Pine Press: Fan Fic

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We Are Officially, Unofficially Changing Our House Name

by: bz

This summer, Ferency will no longer be known as “Ferency.” Rather, this lovely abode will be hereby called “Lesbiancy.”

“Why” you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Once upon a time, two months ago, the house was filled with both male and female occupants. Then, graduation happened and just about everyone moved out. This resulted in mass vacancies. These vacancies were thus taken up by chicks. In the beginning, I protested because I hated everyone who was not Brendan LaCroix.

Yes, it has been a slight adjustment to having everyone get on the same cycle and being pissy all the time. And furthermore, where one would find condoms randomly taped to a wall, door or fridge, there are now dental dams in their place. But, in time, I have come to adore these ladies and all that they have to offer.

With having an all female haus, we could be compared to a sorority, but in reality, we are soooo much COOLER than that! (Mostly because of Maria Brundage). I think, arguably, we are now in the front running for being the best house in the SHC system. Is it because we all tidy up after ourselves and keep a clean house and bake? Or is it because we have topless pillow fights and play truth or dare all night? I suppose I will leave some mystery for you, dear co-oper, for the fantasy of Lesbiancy is far too great to expose anymore.

If you wish to see what all of the hype is about, please feel free to wander on over, where someone saucy mink will be sure to greet you on the front porch, possibly with a cold, malted beverage in hand.

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by: Korey Hurni

Dear Everyone, So, I thought about writing a poem glorifying the daily life over at Bowie. However, Stefan sent us a picture of him in Japan with his new friends. It speaks volumes.

I won’t share the whole e-mail, but here is a little taste of his experience.

“A cool thing about Japan is that lots of 18 year old Japanese girls want to be my friend and hang out with me (see pic). Probably because I have the devastatingly good looks of an Aryan God-King.

Also you can get drunk pretty much anywhere and no one will call you out. Last night I got drunk under a bridge, it was cool. I can get away with just about anything here and no one can stop me because I am capable of beating up every single Japanese person.”

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by: Maria Brundage

House fan fiction:

Suggested prompts Tell us the story of what really happened in Hillsdale’s basement room. You know, the one that has a single toilet, no sink, and 4 deadbolts on the outside.

Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber (the zealously guarded cardboard cutouts at Raft) run away from Raft Hill to live in a double at Phoenix.

Avalon finds King Arthur’s corpse in the attic and embarks on an epic quest to find Excalibur.

The unthinkable happens: Zombie Apocalypse! DBMC is the only beacon of hope in the wasteland that is East Lansing.

Miles Davis visits Miles Davis and finds that things have changed since he was gone.

Bear, the cat at Howland, learns to speak. Describe his search for humanity.

Orion discovers that they were briefly named NASA because the members had built a space shuttle in the basement.

Where will they take it first?

Room picks at Beal are interrupted by none other than Lord Voldemort.

Where is Harry when you need him?!

When the rest of the house leaves for Crunchy’s, the under-21s are left alone to defend the house from idiotic burglars.

The Executive Committee gets eaten by bears. Oh, wait, that actually happened.

Toad Lane risks everything when it falls in love with a vampire.

Where will these stories take us? Submit your best conclusions for the next Pine Press!

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A Dark Tale

of Bower House Once upon a time, in the not so distant past at Bower, our power went out. Most of the house was home at the time, but others continued to filter in as they arrived confused to find a house with no power. This was on a Sunday just before we were supposed to have our meeting and as a result, we held our meeting outside at the picnic table.

Going out was certainly an option, but not too many people were interested and it seemed to be more of an adventure to just stay at the house and see what we could do in the dark. One housemate even mentioned how there tends to be a baby boom nine months after every power outage...We all just sort of went silent and then brainstormed other activities that we could do.

It was weird and we had no idea what could have caused the power to out. Neighbors from both sides came over to ask us if we had power, so we know that we were not the only ones without it and that it stretched at least down our block. Anyone else experience this last weekend?

By this time, it was actually dark outside too and people were starting to light and bring out all the candles that they had. I have no candles and was surprised to see the amount of people in my house that did. We then talked about things like hide and seek and other games that no one had played in years.

In a way, it was a good time to have the power go out, in order to force us to go outside for our meeting. I don’t know why we don’t have all of our summer meetings outside, seems to make sense since it is nice enough out. This was also not just like any other meeting, since it was Kevin’s last meeting as a member of the house and we were all sad to see him go.

These types of games seemed to have little interaction with each other, so we decided we should play some type of board or card game instead and eventually decided on Taboo. We decided to bring the game, all of the candles in the house and ourselves out to the picnic table to play since it was such a hot night in the house as well. One of our housemates had also built an impromptu fire on his own this night as well, which he tends to do sometimes.

Well, after the meeting was over, people had started thinking about what we could do in a house with no power in the 21st century, making for some interesting ideas posed.

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Playing a game like this is something that almost never happens in our house and perhaps

by: Tobias Roth

that power outage was a good thing for us, to let us have a bonding experience and do something that we would not normally do. It can be fun to play games together in a small group, and it is something that many people have stopped doing due to videogames and movies and simply being too busy with other things.

After a couple hours or so, the power eventually came back on and we knew this because my room is the one that faces the picnic area and I had left my light on when the power went out, letting us know when it had returned. We had such a good time playing the game that we stayed outside playing in the dark though, even after having the option of going back in to do anything else. We stayed out until we were all so tired that we were all ready for bed.

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Nooks and Crannies: Phoenix’s Structural Oddities and Their Probable Histories by: Gina Rome

As many of you know, Phoenix Haus used to be the mayor of East Lansing’s house, and then it was the Phi Gamma Delta a.k.a. FIJI fraternity house. Then when the FIJIs half burnt it down the SHC bought it, and now it’s the patriotic gypsy palace (credit for invention of the phrase “gypsy palace” goes to our fellow Phoenician Alex’s grandma/cousin/friend/someone) that we all know and love. Unless you live in Phoenix, and have had time to explore its many corridors, you might not realize that there are some seriously weird components to ol’ 239 Oakhill (a.k.a. 239 Butthill). Shit, I lived here for an entire semester before I discovered that there is a tiny bathroom tucked into the front corner of the third floor! So, I’d like to share with you some of the fascinating, oft overlooked, and mostly pointless secrets of Phoenix Haus (and if anyone ever wants to take the Gina Rome Summertime Pine Press Article Tour of Phoenix Haus Oddities, come on over! I’ll make a map!).

The Secret Room If you have been to Phoenix during the day, you probably have glanced into this room and kind of ignored it. If you have only been to parties at Phoenix, you probably haven’t even realized it’s there.

So, in between the front hallway and the living room, there is this room, which we call the Secret Room, and for the life of me I can’t figure out its original purpose. Right now it’s just a place where we keep our foosball table and a desk, and we shove all our miscellaneous furniture in there when we have parties. I spent the majority of finals week in there the spring I graduated, posted up with a desk, chair, and a million books and pieces of paper (a setup that I fondly/hatefully referred to as my Space Station) writing my final JMC senior seminar paper. It was in the Secret Room that I learned that Obama had (probably?) personally killed Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands. Anywayz, the Secret Room is too small and weird-shaped to be anything. It might have been a closet in its former life, but there’s a bathroom in there… what?...

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The Secret Bathroom The Secret Bathroom is just big enough to contain a toilet and a sink, but it has a super high ceiling with a really pretty and ornate light fixture. The water is turned off in there because at some party someone left the faucet running and it leaked through the floor of the Secret Room into the ceiling of our kitchen. When we had a (particularly awesome/nerdy) party that preceded our midnight viewing of the first half of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, we hung up a poorly-photocopied picture of Moaning Myrtle in there, to get the full Hogwarts-y effect. In years past, members of the FIJI frat have pulled some shenanigans and tried to loot our house for old pieces of FIJI paraphernalia.

The most famous incident that I know of took place a couple of years ago when some of these dudes ripped off the mirror of the medicine cabinet in the Secret Bathroom because written on the inside of the mirror was the intimidating (*rolls eyes and pantomimes whacking off*) phrase “FIJI’S [sic] NEVER STEP DOWN,” and underneath, some awesome wise-ass Phoenecian replied, “Except for that time they lost their house & it became a coop. Better luck next time, thanks for playin’.”

The mirror currently resides in Chelsea’s room, where she vigilantly protects it day and night from conniving frat dudes, and also uses it as a mirror. I sometimes use the Secret Bathroom, but only if I’m in the living room and someone is in the main bathroom/I have to poop (but that’s tricky ‘cause there’s only about a 50/50 chance there’s toilet paper in there).

Narnia There is an Indiana Jones-style bookshelf in our attic, which opens to reveal a tiny room no bigger than a twin mattress. I don’t know if anyone has ever spent any extended period of time in there, but every time I open the bookcase door, I get that coming-up-the-stairs-from-the-basement feeling that something terrible is going to attack my face and no one will ever know I’m up there, faceless, in Narnia.

The Triple Stack This one is actually something you probably know about Phoenix if you’ve ever spent any time there.

Like a lot of other houses, we have a few indestructible industrial-grade wooden dorm (maybe?) couches in our living room. In years past other couches had been stacked on top of them to create stadium-style seating for NHL Playoff viewings/Arrested Development marathons/Spartan football games, to offer maximum TV viewage. This year, someone (Taco Meat?) decided to nail three together, to create a monstrous three-tiered couch Godzilla. Occasionally someone will lay in the middle couch cave, but mostly people just parkour themselves up to the top (except for Spencer who is so tall that he literally can take one step up and he’s already there). I rarely sit on it because 1) I’m so short that I can’t hoist myself up there, and 2) If you intend to participate in substance use while up there (Which you probably do, because, let’s be real, have you seen our living room? There’s so many empty containers in there, it looks like the inside of Willy the Can Man’s garbage bag.), you’re going to have a hell of a time psyching yourself into attempting to get down. One time Martín was sleeping and he fell off the entire thing. Onto the ground. Ouch.

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The Underground Railroad Because people are so busy marveling at the majesty of the Triple Stack, they rarely notice that there is a tiny door on the wall next to the fireplace in the living room. When you open it, there’s just kind of a pile of old clothes (including some nice shoes, some t-shirts, and old underwear), beer cans, and other debris. BUT, if you kind of stick your head in there, you can look up and see that there is a passageway that goes between the walls of the fireplace and the Secret Room. You can actually climb up some bricks in there and get your head up as high as the ceiling. It looks like an awesome place to store preserves/escaped slaves. And when you pop some boards out of the ceiling of the Secret Room and stand on a thing that will allow you to get your head into the ceiling, you can see the person who is standing in the Underground Railroad. It’s cool.

The Galley Ghost Did you know that there is a ghost that lives in Phoenix’s galley (our basement bike room/dining room/recycling area)? The Galley Ghost is pretty harmless but plays weird tricks on us. Lights flicker for no reason. Things move around. One time Mara came downstairs to find that all the cupboards and refrigerators were open. Every time someone doubts the existence of the Galley Ghost, one of these weird things happens (in fact, I was considering not including the Galley Ghost in this list of mostly architectural oddities, but then some light glinted off my phone weird and I figured I’d just be safe about it). I wouldn’t rule out the existence of paranormal presence in Phoenix. Shit is spooky.

The Dumbwaiter (??)

Also in the Secret Room (there are a lot of secrets in the Secret Room, aren’t there?) is a closet with basically nothing in it except for some old technologies, and next to the closet is a waist-high lil door that slides up to reveal a black pit of debris (there is a lot of debris in Phoenix Haus). There are some old magazines and pieces of wood and (you guessed it) beer cans in there. It might have been a dumbwaiter at some point, I don’t know.

Dueling Toilets Before I lived in Phoenix I used to come to parties here all the time because my friend Allison lived here. I tended to drink pretty heavily at these Phoenix parties and not remember much about them (nothing has changed since I was 18), but I remember being amused/horrified that one of the upstairs bathrooms had two toilets right next to each other. One is always cleaner than the other.

Sometimes the Phantom Pooper leaves presents in there (the Phantom Pooper is a real person and is not to be confused with the Galley Ghost. I was thinking about whether or not to include this disclaimer and then my door started to close on its own so I figured, once again, to spare the wrath of the Galley Ghost and just put it in here anyway).

The Up-Nook Another weird closet area is the Up-Nook. It’s just a shallow room on the third floor in which Dylan used to brew beer (and one time attempted to make cheese).

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An early start to

St. Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2012 Orion House 501 M.A.C. Ave. East Lansing, Michigan 2:00 a.m.

I was getting more and more frustrated as the hours ticked by. First one o’clock, one thirty, one forty five; were those hooligans on my back porch ever going shut up? I was trying to get a good night’s rest in order to wake up extra early on Saint Patrick ’s Day and because of how incredibly hot it was I could not close my window, which is directly beneath our second story back deck. I could hear every word they were saying up there, their voices carrying right through my window.

I look at my phone, two o’clock. I pull the sheets up around me and roll over in a final attempt to fall asleep. Slowly, I feel the world drifting away from me being replaced with darkness. My thoughts begin to grow foggier, less coherent. Just as I am on the verge of reaching the sweet salvation of sleep, a loud thud from outside my shakes me wide awake. I feel the vibration through my whole body. This had to be something quite large to make the ground shake the way it did. Not half a second later I hear the screams from our deck, about 25 feet above my room.

“Kyle!” I hear a girl scream, “Kyle!”

Who is this Kyle? What happened? I am still in a daze when I sit up to see what has happened.

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“Somebody call 9-1-1!” the girl yells.

By this time I am standing on my bed, I can hear groans from just outside my window. I have gone from near sleep to full consciousness. I move my blinds and stick my head out, wondering what exactly is going on out there. I look down, and directly beneath me is a man, sprawled out on his back making low grumbles. I feel a rush of adrenaline as I realize the gravity of the situation. I ask him if he is okay, no response. I look at his lifeless body and immediately I dial 9-1-1 and grab a light.

Once illuminated, I can see just how lucky this boy has been. He landed just 3 feet from a pile of rocks and an upturned rake which surely would have meant death had he fallen onto them. I also realize I have no idea who he is. Soon blue and red lights flash into view, and I direct the paramedics to the kid. They manage to wake him up and after a few minutes he is moving his limbs. He is not paralyzed.

Lucky for him, he was drunk and landed flat on his back, limp from the alcohol.

He apparently was trying to climb over to the outside of our deck railing and caught his leg, flipping him over repeatedly as he fell two and a half stories to the ground.

Once everyone gathered around as the EMS began their work, I found out that no one actually knew him. He and some friends had heard people on our deck and walked up to meet them. He only had one friend there, who went with him to sparrow to get checked out. We still have not heard the extent of his injuries since no one actually knows the kid’s last name, or the name of his friend. He has not come back since. I was not able to fall asleep for several hours after the paramedics had left; so much for a good night’s rest.

by: Brandon Grenier

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submitted by: Maria Brundage

My Immortal excerpts Author’s Note: Gathered here are excerpts from the Harry Potter fanfic, “My Immortal,” which is generally regarded as the worst fan fiction in existence. It is hilarious, so I thought I would share some of the joy. The main, character is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, who is a goth, hates preps, and has crushes on EVERY BOY. Characters Darko, Drako - Draco Malfoy Vampire - Harry Potter B’loody Mary - Hermione Diabolo - Ron Navel - Neville Snap, Snoop, Snipe - Professor Snape Loopin, Lumpkin - Professor Lupin Satan - Voldemort “My Immortal” Quotations Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

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“Oh! Oh! Oh! “ I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” It was….Dumbledore!

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache. “What have you done!” He started to cry wisely.

(Blood) got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.

Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!” “NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

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“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 Then….. [Vampire] showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it.

• I grumbled in a sexy voice • I cried sexily.

• I ran sexily down the staris • We opened da conmen room door sexily • Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

• “NO!” I screamed sexily.

• Draco hugged me sexily • We frenched sexily.

• I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

• “I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily • We went sexily to Potionz class.

• I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket • Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

• I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 “Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. “The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time” Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.

“Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?”

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

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by: Jason Matney

Raft

This beautiful Tudor Revival home at 420 Evergreen was built in 1916 by Edward H. Ryder, an East Lansing mayor for seven terms, dean at MSU, member of the board of the Peoples Church and vice-president of the bank. In 1956, it was sold to the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity, with the stipulation that it be named the Ryder House in perpetuity. Motts Coop, established in 1947, bought the house in 1964. George Motts had been an early co-op supporter and long-time faculty advisor to Elsworth House. It folded in 1970 and for two years served as a runaway shelter, called The Raft.

The Green Earth Food Co-op operated out of the house’s basement, until it merged with Wolfmoon Food Co-op in 1972. At that time, a group of students from the Brody dormitory at MSU moved in and named it Knight House Co-op and later Narnia, after the Chronicles of Narnia books by C. S. Lewis. In 1974, it was renamed Major Raoul J. Luftberry House after a W.W.II fighter pilot whose picture was found in the attic of one of the co-ops. Luftberry failed in 1980 and SHC reopened the house in 1981 as R aft Hill, in honor of the days as a shelter for runaways.

Mrs. Ruth Ryder St. John chastised SHC later for forgetting to keep the name Ryder House.

Raft Hill is currently a graduate student themed house, but undergrads looking for a quieter living space are also encouraged to apply.

There are ten rooms in Raft Hill: Three on the first floor, four on the second and three on the third. The first floor features a common area with a couch and desk, as well as a half-bathroom. On the second floor you can find the main bathroom, containing two shower, two toilets and two sinks. The bathroom allows for apple storage space, as there is a rack of shelves for all toiletry needs. Across the walkway lies the stairwell to the third floor, usually only traversed by residents of that floor. Upon reaching the third floor, any visitor will immediately notice the scrawled font littering the walls. A long-standing Raft Hill tradition

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Hill

of leaving thoughts and quotes up on the third floor persists to this day.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that any visitor want to reflect based on the temperate difference found on that floor. It is hotter than the rest of the house during the summer and colder during the winter.

The basement of the Raft Hill cooperative house is the community gathering point, as it houses a kitchen, TV room, dining room, and storage space. Usually a visitor can expect to meet up with some Raft resident simply by making the short walk down to the cool confines of the basement floor. Maybe that resident, once found, will begin to prepare a meal for the house, wherein they will be happily feeding their housemates with the best vegetarian fare a modest food allowance will subsidize. Our supposed visitor will more than likely be invited to dinner. Potential meals include ‘Southwestern skillet’, ‘Russian Beet Salad’, and ‘Deconstructed vegetarian sushi’.

This summer, Raft Hill will be hosting a party – “The Raft of Regret”.

All are welcome.

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the pine press

volume 42, issue 5