The Confidential Issue

September 28th, 2015

CONTRIBUTERS

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editor-In-Chief

Ahhhh, tis the season for censorship. Pumpkin spice is in the air, SSMU Club ratatat-tat-tapping their fingers nefariously, and of course censorship is on the rise. As one of the few remaining humor publications at McGill (R.I.P. in peace Red Herring), it’s only natural for administration to point their guns at us. Humor is humor, and we never mean to offend; except for you asdasdfas . If you think you’re one of the craven few, turn to page 13, there’s a brand new section with you in mind!

When this undoubtedly triggers the remaining readers we have (please advise), there’s a brand new system in place for disclaimers, just to the left of this very letter.

Malcolm McClintock

Layout Editors

Liam Duff-Meadwell Katharine Callahan

Writers

Ashkaan Mohtashami Daniel Galef Eddy Sayar Malcolm McClintock Liam Duff-Meadwell John Karpuk

The Censorship Issue

Illustrators

Manon Chiorri Malcolm McClintock Matt Wolf

Support

Camille Warner

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, & faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 32 no. 2

Monday, September 28th, 2015 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

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Fear not faithful fauceteers, we’ve only downsized from 5 slurs per page to 3, on the shenanigans scale we’re at about a 4, and we’ve only reached dickcon 2. Plenty of room left to censoredcensoredcensoredcensored censored censored censored censored. In fact, we’re passing the tom-foolery on to you! The Dollarama Drinking Game (DDG) is back in action, as well as the brand new additon of the Netflix Drinking Game; get out there and make us proud.

If you happen to be experimenting this year, experiment with us. Engineering publications are booming this semester (s/o Plumber’s Ledger), and even more changes are on the horizon. But we need you! Editors, writers, drinkers, phallic artistes etc., this boat cannot stay afloat without you. Just as an added incentive, Faucet goes Cosmo next issue ;) (shameless winky face).

Beer Engineer season is in full swing; Beer Nye the MERTW Guy, Oktoberfest, and the brand new Beer Die League (brought to you by the kind folk from Engineering Socials Commitee) all in the course of a week. Drink (semi) responsibly, and if you don’t want to do that, tie a name-tag to your ankle: just in case.

With much love,

Malcolm Mc clintock Printed at Copi-EUS

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World Record Attempt Sabotaged; Giant Smoothie Not to Be

A Message From Old Foss

by Daniel Galef

The proud engineers of the world frequently come abreast of the testy issue of obscenity and how best to offend everybody efficiently. Unrelated, or even inversely correlated with professional achievement, many brilliant technical minds throughout history have managed to break the Enigma Code only to become ensnared by the Hayes Code, to construct dazzling electromechanical brains capable of passing the Turing Test while simultaneously falling prey to the Roth Test. Just recently, some boob from NASA who had the audacity to pussyfoot about in a girlie shirt was crucified by the anonymous hordes of cyberspace dicks, who were simply being their normal, overly cocky selves. It is necessary while appraising such a titillating offense to assess its severity against the opposite effect produced, and not to be met with miserly appreciation of any potential mitigating factors. It must not be forgotten that we, too, are members of this countrythus, operating under the freedom-preserving articles of law framed for the purpose of promoting satire and free criticism of authority- our wholesome and patriotic rallying cry of “I am a country member!”

The scene was set: lower quad, 3:00p.m., an expectant crowd.

There was an awed hush as Senior Chef Oliver de Volpi (surprisingly neither a Tintin character nor a fictional vampire) readied the fifteen-foot-high Blendtec rotary blender, its twin steel scythelike blades gleaming in the red afternoon sun. The sun was still, and hung motionless above the dreaming spires of a campus that had seen almost everything; the air was languid, waiting. Balanced on the edge of the moment, as if placed there by an occult hand, all eyes turned to the awe-inspiring loom of the crystal vat that would soon, oh so soon, house a worldrecord-size smoothie, the like of which has not been seen on the face of the earth since the days of the great Roman battle-chefs and their cyclopean colosseums full of fruit juice.

By now, however, I am sure that my readers are all aware of how catastrophically awry McGill’s plan to prepare the largest smoothie ever consumed has gone. The idea, the culmination of a long line of annual voluminous culinary stunts (beginning with 2012’s fantastic fruit cake, progressing through aught-thirteen with a tremendous tomato pie, right up to last year and its behemoth, brobdignagian brownie) was all set to be executed on Tuesday September 1st, during Frosh and Orientation, amid the massed crowds on the lower quad.

Unfortunately, at the integral moment, some jokester, later identified as a member of the Dairy and Milk Movement (a subversive campus group dedicated to bringing about the downfall of our western way of life), lobbed a single scoop of vanilla ice cream into the churning brew. Although

is to be respectfully and memoriously

Books to Burn

answered by our readers’ resounding chorus of

at Your Next Friendly Neighborhood Mob (Lest the Irony Be Just a Little Too Much)

“We remember!”

...penis.

Farenheit 451 Bonfire of the Vanities Dante’s Inferno

by Daniel Galef

An EUS Publication

Printed at Copi-EUS

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a seemingly innocuous act, it bespoke disaster for the entire event.

“The definitions are very clear,” the representative from Guinness (who also appeared last year to aid in the record-breaking St Patrick’s Day Blues Pub) explained. “A smoothie is fruit, ice, and possibly yoghourt, or, if making the smoothie in America, yogurt. It may even contain vegetables, nuts, soy milk, or wheat germ, if you hate yourself.

But as soon as you add ice cream, whatever the amount, it becomes a milkshake.”

Unfortunately, the milkshake record is approximately four times the volume of the smoothie record, which had been set in 1876 by two brothers in a Boston creamery.

The brothers wished to placate disgruntled factory workers who were angry at the recently fatality of two coworkers, torn to death by the skimming machine. To McGill Administrations dismay, no title was awarded whatsoever.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 2

A Final Word from Woody

by Woody I heard that the Faucet is getting censored.

Well considering that this may be the last time that I’ll be allowed to write my true and most opinions without being censored, allow me to do so.

Well, let’s start with what I think about the time I decided to try to make my own quinoa mffins. , but make them super- moist and satisfying. If you add the right ingredients, your healthy muffins can be just as sweet and delicious as many of the less nutritious muffins out there. Make sure you cook the quinoa until it’s tender because no one wants to bite into a crunchy muffin! Look on your package of quinoa to see if you need to rinse it. I did rinse my quinoa with a colander and a paper towel, but an easier method would be to use a fine mesh sieve. I read that by rinsing the quinoa, it can help take away some of the bitterness.

These muffins came out moist, with an earthy carrot taste. I don’t like to add raw carrots to the batter because I find them to be too raw and crunchy when eating the muffins. The carrot puree adds moisture and gives the muffins a nice, even texture.

Allison Topilow, MS, RD, CDN, Nutrition Consultant, loves these muffins because they provide fiber, antioxidants, healthful fats, and protein. Great for breakfast or an afternoon pick me-up! Pair with a cup of low-fat milk or plain low-fat yogurt and fresh fruit depending on your hunger level. Make a double batch and freeze some for when you are in a hurry!

Kid Friendly Tips: Have your child help rinse the quinoa. Kids can help puree the carrots and add the ingredients to the food processor. My kids love to press the pulse button on the food processor, with supervision of course. Have them add some of their own spices into the batter, such as ground ginger or ground nutmeg.

And that’s what I think about muffins.

Editor’s Note: I didn’t even know about that orifice.

Frostbite to Conquer Supply and Demand

by Playboy’s Theatre Presents: with New Location The Draining of the Brew With the coming year bringing new students, another great OAP, and the sweet, sweet release of your separation anxiety finally coming to an end as you re-enter the womb that is McGill University, there are new changes being implemented that you will need to focus on! After over 30 years of great business, the managers at Frostbite have decided to open up another store. This new ice cream boutique, currently being dubbed “Pneumonia”, is set to open its doors this coming September.

Dick Phon, one of Frostbite’s managers, is being put in charge of the new location. When asked, Mr. Phon spoke at length about the decision. “The scrolls tell of the year of the Goat, when the stone of Rosetta doth send an emissary to the travelling skies, and when the Greeks fall from their homoerotic pillars into a swirling abyss of turmoil. At this time, the Gods demand an expansion of earthly pleasures, in particular that of creamed ice.”

The space that Pneumonia will be taking up currently houses the Engineering Undergraduate Society’s (EUS) General Store. “What better location? That corridor has a great wealth of untapped potential to whom Pneumonia can sell its frozen treats to,” Mr. Phon said, “The Gods will be pleased with the continued supply of brain-frozen mortals.” As for what will happen to the General Store, Mr. Phon simply repeated the Latin phrase “In abyssum rumpitur flamma” whilst staring into space with what we could only surmise to be tears of joy streaming down his face. Sadly, the Faucet’s Latin correspondent is completely inept and only speaks Spanish, (not to be confused with the ancient language Latin, as one would reasonably assume).

The rest of the Frostbite team has been supportive of the EUS’s expansion. “Ever since Dick came out of that vast, unexplored cavern in the mountains of Italy, he’s been super nice

An EUS Publication

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about, like, everything,” said Emi Yukang, one of Mr. Phon’s employees.

“Yeah, he’s been a little strange I guess.

Like whenever he’s reading that old book he found, it’s kind of hard to get his attention. He pulls off this funny ‘eyes-become-completely-black-andspeaking-in-tongues’ thing, and that’s really entertaining for the kids.”

After our interview with Mr. Phon last week, he began a silent vigil, complete with candles in geometric shapes in the EUS Mall floor; though to our surprise there hasn’t been a single student society rallying behind his cause. Ms. Yukang gave insight; “Dick’s super into this idea. Last night he even painted the shapes himself with red paint!

Then he brought all the employees dinner that he cooked himself! It was SO good! We didn’t really know what it was, but it tasted incredible! Some sort of stew with cow tongue I think? He couldn’t say because of the silent vigil thing, but that doesn’t change how considerate it was of him!”

By the 5-pointed star and circle that Mr. Phon had painted, he wrote (in red paint, of course) lovely words of encouragement for his employees:

“We embody the will of the Gods. All shall tremble before our ice cream scoops.”

Printed at Copi-EUS

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Netflix Drinking Game: by woody I am a Netflix-addict, and after a few years in our awesome, albeit mentally and physically damaging, faculty, I am also an alcoholic.

So what better way to satisfy both of these addictions than with a movie drinking-game.

Every week, I’ll select one movie currently available on Netflix and provide our readers with drinking rules and challenges to spot.

There are three levels of play for my version of this drinking game: 1) Tipsy Tina 2) Drunk Dave and 3) Blackout Bob. For the first level, you take a single swig of beer for every situation listed under this level. For the second level, you take two swigs of beer for every situation listed under Tipsy Tina AND a shot of vodka for every rule under Drunk Dave. On the third level, you take four swigs of beer for every situation listed under Tipsy Tina, two shots of vodka for every rule under Drunk Dave AND a shot of your strongest drink for every situation under Blackout Bob. If you’re strongest drink is a vodka or is too expensive to waste, down your beer instead. As an additional rule, if two situations are brought up at the same time, the higher-level situation takes precedence.

This week’s movie is Eurotrip (2003). In an effort to not ruin the movie, here’s a short synopsis: After a brutal breakup during his high-school graduation, Scott takes a trip with his friends across Europe in an attempt to reconnect with his German pen-pal. Oh and if you haven’t watched this movie yet, it is absolutely an R-Rated Comedy.

An EUS Publication

Tipsy Tina:

• Drink whenever Brett is being an annoying little shit.

• Drink whenever a (now) famous movie actor shows up.

• Drink whenever homosexuality is played for laughs.

• Drink whenever a wild dildo appears.

• Drink whenever an actor has a surprisingly good European accent of any kind.

• Drink whenever a glamour shot that shows off a woman’s body is shown.

• Drink whenever a character fantasizes.

Drunk Dave:

• Drink whenever a shitty European accent is heard.

• Drink whenever Scotty fucks up • Drink whenever there is INCEST! • Drink whenever a joke from early on in the movie is repeated.

• Drink whenever a wild penis appears (1 shot per scene per penis).

• Drink whenever the situation could have gone really wrong.

Blackout Bob:

• Drink whenever a situation goes horribly wrong (or goes from bad to worse).

• Drink whenever a character “doesn’t know”.

• Drink a shot for every boob (2 drinks per pair, men included).

• Drink whenever subtitles are used.

• Drink whenever a joke is told that would be censored.

Printed at Copi-EUS

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September 28th, 2015

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 2

News From Around the World

by Jacques Strahp

SSMU Club to Build Wall around McGill Recent comments made by Republican presidential candidates regarding building walls on the Canadian and Mexican borders seem to have struck a chord with SSMU Club leadership. A source inside the club, who goes by the nickname “SSMole”, told us that SSMU Club is in the planning stage of constructing a massive wall around McGill.

“Picture the Wall in Game of Thrones,” said the SSMole, “and then add safe spaces and organic, student-run coffee shops on every block. That’s what they’re going for.” Our source believes that the wall will surround the entire downtown campus, and extend in certain areas to include Pizza Navona, Boustan’s and Peel Pub. As for a reason to why they are building this wall, the SSMole said that SSMU Club no longer wishes to co-exist peacefully with Concordia students, who they characterize as lifeless zombies that bring with them long winters . To ensure the exclusion of unwanted individuals (such as BLANKBLANK), SSMU Club will begin hiring students to serve as guards in the newly created SSWatch. Inside sources say there

is still no intention to schedule guards at the Redpath doors. “The outside world is a scary place,” said the SSMole, “Whereas the McGill bubble was a mere idea, SSMU Club is striving to cover that bubble in concrete and Martlets.”

News of the planning of this wall took all of us here at the Faucet by surprise.

As many of our dear readers know, we take school politics very, very, very, very, very, seriously; we attend every debate, meeting, protest, and camping trip on campus. The sudden movement for a McGill Bubble leads us to believe that within the core leadership of SSMU Club lies an offshoot, radical branch. There have been whispers on the streets about an omnipotent, footless Red God. Despite all the tumult, there is good news; the construction of the wall has used up all the student funds that remained after the SSMUthie incident of 2015. Thus puts to rest any fear of the construction of a SSMU Club Death Star for this year.

An EUS Publication

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New Debate Rules to be Implemented by the Republican Party The Republican Party is set to introduce new rules and protocols to be used for all future debates, announced megalomaniac and Supreme Leader of the GOP (pronounced “gawp”). This comes after last week’s CNN Debate, which one insider called dry, humourless and more pointless than FACC 100. The TV ratings were also down, which has left the GOP’s henchman scrambling for another heated red-herring of a topic to throw into the Fox News echo chamber.

It has been stipulated that members of the audience will be given clickers and the chance to vote for the candidate with the best arguments. Such a decision was inspired by successful programming such as The Voice, and America’s Got Some Abilities. After the commencement

confetti, candidates will be given ten minutes to use as many buzzwords as possible. Once the voting proceeds, the candidate with the lowest score will have his/her trapdoor open up, dropping them into a cage filled with eagles with laser beams on their heads. “Initially we wanted sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads,” commented the head of the GOP, “but I was told that they aren’t nearly patriotic or endangered enough”. The GOP’s next in charge, commonly known as Number Two, further explained: “Americans want action; they want blood. So we’re giving it to them.

Now before you say that eagles don’t quite capture the carnivorous nature of politics, don’t worry; these are illtempered, mutated eagles that thirst only for the sweet, sweet human flesh. We’re very well prepared”.

The GOP hopes that this improvement to the debating process will help raise the voters’ interest, while simultaneously force candidates to think on their feet.

Gambling will also be introduced, with all proceeds going to the Kerplachistan Nuke Acquisition Kickstarter. “All in all, we’re very confident with these developments,” concluded Number Two, “We think people will really like the addition of real danger to an otherwise less-popular-than-TheVoice event”.

Justice has never been so majestic Printed at Copi-EUS

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 2

Inoffensive Material

We here at the Plumber’s Faucet are well aware that public outcry is unpredictable and hair-triggered, whereas our tastelessness can offend those who are faint of spleen. To prevent any further inequitable garbage from entering the ears of said yellow-bellies (and of course all ROYGBIV-bellies), we’re attempting a new brand of humor. Here, in place of the ordinary phallic content, is a two-page spread of totally and inarguably inoffensive material.

An EUS Publication

Printed at Copi-EUS

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 2

In the interest of presenting our esteemed readers with contemporary accounts of significant historical events as a part of our long-running article series “Vignettes from History,” the Plumber’s Faucet is proud to present the following famous primary source, Edwin M. Stanton’s first dispatch relating to the public the shooting of President Abraham Lincoln, originally published in the New York Times immediately following the tragedy. Of course, sensibilities have subtly evolved across the last sesquicentennial period, measures have been taken to discretely and discreetly bowdlerize the more problematic elements of the text ad usum all our happy little special snowflake delphini. Naturally, the title has been subtly altered to correspond to the changes.

President Lincoln Contracts Mysterious Personal Ailment after Evening of Fripperous Lollygaggery with First Lady and Two Guests; Secretary Seward Similarly Affected Following Presidential Visit; General Grant and Cabinet Cheer the Commander in Chief with Various and Sundry Miscellaneous Merriments

by Edwin M. Stanton; expurgated for a respectable and responsible readership by Daniel Galef The assassin then leaped upon the when he met the assasin, inflicted upon him stage, brandishing a large dagger who one or more dangerous or knife, and made his escape in wounds. The recovery of the rear of the theatre.

FREDERICK SEWARD is doubtful.

The pistoi ball entered the It is not probable that the back of the President's head and President will live throughout the penetrated nearly through the night. head. The wound is mortal. The Gen. GRANT and wife were President has been insensible advertised to be at the theatre ever since it was inflicted, and is this evening, but he started to now dying.

Burlington at 6 o'clock this About the same hour an evening. assassin, whether the same or At a Cabinet meeting at which not, entered Mr. SEWARD's Gen. GRANT was present, the apartments, and under the pretence of having a prescription, subject of the state of the country was shown to the Secretary's sick and the chamber. The assassin immediately rushed to the bed, and inflicted two or three stabs on the throat and two on the face. It is hoped the wounds may not be mortal. My apprehension is that they will prove fatal.

The nurse alarmed Mr. FREDERICK SEWARD, who was in an adjoining room, and hastened to the door of his father's room, An EUS Publication

prospect of a speedy peace was discussed. The President was very cheerful and hopeful, and spoke very kindly of Gen. LEE and others of the Confederacy, and of the establishment of government in Virginia.

All the members of the Cabinet except Mr. SEWARD, are now in attendance upon the President.

I have seen Mr. SEWARD, but he and FREDERICK were both unconscious

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Return of the Dollarama Drinking Game

At long last the challenge returns. A Bohemian tradition, the Dollarama Drinking

Game (DDG) puts your patience, wit, and creativity to the test. The rules are simple; go to your nearest dollar store, pick up any item that is not intended for liquids, and use it as your cup at the next Blues Pub. Here’s the catch: any item that has previously been used by someone is ineligible. For example, Simba (to the left) is drinking out of a traffic cone; nobody else may use a traffic cone thereafter. As time passes and items become fewer, the weak are weeded out.

The games begin this Friday at the

ESC & SEAM Blues Pub. If you think you are up to the challenge, take a picture with your item and post it on the Facebook Group! The most creative drinkers will be featured in the next issue of the Faucet!

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 2

Billie Bowdler’s Wholesome Hymnal of Hip and Happy Drinking Songs for the Entire Family

by Daniel Galef

(with apologies to Larry Vincent—actually, no, I don’t owe that jerk anything) I used to work in Chicago, at an old hardware store; I used to work in Chicago, and I still do as an exemplary employee with a significant pay raise.

A woman came in for a screw, Two flathead screws and a bag of washers she got, Because I recently took a seminar on upselling merchandise combinations.

A man came in for a rod, A set of vertical blinds and some wall mountings he got, Because it turned out that his window measurements did not conform to standard curtain rod dimensions.

A non-gender-binary person came in for a hammer, A slightly different hammer as well as an adjustable wrench xhe got, Because there happened to be a sale on those items at the time.

I used to work in Chicago, at an old hardware store; I used to work in Chicago, and I still do as an exemplary employee with a significant pay raise.

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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 2

Not Suitable for Children Manon Chiorri by

Congrats! If you have found this text, that means you have succesfully beaten the Spookerman that lives in the McConnell Tunnell. Your next clue is not east, not west, but where the true heart of McGill lies beneath the ocean blue. You will need 3 spades, two coils of rope (minimum six feet), and a lady deft of hand. Steel Heart of Nagrand lives!!

An EUS Publication