What Makes a GOOD PARENT?

BY REV. LEAH QUARLES

I’m far from being a mom like mine. June raised five children, one with a physical handicap, while working full-time as an air traffic controller. My dad, a pilot, was often away weeks at a time. So parenting fell almost entirely on her plate. Back home in Pennsylvania, when my mom babysat Christine, I’d return home to a fed, bathed, and ready-forbed child. What’s more–the house was cleaner than I’d left it. Now that is a real mom.

It’s certainly a temptation to feel like a rookie when there are thousands of parenting books. (Don’t get me started on social media posts.)

Everyone has something to say related to raising children. But the truth of the matter is, there is no rule book. No “one size fits all” method. Trust me–I’ve tried them–all of them. Yet there is one method I do rely on. Presence. And the thing is, I firmly believe it’s a blessing for children and adults as well.

When I’m tempted to do it all or I’m simply distracted by the demands of life (or let’s be real–my phone and social media), I recall a Gospel story (Luke 10:41-42). Martha and Mary host Jesus and his disciples for dinner. (No pressure, ladies.) Martha is distracted by all the preparations while Mary sits at Jesus’ feet. Martha grows frustrated with Mary’s complete neglect of hostess responsibilities (who wouldn’t?) and it bubbles out of her in the form of a complaint to Jesus.

Now, if you’re a Martha type, you might not want to hear Jesus’ response to her complaint. Jesus points out that Martha is concerned about many things but only one thing is truly needed–food. Sure, if Martha hadn’t made such wonderful plans, the meal may have been less special, less fancy, etc. Yet, because Martha busied herself with these plans, she missed the better thing that was happening in her midst–sitting in Jesus’ presence.

The same can be said for us. The temptation is certainly there to keep the picture perfect house, prepare a wonderful meal and provide every amazing opportunity possible for our children. In other words; we try to do it all. But is it all necessary? These are good things, however, should we be asking ourselves, “Is this the better thing right now?”

In the book, The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired, authors Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. explain, “...kids are most likely to become resilient, caring, and strong when parents show up. We don’t have to be perfect, but the ways in which we show up (or fail to show up) influence who our kids become and how their brains get wired.”

In our attempts for greatness (however you define it), we run the risk of missing the better thing right in front of us–simply being present with our children. If we want them to do well in life (emotionally, educationally, socially, and relationally) we have to parent with presence. This is actually hopeful news for us. It’s not about perfection or how many amazing things money can buy, it’s about us. It’s about love. You, dear parent, are enough.

This does take some thought. Siegel and Bryson ask, “How do you think your early family life impacted the ways your brain developed in response to those experiences, either directly or by how you had to learn to adapt, or perhaps even survive, in the face of challenging events?”

They go on to explain, “Parents who show up are the ones who have made sense of their own life experiences… Inside we come to understand how the past has shaped who we are in the present in a way that frees us to be what we want to be now and in the future. And outside, we learn how to have an open, receptive awareness–to have parental presence–so that our child feels felt, understood, and connected to us. Making sense and being present: That’s what showing up is all about.”

Learn how to practice presence–not just with your children, but with yourself and Jesus too. So put the phone away. Leave work at work. Log off in time for a family meal. Disconnect in order to connect with God. Think about the past and how it informs your present. Get outside in your bare feet and connect with yourself and creation–how are you doing? What are you feeling? From “where” are you parenting? For out of that time of presence will flow life giving relationships.

REV.

LEAH QUARLES,

Associate Pastor

serves Pinnacle as for Family

Ministries

and Congregational Life. She and her husband, Justin, have one daughter, Christine.

BY BOB ARMSTRONG & RUTH O'BRIEN

Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; the Lord’s loving kindness endures forever. ~ Psalm 107:1

The Pinnacle Foundation was established to support the ongoing work of Pinnacle’s ministries, ensuring Pinnacle’s faith community and works to the glory of God continue for future generations. The Legacy Circle of the Foundation provides a way for members and friends of Pinnacle to include Pinnacle and our ministries in their estate and other long-term planning. The Legacy Circle is made up of Pinnacle members who have committed to this long-term giving. Legacy Circle members Katherine & Terry Coult have included Pinnacle in their estate planning and had this to say when asked why: “Pinnacle Presbyterian Church is our tranquility base. We find joy and peace in worship as well as opportunities to serve the PPC Community today. Legacy Giving provides the window to share our tranquility base with future generations.”

The Coults have been involved in various ministries and committees at Pinnacle, and their hope is that through the Legacy Circle their involvement will continue through their giving – long into the future. Terry had this to add: “I cannot express enough how important it is to educate members of the opportunity or existence of legacy giving. Currently members have several legacy options to select from; several of which will provide revenue streams to help offset operating expenses and mission giving. The Foundation currently offers scholarships to students. Yea!”

There are many ways to make a legacy gift to the Pinnacle foundation and ways to direct giving to various areas of Pinnacle’s ministry, including local and global ministries, music, scholarships, property maintenance and improvement, and senior adult ministry. Watch for future opportunities to learn more about the foundation and especially the Legacy Circle.

To learn more please contact a Pinnacle Foundation Trustee, the church office, or visit us online at pinnaclepres.org/pinnaclefoundation.

BOB ARMSTRONG has been a member of Pinnacle since 2003. He has served as a deacon, elder, head usher, greeter, and currently as president of the Foundation.

RUTH O'BRIEN has been a member of Pinnacle since 2003, serving as an elder twice including work on the Personnel, Adult Education committees and co-chair of the Visioning Committee. She currently serves as a Stephen Minister and vice president of the Foundation.