Learning How to Love Again

Written by Tricia Teo Artwork by Beca Summers

During the second season of the pandemic I drew away from my friendships. I had just recovered from a falling out with my best friend at the time, who’d ended things with a simple “I just think we don’t make each other happy”. She was right: we had shared a tumultuous and suffocating two years of friendship despite enjoying each other’s company, so much so that we were often mistaken for each other. At the same time I struggled to reconnect with friends from my childhood who, in anticipation of adulthood and for other reasons, made moral exceptions in their lives that I could not reconcile with. I found a few outlets: I stayed offline and read books, I baked and sang to myself in the shower. I felt a gnawing loneliness, like there was an ever-expanding hole inside of me.

I know I’m not alone. In an era of distrust and misinformation, the notion of love is met with sceptical eyes and critical tongues - we are simultaneously loveless and unlovable. I find this disconcerting: is the human experience not distinguished by its capacity for self-reflection and morality, and by extension of that the nurturing of love? I spent the rest of the pandemic grappling with such thoughts until August 2022, when I opened my copy of All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks.

hooks begins her seminal work with the anonymous quote: “The search for love continues even in the face of great odds.” She herself was grieving the separation from her partner of fifteen years at the time, and employed the quote as an anchor to continuing her daily life. Written in 2000, the book describes in disappointment our pessimistic world; one that rejects the notion of love as naive and unrealistic. In rectification, hooks emphasises honesty as a pillar of nurturing love.

Dishonesty, hooks writes, begins at home, where children learn to lie in response to adult authority figures. As children, we may learn that it is a powerful tool to withhold or modify knowledge to avoid facing responsibility for our actions and sheltering us from the pains of reality. We see this reiterated through patriarchal messages such as ‘boys don’t cry’, which teaches children to disengage from their emotions in obedience to gender roles. Encouraging children to suppress their full range of emotions inhibits them from expressing them later on in life - even children raised in loving and encouraging households learn social cues about being ‘tough’ or ‘ladylike’ from school or online. Inspiring honesty in children is vital for them to explore how their feelings can manifest in many different ways. Allowing children room for honest mistakes is crucial to their development as is fostering an environment of love and understanding for them to flourish in.

hooks writes that young boys who learn to mask their emotions at home carry this into their adult relationships, where the patriarchy encourages them to be dishonest or indifferent in order to become powerful and unconstrained. Media personalities, such as Andrew Tate, have gained an alarming following of young men by promoting the misogynistic treatment of women as a sign of power. This discourse can create a dangerous disconnect between young boys and their emotions, who learn to believe emotional vulnerability or intimacy weakens them, whereas belittlement and misogyny makes them strong. Similarly, ‘locker-room talk’ and the ‘perfect’ victim are patriarchal constructs that serve to protect men from facing the consequences of their actions. Yet, inwardly, the fear of being unlovable persists. Love takes time, honesty and empathy, which the patriarchy does not encourage men to possess.

Language is a powerful tool; it leads us to knowledge that is as equally empowering as it is destructive. By using language to conceal ourselves, we fail to directly face what needs to be corrected. To be honest is to set a strong foundation of trust so that difficult but truthful conversations can encourage growth, whilst respecting each other’s capacity to handle harsh realities. In the same vein as advocating for critical race theory to be taught in school, it is important to encourage honest dialogue amongst youth, where candid discussions can take place no matter how uncomfortable they may be. Committing yourself to being honest lays the necessary groundwork to live consciously, meaning that you seek to practise awareness and to critically reflect on the world we live in and the friends we surround ourselves with. Being honest takes effort that can provoke unwanted feelings or conversations. In my teens I was passionate about intersectional feminism and thus faced ridicule in the classroom. When I drew away from friends who did not align with my conscience, it was difficult and extremely isolating. But in time I have become more fulfilled, and I have learned to separate what I allow to define my professional and personal relationships.

Reading hooks’ incisive take on how to invite love into daily life was momentous for me. She answered questions I did not know I had, and reassured me that the things I want to stand for and believe in are not futile. As I continue to cope with all the people I’ve loved and lost, her words have been a lighthouse in guiding me towards leading a more fulfilling and loving life. I hope that you might feel the urge to do the same, or even pick up your own copy of All About Love: New Visions.