Marriage (Nov/Dec 2018)

SEVEN

MEN / GOD / LIFE NOV/ DEC 2018 / ISSUE 63 NEWSSTAND PRICE CDN $4.95

ANATOMY OF AN AFFAIR

THREE STAGES OF EVERY INFIDELITY

THE SACRED SEARCH

PURSUING HOLINESS IN THE SEARCH FOR A SPOUSE

Marriage Marriage ON DYING TO OURSELVES

FEATURE

The

Anatomy

Affair

of an

THE THREE STAGES OF EVERY INFIDELITY

BY STEVEN SUKKAU

W

hen approximately 36 percent of people have had an affair in the workplace, even the most committed married man needs to ask the question, “how do affairs happen?”

No one enters marriage thinking they will have an affair, yet how do so many slide into infidelity so easily?

Dave Carder, author of Anatomy of an Affair, explains there are a number of factors that cause people to wander.

“The reason is in human nature and in the relationship itself,” he says.

The root Carder points to is Luke 4, when Jesus Himself was tempted, noting this telling point: the Devil left Him “until a more opportune time.”

“There are going to be seasons in your life where you’re going to be more vulnerable. There are going to be times when you’re needy or hurt, or you need to talk... we say first-time affairs are always

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about comfort and distraction. So we look for stress factors.”

He says 50 percent of all first-time affairs happen in the nine months of pregnancy or the first year after delivery.

“If you think about your wife and what she goes through with pregnancy, it’s very easy to understand. She’s nauseous often the first trimester, she’s more tired, she’s gaining weight, she has a different emotional focus, she has this baby, again sleep deprivation sets in and you feel like you slipped down the totem pole in her interests.”

“You’re very vulnerable.”

When looking broadly at affairs across North America, he notes there are also three common aspects of every affair, whether sexual or emotional. Nearly every affair has some combination of: Admiration, an attitude someone has for you;

Affirmation, a verbalization of the attitude, and; Accommodation, where you change your schedule to make sure the other person fits in.

“That’s the start,” he warns.

However, while a physical affair is easy to identify, many men often wonder.

Is an emotional affair just as painful?

Carder says many studies suggest an emotional affair is just as painful for wives. In fact, he says emotional affairs become more painful as the infidelity moves through its multiple stages.

The first stage is the mood-altering effect when a man sees the other woman or a message from her. When you see her you feel positive emotions, Carder explains.

The second stage occurs when the conversation moves from professional to personal, “from what’s outside of you to what’s going on inside of you.” However, he notes it’s an insidious turn, “as you begin to share your internal feelings, you begin to starve the marriage and feed the friendship.”

The third stage is hiding the relationship. But the result is always the same, Carder says.

“You begin to realize if your wife knew about this she would be really hurt. So you hide it, and it becomes a secret stash you hide and come back to.”

These relationships become a real danger to your marriage. But Carder says it’s important to address the danger directly. He says it’s important to have an open declaration to your wife that you won’t cultivate another intimate relationship with another woman.

While men may unknowingly build a deep relationship with a woman, Carder says many still think they can manage it and it won’t overwhelm them, thinking, “it’s just a friendship... but you’re not just friends, you’re building a deep friendship and this person is beginning to know more about you than your spouse.”

If that person is filling a void in your marriage, it’s become an emotional affair.

“You feel like they’re more interested in you than your spouse is or they may be filling a void in your marriage you feel your spouse isn’t interested in filling.”

However, Carder isn’t the only one examining the anatomy of affairs.

Scientists and researchers have long been curious about how affairs occur in committed relationships.

The research into “misattribution of attraction” began in the 1970’s.

In a lab, scientists built two bridges: one wobbled and weaved while the other was tight and steady. Researchers then had two groups of college students walk across one of the bridges, each time with the same young woman waiting for them on the other side.

The students were then asked to rate the attractiveness of the woman waiting for them at the end.

Overwhelmingly, the young men rated the woman as more attractive while walking across the unsteady bridge.

“When you go through high levels of stress... a broken relationship, being fired, a financial reversal... you’re always going to be more vulnerable to another female’s efforts, or even just kindness towards you.”

For those starting to feel the pull of attraction to someone outside of their marriage, Carder wants men to know the danger they’re in. Carder says it could be wise to leave the environment or make a change, “but you can’t just continue on; it won’t go away.”

While he believes it’s possible to have friends of the opposite sex, there will always be a certain danger. “You’re either dead or in denial if you think it won’t happen to you. You have to be on guard.”

The “helpless maiden” scenario is an especially powerful draw. Carder says he’s seen wives withhold praise because they don’t want to swell the husband’s pride, so she keeps the praise to herself.

When a man encounters another woman who is effusive with her praise, the contrast can be explosive.

Even worse, is that the wedding ring is

For those starting to feel the pull of attraction to someone outsid e of their marriage, Carder wants men to know the danger they’r e in.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 5

The bes t guard is staying alert.

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no longer a protection, “but an invitation” Carder says.

He notes recent surveys have revealed more single people aren’t concerned about courting married people. The ring now indicates that “this man was able to make someone happy, maybe they can make me happy as well”.

The best guard is staying alert. In teaching AA, Carder says staying sober comes down to being aware of your emotional state. When you’re hungry or craving something, be careful. If you’re angry, be careful. If you’re lonely, be careful. When you’re bored, be careful.

“These are the mood states that will take people down.”

However, for all the snares and temptations waiting for married men, there are some simple and deadly counter moves that disarm them in a heartbeat.

For those experiencing boredom, Carder says the solution is a simple, ten-minute exercise. He encourages spouses to write a list of the eight most memorable moments with your spouse, not including moments with your kids or your wedding day.

Then merge your lists.

“That’s what you guys do best, that’s what bonded you together. Most couples get in trouble because they stop doing

what they do best. Spend money on your marriage. Anything you do together as a couple after kids arrive is going to steal from the children. Kids are narcissistic and self-centered from the womb.”

Neither will kids tell you to take the weekend off and spend some time alone.

“It’s not intentional, they don’t recognize it... so you have to steal from them.”

So few parents are teaching their children how to put marriage above parenting, Carder says.

While kids are a stewardship, they aren’t the center of your marriage.

To keep your spouse at the center, Carder says another simple exercise has tremendous effects. Together with your spouse, write one thing you admire about the other, once a day for a month.

“A good mom.”

“Makes great lasagna.”

“Takes short showers.”

Then get together with your spouse and pray, thanking God for that particular behaviour or trait.

Do this for thirty days in a row, and Carder says the results are always transformative.

“Most of us are starved for admiration.

We’re taken for granted, we become a paycheque... we need admiration.

And with admiration comes a sense of closeness and affection.”

The exercise has been done across genders and cultures and the follow-up results are always the same.

“It will revolutionize your relationship.

/ STEVEN SUKKAU is a journalist living and working in Winkler, Manitoba. He splits his time between breaking stories, changing diapers and taking his wife on movie dates.

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PK PODIUM

A REFLECTION OF GOD

FEATURES

MARRIAGE VS LIVING TOGETHER

03 Anatomy of an Affair

BY KIRK GILES

14 Mentoring Marriages 24 The Sacred Search

T

he past year has been a memorable experience for our family. We are now at the stage of life where our children are starting to move towards marriage. Our two oldest sons are now engaged to two remarkable women. Next year will see two weddings plus our twentyfifth wedding anniversary. My bank account is already crying — but mostly with happy tears.

Recently, I had a conversation with several people reflecting on how many people (Christians included) we all know who are choosing to live together instead of, or to delay, getting married. In 2001, 16.4% of all couples in Canada were living together.

That number increased to 21% in 2016 (source: Statistics Canada).

In Quebec, 31.5% of all couples live together instead of being married. It seems the trend in society is towards cohabitation.

As a ministry, we celebrate marriage, and we don’t believe cohabitation honours God. Marriage is a covenant between two people and God. It is the coming together of a man and a woman to become one (Genesis 2:24). This covenant and the union of two people to be one is more than just the launch of a new family, it’s a reflection of what God Himself is like. He makes a covenant with His people and the Bible describes God as being one (Deuteronomy 6:4). As my friend Steve Masterson always told me,

8 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

“Marriage is far more about God than it is about us.”

In addition to the spiritual reasons for marriage over cohabitation, there are also concerns for the stability of children. “Cohabitation continues to confer a stability disadvantage on individual children … Marriage seems to be associated with more family stability for children across much of the globe.” (World Family Map, 2017 — Social Trends Institute) I want to challenge every man reading this article to consider the importance of marriage. If you are living with your girlfriend — imagine if God had made no covenant with you. Imagine if He could profess love for you, but just walk away if/when He wanted to. Where would that leave you spiritually? That’s where you are leaving your girlfriend. Make a covenant with her — marry her.

If you are already married — remember, marriage is the place where you get to give the world (and your wife) a glimpse of what Jesus is like. You get to show everyone how much Jesus loves the Church by the way you love your wife. That is our high calling and privilege as married men.

COLUMNS 08 // PK Podium 28 // Sports Scene 30 // Out of My Depth 31 // Lives Worth Leading 32 // No Man as an Island

DEPARTMENTS 10 // The Pulse 33 // Music Reviews 34 // Power Play

EDITORIAL Questions and comments regarding editorial can be sent to ssukkau@promisekeepers.ca, or mailed to Promise Keepers Canada at the address provided.

DESIGN DEVON WAGENAAR Devon J Andrew Design Inc. djadesign.ca PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA 210-3027 Harvester Road Burlington, ON L7N 3G7

/ KIRK GILES is the president of Promise Keepers Canada. However, his most important roles as a man are husband to Shannon and father to Carter, Joshua, Sydney and Samuel.

(905) 331-1830 info@promisekeepers.ca

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BITS / BLIPS / BEATS / BLURBS THE LATEST NEWS FROM PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA DAILY DEVOTIONAL BOOKLET

BITS / BLIPS / BEATS / BLURBS

SHOULD WE PRINT THIS? / LAST FALL, WE were disappointed to learn Christianity Today was discontinuing the Men of Integrity devotional. Having run for nearly 20 years, the devotional had become an integral part of our ministry to men. We immediately began searching for solutions that would allow us to continue to distribute a printed daily devotional for men.

Partnering with Christianity Today allowed us to print the Canadian copies as part of the significantly larger American print run. This resulted in shared resources for creating content, design and a dramatically lower printing cost for each devotional. When we thoroughly researched options for redistributing a different devotional or printing our own, we realized the costs were extremely prohibitive. We were faced with the option of moving to an online-only version or discontinuing the devotional all together.

After a year of distributing the devotional as an email, we are once again exploring the option of a printed booklet, mailed to your home, as part of a paid subscription. We are launching with the January-February 2019 issue. MEN, WE NEED YOUR RESPONSE! >> *Sign up by December 3 rd to get to get your copy. Visit www.promisekeepers.ca today!

THIS IS ME TV WORSHIP IS NOT JUST ABOUT MUSIC / MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC. Regardless of what he was encouraged to pursue, Andy Hunter ran after his dream of creating music.

Starting with wrapping cables, he embraced each opportunity to take his music career to the next level. After being a well-known DJ in the UK, Andy was asked to join a major Christian record label in the States. With some hesitation, he signed the deal and produced an album where his music was featured in The Italian Job, Tomb Raider and The Matrix Reloaded.

Amongst all this, he started leading worship (worship — generally known as the singing aspect at churches) with his turntables. He started to explore how the arts and our gifts can be a part of worship and how we all can connect with God uniquely to how He's designed us.

As Andy says, “Music is something that carries emotion and a message,” and as he’s still writing scores and music, he’s focused on a new venture to help us all connect with God; The Presence App. Enjoy the episode and make sure to download The Presence App from your app store. www.presenceproject.com. >> Find more amazing episodes at www.thisismetv.com

10 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

PODCASTS HELPING KIDS THRIVE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL

DANNY MACKAY ON BEING A GODLY DISRUPTOR

/ THE TRANSITION FROM high school to college or university is a significant one. With new found freedom, extra responsibilities and challenges to faith, recent studies show up to 70% of young people walking away from church. Kirk talks with Sean Cullen, the National Director of Power to Change — Students, about how fathers can help their children thrive in life after high school.

/ DANNY MACKAY IS the National Ambassador for e3 Partners in Canada, the organization behind I Am Second.

Danny leads short-term church planting expeditions to unreached parts of the world, mobilizing and partnering with churches, ministries, artists, and ‘seconds’ who wish to advance the kingdom of God in this generation.

Danny shares examples of how we can be godly disruptors to those around us, reaching the unreached with the gospel.

He also talks about how a “disruption” became a catalyst for him coming to Jesus in the most unlikely way — in the back of a stolen car.

STEVE CHAPMAN ON PRAYING FOR YOUR KIDS

BILL FARREL — “JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME” / PRAYING FOR YOUR kids is the most important — but least talked about — function of fatherhood. Steve Chapman is an avid outdoorsman, musician, songwriter, and author. In one of his more recent books, A Dad’s Guide to Praying for His Kids, Steve provides key principles and strategies to help men pray faithfully.

In our conversation with Steve, he walks through everything from praying for our kids when they’re little, to going to battle for wayward young people.

He even talks about fasting: what it is and why it’s important as well as some practical alternatives to our traditional understanding of fasting.

/ IF EVEN THE simplest commute can be changed by storms or an accident, how much more a journey of a lifetime?

Knowing where we are, what we need to overcome and where we need to go will help us wisely choose the path before us. In this podcast, we will present a pragmatic teachable vision for what it means to be a Godly man, all the way to the finish line.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 11

PODCASTS DAVID SWEET ON PARENTING A CHILD WITH MENTAL HEALTH CHALLENGES / IT WAS JUST over one year ago when MP David Sweet lost his daughter, Lara, to mental illness.

Since Lara’s death, David and his wife Almut have been very open about their struggle and have continued to share Lara’s story, with the hope that others will find help. David provides encouragement for parents of children who are struggling with mental health challenges and addictions, and hope for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

A GAME PLAN FOR PURITY: PART 2

/ A FEW MONTHS ago, we featured a special message from Nate Larkin who shared his story about healing from sexual brokenness.

Today we share part two of his message, which talks about how to form a group of guys that can encourage one another and keep each other accountable.

GREG PAUL ON RESURRECTING RELIGION / RELIGION IS OFTEN viewed as a dirty word — even in Christian circles. But if you consider the root of the word religion, you’ll see that it’s a much more noble concept than it’s been made out to be. Greg Paul is a founding pastor at Sanctuary in Toronto, and the author of Resurrecting Religion. Greg argues that much of what we consider religion really isn’t religion at all and reminds us of the pure religion that God calls us to in his Word — which is much more about community than it is about a “personal relationship.”

DISRUPTIVE BEHIND THE SCENES / THE GRACE OF God is disruptive!

Jesus breaks into our routine and pulls us toward the lives of significance we long for. What would it look like to let Jesus disrupt your life and use you to be a Godly disruption — to be a disruption of grace, offering real hope and change? Kirk Giles and Rick Verkerk give behind the scenes insights into the upcoming Disruptive conferences and explore what it means to be truly Disruptive.

DAVE CARDER ON HOW TO AVOID AN AFFAIR

/ ACCORDING TO RECENT statistics, 36% of people have had an affair in the workplace.

This number seems incredibly high, but what we don’t realize sometimes is just how easily it can happen to us. While most guys don’t wake up one day saying, “You know, I think I’m going to have an affair today,” we’re naive to think the slide into infidelity is something we’re immune to.

In his book Anatomy of an Affair, Dave Carder talks about how affairs develop, and how to guard our marriages against them. We discuss with him some of the primary reasons and circumstances that cause couples to wander, the difference between physical and emotional affairs (and why emotional affairs are just as detrimental), situations and people to avoid, and how to cultivate a healthy, affairproof marriage.

>> Find these and other podcasts at: www.promisekeepers.ca/podcast

12 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

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FEATURE

It’'s Worth It THE POWER OF MENTORING MARRIAGES

BY FRANK STIRK

J

ared McDonald and Brittany Wilson just got married. But before they tied the knot, they spent eight weeks being mentored in marriage by another couple in their church — Kirk Giles, the president of Promise Keepers Canada, and his wife, Shannon. Their time together reflects a growing trend in Canadian churches to engage people other than pastors and counselors in the work of strengthening the bonds of marriage both before and after the wedding.

“I don’t actually think of it as ‘counseling,’” McDonald says. “I just think of it as going to see someone who is more like a mentor — and a friend as well. They’ve been married a long time and it was good to see their different perspective.

They were able to speak from their experience.”

Kirk and Shannon Giles lead the pre-marriage mentoring team

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at Forward Church in Cambridge, Ontario. It is the first component of what is planned to be a ministry to couples, Christian and nonChristian, at every stage of their married life. A key element in the program is weekly meetings where a marriage-mentoring couple invites a young couple such as Jared and Brittany into their home. The sessions allow them to talk through their expectations of marriage on things like communication, sex, dreams for the future, their freetime preferences, and so on.

FamilyLife Canada also offers marriage-mentor training. There are 645 trained mentor couples and 154 churches that are using marriage mentoring now in Canada, director Brent Trickett explains. The couples meet once a month for about a year to discuss fourteen marriage-related topics.

“It’s really just conversations that a Christian couple is going to lead them through,” he says.

“We always bring it back around to remembering that marriage is about two people becoming one,” Giles says. “And if you’re withholding a secret from your spouse-to-be and from God, you’re not setting your marriage up for success. If there’s ever a time when you’re going to need to deal with this, now is the time. We can’t control whether or not they follow through on those things, but we can set the environment and create the conversation in such a way that provides the opportunity for them to take those next steps in their relationship.”

Kevin Pent, Forward’s Church Life Pastor, concedes there are times when the issues adversely impacting a marriage are so deep or complex that a couple needs professional or pastoral help. “But for the average marriage that’s

There'’s power in community NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 15

facing common problems and crises,” he says, “too often we underestimate the power of mobilizing Godly laypeople to speak into lives. There’s power in community. Often what we have seen as being effective is to have mentoring within the context of a small group. Then those couples who just feel they need to talk twoon-two with another couple — or oneon-one with another spouse — they can connect with them and speak at a deeper level. And they’ve already established that trust through the small group community.”

“Kirk’s been really great just,” McDonald says. “I know when I’m going through something, I can right away send Kirk a message and he’ll respond and give me some advice or set up a call or something like that.”

Pent says Forward undertook this marriage initiative because like most churches, “we’re very reflective of the culture now in divorce rates, marital breakdowns. I really saw a dire need to hone in on marriages and see what we could do to promote a culture where healthy marriages became more the norm. And obviously, to do that, you need more the occasional marriage class.”

Trickett worries about the impact today’s marriage breakdowns will have on generations to come if left unchecked. “My oldest is 14. Many of her friends are living between two parents, week on and week off,” he says. “People are growing up and don’t have good role models of what a good marriage should look like. That puts young people in a state of fear — 'Maybe I shouldn’t get married’ — and I think it’s because we don’t celebrate marriage enough and how great it is. That’s what mentoring really does. It shows people that it’s worth it.”

To be sure the most recent figures on marriage breakdowns are worrisome. Statistics Canada reported in 2011, for example, that 41

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percent of legal marriages will end before couples reach their thirtieth anniversary, 24 per cent of divorced or separated parents reported that they had children aged 18 or younger, and 19 percent of Canadians surveyed said their parents were either divorced or separated, up from 10 percent a decade earlier. And in 2008, Statistics Canada described the average marriage lasting only 13.7 years. These numbers do not necessarily account for all the couples who separate but never divorce nor the common-law unions that fail and second and third marriages which are even more likely to end in divorce.

While somewhat fewer marriages involving Christian couples are likely to fail — research suggests the divorce rate among Americans of faith is around 30 percent — the anecdotal evidence, at least, shows that mentoring is helping marriages to start strong and stay strong.

“We’ve had several couples come to Christ, and some couples that were cohabitating that decided to step back and covenant to purity until they got married,” Pent says. “It’s really been amazing to see what God has done through great curriculum and outstanding marriage-mentor couples within a context that is very much Spirit-led.”

“My church [Circle Drive Alliance in Saskatoon] is 600 people usually on a Sunday. A couple that we’re mentoring, if they don’t show up to church for four weeks, the church probably wouldn’t know. But we know,” Trickett says. “We’re able to call them and say, ‘How are you doing? We need to get together and talk.’ It really helps people just to know that they’re loved, somebody cares about them, and they have someone to talk to when they’re in trouble.”

Jared and Brittany are also open to becoming marriage mentors themselves one day. “I’d like to get a few years of marriage under my belt first. But it’s definitely something we would consider,” McDonald says. “A lot of times, especially in today’s society, when something goes wrong, people want to jump off right away. This really encourages you to work through it. And that I found was super valuable and something that I would definitely love to pass on to others.”

“Most Christians,” Giles says, “and certainly most men that I know go, ‘I really don’t have much to offer people.’

But you forget that God’s been walking with you throughout your life, shaping you as you have followed Jesus. You’ve had all kinds of experiences. And God’s given you those experiences so that you can help other people as they’re going through different things in life.

You’ve got a wealth of lessons you’ve learned — some painful and some very positive — that you can share to other couples and help them to be prepared for those kinds of circumstances in life in the days ahead. It’s a powerful ministry.”

/ FRANK STIRK lives in North Vancouver. He is the author of the forthcoming book, Streams in the Negev: Stories of How God is Starting to Redeem Vancouver (Urban Loft).

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FEATURE

Hope

for the Holidays HOW TURN COMPLAINING INTO PROBLEM-SOLVING AT CHRISTMAS

BY BILL FARREL

"H

ey, Dad, did you see my Christmas list? I am really hoping to get a phone this year. I’ll be okay with a new snowboard but I am really hoping for a phone.”

“Dad, I am so excited this Christmas because I am going to get a china doll to put in my room. It is going to be beautiful and I can talk to her every day and tell her everything that happened during my day. I told Santa at the mall and mom and grandma that all I want for Christmas is a china doll. I can’t wait.”

Jason was glad his son and daughter were excited about Christmas but before he could even respond, his wife blurted out, “Honey, I told my mom and dad that we will be at their house Christmas morning. I’m not sure when we will see your family, but we at least have my family figured out.”

The flurry of expectations was making it difficult to remember that Christmas is a great time to celebrate the arrival of the Savior and connect with the people we love the most. Jason was trying, but questions haunted his thinking and blurred his perspective: • Why do everyone’s expectations ramp up at Christmas time?

• When are we supposed to set up our own traditions rather than just fold into the traditions our parents established?

• Why does my wife make commitments before she talks to me? I think I am pretty agreeable, but it is irritating not having a say.

• How do I keep a focus on Jesus when all my kids can talk about are phones and china dolls?

He silently prayed, “Well, Jesus, I am going to do my best, but there may not be any room at the inn for you again this year.”

18 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

There is certainly no way to erase the stress of Christmas, but there are ways to align our perspective and adjust the focus of the holiday season.

ALIGN YOUR PERSPECTIVE Stress can be created by real circumstances or wrong conclusions. Philippians 4:8-9 is an intense reminder that we can intentionally influence our thoughts and attitudes. “... if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things... And the God of peace will be with you.”

Stress encourages thoughts that are deceptive, disruptive and destructive. As the Christmas celebration was developing, Jason found himself entertaining thoughts he would never recommend to others.

I think my wife would rather spend time with her family than with me.

My kids think I am an online retail store.

I wonder if there was a meeting I wasn’t invited to where everyone decided to irritate me for Christmas?

Maybe I will boycott Christmas this year and see how everybody likes that.

He knew these were not good ideas, but the stress was making them seem worthwhile. Step one was to realign his thinking with thoughts that were true and trustworthy.

Jesus, I am grateful you are a big enough deal that everyone wants to make Christmas as rewarding as possible.

I am grateful I have a family that wants to spend time together.

I am impressed that my kids think I have unlimited resources to work with.

“Well,

Jesus, I am going to do my best but there may not be any room at the inn for you again this year.”

If my wife didn’t work so hard to keep us connected with family, I would have to do it all by myself.

These thoughts, of course, didn’t change any of Jason’s circumstances but they made everything seem easier. The emotional energy he was spending complaining was now available for problem-solving.

ADJUST YOUR FOCUS In addition to thinking better, Jason knew some changes needed to be made or resentment would build under the surface, so he scheduled a “Holiday Business Meeting” with his wife, Sandra. She resisted at first, but his persistence convinced her it truly was important to him. Over a casual meal, they made the following decisions: • To help keep expectations realistic, we are going to determine “the most important people” in this year’s celebration. For the current year, they decided Sandra’s parents were top of the list because they were planning to move, so this would be the last family celebration at the home where Sandra grew up. They agreed that next year it would probably be the kids.

• To ensure that our primary focus is on Jesus, we are making two “non-negotiable” commitments. First, we will attend the Christmas Eve service at church as a family. We will invite the rest of the family to join us but we will attend regardless of who else joins in. Second, we will give Jesus a Christmas gift that costs more than any other present under the tree. The gift might be a donation to a cause we believe in or monetary help for a less fortunate family.

The hope was to create a tangible way of saying, “This is primarily about Jesus.”

There were plenty of Christmas stressors they hadn’t addressed, such as the need to balance time with their families, their desire to set up their own traditions and their children’s intense interest in gifts, but they were pleased with the progress.

An unexpected realization developed as they talked.

Jason said to Sandra, “I wish we could be home more during the holidays rather than running around so much to see others.”

Sandra blurted out, “It doesn’t bother me that much because Jesus wasn’t home on Christmas.”

Jason was jolted into a new reality and responded, “You

are right. In fact, no one was home. The shepherds, Joseph, Mary, the wise men and especially the star of the show.

They were all on the road. I might even start to feel sorry for people who stay home.”

THE PAYOFF Having decided, Jason and Sandra needed to share their conclusions with their kids.

“We have decided to do something new this year. First, we are going to thank God that we get to be away from home when we get in the car to go to grandpa and grandma’s house,” said Jason.

“Why are we going to do that? It doesn’t sound right,” blurted out their son.

“Well,” replied Sandra, “Jesus and his family were away from home on Christmas so we are glad we get to be like them.”

“Then,” added Jason, “we are going to choose a birthday gift to give Jesus this year.”

“What?” questioned their daughter. “He doesn’t need anything!”

“You are right, but lots of other people need help so we are going to give to them in honor of Jesus. We can choose a ministry or a family who can’t afford to give each other gifts.”

Their daughter went suddenly quiet.

“What’s the matter, honey?” Jason asked thinking something was wrong.

“I am afraid Jesus wants someone else to have my china doll.”

“I am confident Jesus will let you have good gifts but first let’s see if we can find a girl your age to help this year.”

When the holidays increase stress on your marriage, choose to turn your irritations into insights and do something tangible to make Jesus the prime focus of Christmas.

/ BILL FARREL challenges people to be adventurous individuals of integrity. He has served as a youth pastor, senior pastor and most recently as the small group pastor for Dr. David Jeremiah. He is a frequent speaker at men’s events including Promise Keepers Canada and Iron Sharpens Iron events. He is also the author of The 10 Best Decisions a Man Can Make, 7 Simple Skills for Every Man, Men Are Like Waffles—Women Are Like Spaghetti, Red-Hot Monogamy and the Her Best Friend app for husbands.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 19

LEAD A NE

LEGACY WATCH THE EPISODE THISISMETV.COM

20 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

EW

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 21

FEATURE

The Sacred PURSUING HOLINESS WHEN LOOKING FOR A SPOUSE

BY GARY THOMAS

22 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

Search One of the kindest words God has ever spoken to me is the word

"no."

One of God’s most effective tools to preserve my freedom and keep me out of spiritual slavery is when God whispers or sometimes even forcefully warns,

"Don’t."

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 23

“WHAT IF GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE TO MAKE US HOLY MORE THAN TO MAKE US HAPPY?”

24 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

S

poken by a supremely loving, all-wise, heavenly father who wants me to enjoy the abundant life, “no” and “don’t” are loving words, merciful words, and grace-filled words.

The great evangelist John Wesley explained why when he said no one is truly happy who is not pursuing holy.

Think about it: have you ever met a truly happy addict?

He may have moments of pleasure, but those illicit moments usher in much more misery, long-term. Addiction is an excruciating exercise in frustration, where you increasingly give ever more of yourself to get less and less pleasure until you don’t even like yourself very much anymore.

Have you ever known a man whose anger is out of control to be happy? Isn’t he miserable, destroying his closest relationships and pushing out any real chance of true intimacy and joy?

Have you ever known a woman who is negative or materialistic to be happy? Isn’t she always frustrated, disappointed, cursing under her breath, never getting to that happy place of contentment where she can breathe a sigh of satisfaction and truly rest in “enough?”

Holy leads us to happy. Holy protects happy. But pursuing happy for its own sake is to risk making unholy choices, which in the end can actually undercut our happiness.

This is why singles need to rethink their priorities about what they want out of marriage. If you’re pursuing what will make you happy, you’re just as likely to miss happy as you are to obtain it. If you pursue holiness, you’re far more likely to arrive at a happy marriage.

A HOLY MARRIAGE When my book Sacred Marriage came out with the provocative subtitle, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” I was asked where this line came from. If you’re single and looking for a spouse, it’s essential to get this right, so let’s take a journey to see how Scripture addresses marriage, looking at what it says and doesn’t say, to arrive at the conclusion that our first concern should be to pursue holiness.

First, let’s look at the creation of marriage. Man and woman are called together to fulfill the purpose for which God created them — to be fruitful, to fill the earth, and subdue it (Genesis 1:28). These purposes point toward a holy life — raising kids who love God, and responsibly using your talents to serve God and join with him in building and ruling this world — far more than they support the modern notion that marriage is all about individual, self-absorbed happiness. From the very start, marriage is described as a mission more than it is described as a theme park.

In the New Testament, one of Paul’s clearest recommendations for Christians to consider marriage is for the purpose of overcoming sexual temptation: “Since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2).

Paul is directly saying that one of the purposes of marriage is for the sake of living a holy life, in particular, overcoming sexual temptation. “If they are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion” (1 Cor. 7:9).

Elsewhere, when Paul talks about the nature of marriage to the Ephesians, he also showcases holiness. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Eph. 5:25-27) Here, Paul says that we should base the marriage relationship on the relationship that Christ had with the church — a relationship in which Jesus seeks the church’s holiness. So too we love each other by encouraging growth in holiness.

Peter also connects marriage and holiness when he warns men that if they fail to treat their wives with respect and as co-heirs in Christ, their prayer lives will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). Holiness within marriage is essential for us to maintain an active prayer life. Once again, this points toward holiness, not happiness. You can pray all you want in an unhappy marriage, but prayer will be blocked solid if you’re in an unholy marriage.

The writer of Hebrews also seems to point toward holiness in marriage. In 12:14, we’re told, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy. Without holiness, no one will see the Lord.” While not directly addressing marriage here, the writer is clearly addressing relationships, emphasizing the role of holiness as a goal in relating to others. He doesn’t say make every effort to be happy.

Most telling of all are the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. In Matthew 6:33 Jesus tells us to seek first, above all else, as our top priority, “the kingdom of God and his righteousness.” He doesn’t tell us to seek first happiness, an intimate marriage, a fulfilling vocation, financial success or even physical health. Our first concern when we wake up every day should be God’s agenda, not our own, and seeking to grow in righteousness — dying to the things that offend him, embracing the life and virtues of Christ that honor him.

The Bible clearly doesn’t tell us to pursue happiness with the same force it tells us to pursue righteousness, character, holiness, and integrity. There is one exception, of course. In Deuteronomy 24:5 a young man is told to take

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 25

DATE A WOMAN WHO WILL OFFEND YOU BEFORE SHE OFFENDS GOD SO THAT SHE CHALLENGES YOU TO ALSO PURSUE A HOLY LIFE.

a year off after getting married so that he can “stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.”

This verse can actually clue us into the fact that perhaps God calls us to holiness because (at least in part) he wants us to be happy. He is not “anti-happiness.” Rather than pit holiness and happiness against each other, we need to understand how they support each other. In moments of decision, however, it’s clear from the biblical record that God values our obedience and character more than any emotional disposition.

MAKING A WISE CHOICE What does this mean if you’re single? How does it impact the way you date, who you date, and who you choose to marry?

Proverbs 31:30 warns single men “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD will be praised.” More than you care about what a woman looks like, fall in love with a woman who fears God. Beauty is a wonderful thing and not to be taken for granted, but it is not the supreme thing. Date a woman who will offend you before she offends God so that she challenges you to also pursue a holy life.

If you’re reading a magazine like Seven, you probably want to be the kind of man God wants you to be. Doesn’t it make good sense to date a woman who will help you be that kind of man, instead of a woman who may tempt you to become a different kind of man and do something you’ll eventually regret?

If the best life is found by seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, shouldn’t our most intimate relationship be with a person who shares the same end and is determined to help us on our journey?

26 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

There’s yet another aspect to this. The writer of Hebrews says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (10:24). Good deeds will be greatly rewarded in heaven (2 Cor. 5:10; Gal. 6:9; Matt.

25:21). If you marry a woman who inspires you to live a life of service and righteousness, your eternity will be different.

Good deeds don’t get us into heaven, but they certainly seem to impact the color of our life there.

So, marrying for holiness will, I believe, not only give you a happier life on earth but also a more rewarding life in heaven. It’s not wrong to want to marry a beautiful woman, and/or a woman you enjoy spending time with. Those are good desires. Just don’t compromise on the faith part.

Marry for holiness and you’re far more likely to arrive at happiness. Marry for happiness apart from reverence for God and his ways, and you’ll likely find that you’ve built your future happiness on soap bubbles and sand.

Trust Jesus. He knows what he’s talking about and he wants the best for you. The very best is to seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness. Those loving, wise words should be the driving force in your pursuit of marriage.

/ GARY THOMAS IS a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. His books have been translated into more than a dozen languages and won numerous awards. His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.

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SPORTS SCENE

21-YEAR-OLD CANADIAN SUPERSTAR TAKING GOLF WORLD BY STORM THE BROOKE HENDERSON STORY

BY CARTER BROOKS

T

he name ‘Henderson’ was etched into the Canadian history books with indelible ink back in 1972, and has held that place for the better part of 50 years. Whether it was Foster Hewitt’s exceptionally familiar, “He scores! Henderson has scored for Canada!” television play-by-play call, or Bob Cole’s “He scores! Henderson!” CBC radio call of Paul Henderson’s 1972 Summit Series winning goal, Paul Henderson has always been Canada’s Henderson hero.

28 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

STEP ASIDE PAUL, there’s a new cat on the block. Enter 5-foot-6, 150-pound, 21-year-old, Smiths Falls, Ontario native Brooke Henderson.

With 33 career top 10 finishes, seven Ladies Professional Golf Association victories and over $4.6 million in career earnings to her name, Henderson has created quite the name for herself. 29-year-old Hawaiian Michelle Wie has long been the face of women’s professional golf. But her five LPGA professional wins and one major championship over 13 seasons of professional golf fall ever so short of Henderson’s accomplishments in just four seasons as a pro.

After five major amateur victories within Ontario and Quebec, Henderson turned pro, picking up one of her greatest wins at the KPMG Women’s PGA Championship in 2016, as well as two victories at the Cambia Portland Classic in 2015 and 2016, before taking the Meijer LPGA Classic, the McKayson New Zealand Women’s Open and the Lotte Championship in 2017 and 2018.

Henderson put an exclamation point on her career achievements in late August of 2018 when she became the very first Canadian since Jocelyne Bourassa in 1973 (45 years ago) to win the Canadian Women’s Open at home in Regina, SK. Currently ranked as the eighth best female golfer in the world, Henderson has already been named the Ontario Athlete of the Year (2015), the Canadian Press Female Athlete of the Year (2015, 2017) and the Ottawa Person of the Year (2017).

Although listed as the second youngest player to ever win a major championship in LPGA history (KPMG 2016), surprisingly golf wasn’t Henderson’s only sport as a child.

Beginning as a figure skater, the “always active” then eight-year-old transitioned to hockey to become a goaltender. Hockey had always been in Henderson’s blood, as her father Dave had spent time in the Ontario Hockey League and with

the University of Toronto, also as a line of her Twitter biography. If that’s netminder. not enough, a deeper look at some of “I loved hockey right away,” the charities and organizations that Henderson said in an interview with Henderson supports may also provide Hockey Canada. “We had a lot of a better overall feel of the young victories and some losses, but we golfer’s mentality and mindset. took it together as a team. It really Henderson was the feature athlete taught me a lot in many other sports. at the first Annual World Vision Golf Being a goalie there’s a lot of pressure, Tournament in Markham, ON in and I was able to handle that 2017. The tournament pretty well. Now playing was held by the World HENDERSON golf for a living, having that Vision Multicultural WAS THE pressure as a goalie has Council Ambassadors really prepared me for every as a way to engage with FEATURE single week out on tour.” the many cultures within ATHLETE AT One way that Henderson Canada and help support THE FIRST has been able to handle that the various ethical and pressure is a steady reliance faith groups, while ANNUAL on her family — who travel observing a weekend WORLD to nearly every tournament of golf. Henderson also VISION GOLF with her — and her faith in helped contribute to the God. $2 million raised for the TOURNAMENT “My sister Brittany is Children’s Hospital of IN MARKHAM, my caddy and my dad’s my Eastern Ontario at the ON IN 2017. coach,” she said. “I have a CP Women’s Open in ton of other people working Ottawa in 2017 by way of with me so that I can have success a charity golf tournament. out on tour. Having my Mom, dad and Just as the majority of North sister travel with me and be a part of American twenty-somethings do this amazing career and lifestyle that when greeted with a rush of emotion, I have is amazing; I wouldn’t be able Henderson is not one to shy away from to do it without all three of them.” posting meaningful lines, passages, Following the final hole of any quotes or dialogue on Twitter or major championship, the countless Instagram. Whether it’s a photo of media cameras, spectators and the 21-year-old greeting a young television viewers tend to focus their child on her walk between holes, or gaze on the champion him/herself just a simple post-victory celebratory and the physical trophy/hardware to biblical passage, Brooke Henderson be presented to the victor. However, certainly has a way of spreading her it’s in these moments in which infectious personality and Christian Henderson’s true colours arise. Before message to her followers through her posing for victory pictures, Henderson God-given talents. And she is only always ensures her parents and sister just beginning. make it into the celebration. During that waiting process, Henderson is often seen taking time to rearrange / CARTER BROOKS is a news writer and her ever-present cross necklace sports columnist situated in Winnipeg, before the victory photoshoots.

Manitoba. On top of reading and writing, A quick look at Henderson’s Twitter coaching hockey is his favourite page would provide answers to fans’ pastime. Carter can be reached at questions on her faith and religious carterbrooks1994@gmail.com. ties, as both a heart and a cross emoji Photos left by Vaughn Ridley. Photos top left by Adam Hunger. are predominantly present in the first Photo top right courtesy LPGA.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 29

OUT OF MY DEPTH

THE DANGER OF “WINNING” THE DEBATE

THE “LIKEWISE” OF MARRIAGE

BY PHIL WAGLER

I

f you have any experience as a husband, perhaps you’ll understand what I am about to say.

I can recall a number of times in my marriage of twenty-five years when I have made the perfect point in a conversation or debate with my bride. Okay, it may have just been me thinking I made the perfect point, but it was brilliant. I nailed the logic, the facts, the insight was profound, and what I said was entirely grounded in my genuine well-intentioned desires for things to be, well, right. Okay, it may have just been “right” in my own eyes, but I can’t see through anyone else’s, can I? She needed to know what I understood!

As I reflect on those times with my wife — daughter of the King of Kings, co-bearer of the image of God with me, co-heir of salvation, the Spirit, and the grace of eternal life — I am ashamed at how my rightness turned so wrong. It’s not that I abused her verbally or physically, nothing like that which is beyond the pale. No, I crushed her spirit. I very much, though unintentionally, stepped on her. I didn’t understand her, but only what I wanted from, for, or in contrast to her.

Once the elation over my “victory” ended and I came back down to earth, I saw the deflation. I felt the breath get sucked out of our evening together. I felt the yuck in the gut that is caused by relational nausea.

30 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

And, I felt what it did to my own suffered for the good us whom he faith, my own discipleship, my own loved, likewise we who are married walk with Jesus. It was like a great ought to honour the uniqueness, distance emerged in a tragically beauty, and wonder of woman above short time. ourselves and treat them not as Please tell me some other bloke those below us, but as those beside can relate!? us, as co-heirs with Jesus sees us as In 1 Peter 3:7 the old children in our Heavenly apostle writes, “Likewise, Father’s home. And, we are ONCE THE husbands, live with your to do this declares Peter, so ELATION OVER wives in an understanding that our prayers may not MY “VICTORY” way, showing honour be hindered. to the woman as the It all reminds me of ENDED AND weaker vessel, since they Jesus’s parable of the Good I CAME BACK are coheirs with you of Samaritan. The lawyer DOWN TO the grace of life, so that asked Jesus who his your prayers may not be neighbour is; who does he EARTH I hindered.” really need to love. Jesus SAW THE What a loaded sentence responded by showing DEFLATION. for any man! how the Good Samaritan What is the “likewise” loved the weak one. “You of which Peter writes? Well, back in 1 go and do likewise,” commanded Peter 2:21 he had written, “For to this Jesus (Luke 10:37). you have been called, because Christ This is the neighbourly “likewise” also suffered for you, leaving you an of God that upends the world. Many example, so that you might follow guys will go and do this kind of in his steps.” To wives, then, he had “likewise” for a buddy or even an said, “Likewise…be submissive to acquaintance. I wonder if it’s time for your own husbands, so that even more of us to go and do “likewise” for if some do not obey the word, they our wives? may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives…” (3:1). Like Jesus who suffered for us while we were far from God, so wives are to / PHIL WAGLER serves as a mission live in marriage as vessels through mobilizer with MB Mission and lives in whom God was wooing his lost sons.

Surrey, BC with the woman he doesn’t Now, to husbands, he says deserve and the family they have been “likewise” as well. Just as Jesus entrusted with together.

LIVES WORTH LEADING

WORTHY OF THE CALLING

DON’T HOPE FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE. DECIDE

BY COLIN MCCARTNEY

A

s we focus on marriage in this edition of Seven I can’t help but remember hearing a story about a man who was waiting to pick up his friend from the airport. As he waited and watched people walking out the exit area, he couldn’t help but notice the loud commotion in front of him as a man was greeted by his wife and three children.

They all were smiling from ear to ear so very excited to see each other.

This man immediately dropped his bags and motioned to one of his sons, who couldn’t have been more than six years old, to come on over and give him a big hug. It was a long hug and as they finally stopped he looked his son in the eyes and told him how he missed him so much. Then he gazed into the eyes of his older son who was about ten years old and cupped his face in his hands saying; “Zach you are becoming quite the young man. I love you so much, son”. Then they too gave each other a long hug.

During this tender hug, the man’s little daughter began to squirm in her mothers’ arms seeing the wonderful sight of her Daddy being back home.

The man reached out to grab his daughter and held her tightly saying; “Hi there my beautiful princess” and he then kissed her while holding her close to his chest. After a short time, he gave his daughter to his oldest son proclaiming; “Now, I saved the best to last.” And he gave his wife

AS YOU SEEK a passionate kiss then “What are you looking TO BE THAT stared her in the eyes while at?”

HUSBAND AND saying; “I love you. From The response was FATHER GOD seeing what was happening priceless, “My future.” you would have thought I share this story with CALLED YOU they were just newlyweds you to encourage you to TO REMEMBER but it was clear that decide to work hard in your THAT YOU because of their age and marriage. Don’t hope for their children’s ages that a good marriage, decide CANNOT GET they have been married for to have a good marriage THERE BY quite a while. by putting in some strong YOUR OWN In a display of genuine personal disciplines. amazement, the man who Remember, in order to have STRENGTH. was waiting to pick up his healthy families there must friend was surprised to hear first be healthy marriages. himself nervously ask this stranger; Not perfect marriages, but healthy “How long have you been married?” marriages, and this means you must “Twelve years,” responded the decide to make your marriage work. stranger.

So, as you seek to be that husband Then the question arose, “How long and father God called you to, remember have you been away?” that you cannot get there by your own The stranger turned and was still strength. Whatever you do remember, beaming his joyous smile, “Two whole “Don’t hope. Decide to have a great days!” marriage,” and afford yourself God’s “I hope my marriage is still that grace when you fail during the day. passionate after 12 years.” Came the Remember, this isn’t about you. It’s immediate response upon hearing how about Christ in you. short the length of time this man was away from his family.

The man stopped smiling and with / COLIN MCCARTNEY is an ordained great conviction and empathy declared, minister, speaker, and a bestselling “Don’t hope, friend… decide!” author. He is also the founder of Then he smiled again, shook UrbanPromise Toronto and now leads hands and said; “God bless!” And he Connect Ministries in Toronto where he, walked away with his family, hand his wife Judith, and their two children in hand with his wife and children. reside. For information in booking Colin While the man watched his friend as a speaker, please visit arrived and asked; www.connectministries.org.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 31

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND

FROM FRICTION TO FRACTURE

WHEN TO CALL A COUNSELOR

BY NEIL JOSEPHSON

W

hen Sharol and I were marriage pastors at a large church in California, we lived next door to a pair of lawyers… divorce lawyers! We became pretty good friends with Pat and Sandy and in one of our conversations about marriage and divorce, we asked them if there was a common denominator in all the couples they worked with.

They said, “Sure. They all got on their issues way too late.”

That was 12 years ago, but we have never forgotten that conversation, and to this day we continue to encourage couples to seek third-party help. Here’s the why, when and how of reaching out in order to grow a stronger, lasting marriage.

Why a counselor? Because we all need some help from time to time: • We call a tradesperson when we have something we don’t know how to fix; • We call a medical person when we are in pain or distress of some kind; • We call an expert when are trying to get better at something but feel stuck.

These are the same reasons we can and should connect with a counselor: • When we are stuck at a certain stage of our relationship — dealing with the same issues over and over.

• When we are experiencing pain and distress caused by a breach of trust, grief, mental illness, stress or any one of a host of issues, a

32 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

a fracture in the relationship, it’s even more important to seek assistance immediately. The sooner the intervention, the smaller the damage and the quicker the recovery.

And remember this — no matter how late in the MANY COUPLES game you think it is, never DELAY SEEKING give up hope. The common When? The short answer is “now.” denominator in divorce is HELP BY Perhaps you’re feeling that one or both spouses DOWNPLAYING a little friction in your lose hope. People often tell THE ISSUE, relationship and you’ve us their marriage ended been trying to address because of this or that but TELLING it, but the friction just the interesting thing is THEMSELVES won’t go away. It’s time that we have seen other IT ISN’T THAT to seek some help before couples overcome the the friction turns into a very same issues.

BAD OR THAT IT fracture. Many couples The difference is WILL SOON GO delay seeking help by this — the couples who AWAY. downplaying the issue, ultimately reconciled telling themselves it isn’t never lost hope, they kept that bad or that it will soon go away. pushing forward and they didn’t do Some couples delay due to it alone. They reached out and found pride — a sense that only weak people the help they needed. need help — or due to shame — the This is a good thing, it is a God belief that it’s a personal failure to thing and it is a necessary thing… need help from others. These are because no man is an island. unhealthy and unbiblical positions.

1 Peter 5:5 says “God resists you when you are proud but multiplies grace and / NEIL JOSEPHSON is the National Director favor when you are humble.” Don’t wait with FamilyLife Canada.Neil, together with for your spouse to go first and don’t his wife Sharol, lead FamilyLife Canada. concern yourself with what others Neil loves to learn, teach and write about might think. Lay down your pride, anything related to marriage, family and be humble and admit that something Christian discipleship. Married since 1982, is going on and you need assistance. Neil and Sharol have two great sons, two And do it now. awesome daugther-in-laws and three of the If the friction has already created sweetest grandchildren ever. counselor can provide short-term support and longer-term strategies for good health.

• And a counselor can be helpful even when we are doing well but just want to stay healthy and keep growing.

MUSIC REVIEWS

LOOK UP CHILD LAUREN DAIGLE (Centricity Music)

LIVE THE JOURNEY BUILDING 429 (Provident)

WIND UP BIRD MATTHEW THIESSEN & THE EARTHQUAKES

/ ONE OF CHRISTIAN music’s most electrifying voices, Lauren Daigle has returned with her second album, Look Up Child.

Often compared to vocal powerhouse Adelle, Daigle has become ubiquitous with the single, “You Say” a powerful declaration of our worth in God’s eyes, buoyed on her heart-stopping voice that is at turns deeply mature and lightly youthful.

It’s this combination of young innocence and mature musings that make the album such a delight as Daigle shows us how child-like faith bucks the pitfalls of stale religion. On “Losing My Religion” she pointedly sings, “No more performing out of fear/Trying to keep my

conscience clear/It all seems so insincere/I’d trade it all to meet You here.”

Elsewhere she sings of God’s faithfulness to His children; on “Look Up Child” Daigle describes her trust in a God not threatened by war or calamity, “I know You’re in control/Even in our suffering”.

And on “Remember” she sings, “I can’t stop thinking about Your goodness.”

It’s my favourite thing to see someone so talented and so utterly enraptured with God’s purpose for their life. I’m likely preaching to the choir, but if you aren’t a fan of Lauren Daigle yet, it’s time to give Look Up Child a listen.

/ BUILDING 429 RETURNS with their tenth studio album with their trademark pop rock polished to a sheen.

The silky smoothness of their production values reveals a mastering over the CCM model, but the lack of rough edges almost works against the listener, as each radio-ready hit bleeds into each other and it becomes difficult to tell one from another.

Still, the album is a fun, upbeat 10-track dose of joy to brighten your day.

On “The Same God” lead vocalist Jason Roy sings of encountering God at different stages in his life that span decades, only to find his relationship with the Creator has only deepened

through the trials of growing up.

Elsewhere on “The Journey” Roy builds on the same theme, “Maybe you know how it feels to be/Caught in a story that you want to leave/ Wondering when the struggle ends/My Father finishes what He begins.”

The pop production culminates in the peppy “1,000 Promises” that reminds us, “I believe each word is true… This isn’t where it ends/I know You’re not done yet.”

While not the most memorable entry into their storied discography, Live the Journey will not disappoint fans and music lovers looking for a soundtrack to jumpstart their day.

/ LONGTIME FANS OF Relient K will know Matthew Thiessen is a restless creator.

Launching a career in the era of punk-rock and a Christian alternative to Blink 182, Thiessen quickly began deconstructing and mixing genres and philosophical lyrics that kept listeners from ever getting too comfortable.

Thiessen’s latest offering pushes deeper into new territory with Wind Up Bird, trading punk rock for folksy americana.

It’s weird, it’s fun and best of all it’s good.

The folk guitar picking pairs well with Thiessen’s sometimes hyper yet soulful vocals and tongue-in-cheek lyrics. Thiessen seems fascinated by surrealism and introspection,

amused by his own creativity and his inability to “get a real job.”

While not overly spiritually in theme, the poetry and artistic expression is beautiful. On the particularly introspective and surreal track, “The Calendar, The Energy (If This Is You Then Woe Is Me), Thiessen sings, “I’ll analyze the world and all its people/Concluding everyone is evil/And I more so than anyone I know/I have my faults/But I’d so much rather look at yours.”

When so many bands are keeping to the shallows, it’s exciting to see Christian artists are still willing to wade deep into art-making and let their audience find their own meaning in the beautiful mess.

/ STEVEN SUKKAU works in radio on the prairies of Southern Manitoba.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018 SEVEN 33

POWER PLAY

TOYS / TOOLS / TECHNOLOGY FROM HERE TO THERE AND FUN ALONG THE WAY

BY SANDY MCMURRAY

IPHONE XS

// apple.ca The latest and greatest iPhone has a load of new features including a bigger and better screen and major improvements to the built-in cameras. The product introduction included a splash test that showed the iPhone's resistance to water, coffee, tea, pop, and beer.

Lots of people are trying to rationalize this purchase, but it's hard. The iPhone Xs starts at $1379 Canadian for the 64GB model. This might be a good time for Apple to remind us that Xs is supposed to be pronounced "Ten Ess" not "excess".

Is the iPhone too expensive? Mac fan Álex Barredo provided a tongue in cheek answer to this question on Twitter, by comparing the iPhone Xs Max (the biggest model) with an Apple laptop. The results were surprising. At first, it's shocking that the phone costs nearly as much as the laptop, but then you notice that the iPhone has a better screen, the same amount of storage (512GB) and two cameras, both of which are better than the MacBook Pro. And, of course, the phone is thinner and lighter than the laptop.

Ah, but what if your phone was also a laptop replacement. The comparison chart shows that's not as crazy as you might think.

For now though, at that price, you might want to stick with your flip phone, or get a couple of cans and some string and wait for next year's model.

34 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

NAILED IT NOTES

// amazon.ca If you have ever wanted to send someone a note to thank or encourage them, you might be a woman. Just kidding. Of course there are occasions that call for a written "attaboy", but most men do not keep cards and envelopes handy for this.

Nailed It notes are perfect for these occasions. You just fill in the To and From fields at the top, check the box for the appropriate sentiment, then tear off the sheet and hand-deliver. If you want to add a personal message, there's a little space at the bottom.

For the times when you want to say "Good for you Pal" without paying five bucks for a greeting card, Nailed It notes get the job done. One pad goes for about $10.

ARMREST ORGANIZER

// bedbathandbeyond.ca I think the invention of the armrest organizer went something like this: Here I am in my favourite chair, all settled in and comfortable.

Ahhhh. Now, where's the TV remote? Way over there? Guess I'll stand up and get it. Whoops! Spilled my popcorn everywhere. And now my drink too! I need a mop, and a flat surface to store my snacks. And somewhere better to store the remote...

The 6-pocket armrest organizer has a tray top for food and drink, and handy storage space for reading material. And there's a holster - sorry, a pocket - for your TV remotes. One size fits all — the flexible design makes it suitable for most chairs and couches.

Now all you need is someone to bring you refills.

The armrest organizer sells for about $20.

BEAR HANDS OVEN MITTS

// genuinefred.com Hey, everyone! Look! This hot dish just came out of the oven. You should stay back, it's *incredibly* hot. Look how it's steaming. Yet somehow I'm holding it with just... my... bear hands!

Bwah-ha-ha! Oh, the look on your faces! You didn't see that joke until it was too late! You laughed out loud. It sounded a bit like groaning but I'm sure you were laughing.

Bear Hands are grizzly-sized oven mitts, made from insulated cotton and heat resistant silicon pads. The perfect Dad Joke, and useful too. One set of paws goes for about $10.

VINYL BOOKENDS

// vinylux.net/products Vinyl is having a moment, as young people discover records and record players. In a world where most new music is digital, vinyl recordings seem real, authentic, and cool.

There's no better time to be Vinylux, a company that turns old records into attractive and unusual objects including clocks, bowls, keychains, and books. The look and feel of the old vinyl, including the original record labels, is preserved as art. Each pair of vinyl bookends, for example, contains four vintage 45rpm records, bonded to engineered wood cores, with an original 45rpm adapter in the middle. Sorry, you don't get to choose the song or label.

Since 2002, hundreds of thousands of old records — past their playing prime — have been collected and transformed. Vinylux gets recycled vinyl from record shops, dealers, and collectors.

Every year they recycle and reuse approximately 150,000 records or almost 40,000 pounds of material.

One pair of groovy Vinylux bookends sells for about $50.

MOMENT APP

// inthemoment.io Moment is an app for iPhone and iPad that tracks how much you use your devices. The goal is to help you see how much time you spend online and — if desired — to reduce that time. You set your own daily limits then forget about it. Moment will notify you when you're using the device more than you want to.

Kevin Holesh wrote the Moment app for himself. "When I first started using Moment, I was spending 75 minutes or more on my phone every single day. I currently have my daily limit set to 40 minutes, so after 40 minutes on my iPhone for the day, I get an annoying buzzer telling me to look away from the glowing box in my hands."

Sure, it's a bit ironic — using your phone to see if you're using your phone too much — but sometimes we just need a gentle reminder that we're ignoring the world again just to check email.

Moment is free.

36 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2018

NERF MODS

// chapters.indigo.ca Nerf blasters have been around since the 1970s.

Dads love them. Moms tolerate them. Cats hate them. Before laser tag, before paintball, Nerf projectiles were flying around in homes and offices.

Each year brings new updates to the Nerf lineup, and each new set of blasters boasts more range and power than the previous year. The Nerf Blaster Modification Guide was written for foam warriors who refuse to wait until next year. They want to upgrade their arsenal now and take them farther than Nerf would dare.

This guide has tips and projects that will not only make your Nerf blasters look cooler but also improve your range, firing capacity, and projectile speed. Author Luke Goodman (aka “Out of Darts”) covers the basics of Nerf's propulsion systems and explains how to modify your blasters, with easy to follow instructions and step-by-step photos.

If you need an edge for that next battle, get the Nerf Blaster Modification Guide. It sells for about $25.

SMELL CHECKER

// tanita.co.jp You might not know this, but men are sometimes oblivious to bad smells.

We may not even agree that something smells bad. That's especially true when we are the source of the odour. Nothing personal guys, but sometimes you stink.

Incredibly, many of us don't notice the bad smells even when they're literally under our own noses. It takes a discrete word from a trusted friend or family member — or a best friend's shout from across the room — before we notice the problem.

How can you tell if your deodorant is losing the battle with your body? Japan’s Tanita corporation has the solution: an electronic nose that can sniff out body odour.

The ES-100 smell checker uses technology similar to the sensors found in a breathalyzer machine to detect unwanted body odour from sweat glands. Folded up, it looks like a pager from the 1980s. Unfolded, it looks like a scanner from Star Trek. Extend the sensor arm and hold the device close to your body. The ES-100 will give you a reading that tells if you're smelly or not, using an 11 point scale that measures not only body odour but also other scents like cologne and aftershave.

The smell checker sells for about $250. Soap is cheaper. You decide.

/ SANDY MCMURRAY writes about games, toys, and gadgets at funspot.ca.

NEXT ISSUE

Speaking of Faith Talking about your faith to a friend or stranger seems to come so naturally for some people. But what about those of us who struggle to articulate the belief we hold so dear? Next issue we look at ways to share the Good News with the people God puts in our path.

38 SEVEN SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER NOVEMBER / DECEMBER2018 2018

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