Wind

WIND

Written by Mohammed Hassan

FADE IN: INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM - 1920’S - DAY (B&W) THREE MEN sit on the chairs next to a door labeled ‘DELIVERY’. BOBBY’S FATHER, portly, balding, blue-collar type with rolled-up sleeves and suspenders, sits on one of the chairs with an immovable scowl on his face.

One of the men reads a newspaper. He lifts his left leg up and lets out an AUDIBLE FLATUS then goes back to reading.

The door marked ‘DELIVERY’ opens and THE SURGEON, wearing bloody scrubs, enters. Bobby’s Father jumps up.

THE SURGEON Congratulations! Come in and meet your baby boy!

They both enter the Delivery Room.

INT. DELIVERY ROOM - 1920’S - DAY (B&W) BOBBY’s MOTHER, pompadour hair, constant worried look, lies on the hospital bed. BABY BOBBY in her arms.

Bobby’s Father and The Surgeon enter. Bobby’s Father holds his son in his arms.

BOBBY’S FATHER (overjoyed) Would you look at that? I have a son! Bobby.

THE SURGEON Now, there is one thing you have to know. There were complications during birth.

Bobby’s Mother puts her fingers on her chin.

BOBBY’S MOTHER Oh, no.

THE SURGEON Keep in mind that everything else is perfectly fine with him. It’s just this one thing.

BOBBY’S FATHER Spill it out already, will you, doc?

2.

THE SURGEON (burdened) I’m afraid... Bobby will never be able to fart. I’m sorry.

Bobby’s Father holds his wife in his arms as they look down at their son, worried. A FAINT FLATUS is heard but unclear from who.

EXT. SCHOOL YARD - 1930’S - DAY (B&W) LITTLE BOBBY, 10 years old, wearing a school uniform and a schoolboy cap, stands idly in the yard. A SOCCER BALL hits him on his forehead.

LITTLE BOBBY Ow! THE TWIN BULLIES, identical twins, run up to Bobby, LAUGHING and pointing.

THE TWIN BULLIES (Na na, na na na) Bobby’s not sma-art, he don’t know how to fa-art! Bobby’s not sma-art, he don’t know how to fa-art!

They take their soccer ball and run away.

Bobby notices DEBBIE, an obvious snob, with TWO GIRLS of similar age around her, passing by, clutching their books to their chests.

LITTLE BOBBY Hey, Debbie. Wanna have some ice cream?

DEBBIE (Mocking) With you? Why? You won’t know how to fart it out.

Debbie and the girls walk away, LAUGHING and GIGGLING. Bobby lowers his head, sad.

THE OLD TEACHER, white hair, wrinkled face, hunched back and walking with a cane, appears.

THE OLD TEACHER What’s the matter, boy?

3.

LITTLE BOBBY Nobody likes me because I can’t fart.

THE OLD TEACHER I was once where you are right now.

I was different. I didn’t fit in.

Do you know what I did? I left.

Here’s my advice, boy. If you don’t belong, then be gone. If you’re not like them, then you’ll never be one of them. Go away and stay away.

The Old Teacher puts his hand on his hunched back, struggles to let out a BARELY AUDIBLE FLATUS and walks away, the cane supporting his weight.

Bobby takes off his cap, throws it on the ground and heads towards the school’s gate with his head hung low.

The Twin Bullies, Debbie and the two girls all LAUGH and take turns letting out FLATUSES as they look at Bobby walk away.

INT. BOSS’ OFFICE - 1940’S - DAY (B&W) YOUNG BOBBY, 20’s, sad but innocent features, dressed in a cheap suit, sits dejected opposite THE BOSS, overweight, intimidating features, dressed in fancy suit, who puffs on a cigar.

The desk plaque between them reads ‘THE BOSS’. He takes the cigar out of his mouth.

THE BOSS (Coarse voice) Everybody in dee office is complainin’ ‘bout ya, Bobbeh. At lunch, you’re dee only one eatin’ an’ not letting your farts squeeze out against da chair in dat loud, funny sorta way. You’re makin’ us all feel uncomfortable. You’re not a good fit, Bobbeh. Now tell me what I should do witch’ya?

He puts the cigar back in his mouth.

YOUNG BOBBY If I’m not a fit, then I should quit. I’ll go away and stay away.

Young Bobby signs a paper on the desk and walks out, his head hung low.

4.

The Boss reclines in his chair, puts his hands behind his back and lets out a SERIES OF LOUD FLATUSES IN QUICK SUCCESSION as he grins.

INT. BOBBY’S FAMILY HOME - KITCHEN - 1950’S - NIGHT (B&W) BOBBY, 30’s, sad features and Clark-Gable mustache, dressed in a cheap suit, sits dejected at one end of the kitchen table.

Bobby’s Father, Bobby’s Mother and BOBBY’S LITTLE SISTER, teenager, homely features, sit at the other end, all eyeing Bobby with contempt.

BOBBY’S FATHER All the guys at work are laughing at me because of you. They say my son can’t hold a job but he can hold a fart.

BOBBY’S LITTLE SISTER All the boys at school won’t even look at me. They don’t wanna hang out with the sister of the loser who doesn’t know how to fart.

Bobby’s Mother puts her fingers on her chin.

BOBBY’S MOTHER Oh, no.

BOBBY’S LITTLE SISTER Why don’t you know how to fart, loser?

BOBBY’S FATHER Why don’t you try being normal for once? You’re making our lives miserable. You make me shout at you. Tell me, what should we do with you?

BOBBY If I’m making you shout, I should move out. I’ll go away and stay away.

Bobby picks up a suitcase, puts on his hat and walks out with his head hung low.

His family lets out SEVERAL FAINT FLATUSES.

5.

INT. BOBBY’S SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT (B&W) The apartment is tiny and untidy. Bobby lies sunken down on the bed, miserable. INCESSANT FLATUSES can be heard from behind the thin walls.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. Bobby gets up and opens the door.

MARY, 30’s, attractive features, wearing a floral dress and hat with a purse clutched in her hands, stands at the doorway, nervous.

MARY Hello, Bobby.

BOBBY Do I know you?

MARY You don’t know me but I know you.

I’ve watched you my whole life.

BOBBY You have?

MARY Sure, I have.

She steps inside the apartment, timid.

MARY (CONT’D) Why, I was there with you every step of the way. When they bullied you at school, I was hiding behind the trees, watching. When they pushed you out of work, I was standing behind the door, listening. When your family pushed you away, I was also there. Well, I’m through hiding. I want to know you and be with you.

BOBBY You do?

MARY Why, of course, I do. You see, I’m just like you, Bobby. I have the same problem you have.

6.

BOBBY (In disbelief) You do? You mean, you also can’t...

MARY That’s right. I can’t fart either.

I never told anyone before. You’re the first to know.

Bobby smiles and holds her hands.

BOBBY And you want to be with me?

MARY More than anything in the world.

Oh, Bobby, won’t you leave this wretched bed and come with me? I can make you very happy.

BOBBY You already have.

They smile as they hold each other’s hands.

EXT. TOWN - VARIOUS LOCATIONS (B&W) SERIES OF SHOTS: - Bobby and Mary hold each other as they take a carriage ride in the park.

- Bobby and Mary hold hands as they walk down the street.

- Bobby offers a rose to Mary, who takes in its scent. She smiles at Bobby and he smiles back.

- Bobby and Mary sit at a dining table. Bobby takes a spoonful of eggs and beans from his plate and feeds it to Mary. Mary takes her glass of milk and holds it to his lips as he drinks it.

- Bobby and Mary dance together under the moonlight.

- Bobby and Mary are on the carriage again. Bobby sleeps on Mary’s shoulder with a big grin on his face. Mary puts her hand on her stomach. She looks worried.

7.

INT. MARY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (B&W) Bobby enters, WHISTLING. He wears a tuxedo and holds a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He stops whistling when he hears FLATUSES. He walks to the bathroom door and puts his hand on the knob and opens the door.

Mary stands in the middle of the bathroom, holding her stomach, with her back to Bobby. She GRUNTS as she lets out SEVERAL FLATUSES. Bobby drops the flowers, stunned.

BOBBY No! Mary...

Mary turns around.

MARY Bobby! I’m sorry... I wanted to tell you.

BOBBY But all those times when you didn’t... How? MARY (weeps) I... I held it in. I’m sorry.

BOBBY You lied to me! You’re just like the others!

MARY I only did it because I wanted to be with you. Bobby, please forgive me.

BOBBY No! You’re just like them! Go away!

And stay away!

Bobby runs out of the apartment as Mary puts her head in her hands, CRYING. INT. BOBBY’S SMALL APARTMENT - DAY (B&W) Bobby lies on the bed with the sheets covering everything but his head. His eyes are narrow and his mouth is open. He SNEEZES and SNIFFLES.

8.

He hears INCESSANT FLATUSES through the thin walls.

BOBBY Keep it down out there!

He takes the phone next to him and dials a number.

BOBBY (CONT’D) Mary. I’m sick. I have no one else to call. I need you.

He throws away the phone and puts the pillow over his face.

DISSOLVE TO: Bobby now has an ice-pack over his head. He still lies under the sheets while Mary sits next to him.

MARY Why, you look as good as new already.

BOBBY Thank you, Mary. I don’t know what I would do without you.

MARY Oh, Bobby. Don’t you know I would do anything to be with you?

Bobby looks away, embarrassed.

MARY (CONT’D) What is it?

BOBBY I... I’ve never had a woman in my bed before.

MARY Ever?

BOBBY Ever.

Mary smirks seductively as she pulls up the sheets and slides between Bobby’s legs.

The hump her body shapes under the sheets travels upwards to Bobby’s inguinal region. The hump thrusts down once and Bobby’s eyes roll up and his body shivers as he makes a STRANGE NOISE. Mary reveals her head from under the sheets.

9.

MARY That was awful quick.

BOBBY I’m sorry.

Mary lifts the sheets.

MARY What’s this?

BOBBY What?

Mary swipes two fingers under the sheets and brings them out for Bobby to see. There’s a dark-colored stain on the tips.

BOBBY (CONT’D) What’s that?

MARY I don’t know. It’s brown.

She sniffs her fingers.

BOBBY (Appalled) Mary!

MARY It smells like... Chocolate.

She puts her two fingers in her mouth and immediately her eyes widen. She lets out an INCREDIBLE MOAN OF PLEASURE and falls from the bed onto her back.

Bobby springs forward and peers from over the bed.

BOBBY Mary! Are you alright?

Mary lies on the floor with her fingers still stuck between her lips. She sucks on them vigorously with her eyes closed, savoring the taste. She finally manages to pull them out and catches her breath. She smiles with her eyes still closed in orgasm.

MARY It’s divine!

BOBBY It is?

10.

She opens her eyes and sits up straight, staring at Bobby like a predator stalking a prey.

MARY I want more.

She jumps onto the bed and dives under the sheets once more.

Bobby holds onto the headboard as the tent-shaped hump Mary’s body has shaped thrusts under the sheets. He lets out another STRANGE NOISE. MARY (CONT’D) Mmmmm!

Her head rockets from under the sheets, her chocolate-smeared face staring directly at Bobby.

MARY (CONT’D) (pleading) That’s not enough! I want more!

More!

BOBBY (helpless) I... I...

She bites her lips, contemplating, then lunges across his body and grabs the phone to dial a number.

MARY I need more and I know how to get it. Hello, Loretta? You’d better come over to the address I’m about to give you right away. There’s something you must see! Bring Maude with you too. Oh, and you absolutely must bring Marlene! Come to think of it, bring as many girls as you can!

EXT. OUTSIDE BOBBY’S SMALL APARTMENT - DAY (B&W) A taxi pulls up to the sidewalk. TWO WOMEN come out and stand at the end of A LINE OF EIGHT WOMEN that stretches along the sidewalk to the building’s door.

INT. BOBBY’S SMALL APARTMENT - STAIRS - DAY (B&W) SIX WOMEN stand along the stairs that lead up to Bobby’s open apartment door, powdering their noses and applying rouge.

11.

INT. BOBBY’S SMALL APARTMENT - DAY (B&W) FIVE WOMEN stand in line from the open door to the end of the apartment where Bobby sits on the bed with his legs spread apart and a moving hump under the sheets.

He wears sunglasses, a fedora hat and has a cigar between his teeth.

Mary and MARLENE, bombshell blonde, sit by his sides. Mary takes away the cigar and dips her fingers into a can of chocolate as Marlene holds a glass of juice to his mouth for him to sip from the straw.

A WOMAN comes out from under the sheets with chocolate smeared over her mouth and the woman directly behind her in line applies rouge to her lips then dives under the sheets.

Marlene takes back the juice and Bobby puts his two hands behind his head, resting his back against the pillow on the headboard with a wide grin on his face.

MONTAGE - NEWSPAPERS - A newspaper spins then comes to a stop. The front page reads: ‘TALK OF THE TOWN: Man’s Loins Produce Fine Chocolate’.

- Another newspaper spins then stops, revealing Bobby’s picture on the front page, surrounded by several women latching on his legs and the headline: ‘LADIES’ MAN: Women Find Chocolate Man Irresistible’.

- A different newspaper spins and comes to a stop. Bobby’s photo is in the center of the front page, wearing a tuxedo and standing in front of a mansion and Rolls Royce. The headline under the photo reads: ‘OVERNIGHT SUCCESS: Fame & Fortune For Chocolate Loverman’.

EXT. OUTSIDE BOBBY’S SMALL APARTMENT - NIGHT (B&W) A CROWD OF WOMEN huddle outside on the sidewalk outside the apartment’s door, pressed against each other, each one trying to enter first.

On the other side of the street, SEVERAL MEN gather in one spot, holding suitcases and bags. They stare at the apartment with contempt.

12.

The Boss, from Bobby’s old job, stands at the end of the congregated women, trying to get the attention of THE BOSS’ WIFE, average-features with a good figure, whose attention is focused on the women in front of her.

THE BOSS (pleading) You’re endin’ our marriage ‘cause o’ dis? It’s just chocolate.

The women GASP in unison and set off on a round of DISGRUNTLED MURMURS as they shoot hateful glances at him. His wife is in disbelief.

THE BOSS’ WIFE Just chocolate? It makes me happy!

Not that you would know anything about that!

She turns away as he lowers his gaze and heads to the group of men, defeated. He picks up his suitcase from the sidewalk.

THE BOSS Let’s go, fellas. Der’s nuttin’ left for us here.

The men lower their gaze and walk away as the women continue to push and shove their way into the apartment’s door.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY (B&W) Bobby and Mary sit opposite the desk while THE DOCTOR, wearing glasses and a lab coat, reads a file in his hands.

Bobby, wearing a tuxedo, seems tired and Mary, wearing a fancy dress, swirls her finger into a small can of chocolate.

THE DOCTOR There’s nothing wrong with you, Bobby. We still don’t know why your body produces chocolate but it’s edible so it’s harmless.

Mary sucks the chocolate from her finger.

MARY That’s good, isn’t it?

THE DOCTOR However, there are two things you should know.

The Doctor removes his glasses, dramatically.

13.

THE DOCTOR (CONT’D) One, you will never be able to produce anything but chocolate so you can never have children.

BOBBY Never?

THE DOCTOR Never. And two, you must never eat your own chocolate, not even a small amount. Even a single drop can be fatal.

Bobby and Mary look at each other, surprised and worried.

INT. BOBBY’S MANSION - NIGHT (B&W) Bobby, still dressed in his tuxedo, stands in front of a table, on which are several bottles of alcohol. He has a bottle in his hand. He chugs down the bottle as he sways left and right, inebriated.

Mary comes down from the stairs and stands behind him.

MARY Bobby, you need to stop doing this to yourself.

BOBBY Why? What’s the point? My life means nothing. I’ll never have a son. That’s all I ever really wanted.

MARY I didn’t know you wanted a son.

BOBBY Of course, you didn’t. You don’t care about me. All you care about is feeding your filthy habit.

He takes another chug from the bottle.

BOBBY (CONT’D) You’re just like the others. You just want my chocolate.

MARY How dare you? After all I’ve done for you. All I did was to make you happy.

14.

She runs back up the stairs then stops and turns back to look at him.

MARY (CONT’D) I’m glad you can’t have a son.

You’d be a horrible father.

BOBBY Go away!

Bobby spins around and throws the bottle at Mary, who quickly runs up the stairs as the bottle misses her and BREAKS on one of the balusters.

BOBBY (CONT’D) (to himself) And stay away.

He puts his hands on his head, devastated. He reaches for the door and exits, distraught.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (SNOW)(B&W) Bobby struggles to walk, ploughing one foot after the other in the thick snow.

He stops when he sees trees in front of him and wipes the tears from his eyes.

THE DOCTOR (V.O.) You can never have children...

Never eat your own chocolate... A single drop can be fatal... You can never have children.

He slides his hand into his pants, moves it for a second and then brings it out. There’s chocolate on his fingertips.

He holds the chocolate near his open mouth, just about to eat it... He stops and closes his mouth. He sniffs his fingers.

He lowers his fingers and sniffs the air around him.

He turns around and his eyes immediately widen.

In the distance, there’s a huge dark-colored cloud of smoke climbing the air above the town.

He runs as fast as he can, back towards the town.

15.

EXT. TOWN - NIGHT (SNOW)(B&W) Bobby walks the streets of the town with his eyes stretched open in disbelief.

The town is engulfed in a green cloud and there’s pandemonium in the streets. LOUD AND FREQUENT FLATUSES can be heard in the chaos. SEVERAL WOMEN run in every direction, holding their backsides and SCREAMING. WOMAN #1 Help! Help!

WOMAN #2 Make it stop! Somebody, make it stop!

Bobby keeps walking, absorbing the phenomena around him.

MARLENE falls nearby, punching and kicking the ground in agony while holding on to her backside as SEVERAL LOUD FLATUSES escape through her hands.

The Boss’ Wife shows up in front of Bobby. With one hand on her behind, she points an accusatory finger at Bobby.

THE BOSS’ WIFE You! This is all your fault! You did this!

BOBBY I did this?

THE BOSS’ WIFE I ate nothing else but your chocolate for three days and now I can’t stop farting!

BOBBY (thinking) I did this...

A LOUD FLATUS comes out against her will and she puts both hands on her backside.

THE BOSS’ WIFE (crying) Please, make it stop. It burns!

A STRING OF FLATUSES comes out of her and she falls to her knees.

THE BOSS’ WIFE (CONT’D) I can’t take it anymore!

16.

Bobby smiles.

BOBBY (happy) I did this! I did this!

He grabs her by the shoulders.

BOBBY (CONT’D) (ecstatic) I did this!

She falls to the ground, holding her behind.

BOBBY (CONT’D) Mary!

Bobby darts across the street.

INT. BOBBY’S MANSION - NIGHT (SNOW)(B&W) Bobby pushes the door wide open.

BOBBY Mary?

He runs up the stairs.

INT. BOBBY’S MANSION - BEDROOM - NIGHT (SNOW)(B&W) Bobby opens the door.

BOBBY Mary?

ONE LOUD FLATUS is heard from behind the bathroom door. Bobby runs towards it and opens it.

INT. BOBBY’S MANSION - BATHROOM - NIGHT (SNOW)(B&W) Bobby opens the door and finds Mary sitting on the toilet, clutching her stomach.

MARY (guilty) Bobby! Stay away! I don’t want you to hear this!

She looks away and lets out a FAINT FLATUS. Bobby kneels on the floor in front of her and holds her hands.

17.

The sounds of INCESSANT FLATUSES and DISTANT SCREAMS can be heard from outside.

BOBBY Oh, Mary, don’t you know I love hearing yours? No more going away or staying away. From now on, you don’t have to hold it in anymore.

I understand everything now. I’ll never be able to fart but that’s okay because I make others fart. I make you fart.

MARY Do you mean it?

BOBBY Of course, I do. We’ll be happy together.

MARY What about having a son?

BOBBY We’ll adopt one. We’ll find the only boy in the world who never wants to fart!

MARY And who absolutely hates chocolate!

BOBBY I love you, Mary.

MARY I love you, Bobby.

They both pucker their lips and lean forward as Mary lets out a LOUD AND LONG FLATUS and Bobby puts his hand into his pants and moves it. They kiss.

THE END