Pine Press: Fallaback, ya'll

the pine press

volume 42, issue 2

This publication The Pine Press is almost as old as the SHC, and thousands of articles have been submitted. In our office, we’ve got every issue ever published.

If you’re interested, you can read about the old co-ops that we helped start, the annual raft race we held against the sororities and fraternities on the Grand River, or the best idea in SHC’s history: the Vesta Memorial Swimming Pool.

To keep this publication kick-ass, you should submit an article. Your submission could be an illustration, a proposals, a short story, photographs, poetry, or any other appropriate genre. Writing for the Pine Press is a cooperative rite of passage!

Submissions are always welcome. education@msu.coop

§ If you have ideas for events, please tell your house Education Officer or contact the Vice President of Education, Brendan LaCroix.

We’ll make it happen.

Table of Contents 0. @_droo’s Top 10 Tweets

Andrew Lovecraft, Elsworth 1.

Letter to the membership

Korey Hurni, Board of Directors 2–3.

Pirate Row (photographs)

Sonja Trierweiler, Vesta 4.

Occupy Abstract

Kevin Lynch, Bower 5.

Alternative Spartan Breaks

Katie Courville, New Community 6.

“She’s got really nice bone structure.”

Darius Kernicus, Toad Lane 7. fallings of Fall

Kevin Lynch, Bower 8–9.

The Fall Harvest

Brandon Grenier, Orion 10.

Something that I find absolutely silly and others find

completely normal

bz, Ferency 11.

An Open Letter to People who Disdain Silliness

Josh W.K., Avalon 12.

Fallaback, Velocirafter-style

Brenton Huggins, Raft Hill 13.

M.A.S.H.

Andrea Goossens, Phoenix 14.

“Frank Zappa was trying to kill me.”

Hedrick 15.

Untitled article

Rachel Barth, Miles Davis

p o 1 T 0 s ’ T o weets o r d _ @ 10. @Skrillex is the Jar Jar Binks of electronic music

16 RTS, 4 Favs (Favstar.fm’s popular mention.)

9. VEGETA WHAT DOES THE SCOUTER SAY ABOUT HIS GENDER? 8. *makes out with hipster girl and moves her bangs aside to reveal an infinitely expansive wormhole that takes you to Coachella* 7. *DJ leaves club microphone on* “anyway, as I was saying, I am an adult baby diaper lover” - DJ *record scratch* “OH HELL NAW” - Da club

by Andrew Lovecraft

6. CUCK MY WIFE INTO PIECES THIS IS MY LAST DIVORCE. 5. Gucci_Mane_talking_about_Topanga_from_Boy_Meets_ World_for_an_hour.mp3 4. Got pulled over for listening to DUBSTEP too loud!! The cop shot me in my fucking face :( Fuck the police!!!

3. #youknowyoughetto if your booty has not stopped clapping and raw skin is flinging off of it with every painful slap.

2. “I love Mad Men.” - someone with a low IQ 1. I need help :( I was trying to clap my booty (just once okay) and now it won’t stop and my stepdad is on his way home he will kill me!!!

Fellow Co-opers, So, for those of you who actually read my articles, you know two things: 1) My articles are long and could be substantially cut if I had the time or motivation.

2) I convert the nitty-gritty of the long, arduous Board meetings into something palatable for the general co-op readership.

For this edition of the Pine Press, I will keep everything tight, clean and neat.

Last board meeting we discussed really one important thing, and for those who already know what it is you can stop reading here.

Two Words: Howland House.

They are home sweet home.

The last Pine Press’s cover was graced with the picture of this house, so I don’t even need to detail how beautiful it is.

For people who won’t be living in the system next year (like myself), talk to your housemates who you believe to be embody a strong cooperative spirit, and encourage to apply to live in this gorgeous new house. In order to kick-start a culture, Howland will need strong foundational members. ~ Korey Hurni

1

2

3

Occupy Abstract

submitted by Kevin Lynch

We the 99%, the downtrodden, the unemployed and forever ignored have found a new occupation: OccupyLansing.

Oct. 22th, at 1:00pm, at Reuters Park, the Occupy Lansing Music and Solidarity Festival.

Oct. 15th, at 10:00am, on the lawn of our fair capitol it begins.

Oct. 12th, planning meeting at 7:30pm at The NorthStar Center What are our demands you ask? Come help us formulate them. We plan to use direct democracy via a General Assembly. We are assembling due to a common frustration with an economy that works for the 1% at the expense of the rest of us. The rest of us are leaderless, as it should be. We don’t need a corporate spokesperson – what is nowadays known as a politician – to be our big man. It takes a village, or so they say, and it’s high time for us villagers to stand up to the corporate kings of this country. This shall be in solidarity with our bold brothers and sisters in the ongoing Occupy Wall Street protests. In the tradition of non-violent civil disobedience we aim to give voice, and perhaps some shouts as well, to the 99% who have been silenced by the interests of the elite. Our weapons are our questions: Why did they get a bailout, and the people get sold out? Why do they use our money for endless war? Why do they directly and dictatorially control the content of the media? Why do they hold a new generation hostage to debt from education, while gutting pensions for the older generations? Our questions are many, and yet to be answered. Join us in posing them.

Note: The NorthStar Center is located at 106 Lathrop St., Lansing

4

It’s fall again. Now that your house’s naked calendar pic has been taken and you’re pondering whether to start creating your Halloween costume yet or not, you probably haven’t really thought about what you’re doing during winter break or spring break. If you are looking for a totally new week long experience in a service-oriented setting, check out:

Alternative Spartan Breaks ASB offers international trips to places like Jamaica and Puerto Rico and domestic trips to places like Chicago, New Orleans, Washington D.C. working with issues from disaster relief to HIV/ AIDS education. You don’t want to sit at home for a week. Why not meet other progressive students like yourself while participating in a week long service-learning experience? Participant applications are due on OCTOBER 31st at 5pm. For more information check out our website asb.msu.edu. Apply online.

by Katie Courville

5

“She’s got really nice bone structure”

by Darius Kernicus (Darin Kern)

After a long night of atmospheric rock and slight hearing loss in my right ear (stage left is right, right?), public absurdity seemed fitting. Oh, and that fresh vomit pile presented so exquisitely 5 feet behind by Molly on “molly” – make sure you don’t warn anyone else. Wait? Did they really just sweep up the puke….like…with a broom???

First order of business for silliness in the masses: staring in public areas.

This is an art-form truly underutilized. The key is to vary the eye contact from left, to right, to chin, with an emphasis on chin. From a distance, they won’t quite be able to pin where you’re looking. Don’t forget to throw a sneer or wink in for good measure.

At a sporting event, concert, or public offering to the gods, the all-so-typical “woooo” or “yeeah” will not suffice. You’re an adult, it’s time to start taking responsibility for creative calls. Clicks, yips, reverse whistles, quacks, funny animal names, “Rick Perry for President”, are all acceptable.

Awkward body positioning may just be the most fun though. Yes, it’s just like your high school psych class homework assignment. Walk backwards down the sidewalk; maybe sidestep if you’re feeling athletic. Stand opposite the door in the elevator. Wear your backpack on the front (doubles as an abstinence technique).

With a little work, you be a social buffoon. The key is to commit to it. All of these things will help you forget about your hatred of crowds and inhaling the exhalations of thousands of others.

6

fallings of Fall

by Kevin Lynch

dripping red, dead, sheddings, trees bleed for us in this season. emitting sickly secretions, it’s that time of year for Demeter again: revealing attention for what is “situated below.”

“This eruptive force accumulates in those who are necessarily situated below. Communist workers appear to the bourgeois to be as ugly and dirty as hairy sexual organs, or lower parts; sooner or later there will be a scandalous eruption in the course of which the asexual noble heads of the bourgeois will be chopped off. The erotic revolutionary and volcanic deflagrations antagonize the heavens.” Georges Bataille, The Solar Anus it is in this period of pre-flaccidity that we find ourselves now. the womb sheds red indeed, but so too do noble steeds stiffen their stances: a paradox of excess. fear for the sticky whiteness of winter as you wish, but at least relish the funky stench of the flowing and falling reds, oranges, and yellows as you’re circulating in the bulbous, throbbing schedule that is midtermocity… as you’re continuing to penetrate further and further into the semester.

“A man gets up as brusquely as a specter in a coffin and falls in the same way. He gets up a few hours later and then he falls again, and the same thing happens every day; this great coitus with the celestial atmosphere is regulated by the terrestrial rotation around the sun.” Mr. Bataille again, The Solar Anus again

moments of ascension that this season provides. but struggle to remain conscious at the same time. this is the time before the death of the year. a time of radical epiphanies, hardening, for the even more radical expulsions in the coming months. it is a time of intense and celebratory lubrication: harvest, Halloween, Thanksgiving. all I’m saying is draw it out as long as you can. torture yourselves you masochists out there. change positions and let the fluid of the times flow, drench, quench your libidinal lurkings.

“Animal life comes entirely from the movement of the seas and, inside bodies, life continues to come from salt water. The sea, then, has played the role of the female organ that liquefies under the excitation of the penis. The sea continuously jerks off. Solid elements, contained and brewed in water animated by erotic movement, shoot out in the form of flying fish.” ~ you know no seas here in michigan. just lakes. get out there before they freeze and snatch some flying fish, eh?

thus, I say, “fine”, lose yourself in the waning

7

The Fall Harvest

by Brandon Grenier

Fall is upon us! That wonderful time of the year when once our ancestors would reap everything that they had worked so hard for all year. Each autumn there were copious feasts, people danced, drank and celebrated the fruits of their labor; that was before. As a society, we’ve lost the joy of a good harvest. In fact, many of you have likely never “harvested” anything. Lucky for you, I’ve stumbled across a profitable solution that any cooper can use to regain their natural born right to harvest.

According to the 2008 American Journal of Transplantation, anywhere from 5-10% of all transplanted organs are purchased on the black-market. This lucrative business is just perfect for anyone looking to make a few quick dollars (as most coopers are), and has access to ‘product’. You probably live with anywhere from 5 to 20 other people, all ripe with organs ready to be traded. Don’t just let them go to waste! In the spirit of cooperation, your housemates will be glad to share. I have detailed here a quick and dirty list of directions to get you started on your way to your new career as a human organ harvester.

8

Step 1: Pick a healthy victim, er, volunteer to donate to your cause, and select an organ you’d like to sell.

Step 2: Fill your bathtub with ice, to ensure your housemate has a speedy recovery. Remember to refill the ice tray.

Step 3: Ask your Chemistry major friends to steal you some chloroform, to make your housemates operation quick and painless. Sneak up on your donor and drag them into your kitchen.

Step 4: Find the sharpest knife in your houses pantry, and cut out your organ of choice. Pull out as many surrounding strings and danglies as possible; it helps the buyer reconnect the organ during the transplant.

Step 5: Use the house floss to sew your donor up, and place them in the bathtub. They will appreciate the minty smell coming from their wounds in the following weeks.

Step 6: Put the organ in your minifridge, and place an ad on craigslist. Don’t forget to post in the international section. A buyer should contact you within a few days. Just sit back and wait for the money to flow in.

Included is a list of some rough prices you can expect for certain organs around the world.

These are merely reference; don’t be discouraged from picking other organs to sell. Remember to google which organs do and do not grow back, as to avoid any unnecessary house drama.

Good luck, I wish you a bountiful Fall Harvest this year, Brandon Grenier • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Average paid by Kidney Buyer: $150,000 Average paid to Seller of Kidney: $5,000 Kidney broker in Yemen: $60,000 Kidney broker in the Philippines: $1,000 to $1,500 Kidney buyer in Israel: $125,000 to $135,000 Kidney buyer in Moldova: $100,000 to $250,000 Kidney buyer in Singapore: $300,000 Kidney buyer in United States: $30,000 Kidney buyers in China: $87,000 Kidney buyers in Saudi Arabia: $16,000 Kidney seller in Bangladesh: $2,500 Kidney seller in China: $15,000 Kidney seller in Egypt: $2,000 Kidney seller in Kenya: $650 Kidney seller in Moldova: $2,500 to $3,000 Kidney seller in Peru: $5,000 Kidney seller in Ukraine: $200,000 Kidney seller in Vietnam: $2,410 Kidney seller in Yemen: $5,000 Kidney seller in the Philippines: $2,000 to $10,000 Liver buyer in China: $21,900 Liver seller in China:$3,660 Prices from www.havocscope.com

9

Something that I find absolutely silly and others find completely normal:

by bz

People taking pictures of themselves. Okay, let me reiterate – people taking kissy/duckface/backward peace sign pictures of themselves.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to hashing out my problem with this phenomenon. I don’t know what annoys me more, the fact that my thirteen year old cousin and her friends take literally hundreds of pictures like this of themselves and post them online; or the fact that people my age find it perfectly acceptable to do this and think they are sexy and/or that people actually care to look at them. Let’s face it, you aren’t sexy; it is not cute; it won’t help you get that date. In fact, you will be mocked and people will take you slightly less seriously. So, my dear, dear boys and girls: don’t take those pictures. And for the love of all that is good, take them off any public forum if you have them. For further information please visit: antiduckface.com

10

Excibit C:

**Disclaimer: I am sorry if you participate in this activity, I will attempt not to judge you for it.

An Open Letter to People who Disdain Silliness

by Josh W.K.

Let me start by saying Mmmm!

I can taste your heart and I ate the bits you left out, played the part of someone who hates the sunshine, but I couldn’t keep it up, you must be exhausted from trying not to smile, honestly i’ve tried your costume on but it didn’t fit me right, too loose in the mind and too tight in the arms, doesn’t that keep you from the sky?

To fly, to dream is, I guess, just not your style, just too tired of it all.

Not I, I come from a long line of eccentrics who consume the night and rise after we fall, when surprised we exhibit a tendency to fight tooth and claw to loosen our inhibitions, lose or win is irrelevant when we have control of our decisions.

So to you, I say this: write down my tale cause there’s no where else it’s written, and you keep on doing you, isolated, intimidated, with intimations of a lost soul, and I’ll stay as me: the sole, soul cannibal.

11

Fallaback, Velocirafter-style

by Brenton Huggins

Hey yo, so I’ve been in the SHC for about 3 years now (this year is my 4th), and I have to say, it’s been pretty frickin sweet. I was really lonely my first year here at MSU, moving away from my hometown in Pennsylvania. I can’t exactly visit my folks too often. So enter the co-op, where there is someone almost always around, and my framily are often there to greet me!

Framily. Fr-amily. Fr(iend)-(f)amily. You may have heard of it, but here’s my take on it.

Many of us have a family that we grew up with, a family of circumstance. You probably get along with some of them better than others. But you know what else is cool? Picking your *own* family! That’s right, these are your closest friends whom you know so well, and like being around so much, that you choose to treat them like family. And what does that mean? It can sure mean a lot of things, but to me it involves always being there for them, being dependable in the ways that truly matter. If my framily called me in the middle of the night and said that they needed some emotional support, I fucking go. One of my framily lives in another state, and I know that if necessary, if they really needed me or the rest of my framily, we’d drive on down there, regardless of most outside circumstances.

Shit’s awesome, y’all. I love doing it, and being it, and having a third item in my list of things.

Cheers, and here’s hoping you’ll find your framily as well, if you are looking for one. *hugs*

12

(Fall Themed)

M.A.S.H Mask Wearing . Apple Picking . Ship Building . Hopscotch Anyone who has ever been in middle school has played MASH. However, no one has ever played fall themed MASH! (or at least not this fabulous version). If you need a refresher, than here are the directions: • • • • •

Fill in five items under each category. (*there is an empty category that you can fill yourself) Remember the acronym MASH usually stands for mansion, apartment, shack, house, but today it stands for fall activities you are excited for!

Start to draw a swirly in the box provided until somebody says stop! Now, count each line in the swirl to get a reasonable number. Put that number in the little box to remember it.

With this number, start at the M in MASH and continue on to the items in each column, and cross off every item that you stop at.

Do this until one item from each category is left, then use these (in order) to fill in the blank lines of the story at the bottom! I hope you have a happy, safe, eventful fall ahead of you!

What fall food item will make you throw up (what you will be from eating too and what you much of and /or should be are two from being too different things) drunk?

What will you be for Halloween?

How many times will you be wasted before thanksgiving?

Who will you

Percent chance *what else can make out with you will go to you think of? at FAMPO? jail before

(insert the names thanksgiving? of delectable boys/ girls here)

(if you write zero you are lying to yourself)

1__________ 1___________ 1__________ 1__________ 1__________ 1___________ 2___________ 2__________ 2__________ 2__________ 2___________ 2__________ 3__________ 3___________ 3__________ 3__________ 3__________ 3___________ 4__________ 4___________ 4__________ 4__________ 4__________ 4___________ 5__________ 5___________ 5__________ 5__________ 5__________ 5___________ ________-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ _____-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ ___________-­‐ _________-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ __________-­‐-­‐ _________-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐3-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐2-­‐with -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐2-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐2-­‐ This fall I am most -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐2-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ excited about _____________ my friends and family.

Halloween i-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐2-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ s my favorite -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐4-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐3-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐3-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐3-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐3-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ holiday, especially because this year I am dressing up as ____________. It isn’t just Halloween I’m -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐5-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐4-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ 3-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐4-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ looking forward to, but also puking u-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐4-­‐ p my favorite fall -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐4-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ food, ____________.

It really tastes just as good -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐5-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐5-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐5-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐4-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐5-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ the second time, which is great because I will be drunk ______ times this fall. Hopefully I don’t puke -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐5-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ I am making -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ while out with _____________ at FAMPO. Either way, I know this will be a great fall, and I -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ hope I can stay out of jail, even though there is a _____% chance I’ll be behind bars before winter!

13

Frank Zappa was trying to kill me.

I was up in a tree, and he was climbing up to get me.

I dropped down.

And began beating him with things.

My dad appeared. He and Frank Zappa bonded over lost bets and being forced to like terrible sports teams.

Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone were strange?

We’d bounce around and swing upside down, And always play out in the rain.

On our way to work we’d stop and chirp, wishing sweet blue jays a lovely day And although everyone were strange Strange would not never mean the same

14

prophet.

Last week, I was walking down Grand River, headphones in, minding my own business, when I noticed someone out of the corner of my eye cross the street and start walking next to me. This would have been fine if it had just happened for a few seconds and then the person either got ahead of me or fell behind, but this person was keeping pace with me. As a general rule, I think it’s pretty awkward to be walking next to someone that you aren’t actually walking with, so I continued to wonder why this person was being so creepy and walking next to me.

I thought about turning my head to see if I knew this person, but decided against it because if it turned out to be a stranger, it might have ended with some awkward eye contact and I definitely didn’t want that so I just continued to look ahead. A minute or so later, this person finally got a few steps in front of me and I realized it was one of my friends. He noticed me but decided to be creepy and walk next to me and see how long it took me to notice him. He definitely succeeded in mildly creeping me out.

As I’m writing this, I realize that I’m probably the only one amused by this, but it is pretty weird that I was kind of creeped out that someone was walking right next to me and then it ended up being someone that was trying to be creepy. Pretty silly, right?

by Rachel Barth

15

16