SEVEN - Issue 45 (November/December 2015)

SEVEN Sex Issue PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA

SEEKING CLARITY AMID CONFUSION

MEN / GOD / LIFE

THE

COMPASSION WITHOUT COMPROMISE 5 TOUGH QUESTIONS ABOUT LOVING OUR GAY FRIENDS

HIGHWAY TO HEALING THE ONGOING BATTLES OF SEX ADDICTION RECOVERY

NOV / DEC 2015 ISSUE 45 NEWSSTAND PRICE CDN $4.95

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promisekeepers.ca/greater 2 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

CONTENTS

16

COLUMNS 6 // PK Podium A Vision For the Future 8 // Lives Worth Leading The Power of Our Presence 30 // Sports Scene Not An Easy Time for Ellis, But Faith is his Rock

FEATURES 16 COMPASSION WITHOUT COMPROMISE When it comes to homosexuality, is it possible for Christians to be a people of truth without destroying friendships? Authors Adam Barr and Ron Citlau think so, and offer their answers on some of the toughest questions Christians are currently facing.

20 STAY THE COURSE While the first step is no doubt the most difficult, the ongoing work of sex addiction recovery is a lengthy process. We sit down with author and speaker Nate Larkin for some tips on staying strong.

20 27

24 RESPONDING TO LUST, CONFRONTING SHAME Succumbing to sexual temptation can be devastating, and as recent examples have shown, even prominent Christian leaders are not immune.

It’s happened before, and it will happen again; how can the Church respond with grace?

32 // The Single Life You Don’t Need Sex 33 // Out of My Depth Speed Limit Sex

DEPARTMENTS 10 // The Pulse Bits. Blips. Beats. Blurbs.

14 // Music Reviews Identity. Passions. Brokenness.

34 // Power Play Toys. Tools. Technology.

27 GETTING A RESET BUTTON IN THE BEDROOM Is your sex life in need of a fresh start? Sheila Wray Gregoire provides some helpful pointers for spicing things up in the bedroom. As it turns out, a little communication goes a long way.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 3

ON THE COVER

SEVEN is a Christian magazine for Canadian men that exists to help men lead more fulfilling lives and leave enduring legacies.

THE SEX ISSUE

Sex. Few things invoke such strong sentiments. What on one hand can be a source of joy and unity can, at the same time, very easily be a source of shame and divisive opinion. This month, SEVEN attempts to tread gracefully into the complex and often messy realm of sexuality.

The name reflects the seven promises that form the basis of the Promise Keepers organization, which works with churches to minister to men across Canada.

1 // A promise keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit.

2 // A promise keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.

3 // A promise keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically and sexually.

4 // A promise keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values.

5 // A promise keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.

6 // A promise keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate that power of biblical unity.

7 // A promise keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

Publisher PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA

EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD

EDITORIAL

PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA

Editorial Director JEFF STEARNS

KIRK GILES

Questions and comments

Box 20099 RPO Brant Hills

Managing Editor ROB HORSLEY

Promise Keepers Canada

regarding editorial can be sent

Burlington, ON L7P 0A4

to rhorsley@promisekeepers.ca,

(905) 331-1830 info@promisekeepers.ca

ADVERTISING

JEFF STEARNS

or mailed to Promise Keepers

RICK VERKERK

Promise Keepers Canada

Canada at the address provided.

rick@promisekeepers.ca MATT BREIMER

1-888-901-9700

Postmaster, please send DESIGN

address changes to:

DEVON WAGENAAR

Box 20099 RPO Brant Hills,

ROB HORSLEY

Devon J Andrew Design Inc.

Burlington, ON L7P 0A4

Promise Keepers Canada

djadesign.ca

ISSN 1916-8403

Promise Keepers Canada

The PK Canada logo features a maple leaf, indicating our dedication to serve the men of Canada.

An arrow breaks into the maple leaf symbolizing the impact we believe God wants to see Promise Keepers and men making in our nation. A special thank-you to all the pastors who continually encourage us to communicate God’s truth with grace and love.

4 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

podcasts It’s now easier than ever to listen to the latest messages from Promise Keepers Canada! With just a few clicks, you can listen wherever you are. Get exclusive access to interviews and inspiring messages with:

Max Lucado John and Sam Eldredge Gary Thomas The Skit Guys Donald Miller and many others! promisekeepers.ca/podcasts

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 5

PK PODIUM

A VISION FOR THE FUTURE

THE BATTLE IS REAL

BY KIRK GILES

S

trong and godly men are critical for the future of our families and for communities across the country. Stories and statistics tell us that the root cause of many of the problems we see around us is the absence of a faithful man.

It’s no surprise then that men are under such intense spiritual attack. Over the past twelve months, that attack has become more and more obvious. The Ashley Madison scandal reminded us of how often men are confronted by sexual temptations. In parts of our country, significant economic upheaval has many men stressed, disillusioned and left scrambling to provide for their families while also seeking fulfillment and purpose from their work. The local church continues to face a growing tide of cultural shifts as more and more people walk away from the fundamentals of what Scripture teaches. Fear, not love, is controlling the actions of large numbers of men. The number of distractions around men continue to grow, tempting them to take their eyes off the greatness they can have as part of God’s Kingdom.

Yet, in the midst of this attack, there is a core of men across Canada who are committed to being faithful to following Jesus. Many more have experienced what the world has to offer and have discovered that it is lacking.

Because of these men, those not willing to leave any man behind, lives across Canada are being impacted. In 2015, we were able to help more men than ever in the history of the ministry. New initiatives were launched to build up younger guys. Tens of thousands of men were supported and made stronger through our efforts to support local churches. Our conferences have grown compared to the previous couple of years—igniting many new participants to live for Jesus.

Fatherless children in many communities now have a mentor. Families are getting stronger as husbands learn to love their wife well and raise their kids God’s way. Churches are benefiting as men step up and become active participants. Men are becoming secure and confident because they are finding their identity in Jesus.

We’re just scratching the surface of what needs to be done. Our vision is to see every man becoming, growing, and living as disciples of Jesus Christ.

At Promise Keepers Canada we are dreaming of all that God has planned for the future. We are only beginning. We are committed to walking with men all year—because the spiritual battle we face is very real, each and every day. We are committed to walking with men all year, because the potential of having an eternal impact is so great.

We know this is only possible with you. Together, we will leave no man behind!

6 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

KIRK GILES is the president of Promise Keepers Canada.

However, his most important roles as a man are husband to Shannon and father to Carter, Joshua, Sydney and Samuel.

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More than 50 chapters across Canada. Find them at www.ccbf.org NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 7

LIVES WORTH LEADING

THE POWER OF OUR PRESENCE BE A BLESSING, NOT A CURSE

BY COLIN MCCARTNEY

“Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed.”

// PROVERBS 11:11

A

few years ago I was a coach on my son’s hockey team. We were in a sudden death playoff game that was tied 3 – 3. With only seconds remaining on the clock my son stole the puck from the opposing defenceman and rushed in alone on their goalie scoring the game-winning goal. The arena broke into pandemonium while our players poured onto the ice to celebrate our inevitable victory. With only a few seconds left on the clock we knew we had won the game and were headed into the next round of the playoffs! After the game I headed into the lobby to celebrate with the parents of our boys when I saw the opposing coach berating the defenceman who had coughed up the puck that ended up in his net. The boy was in tears as his coach laid into him everything he did wrong. Standing in shock and wondering aloud why this boy’s father wasn’t there to protect his son from this belligerent coach a parent responded: “That is his father. The coach is his dad!”

As fate would have it we were back on the ice the next week in a familiar scenario—another winner-take-all playoff game. With the game heading to overtime my son gobbled up the puck in his own end and attempted a

8 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

clearing pass up the ice. The pass was intercepted at the blue line and the other team’s forward rushed in and scored. We ended up losing the game and were eliminated from the playoffs.

As my son slowly skated to our bench, head hanging low, he hopped the boards and sat in front of me tears welling up in his eyes. I leaned over and whispered into his ear; “Always remember that no matter what happens in life I am always proud of you and always will be. I am here for you no matter what. You are a strong man. You will get through this.”

As I reminisce about this story, it reminds me that the most basic definition of a leader is someone who influences others. This means all of us (male and female) are leaders simply because we influence others around us.

However, when it comes to being a man I am convinced there is a unique leadership calling that comes to every one of us. Masculine leadership produces a sense of safety, security, respect and confidence for all those who are impacted by a good male leader. Conversely, male leadership that is absent or not lived out correctly creates a sense of danger, insecurity, lack of respect and fear for all within the realm of the ineffective male leader.

As a leader I had three options in response to my son that fateful day. I could have chosen to say nothing to him which would have been an abandonment of my leadership respon-

sibilities. I could have disrespected him just like that other coach did by saying things to my son that created fear and insecurity in him. But by God’s grace I did the right thing as a leader by making myself present to my son and supporting him with words of blessing, not cursing.

In Proverbs 11:11 we read; “Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed.”

If entire cities can be exalted through blessing or destroyed through cursing how much more can individuals be exalted or demolished by our presence and words?

Our wives and children desperately need our blessing. Our friends and neighbours are starving for our blessed presence in their lives. Our cities, nations and world need Christian men who will take the lead by blessing the world with our presence. So, the question we, as men, must ask is this; “Is our leadership influence on others godly, positive and life-affirming or is it negative and life-destroying?”

It can only be one or the other.

/ COLIN MCCARTNEY is an ordained minister, speaker, and a bestselling author. He is also the founder of UrbanPromise Toronto and now leads Connect Ministries in Toronto where he, his wife Judith, and their two children reside. To learn more about Colin, go to www.connectministries.org.

THE PULSE

BITS / BLIPS / BEATS / BLURBS

Messy Subject

FROM THE EDITOR

BY ROB HORSLEY

EDITOR’S DESK / Talking about, or in this case, writing about sex can be tricky— especially when you know your father-in-law is reading. (Hi, Dad.) After all, as much as we love our grandbabies, nobody really wants to think about where they came from…

Joking aside, it’s time once again for “The Sex Issue.” And there’s a lot of bad ways we can talk about sex. From crass jokes, to gender stereotypes, to utter insensitivity to the very real struggles of very real people, sex is indeed a hot-button topic.

Sometimes, it’s best to proceed with caution.

For those who’ve been around a while, it might seem like things are in a tailspin right now. Attitudes and opinions towards issues of sex, even from within the Christian community, are more noticeably splitting. Things we thought we knew in years past have (perhaps) suddenly become a whole lot murkier. The times, most certainly, are a-changin’.

Sex evokes a lot of strong opinions, and perhaps it ought to. After all, it’s one of the most intimate and personal expressions of our humanness we can offer. So for the religiously-minded, it makes sense that we would seek to keep our conversations about sex, our understandings of sex, and our ideals about sex in a realm associated with purity, sanctity, and holiness.

Take homosexuality for instance: it’s important that in the midst of our conversations about a very touchy subject that we continue to talk to each other, and not past each other. Clearly, there is room for gentleness in discussions such as these.

Let me be clear: ideals about sex are good things to strive for. The fact that we are concerned enough to express an opinion,

There is most definitely a wrong way to say the right thing.

10 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

perhaps a disagreeable one, in regards to sexuality shows that we recognize its importance.

But as with any disagreement on any subject, it is important that we keep our bearings in how we express our beliefs about sex, and in particular, sexual sin. It does no good to express truth, if the way we express that truth is in such a way that it will fall upon closed ears.

Whether it’s same-sex marriage, sex addiction, lust, or the bedroom practices between a husband and wife, it’s important that we don’t go off the rails in how we communicate our opinions. As anyone who’s ever been misunderstood by their spouse (ie. every married person ever) will know, there is most definitely a wrong way to say the right thing.

People of various political stripes will often cite the woman caught in adultery as a biblical example of how we ought to proceed in conversations about sex. Some might see it as a calling to hold fast to what is true—don’t budge.

Hold the line. Others might say it’s a reminder to emphasize compassion and forgiveness above the call to a pharisaic understanding of righteousness.

But, as is often the case, perhaps the truth lies somewhere in between.

While it is indeed true that Jesus commanded the woman to “go and sin no more,” it’s important that we recognize the component of compassion that lies at the heart of this story. Whether we differ in the particulars or the essentials, there’s a call to love that can’t be divorced from how we engage with the world around us, as skewed as it may be.

Sex can be a messy subject, and while we’re bound to disagree at one point or another, we hope the message we present here, now, in this edition of SEVEN that you hold in your hands, embodies the gentleness and love that has so graciously been extended to us by God, and God alone. Sometimes it’s as important to say things well than to say good things. / RH

FEMALE ‘SEX-DRIVE PILL’ SHOWS MARGINAL BENEFITS—AND TROUBLING SIDE-EFFECTS

ON POINT ‘VIRGIN SNAKE’ GIVES BIRTH—AGAIN ST. LOUIS, MO / A female snake in southeastern Missouri has given birth to a pair of offspring for the second time in two years. What’s so special about that, you ask?

According to the Associated Press, the snake is a “virgin.”

While the original story has more than likely been sensationalized a tad for the sake of a few extra clicks, the fact remains that this particular specimen, a yellow-bellied water snake, has indeed lived in captivity for nearly eight years without any male contact whatsoever.

Scientists have discovered that fish, insects, birds, amphibians and reptiles are in fact capable, in some rare instances, of asexual reproduction through a process known as parthenogenesis, wherein cells known as “polar bodies” fuse with egg cells in a way not unlike that of sperm cells, which then triggers cell division.

This process has not been found to occur in mammals.

Though this year’s ‘virgin snake’ offspring did not survive, reports indicate that the previous pair born last summer is still on display at the nature centre located about 100 miles south of St. Louis.

(Associated Press)

USA / A new pill from Sprout Pharmaceutical Inc., intended to up the sex drives of women with low libido, is soon set to go on sale to the public. But like any other ‘miracle drug’ that seems too good to be true, this one might be as well.

According to a report from Anna Edney of Bloomberg News (and subsequently picked up by The National Post), the pill in question, Addyi (flibanserin), will be available for public consumption as of midOctober, provided that customers sign a form acknowledging its risks—which include “fainting and extreme sleepiness.”

While Holly Thacker, director of the Cleveland Clinic Center for Specialized Women’s Health, says that side effects are “not life threatening” and “not outside the norm of medications in a similar class,” clinical trials have shown Addyi to only slightly improve sexual desire in some test subjects—barely any more than those who had been given a placebo. Studies also found that risk of side effects increased in combination with alcohol and birth-control medicine.

And the cost? According to the original report, Addyi will cost between $350 and $400 USD before insurance, and must be taken daily, meaning that doctors and insurance providers will need to be convinced to cover the drug to make it affordable to the majority of consumers.

Adriane Fugh-Bergman is among those who has expressed criticism of Addyi, stating, “They have gotten a drug that is barely better than a placebo with serious side effects.

“I think that we can expect all kinds of creative attacks of the [Food and Drug Administration] to pressure them to improve bad drugs since that tactic appeared to work.”

BUT LIKE ANY OTHER ‘MIRACLE DRUG’ THAT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, THIS ONE MIGHT BE AS WELL

(Bloomberg News, National Post, Canadian Press)

NOVEMBER MARCH / APRIL / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 11

DAD DOES HIS BEST LIAM NEESON IN ATTEMPT TO GET KIDS TO CLEAN UP

ODDS AND ENDS BACON-FLAVOURED HEALTH FOOD TAKING OFF OREGON / Unhealthy just tastes better. It’s a scientific fact. Or at least it was, up until a short time ago, so it would seem.

Dulse, a newly domesticated marine plant packing more nutrients than the popular superfood kale is being developed into several types of healthy edible items, thanks to the efforts of researchers at Oregon State University. The best part? It tastes just like bacon—naturally.

Originally developed as food for abalone, a large, edible mollusk, dulse is perhaps best described as a sort of red algae. To this point, the plant hasn’t been widely consumed, largely due to its high price point of $90 per pound. Researchers hope that their work will make the plant more affordable and widely available.

The next step, researchers say, is to get OSU business students to come up with a plan for circulation. Growing more shouldn’t be too much of a challenge, as sunshine and seawater are basically the only two conditions needed for dulse to thrive.

(Live Science)

THE INTERNET / Getting kids to clean up after themselves can be a challenge, and there are a number of differing opinions on the best way to do it. Do you try to reason with them? Maybe you’re more a fan of the ‘stern talking-to.’ Or maybe your secret weapon is just to straight-up yell at them.

We don’t know, but we assume you’ve found something (within the bounds of good taste) that works for you.

But if you’re new to the whole “parenting thing” or are just plum out of ideas, you could always try this on for size.

We’re not exactly sure where and when this happened, but one dad, whose work has now gone viral, decided to write a cleanup reminder to his kids, based off of the popular thriller movie series, Taken, starring gravelvoiced action star Liam Neeson.

For those not familiar with the series, Neeson plays former CIA assassin Bryan Mills, who has a ‘particular set of skills,’ which he invariably uses to find and take down whatever baddie has beset him or his family on that particular day, usually accompanied by a hair-raising speech with ominous implications.

But in this case, the dad’s threats hit much closer to home, as follows: “I don’t know who you are.

“I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for a maid to clean up after you, I can tell you I don’t do that.

“But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long lifetime. Skills that make me an expert in home WiFi systems and Cellular Data plans.

“If you clean up your own kitchen mess, that’ll be the end of it.

“I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.

“But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you…

“And I will disconnect you.”

If you can imagine it in Liam Neeson’s voice, it truly is quite terrifying.

(Metro)

12 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

There’s more.

You know that must be true, especially if you follow Jesus Christ. More than the ‘same old, same old.’ More than Sunday sermons. More than truck payments. Even more than sports!

There’s more to this world and this life than the media will ever tell you, secondhand. Maybe you need to man up and find out for yourself—find out the truth of God’s mission, your place in it and, in doing so, find yourself. But where to begin?

Talk with us to find your fit in mission.

We’re over 3,000 who demonstrate and proclaim the Gospel in more than 110 countries. We know there’s more.

Contact us @ 1 877 487 7777 info.ca@om.org www.om.org

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 13

MUSIC REVIEWS

BY STEVEN SUKKAU

WE ARE

UNASHAMED

THE WONDERLANDS

THE CITY HARMONIC (Integrity Music)

BUILDING 429 (Provident Label Group)

JON FOREMAN (Lowercase people records)

RISING CANADIAN band, The City Harmonic brings together a collection of worship anthems and an earnest desire for the Church to see her true self in their new album, appropriately titled, We Are. As the name suggests, nearly every track on the Hamilton, Ontario natives’ fourth studio album seems to delve deeper into the question of the Church’s true identity, the way Christ envisioned us. It’s hard not to believe when songs like “We Are One” pull you onto your feet in worship as choirs and guitars combine and lyrics paint a picture of the victorious Church.

As lead singer Elias Dummer sings, “Once of the dust, now of the Son. All life and death and what’s to come belong to Christ, and Christ to God. So here we stand, hands lifted high. The very hands and feet of Christ.”

But their hope in a unified Church is not naive; the band knows deeply how broken and dark the world has become, and how far the Church has fallen, as Dummer sings on Confessions, “Arrogant rebels from the start, dying to kill who You let live, eager to judge who You’ll forgive.”

Yet, faith in God’s promise of renewal is evident on One, “Here we are, many parts, One in Spirit and of one heart, the body of the living God.” It’s easy to become disillusioned with the Church, but We Are reminds us our present reality doesn’t necessarily reflect our true identity.

AFTER THE 2011 single “Where I Belong” rocketed them to center stage, Building 429 is not only using their platform to proclaim the message of Christ without hesitation or holding back, but encouraging listeners to join them by harnessing their own gifts and passions in 2015’s Unashamed.

As Jason Roy sings on the title track, “I can’t help but speak of the things you’ve done, so let my life proclaim, I am unashamed.”

Just as Building 429 uses their music, they encourage listeners to tap into their own talents to make God known in the world.

On “Earth Shaker,” “This is the moment, the here and the now, we’ve got the choice to step up or stand down, what are you gonna do when they’re staring back at you? This is our time to stand-out.”

Living up to the excellence of their previous offerings, Unashamed also fulfills their namesake’s scripture from Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

You can’t help but listen to Unashamed and feel sturdier, built up like a skyscraper reaching for heaven.

JON FOREMAN, frontman for Christian rock staple Switchfoot, has completed his second major solo project, proving once again he’s not just a rock star, but a folk singer wise beyond his years.

Like the ambitious Limbs and Branches project made up of four EP albums; Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter, all dwelling on the different themes and seasons of life and love, The Wonderlands EPs cover the spectrum of a single day; Sunlight, Shadows, Darkness and Dawn (the last EP released in November) for a 25 song opus.

The songs are a departure from Switchfoot’s rock anthems in their stripped down, singer/songwriter folk tunes nature.

Foreman’s acoustic folk pairs nicely with lyrics that have informed Switchfoot’s insightful rock singles.

Many of his new songs are sombre, even melancholic, but deeply shot with earnest searching. Foreman is looking for meaning in pain and death here with his music, not avoiding the ugly side of life, but looking deeply at the most painful hours which seems to inevitably point himself, and the listener, back to God. Foreman’s poetics are summed up perfectly in “The Mountain” also on Sunlight’s EP, “Maybe faith is found inside a seed, maybe faith is found inside of me, mostly I feel like I’m lost at sea, I believe, Lord help my unbelief.”

If your faith journey has turned into in a season of searching, Foreman’s music is the perfect companion for the road.

/ STEVEN SUKKAU works for Golden West Radio and resides in Winkler, Manitoba.

14 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

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FEATURE

Compassion Without Compromise FIVE TOUGH QUESTIONS: SHOWING JESUS’ LOVE TO OUR GAY FRIENDS

BY ADAM T. BARR AND RON CITLAU

I

n preparing our book Compassion without Compromise, we collected questions from lots of people— too many to cover in a short article.

Some of them arise from people’s own experiences. Some are hypothetical “What if?” queries that set up scenarios any of us would find daunting. Like you, we are learning the complex balancing act of reaching out in love,

16 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

speaking truth with compassion, opening the doors for the gospel and trying to be a good friend or family member.

We hope these practical responses will be helpful in your context. Even more—we pray that you will be able to grow in discernment, and exercise biblical wisdom in real life situations.

As you seek to exercise compassion

without compromise, we encourage you to keep two key principles in mind: a) mission, and b) true love.

MISSION Jesus came to seek and save lost people, and He has sent us out with that same mission. (Luke 19:1-10 and 24:44-49) We can never forget this. He did not call us to a “bumper sticker”

mission, where we are content to advertise our convictions without ever entering into the sometimes-messy world of relationships. When we are facing a tough choice, one essential question should be, “Will this help or hurt my call to witness in this person’s life?”

TRUE LOVE The “true love” concept is at the heart of living out a life of compassion without compromise. In our day, people often act as if love and truth are at odds. Sometimes, people do live that way.

Let’s face it—there are “truth” people who dispense facts without any hint of love. “Truth” people are like guys who use a sledgehammer for every conceivable household task that includes hammering something. They might be trying to drive a stake into the ground to stabilize a sapling (good application), or a small nail into the wall to hang a picture (bad application). In the extreme, “truth” people do things like question the eternal salvation of a friend’s grandmother while visiting them in the funeral home. Or respond to a gay coworkers wedding invitation by looking up and saying, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

Truth people need to grow in true love.

Then there are “love” people who refuse to ever speak a hard truth if they feel it might hurt someone’s feelings.

They are like an over-indulgent, willfully blind parent who refuses to believe that “my little Johnny” would ever hurt another person, despite a track record of terrorizing his classmates, or like a doctor who would refuse to give someone a hard diagnosis if the treatment might inconvenience the patient.

A “true love” person understands that trying to sustain love without truth is like trying to breathe underwater. We are not showing anyone love when we encourage them

to live out of phase with reality. At the same time, acknowledging the truth that it’s potentially dangerous to dive below the surface does not prevent us from jumping in to save someone we love! Love drives us forward. Truth helps us chart a safe course towards the destination.

We won’t pretend the answer is easy. Sometimes, the “right call” will only be known in eternity. With that

to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:2-6) Here are five simple applications we can draw from this passage: 1. HAVE THE RIGHT MINDSET: If you enter a conversation with a “winlose” mentality, you’ve lost already.

Our goal is not to win a debate, but “open a door.” Creative questions are one of the best ways to open doors.

If you enter a conversation with a “win-lose” mentality, you’ve lost already. said, here are a few of the questions we have received. We pray you find the answers helpful as you reach out with the Good News.

1

HOW CAN I HAVE A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION ABOUT THIS ISSUE WITHOUT GETTING INTO AN ARGUMENT? HOW CAN I TURN AN ARGUMENT INTO A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION?

Submitted by “Brian,” a 30-something youth pastor, husband and father of three.

Paul was no stranger to difficult conversations.

Sometimes, they ended with incredible conversions.

Sometimes, they ended with him being stoned! His words to the Colossian church are relevant: “[Pray] also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison—that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought

“What do you believe? What’s led you to care so much about this issue?”

2. SPEAK YOUR CONVICTIONS CLEARLY: We’re convinced God has revealed truth in His Word. In some ways, that removes the pressure—this isn’t just our private hobbyhorse. It’s what the Bible, God’s Word, teaches.

3. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CONVERSATIONAL CONTEXT: Paul said we should “walk in wisdom.”

Wisdom is applied righteousness— knowing the right steps in the real world.

• Don’t “yell in the library”: Are you at work, in a Bible study, on the street?

These factors will determine just how the conversation proceeds.

• Discern whom are you speaking to: Is he gay? Does she have an ideological axe to grind? Has he just learned his daughter is a lesbian?

• Control the thermostat: What is their emotional temperature (1-calm; 10-screaming mad)? If it starts to get hot, acknowledge it and take a step back. What is your emotional temperature? Wherever you are, keep cool. Otherwise, you give

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someone the right to write you off. Your conversation should be “gracious, seasoned with salt.”

4. DON’T EXPECT AGREEMENT EVERY TIME: In this passage, Paul basically asks God for the chance to say again, with clarity, what landed him in the slammer in the first place! This isn’t a popularity contest.

Secondly, it would not be wrong to invite your son and his partner to your home for Christmas. Of course, they would stay in separate rooms.

In loving ways you can be hospitable and honest. You can share the love of Christ, the gospel and show your son that you are there for him even in his sin. Personally, this is what I (Ron) would do.

Finally, there are no easy answers here. What might be good for one family will not work for another.

One needs to make decisions slowly, prayerfully and lovingly. Don’t be reactive, and be willing to have hard conversations with your son. Why does he want to do this? Does he understand how painful this is? What is he feeling? Seek to love in the midst of turmoil.

3

OUR SON IS IN A “DATING” RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER MAN AND WANTS TO BRING HIM HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. SHOULD WE ALLOW THIS?

MY GAY BROTHER HAS INVITED ME TO HIS UPCOMING WEDDING. AS A CHRISTIAN, OF COURSE, I DON’T AGREE WITH WHAT THEY ARE DOING, BUT IF I REFUSE TO GO TO THIS CEREMONY OR SPEAK OUT AGAINST IT, I RISK ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BROTHER AND HIS PARTNER IN THE FUTURE. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Submitted by “Howie” and “Sue,” 60-somethings with a wonderful marriage, four adult children and several grandkids.

Submitted by “Tim,” a 40-something, married father of three who works as a school counsellor.

First of all: your home, your rules.

This is deeply personal; some parents just can’t handle being around their kid’s partner and that is okay. Your son can’t expect you to enter into his decisions and just accept them. To expect such blanket acceptance is just not reasonable. Your family life does not revolve around his choices.

He needs to respect your boundaries and your moral choices. Instead, you can gently lay down a boundary: we love you and would love you, alone, to come home for the holidays.

This will be one of the most painful realities we will face in the coming years.

Normally joyful announcements—engagements, showers, wedding invitations, adoption announcements— have become potential relationship bombs. As heart-wrenching as we find it to give this answer, we advise believers not to attend a gay “wedding.”

The crux of the issue is summed up simply: We cannot celebrate what the Bible censors.

Weddings are a worshipful celebration of the God who made

5. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY: Enough said. Just pray. A lot.

2

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marriage. Marriage is not a manmade institution. It was designed by God as a source of joy for people and glory for Himself. The marriage bond is not merely an emotional, relational connection between a husband and wife. It is an objective, spiritual reality created in heaven. (Genesis 2:24 ; Matthew 19:3-9) Ultimately, human marriage is a creaturely analog of Christ and the Church.

When we attend weddings, we are joining with the assembled congregation and the host of heaven to say “Yes!” We are not only agreeing with the decision of two people to enter into a holy bond. We are agreeing with marriage as a God-ordained institution. We are agreeing with the God who designed the marriage bond.

We are actually glorifying the God who seals two souls together.

But none of these things happen when two men or two women determine to call their relationship “marriage.” Though they will it with all that is in them, their relationship is not marriage. It is, in fact, a thing that will destroy their souls if they insist on it. (Romans 1:24-32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10) The “wedding” that takes place is a celebration of something that deeply offends our God. In a very real way, it is a worship service for a god of our own invention. How can we join such a God-dishonouring event?

We should not expect a gay family member or friend to understand these realities. From their perspective, our refusal to attend will be interpreted as a rejection of them. At some level, that feeling is inevitable. From their point of view, we are skipping out on a life-defining event. That is why it is important to communicate your love for them when you let them know that you are unable to attend. It is also important to remember that God is absolutely capable of rebuilding this relationship and will honour your decision.

4

HOW CAN I START A CONVERSATION WITH A FRIEND WHO I BELIEVE MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH HOMOSEXUAL FEELINGS?

Submitted by “Carl,” someone who ministers near a major metropolitan area, husband and father.

What might be good for one family will not work for another. One needs to make decisions slowly, prayerfully and lovingly.

Interesting question. How do you know that your friend is struggling?

If it’s demeanor or just a gut feeling, I (Ron) would just build relationship, be kind and be a gospel friend. I probably wouldn’t ask. The hope is to build a relationship where your friend could be honest and share what is going on within. If he brings it to the friendship, it is much less intrusive than if you pry it out of him.

If he were to tell you that he was struggling with same-sex desire, then I would do four things:

if he is going to be successful in his discipleship.

Consider it an honour to walk with someone with a same-sex struggle.

Know that you are doing good gospel work as you help your friend encounter Jesus.

1. MAKE SURE HE KNOWS HOW MUCH GOD LOVES HIM AND HAS MADE A WAY FORWARD THROUGH CHRIST. Same-sex struggle comes with deep shame. The good news of Jesus is that the cross cleanses us. Make sure your friend knows this.

Submitted by “Ken,” an author and internationally known speaker.

2. MAKE SURE YOUR FRIEND KNOWS THAT YOU DON’T THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT HIM BECAUSE HE HAS SHARED THIS. The truth is we all have our ‘stuff’ that needs God’s redemption.

You don’t need to add to his shame by acting shocked or disgusted.

3. HELP YOUR FRIEND FIND HELP. Ministries like restoredhopenetwork.com offer excellent resources and ministries that can help your friend navigate his same-sex desire.

4. MAKE SURE YOUR FRIEND FINDS A PLACE TO CONNECT IN YOUR CHURCH. He needs healthy community.

Encourage him to find it. He might be afraid, but he needs this community

5

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS IN A SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIP. SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO RECEIVE JESUS. CAN SHE TRULY ACCEPT JESUS WHILE SHE IS STILL LIVING THIS WAY?

An old hymn, often sung as the preacher pleads with people to come forward and pray the “Sinners Prayer,” intones, “Just as I am without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me, and that thou bidst me come to thee. O Lamb of God I come.” We all come to the foot of the cross just as we are. For some of us, the sin in our lives is buried deep below a surface appearance of moral uprightness and apparent success. For others, it’s blazoned on our chest like a scarlet A. But we all come sinful to the Cross.

Though we might sin in different ways, we all come to the Cross for the same reason. We have heard the Gospel and believed it. We have seen our sin and want it no more. We have felt some trace of God’s wrath and know we could never bear it. We have understood that Jesus, the perfect lamb, felt that wrath for us. And we now know, “He died for me. I will live for Him.”

Can someone who is in a samesex relationship be saved? Absolutely.

However, that person will absolutely respond in obedience. She will understand that receiving Jesus as Savior means receiving Him as Lord.

True salvation is always accompanied by a transformed allegiance. Apart from that total surrender, we have no hope of true salvation.

/ ADAM T. BARR is the lead pastor of Peace Church near Grand Rapids, MI. He’s been married for more than 16 years, has four sons, and is the co-author of Compassion Without Compromise: How the Gospel Frees Us to Love Our Gay Friends Without Losing the Truth (Bethany House).

You can connect with him on Twitter and at adamtbarr.com. / RON CITLAU is the lead pastor of Calvary Church near Chicago. He is married with four boys and the co-author of Compassion Without Compromise: How the Gospel Frees Us to Love Our Gay Friends Without Losing the Truth (Bethany House). You can connect with him on Twitter.

This article was adapted from a section of Compassion Without Compromise: How the Gospel Frees Us to Love Our Gay Friends Without Losing The Truth (Bethany House Publishing, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2014), and is used with permission.

For more resources, visit www.bakerpublishinggroup.com.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 19

FEATURE

RESPONDING TO LUST, CONFRONTING SHAME A BETTER NARRATIVE FOR HOW THE CHURCH TALKS ABOUT SEX

BY TIMOTHY KEENER

20 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

S

adly, Christian leaders are still falling prey to lust and the Church is drawn into their anguish.

Some, like Tullian Tchividjian— grandson of famed Billy Graham, and pastor at former D. James Kennedy’s Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church— are like rising stars that seem to fall abruptly out of the sky.

Others might be featured less prominently in the media, but their anguish is felt deeply in their immediate community, like the suicide of John Gibson, loved pastor and seminary professor, who secretly battled sexual addiction and depression. Dr. Gibson took his

life only days after hackers exposed millions of users from the site AshleyMadison.com, among which was his own name.

Anguish and death are the only proper words to use. Death and anguish are the inevitable fallouts of lust—for those struggling with lust, for those directly affected by their behaviours, and for the broader body of Christ. As a pastor, I have seen this anguish in all its forms: broken trust, failed covenants, captives to pornography, as well as unplanned pregnancies and those struggling with past sexual abuse and coercion.

As members of one body we grieve and suffer the consequences together.

leadership. The high incidence of pornography use, sex addiction, adultery, and sexual abuse may be one of the biggest challenges facing the Church today. Yet, we still have a seemingly underdeveloped capacity in responding to it and restoring those who have fallen into sexual sin.

A BETTER NARRATIVE Sociologist Rodney Starke, drew the following conclusion about the early Church’s beliefs and practices: “Christianity did not grow because of miracle working in the marketplaces (although there may have been much of that going on), or because Constantine said it should, or even because the martyrs gave it such credibility. It grew because Christians constituted an intense community… [The] Central doctrines of Christianity prompted and sustained attractive, liberating, and effective social relations and organizations.” (The Rise of Christianity, 208, 211, emphasis added.)

OLD PROBLEM, NEW CHALLENGES Many of us are familiar with the words from Psalm 51, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” We may be so familiar with these words that we ignore their greater context—a penitent leader after a tremendous moral fall. David’s broken heart and cry for forgiveness resonates with many in the Church dealing with lust. I’ve heard these expressions from young people, married professionals, single adults and even pastors and missionaries.

Lust is certainly not new, but it has found new life in dramatic social shifts, technological advances, and the pride and power of modern

Is the reverse also true? If our belief and social structures become unattractive, encumbered, and ineffective, will the Church continue to shrink in the face of rising secularism?

I’ve noticed that talking about sex today seems a good bit easier outside the Church than within.

Conversations with teens about gender and sexuality are fluid and uninhibited. I cannot help but notice that their conception of sex is more normalized and that the conversation within our four walls is awkward and unperfected. Only in the last several years has the Church started to talk plainly about pornography, for

IF WE TRULY WANT TO CHALLENGE THE NARRATIVE OF POPULAR CULTURE AROUND SEX, WE NEED TO IMAGINE A BETTER NARRATIVE TO SUSTAIN OUR BELIEFS ABOUT SEX, SEXUALITY, AND INTIMACY. example. Few churches can express a cohesive “theology” of sexuality and intimacy, and most of us are reluctant to confess sexual sin and receive help in the Church.

I once heard a psychiatrist say that the Church communicates about sex with “negative, excluding messages, and with ugly websites and poor arguments.”

Essentially, the Church is struggling to remain credible and cast an inspiring vision around sex. If we truly want to challenge the narrative of popular culture around sex, we need to imagine a better narrative to sustain our beliefs about sex, sexuality, and intimacy.

PROMOTING SEX “If we want to know what’s most sacred in this world, all we need do is look for what is most violently profaned.” (Christopher West, Theology of the Body for Beginners) We stood in that supermarket a good while looking at cheap toys that I knew would let my son down.

Then, I let my son experience buying something with his own money that

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 21

was sure to disappoint. It broke only a few hours later. It is frustrating and depressing to be sold on false advertising, especially when you don’t know any better.

The particular lie in the way sex is sold today is this—sex is primarily about fulfilling my desire. One Catholic theologian put it this way: “All particular temptations are expressions of this one original or ‘primordial’ temptation. It is the temptation to believe that the fulfillment of the desires of the human heart depends entirely on us.”

Pornography, in particular, reduces sex down to arousal and pleasure.

Hooking up and casual sex without commitments are now mainstream and lifelong commitments of marriage are in great decline. One of the most amazing gifts the Church has to offer today is this—the good news that our deepest desires and fulfillment will actually come from the selflessness of others and by the grace of God. This includes our sexual desires and longing for intimacy.

Today we’re living with the cultural conclusion that it is easier to drop marriage but keep sex. Sex is used as a shortcut to intimacy and fulfillment of desire without a longterm commitment to another person.

It’s a terribly truncated perspective.

If the Church is going to succeed in casting a more convincing vision of sex, we will have to move beyond our messaging of just abstaining from sex, to actually promoting sex as a vital part of life and even spirituality.

I’m convinced that sex is a sort of ‘bounded’ good, in the sense that is experienced most fully in the context of marriage. At the same time, marriage is not the only intersection of sex in the Church. Sexual desires, not to mention the way we understand

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SHAME CAN SUBTLY MOVE US FROM WHAT WE’VE DONE TO WHO WE ARE. BY SHAPING OUR IDENTITY AROUND WHAT WE’VE DONE, IT KEEPS US IN AN ENDLESS LOOP OF DISHONOUR. and think about sex, intersect at many other points in peoples’ lives. We actually need a “boundless” theology of sex that engages these intersections positively and pastorally.

It is often said that the best way to manage weeds in the garden is to grow good things where weeds might otherwise grow. The Church’s work is similar. We need to combat an inadequate understanding of sex by filling that space with a fuller, more robust celebration of it. This means intentionally planting conversations about sex where needed—among young adults and married couples, but also among singles, divorced, or widowed.

We all desire sex and intimacy.

This is simply the way we are made.

It is actually a taste of God himself, a taste of full communion and intimate understanding without selfishness.

The world profanes it, and we must win in back in all its fullness.

CONFRONTING SHAME A seasoned pastor recently told me, “I hardly remember the last time I married a couple who was not already living together or sleeping together.”

This is the reality of the world today, but it is also an opportunity. Each couple that comes to us to be joined in marriage is an opportunity for pastoral care and guidance. This often includes the task of unpacking and confronting shame that has accumulated around their sexual journey.

Shame is an amazingly powerful thing. It doesn’t deny goodness or righteousness. It actually points to them. But, once we have fallen, we often hear: “You see what you did!

This is who you are now.” Thankfully, this is only partially true—Yes, you did fail, yes you are responsible, but poor moral choices can be confessed and forgiven.

Shame can subtly move us from

and repentance (literally to change one’s mind in Greek) in order to experience grace and hope. Without this, the shame piles up and we do not see ourselves as God sees us, or even how the Church should see us—imperfect coworkers in God’s story of redeeming and restoring the world around us.

CULTIVATING HOPE THROUGH REPENTANCE

what we’ve done to who we are. By shaping our identity around what we’ve done, it keeps us in an endless loop of dishonour. Just think about your own temptations and failures.

Is it easy to move beyond them? Isn’t it easier to look backward with fear, than to look forward with hope?

I once asked someone how they imagined God felt about them in a particular moment of temptation.

They imagined that He was disappointed, maybe even disgusted.

It didn’t seem nearly as obvious that God might have felt compassion on them and recognized their deep longing for companionship and intimacy. God grieves sin with us, but He does not grieve our being or our identity. He calls us to place our identity in Him. I’m told that shame originally meant something about “covering one’s self.” Adam and Eve felt shame, covered themselves, and hid from God. Our sin carries consequences, but nothing is graver than believing the lie that God no longer loves you or desires what’s best for you.

Shame has a grip on the Church that we must loosen.

So how do we move forward in hope? We must confront every instance of shame with confession

The reality is that many in the Church today are struggling with lust at some level. But, lust is nocturnal—it lives in the dark. By promoting a positive theology of sex, and by confronting shame, we are going into the dark places and shining light. But, the determining factor in how well the Church can deal with lust is its capacity to do confession and repentance well.

Confession and repentance are some of those things that we only do well if we practice. Unfortunately, some of our Christian communities are in need of some exercise and conditioning! David’s confession and repentant heart in Psalm 51 give us a great program to follow. We glean six core principles for confronting lust and processing it well.

1. We need to assure one another that God’s nature is merciful and that he is willing to forgive when we seek Him in confession.

(Verses 1-5) 2. True confession is painfully honest. It does not seek to hide or minimize our actions. It recognizes truth for truth and exposes deceit and fallacy.

(Verses 6-9) 3. Repentance (change) is an inner work of transformation. Only the Holy Spirit can really change our thoughts and inner self, including freeing us from shame and giving us hope beyond our failures.

(Verses 10-12)

4. By God’s grace we experience freedom from sin, but there are often inevitable consequences that we may have to live with.

In some cases there may even be remediation necessary if our sin has truly harmed another.

(Verses 13-14) 5. Helping reestablish those who confess and seek repentance is not an infrequent or undesirable function of the Church, its one of our primary and privileged tasks.

(Verses 15-17) 6. We cannot forget that there is a connection between an individual’s character formation and the larger community. This means that by doing confession and repentance well, we are ultimately promoting wider social well being.

Dealing with lust and sexual sin might not seem like the next obvious choice for a sermon series or home group Bible study. Yet, it does present a serious opportunity for the Church.

It allows us to meditate on the nature of sex and intimacy. It allows us to assess our capacity to participate with God in restoring others. And, it allows us to pastor others toward healthier patterns of confession and repentance.

It involves grief and anguish at times. But if we do it well, we will challenge the mainstream narrative around sex that falls so short and cast a truly attractive, liberating, and effective vision for others in the name of Christ and His Church.

/ TIM KEENER is a pastor with the Evangelical Covenant Church of Canada. He lives with his wife and four children in Montreal, Quebec, and has also lived and worked in the United States and France. Tim and his wife love to cook together and host others around their table.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 23

FEATURE

STAY THE COURSE TIPS FOR KEEPING ON THE PATH TO RECOVERY Q & A WITH NATE LARKIN

Whether it’s pornography, illicit sexual conduct, or simply a lustful eye that can’t be held in check, sex addiction is a dark reality for many in today’s world. But where there’s darkness, there can also be light. Thankfully, many recovery groups and programs exist for those looking to overcome their addictions, and many have found success in making the first step into a lust-free lifestyle.

But addiction recovery isn’t a band-aid solution or miracle diet—it’s a lifelong process, one that requires ongoing work and attention. Without that effort, it’s all too easy to fall back into harmful patterns of unhealthy thoughts and behaviour.

What lies at the heart of addiction? What can be done to ensure that we’re treating the disease itself, and not merely the symptoms? For some insight, we turned to Nate Larkin, a Tennesse-based speaker and author who sheds some light on how men of faith can get to the root of the issue, and keep on the healthy path to restored and redeemed life.

DESCRIBE YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE SUBJECT OF ADDICTION AND RECOVERY. [Personally,] my experience is basically 20 years of secret sexual behaviour. It really took root for me during my seminary years, when I was exposed, for the first time, to hardcore pornography. My inability to overcome that behaviour led me, after only five years of pastoral ministry, to quit the ministry in despair, certain that I was eventually going to get caught—the loss of my reputation was

24 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

the worst thing that I could imagine.

It was another dozen years after that before my wife…confronted me.

It was in a desperate attempt to save my marriage, the only solid friendship that I really had, that led me, finally, to enter a room where people were telling the truth to each other. Turned out it was mostly Christians in that room, and it was during my journey of recovery that I really, I think for the first time, encountered the gospel.

Even though I’ve been in recovery now for 17 years, I still call myself a

recovering sex addict. And I do that as a daily reminder to myself that I have so abused lust and it has so consumed me that I’ve lost all power to control and enjoy it.

I no longer feel guilty about being an addict—I believe that is a sickness caused by sin. And I’m grateful that there is a treatment [for it] in the gospel, and in the fellowship of believers.

I’ve had slips during those years, that remind me how powerless I am over lust. This freedom I have is

It’s frightening to look into our hearts and see what we actually are capable of and admit the things that we’ve done. fragile—and I have to respect it, and guard it, and protect it, and remember that I can’t walk in my own strength.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PART OF RECOVERY? (IE. IS THERE ANY ONE STAGE IN THE JOURNEY THAT STANDS OUT AS ‘MOST DIFFICULT’?)

I think there are two major turning points…the first step is by far and away the most difficult—it’s the one that we will resist until the very end.

It feels like dying to admit that there is something bigger than me, that I am never going to be able to control, and it has made my life unmanageable.

We all want to think that we can do this on our own, that we don’t need the help of God or other people, and if we just try harder and do better that next time we’ll win—and that’s a delusion I think the enemy of our

souls encourages. He wants to keep us in that game as long as he possibly can.

And then, the [next] turning point, for almost everybody I know who has really found quality sobriety…they’ll talk about . . . what the 12-steppers call the fourth step, which is “fearless moral inventory.” It’s this process of self-examination and confession, where we actually face all of our defects—and I think we can only do that when the fear of punishment is gone. I don’t know how anybody does this who doesn’t know or trust the love of God. Because it’s frightening to look into our hearts and see what we actually are capable of and admit the things that we’ve done. And not just what we’ve done, but what drove us to do it.

I thought my biggest problem was my sexual behaviour…my first sponsor told me that my biggest problem

was that I thought sex was my problem. He said, “Sex is your favourite solution—it’s the medication you’ve been using to dull the pain caused by your deeper problems.”

I wanted to repent of my behaviour and nothing else. If all you do is stop that behaviour, and there’s nothing else that changes, you’ll be even more miserable than you are today. And I do know folks who’ve managed to ‘white-knuckle’ it for at least a few months, or maybe even a few years . . . into what they call sobriety, which is really just abstinence. And they can become, what the alcoholics call, a ‘dry drunk,’ where all the underlying character defects remain in place, they are miserable and miserable to be around. But, they tend also to carry an air of superiority because they believe they’ve actually defeated sin, and if they can do it, everybody else can and should. They’re blind to their real sin, because they’ve categorized sin in such a narrow spectrum. They don’t see how they’re sinning, just because they’re not sinning in sexual ways.

WHAT’S YOUR APPROACH WITH LIVING IN A WORLD THAT, QUITE FRANKLY, DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE WHAT WE MIGHT BE DEALING WITH IN TERMS OF RECOVERY? It’s not easy in this very highly sexualized culture that we live in.

There are certain things that I have to do because of my vulnerability, because of my weaknesses. There are movies that I just choose not to see… but still, there will be a temptation for me to pursue lust tomorrow at the airport, in the mall. Heck, in church!

We addicts are great forgetters which is why we need to be around each other, to remind each other of how crucially important all this is. I need to set myself in the morning to love rather than lust, to see people rather than bodies, to pray so that I don’t objectify people.

Tomorrow will be an opportunity

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 25

for me as I travel to love and intercede for and care for and have compassion for the people I’m around, and to see them as people, even if I don’t know their names or their stories. Or, I can choose just to see bodies, and I can use them without their permission, and impoverish my own life and deaden my own heart.

Breaking the habit of pursuing lust is not an easy thing to do, and I have not mastered it. I’m certainly no ninja when it comes to recovery.

ARE THERE CERTAIN BOUNDARIES THAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER TO BE ‘FOREVER OFF LIMITS’?

Well for me they are. I have friends that really have the freedom, I think, to engage people . . . in clubs, for example. I can’t go there. I can engage people in bars, but not clubs.

I’m not saying retreat from the world, because if we do that we lose our influence.

But at the same time, a very large percentage of my friends… are not Christians…and we get to be an influence. But I also make no secret, in church or out of church, that I am a sex addict. That kind of authenticity . . . it makes a few people uncomfortable, but with most people, I think they can be genuine around me. So it helps us have a far more real relationship than back in the day when I was the pastor, squeaky clean, bright and shiny, when people really behaved themselves around me and didn’t tell me the truth.

AT WHAT POINT DID YOU FIGURE THAT IT WAS A SAFER TIME/PLACE FOR YOU TO GO TO THOSE PLACES THAT PREVIOUSLY YOU WOULDN’T HAVE? Once we begin to develop new neural pathways, once that chemical balance in the brain gets straightened out a little bit, when we haven’t been using for an extended length of time, then we’re not as vulnerable. We can get a little closer to the guardrail.

26 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

If I will concentrate on loving, and not just on not lusting, life gets richer.

But still, we better have guardrails in place, so that we don’t get so cocky that we just dance along the edge because any one of us, at any time, is at risk of going back over.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ARE SOME HELPFUL GUIDELINES OR PRINCIPLES FOR GUYS WHO ARE PARTWAY DOWN THIS JOURNEY OF RECOVERY, WHO ARE MAYBE PAST THAT INITIAL THRESHOLD? WHAT ARE SOME TIPS FOR KEEPING ON TRACK? First of all, resist the temptation to do it alone. Really, this is something we can only do together. Pride is always whittling me towards selfsufficiency. It’s the grace of God, and the gravitational pull of addiction that reminds me how badly I need to hang onto other people.

Pay attention to positive sobriety and not just negative sobriety—this is not about not doing something.

This is a perennial balancing act, and I never stay in balance for very long; I’m always off to one side or the other. But I do know that God created us as embodied spirits in our physical health, which relates to our spiritual

health and vice versa. We need to take care of ourselves physically. If we are in a weak physical state, we are more vulnerable to temptation and self-destructive behaviours. If I will concentrate on loving, and not just on not lusting, life gets richer.

And light drives out darkness. When it comes to the things that I choose to read and see, it is true that it’s garbage in, garbage out. If I’ll keep good books on my nightstand, or in my backpack, and I’ll spend some time, every day, in prayer and mediation and keep up my journaling, even if it’s only for 15 or 20 minutes a day, it’s that positive growth that enriches life, and now I’m not just focused on not doing something.

And don’t keep secrets. When you slip, don’t hide it. Find a safe person and resist the temptation to go back into the shadows.

/ NATE LARKIN is a popular speaker and the author of Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood. He and his wife Allie reside in Tennessee.

FEATURE

GETTING A RESET BUTTON IN THE BEDROOM TIPS FOR A FRESH START

BY SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE

SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER 2015 SEVEN 27

I

wish someone would sell a big reset button that we could use in the bedroom.

Many of us could really use one. We’ve developed some bad habits, sex has become blah, and now we’re not sure how to find passion again—if the passion was ever there in the first place.

Maybe when you were first married, she didn’t experience a lot of fireworks, but she insisted it was no big deal. You

that we can experience real passion?

TALK THROUGH YOUR RESET If sex isn’t frequent in your marriage because her libido is lower than yours, talking about how you need more sex is likely to backfire. To the low-libido spouse, it makes you sound needy—like she has more self-control and maturity than you have.

Instead, frame the conversation about passion, something you both need, like this: “I love being intimate with you, but I feel like we’re missing something. I want it to be stupendous. I feel like it’s been rushed, and while I love being with you, I don’t want to settle for good or okay. I want great—for both of us! Can we try to ‘create great’ together?”

PRAY THROUGH YOUR RESET If many of your issues are rooted in baggage—whether it’s baggage from past relationships or baggage from porn use— confess what you need to before God, and then ask Him to give you both His view of sex now: that it is sacred, and beautiful, and only for the two of you.

MAKE YOUR RESET VISIBLE

HOW DO WE FIND THAT RESET BUTTON SO THAT WE CAN EXPERIENCE REAL PASSION?

never really worked out how to make her feel great, so now sex seems like a duty for her, and something you feel guilty asking for.

Or perhaps you both crossed some lines early in your marriage, using pornography or sex toys that have tainted sex. You wonder how to get back that pure excitement for just each other.

Or maybe sex has just become routine.

It’s always in the same position, with the lights off, for exactly nine and a half minutes. You’re sure there should be something more!

So how do we find that reset button so

28 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

If the reset is necessary because of hurtful patterns from the past, it may be helpful to have a “physical reset.” Buy different bedding. Change the position of the bed in your bedroom. Buy new candles or new pillows. Visibly announce, “We are starting fresh.”

EXPLORE EACH OTHER ANEW Usually the problem when a reset is required is either sex has become purely physical—where there isn’t a sense of spiritual or emotional intimacy—or you’ve been rushing through sex and there isn’t enough foreplay. Here’s an exercise to help with both!

Have her lie still, naked, for fifteen minutes as you explore her body. Why? You’ll learn what she actually likes.

(Many men have never figured this out, but many women don’t even know

either!) You’ll reassure her that she can feel real pleasure, and you’ll get over the pressure to “just get to the main event.”

Then, switch roles the next night. It’s actually more intimate to explore each other for a prolonged time than just to have intercourse.

If you’ve experienced some serious problems, like sin issues that need forgiveness, abuse issues that need healing, or physical issues that have made sex painful, consider committing to each other that you will spend a week (or more) just getting to know each other’s bodies like this, and you won’t actually make love. This doesn’t mean you can’t climax; but it means that you do it in different ways.

Not having intercourse may sound like a stretch, yet even though you both may initially agree that you want a reset, it’s all too easy to fall into old patterns. By saying, “we won’t have sex, but we will explore,” you dedicate yourself to more foreplay while making a definitive break with the past.

PLAY TEACHER Here’s another chance to turn up the heat and really learn about each other! One night let her be the teacher, and you the student. She can order you around and show you how to make her feel good.

The next night, swap roles. When we tell ourselves, “I’m the teacher now,” it gives us more confidence to be up front about what feels good. Often women, especially, are embarrassed to state their preferences out loud. This gives your wife that chance!

HAVE “HIS” AND “HERS” NIGHTS Maybe there’s something in the bedroom that you like, but she’s not a big fan. Or maybe there’s something she’d like to do more of while you’re content with letting that pass. Deciding that one night a month is “his” night and one night is “her” night lets both of you feel like your desires are being taken into account.

Even write down different things you’d

like to try—maybe it’s a new position, or maybe she’d like to start with a 25 minute back massage! Then on “her” night you draw her piece of paper, and on “his” nights she draws yours.

And the other nights of the month?

They’re for both of you, where you do things you both always enjoy.

REMEMBER THE PIZZA PRINCIPLE Spicing things up is important.

Finding more passion keeps our marriages fresh, but also helps us to tap into that secret part of ourselves that is the most intimate. And because that deep part of ourselves is also connected with our spiritual selves, as couples grow closer sexually they also tend to grow closer to God. Yet passion is not primarily about what we do in bed—it’s about the dedication and commitment we feel towards each other. So let’s never forget that the real recipe for passion is to chase after each other and fall madly in love with each other— not to become a gymnast in the bedroom. When we focus only on the physical, it’s easy to lose the capacity that sex has for making us feel truly intimate—one flesh. And it’s that intimacy that makes the physical feel better anyway!

Finally, in the words of a friend of mine, remember the pizza principle: “Sex is a lot like pizza. When it’s good, it’s very, very good. And when it’s not so good, it’s still pretty good.”

Even if the physical side of sex isn’t always stupendous, when you love each other and laugh together, it will still always be pretty good.

31 DAYS TO GREAT SEX! Want more help with your reset? Check out Sheila’s book 31 Days to Great Sex. Learn to flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up—but especially, learn to talk about sex together!

/ SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE is a syndicated columnist, popular blogger and speaker, and awardwinning author. Sheila blogs primarily about sex and marriage at: ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 29

SPORTS SCENE

30 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

NOT AN EASY TIME FOR ELLIS, BUT FAITH IS HIS ROCK

SEEKING THE CONSTANTS AMID THE UPS AND DOWNS

BY SCOTT TAYLOR

F

or goaltender Dan Ellis, life in the National Hockey League has always been a challenge.

But he’s likely to admit that it’s never been as challenging as it is right now.

Then again, the 35-year-old veteran from Saskatoon has a close friend in his corner.

After signing a one-year, twoway contract with the Washington Capitals, Ellis now finds himself in Hershey, Pennsylvania, playing for the Caps’ American Hockey League affiliate, the Hershey Bears.

Currently, he’s Hershey’s number one goalie and recently won his first start of the season.

Still, for a guy who loves hockey like Ellis, at 35, he can see the end of his career out in front of him. It’s not something that worries him, but he admits that one day, he’s going to miss the game.

“I’ve played this game most of my life,” he told capitals.nhl.com. “I have no desire to see my career end, but it always comes to an end for everybody.

I’ll play as long as I can. God gave me

a gift and I will honour that gift for as long as I’m allowed.”

Ellis is an interesting study. Many Christian athletes have grown up around God. Ellis came to the Lord much later than most.

“I started to skate probably at the age of three,” said Ellis during a recent TV interview. “My dad was the head of the minor hockey association so I always had the pick of the litter for goaltending equipment. We won the championship three or four years in a row, and so we had a great squad.”

The success he had in hockey filled a hole in his life, but while the rink was friendly and safe, and hockey made him happy, his home life was almost unbearable.

“There was a lot of fighting with my parents,” he says. “In the midst of it, you do go through a great amount of hurt. You’re not sure why it’s happening. There was a lot of hurt back and forth, and my brother and I were in the middle of it.”

When Dan was 11, his parents finally divorced. As he became a teenager, his life started to spin out of control.

“When I was in high school, I kind of hung out with the wrong crowd, and I got into drugs every other weekend pretty much,” he admits.

“Shortly after that…things started to slide. Obviously, the drugs and alcohol were having an effect on me in a number of areas in my life.”

But as Dan’s life was falling apart, things at home were getting much better. Dan’s father had turned his life over to Jesus Christ and saw that Dan was confused and heading down the

wrong path. So his dad sent young Dan to Mel Stevens’ Christian hockey camp.

It was a decision that changed Dan’s life.

“You would get up, go to breakfast, then you would go to the rink,” Ellis says. “Then you would have a short little Bible study with your camp leader. I would try to find Scripture verses that would help me in hockey, and that’s what created my awareness of it and made me gravitate towards Christ and as my questions were answered, I got deeper with my personal issues, with my parents and with my daily life.”

Dan eventually gave up drugs and left his old crowd behind. He committed himself to Jesus, was baptized and his life—both on and off the ice—quickly turned around.

In 2000, the Dallas Stars selected Dan in the NHL Entry Draft. He made his NHL debut in 2004 and for a brief time was one of the top goaltenders in the NHL with the Nashville Predators.

Still, throughout his hockey career, Ellis has faced his share of trials and tribulations. These days, by agreeing to be Washington’s number three goaltender and by accepting a demotion to the AHL, he’s just trying to extend his career.

However, by remaining focused on the Lord he has maintained the source of his strength.

“God is my anchor,” Ellis admitted.

“He’s the one you can hang on to with everything. He’s the only constant. With everything in life that changes and all the ups and downs, it’s nice to be able to hang onto one rock that’s not going to move. It’s just neat to have someone who cares about you that much and who will help you in every situation.

“I just go out and play as hard as I can. I know God will take care of the rest.”

/ SCOTT TAYLOR is a Winnipeg-based sportswriter and broadcaster.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 31

THE SINGLE LIFE

YOU DON’T NEED SEX

TRUE FULFILLMENT COMES FROM CHRIST ALONE

BY PAUL H. BOGE

R

We live in a world that has elevated the role of sex to an unhealthy standard.

32 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

eally. You don’t.

Somewhere, somehow along the lines we have been convinced that men are hardwired for sex. That men have to have sex. That men can’t live without sex.

If that were really the case, then why didn’t God command everyone to get married?

Sex is a gift that God created for marriage. And only marriage.

The challenge comes when singles think they are missing out by not having something their married counterparts have.

But are we?

If His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by his own glory and goodness (2 Peter 1:3), how can we be missing out on anything?

God is telling us in this verse that He has given us everything we need.

So we do not need sex. If we did, God would have said so.

We live in a world that has elevated the role of sex to an unhealthy standard. It is progressively pulling sex further and further away from the biblical definition of being between a husband and wife only. It takes a careful study of Scripture, and the life of the Holy Spirit in us, to recognize that as singles, sex needs to take its rightful place out of our lives.

So what is a single man to do when confronted with sex outside of its

God-centered purpose?

Like all questions, we find our answers in Jesus.

Colossians 2:10 tell us: “And you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.”

We find our fulfillment in Christ.

Not in a job, not in an accomplishment, not in entertainment, and not in the big three of money, sex or power.

Sex outside of marriage is a false attempt at meeting a need that only God can meet.

Have you failed in the past? Be encouraged in Isaiah 45:22 with God’s words: “Turn to me and be saved, all you ends of the earth; for I am God, and there is no other.”

God cleanses a repentant heart, and removes sins as far as the east is from the west. Let others bring up your past sins. God never will. Accept His forgiveness and walk in His light, in His truth, and in the unending power of His resurrection. Yesterday is just that. Today is a new day.

As the songwriter puts it: Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face. And the things of this world will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

With our eyes on Christ we will stay encourage in our walk to know that He is all we need.

/ PAUL H. BOGE is single and lives in Winnipeg. He is an author, filmmaker and works as an engineer. Paul@paulboge.com.

OUT OF MY DEPTH

SPEED LIMIT SEX

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD . . .

PHIL WAGLER

M

ost guys, particularly those seeking to love God with their bodies and minds, know certain things are crucial to sexual wholeness. Avoid pornography. Watch your eyes—the ultimate paradox.

Don’t place yourself in situations where passion can trump conviction.

All these, and more, we know. And, all these, are easily approached as speed limit signs.

Maybe it’s just me, but my sex drive runs deeper than abiding by a few rules. Bear with me while I drive this analogy a bit further. I’ve had the good fortune of not getting a speeding ticket in a while. I say “good fortune” because I have probably just gotten better at picking my spots. I confess I can treat speed limits like general suggestions. Traffic laws don’t stop me from speeding. Sadly, even distantpast fines haven’t really stopped me either; they’ve just made me wiser.

Shoot, I’m starting to feel like Paul, who pined, “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong” (Romans 7:21).

I am a wretched man.

When I blow by a speed limit sign, something deeper in me is at work. I am late because of poor planning. I feel entitled because of my carelessness or laziness. Yeah, that’s hard to admit.

Others should abide by that limit, but me, I’m the one to whom this does not apply. At other times I’m just plain rebellious. I want to be the fast and furious! Who doesn’t? There is risk here—which is part of the adventure.

This desire to risk is a window into how I’m hardwired to live by faith. Dig beneath the surface, however, and I

find that my riskiness can be far less parabolic; it can simply be rebellion.

And, given the amount of time I’ve been able to slip through the radar traps or go just a bit slower than those suckers who got caught, the truth is I’m playing with fire because something in my soul as a driver is not settled.

Now, take the metaphorical offramp with me back to our lives as sexual beings. Sex—as my wife so aptly put it when I told her I was writing a column about sex—is not about sex. It’s about true intimacy. It’s even about idolatry.

Ultimately, sex is about my soul. A lot of guys, myself included at times, can treat sex like we treat speed limits.

We acknowledge the parameters, but believe our risk taking—even if it’s just in our minds—will never catch up to us. But driving is more than driving, and sex is more than sex.

The real question is the gaze of my soul. Jesus said: “Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is.” (Matthew 6:22-23).

He says this in the context of where our treasure is and how we think about money. His point is a crucial spiritual principle: if my eyes are on the wrong thing, my entire being pays the price.

Even worse, if I conclude my eyes are on the right thing—the speed limit sign in our analogy—there’s actually a deep and troubling darkness within, and I am supremely deceived. The

real issue is not whether I’m watching the signs and avoiding trouble, it’s whether I’m focused on God and living in the freedom of Christ!

Guys, you can put up a firewall around your sexuality in order to stay pure—and this can be helpful—but your soul is deeper and more cunning than that. You can maintain fidelity in your marriage or singleness and still be thinking more about sex than true intimacy. How sad if we see our wives as the means to please our sex drive rather than our partner made in God’s image with whom we share the deepest human intimacy possible!

You see, we can obey the speed limits, but if you are not fixing your eyes properly; if first love is unclear, if your soul is not at rest, then you will remain sexually immature and even broken. Our primary gaze cannot be sex—even “moral” sexuality. In the same way gazing upon money—even with the purest ethical investing in mind—can mean mammon still holds sway over your soul, so it is with sex. Our first gaze must be Jesus, the Saviour and Lover of our souls, else we have succumbed to a most dangerous self-deception.

Sex is not about sex; it’s about your soul. Godly sexuality is not rooted in obeying a few speed limit signs. Godly sexuality is first and foremost about God and whether your soul has found its rest in him.

/ PHIL WAGLER serves as Training & Team Health Leader with MB Mission. He lives in Surrey, BC, is married to Jen, and grateful to share with her the joys and challenges of raising six kids.

NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015 SEVEN 33

POWER PLAY

TOYS / TOOLS / TECHNOLOGY FORGING NEW FRONTIERS . . .

BY SANDY MCMURRAY

CONSTRUCTIBLE RIDES

// infentorides.com

Infento launched in September 2015 as a fund-raising project on Kickstarter.com. The goal was to raise $50,000 to create a “constructible rides” kit. Backers responded enthusiastically, and pledged more than $450,000 in one month.

Infento is now producing kits filled with vehicle parts that can be combined, like Lego or Meccano, in various combinations. The company makes three different kits and two add-on packages that can be used to build 18 different ride-on vehicles.

The Junior Kit provides all the parts you need to make several different rides suitable for children. The Master Kit takes this further, with more parts and more plans so you can keep building and rebuilding fun rides even when your kids are teenagers.

Infento is now producing kits filled with vehicle parts that can be combined, like Lego or Meccano, in various combinations.

34 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

GUNPOWDER SPICE

// theotherbrothercompany.com

California Gunpowder spice is a special blend of California grown peppers, Gilroy garlic, and a few secret ingredients. California Gunpowder is made and sold by Other Brother, an organic food company from the Bay Area. It’s also the main ingredient in their California Gunpowder olive oil.

Other Brother says their signature spice is great in soups, salads, on meat, eggs, and in stir-fry. I’m sure that’s true. They seem like straight shooters to me.

UNDER-THE-JACK-PACK

// betabrand.com

Portable computers keep getting lighter, but they still need protection and care when you travel. Laptop bags are great, but there are times when you don’t want to be carrying a little piece of luggage that says, “I’m carrying an expensive computer right now.”

Under-the-Jack-Pack is a slim and discreet laptop sleeve you can wear under your jacket or hoodie. It’s designed for situations where a large bag or backpack isn’t necessary or desirable. Padded shoulder and back straps secure the laptop to your body, leaving your hands free and your valuables out of sight.

Under-the-Jack Pack sells for about $70 and is available in small and large sizes.

BUCKET BOSS

// bucketboss.com

Here’s a genius idea: instead of wrapping a big heavy tool belt around your waist, why not stow everything you need in a big bucket?

Most garages or basements have an empty five-gallon pail hanging around somewhere. Bucket Boss fills that space with a liner that gives you 58 pockets you can fill with useful tools and supplies.

When you’re ready to go, just grab the handle and you’re on your way.

Now why didn’t I think of that?

STAR TREK BLUETOOTH COMMUNICATOR // shop.startrek.com Modern cell phones owe a great debt to the original 1960s Star Trek TV series. Long before the first flip phone, the classic communicator was seen as the ideal handheld device for twoway voice communication.

This authorized replica of the classic communicator is more than a toy or a prop. It’s a fully functional Bluetooth handset you can pair with your smart phone to send and receive phone calls to anywhere in the known universe.

Remember to turn off data roaming before you transport to another planet, or your monthly charges will be out of this world!

This authorized replica of the classic communicator is more than a toy or a prop.

BB-8 DROID

// sphero.com If you have ever dreamed of having your own robot, this is the Droid you’re looking for.

Colorado-based Sphero has built a toy version of BB-8, the Astromech Droid from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. You can control BB-8 with your smart phone or tablet or set it to “autonomous mode” and let it explore. BB-8 also listens and responds to voice commands, and adapts its reactions and attitude to your behaviour.

BB-8 has a top speed of 4.5 mph, a range of 100 feet, and can play for about an hour on one battery charge. It’s iOS and Android compatible (the app is free). BB-8 retails for about $150.

36 SEVEN NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2015

HERO+ BUDGET GOPRO

// gopro.com

HERO+ is a new entry-level GoPro camera designed for those who want high-quality video capture and on-the-go connectivity on a budget. For about $250 HERO+ gives you the same immersive 1080p60 and 720p60 video that made GoPro famous.

Weighing in at just 4.3 ounces, HERO+ is small, lightweight, and ultra-portable.

You can wear it on your clothes or mount it to your gear to capture the moment when you’re enjoying your favourite activities. Whether you’re riding a bike, skydiving, or playing hockey, HERO+ can capture the moment, hands-free, for a fraction of the cost of previous GoPro cameras.

SURFACE BOOK

// microsoft.com/surface

Surface Book might just be the ultimate Windows 10 computer. You can type on it, tap the screen with your finger, or write on the screen using the Surface Pen stylus (included).

On the surface (pun intended), it may look like an Apple laptop, but there’s one important difference: if you snap the keyboard off your MacBook Pro it stops working.

Surface Book turns into a touchscreen tablet when you remove the keyboard. Or maybe it turns into a laptop when you attach the keyboard. Either way, it’s powerful, portable, and (obviously) very flexible.

The Surface Book weighs in at 3.3 pounds (keyboard included) and comes with 128GB of storage and 8GB of memory. The entry-level model sells for $1,949.

IRON GIANT SIGNATURE EDITION

// theirongiantmovie.com

“Wow, my own giant robot! I am now the luckiest kid in America! This must be the biggest discovery since, I don’t know, television or something!”

The Iron Giant (1999) tells the story of a giant robot that falls from space and attracts the attention of a fearful government agent. A boy named Hogarth befriends the metal man and teaches him that he doesn’t have to be a weapon. “You are who you choose to be,” says Hogarth. “Choose!”

The Iron Giant was the feature film debut of director Brad Bird, who went on to direct The Incredibles and Ratatouille for Pixar. The 2015 Signature Edition is a loving restoration of the animated classic that adds two new scenes that were planned but left out of the 1999 original.

/ SANDY MCMURRAY writes about games, toys, and gadgets at funspot.ca.

NEXT ISSUE

Restart.

Revamp.

Refresh.

New year, new you. It’s a trope we’ve come to groan about at the start of each new

calendar cycle, but in 2016, why not try something new? Maybe it’s volunteering. Maybe it’s reaching out to someone you’ve lost touch with. And while you’re at it, why not unwind with a look at the lighter side of New Year’s resolutions? See you next year!

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