Smartass

SMARTASS

Written by Mohammed Hassan

FADE IN: EXT. BEACH BAR RUINS - DAY PROFESSOR BINGO, old man with silver hair and a distinguishable silver beard with pointy ends, sits at the ruins of a beach bar by the shore. He’s wearing a pink, toweled bathrobe and black jump boots. A glass of water with an umbrella sits in front of him. He greets us with a warm smile and a nod of the head.

PROFESSOR BINGO Hello, up there. I’m Professor Bingo and it might interest you to know that I’m the last human being on Earth. What happened to the rest? Well, I sorta killed them all.

He chuckles and scratches the back of his hand.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) Now, I don’t know if you have the same human shortcoming of jumping to erroneous conclusions without substantiated evidence but just to make sure, let me present my argument as to why they needed to be eliminated and also give you my credentials as to why I was the perfect one for the job.

He takes a breath and puts his elbows on the bar, joining his fingers together.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) Because of a genetic mutation, I was born with an accelerated learning rate. I was able to construct and read full sentences at the age of 4 and I was accepted into several colleges at the age of 11. By the time I was 19 I was a Nobel laureate and my methods of engineering synthetic living organisms had revolutionized the scientific world.

He plays with the pointy ends of his beard.

2.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) By creating identical living tissue, I was able to cure cancer by shifting the neoplasia to the engineered cells, and by a simple surgical procedure I was able to put an end to all physical handicaps by replacing the dysfunctional body parts with synthetic replicas.

He sighs and puts his hands on his knees.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) After I fixed these small physical problems I moved on to more complex issues, like how to cure humans on the inside. I studied bigotry, racism, sexism, prejudice, contempt and hatred of all kinds. Obviously, my aim was to rid the human race of these imperfections. Now..

He picks up the glass of water and starts walking towards the shore, still looking at us.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) The more I dug deeper into these mental diseases, the more I realized something about the human race in general. It was inevitably imperfect. Every time I eliminated a mental condition, I discovered several subsets of imperfections at its root. I concluded that human beings have the most tenacious survival rate out of all the other species on this planet because their evolution had advanced to the point of using these mental impulses as motive to eliminate any threat. This was bad news to me because it meant they weren’t gonna go anytime soon.

He stops by the shore. Tires, cans, metal junk and various remnants of human civilization are scattered all over the shoreline.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) Try as I might, I couldn’t find a way to advance the human race to the next level.

(MORE)

3.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) There were too many types of humans and they all had their own set of mental conditions. There were just too many variables for me to settle on a standard equation. That is, until I looked at it from a different angle.

He raises his finger and takes a sip of the water.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) The whole purpose of humankind is to progress, right? And these variables were obstacles in the way of its progress, right? So I did the calculations and I found that the only way the odds of progress would be in favor of the species is if the entire human population was reduced to only one. This one person would have to have the prime of the species’ good qualities and little to none of its bad ones.

He rubs the back of his hand again.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) That part was the easiest because all my life, people have been proclaiming that I’m the smartest man alive, the savior of mankind, the unrivaled genius and so on.

Plus, I’m asexual and I never experience loneliness. I had no bias or prejudice towards any human’s genetic formation or personal opinions. So it was clear to me that I was the perfect choice to survive my own holocaust.

He starts swirling the umbrella in the glass.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) There was no point even thinking I was wrong about this because my calculations have been nothing short of immaculate since I was 13 years old. I did the math over and over again and every time it came out the same result.

(MORE)

4.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) That’s when I decided to just accept it and unleashed a toxic gas that spread rapidly through every Oxygen molecule in the air. Er, not before I took the antidote, of course.

He puts his free hand in the pocket slit of the robe.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) So, as I predicted, the human species dwindled down to only one survivor and the odds of its progress are now greatly enhanced.

Now that I’ve explained everything about me, let me talk about you.

He points at us.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) I know you’re up there. After my work with the human species, I spent the better half of my life studying alien life forms and I calculated not only the favorable odds of your existence but the odds of your precise location. I know you’re watching this and this is my message to you.

He grins and looks upwards at the sky.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) All my life, I dreamed of exploring the cosmos, venturing into that great universe and unlocking its mysteries. I know that because you’re highly evolved species, you’re on a quest of knowledge just like me. That’s why I’m sending you this in the hope that you would accept me into your fold and let me join you in your intergalactic expeditions. I can tell you with full confidence that I’m the perfect human choice for the job.

In fact, I’m the only human choice for the job. Even if I wasn’t, you’d have probably picked me anyway. So thank you for listening and I hope you’ll give me the courtesy of meeting with me when you’ve reached a decision.

5.

He smiles, gives a quick nod of the head and brings out a tiny remote control from his pocket. He points it at our direction and CLICKS. BLACK SCREEN: SUPER: “A PERFECTLY CALCULATED AMOUNT OF TIME LATER” EXT. BEACH BAR RUINS - DAY Professor Bingo stands by the shore, dressed in a lab coat.

He observes the horizon as he waits with his hands cupped together.

A light FLICKERS in the horizon, prompting him to grin. He puts his hands down his sides and checks his person to see if he’s not missing anything.

He hears a LOUD THUD from behind and immediately spins around.

A six-foot tall cubicle is implanted in the sand, a few feet away from him. The cubicle’s door opens and THE ALIEN, regular young guy, wears a black T-shirt, denim jeans and sneakers, steps out. He stands facing Professor Bingo with a friendly smile.

THE ALIEN Hey, man. You look surprised.

PROFESSOR BINGO I don’t know why I expected you to come in a UFO. THE ALIEN That would be a waste of space and resources since we already have teleportation.

PROFESSOR BINGO I guess it’s just the sentimentalist in me.

THE ALIEN Were you expecting antennae too?

PROFESSOR BINGO No, no, of course not. Alright...

He rubs his hands together in anticipation.

6.

PROFESSOR BINGO (CONT’D) I’m ready.

THE ALIEN (bemused) Would it matter if you’re ready or not?

PROFESSOR BINGO Well, yes, I suppose it would, assuming your answer is yes.

THE ALIEN Answer? Oh, yeah, I forgot about that! You really haven’t figured this out on your own yet?

Professor Bingo doesn’t have an answer.

THE ALIEN (CONT’D) Alright, lemme see if I can make you understand this from a nonhuman, intergalactic point of view.

He rests his arm on the cubicle behind him.

THE ALIEN (CONT’D) First of all, you were right about us. We do explore all parts of the universe and we always seek knowledge and perfection. How do we reach perfection? Simple, we eliminate the imperfections. We go from planet to planet and kill whatever is imperfect. Now, we have had an eye on your busy planet for centuries. Every time we thought we were ready to eliminate the predominant human race, we found that it was impossible.

The Alien removes a tiny speck of lint from The Professor’s lab coat and flicks it away.

THE ALIEN (CONT’D) You see, there was such a vast difference between one human and the next that we just didn’t know how to pen them all down to one group. For every prejudiced bigot we found a selfless martyr. For every neglecting father, we found a caring mother.

(MORE)

7.

THE ALIEN (CONT’D) For every cripple we found an athlete and for every idiot we found a genius. Really, the only reason we didn’t annihilate your whole species was because there was so much variety in it, so many variables that it didn’t make sense to conclude they were all destined for imperfection. We decided to let them go on. That is, until we received your message.

PROFESSOR BINGO Crap.

The Professor presses his thumb and finger against the bridge of his nose.

THE ALIEN Yes, now you’re getting the picture! You have no idea how relieved we were when we got your message. You essentially made our job a lot easier and we didn’t have to do anything. We’re still laughing at it back home! Now, there’s no more variety and no longer a reason to let Earth people go on living. All we have to do now is eliminate the last remaining one and we’re good to go!

PROFESSOR BINGO But surely you wouldn’t eliminate me if I was the perfect specimen of human life form?

THE ALIEN But you’re not, though, are yah?

You only thought that because other humans, who by your own admission weren’t perfect, said that they think you are. Not to mention, you contradicted yourself when you said you had no bias towards their genetic formation when you basically killed everyone who didn’t share your genetic mutation of being a fast learner. Plus, you’re kind of a douche.

PROFESSOR BINGO Why am I a douche?

8.

THE ALIEN Well, who ruins his own planet?

PROFESSOR BINGO Are you saying if you found your planet to be imperfect you wouldn’t eliminate it?

THE ALIEN Pfft, of course not! Why would we obliterate our own planet? We live there!

PROFESSOR BINGO But it’s imperfect!

THE ALIEN So is a lack of common sense!

PROFESSOR BINGO I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been proven wrong in my life.

This is so unexpected.

THE ALIEN Really? I wouldn’t say it’s unexpected. I’s amusingly ironic, though.

PROFESSOR BINGO Are you going to kill me now?

THE ALIEN Well... You are an imperfect being.

Professor Bingo puts his hands on his shaking knees.

PROFESSOR BINGO I think I’m gonna faint.

THE ALIEN Look, don’t be too discouraged.

It’s not all bad. Our methods of killing are much more humane than yours.

The Alien presents his small finger.

THE ALIEN (CONT’D) Blow my pinky.

PROFESSOR BINGO What?

9.

THE ALIEN You wanted to sorta explore space, right? That was what you dreamed of your whole life? Well, blow my pinky and your dream will come true.

PROFESSOR BINGO I’ll explore space?

THE ALIEN Every bit of it.

Professor Bingo leans forward and puts his lips around The Alien’s small finger. He looks up. The Alien gives him a reassuring nod. He blows...

Suddenly, his face freezes with his eyes bulged wide open...

The Professor’s body starts inflating like a balloon... His lab coat expands as his arms and legs remain the same size...

His body keeps expanding until it grows several hundred feet in height and width...

His head slides away from The Alien’s small finger with a frozen expression on his face, his eyes still bulged out, his nostrils flaring and his lips in the shape of an ‘O’...

He starts to float upward in the sky, his head, arms and legs dwarfed next to his extremely large body...

The Alien smiles as he looks at him floating away...

EXT. BLUE SKIES - DAY Professor Bingo continues to fly up through the blue skies in increasing speed...

EXT. OUTER SPACE Professor Bingo floats gently along the empty space, his face still frozen with bulged eyes, flared nostrils and lips in the shape of an ‘O’...

END

10.