so completely fucked, hell no.” To those people, I respect your opinion, but hear me out: You’re wrong. So wrong.

Beware, I’m about to drop some wisdom on your unsuspecting ass. Nobody you’ve been in bed with has ever told you the truth about your sexual prowess. Everybody’s a dirty liar, trust me. This is your chance to find out what actually happens when you swirl your tongue like that.

TAKE IT.

Fight then fuck Okay fine, I know I didn’t present this as an option at the beginning but sometimes life throws you curveballs and you have to dive deep with the punches. Or something.

But I got to thinking, after that pretty-muchchoreographed-perfection of a fight, there’s gonna be some serious sexual tension. Don’t deny it. Don’t fight it.

Then I guess you guys could talk after you’re all done. Whatever.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12

A Day in the Life of Harris the Headhunter

by Gonezo Harris took a deep breath, concentrating intently on his view finder. There stood his ideal candidate, the esteemed Mike Howe, Head of Dynam0 Incorporated’s Research Department. Mike was doing as he always did at 9:15 AM , sorting through the morning mail and printing any recent memos.

Mike was very disciplined in organization skills, certainly one of the traits that made him an effective leader. Harris didn’t mind waiting; following the hum-drum daily motions of his targets was always a relaxing task. The hard part was yet to come.

Patience.

Mike would return to his desk soon enough to enjoy a perfectly temperate cup of coffee. Briefly Harris double-checked his surroundings. The three stories above remained closed for “floor cleaning”, the emergency exit still vacant and secluded. Two weeks of surveilance, three fake interviews, and four email chains later it had been decided. Mike Howe was exactly who Harris’ employers were looking for.

Putting gentle pressure on the trigger, Harris adjusted Mike’s head just left of center for the wind. Mike slowly lifted the mug to his lips for that first delicious sip.

Harris allowed him the last pleasure and pulled the trigger.

The laminated glass of the window was designed to avoid

shattering, but a spiderweb like pattern emerged through the pinpointed puncture. Quickly flitting his eyes upward, Harris confirmed the job was done. He began unscrewing the barrell, snapping the stands to the main body and removing the ammo cartridge. Clutching the slightly larger than average briefcase,

Harris scaled down the building. Dynamo Incorporated’s Corporate Headquarters contained a Starbucks, and Harris loved a venti medium-roast coffee; coincidentally Mike’s coffee of choice as well. Harris dwelled on Mike’s tempered discipline, apt computer skills, and ability to learn quickly. Mike did nothing wrong for that bullet, in fact he did everything right; that’s why Dynamo hired Harris, to determine if he had what it would take

An EUS Publication

to be the Manager of the new Development Branch.

He pushed thoughts of Mike out of his mind and waited for security to arrive. It was standard corporate protocol to evacuate the building in the event of an act of violence of this magnitude, but Dynamo Inc. couldn’t afford to lose those man hours. Everyone would be in and out in less than twenty minutes, just enough time for Harris to gather intel on any potential loose ends.

Sipping his coffee, an alarm sounded. A stern, yet tranquil female voice chimed in overhead, indicating the evacuation procedure.

Like gerbils in a wheel, the carbon-copy business men filed out the exit.

Harris’ keen eye spotted one above the rest; his pocket square clean pressed, a briefcase decked in gold enamel locks and engravings, all indicating his tiny, tiny penis. Yes Harris thought, how nice it would be to follow him on LinkedIn. Harris placed his minimalist business card with embossed print on the table in front of him. Simple, elegant, decked in the finest sansserif fonts, Harris relished in leaving such a fine piece of modern design.

Onto the next target

Harris Bernot Professional Headhunter

February 10th, 2016

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HOW TO: Interview

DO:

DOn’t:

1. Dress appropriately for the interview (try to one up the dress code) 2. Rehearse answers to anticipated general knowledge or behavioural questions 3. Shake the interviewer's hand as you enter the room 4. Shower at home in preparation for your interview 5. Describe your previous job as being a "culturally diverse workplace" 6. Admit to not knowing certain technologies due to inexperience and DO proceed to walk through them with the interviewer 7. Describe your proficiencies as things you can still improve and DO describe your weaknesses as things you can change 8. Use positive vocabulary that showcases your intelligence and your maturity 9. Compliment the interviewer's desk or office space 10. Research the company before you step into the building to ensure that you know what to talk about 11. Mention your hobbies and any extra-curricular activities you take part in 12. Speak in the appropriate tone of voice 13. Bring copies of your CV to the interview 14. Take notes during your interview to better answer their questions 15. Repeat their questions out loud to ensure proper understanding

and finally...

16. Go home and send a thank you note after a successful interview

1. Wear a speedo no matter how chiseled your abs are 2. Read answers to anticipated general knowledge or behavioural questions off of a cheat sheet during your interview 3. Try to fist-bump, chest-bump, crotch-bump, grind with, hug, kiss, french kiss, orgasm when you touch their hand, slip them your number and wink, head-butt or perform a secret handshake with the interviewer as you enter the room 4. Look into the mirror, mutter good enough, and leave the house 5. Describe your previous job as “chockful of migrant workers” 6. Describe yourself as an expert in said topic and DO NOT fumble as you attempt to explain it to the interviewer 7. Claim to be Batman 8. Use the words: butt(s), ass(es), dumb(ass), (mother)fuck(er)(ing), fuck-whistle, fuckable, bangable, (cumber)bitch(s), suck(er)(ing), any and all derogatory terms for peoples of all races, genders and sexual orientation, and DO NOT play the penis game 9. Talk about what you would do with their office when you eventually get promoted over them 10. Ask for a reminder of the company’s name during your interview 11. Mention “slaying mad pussy” or “hardcore partying” or “smoking it up” when asked for hobbies 12. Speak in an audible whisper or YELL EVERYTHING 13. Strip when asked to take out your CV 14. Claim that it is for legal use 15. Parrot the interviewer and repeat everything they say and finally...

16. Go home with the interviewer

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12

A Love Letter to Unemployment As I sit here at my desk, staring at the clock, waiting for the end of another excruciating work day, I can't help but think of you. My freedom. No man or woman to tell me what to do. Nobody to stop me from taking 3 hour lunches. My time to do with what I want.

As I sit here at my desk, staring at my screen, watching my friends go to Cuba and the subsequent images they post on Facebook, I can't help but think of you. My freedom.

No reasons not to leave the city. The open road beckoning. My skin basking in the sun.

As I sit here at my desk, staring at my wallet, thinking of the time in which it was empty and the days in which everything was out of reach, I can't help but think of you.

My freedom. At a cost. No money to take 3 hour lunches, no money to leave the city. My life spent at home.

From, You know, maybe work isn't so bad. the working man

How to: Build a C.V.

: O D

00 Include a Dick Pick 00 Share your SSID# 00 Staple $100 Bill 00 Use Strikethrough 00 Print on Black Paper 00 include hyperlinks 00 Include childhood acheivements 00 Threaten the well-being of their family

: t ’ n O D

00 Use any machinized printing utilities; a CV written in blood shows how serious you are.

00 Include past work experience; it’ll make them jealous 00 Forget to include any pets you’ve previously owned.

00 Include your email, it will only lead to spam

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Gragan Weinsttone

123 Address St

Written by Grace Weinstein and Morgan Mattone plz hire u$

(123) 456-7890

How to: Present a C.V.

Anytown, NY 01000101*

Gragan Weinsttone

no_reply@example.com 123 Address St

Written by Grace Weinstein and Morgan Mattone plz hire u$

(123) 456-7890

Anytown, NY 01000101* no_reply@example.com

EXPERIENCE - Mainly Sexual.

SKILLS

Club Super Sexe — Professional Dancer

Chug time lower than my

EXPERIENCE I don’t have -aMainly formalSexual. coin slot but I’m sure we can come up with

GPA SKILLS

something.

Professional procrastinator Chug time lower than my I don’t know how to code in C GPA

Club Super Sexe — Professional Dancer IDrunken don’t haveDebate a formalTeam, coin slotCabane but I’m Colonial sure we can up with —come Master Debater something.

Doesn’t let anybody puke alone.

but I can google the hell out Professional procrastinator of it to make you think I do

Drunken Debate Team, Cabane Colonial — Master Debater The Bedroom, Trottier lounge — Reverse Cowgirl

I don’t know how to code in C Gives really good head. but I can google the hell out Can the of it masterbate to make youwith think I do

Doesn’t let anybody puke alone.

Tasks included Massage Therapy, Epidermal Relaxation, Orifice Stretcher. Note- not allergic to latex.

The Bedroom, Trottier lounge — Reverse Cowgirl Tasks included Massage Therapy, Epidermal Relaxation, Orifice Stretcher.

Note- not allergic to latex.

EDUCATION

E-Week School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, @ Pitted — Debauchery EDUCATION I don’t remember - the apocalypse

E-Week School of Witchcraft Wizardry, @potions.

Pitted — Classes include broom-riding, wand and raising, and mixing Debauchery I don’t remember - the apocalypse

McGill University, Montreal — Can kind of do an integral.

Classes include broom-riding, wand raising, and mixing potions.

August 2069 - ?????

Has learned how to be my own professor.

McGill University, Montreal — Can kind of do an integral.

non-dominant hand.

Gives really good head.

Can masterbate with the non-dominant hand.

AWARDS 2am Poutine Boat Race champion of la Banquise AWARDS Still hasn’t gotten Mono after 2am Poutine Boat Race being in university for 3 years champion of la Banquise Finally took a shit in a public Still hasn’t gotten Mono after restroom on campus being in university for 3 years Participation Ribbon at 5th Finally took a shit in a public grade science fair restroom on campus

August 2069 - ?????

Participation Ribbon at 5th

Has learned how to be my own professor.

PROJECTS

grade science fair LANGUAGES

Eclipse Project — “Hello World!”

Speaks Spanish after 5 shots

PROJECTS Managed to print Hello World! It looks like this: System.out.println(“Hello World!”);

Eclipse Project — “Hello World!”

Managed to print Hello World! It looks like this: System.out.println(“Hello World!”);

of Tequila LANGUAGES Speaks after 5avec shots “VoulezSpanish vous coucher of Tequila moi?”

“Voulez avec Can readvous goodcoucher body language. moi?”

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Can read good body language.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12

Battle Hymn of the PCs

by Daniel Galef

CHORUS 1:

Oh, I’d rather be a player than some lousy NPC! I’ve got my own volition in this MMORPG! I’ve died ten times, but never took an arrow to the knee, unlike some dashed NPC!

To the tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and any of several hundred schoolhouse ditties and drinking songs with titles that begin “I’d Rather Be . . . .”

The reader is encouraged to substitute for the words “lousy” and “dashed” suitable unprintable replacements from their imaginations.

VERSE 1:

My level rises, and my stats continue to increase, while skeletons and giant rats are slaughtered, piece by VERSE 4: piece.

Glory, glory to the warrior on the field, No algorithm rules me: that’s a truth that gives some peace. and anger, anger at the dragon he has killed, Will wonders ever cease? and pity, pity on the n00bz whose blood was spilled, the admin will be thrilled!

(CHORUS 1)

VERSE 2:

I’m Politically Correct and I use Personal Computers, but PC really means that I can set alight the routers with raids in caves and castles, fighting rogues and thieves and looters.

And I don’t mind first-person shooters!

(CHORUS 1) VERSE 3:

My friends will never leave me, not in woe and not in strife, they’ll follow right behind and play the drum and play the fife.

The same could not be said about my family or my wife.

Now gaming is my life.

(CHORUS 1) VERSE 5:

I’ve been noticing I always wear the same few sets of clothes, and I always say the same few things to strangers, I suppose.

My coworker asked if I knew of quests; I said ‘Who knows?”

Some mystery arose . . . .

CHORUS 2:

Oh, I’d rather be a player than some lousy NPC! Have I got my own volition in this real-life RPG? I’ve never died, but when I do, what respawn will I see?

Am I an NPC?

(CHORUS 1)

“

“

MORBID FACT OF THE WEEK #1

Brushing your teeth is essentially polishing your skeleton.

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February 10th, 2016

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Did you know?

FUNTIME NEW YEAR'S TRIVIA FACTOIDS

by Daniel Galef

At a New Year’s Eve party in 1852, The term “New Year’s Day” was a young Abraham Lincoln heaved coined by Shakespeare in “The a mill log into a willow tree which Merry Wives of Windsor,” and the stuck so fast that it did not fall name prior to the play was simply until the next December 31, at “The First Day.” precisely midnight.

The eve to salt the bedde and baill the haye, New Year’s Day has the single An’ annye werk before the new highest rates of postal fraud of yeares day. any day on the calendar.

The tradition of paper crackers Once a year on midnight began in Victorian England as a December 31, the world’s substitute for edible crackers in computers are temporarily workhouses. compromised due to their datekeeping algorithm, and Because New Year’s has no security systems would be meaning at the South Pole, defenseless were it not the case scientists at the Amudsen-Scott that potential criminals were all research base instead celebrate at parties. the birthday of Copernicus, who happened to be born on January The plastic party noisemaker was 1st. patented by a young, unknown Richard Nixon.

New Year’s Day falls on a different date every year.

New Year’s Eve was not an official U.S. holiday until declared so In certain parts of the world, it in 1931 by Herbert Hoover in an is believed that only by imbibing effort to raise morale during the heavily, wearing outlandish Great Depression. ceremonial headgear, and counting backwards in unison will the sun rise again on New Year's Day.

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The shape of modern champagne flutes were in fact closely based on the shape of older champagne flutes.

Confetti is Italian for “little conifer needles,” and derives from the tradition of dousing deposed aristocrats with pine clippings.

The Ancient Greeks celebrated the new year at a festival in early spring, because the astronomical tools had not yet been developed to calculate its date more precisely.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12

E-Week is known as one of the loudest and rowdiest events on campus, or at least that’s what it has been known as for in years past.

trekked back and forth across the city, from St. Laurent, to St. Catherine, to St. Laurent, to the Latin Quarter, to Gerts, to McGill College, and finally back to St. Laurent.

As someone who enjoys walking in this city, especially after having had a beer or seven, I actually enjoyed the distance.

Three-Man is one of the cornerstones of E-Week: an event that is so crazy that even Carnival doesn’t attempt it, and one who’s rowdiness can be felt anywhere The part that worried me was the timing and within a two-block radius. This year however, due to the pressure to make “bonus stops” in order for some scheduling conflicts and some unlucky dice rolls, the team to really feel like they the game was much shorter and were drinking at the rate they far less rowdy than anticipated. wanted. With only 7 beers over Sure, there were some drunks the 4-hour march, people were dancing with noisemakers and sobering up way too much. As the leader of there was plenty of chanting, but it lacked a group of 20, I, like many others, was the je-ne-sais-quoi of an all-out balls-toby Dick Grillson encouraged to make the crawl a the-wall rager that it has had in the little more enjoyable. So, I rallied past. Chanting “we are thirsty!” the troops, everyone pitched just simply isn’t as fun. in a toonie, 24 PBR’s were As a person that spent a acquired (5.9% of course), an lot of time hyping E-Week and alley was found, and the beers telling friends how fun it had were shot-gunned. Really, it was been in the past, I couldn’t help great fun. We made two such but to feel that I had let them down stops, each one lasting no more and made empty promises. The than 5 minutes. The empties game ended unceremoniously were placed in a conveniently with the crowd, thirsty and located recycling bin, and we a little let down, chanting, moved on, our hearts and “sixty-nine more rounds!”

BACs ever so slightly elevated.

As a campus with a What worries me is: what if ew continually rotating population t fu of it hadn’t been so smooth? What e Th and a relatively short memory, th re e d if the resident whose parking space n -Ma ls, a a reputation must be upheld. If the n, lo raw we were using called the police while we C ng P ub perceived quality of an event dips one year, were there? What if another group didn’t collect sales the next year will be lower, even if it has and dispose of their empties so politely? What could historically great reviews. the repercussions of something like this be? Could a I understand that a last minute venue cancellation serious run-in with the police threaten the future of and the fact that the attendance at Three-Man was drinking events on campus? double last years’ would change things significantly.

We live in a time where a work-hard-play-hard This article is not meant to shame the coords nor to say culture like McGill’s is a dying breed. School policies, they did a poor job, but to illuminate the importance of varied drinking ages, and local outcries have shut events like this and of maintaining their reputation in down so many similar cultures. As a strong proponent the future. and benefactor of this fun-loving culture, I want to see Next, the Pub Crawl (or perhaps, the Pub it stick around. Losing the reputation for rowdiness Hike). This year’s E-Week Pub Crawl was a grueling and risking police run-ins changes the perception of 11-kilometer walk with 7-8 stops included. The route the event, and jeopardizes the future of E-Week. lr

eo

fE

ic a

-W ee

ri t Ac

k

Sixty Nine More Rounds

i

ur

ev

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February 10th, 2016

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You Want a Job? You Got It! Forget What You’ve Heard Forget What You’ve Read (Even if it’s in This Publication) Look No Further Because This Is Your One Stop Shop For All the Advice You Need For Your Next Job Interview Easy Tips and Tricks To Find the Job That You Want Read About Exclusive Methods to Exude the Confidence You Want to Land That Job! Do You Believe the Size of Your Genitals is Negatively Affecting Your Work Experience? Read on to Learn How to Control The Size of Your Body Parts!

Has Anyone Laughed at You For The Size of Your Genitals Whether They Be Too Large Or So Small?

Have You Ever Thought “Why Do People Feel the Need to Comment On the Size of My Genitals?”

Learn To Smite the Naysayers of Your Tiny Genitals in Three Easy Steps!

So Easy a Caveman (like Johnson) With Larger Genitals Can Do It. That’s Right Johnson, I’m Calling You Out. I don’t know how you got Diane to leave me after you fired me but I’ll get back at you!

Forgotten Headlines x

Faucet Past:

It’s really about being your true self. In the same vein as “forget all the h8rz,” it’s imperatively important to avoid replicating someone else’s identity and their subsequent characteristics. When all is lost, one can only start from square one and build back from the base.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12

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February 10th, 2016

The Intern: Part 2

by Eddy Sayar

Slowly Dying of Boredom

Hi again, Eddy here. I’ve somehow managed to survive the fiasco on the first day and keep my job. It turns out that claiming that our main consumer is the Product Manager’s mother wasn’t the best way to get into his good graces and so I’ve been on a short leash ever since.

The fact that his office is right behind me doesn’t help either. Some days I can feel it, his piercing gaze burning into the back of neck. The intent to fire is strong. Any mistake I make could be the end of my short....

“Eddy, can I see you in my office please?”

Eddy stands up and turns to face the PM. He’s at his desk, eyeing his prey through the door. The lowly intern began to panic as he frantically tried to remember anything that could have upset the Product Manager. Sweating through his dress shirt, he began to make his way to the desk.

“Close the door, take a seat,” he says.

can’t be fired from his first internship. That’s a black mark for life. He’d never work again. Eddy sank further into his seat. He couldn’t let it end this way.

If he’s going down, he’s going down kicking and screaming.

“I just have to say that your work has been …”

“I quit - “ “… exemplary.”

A chill creeped up Eddy’s spine as he closed the door, turning to face his boss’ boss.

“So I called you in here to talk about your performance at this company.”

“What?”

“Forget it, what were you saying about my performance?”

Dang, that was close.

Daniel Galef

An unrelated, yet relevant sketch

Dark circles began to form under his arms; Eddy wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. He

“Smoking! I quit smoking.”

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 31 No. 12

Walrus on the Walls

by Gonezo The mysterious scrawlings on bathroom walls leaves many wondering who writes them, what was on their mind at the time, and how far along their poop they really were. A particularly interesting series of bathroom graffiti has come to my attention. In the men’s washroom on second floor of the Redpath end of the McLennan Library lies a secluded washroom, covered in cult like text.

I’ve questioned quite a few of my constituents about. “Never been,” said one of my peers, “I’ve been there sure, but I’ve never seen any grafitti,” said another. “What are you talking about? There is no bathroom on the second floor. Nothing. At. All. Especially not related to the most powerful amphibious mammal known to man.” A few responded in this manner, and I was beginning to get alarmed.

Aware of the fate of the fellow who goes too deep I came here, the only publication that would run my story. Please, PLEASE take this seriously. The writing is on the wall people, it’s clear as day. There is a sect of students whose sole intention is to bring back the Finnish god Iku- Turso, a monstrous walrus known as the god of war. Their goal is to commit acts of violence against SSMU Club, then Montreal, then the world in a walrus-y rage. That, or it’s a word association of a mad man on the shitter who linked the walls to a walrus. But it’s definitely the former.

In an effort to provide proof, I’ve recorded the bathroom scriptures and transcribed them here. These self-proclaimed “Walrites” speak of their strength in numbers, immortality, and unavoidable rapture:

WALRUS ERGO SUM Fear the Walrus for he fears you Love the walrus for he loves you The Walrus is Dead, Long Live the Walrus Came to shit, got distracted, so much stuff about walruses; Now I’m constipated but Also Fascinated For what is life but an egg?

For what is the walrus but a man?

We are the Egg-man They are afraid of words and thoughts; words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at Home- all the more powerful because forbidden- terrify them. A little walrus of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic. They make frantic efforts to bar our thoughts and words; they are afdraid of the workings of the human mind.

LONG LIVE THE WALRUS. My friends I have decided to go into hiding. It seems a majority of my assignments have been covered in the word walrus. Please, walrus out for these walrites, I fear if we do not walrus soon they will walrus the world until there isn’t a single walrus left to walrus. Walrus walrus, walrus walrus walrus. Walrus, fair walrites, walrus.

An EUS Publication