Holy Love

Making Good Marriages Even Better

The Seven Promises 1. A Promise Keeper is committed to honouring Jesus Christ through worship, prayer, and obedience to God’s Word in the power of the Spirit.

2. A Promise Keeper is committed to pursuing Christ-centred friendships with a few other men, connecting regularly, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.

3. A Promise Keeper is committed to practicing biblical integrity: spiritually, morally, ethically, and sexually.

4. A Promise Keeper is committed to strengthening families and marriages through love, honour, protection, and biblical values.

5. A Promise Keeper is committed to supporting the mission of his church by honouring and praying for his pastor, and by actively giving his time and resources.

6. A Promise Keeper is committed to reaching beyond racial, social, economic, generational, and denominational barriers to demonstrate the power of biblical unity.

7. A Promise Keeper is committed to influencing the world by his fervent love for God while loving his neighbour, seeking justice for the poor and oppressed, and making disciples of Jesus Christ.

Contents SECTION 1 YOUR FIRST LOVE by Francis and Lisa Chan While we cannot allow lesser things to destroy our marriages, we also cannot allow marriages to distract us from greater things. God asks us to pursue Him first and foremost. Then life makes sense, and everything falls into its proper place.

The way to have a great marriage is by not focusing on marriage.

3 Devotion 1 4 Devotion 2 5 Devotion 3 6 Devotion 4 7 Devotion 5 8 Devotion 6 10 Resources

Picture God Fear God Stare at God Protect Your Marriage Study God’s Word Worship God, Not Marriage

SECTION 2 MARRIAGE FUNDAMENTALS by Lauren and Tony Dungy Rather than looking to the world for wisdom on building a strong marriage, Tony and Lauren chose to listen to God. That one decision has enabled them to endure—and even thrive—through the best and worst times. Over the thirtyplus years of their marriage, Tony and Lauren have been thankful for biblical principles that are both unchanging and unassailable.

11 Devotion 7 14 Devotion 8 16 Devotion 9 18 Devotion 10 20 Devotion 11 22 Devotion 12 24 Resources

At the Center Loving Your In-Laws For God So Loved…

Caught in the Middle The One Thing You Can Control Voluntary Submission

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SECTION 3 THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO LISTENING by Amie and Darrin Patrick Listening communicates a desire for partnership, where both husband and wife are known and are committed to each other’s well-being above his or her own.

Our desire should be to, verbally and nonverbally, say to our spouse, “You are worth hearing.”

25 Devotion 13 27 Devotion 14 28 Devotion 15 29 Devotion 16 31 Devotion 17 32 Devotion 18 33 Resources

The Power of the Tongue Why Do Wives Stop Talking?

Why Do Wives Stop Talking? Con’t What Can Husbands Do To Communicate Listening?

Truths That Lead To Listening Good Questions

SECTION 4 HOLY LOVE by Jeff Stearns Loving your spouse, and putting them first, sounds simple—in the beginning. As time goes by, the stresses of life buffet against us, and personalities come in conflict, it can become a challenge to live sacrificially. Only with God’s help can we truly love with a holy love.

34 Devotion 19 35 Devotion 20 36 Devotion 21 38 Devotion 22 39 Devotion 23 40 Devotion 24 42 Resources

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Selfless Marriages The Risk of Resentment The Risk of Contempt The Risk of Indifference Motivated by Jesus Jesus Our Example

SECTION 1 YOUR FIRST LOVE

DEVOTION 1

by Francis and Lisa Chan

PICTURE GOD

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his may come as a shock, but Jesus taught that marriages on earth don’t carry over into heaven. In Matthew 22, Jesus was asked about a hypothetical widow

who continues to remarry. The religious leaders of the day were asking Jesus which husband this woman would be married to in heaven. Jesus answered:

“… in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” MAT THEW 22 : 30 Maybe Jesus’ statement is hard for you to accept. (Hopefully you’re not rejecting…)

For me, it’s hard to imagine the day when Lisa and I will no longer be married, but two thoughts bring me comfort. First, this doesn’t mean that Lisa and I won’t be deeply in love with each other in heaven. My guess is that I will be even closer to Lisa when we exist in glorified bodies absent of sin. Things must be different in order to be better. Second, I will have a union with God which is guaranteed to be better than any earthly closeness I might be experiencing now. I trust the God who created marriage when He promises a better future.

We all need to prioritize our eternal relationship with our Creator above all things. Besides, until you relate properly to God, you won’t be much help to anyone else. People who aren’t living well make matters worse by living together.

When two people are right with Him, they will be right with each other. As a pastor for over 20 years, I have come to the conclusion that most marriage problems are not really marriage problems. They are God problems. They can be traced back to one or both people having a poor relationship with God or a faulty understanding of Him. An accurate picture of God is vital to a healthy marriage.

It’s vital to everything. As A. W. Tozer put it, “All the problems of heaven and earth, though they were to confront us together and at once, would be nothing compared with that overwhelming problem of God: That He is; what He is like; and what we as moral beings must do about Him.” (A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy (San Francisco: Harper-San Francisco, 1992), 3.)

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DEVOTION 2

Your First Love SECTION 1

FEAR GOD

I

’m guessing those are two words you didn’t expect to read in a marriage book.

But nothing could be more foundational for marriage. Without a healthy fear

of God, we will not fully enjoy life and love. Without it, our priorities will be completely off. Yet if a healthy fear of God is at the foundation of who we are, a beautiful life and marriage can be built upon this.

The LORD takes pleasure in those who fear Him. (Psalm 147 : 11) “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” (Matthew 10 : 28) Most people underestimate how terrifying it will be to see God. Hands down, it will be the most shocking moment of your existence. And we can’t ignore the fact that we could see Him at any moment. What do you think you will feel when you

see Him? I can pretty much guarantee you won’t be thinking about your family.

While there’s no way to know exactly how we will feel, Scripture contains stories of how other people responded when they caught a glimpse of Him. There was John, who collapsed like a corpse (Rev. 1 : 17). There was Isaiah, who cursed himself and declared his own sinfulness (Is. 6 : 5). There was Job, who immediately saw his own foolishness and said: “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42 : 5–6) Each response differs, yet all are characterized by fear and awe. It would be foolish to think it will be any different for us.

Oddly, I meet very few people who think about that moment. Is it because we don’t really believe it’s going to happen? We think about upcoming vacations and imagine how much fun we will have. We think about upcoming trials and worry about how difficult they will be. Why don’t we think about seeing God for the first time?

I try to think about it often because it keeps me centered. This is also why I imagine Lisa seeing God for the first time. I love her, so I want her to be ready for it.

Most of us get nervous in front of certain people, so how in the world can we prepare to meet the One who “dwells in the unapproachable light” (1 Tim. 6 : 16)?

Fortunately, the Bible was written for that very purpose.

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DEVOTION 3

SECTION 1 Your First Love

STARE AT GOD

I

was intimidated to introduce myself to Lisa for the first time. Twenty years later, that has changed significantly. I now feel more comfortable with her than

with any other person on earth. Time in a person’s presence changes everything.

Relationship changes everything.

In Revelation 4, the Bible speaks of high angels who are in the presence of

God. It says that “day and night they never cease to say, ‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come!’” All they ever do is look at God and declare how holy He is. They’re doing it right now. They’ll be doing it when you put this book down. When you go to bed tonight, and when you wake up tomorrow.

It’s worth every moment of their time to be in His presence and proclaiming His greatness. So wouldn’t it make sense to spend at least a small portion of your day doing the same? Have you done this yet today? God wants us to worship Him and thank Him all throughout our day (Eph. 5 : 18–20). If we don’t stare at God, we’ll spend our time staring at lesser things. Namely, ourselves.

This is the mistake a lot of couples make. They spend a lot of time looking at themselves and each other but very little time staring at God. When this is the focus, they naturally begin to structure very aspect of their lives around the few years they have with each other on earth, rather than the millions they will spend in His presence. Or away from His presence. These people live as though they are not dying. They live as though the King is not returning.

Few would deny that marriages are destroyed by selfishness. At times, we all over-value our own pursuits while ignoring the desires of God and others. But we can’t cure our narcissism by trying to ignore ourselves. The solution is to stare at God. When we actually stare at Him, everything else fades to its proper place.

Not only does meditating on God create closeness with Him, but it rekindles our fear of Him. Sometimes, it’s a healthy fear that protects our marriage when the feelings of closeness aren’t there.

Daily Reading: Eph. 5 : 18–20

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DEVOTION 4

Your First Love SECTION 1

PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE

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hings are different nowadays. Sin is more accessible and acceptable. Two specific areas come to mind, both deadly to marriage: pornography and flirting.

When I was a kid, a guy had to let everyone in the store know he was a pervert

when he walked to the counter to buy a Playboy magazine. These days, people can look endlessly at pornography on the privacy of their own phones. And many don’t even consider that perverted. It’s the norm!

When I was a kid, a woman would have to flirt with a man face to face, in a normal social setting. Once again, there was the shame of people seeing it and labelling her a “whore” or “slut”. Now with Facebook and text messaging, women and men can approach each other in secret to test the waters. And the affairs that spring from it, as well as the divorces that result from it, have become more acceptable. Even in the church.

But some things never change. God still sees it. God still hates it as much as He ever has. Though the majority may support you now, God still does not. Excuses like “my husband doesn’t pay attention to me” or “my wife has not been meeting my needs” are still not heard by God. Satan is still the source of those voices that tell you it’s okay—even when those voices belong to your friends, counsellors, or pastors.

And the answer to sin is still the same: Fear God. Love for your family is not always enough to protect your family from your own wickedness. It’s a deeprooted knowledge that a holy God is watching that will steer you from evil during the most alluring temptations.

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

(Galatians 6 : 7–8) Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. (Philippians 2 : 12)

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DEVOTION 5

SECTION 1 Your First Love

STUDY GOD’S WORD

R

emember that there is an enemy who is seeking to destroy your marriage. Our battle is not against flesh and blood (Eph. 6 : 12), so we can’t safeguard our

marriages through more date nights, more vacations, or more counselling. Those things are not bad, but we have to see that there is more going on. Sincere and concentrated prayer will do infinitely more than any human strategy for a happy marriage. “The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working”

(James 5 : 16).

The other source of power we must not neglect is the Bible. That phrase may sound like a broken record for those who grew up attending church services, but I hope you don’t tune it out. The verses in the Bible are more than good teachings, they possess power. They are not just powerful points—they are living words, spoken by the same God whose words formed our universe.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4 : 12).

The words in your Bible carry an unparalleled power to penetrate to your very core. They reach beyond your self-deception, your hypocrisy, and your false motives and expose your soul. You sit down to read this book, and it tears you open, doing God’s work in your heart and mind. We hear strong opinions from arrogant people all day long. We need to cleanse our minds by reminding each other of God’s actual words.

Read these passages slowly and reverently. Read them aloud to yourself or to each other: Ecclesiastes 5 : 1–7, 2 Peter 3 : 10–12, Isaiah 55 : 8–9.

If those verses are true, we should stop wasting time searching our own minds and spend our days studying His.

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DEVOTION 6

WORSHIP GOD, NOT MARRIAGE

W

hen my computer sits idle for a few minutes, the screen saver displays a picture of our family running along the beach. As I look at it, it often leads

me to worship. How did God come up with this? The imagination and power required to create people and design marriage is literally unfathomable. The creation of family was brilliant. To go through life not as individuals, but as groups that show each other love and support, that carry each other through the hard times and laugh together in the good times, that pray and praise and cry and

suffer and enjoy together—who else could have come up with something that beautiful?

We have to be careful, though. While it is good to enjoy what God has created, the love of family can quickly eclipse all others.

When Jesus was asked what the most important command was, He said, “you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment” (Matt. 22 : 37–38). Jesus goes so far as to say, “Whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matt. 10 : 37). Jesus is clear that He wants first place in our lives.

In fact, He also says, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14 : 26). It’s not that we should love Him a little more that we love our families; our love for Him should be in a different category. He is far beyond us, so our love for Him should be far beyond our love for others. The gap between our love for God and our love for our spouses should be massive. The two are not worthy of being compared. We normally order our affections like the list on the left, when the list on the right is the biblical mandate:

1. GOD

2. Family

3. Friends

4. Work

5. Possessions

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1. GOD

2. Family, Friends, Work, Possessions

Your First Love SECTION 1

Too many are content with the list as it is arranged on the left. But that list doesn’t come from the Bible. In fact, it stands in opposition to what the Bible actually teaches. God demands that we treat Him as holy, which means “set apart.”

If we loved God the way we ought, there would be no such thing as a “close second.”

Again, a lot of this will fall into place as you stare at Him. Consider your heart now. What is your first love? What do you pray for? What do you meditate on?

We were created by Him and for His glory.

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities – all things were created through him and for him. (Colossians 1 : 16) So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10 : 31)

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ADDITIONAL READING RESOURCES from Lisa and Francis Chan

In his latest book, Francis Chan and his wife Lisa address the question that many couples wonder at the altar: “How do I have a great marriage?” Setting aside typical topics on marriage, Francis and Lisa dive into Scripture to understand what it means to have a relationship that satisfies the deepest parts of our souls.

In the same way that Crazy Love changed the way we see our personal relationship with God, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity will radically shift the way we see one of our most important earthly relationships: marriage.

Jesus was right. We have it all backwards. The way to have a great marriage is to not focus on marriage.

Whether you are single, dating, or married, this book will help you discover the adventure that you were made for — ­­and learn how to thrive in it.

For these titles and other resources for men visit

PromiseKeepers.ca 10 Holy Love

SECTION 2 MARRIAGE FUNDAMENTALS

DEVOTION 7

by Lauren and Tony Dungy

AT THE CENTER Core Principle 1: Christ the center of your marriage.

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love?

Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?

Then make me truly happy be agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. PHILIPPIANS 2: 1–2, NLT

by Lauren Dungy

W

hen Tony served as a head coach in the NFL, the coaches’ wives often visited classrooms in inner-city schools to read to and talk with students.

This practice continues to be one of my priorities, and now that Tony is retired, he has joined me. We have visited two third-grade classrooms in the heart of Tampa almost every Tuesday since 2009.

After we finish reading one of our books to the students, we take their questions. At first, some of the inquiries surprised us. “Are you two married? To each other?” We’ve learned to expect surprised looks or exclamations like, “Wow, you’re kidding me!” when we tell them that, yes, we’ve been married for more than thirty years.

My favourite question came from a boy who eagerly raised his hand and asked, “Are you guys Christians?” I felt such joy that a third grader recognized our love for God and desire to follow His plan.

Tony and I have fulfilled many roles during our marriage: spouse, parent, coach, teacher, speaker, and broadcaster, to name just a few. Yet nothing is more important than being Christ followers. Christ is also the center of our marriage —the source of love, grace, forgiveness, and perseverance we need to make it through each day.

During most of my single life I hadn’t been focused on getting married. But when my thoughts finally drifted to marriage and whom I might marry, I knew I

Making Good Marriages Even Better 11

DEVOTION 7

wanted to marry a Christian—an authentic, deeply committed, passionate, and growing follower of Christ.

When I met Tony, I learned he did too.

We both felt blessed to have parents who were happily married as well—we knew that was unusual. Within our circle of family and friends, Tony and I had numerous other examples of couples with great marriages because they were following biblical principles. Those principles guided not only their decision making, but also helped them as they raised their children, developed friendships and other associations, handled their finances, and became active in churches.

We had also seen how some couples with different faith walks or none at all sometimes struggled to navigate the challenges of marriage. They lacked a common source of wisdom and grace.

Striving to keep Christ at the center of our relationship has been and continues to be the key to building our marriage. He is the source of true and lasting encouragement, comfort and love, which makes it possible for us to set aside our selfish interests and live in ever-increasing harmony. Tony and I like to remind couples that the process of two becoming one may begin on their wedding day, but that is just the beginning of a lifetime journey of commitment. We never stop growing with and learning about each other.

Maybe it’s because I once taught math as a sixth-grade teacher, but one of my favourite analogies of a Christ-centered marriage is an equilateral triangle. As you may recall from geometry class, all three sides of an equilateral triangle are the same length. (See? You teacher told you you’d be using this later!) I picture Christ at the top of the triangle. The bride and groom, respectively, form the other two corners. The only way for a married couple to grow closer to each other is for each to grow closer to Christ—shortening the sides of the triangle. And making Christ the focus of one’s relationships is all part of God’s inviolate plan for marriage.

While our journey hasn’t been perfect every moment, Tony and I have always known that whenever we start to get off track, whenever we feel strain or

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Marriage Fundamentals SECTION 2

tension, we can turn toward our center and draw closer to Christ—and thereby to each other.

Application: Take a moment to each draw a triangle. Be sure the sides reflect the distance you currently feel between each other and Christ. (The longer the sides, the further apart you feel.) Now compare your triangles. Discuss why you drew them the way you did, and how focusing on Christ could shorten the sides and bring you closer together.

Christ

Christ-centered marriage

Husband

Wife

Making Good Marriages Even Better 13

DEVOTION 8

LOVING YOUR IN-LAWS Core Principle 2: Treat your parents and others in authority with respect.

Honour your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you. EXODUS 20 : 12, NLT

by Lauren Dungy

I

come from a talkative, expressive family, so early in our marriage, I wondered what the quiet, reserved Dungys really thought about me. Tony, on the other

hand, quickly learned to accept brutally honest advice from my father and brothers—whether or not he’d asked for it. More than once, Tony and I had to sit down to discuss our families’ differences as we figured out how to love and humour our in-laws.

Sometimes we even had to laugh—such as the afternoon I told Tony how I’d nearly fainted from the heat after taking his dad outside to show him our new vegetable garden. I’d asked Wilbur Dungy a simple question about how far apart to plant green beans, only to have him launch into a two-hour lecture on soil content and photosynthesis. That’s the day I learned my father-in-law would open up—as long as you were talking about something he was passionate about!

Given our experiences, whenever I am at a wedding I wonder if the bride and groom fully understand that they are not only gaining a spouse, they are inheriting an extended family. Because that is what happens when a bridal couple enters into the sacred covenant of marriage. Despite adding “in-law” to each name, the truth is that every new bride and groom in essence has a new “mother” and a new “father.”

All too often, brand-new married couples are unsure how to deal with their in-laws. I like how Gary Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages, frames their predicament. Couples, he says, must balance two principles: leaving their parents while still honouring them. The Bible makes it clear that “a man leaves

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Marriage Fundamentals SECTION 2

his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Genesis 2 : 24). But while a couple’s allegiance shifts from their parents to each other, they are to continue to honour their parents, to value their wisdom, and to seek their best. If the admonishment to “honour your father and mother” in Exodus 20 : 12 is not enough for a husband to treat his wife’s parents as his own—and vice versa for his bride—then the respect due to each other should be enough to carry the day.

The way we treat our parents affects more than our own relationship with them. A speaker at our church recently pointed out that one of the biggest problems in America is that we have not been trained well in how to honour our fathers and mothers as the Bible commands. As a result, we don’t have proper attitudes toward those in authority. Yet even when we don’t like the behaviours modelled by a leader, we have to respect the position of authority he or she holds.

That’s a lesson Tony and I want our kids to learn. We want to ensure they honour us and develop proper respect for other authority figures, whether or not they like everything those in charge do.

Loving your in-laws is much easier when you start with honour and respect.

Application: Is there an issue you need to discuss with your spouse about either set of your parents? Talk about how Exodus 20 : 12 and Genesis 2 : 24 speak to that issue.

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DEVOTION 9

FOR GOD SO LOVED . . .

Core Principle 3: Husbands: Work hard to hear your wife’s heart and meet her needs.

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. JOHN 3 : 16–17, NLT

by Tony Dungy

B

ill McCartney was a longtime college football coach whom I first got to know while playing high school football in Michigan, where I grew up. Bill would

later coach at the University of Colorado, where he led the Buffaloes to their only national title. In 1990, he felt called to something different and started Promise Keepers [USA], a ministry movement that reaches out to men.

Shortly after Bill founded Promise Keepers, the organization held a men’s conference at Houlihan’s Stadium in Tampa. Bill was one of the speakers. I had just been hired by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as their head football coach, and I attended the conference along with several members of my staff. Bill’s message impacted me then and continues to carry weight and meaning with me today.

Bill told us that he had started Promise Keepers because of a mistake he had made in his marriage. He admitted that he’d been so short-sighted and selfcentered in his drive to become a successful college football coach that he’d often disregarded his wife’s needs. Lindy had never balked or failed to support him as he pursued his passion for a career in the world of sports. However in the process, she never had the chance to pursue her individual dreams. Even worse, Bill confessed that he’d never given Lindy’s desires much thought, figuring that she’d understood when they married that she needed to stand by his career.

When Bill really looked into his wife’s eyes, he realized that the life had gone out of them. He resolved to begin serving her. After telling his story, he challenged us to read John 3 : 16—a Scripture reference familiar to many sports fans—in a new way. He said that when he replaced the word the world in that verse with Lindy’s

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Marriage Fundamentals SECTION 2

name, his attitude toward her had completely changed.

As we left the stadium that day, my fellow coaches and I talked about how Bill’s message had resonated with every one of us—because we had done the very same thing with our careers and to our wives. We realized that as we had reached for our dreams, our marriage became a “one-way street,” and we expected our wives to support the destination we had chosen. That night, we left the conference vowing to change that paradigm.

In today’s Scripture passage, Jesus told Nicodemus, a curious religious leader, that God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son as a sacrifice. That verse took on new meaning for me in the stadium that day. As I followed Bill’s example, I read the passage like this: “For God loved Lauren so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that if Lauren believes in him, [she] will not perish but have eternal life.” Reading it that way allowed me to see Lauren, the woman whom the King of kings had arranged for me marry in a new light. More than ever, I wanted my actions and attitude to give her a lift and ongoing encouragement.

When we put the names of our loved ones, friends, and others who cross our paths into this passage, they take on sacred significance. In our minds and hearts, we begin to view them as God has always seen them—as prime objects of His love and caring affection. Then we are better able to help them become all they were created to be, to follow their dreams and to use their gifts for their good and the good of others.

Application: Read John 3 : 16 aloud, inserting your wife’s name where appropriate.

How does that help you better appreciate God’s love for her? How does it impact your attitude toward her?

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DEVOTION 10

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE Core Principle 4: Husbands: Be prepared to love sacrificially.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.

He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. EPHESIANS 5 : 25–26, NLT

by Tony Dungy

L

ong airplane rides. Turbulent, stormy weather. Middle seats in a row of three.

Those are just a few of the hassles that can come with regular airline travel.

Because of my coaching jobs, I have done a lot of flying over the years. Lately those trips have included going cross country from our home in Tampa to Oregon to watch our son play football. The window seat is my preference when I travel by myself. To make the trip as pleasant as possible, I see to it that I arrive and check in early, board the plane when called, and then settle into my seat and relax.

But that is only when I fly alone. When I fly with Lauren, all my personal plans and preferences, well, they end up out the window. Because we prefer to sit together, we know that whenever our plane’s seat configuration has rows of three, one of us is going to have to sit in the middle seat. Lauren doesn’t fly as much as I do, but I know how much she loves sitting by the window!

From this vantage point, she can see what is happening on the tarmac below, watch other flights take off and land, make sure—when possible—that our luggage has been loaded, and observe any changes in the weather. Once airborne, she tries to identify locations in the town we just took off from, view the beautiful countryside as the jet soars by, and take in all the gorgeous cloud formations. (And if she wants to sleep, she can put her pillow against the window and not worry about an awkward interaction with a stranger.)

You know what I mean when I say that the middle seat doesn’t offer a lot of privacy. Sitting there can make you feel cramped and uncomfortable. Especially when the person in front of you decides to recline. Taking the middle seat is

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definitely a sacrifice. And between Lauren and me, it is a sacrifice of love. I think Jesus would be pleased, considering His admonition in the Sermon on the Mount that “if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5: 40–41, ESV).

I realize that having to give up the window seat for Lauren doesn’t rise anywhere near the examples of sacrifice that Jesus gives. But in all cases, the attitude of our heart determines whether or not we willingly set aside our wants for another. The lesson of the middle seat is simply another way to remember my responsibly to serve others, just as Christ came to serve—not to be served.

Loving sacrificially requires a willingness to surrender every need, every desire, every right, and every position and claim of our own for the good of our spouse or others without begrudging them. God calls upon me to demonstrate sacrificial love to my wife. That simply means that I recognize and put her first in everything—even when it means giving up my window seat.

Application: How to you define sacrifice? In what ways do you sacrifice and “take the middle seat” so your spouse can feel loved?

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DEVOTION 11

THE ONE THING YOU CAN CONTROL Core Principle 5: Wives: Show love and respect to your husband.

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. 1 PETER 3 : 1–2, NLT

by Lauren Dungy

I

learned a long time ago that the circumstances of my day often dictate my attitude. They can determine whether my day is going to be sunny or cloudy—no

matter what the weather actually is.

My personal situation may affect how I make decisions and colour my perception of comments I hear others make. They frequently determine what comes out of my mouth in response to what others say to what is happening around me.

My circumstances are that powerful. The question is: Do they have to be?

In his book Man’s Search for Meaning. Viktor Frankl recounts the unspeakable horrors of his longtime imprisonment in Nazi concentration camps like Auschwitz and Dachau. As a prisoner, he was stripped of everything. His father, mother, brother and wife all died in similar prison camps. Though he survived, Frankl suffered from hunger, cold, and brutality. He had lost every possession and knew he could be killed at any hour, but he still found value and hope in his day. Life, he discovered, was worth preserving.

Even in our most desperate circumstances, he noted, we are never stripped of the “last of human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” In other words, though we can’t always choose our situation, we can always choose our attitude—which makes it possible for us to rise about those circumstances.

That’s a healthy, relationship-enhancing reminder for me as I strive to show love and respect to Tony—even on those days when that’s going on around me

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leaves me feeling tired, overlooked, or annoyed. When our two oldest children were small, Tony took a job coaching the defensive backs for the Kansas City Chiefs. During the season, he often didn’t return home until 2:00 am. That meant I had to run the home on my own for much of the year. If the car broke down, I took it to the garage. If one of the kids was struggling in a class, I contacted the teacher. If the lawn needed mowing, I took care of it.

As difficult as that was, it was almost harder when the season ended. As you can imagine, Tony was anxious to reconnect with the kids—which sometimes meant disrupting their homework and bedtime schedule. Even though I knew his heart was in the right place, I was frustrated. After I’d spent months establishing household rules, was it right for Tony to disturb them just because he wanted to take the kids out for ice cream?

But other than blowing off some steam, what would I have gained by lashing out at Tony? What would I have taught the kids about working out differences and honouring others within our home? I realized that I always had the choice, no matter what was going on or how I felt about Tony’s actions, to control my response. I had the choice as to how I would react. I wanted to win over my family, to model in some small way God’s extravagant love and forgiveness. That often meant I had to check my words and my attitudes.

If we show our spouses the respect they deserve in spite of our circumstances, we can make a difficult moment better. The apostle Peter says that when wives demonstrate love for their husbands by respecting their position, they may win their husbands over without the use of words. Who knows? That might even encourage husbands to respond to us with increased love and affection.

Application: Offer a sincere compliment about your spouse this week in front of your children, your parents or siblings, or your friends at church, at work, or in the neighbourhood. If possible, do it when he is there too!

Making Good Marriages Even Better 21

DEVOTION 12

VOLUNTARY SUBMISSION Core Principle 6: Wives: Strike the right balance between acceptance and expressing your disappointment when following your husband’s lead in an area where you disagree.

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. EPHESIANS 5 : 22, NLT

by Lauren Dungy

W

hen Tony and I first talked about moving to Minnesota in 1992, we viewed the situation much differently. It was a good opportunity for

him professionally since he would become the Vikings’ defensive coordinator; however, I didn’t see how this move would benefit our family. During our three years in Kansas City, we had connected with so many people, and we had found a phenomenal church. The community was an ideal fit for all of us.

In the end, Tony made the decision to accept the position, even though he knew going to Minnesota was not my choice. I felt that we hadn’t discussed the decision sufficiently, nor had we prayed about it enough individually and together. I shared my concerns with Tony.

But ultimately I was ready to follow God’s direction in submitting to what Tony felt was the right decision, honouring him and also demonstrating my love for him in that process. Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t easy then, and I still consider it to be one of the most difficult times in our marriage.

So I understand why this passage has negative connotation. Whenever someone speaks of or debates this verse, feelings can get intense on both sides.

I believe that’s partly because much of the submission we have witnessed in human history has been forced. People who have been captured by military action or enslaved by others have been required to submit to stay alive. The dominating party has received all the benefits in these one-way relationships to the detriment of those who have had to obey. That’s what most of us think of when we hear the term submission, and we understandably balk at those applications.

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However, that is not what the apostle Paul was describing when he wrote his letter to the believers at the church at Ephesus. He was advocating voluntary submission, which occurs when people decide on their own to come under the protection and guidance of another for their benefit. This type of submission forms the whole basis for Christian marriage. The husband voluntarily puts himself under Christ’s direction and guidance, submitting his will to that of Jesus. And the wife likewise puts herself under the direction of Jesus and her husband. When this happens, both parties receive the benefits of following Christ, together.

When we follow that example in our marriage, not only will we glorify God, but our obedience will allow us to ultimately see the blessings God has for us. As I look back at our years in Minnesota, I see many blessings. For example, I made some wonderful friendships that continue to this day. Tony further established his abilities and experience as an exceptional coach, and our children got to connect and bond with a few of their cousins who lived nearby.

And the next time Tony and I had to decide whether to move, we approached it differently. We had both learned what it meant to honour and submit to each other, so we spent more time deliberating and praying together about our decision. Of course, the fact that we were moving to sunny Florida made it much easier!

Application: Submission can be a loaded term in our culture. Take a few minutes today to discuss what this word means to you. Do you each feel that the other hears your heart and respects your feelings? If not, godly submission will be tough to practice. How might you begin to practice submission and meeting your spouse where he or she is?

Making Good Marriages Even Better 23

ADDITIONAL READING RESOURCES from Lauren and Tony Dungy

Marriage is an adventure unlike any other. At times, you and your spouse may feel so close, connected, and in love that you’re ready to take on the world together. But other times, things grow distant, and you wonder where all the joy and excitement has gone. What is the secret to a happy, healthy, God-honoring marriage—one that will last through anything that comes your way?

Join Tony and Lauren Dungy in The Uncommon Marriage Adventure, a series of daily reflections for couples. With transparency, wisdom, and humor, the Dungys share what they’ve learned over 30 years of marriage about faith, teamwork, conflict, communication, and more.

Through each day’s reading, you and your spouse will go deeper in loving, understanding, and learning to serve each other. Dare to embark on your own marriage adventure—and discover how to make your relationship truly uncommon.

For these titles and other resources for men visit

PromiseKeepers.ca 24 Holy Love

SECTION 3 THE DUDE’S GUIDE TO LISTENING

DEVOTION 13

by Amie and Darrin Patrick

THE POWER OF THE TONGUE Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. 1 PETER 3 : 7

W

omen like it when you listen to them. They are funny that way. My wife often asks if I hear what she says: “Are you really listening to me?” Many

times I am not. I mean, I am, but I’m not. I hear words coming from her cute,

perky lips, but I often fail to listen to the heart behind those words.

The truth is I wish my wife wouldn’t talk so much. She could say what she is trying to say with way fewer adjectives and superlatives. She knows how to get to the point. She is aware that I have a short attention span. She has studied my thoughts, actions, and words for twenty years. Yet she keeps talking.

I’d rather be the one talking. I literally talk for a living. I traffic in words.

There is nothing quite like standing up in front of fifty or five thousand people and uttering a profound, life-changing statement. To be able to hold the attention of people with my words is one of the greatest gifts I have been given.

But there is a dark side to this gift. When I talk, I’m in control. I like being in control. I like giving directives. I like solving problems. Not every man has a job that requires public speaking but, but every man uses words. We like to give our opinions, state our case, and instill our wisdom. We use words, and when we do, we feel like we are in control.

Proverbs 18 : 21 tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

Words are quite spiritual. We learn from the Bible that in the beginning God created the whole universe with a word. God reveals who he is through the created world generally, but through his words (the Bible) specifically. God has given us words to build a relationship with him. That’s called prayer. Words aren’t just organized noise coming out of our mouths. They are a spiritual force that has power.

Men and women use this controlling force in distinct ways. Men tend to view themselves as individuals in a hierarchical social order in which they are “either

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The Dude’s Guide to Listening SECTION 3

one-up or one-down.” Women usually view the world as a network of connections in which conversations are negotiations for closeness and consensus. Men talk with a focus on achieving social status and avoiding failure, while women focus on achieving personal connection and avoiding social isolation.

These different ways of conversing are known as report-talk (men) and rapport-talk (women). Report-talk is information oriented, focused on objectivity and practicality. Rapport-talk is relationship oriented, emotionally expressive, and engaging. When you come home from work, and your wife asks, “How was your day?’ she is attempting to engage in rapport-talk. When you respond, “Fine,” you assume she was looking for a report.

Daily Reading: James 3 : 1–12

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SECTION 3 The Dude’s Guide to Listening

WHY DO WIVES STOP TALKING?

M

any husbands think their wives talking less is a good thing. Not so much.

When your wife gives in to report-talk and stops trying to gain rapport, it

doesn’t mean you’ve won. It means she’s no longer pursuing connection. If you

think having a wife who talks too much is the worst thing possible, wait until she stops.

They Don’t Feel Safe The other day I noticed Amie was especially silent. Later in the day that silence morphed into coldness. I could tell she had been hurt by something I had done. I racked my brain, trying to figure out how I had offended her. What had I done that morning? It turned out defense had occurred earlier in the week. My wife was trying to express feelings about an upcoming family event. I was preoccupied and said, “Amie, just figure it out. I’ll do whatever you want.” She interpreted this to mean, “Darrin doesn’t care and is unwilling to engage with me about our family.”

Guilty as charged. She was right.

Because of her experiences with her husband and with counseling other women, Amie has some wisdom here.

A wife stops talking to her husband when she’s given up hope that he will be a safe place for her to share her heart. She’s probably resorted to having her need to be listened to met by someone else—girlfriends, mom, coworkers, or even another man.

The good news is that it’s never too late to change course. A great place to start would be to tell your wife, “I know I’m a terrible listener and I’ve hurt you. I want to change.

Will you help me?” She may not come around immediately, but genuine humility and vulnerability go along way and healing broken places.

Daily Reading: Ephesians 5: 25–33

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The Dude’s Guide to Listening SECTION 3

WHY DO WIVES STOP TALKING? CON’T They Are Tired of Excuses Many wives have set the right environment, have tried to approach their husbands in the right spirit and at the right time, and have been given the Heisman (stiffarm) multiple times. Husband, when conflict arises, you are far more likely to stonewall (shut down and become unresponsive). Faced with intense, troubling emotions, you will just sit there silently, trying not to react, just idling in neutral.

You may not intend harm, but it is hard for your wife not to view it as disapproval and rejection. Her knee-jerk response is to perceive your silence as hostility. A wife gets tired of pushing through her husband’s walls.

They Are Tired of Being Fixed Women want to be heard, not fixed. They are open to encouragement, challenge, and even rebuke, but usually only after they have been listen to. Research from Dr. John Gottman tells us, “Women are more sensitive to advice giving than are men.”

A wife will usually react “very negatively” if you try to problem solve her troubles without trying to empathize.

Amie has found it very helpful when I asked, “Do you want me to help solve the problem, or do you just want me to listen?” Ninety-eight percent of the time she just wants me to listen and understand her perspective. She is more open to proposed solutions if I’ve spent several minutes patiently listening to her.

Their Husbands Are Distracted Women do not want to engage in a conversation with a husband who is not focused. Your posture communicates attentiveness or inattentiveness. Eye contact communicates engagement. Most of the time when Amie asks me if I am listening to her, I’m not, though I often fudge and say that I am. But sometimes I am listening. The problem is not that I’m listening and my wife doesn’t recognize it.

The problem is that I’m not communicating that I am listening.

Daily Reading: Proverbs 18 : 22; 19 : 14; 31 : 10

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SECTION 3 The Dude’s Guide to Listening

WHAT CAN HUSBANDS DO TO COMMUNICATE LISTENING?

I

have learned to love listening to my wife. Over the years I have grown in how to show Amie that I am interested in understanding her heart through

her words. I’m learning to express affection for her and validate her emotions

with my mouth closed and my ears open. The other day after Amie attended two of our kids’ parent-teacher conferences, I asked her what the teachers said and what she felt about the interaction. Now, this was a huge step and that I actually engaged her heart (what she felt) and not just her head (what the teachers said). When she was talking, I made sure I was listening with my body.

You can actually listen with your eyes, your face, and your words.

Make Eye Contact This is the big E on the eyechart. Look at your wife. Focus on her eyes, which are windows into her soul. Her eyes will communicate even more than her words.

Don’t look through her, but look to her. Don’t be afraid of her. Engage her face.

My friend Dave Gibbons says, “If we paid as much attention to our wife as we do our phones, we would probably have a great marriage.”

Watch Your Face And Body As a public speaker, I am hyper aware of nonverbal communication. I try to zone in on a few individuals to see if my message is connecting. Are they engaged, or are they bored? Do I need to pause and be more descriptive? Do I need to omit a point that isn’t relevant? How does the crowd give these cues? Nonverbals.

When their arms are folded, faces frowned, eyes intent on their phones, they signal they aren’t engaged or don’t know how to show that they are engaged. If I show my wife that I am interested in what she is saying with good nonverbals, I actually become more interested in what she is saying. When your wife talks,

Making Good Marriages Even Better 29

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The Dude’s Guide to Listening SECTION 3

nod, smile, lean forward, do whatever is appropriate to tell her you are interested in her perspective.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat My wife and I went to college together. She was summa cum laude and the star of her class. Me? I squeezed four years into five. We had only a couple of classes together, one of those was an intense weekend class for intro to psychology. I don’t remember much about the class because I was staring at my wife during most lectures, but I do remember this helpful piece of advice from the prof: when someone says something to you, it is a good idea to repeat what the person said before you answer.

Act as if you are at the drive-through. One person speaks, and the other repeats what he or she heard. Here’s an example: “Honey, I’m tired of the way you come home from work and immediately sit in front of the TV. It makes me feel that the TV is more important to you than I am.” Then the other person repeats, “OK, so it bothers you when I come home and go right for the TV. It makes you feel unimportant.”

See how that works? Now, a couple of other important points. Keep things in the first person (I) as much as you can, instead of the second person (you). Talk about how you feel and try not to be accusing. Talk in feelings and facts only.

Don’t give your opinions or assume you know how the other person feels. Just give your side.

Daily Reading: 1 Corinthians 13 : 1–13

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SECTION 3 The Dude’s Guide to Listening

TRUTHS THAT LEAD TO LISTENING

A

s a pastor, I hear all kinds of confessions. There is something cathartic about telling another person your sins and struggles (James 5 : 16). When we confess

sin, we agree with God that something is wrong. To confess is to acknowledge reality.

If we are going to become good listeners, we have to tell ourselves the truth.

I Don’t Know What She Is Going To Say I too often make this mistake. Even after twenty-five years of knowing Amie and twenty-plus years of being married to her, I’m surprised by her words. Last summer we were sitting on the porch of the lake house we rented for a vacation, talking about how hard the last few months had been and complaining about how complicated our lives were. We were making plans for the fall, and I was saying that I was going to change my schedule and put my foot down and so forth. I thought Amie, the prototypical planner, was going to jump in and offer solutions for a better fall season. Instead, she said, “I think we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow. We should just enjoy the day”. Wow! She is refreshingly unpredictable. Part of the joy of marriage is that conversation breaks up the monotony and busyness of life.

I Don’t Know What She Means This one is a little tricky. It is difficult to hear what your wife is actually saying. At times, grasping the intended meaning of her words seems impossible. The drivethrough method will help you, but you may still miss her heart.

For instance, one day Amie started talking about our kids’ schedules. At the time, we had four kids in four schools! It was chaos to say the least. I assumed she wanted me to speak into the schedule and insert myself to help solve some of the logistical problems. She stopped me mid-sentence and said, “Darrin, I just want you to hear all that is going on with our kids. I want you to know what is going on with me and how I am managing everything. I don’t need you to jump in and save the day. I just need you to listen to my heart.” Words from your wife can be an invitation to know her deeply.

Daily Reading: Proverbs 18 : 2; 29 : 20

Making Good Marriages Even Better 31

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The Dude’s Guide to Listening SECTION 3

GOOD QUESTIONS I Don’t Have To Solve My Wife As If She Is A Problem Every guy acts like the math student with his wife. She isn’t algebra, and thank God for that. She is, as one author noted, “not a problem to be solved but a vast wonder to be enjoyed.” (John and Stasi Eldredge). When the wife knows that her husband is genuinely interested and engaged in the little details of her life, she will trust him more deeply with big decisions and significant life challenges.

Actively listening to your wife communicates that you want to understand her.

You value her for herself, not just for what she does. Listening well affirms her character while shaping yours. Listening communicates the desire for partnership, where both husband and wife are known and are committed to each other’s wellbeing above his or her own. A good husband, verbally and nonverbally, says to his wife, “You are worth hearing.”

Five Good Questions Set aside some time to ask your wife the following questions. This is your opportunity to initiate conversation with your wife and get another assessment of your strengths and weaknesses.

1. How would you rate my listening skills, 1 being awful, 10 being pure awesome? Why? 2. Who is the best listener you know? What makes him or her a good listener?

3. What practical things can I do to improve my listening skills?

4. Are there any bad listening habits that I need to drop?

5. What are the best times of day for us to have important conversations?

Daily Reading: Colossians 3 : 12–14

32 Holy Love

ADDITIONAL READING RESOURCES from Darrin Patrick

What do women want? This question has stumped the greatest male minds for centuries. Of course, if you’re married, a much better question is, “What does your wife want?”

As Darrin and Amie Patrick reveal in this profoundly practical and transformational book, God designed your wife to want—to need—to be loved. And that design is an invitation for you to love her deeply, intentionally and passionately.

Practicing ten powerful actions—including listening, pursuing, and serving—will transform you into your wife’s lifelong champion and have her nominating you for the Husband Hall of Fame.

The Dude’s Guide to Marriage is for guys who want to grow, who want clear steps to improving their marriage. It’s for men who want a marriage that thrives rather than just survives.

Grab this guide, and get ready to be a better husband by becoming a better man.

For these titles and other resources for men visit

PromiseKeepers.ca Making Good Marriages Even Better 33

DEVOTION 19

HOLY LOVE SECTION 4

by Jeff Stearns

SELFLESS MARRIAGES So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. M AT T H E W 7: 12

W

hat makes a good relationship? According to Grimm’s Fairy Tales the secret seems to be found in the size of your feet. The evil stepsisters were doomed

to failed relationships because they had a bigger shoe size than Cinderella and no amount of manipulation—or mutilation—on their part could bring them the marriage they desired.

A cursory glance through the magazines at the supermarket checkout seem to suggest ideas that are not much better. Magazine covers promise the perfect relationship can be achieved through everything from sexual compatibility, better cooking, tighter buns (not related to cooking), having an affair, a new wardrobe, or the right vacation.

Movies seem to be centered on the quest for “The One”, true love’s first kiss, or love at first sight. Many romantic plots involve characters who find themselves in unsatisfying marriages that can never be saved because they are with the wrong person. Only by leaving that first spouse and following the impulse of their heart to run away with the new romantic interest will they ever find the happiness they deserve.

According to the wisdom of the culture around us, true happiness seems to be

found in putting yourself first.

Several years ago the University of Chicago conducted a study into love styles and scholars found that people in altruistic marriages were happier. Relationships where each person put the well-being of their partner first had stronger, more satisfying lives. We laughed in the office when we read the news article; that they needed a study to prove what God had been telling us from the beginning.

Daily Reading: Mark 12 : 28–34

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SECTION 4 Holy Love

THE RISK OF RESENTMENT Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. EPHESIANS 4 : 26–27

M

y ten year old daughter recently showed me her school project on cancer.

She talked about how cancer occurs when normal cells become corrupted

and change from being helpful to harmful. How cancer starts as something

small and grows over time; the growth can be rapid or it can take place very slowly over many years. She talked about the different habits and things that can contribute to cancer starting. There are a variety to medical treatments for cancer, but successful treatment is greatly affected by how early the cancer is found. She was amazed that something so small that it seemed harmless could grow into something throughout your body that could kill you.

One of the greatest risks to an altruistic marriage is resentment.

Like cancer it usually starts small. You give up eating the last piece of cake you wanted because you know your spouse would like it and they don’t say thank you.

You make a great supper but they complain about part of it. They always seem to pick the movie they want to watch. You always seem to be the one to get the kids in the night, clean up the mess, work long hours, give little compliments, or fix things, and they don’t seem to appreciate your sacrifice. If we do not watch our attitude, resentment can start to seep in.

Resentment is a lot like cancer; it starts small, and grows over time. The enemy likes to keep reminding us of how we have been offended, feeding our resentment until it grows into bitterness—or even anger—choking out our love for each other. Each of us has met someone who has become bitter over the years because they have allowed resentment to take root and grow. Left untreated, resentment can kill relationships.

Forgiveness is the best treatment for resentment. It is important to properly communicate our feelings and improve our marriage but without forgiveness there will always be resentment.

Don’t let resentment grow in your heart.

Daily Reading: Colossians 3 : 12–14 Making Good Marriages Even Better 35

DEVOTION 21

THE RISK OF CONTEMPT ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

LUKE 18 : 11–12

I

don’t remember what the movie was, but I know we were excited about it. Ten of us had bought our tickets and stood in line for half an hour to make sure we

got the best seats when the theatre doors opened. After securing our seats, it was only minutes before the movie (or barrage of commercials that comes before the

movie) would begin when an usher approached and asked us to move out of our seats. There was a party taking place and the usher had forgotten to mark the seats off. Looking around at the full theatre I quickly realized there was nowhere to sit other than the very first row at the side. Caught between moving to terrible seats or standing our ground and spoiling a child’s birthday celebration, we decided to give up our seats. Instead of sitting in the theatre we walked out and I asked to speak to the manager.

At that point I had a decision to make. I could respond indignantly and be combative. We have all heard of celebrities or politicians loudly protesting to customer service, “Do you know who I am?” Or, I could have discussed the problem respectfully. I chose the latter; and as a result we received a refund, got free tickets for the next show, and some snacks thrown in. It worked out well and no one went home telling stories of the jerk at the movie theatre.

Everyone likes to be treated with respect. No one likes to be treated with contempt.

Contempt is one of the risks to an altruistic marriage. When you put the other person first, you run the risk of beginning to think better of yourself and less of them. “Look at what a great husband I am for letting her pick this movie. She is

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really lucky to have me—most guys wouldn’t sit through this.” “Look at what a great wife I am for giving up what I wanted to do so he can go to the hockey game. When is the last time he did that for me?” Slowly, we are tempted to elevate ourselves and allow just the slightest amount of contempt for our partner to sneak in. Like the cancer of resentment, contempt can grow and spread if left unchecked especially if you feel you are doing the majority of the sacrifice. The last thing any of us wants is to take on the attitude that so often defined the Pharisees.

Daily Reading: Luke 18 : 9–14

Making Good Marriages Even Better 37

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Holy Love SECTION 4

THE RISK OF INDIFFERENCE Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. SONG OF SONGS 8 : 6

B

ack in Bible College my friend Brian was faced with a dilemma. He had a number of papers due but he realized there was no way he could possibly

complete all of them in time. Deciding he had nothing to lose, he handed in

something unique for his marriage counselling course. The paper on marriage preparation had a normal cover page, but when you opened to the first page it was completely blank; except for one line in the middle of the page that said, “Whatever you say, Dear.” He was given an extension.

The third risk of an altruistic marriage is indifference or disengagement. In an effort to put the needs of the other person first, we run the risk of automatically defaulting to whatever they want all the time, and giving up any consideration of our self.

C.S. Lewis illustrates this in his book, The Screwtape Letters, in which a senior devil gives advice to a junior devil on how to tempt humans, “it becomes obligatory that A should argue in favour of B’s supposed wishes and against his own, while B does the opposite. It is often impossible to find out either party’s real wishes; with luck, they end by doing something that neither wants, while each feels a glow of self-righteousness and harbours a secret claim to preferential treatment for the unselfishness shown and a secret grudge against the other for the ease with which the sacrifice has been accepted.”

In addition to the resentment this can cause, we run the risk of growing distant from our partner. If we are not really expressing ourselves, then it is not really two people growing closer together. We engage less and create a wall between each other.

The challenge is finding the balance between putting the other person first and true interaction.

Daily Reading: Song of Songs 8 : 6–8

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SECTION 4 Holy Love

MOTIVATED BY JESUS “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” JOHN 13 : 34

Y

ears ago, in the distant past—before GPS and cell phones—I was given incorrect directions to a friend’s cottage. As we drove down a road in the

forest that slowly began to disappear I knew something was wrong. The trees and bushes were closing in and there was less and less to drive on. I finally gave up and decided to try and get out. We were barely able to reverse down the path and make it back to the main road. Eventually we figured out the mistake in the instructions (turn left, not right) and made it to our destination.

Our culture tells us living for ourselves is the path to happy relationships, but

we know this does not work. Studies show altruistic marriages are happier. But as we try to navigate the map, we find we cannot get there on our own motivation.

We face traps of resentment, contempt, and even indifference. In the end, although we are trying to put the other person first, our motivation is still the same as the culture’s motivation. We are putting the other person first so we can be happy. Our motivation is selfish.

We are trying to be unselfish for selfish reasons.

Jesus offers us a better way. Read Philippians 2 : 1–11.

Instead of being motivated by ourselves, we can truly put our partners first when we are motivated by what Jesus has done for us. When we are tempted by resentment we remember what Jesus gave up for us. When we are tempted by contempt we remember that Jesus died for our spouse. When we are tempted by indifference we remember that we are both created by and loved by Jesus.

Jesus is our motivation.

Daily Reading: Philippians 2: 1–11

Making Good Marriages Even Better 39

DEVOTION 24

JESUS OUR EXAMPLE “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life JOHN 3 : 16

I

f anyone had the right to feel resentment it was Jesus. The religious leaders of his day should have celebrated His coming and been His partners in

ministry but instead they plotted His death. His disciples promised to stand beside Him and then abandoned Him at his arrest. The crowds praised Him

and then chanted for His death. We call Him Lord and so often treat Him as an afterthought.

But He still loves us.

If anyone had the right to feel contempt it was Jesus. The religious leaders claimed to know the scriptures but they did not recognize the Word of Life. The Son of God walked daily with His disciples for three years, and they argued over who was the greatest. The crowds found His teaching too hard and walked away.

We so often fall short of what we he calls us to be.

But He adopted us as His Children.

If anyone had the right to feel indifference it was Jesus. The religious leaders only asked Him questions to trap Him. The disciples struggled to understand His mission. The crowds wanted a Messiah that would feed and free them. We so often turn to Him when we want something.

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But He gave himself for us.

Jesus is our motivation and example. It is through the power of the Holy Spirit that we are able to love our partner sacrificially and show them holy love.

Over the past four weeks we have explored how to have a healthy relationship. Francis and Lisa Chan talked about the importance of placing God first in our lives. Lauren and Tony Dungy helped us lay out some marriage fundamentals. Amie and Darrin Patrick challenged husbands to be better listeners with advice that could help men and women. Finally, this week we explored how to put our partner before ourselves. May God bless your relationship and help you love with a holy love.

Daily Reading: Romans 5 : 1–11

Making Good Marriages Even Better 41

HAVE SEVEN MAGAZINE SENT TO YOUR HOME

DON’T MISS AN ISSUE!

VISIT PROMISEKEEPERS.CA/SEVEN TO RECEIVE THE NEXT ISSUE

PROMISE KEEPERS CANADA would like to thank the following authors for building into marriages and equipping couples across this country through this devotional.

FRANCIS AND LISA CHAN >> Francis Chan is the best-selling author of Crazy Love, Forgotten God, Erasing Hell and Multiply. Currently, Francis is planting churches in the San Francisco area and launched a country wide discipleship movement called multiply.

Lisa Chan is a speaker and host of the True Beauty series. Together, Francis and Lisa have five amazing children and reside in Northern California.

LAUREN AND TONY DUNGY >> Lauren and Tony are authors of the New York Times bestseller Uncommon Marriage. In 2007, Tony became the first African American head coach to win the Super Bowl and now serves as a studio analyst for NBC’s Football Night in America. Together the Dungy’s have written several children’s books and are involved in many charitable causes. They have been married for over thirty years and are the parents of nine children.

AMIE AND DARRIN PATRICK >> Amie and Darrin are high school sweethearts and the parents of four children. Darrin is the founding pastor of The Journey, a large and rapidly growing multi-site church in St. Louis and serves as chaplain for the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

JEFF STEARNS >> Jeff has been married to Jacqueline for over 20 years and together they have five kids. With Jacqueline’s parents living in the inlaw suite, Jeff’s parents across the street, five kids in the house, a guinea pig, two gerbils and a dog, life is never dull. Jeff serves as the National Marketing and Resource Manager for Promise Keepers Canada as well as the Editorial Director for SEVEN Magazine.

Making Good Marriages Even Better 43

NOTES

44 Holy Love

COMING TO: Surrey, BC FEBRUARY 20 Ottawa, ON FEBRUARY 26-27 Winnipeg, MB MARCH 4-5 Edmonton, AB MARCH 11-12 Regina, SK MARCH 18-19

Register / More Info:

promisekeepers.ca/greater

Loving your spouse, and putting them first, sounds simple—in the beginning. As time goes by, the stresses of life buffet against us, and personalities come in conflict. It can become a challenge to live sacrificially. Only with God’s help can we truly love with a holy love.

With daily readings from Francis and Lisa Chan, Tony and Lauren Dungy, Darrin and Amie Patrick, and Promise Keepers Canada, Holy Love will take you on a four week journey to challenge and encourage you in your marriage.

www.PromiseKeepers.ca