DR. PATTY JENSEN

Let Them Fail

Challenges of Parenting Today

BY PATTY JENSEN, Ph.D.

There are many challenges that parents face today that have not existed in previous generations— protecting children from the dangers of social media; knowing that your kids can use Google to determine whether you are actually the smartest person in the world (or even smart at all); and/or providing a sense of hope in a world that is becoming increasingly hostile. However, I maintain that the single most difficult challenge for parents today is not altogether different from what parents have been confronted with throughout history: resisting the urge to protect children from failure and confusing their failure as your own.

In many ways it seems strange, almost mean, to embrace failure for our children. If we have the knowledge, skill, or understanding to keep something bad from happening to them, why not protect them from those feelings of disappointment, discouragement, or shame?

I have witnessed countless parents succumb to this impulse as a professional educator. Mom drives back to school after dropping off her kids because she realizes one of them forgot their water bottle in the van. Dad intervenes in his child’s science project to help him stand out among

his peers. Parents insist that their children earn full and even extra credit to achieve the highest possible grade point average.

While it seems harmless and completely intuitive, the repeated “rescuing” of our kids teaches them:

• To rely on someone else for their success,

• That failure is terminal and something to avoid, and

• That our job as parents is to keep them from experiencing discomfort.

To avoid such outcomes, we need to teach our children how to fail, so that they can recover, learn, and do better in the future (see Psalm 119:71). Children are not going to dehydrate because they forgot their water bottle at home. Children learn nothing from their dad showing off his astrophysics-degree in their 5th grade Science Fair project. And, believe it or not, grades really do not matter all that much in the grand scheme of things.

Failure gives our kids a healthy understanding of their limits as individuals and underscores who they are in God’s eyes (Romans 3:23). I am certain that God delights in my successes just as I find joy when my girls do something great. I also know that God is sovereign when I fail and wants me to feel and even seek the gravity of his sovereignty when my pride is dashed. It is only through confessing our failures and striving to walk a life in God’s light that will lead When I struggle with the impulse to rescue my children, I try to think of the interaction between Jesus and Peter at the last supper. Jesus forecasts Peter’s failure, telling him that he will deny him three times before the rooster crows. Certainly, Christ had the knowledge, skill, and understanding to keep Peter from feeling the absolute disappointment he felt when the rooster crowed the third time. And yet, Jesus let Peter fail. This had to be hard for both of them.

However, by letting Peter fail, Jesus created the conditions for him to seek redemption. Just as Jesus knew that Peter was going to fail, he also knew that he would be resurrected, come back to Peter, and charge him with leading the church. Knowing exactly what Peter would say, Jesus asks Peter if he loves him three times and three times Peter gets the answer correct. Indeed, Peter seems almost exasperated to have to answer correctly three times because doing so calls to mind his previous failure. And yet, that memory of failure, more than the correct answers themselves, emboldens Peter to sacrifice his life to follow Jesus more closely, conscientiously, sacrificially. Our own sense of brokenness, however many times we are reminded of it, should call us to do the same.

As parents, I encourage you to draw a sharp line for your children between failure in this world and failure as a believer. We avoid failure in this world to protect our fragile sense of pride, so that we aren’t identified by others in a negative way. We affirm failure as believers because doing so allows us to draw nearer to our savior, since the only success worth having, truly the only one we need, is given at the foot of the cross.

Point your kids in the right direction—when they’re old they won’t be lost. ~ Proverbs 22:6

DR. PATTY JENSEN is the Executive Director of Elementary Leadership for Cave Creek Unified School District. Dr. Jensen was the principal at Lone Mountain Elementary before moving into her new role. Patty, her husband Dr. Kyle Jensen, ASU Professor, and their three daughters Lia, Zadie and Gwendolyn all attend Pinnacle Presbyterian Church regularly.