Fatherlessness: A Country in Crisis (November/December 2013)

A Country in Crisis BREAKING THE CYCLE OF FATHERLESSNESS

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ON THE COVER: Fatherless: A Country in Crisis “Fatherlessness is North America’s HIV epidemic.” While few statistics exist on the number of Canadian children growing up without a father, census data provides clues to the growing extent of the problem. The 2011 census reports a total of 1.5 million single parent families in Canada.

FEATURES: A Country in Crisis

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BREAKING THE CYCLE OF FATHERLESSNESS

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One Life at a Time | Frank Stirk Recognizing the needs of their communities, several ministries in Canada have stepped up to address the issue of fatherlessness. Still, there is still much work to do in filling the gaps that are all too common across the nation.

Breaking the cycle of fatherlessness | Craig Macartney Through an upcoming initiative, Promise Keepers Canada is at the forefront of addressing the needs of the fatherless. PKC is asking men to step up and make a difference in their communities.

Navigating Divorce: Staying True as Father | Q+A with counsellor Dave Ortis Though never ideal, always unfortunate and sometimes unbelievably painful, divorce is a reality—even for men in the Church. As part of its look at “fatherlessness,” SEVEN spoke with Dave Ortis, a staff counsellor for Focus on the Family Canada, on how divorced fathers can stay actively and positively involved in the lives of their children, and avoid the abandonment and alienation that can leave kids fatherless, in one sense or another.

The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada. one – A promise keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit. two – A promise keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises. three – A promise keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically and sexually. four – A promise keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values. five – A promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.

COLUMNS:

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SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

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PK Podium Leaving no man behind

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Sports Scene Exploring the lack of love for Tim Tebow

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The Single Life Can singles play a role in the lives of fatherless young men?

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Out of My Depth “I am fatherless…”

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What Women Want Bringing back excitement to intimate moments

six – A promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate that power of biblical unity. seven – A promise keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

DEPARTMENTS:

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Pulse Bits. Blips. Beats. Blurbs.

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Reviews Cracking the man code; Examining images of God

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Power Play Toys. Tools. Technology.

Publisher: Brian Koldyk Editorial Director: Jeff Stearns Managing Editor: Rob Horsley Copyeditor: Kelly Rempel ADVERTISING Rick Verkerk rick@promisekeepers.ca 1.888.901.9700

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EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD MARC BRULE: WellSpring Community Church ROB HORSLEY: ChristianWeek KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada MATT BREIMER: Promise Keepers Canada

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The PK Canada logo features a maple leaf, indicating our dedication to serve the men of Canada. An arrow breaks into the maple leaf symbolizing the impact we believe God wants to see Promise Keepers and men making in our nation.

A special thank-you to all the pastors who continually encourage us to communicate God’s truth with grace and love.

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“Be strong and courageous.”

Joshua 1:9

MEN’S CONFERENCE

Join men from all across Canada for Promise Keepers Canada’s Stronger men’s conferences.

Fantastic speakers, live music and resources to equip you for life.

“There’s a place in every man’s heart that longs to be courageous, to be bold and gutsy and etch a masculine mark of bravery on the human landscape.

In our hearts, we know that a part of the core of true manhood is courage.”

– STEPPING UP, AUTHOR DENNIS RAINEY

“Nehemiah’s life is a testament to courage. God is looking for leaders like Nehemiah to fight moral, physical, political, and spiritual battles.

He is looking for those who possess the spiritual courage to trust Him and take their faith in him into the daily battles of life.”

– A LEADER AFTER GOD’S OWN HEART, AUTHOR JIM GEORGE “The man who claims he’s never done anything courageous doesn’t understand what courage really is – or how often he faces decisions that require courage.”

– STEPPING UP, AUTHOR DENNIS RAINEY

“A real man rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously, and expects God’s greater reward.”

– MEN’S FRATERNITY CURRICULUM, AUTHOR ROBERT LEWIS

www.PromiseKeepers.ca

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“There comes into the life of every man a task for which he and he alone is uniquely suited. What a shame if that moment finds him either unwilling or unprepared for that which would become his finest hour.”

– WINSTON CHURCHILL

P K Podium

Leaving no man behind A look back at 2013

By Kirk Giles

Busy. Out of balance. Overwhelmed.

These are some of the key words I have heard over and over again from men across Canada.

The challenges that men face have not changed, and we should not expect that they will any time soon. After all, since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden we have seen broken relationships, work becoming hard, and man desperately searching for a sense of purpose and meaning to life.

The pace of life is also increasing the importance of ministries like Promise Keepers Canada. There needs to be a voice that works to cut through the noise and helps keep men focused on what is important. There needs to be a voice that will bring hope to men who are being beat down in their everyday life, and that will challenge men to step up to a better life as designed by God. When men are focused on what is right—everyone wins and God is honoured.

In 2013, Promise Keepers Canada Men’s Conferences provided a weekend for more than 10,000 men to stop and become refocused on what’s most important in life—to be alive in Christ and to walk every day in the power of His strength.

The PK@Home resources have reminded and equipped more than 55,000 men in Canada on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis to stay focused on what God says a man should be, rather than allowing culture and other influences to define us.

The PK@Church ministry has offered support to local churches across the country. In supporting the local church, we have equipped more than 1,500 men at PK workshops to be able to walk in God’s plan in various areas of their lives—from being husbands and fathers to sexual integrity. In addition, another 25,000 couples were assisted to keep moving forward in building a stronger marriage in a world that often makes it difficult to do so and 28,000 men were provided with tools to help them make fatherhood a major priority in their life.

The PK Missions ministry is helping men to turn their back on the message that success is found in what they gain.

Jesus teaches us that to gain our life, we must lose it. Short term mission trips with our partners at Edu-Deo ministries and the launch of the Fatherless Project is helping men to sacrificially lose their own life so others can discover life for themselves.

At Promise Keepers Canada, we dare to fight against the noise of the world and to bring clarity to men.

We are grateful for every person who supports us through prayer, time, and money. Together, we are going to leave no man behind!

Kirk Giles is the president of Promise Keepers Canada. However, his most important roles as a man are husband to Shannon and father to Carter, Joshua, Sydney and Samuel.

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Bits + Blips. Beats + Blurbs.

GUYS NIGHT OUT IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH! Just make sure to invite your friends U.K. study reports need to meet with friends twice a week to stay healthy New research from U.K. psychologist Robin Dunbar indicates that men need, on average, two “guy nights” each week to maintain good health.

“Bonds can be formed through a range of activities from team sports to male banter — or simply having a pint with your pals on a Friday night,” Dunbar says in the report.

While findings like these may seem a tad on the ‘wishy-washy’ side on the scientific scale, it turns out that Dunbar’s prescription is quite specific—two in-person meetings, twice each week.

Perhaps not so coincidentally, Guiness, the world-famous beer brewers, commissioned the research. Not surprisingly, the study cites the benefits of getting together for a pint with a handful of friends.

As originally reported by Daily Mail, Stephen O’Kelly, a Guinness spokesman says, “When guys get together physically and more frequently with their mates, their friendships become stronger, better and a richer life results.”

BEATS

by Rob Horsley, PULSE Editor

SINGLE DADS LEFT OUT TO DRY? Need for single-mother ministries still a bigger priority If you type the word “motherlessness” into a web browser or Microsoft Word document, a red line appears under the word, indicating a typo. As it turns out, the word can’t even be found in the dictionary. Fatherlessness, on the other hand, continues to be found all too easily.

A quick Google search will show that now more than ever, churches are aware of single mothers and are making efforts to reach out to them for support. But the question remains—are faith communities abandoning single dads?

While it may be true that single fathers often have a much more difficult time finding parental support from churches, it’s more likely that the supposed imbalance in single-parent ministries for mothers is simply reflective of an imbalance of need.

Jennifer Maggio, a leading authority on single parent issues and blogger for the Christian website Crosswalk.com, writes that “statistics continue to support [that] more than more than 97 percent of single parents in [the United States] are women,” meaning that by and large, single women are doing the bulk of the child-raising—alone.

Though single dads are marginally more common north of the border, The National Post reported in 2012 that women head roughly 80 per cent of lone-parent families.

Though perhaps the Church has a long way to go in reaching out to the oft-forgotten single dads, perhaps it’s reflective of the reality that “motherlessness” simply isn’t as big of an issue as fatherlessness, statistically speaking.

(Crosswalk.com)

(Daily Mail)

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BLURBS

HAVE “STAY-AT-HOME DADS” BECOME SOCIALLY ACCEPTED? And…is there any reason why they shouldn’t be?

The topic of whether it’s ‘right’ for men to be “stay-at-home dads,” is still somewhat controversial in Christian circles, despite changing attitudes and increasing prominence in modern society. While it’s becoming more and more common to see fathers take up the duties of “family raising” through roles that were traditionally held by women, not all agree that having fathers stay at home with the children while mothers act as income earners is the proper, “biblical” family arrangement.

In a 2008 video that has since been circulated by a number of internet sources, Mars Hill pastor Marc Driscoll cites 1 Timothy 5:8, saying, “If any man does not provide for the needs of his family is denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. You say, ‘that’s culture.’ No, that’s in the Bible.”

“If you cannot provide for your family, you’re not a man,” he adds. “Now maybe you get injured, you get sick, you get cancer...totally understood, we’re not legalists. But if you’re an able-bodied man, your job is to provide for the needs of your family.”

Though Driscoll’s comments have since generated an overwhelming amount of criticism, from Christians and non-Christians alike, his views are not unique. Owen Strachan, an associate professor at Southern Baptist Seminary’s undergrad arm, Boyce College, says that while “both men and women bear the image of God and so are fully invested for a life of meaningful service for God… men are called to be leaders, providers, protectors and women are nurturers… Women follow men in the home and the church.”

However, Strachan clarifies that the topic of stay-at-home fathers is an issue on which Christians can disagree without having the faith of the father called into question. Still, he argues that “God’s glory is in being a godly provider as a man and taking on the burden of provision and taking on this call of Genesis 3,” wherein Adam’s work, and Eve’s childbearing are said to be “cursed,” which he cites as the model for how families should structure themselves.

So is all this to say that children with stay-at-home dads are growing up without a ‘proper’ father figure?

Not so fast, says Sonny Lemon, a former Higher Education Administrator and current stay-at-home father. In an interview with popular Christian blogger Rachel Held Evans on her “Ask a…” column series, Lemon describes the challenges of being constantly bombarded with criticism for choosing to buck the role of primary income earner for his family.

“No matter how secure I was and still am in my decision to stay home, being told I am wrong on a regular basis does tend to wear you down.”

Lemon adds, “In many ways, [North] American culture, particularly that found within the evangelical church, is rooted in a 1950s mentality that demands ‘traditional’ roles for women and men, all the while failing to realize our Western ‘norm’ is barely over half a century old. Looking back to when our country was founded, most men worked from home. They stayed home all day with their kids. They may have worked out in the fields for hours on end, but they were at home.”

Lemon also questions modern interpretations of the 1 Timothy passage that Driscoll and others have cited as biblical support for their positions.

“We have mistakenly taken this to specifically and exclusively mean ‘to provide for financially,’ when that’s not what the intent was at all; we are to first and foremost place the emotional and physical well being of those in our families before our own wants.” He adds, “the verse starts off with the phrase ‘If anyone does not…’ which is a gender-neutral term only given the masculine inference in later translations of the Bible. So this theological caveman-like argument of ‘man provide money, woman take baby’ begins to erode away.”

Tiffany Kriner, an English professor at Wheaton College in Illinois says that she does not feel as though she’s “sidestepping” the Christian calling to biblical motherhood by acting as the primary breadwinner of her household, according to an article by Christianity Today.

“Being in a family and raising children for the Lord and for their good is absolutely the central thing,” she says. “I just think I do it better when I’m working.”

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FINDLAY, OH—In one of the stranger legal proceedings you’ll ever read about, an Ohio county judge recently denied Donald Miller Jr. (no relation to the popular Christian author of the same name) his request to have overturn a 1994 ruling that declared him “legally dead”— despite an in-court appearance from Miller himself, still very much alive.

According to a brief that appeared in The National Post, judge Allan Davis said, “We’ve got the obvious here. A man sitting in the courtroom, he appears to be in good health… I don’t know where that leaves you, but you’re still deceased as far as the law is concerned.”

Judge Davis ruled that Miller was past the legal three-year time limit for changing death rulings, and that the law was clear in cases such as these.

Robin Miller says she opposes her ex-husband’s request to overturn his status of “dead” claiming that she was financially unequipped to pay back the Social Security benefits she had previously received as a result of her former husband’s ‘death.’

Miller originally disappeared in the 1980s, which he claims was because he had lost his job and was an alcoholic.

But according to his ex-wife, Miller’s true cause of disappearance was due to a large accumulation of overdue child support payments, totaling more than $26,000 by 1994, as originally reported by The (Findlay) Courier.

Miller had lived in Florida and Georgia before resurfacing in 2005 in an attempt to get a driver’s license and re-instate his Social Security number.

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BLURBS

JUDGE RULES “YOU’RE STILL DEAD” DESPITE MAN’S IN-COURT APPEAL

The National Post, The Courier (Findlay, OH)

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Secretive Spouses. Divine Distortions.

Reviews by Cindy Janssens

WHAT YOUR HUSBAND ISN’T TELLING YOU: A GUIDED TOUR OF A MAN’S BODY, SOUL, AND SPIRIT

By David Murrow David Murrow is director of Church for Men, an organization dedicated to helping churches reach more men and boys by restoring a healthy, masculine spirit in Christian congregations.

He has a degree in anthropology, has served as elder in his church, and has been involved in the production and writing of television documentaries.

Murrow grew up in a home with an angry father and a pacifying mother. He became a Christian at age 15, met his wife at a Christian university, and became involved in the local church. However, after several decades of inner emotional struggle, he entered a rehab program to find and deal with the source of his frustrations, wounds, and deadness of heart.

Out of this experience, Murrow wrote this book, tailored to female readers, to help them understand the powerful forces that shape their husbands, and to teach them how honesty with their husbands is a way of helping them be honest in return.

Murrow attempts to describe the inner thoughts of the average, stable male in modern Western society, including what they think but never tell their wives. In his view, the foundation of manhood is that of Provider and Protector. He moves on to unpack the inner workings of a man through the framework of body, soul, and spirit. In his view, a husband and wife must experience intimacy on all three levels, if they are to experience oneness as a couple.

Finally, Murrow addresses women directly, outlining practical ways they can stop trying to improve their husbands and work on freeing him—body, soul, and spirit.

Although Murrow’s style of writing is easy to read, frank, and direct, it is provocative and often borders on arrogance.

Although many men would relate to his style of writing, this book is addressed primarily to women. The style may be a turn-off and cause some women to close the book before really hearing Murrow’s message.

Murrow is sharing from his own point of view as a man, and does not claim to be a psychologist; however, when he tries to back up his premises with theological interpretations, such as his conclusion that Adam desired to be like God and that is why he became Provider and Protector, Murrow falls short. This, too, may be a barrier to the reader.

Overall, the book is informative, and may be enlightening for many women. If one can look beyond the provocative tone of the book, there is much to be learned that can strengthen marriages.

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reviews

GOD DISTORTED: HOW YOUR EARTHLY FATHER AFFECTS YOUR PERCEPTION OF GOD AND WHY IT MATTERS.

By John Bishop John Bishop is the senior pastor of Living Hope Church in Vancouver, Washington. He is an international speaker, and has a master’s degree in evangelism and leadership. He shares how his own pain-filled childhood, and various father figures therein, distorted his view of his heavenly Father. It also affected his own ability to father his own three children, one of whom is presently in prison. However, he holds out hope that healing and restoration is possible when we ultimately see God as the Father He truly is.

Bishop says he wrote this book after reading a quote by theologian A.W. Tozer who said, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” Bishop takes this to mean that believing how we see God determines how we relate to Him as well as determining everything else about us.

Bishop separates the book into three parts. First, he identifies different types of fathers who may cause our view of God to become distorted. He helps the reader recognize the relational and emotional impact fathers can have on their offspring’s lives during childhood and how those effects can last into adulthood.

Then Bishop moves from what is, to what can be, as he describes who our heavenly Father truly is, as defined in God’s Word. Finally, he presents practical steps people can take to move toward inner healing and a clearer view of God’s unconditional love, as well as bringing restoration to the lives of those around the them.

In a writing style that is clear, pastoral, humble, and real, Bishop allows us to peer into his own closet of fatherlessness and reveals that he is still on his own journey of healing. With practical, biblical insight, he walks alongside the reader, sharing his own testimony and that of others, to help readers identify and deal with their own issues, encouraging them to be free of the pain of memories and walk the road to healing.

I was immediately drawn into this book from the moment I read the foreward written by Ruth Graham. She openly shares the abandonment she felt by her world-renowned evangelist father, Billy Graham, as he followed God’s call on his life, and her journey to healing. This helped me lay down any of my own mental barriers or excuses. It freed me to really hear and learn from Bishop’s testimony.

No matter what my own experience was with my earthly father, until I identify those things that have distorted my view of God, I will never become all God intended me to be.

Cindy Janssens is the Assistant to the President of Promise Keepers Canada. She is most importantly, a wife to Peter and mother to Christy, Heather, and Ryan, and they make their home in Burlington, Ontario.

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One Life at a Time

By Frank Stirk

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features

Credit: Photo courtesy of Stepping Up

“The greatest fear of my life,” says Vancouver carpenter Alec Roberts, “was finding out I was going to be a dad.”

What man who’s about to become a father for the first time hasn’t felt that fear—the many questions and even the self-doubts that come with knowing you’re soon going to be responsible for the care and protection of a defenseless baby? When Roberts got the news, all he had known to that point was rejection, isolation, and fear.

“I had no father in my life, my mom struggled with addiction, alcoholism, abuse, all the stepdads,” he says.

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One Life at a Time

“All of my relationships since I was 13 years old had been with guys in jail, drug addicts, ‘business partners’—that whole lifestyle. I spent a long time in jail and the juvenile system, and got into alcohol bad.”

Even worse, Roberts found out he was going to be a father to two children by different mothers. Their due dates were only a week apart. Both turned out to be boys. Sadly, the first, Adriel, was born two-and-a-half months early, and passed away after only nine weeks. The younger boy, Elijah, is now six months old.

He lives with his mom.

Yet even in the darkest hours of Roberts’ young life—he’s now 25—God was working behind the scenes. Before he got word of his impending fatherhood, Christians at the halfway house in Surrey where he was living had led him to Jesus. And in his desperate search for help to learn some parenting basics, he met Dave Morgan, who runs Stepping Up, a ministry of Youth Unlimited that reaches out to young single dads.

Roberts had connected with someone who not only shared his love for God, but also virtually identical life experiences. “Dave’s been through it and he has similar stories,” he says. “He’s not just some guy in a suit that went to school. He’s actually someone who has walked through it and he’s come out on the other side.”

Morgan became alienated from his dad at an early age due to a learning disability. With no one to guide him, he dropped out of school, became addicted to drugs and alcohol, and got involved in gangs. His marriage fell apart, and he lost contact with his son.

Then Morgan had what he calls a “transformational” experience with God. Now he is clean and sober and remarried with two sons. He’s reconnected with his first child, and is friends with his ex-wife and her husband. They even live just two houses apart. And he’s dedicated his life to helping teens and young men like Alec Roberts.

“God restored my life to the best of my abilities,” says Morgan. “That’s the hope and the help I try to bring through the strength of God to these kids and say, ‘You don’t have to end here. You can make better decisions. Move forward, and life can be better.’”

“The mantra of Stepping Up,” he adds, “is stopping the cycle of fatherlessness, and that’s one heart, one life at a time.

We want to see these guys connect with their children in a meaningful way, and help them gain meaningful employment, so they can sustain themselves and their young families. We talk side-by-side. We don’t talk face-to-face.”

The urgency to confront and defeat the scourge of fatherless families that now extends across two and three generations and impacts every social strata could not be greater.

In 2011, 19.3 per cent of Canada’s children—more than a million—lived with a lone parent, and more than 80 per cent of those lived with their mother. As well, close to 30 per cent of all lone-parent families lived below the poverty line, four times more than for two-parent families. seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 14

And what becomes of these kids?

“They’re walking without a compass,” says Morgan. “Five per cent of fatherless kids commit suicide, 32 per cent run away from home, 10 per cent are going towards drugs and alcohol, and 22 per cent are going towards teen pregnancies.”

For lots of dads as well, finding themselves barred by court order from frequent access to their children—seeing them maybe once every few years, if ever—can be devastating.

“When they’re denied access or become estranged, a lot of fathers can’t even figure out why they’re working,” says Barry Lillie, who runs Kids & Dad, a family support group in Kitchener, Ontario. “They have trouble holding a job because their whole purpose in life of building something for their family has gone.

They have a terrible time rebuilding.”

A retired school teacher, Lillie launched the not-for-profit group in 2005, following his own divorce and a desire to maintain contact with his three teenaged children. Since then, Kids & Dad has helped over 600 people with about 1,500 children and grandchildren through one-on-one consultation and various support groups.

“The people that we’ve had the most success with,” he says, “are dads that came to us when mom has not yet gone to a lawyer, and we help them develop a relationship, make compromises, write up a parenting plan. We don’t get enough of those people. We tend to get dads who are already not seeing their children or only seeing them intermittently. Then we’re talking about navigating the system, how to parent often in a part-time way.”

Morgan believes the fatherlessness epidemic is to blame for so much of the misery we see all around us—and must be faced head-on.

“There are lots of programs that help situations like gang involvement, drug addiction. But they can be just a Band-Aid,” he says. “If we scale that back to families of strong moms, strong dads, we could really change the brokenness that’s in our society for the better.”

The problem is only a few groups and apparently even fewer churches are putting much effort into fighting fatherlessness.

(Centre Street Church in Calgary is working on new ministries to boys without dads, but these are in their “infancy,” says men’s ministry pastor Kevin Trick. A ministry to single dads is also on hold for lack of a suitable leader. “I’m not aware of any other churches offering these kinds of supports,” he says.)

But they do exist. One is called Fathers In the Field. Based in Lander, Wyoming, it comes alongside churches and helps them to recruit and train men who will commit to being a father-mentor to a fatherless boy for three years.

The primary goal, says co-founder John Smithbaker, who himself grew up fatherless, is to heal the “father-abandonment wound” these boys all carry by sharing with them their heavenly Father’s love, and leading them to where they can forgive their earthly fathers. One way the men get to that level of bonding with their boys is through outdoor adventures such as hunting

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and fishing—but only if that’s what they themselves are into.

“We allow men to be who they are to serve the Kingdom,” he says. “We’re not asking them to be something they’re not. We’re not asking them to carve out additional time. We’re asking them to include a fatherless boy in their life, to build a trusting and committed relationship, so the boys can hear the gospel in a language they understand.”

Launched in 2005, Fathers In the Field is now in over 100 churches in more than 30 U.S. states, and is growing steadily.

“We’re convicting churches along the way that they need to get involved,” says Smithbaker. “The mission field is right outside our front door now. We can no longer write our missions cheque and walk over all the carnage to go put it in the mail and feel good about that.”

“There’s no reason why we couldn’t go into Canada,” he adds.

“It makes obvious sense.”

Meanwhile, Roberts and Elijah’s mother have agreed to enter counselling to try to work out how they can together raise their

son as a family. Roberts also dreams of following Morgan’s example and becoming an outreach worker to young people.

But for now, that dream remains out of reach, as Roberts awaits sentencing in April after pleading guilty to criminal charges dating from 2012. The Crown wants him back in jail.

Roberts struggles to acknowledge that God remains in control even when things seem out of control.

“If I’m doing everything I can to be an example for the people around me, and I’m doing everything I can to better myself from what I was, and I still go to jail, that must be God’s will for me,” he says. “That’s the way I need to look at it.”

Lillie has witnessed repeatedly similar depths of commitment and determination in the men he has counselled. No way are they just a bunch of “deadbeat dads.”

“Fathers are incredibly flexible and forgiving,” he says.

“All they want is to love their children and to be loved by their children, and to see them grow up into healthy young adults.

I’ve rarely had dads over the years who are vindictive.”

At EduDeo Ministries, we believe mission trips are as much about BEING & LEARNING as they are about DOING.

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features

Breaking the cycle of fatherlessness National project equips men to mentor fatherless children

By Craig Macartney

“Fatherlessness is North America’s HIV epidemic.”

These words, spoken by an Edmonton social worker, burned into the heart of Kirk Giles, president of Promise Keepers Canada.

Giles was on a mission to explore the problem of fatherlessness in Canada and launch a project to change the face of the nation.

While few statistics exist on the number of Canadian children growing up without a father, census data provides clues to the growing extent of the problem. The 2011 census reports a total of 1.5 million single parent families in Canada, 80 per cent of which are led by women. Census data collected during the last 50 years also shows a dramatic increase in single parents who have never been married, from 9,300 in 1961, to more than 480,000 in 2011.

“There is a significant number of children and youth in our country who are growing up with an absent father or with no father at all,” Giles says. “Many of those cases have been because men abdicated their responsibility. So if men created the problem, we are calling men to be part of the solution.”

Promise Keepers is responding to the paternal void by launching The Fatherless Project, a training initiative aimed at equipping men to come alongside fatherless youth and children as mentors. At the end of the training men are connected with local agencies, such as Big Brothers and The Boys and Girls Club, where they are encouraged to volunteer as mentors.

“The vision behind the project is to activate men in the Christian community to be a part of the solution to fatherlessness in our country,” Giles explains. “Our role is to be a bridge between men in the church and the [local agencies] that are desperately crying out for men to step up.”

The Fatherless Project journey began several years ago, following a series of Toronto murders. Speaking with local pastors, Giles was asked how Promise Keepers could help them counter the cycles of crime and suffering.

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The Fatherless Project

“As I listened and asked questions I discovered over and over that the root cause was father-absent families,” Giles explains. “There were no men involved in these boys lives, giving them guidance, discipline and pointing them in the right direction. [The pastors] asked what Promise Keepers can do to help and it killed me that I didn’t have an answer.”

As he searched for a solution, Giles came across The Mentoring Project, a ministry based in Portland, Oregon, that strives to “rewrite the fatherless story.” By training Christian men and connecting them with local mentoring agencies, they hope to eliminate the waiting list among Portland’s mentoring agencies of 1,000 fatherless boys.

“It was like a light bulb went on,” says Giles. “We knew

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this was a role Promise Keepers can play: we can be that bridge to get men involved in their cities. So we adopted and adapted The Mentoring Project’s material and we are using that as the basis for The Fatherless Project’s training.”

Funded through a grant from Stronger Together, Promise Keepers organized forums in 10 Canadian cities to better understand the needs of the “front-line workers.” They invited social workers and delegates from numerous mentoring agencies across the country.

“You have to dig below the surface of statistics to get a sense of what the real story is,” Giles explains. “You have to spend time talking to the people on the ground and listening to the stories of what is going on in real life. Statistics can’t tell you that.”

Ian Nairn, National Missions Manager for Promise Keepers, was inspired by the “dedication of those working with the fatherless. We had some of the most amazing, heart wrenching and encouraging conversations with agencies across the country.�

In all, the forums included 96 participants who were asked three questions: what are the greatest needs of the fatherless in your community, what are some ways that Promise Keepers Canada could assist you, and what are the positives and negatives of engaging men from Christian churches to be part of the solution?

Some participants worried that boys who did not adopt Christian beliefs would end up rejected and abandoned, further compounding their struggles. Others were excited at the thought of an influx of caring men. “One agency did a project, 100 days to get 100 [male] volunteers,� says Nairn. “They told me they reached their goal, but in spite of that, they still have a waiting list of over 500 boys—and these waiting lists are not uncommon.�

Agencies like Big Brothers told Nairn and Giles they often have less than one male volunteer to every four female volunteers. Again and again they heard about the void left by absent fathers. A Winnipeg social worker even stated that the concept of a father doesn’t exist in some parts of Canadian society.

As well as helping Promise Keepers understand the needs, Giles says the forums provided agencies with opportunities to network and share ideas. He says the agencies are often so busy they don’t have time to connect or find out about initiatives other organizations are putting on in the same area. “It was very positive. We needed to hear their needs, hear what are the ways we would get in their way and what are the ways that we could support them,� says Giles. “The needs are so vast, but it starts with men being present in the life of a child. Learning skills, what it means to be a good dad and how to mentor fatherless kids, all that can be learned, but there needs to be a willingness to be present.�

Numerous studies support Giles’ assertion. A 2007 study by the Father Involvement Initiative Ontario Network says that children raised in a single parent family “are twice as likely to drop out of high school, twice as likely to have a child before they are 20 years old and 1.5 times as likely to be unemployed in their late teens and early twenties.�

The study specifically links father-absent children to an increased likelihood of addictions, poverty, crime, depression, suicide, academic struggles, premarital sex and numerous health problems.

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“All it takes is showing up physically and showing up personally,� says Nairn. “Showing up personally means listening, being real and being humble. It’s a huge challenge when you start asking, ‘Am I showing up?’�

In February 2013, Promise Keepers launched a pilot project in Kitchener and Waterloo, Ontario. The training seminar was attended by 45 men, including 35 from the area. At the end of the evening 19 participants indicated they were interested in applying with the local Big Brothers chapter. Nairn reports that a number of the men have completed Big Brothers’ screening and are now involved. “The agency told us that is an excellent response rate,� he says. “The greatest challenge is for men to move beyond the hurdle of, ‘I don’t have the time.’�

While the time commitment varies between organizations, Nairn says agencies generally require a commitment of at least one or two hours a week. He says some of the men from the

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The Fatherless Project

pilot project are doing one on one mentoring with their “little brothers” and others have bundled their mentoring time with small group activities.

Giles says the goal is for struggling children and youth to receive hope and to see that there are godly men who love them, men who can help them become all God created them to be. He believes that over the coming years The Fatherless Project will “make a dent in the massive issue of fatherlessness in our culture.”

Promise Keepers plans to roll out the project as part of their “Stronger” conference series. The conference began a 10-city tour in late October. Every event will feature a segment highlighting the needs of the fatherless across the country and challenging men to be part of the solution.

Several weeks after each conference, Promise Keepers will host at least one Fatherless Project training seminar in the city.

The two-and-a-half hour long session will cost $15 and include a question and answer period, as well as presentations from several local agencies.

Promise Keepers has also started discussing the program with agencies in additional cities in the hopes of expanding the project further. Giles says they are also looking at how to build off of the project and in future years they hope to include information and training on how to be a good father.

“This will not be a one year project for us,” he states.

“It will be at least three years before we can measure how successful we are being and how long we will carry on with it.

We are going to go with it as long as we can be effective and serve the needs of the fatherless.”

Giles sees The Fatherless Project as an extension of a growing movement in the Church around the issues of foster parenting and adoption. He says they are simply adding another layer to what God is already stirring within the Church.

“We know God is calling men to represent His heart as a Father to kids in need across the country and we are thrilled to be part of that bigger picture. This is going to create a real-life scenario where men will be able to do something that is going to make a difference for decades to come.

That alone, in many churches, will be very significant.”

Giles says the training sessions are intended to create a movement of men who are willing to give their time to be a part of the life of fatherless children.

He explains his ultimate goal for the project is that “in 10 or 15 years, when those children become dads themselves, we no longer have to deal with the issue of fatherlessness. Those kids will grow up not to be a statistic.

They will grow up and build loving, caring, healthy families.”

Canada’s changing family dynamics • • • • • • • • •

In 1961, Canada had 4.1 million families.

By 2011, Canada had 9.4 million families.

In 1961, married couples accounted for 91.6 per cent of Canadian families.

By 2011, married couples accounted for only 67.0 per cent of families.

In 1961, 8.4 per cent of families were led by a single parent.

By 2011, that number had nearly doubled to 16.3 per cent.

In 1961, 61.5 per cent of single parents were widowed, 35.8 per cent were divorced or separated and 2.7 per cent had never been married.

By 2011, 17.7 per cent of single parents were widowed, 50.8 per cent were divorced or separated and 31.5 per cent had never been married.

In 2011, 12.8 per cent of all families were led by single mothers (or women).

That’s 80 per cent of all single families.

Source: Statistics Canada

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Credit: © photography33

Navigating Divorce: Staying True as Father

National project equips men to mentor fatherless children SEVEN interview with Dave Ortis

Though never ideal, always unfortunate and sometimes unbelievably painful, divorce is a reality—even for men in the Church. All too often, men who have been through a divorce come out of the experience feeling betrayed, jaded, angry with their former spouses and, perhaps most tragically, dismissive of their responsibilities as a father. Such circumstances as these may ultimately lead to poor relationships with their children, or worse yet—no relationship at all.

Divorce is a situation that can commonly leave sons and daughters in situations of fatherlessness, even if Dad is still around.

As part of its look at “fatherlessness,” SEVEN spoke with Dave Ortis, a staff counsellor for Focus on the Family Canada, on how divorced fathers can stay actively and positively involved in the lives of their children, and avoid the abandonment and alienation that can leave kids fatherless, in one sense or another.

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Navigating divorce: staying true

SEVEN magazine: How often do you deal with fathers who are navigating a situation of divorce?

That’s an interesting statistical question. I’m not sure I can answer that with any degree of accuracy because it seems to have an ebb and flow to it. But I think on average, we here at Focus have about two such calls per week. So I would say it is ongoing. Divorce is a reality and it is a reality in the Church. I don’t want to get into the statistical game because one [divorce] is painful enough. It is recurring, let’s put it that way.

What effect can divorce have with specific regard to father-child relationships?

It’s a very complicated grieving process. I think the impact on the father-child relationship is, if Dad (in this particular case) refuses to go through his grieving process, that has a definite impact on the kids. I think one of the things…is that the parent has to go through their own grieving process.

What does that look like?

For example, in a grieving process there may be blaming and oftentimes a father will blame the mother… the child or the children often become the dad’s dumping ground for pain.

That is very damaging to the father-child relationship. And that can carry on into adulthood too. Adult children of divorced parents also have struggles.

Men [often] don’t want to get into their feelings or the softer side of themselves and will look for external things to keep themselves busy, such as sports, other relationships, work…and that will have an impact.

Oftentimes, a dad will say, “I’m a divorced husband; I must be a lousy father.” Often, I’ll hear from a mother that “he was a seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 22

good dad, but a lousy husband.” It’s kind of bizarre how you’d split the two, but [sometimes] that’s what the thinking is. But a father will dismiss himself from the role as a dad and will then sort of abandon the role, and I think that’s probably more prevalent in our society—and in the Church as well. Some dads have a tendency to want to abandon their role as dad, probably because they feel inadequate.

What would your advice be to fathers who want to be there for their children, but have a poor relationship with their ex-wives, situations where the parents may have a hard time speaking to one another as former spouses?

You have to take the high ground. What that looks like is saying, “Your mother and I have divorced; she is still your mother, and she deserves your respect and love.” So it’s important not to fight the mom through the kids. If anything is detrimental to children, it’s when parents use the kids as the referees and try to get the kids to choose sides.

The parents have to be adults regardless of what the separation is about. There are kids who grow up through all this tragedy to be pretty healthy adults, and I think a big factor in that is Mom and Dad have kept them out of the battle zone.

It’s important for dads to be proactive in that sense as it is for Mom—to say, “I have a role in your life. I can divorce your mom, she can divorce me, but we cannot divorce you because you are our kids.” For parents who have a hard time speaking to one another, there are good Christian counsellors around who can help with that negotiating. Sometimes it’s important for parents to sit down together and say, “How are we going to cooperate for the sake of our children?”

features

The Father’s Love

So it’s important that a father would continue to show courtesy and respect for the mother of his children, even if that courtesy and respect isn’t being reciprocated?

That’s right, and it would be true with a mom as well. Don’t lower the standards.

If one adult can’t act as an adult, don’t make it worse by making it two. If that happens, one approach is therapy, or some person who has the ear of the other parent to say, “You guys need to work together on this.” Don’t let it drag on for years and let it become a Cold War. In cases of custody proceedings, where there’s a dispute about who’s going to take the children and for what amount of time, to what lengths should a father go in seeking custody? Is there ever an “ideal” custody arrangement for a divorced couple?

It will depend on the needs of the child and on the age of the child. In some places, a child can choose who he/ she chooses to live with [after a certain age]. What’s appropriate and what are the financial realities [for the parents involved]?

If it happens that Mom is home most often with the kids and Dad is supporting them financially through the child support system…then obviously Mom is going to be the primary caregiver.

In most situations, there’s unlimited access in terms of custody as negotiated by the parents. Each province has its own approach to this. If however, there is a situation where Dad is really concerned about the kids and their wellbeing, in situations of mental illness or abuse—whether physical, sexual or from neglect—that’s a situation where Dad might want to say, “I need to go for sole custody.”

When Adam Hoskins [BA 2015] was twelve, his father died due to a blood clot after falling off a ladder. This left him confused and angry. He had many aching questions but no answers to ease his pain.

He was now the man of the house, he was told. There was no option for expressing his pain. Being fed up with people telling him what to believe, Adam made friends with people who could relate with his struggles. Soon, drugs and drinking ensued. His life began to crumble, until his Mom intervened.

Are there other situations where it’s appropriate for a father to seek sole custody?

Well, neglect can cover a large area, but offhand, no. Nothing really comes to mind. I mean, you may not like Mom as Mom, but you have to have somebody, a sounding board, to step back and say, “Is this my agenda that’s coming through? Am I ‘fogging it up’ because I’m angry at her? What’s my motive behind this?”

It’s important for Dad to do some very serious self-reflection.

If he’s going to ask for sole custody, and has reasons for doing that, and has good chance of winning his case, is he prepared to be that kind of father? Will he be present for the kids?

A father has a unique role because men are wired differently.

Biblical values affirm that parenting is a two-person job. Both have critical contributions to make to the raising of healthy kids.

This led him to a home for troubled teens. While here, Adam gave his life to Christ. Adam attends Tyndale now and serves God with his whole heart.

On top of being a youth pastor, Adam is also the Chapel Coordinator, leading worship services for the Tyndale community.

Adam knows and trusts that his “Heavenly Father has taken care of everything.” It’s the Father’s love that paved the way for Adam to attend Tyndale.

Discover your passion and calling at Tyndale.

www.tyndale.ca

When one is absent, it is very challenging to be a single parent.

If Dad is a single dad, is there a grandma or an aunt, or someone else who can provide that female role model?

Cooperation, by far, is the best.

Are there situations where a father should allow or give up sole custody? Are there ever cases where the father is doing what’s best for the child by relinquishing sole custody?

That’s an interesting question. I’ve never grappled with it directly where a dad says, “I have to give up sole custody.”

I would say if that dad is thinking clearly, you still have a responsibility to access your kids.

There might be, as an example, where Dad is in the military or some job that takes him all over the world. But there’s no reason he should conclude, “My job takes me away from the seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 23

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Navigating divorce: staying true

kids, so Mom should have sole custody.” He can Skype, he can e-mail, he can make special visits. Always, the primary responsibility is to be in touch with the kids. It’s better for the children to know their dad. Even he has serious mental health issues, at least they know him. That’s better than ‘guessing in the dark.’

I cannot see where there wouldn’t be any contact, especially if Dad’s got his thinking cap on. Maybe if there’s a situation where the dad is a pedophile, but that’s more of a rare case.

But there’s really no excuse for the dad not to have contact.

What is he saying about manhood, what is he saying about adult responsibility? I may relinquish custody of my children to Mom, because of my job, but I don’t give up guardianship…and doggone it, you make arrangements to say, “I’m going to be home for vacations.” You make dates with the kids periodically throughout the year. There really isn’t any excuse. A father’s responsibility is to be proactive in staying connected with the kids.

Why is it important for Christian fathers to put forth the effort in being there for their children? What is lost in not doing so?

Most people’s perception of who God is is based on the male role model, historically and culturally. So when Dad says, “I am not interested in my kids anymore,” what is he communicating to his children about God? Culturally and historically, the image of God has come through the Father and that’s serious. And so, if I’m a divorced dad and I say, “Kids, you don’t matter,” what am I saying about God? Or, when I turn around and I say, “You need to be born again, but I’m not interested in your life,” what is it saying in terms of redemption?

Dads need to say, “I may be wounded through this divorce, but my kids are still important to me.” What are Christian fathers saying when they simply wash their hands and walk out the door?

Christian marriages break up. That’s reality, and we take people into the Church who are wounded. We go through life wounded but the idea is that we show who God is through our brokenness in terms of how we carry our pain.

There may be situations down the road where children are about to get married. How can a divorced father who is a Christian give advice about marriage?

I think that is an important question for when ‘Susie’ or ‘Bobby’ decide to get married. This is where the healing journey is very important.

When I’ve done couples’ counselling, I ask, “What did you learn from your mistakes in your first marriage?” And if the person gets into the blaming stance, I question if they are ready for the second or third marriage. I’m asking the question, “What would you do differently? What have you learned?”

Not in terms of what the other person has done wrong, but what you’ve done wrong. Maybe I was working 80 hours a week,

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or was away in the military. If I was to do the choice over again, I’d change jobs or work fewer hours, that sort of thing. It’s a case of self-reflection. If the kids are there, and they see Dad over a cup of coffee, and say, “What have you learned that is important for me to know?” At that point, Dad can pass on wisdom.

“This has been my healing journey. I have been through the process of forgiveness. I have forgiven your mother; I have forgiven myself; I am moving on.”

Don’t waste a sin. The Bible is full of stories just loaded with sin. But the stories are given to teach. So what’s the story, and what have you learned from the story that can be passed on as the stories in the Scriptures are passed on to teach us? That’s not about berating oneself or beating yourself up, but saying, “Learn from the mistakes of others as much as you can—you’re going to make enough of your own.”

For fathers considering remarriage, what are some things to keep in mind?

Take your time. Do the processing of grief. Some people say a year, some people aren’t ready for remarriage after 10 years.

But certainly there has to be a healing journey. When you move into another life, say if you become the new man to a single mother, you don’t automatically become her children’s father.

You don’t replace their dad. Don’t jump in. Don’t do the power thing—do the courtship thing. For your kids, don’t expect your new wife to be called Mom. If I was a young dad and I was going to get remarried, whoever I would be marrying needs to like my kids—and my kids come first, as I would expect her kids to come first. What can I do to help her be a better mom, and what can she do to help me be a better dad? Because kids will feel, “Are we being replaced?”

What resources exist for single dads (as well as moms)?

One is “Divorce Care.” We refer a lot of couples or individuals, moms, dads, husbands and wives there.

There’s also “Divorce Care for Kids.” They’ve been around and are in several countries…it’s an excellent program.

We also have a website, called “Focus Helps” where you can find some great articles on the topics of divorce and single parenting.

At Focus on the Family, our counselling line is accessible for people right across Canada. We have a list of Christian counsellors across the country. We will try to help people find a local resource. Please call us if we can help (1-800-661-9800).

Dave Ortis is a counsellor with Focus on the Family Canada. He frequently counsels fathers (and mothers) going through divorce. He and his wife have been married for more than 43 years.

sports scene

The “Hate Tebow” mystique Sports fans everywhere despise one of football’s most talked about players. But why?

By Scott Taylor

Why is that? What is the “Hate Tebow” mystique?

I suppose when you decide to become a professional football player, you make a decision to take plenty of punishment.

And when you happen to be a quarterback like Tebow, you’re going to take quite a few hits. But when it comes to piling on, nobody gets hammered the way Tebow gets hammered. And, frankly, it’s unnecessary roughness.

Sadly, it would seem the hatred directed toward Tebow might have as much to do with his faith as it does his football skills. Fact is, Tebow was a first-round draft pick (25th overall) of the Denver Broncos who still doesn’t look or play like your standard NFL quarterback. He’s different, no question about that. But is he so different that he deserves to be the polarizing figure he seems to be?

Granted, he’s a religious man who speaks openly about his faith and does not, at any time, hesitate to thank God for all of the success he’s achieved in his life. That does not always sit well with sports fans or the American sports media.

There are Facebook pages and websites dedicated to “hating” Tim Tebow. Most have their roots back in his college days at Florida, a successful college football program that is despised simply because it has been successful.

People, it seems, want to hate Tim Tebow, for all kinds of reasons. Otherwise fine, upstanding human beings seem to fall all over themselves to hate on everything about Tebow from his

character to his family.

Tebow, of course, just goes about his business. He doesn’t lash out. He doesn’t fight back. He turns the other cheek and then turns to his faith.

In the meantime, it’s been fun to watch the American mainstream media do its own praying. They pray every week that Tebow will ultimately fail, that he will never return to the NFL and they can continue to rip apart a guy who never did anything except try his hardest and do his best to help his team win.

Credit: © photoworksmedia

It is one of the strangest media obsessions in sport. A reporter or columnist who wouldn’t waste an inch of copy on a backup quarterback like Tyrod Taylor, Drew Stanton or McLeod BethelThompson, will book the next flight to Jacksonville, Florida to see if Tim Tebow’s fan club is going to have enough support to force the NFL Jaguars into signing the polarizing quarterback.

It’s kind of weird.

In mid-September, there were lead stories all over the country, breathlessly announcing that Tebow’s supporters could only draw about 30 people to a rally in front of EverBank Field, hoping that the hometown Jaguars would sign their hero.

Some clever headline writer quipped, “Tebow 3:16, Three fans and 16 media members.” Brilliant.

A month earlier, the largest media outlets in North America dedicated priceless minutes and endless lines of copy to the fact that the New England Patriots had released Tebow.

Of course, Tebow himself just said what he always says.

“I’m just focused on today,” Tebow told ESPN. “I learned very early on in my career at Florida to worry about what I can control. And the things that I can’t control I’m not going to spend time worrying about. But I can control my attitude, my effort, my focus every single day, and those are things I’m going to worry about.”

People can’t seem to get enough “Hate Tebow” news. It’s everywhere, all the time. But remember, we’re talking about a guy who was trying to earn a job as a backup quarterback.

Since being released by the Patriots before the start of this NFL season, there have been stories about “Tebow moving to Canada” or “Tebow getting an offer to play in the Arena League.” Not a day goes by without a Tebow story.

There is no doubt that Tebow is an unorthodox quarterback, but throughout his career, he’s been a winner. He certainly doesn’t deserve the mindless criticism he constantly faces.

Then again, all of these “Hate Tebow” rants are kind of fun now. As he continues to speak softly and share his testimony with those who want to listen, you get the sense he’s just tuned out the ugly noise.

Scott Taylor is a Winnipeg-based sportswriter and broadcaster. seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 25

the single life

Singles and fatherlessness Can a single person play a role in the life of a fatherless young man?

By Paul H. Boge

Fathers are called to instill in their sons a sense of approval and identity. But when positive male role models are missing, we may be called to invest our time into the life a young man in need.

That stamp of validation is critical to a young man’s life. The Bible has many examples of the need for a father to show his approval to his son as he trains him in the way he should go. Proverbs includes numerous verses starting with “My son…” The best example follows Christ’s baptism, when God the Father said: “This is my beloved Son whom I love, with Him I am well pleased” Matthew 3:17.

These are words every son needs to hear—either directly, or inferred in a way that the son is able to receive.

As important as it is to hear these words from an earthly father, it is much more important to hear them from our heavenly Father. He speaks them to each one of His sons. We can exhaust ourselves seeking validation from others, or we can rest in the ultimate validation we receive from the cross.

Once we have received that validation from God, we have the opportunity to point others to that same rest.

Some men have had wonderful, affirming fathers. Others have had fathers who walked out, or perhaps never knew them at all. Some men are fathers themselves, while others are single.

No matter what the scenario, we can still speak words of validation into the lives of the young men around us, who may be dealing with their own lack of fatherly influence.

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If you are single you are already dealing with not having something—not having a wife and, in some cases, not having children. This is a reality, not the whole picture. Singles are complete in Christ, and have great opportunity to impact the young men around us.

Maybe you had a great father and can pass this on to a young man who is searching for a role model. If the opposite is true, perhaps you can come alongside and give your understanding and support to another young man in the same position.

I grew up with a great father. I can’t speak to being fatherless. But a friend of mine sure can.

His name is Charles Mulli. As a six-year-old Kenyan boy he was brutally abused by his alcoholic father. He woke up one morning and discovered his family had abandoned him. He went from hut to hut begging for food, trying to find any way he could to survive. He got kicked out of school for not having the required fees.

As a teenager, near the end of his rope and ready to give up, a friend invited Charles to a youth rally where he gave his life to Christ. He later started a small taxi company. It grew and he branched out into oil and gas distribution, property management, real estate and insurance.

He became a multi-millionaire and even knew the president of Kenya.

And then his rags to riches story took a dramatic turn.

Charles knew what it meant to have nothing. And the plight of the hundreds of thousands of fatherless street children in

his country grew stronger in his heart.

One day, God called him to sell everything he had, to go into slums and to rescue street children. Charles obeyed.

Today he has more than 2,000 children who call him Daddy. And thousands of young men have since had the privilege of being his sons and being led to Christ.

You and I may not be able to be a father to thousands of children. But perhaps we can be that person for one.

Is there a young guy you could befriend, whose father has passed away or walked out him? Can you spend an evening once a week or once a month taking him out to a movie, playing paintball, watching a hockey game, letting him know you are praying for him, telling him that you love him—something to validate him in his struggle and to point him to the cross?

Maybe you can be used by God to speak those life-giving words to a young man. Whether you had a great father experience, or a difficult father experience like Charles Mulli, take a moment to ask God if He wants to use you to speak life into a young man.

And see what God will do in his life.

Paul H. Boge is a filmmaker, engineer, and the author of Father to the Fatherless: The Charles Mulli Story. He’s single and lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba. paul@paulboge.com

out of my depth

I am fatherless Finding comfort in your identity as “orphan”

By Phil Wagler

I am fatherless.

I never knew my great-grandfathers— though my middle name belonged to one of them. Only sparse tales give me in any insight into who they were.

My grandfathers both passed before I was in my mid-20s. I have fond memories, but they fade with time. Certain images of those men linger. I can see one of them walking to his barn after lunch on a steamy summer afternoon. I see the other standing beneath a porch light and rolling a cigarette as our family drives away.

Then, last summer, my dad succumbed to congestive heart failure. Dad’s life was marked by many downers—at least from my perspective. A host of ailments beset him from long before I twinkled in his eye and that shaped the man I loved.

The older I grew the more I found myself wanting to talk with him. Maybe I was finally ready to hear what he had to say.

Perhaps I simply began to appreciate the wisdom his simple and challenging life had bottled up. He never sold it and now after a year without him I am realizing I didn’t drink from the well often enough when it was free for the asking.

Now I am left behind. I am “it.”

It’s strangely unsettling to see no warm body above you in the line of who begat you. Sure, I have a cache of uncles, mentors and wise ones who still fill a void and inspire growth in me, but it’s not quite the same. I find enough “old” ones around to provide relief that I’m not next in line for the nursing home. Still, I am fatherless. I am without him. And, for my own children, it is me they alone can look to in the family line.

Is this what a patriarch feels like? If so, they must feel pretty dull. This inevitable position has been dropped in my lap prematurely. There remains plenty of pup in me. There surely is immaturity others notice. There is much left to be desired within that I am hesitant for others to know about. Then there is this unavoidable consideration: I too will fade from the memory of those I most care about. What, therefore, must I leave behind? Do patriarchs have mid-life crises?

Most of the studies of fatherlessness and its cancerous impact on males and their futures zeroes in on snotty-nosed boys—and who can argue? Any honest person cannot deny the disheartening and tragic truth that a young male without a father is set up for greater challenges and pitfalls. But what about older guys like me?

As a pastor I hear men reflect on life as they know it. They’re great guys.

All of them do amazing things and many are too hard on themselves. They are diversely talented, well-intentioned and salted with a healthy dose of boyish appreciation for flatulence.

Some are still seeking freedom from habits and dark places they don’t like as the Holy Spirit has given them a taste for something better. Most work hard and all of them love their families. None of them plan to be dysfunctional. Several are go-to guys for others, leaders, men you want your own son to emulate.

And, inevitably, many feel somewhat fatherless—even if their dad still breathes the same air.

Men who have—or have had—Christcentred fathers are more likely to have less of an ache here, but having a Dad who loves Jesus is no guarantee of escape from that fatherless ache. I am struck by this pattern. No man—no matter how worthy of those superlative eulogies—can really fill that orphan space we know is there, but rarely peek into.

Then I note that Jesus lived most of His life fatherless. Joseph exits stage left pretty early on and Jesus is “it.”

We can argue that He still had His “real” Father—it’s not like the Godhead disintegrated—but then we discover even Jesus felt abandoned by the Father at His moment of greatest need.

“Why have you forsaken me?”

The cry of the fatherless.

This comforts me. It gives me permission to feel and name the ache.

It relieves the pressure to be the perfect patriarch and just be an honest one.

And, it gives the orphan in me a voice.

There is One I can cry to. He will never abandon the fatherless and it is His voice I must tune the ears of my own children to for that day when they know this strange fatherless ache.

Phil Wagler is pastor Gracepoint Community Church in Surrey, BC, an only child, husband of an amazing woman, and father to six.

seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 27

p ow er pl a y

Great games. Great toys.

Great gadgets.

Reviews by Sandy McMurray

ONE WEEK OF ENERGY

mydarkenergy.com Gadgets need energy. Lots of energy.

Unfortunately, they often run out of juice at inconvenient times, leaving you with a paperweight instead of a working phone or camera.

Sure, you could carry a bunch of cables with you, but what if you can’t find an outlet? What you really need is a portable energy source that works with all your devices.

This sounds like a job for the Dark Energy Reservoir. This portable charger holds enough power to charge a smartphone for a week. It can charge two devices at once, and it’s compatible with any device that charges with a USB cable.

Take a week of energy with you and leave the extra cables at home.

AXE TABLE

duffylondon.com Duffy London makes unusual furniture.

Their best known products include swing sets for offices and “shadow” chairs and sofas that appear to float in midair.

The Woodsman Axe table looks like something out of a fairy tale. Look closely and you can see a golden goose on the table. Listen closely and you can hear a singing harp. When the giant comes home, be sure to grab one of the table legs, so you can chop down the beanstalk when you get to the bottom.

One Week of Energy

seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 28

This table is for manly men who spend their days chopping down forests and spend their nights picking meat out of their teeth with axes. (Actually, that’s a very bad idea. Four out of five dentists recommend brushing and flossing instead.)

ADULT BIG WHEEL

highrollerusa.com Nostalgia meets engineering, and the result is awesomeness. Forgot that plastic Big Wheel toy you always wanted.

That was a hot dog. This is a steak.

High Roller is a man-sized tricycle for grown men who like big toys. High Roller features hardened steel frames, metal flake glossy paint, and alloy rims.

The seat is adjustable, and supports big kids up to 275 pounds.

If you want to power slide, you may need to start a paper route or a part-time job. High Roller sells for about $650.

STOVETOP SMOKER

cameronsproducts.com Some men pack up the barbecue when the leaves start to fall. Others wait until the first snow. Some men—four season grillers—will stand outside in February, waist deep in snow, because they love the flavour of barbeque. Also, they’re suspicious of microwave ovens.

Cameron’s Stovetop Smoker makes it easy to add flavour to your dinner without

standing in slush. At 7 x 11 inches it’s small enough to fit on a gas or electric range but big enough to hold a large piece of meat or fish.

The stovetop smoker comes with a supply of wood chips, a recipe book, and a non-stick rack. Enjoy your indoor cooking as you wait for spring and dream of summer.

COOL TULS

onehundred.co The creators of Tuls know how to pack usefulness into small packages.

These credit-card-sized tools fit right into your wallet, so they’re handy when you need them.

Whether you need a bottle opener, a set of hex wrenches, or a smartphone stand that doubles as a cord caddy, Tuls has you covered. Each Tul has its own specific purpose and its own name.

Collect them all, but don’t try to carry them all at once in the same wallet.

You’ll hurt yourself.

MINI WEAPONS

amazon.com Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction is a how-to series with detailed instructions for building tiny weapons that fit perfectly on your desk or in your cubicle, all made with commonly-found office supplies and household items.

The Axe Table

power pla y

Also included are strategic guidelines, clear diagrams, and safety tips. (For example, do not aim your tiny crossbow directly at your sister, your mother, or the dog.)

Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction is the perfect gift for a younger brother, a nephew, or a grandson who visits occasionally but does not live with you.

a good time to invite some friends over and eat up those yucky leftovers in the fridge. Mmmm! Bitter is better. Sour is sweet!

Each tablet is two servings. Note that very acidic foods like pure lemon juice will taste wonderful, but can still harm your mouth if you drink too much.

MIRACLE BERRY

Written by John Austin, formerly a senior toy designer in the Boy’s Research and Development Department at Hasbro Toys, each book contains more than 30 weapons, ranging from trebuchets and catapults to blowguns and crossbows.

Adult Big Wheel

thinkgeek.com Miracle Fruits (sometimes called Miracle Berries) play tricks on your tongue. Dissolve half a tablet on your tongue to make sour and bitter foods taste sweet. Bite into a lemon and enjoy a fresh taste like candy! Take your medicine without making a face!

The flavourbending effects can last up to one hour.

The science behind this effect is related to a protein in the berry that bonds to your taste buds, temporarily warping your idea of what tastes good and what tastes bad. This might be

Sandy McMurray writes about games, toys, and gadgets at funspot.ca

Stovetop Smoker

Cool Tuls

seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 29

what women want

Transform your sex life Bringing back the hope and excitement to intimate moments

By Sheila Wray Gregoire

The messages that we hear in Christian circles about sex in marriage sound like huge guilt trips.

Take this one, which many marriage books lob at women: “Men are totally visually stimulated and are tempted all the time. They truly need sex, and so women should give it to them, at least every 48-72 hours. Otherwise you’re just throwing him to the lions.”

That’s about the most unsexy thing anyone can say to me as a woman. “Hey, honey, you had better have sex with your man, or else he’s going to explode with lust over anyone in a tight sweater.”

Sorry, but that just doesn’t turn my crank.

But I think you guys get equally guilt-tripping messages, and they go something like this: “You need to love her as Christ loved the Church, and never expect anything from her. Remember that she isn’t going to be interested in sex unless you first do the dishes, sweep the kitchen, give the kids a bath, pray with her, lead her in devotions, and maybe agree to paint the bedroom pink.”

That’s hardly sexy either, is it?

Here’s what these messages say: he wants sex all the time, like he’s some kind of lizard who can’t control himself.

She’s some kind of frigid version of Queen Victoria who demands much from her subjects if they want to receive her favour.

He’s oversexed, she’s undersexed, and both of you have an obligation to tie yourself into a pretzel.

Anyone other than me find that extremely depressing? Besides, it’s not necessarily even true. In the surveys I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that in a quarter of marriages, wives have the higher sex drive, not husbands. So not all guys are sex-obsessed reptiles, and not all women are frigid ice queens.

seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 30

But that’s not the worst of it. What really irks me is how defeatist we are about the whole thing. This is how he is, and this is how she is, and nothing can be done about it.

Isn’t the Christian message supposed to be the exact opposite? Jesus didn’t come so that we’d be stuck; He came to give us life, and to give it to us abundantly. Jesus came to make us into holy but also totally passionate people!

Why, then, do we give couples these “obligation” messages about sex, rather than exciting, hopeful messages?

If I could rewrite the Christian script, this is what I’d say to women: “Making love is something totally stupendous, and God wants you to have great passion in your life! So don’t settle for less.”

And if I were talking to men, I’d say something like this: “God made sex to meet our deepest need for connection.

Making love is a beautiful thing, and make sure, as you pursue your wife, that you’re reveling in all the levels of intimacy, and not just searching for the next physical high.”

Do you see the difference? It’s challenging us to get more of what God wants to give us. That should be the central Christian message in all areas of our lives: God wants to transform us.

We’re okay with that message when it comes to teaching our kids not to lie, or learning to be more generous with our money, or stretching ourselves to get along with people at church. Yet somehow the idea that our sex drives are not fixed—that God may actually want to do something to redeem them— seems so foreign.

But I think that’s exactly what He does want to do! In fact, I think that’s the primary reason He made us with different libidos—so that we would have to

become more Christlike to get our needs for connection met. Feeling rejected by your spouse is an awfully uncomfortable feeling, and so these differences, which often cause friction and distance, can also be the catalyst for change. To bridge that gap, we have to start thinking about what our spouse needs. If we’re naturally more self-controlled, we need to develop more passion. If we’re naturally more passionate, we need to develop more self-control. And both passion and self-control come from God! Guys, if you’re the higher libido spouse, and you’re struggling with sexual temptation, I understand—as much as a woman is ever able to understand.

But 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that God always provides a way of escape during a temptation. So, please, don’t blame your wife for your problems. Own them, and ask God to make you more self-controlled.

And if you’re the lower libido spouse, don’t say, “that’s just the way I am,” because that’s a complete cop out. If God made you to experience great passion and oneness, and you settle for less, you’re depriving your spouse, but you’re also depriving yourself. Pray for passion, because experiencing unbridled passion is also a part of knowing God. God is in the change business.

Maybe it’s time, then, that we changed our central messages about sex. We aren’t animals, forever destined to be polar opposites in the bedroom. Let’s all admit that God has a lot more work to do in us—and then let’s let Him do it. That’s a far greater recipe for a good sex life than laying a huge guilt trip on your spouse.

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. Find them at SheilaWrayGregoire.com, or your local Christian bookstore.

“Be strong and courageous.”

Joshua 1:9

MEN’S CONFERENCE

Join men from all across Canada for Promise Keepers Canada’s Stronger men’s conferences.

Fantastic speakers, live music and resources to equip you for life.

“There’s a place in every man’s heart that longs to be courageous, to be bold and gutsy and etch a masculine mark of bravery on the human landscape.

In our hearts, we know that a part of the core of true manhood is courage.”

– STEPPING UP, AUTHOR DENNIS RAINEY

“Nehemiah’s life is a testament to courage. God is looking for leaders like Nehemiah to fight moral, physical, political, and spiritual battles.

He is looking for those who possess the spiritual courage to trust Him and take their faith in him into the daily battles of life.”

– A LEADER AFTER GOD’S OWN HEART, AUTHOR JIM GEORGE “The man who claims he’s never done anything courageous doesn’t understand what courage really is – or how often he faces decisions that require courage.”

– STEPPING UP, AUTHOR DENNIS RAINEY

“A real man rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously, and expects God’s greater reward.”

– MEN’S FRATERNITY CURRICULUM, AUTHOR ROBERT LEWIS

www.PromiseKeepers.ca

“There comes into the life of every man a task for which he and he alone is uniquely suited. What a shame if that moment finds him either unwilling or unprepared for that which would become his finest hour.” seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 31 – WINSTON CHURCHILL

WEEKDAYS AT 5

WEEKNIGHTS AT 8

WEEKNIGHTS AT 9

#inspiring Full Schedule + Local Listings at ctstv.com

seven – issue thirty-three november – december, 2013 page 32