Brain Stew '17 / '18 - Issue 9

Are you going to the Pierre Lacede Honors Ball? Asking for a friend.

Brain Stew presents

Laundry Pod Reviews

By Zachary J. Lee

Pod: All Mighty Pacs Review: Ever crave just a little bit of a pucker with your pod? This is the one for you. What you see is what you get: This raspberry blue colored pod certainly delivers when you have a craving for that sweet and sour blend in laundry detergent.

Mouth Feel: Certainly more taut than the competitors. Not as squishy as I would have expected, but the burst certainly was well received.

Overall:

Pod: Gain Fling Laundry Detergent Pacs Review: Wowza, what a little pod! I gotta say, I never knew how much I wanted that sweet mixture of fresh cow’s milk included in my pod aesthetic. Fling a couple of these into your mouth for total satiation.

Mouth Feel: I wasn’t feeling much until the secondary pounch burst, and when it does, hooooooooo boi.

Overall:

Pod: Arm & Hammer 2-IN-1 Laundry Detergent Power Paks Review: Frankly, I wasn’t too crazy about this one. It’s the only pod that really made me feel like I was eating sand. Probably because it is sand. Fuck Arm & Hammer. (Love your normal detergent on a hot day in July, but the pod just isn’t for me.)

Mouth Feel: Really truly too much grit for my taste. Probably could be reconciled with more juice.

Overall:

Pod: Arm & Hammer 2-IN-1 Laundry Detergent Power Paks Review: What can I say? It’s the OG soft boi that’s taken the world by storm. Northing can surpass the true majesty of this smol one’s blend of sweet and sour laundry detergent. A true delight for any pallet.

Mouth Feel: Perfect amount of squish, and a fantastic amount of give before the teeth sink in, release the forbidden fruit’s sweet nectar.

Overall:

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can’t be at&t because I actually have bars

Chad, 21

4:20PM

music genre: EDM

69%

Who is he? Let’s meet Chad, whose favorite accessory is a shell necklace, and after the beat drops it’s followed by “oh my god did you hear that beat drop. That was insane” Chad claims he listens to under the radar artists to make himself look cooler in front of his fraternity brothers (he’s a Pike, what do you expect) but in reality they all know he listens to tracks by Skrillex, deadmau5, and the ever so popular Chainsmokers.

Chad really enjoys festivals, and even attended the prestigious Fyre Festival last April.

Spirit Animal: Nick Colleti in his “what the f*** is up Kyle” vine Favorite Pick-up Line: “Is this a camping festival? Cus you have us pitching tents.”

can’t be at&t because I actually have bars

4:20PM

69%

Stella, 19 Who is she? Meet Stella, a scene girl that has proved to her mom that it really “wasn’t just a phase”. She wears black on the daily, also enjoys to dye her hair extreme colors, she plans on getting tattoos in the future, along with snake bites and nose piercings to fully celebrate how she isn’t like other girls.

Her casual attire is an Asking Alexandria shirt with ripped black skinny jeans and hi-top converse. She wears way too much eyeliner and is convinced that “the music is way more than just screaming” and that no one will ever understand her.

Spirit Animal: any photo of Andy Biersack ever Favorite Pick-up Line: “Rawr means I love you in dinosaur xD <3”

Delicious memes served fresh by Adam Thompson

The most lying-ist “president” in the history of the United States

t is a bold statement to say that Trump is the biggest liar we have ever had as a president, however, there is ample evidence that the dude lies more than he speaks the truth. According to the NYT, Trump told a lie every day for his first 40 days in office. Numbers vary dependent on which site you check, but by this time, there is little doubt that Trump has lied about 2000 times since taking office. That is over 2000 times in just the first year - this works out to about 5 lies each day.

No matter what your age, race, gender, sexual preference, or political leanings, if you are a normal person with morals and ethics, then this should be extremely problematic for you. No public official, at any level of government, should be allowed to outright lie and continually support false pretenses. This is com-

pletely antithetical to being an elected public official the constituency must be able to rely on, believe in, and trust our elected representatives. Whether you want the stupid wall, think that Africa is full of “shithole” countries, support morally corrupt and ethically bankrupt representatives, or not, an American President who is known for his lies is unacceptable.

At this time, a California billionaire named Tom Steyer is leading a campaign to impeach Trump.

He can be found on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, and his movement is gaining momentum. Go online, check him out, and do what you can to rid this country of the scourge that is “president” Donald Trump. The preservation of the United States of America depends on it.

Congratulations Professor Delvaux!

to the winner of our latest Brain Stew contest,

Check out these honorable mentions below! from Adam Thompson

Enter our new contest!

Page fifteen! from someone at the PLHCSA snapchat

from Meagan Burwell

SCIENCEY

STUFF

By Kaity Hanners

Hey you! Yeah, you! Have you completed your required credit hours of research in order to graduate with Honors?

Have you been putting this off? If you’re like many other students here who haven’t completed this task yet, then I have an opportunity for you! Saint Louis Area Undergraduate Research Symposium (STLAURS) is the perfect place for you to showcase your hard work and research! Don’t worry- it isn’t until April 21st. You still have time to rally up some ideas or even a team to work with to complete your undergraduate research! STLAURS accepts research in a broad range of topics, from humanities to microbiology. Hurry to register! UMSL has a limited number of spots!

Qualified judges will be there from a variety of Saint Louis Area universities, including SLU and STLCOP. This is a GREAT opportunity to fill your Honors College research requirement AND receive recognition for your work! There are scholarship prizes for the top posters/presentations! For more info about this event, please email me at kmhf82@mail.umsl.edu or visit www.stlaurs.org!

YOU’VE SEEN THE DUELING BANJOS. NOW BRAIN STEW IS PROUD TO PRESENT:

THE DUELING MOVIE REVIEWS In this column: Kristy Burkemper covering old movies

And in this column: Zach Weber covering new movies

Who will win? let’s find out!

Blade Runner Review, From a Quirky Gal

tl;dr Personal Rating: 4.7/5 Yo I love sci-fi a lot and this film may not be my favorite sci-fi but it is in my top ten. My only gripes are length (how am I supposed to watch a 2 hour movie every. day??), and versions, versions, versions.

Does it stand the test of time?: Hell yeah.

Should you watch this shit?: You’d be disappointing Our Decent Savior Ridley Scott if you didn’t.

Hey Kristy, isn’t it a little weird that you’re reviewing a movie you watched for class last semester?

Yup! Today I’m gonna preach the shit out of Ridley Scott’s precious baby, Blade Runner. I also wanted to time this review with the release of Blade Runner 2049 on DVD. So idk, do what I’m about to do and buy 2049 cuz you loved the OG so much.

All money spending aside, I’m gonna do a cool dude thing and tell you nothing about the plot of the film. That’s right kids, you’re gonna have to Wikipedia that shit like the rest of us. I’m just gonna spew some mad knowledge and idk, maybe that’s fun to y’all?

Fueled by the success of Alien, Scott signed on to film an adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? I guess it’s safe to assume they retitled for convenience and for cool points. There’s tons of fun facts about this film, but here’s probably my fav that I think you’ll love: This film didn’t do so hot on release. After a budget of $28mil, the $33mil earnings seems like it barely scraped by, not even considering the criticism it received (but is calling a film “slow paced” a real criticism?). Despite that, this film is highly regarded as a classic and even as a requirement from some if you were to call yourself a lover of sci-fi. That’s because the version of the film released initially was changed drastically even while it was still run in theaters. I believe the easiest version to find is the “final cut,” although there are collections containing all seven different versions of the film if you feel like marathoning the same film. But let’s be real, we’re all college students. Blade Runner: Final Cut

Movie Reviews Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Well Just as any Serious Star wars fan would do I saw this movie the first day it came out. Followed by an additional 3 more times in the theater. The first viewing of the movie I was completely blown away. The visuals in the movie were absolutely stunning. There is a certain scene *spoiler alert* were Rey and Kylo Ren fight together to kill Snokes guards and in my opinion was one of the best scenes in the Star Wars series. After I left the theater the first time viewing it I felt all warm and fuzzy inside that I had finally saw the The Last Jedi. But upon the next three times I saw the movie my opinion change. Yes I know seeing a movie 4 times in a 2 week span is ridiculous but cut me some slack I LOVE STAR WARS. I started to pay more attention and the dialogue for the movie was not that great. Then what really bothered me was when *spoiler alert* Princess Leia was floating in space after the ship got blasted by a stormtrooper pilot she magically used the force to pull herself back to the ship in a Mary Poppins/Guardian of the Galaxys type of way. Also if someone could send me a photoshop image of a umbrella in her hands during that scene that would be awesome. At that point I was more mind blown that they actually just did that and just completely ignored like the next 15-20 minutes so I had to come back and watch it again to make sure I saw what I saw. When I returned I unfortunately confirmed what I saw. At this point they really blew the opportunity to just continue with the Mary Poppins references throughout the movie. They could have had Kylo Ren and Snoke break into song and sing something on the lines of “A spoonful of sugar helps you realize that the galaxy will inevitably be ruled by the First Order and the resistance will come to an end.” But that's just me. The movie was good tho. I give it on a scale from Paul Blart Mall Cops 2 to Shrek I give it a SpongeBob The Movie. To help give you perspective on this scale I'm a huge Spongebob fan.

Kirsty Burkemper’s Review con’t

Zach Weber’s Reviews con’t

is like five bucks.

Past all these cool facts that probably I’m the only one interested in, this film brings a lot to the table. Scott is pretty damn good at filming stuff that looks good nearly 40 years after the fact (yes my dudes, Alien is almost 40 years old and Blade Runner is around 36 years old). On top of that, the visual style on its own really makes me wish I had some more film noir/sci-fi films to work with. And as an English major, there is plenty o’ plot intricacies to play with in here. The amount and diversity of people with which I have had deep, deep philosophical conversations about Blade Runner with is astounding. At the very very least, watching this film with make you some friends in weird places (examples from personal experience: that kinda weird but niceish old guy you work with, the guy judging you for all your weird ass book purchases, best friend that judged Harrison Ford’s hatlessness. Need I say more?)

Any comments? Wanna call me out for bad info, tell me that this movie was actually terrible, or just really really wanna ask more about this movie? Here’s my email: knb9tf@mail.umsl.edu

Blade Runner 2049 - It would have been infinitely better if it was Blade Runner 2069. Just Saying. Also it was a great movie. 420/69

SO WHO WON??!?

Was it Kristy and her classic throw back?

Was it Zach and his sheer mass of review?

Let us know @UMSLBrainStew!

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle - First of all I knew this movie was doomed because you cannot just simply redo a absolute classic of a movie that has Robin Williams in it and think people will enjoy it. Anyhow, this movie was just not that great. When I saw it the theater it was packed with at least 10,000 twelve year olds so that may have had something to do with it. Once the movie started to play I completely understood why there was so many Junior High aged people in the theater. That's because this movie was made solely because they needed to have a movie in theaters that would have the level of humor that a 12 year old would take his girlfriend of 30 minutes to go and see. But also have a few jokes that the parent chaperoning the two children 3 rows up might consider laughing at. The jokes in this made me so nauseous that I vomited a minimum of 37 times. They were so cheesy that I thought I was in Wisconsin. Get it. Wisconsin is the Leading cheese producer in the United States. I think. So I assumed I was in that state.

LOL. Im so funny it's crazy. They also somehow managed to make this movie into almost a childrens level rom-com. Having a sense that both characters are essentially just saying “Babe” back and forth. I would only recommend this movie if you are the type of person that enjoys misery and listening to nauseating jokes in 2 hour spans. I give this a -2 poop emojis/ 5 poop emojis.

The Greatest Showman - Personally I am not a huge musical fan but get to the nearest movie theater and watch this movie immediately! This movie is absolutely fantastic. I even caught myself absolutely jamming out to the songs from this movie. I was completely baffled that I was listening to the songs because I can not reiterate anymore that I do not normally like musicals at all. So if you don't even care about movies but are a big music type of person just put on a blindfold and enjoy the music. I would not personally recommend this because people may or may not think you are a complete psychopath sitting in a movie theater wearing a blindfold but who cares. Maybe this movie might spark a fire in Zac Efron to get the gang together and make another High School Musical movie. We can only dream. On a scale of Mcdonalds to Chick-fil-a I give it a Shake Shack. Yeah I know it's that good.

Brain Stew presents:

Ariel’s Advice That Nobody Asked For! Hi guys,

By Ariel Brown

Welcome back to the new semester! I don’t know about you, but the bulk of my resolutions tick on the time cycle of the academic school year starting back in August. The start of a fresh academic year with new scenery, faces, and classes is great motivation. The Celebrating New Year whole shebang is an excuse for me to drink a lot and cry about the mistakes I’ve made within the last six months or so. You know, too close in proximity to let me sleep at night but just far enough behind me that they come and go from my memory. I am a firm believer that if you wake up the same person that you were last week or even yesterday, then your math is wrong.

Take time every single day to evaluate your behavior and be accountable for your goddamn actions.

If you’re thinking “this girl is crazy,” then you are probably the problem and you should go take a lap. Listen, I grew up smothering myself with trashy Cosmo and Teen Vogue articles by the stack, I’m definitely qualified.

Let’s take a moment, shall we?

2018 – A Whole Damn Year 1. Remember that motivation is fickle and you can’t trust it because you didn’t do anything to get it. You have to train yourself to work hard and to practice, that my friends is discipline.

2. Do you want to start working out or eating a healthier diet? Take small steps and set milestones. Going all-in too soon will result in such heavy burnout that you won’t go back when you quit.

3. Hold yourself accountable for your goddamn actions. Take the heat.

4. When is the last time you read a book?

5. Don’t get caught up in specialization. Do whatever you want. I’m ripping off a Tumblr quote by Robert Heinlein but here is the focus: A human being can change a diaper, design a building, write and solve an equation, cooperate, act alone, comfort the dying, take orders, analyze a problem, program a computer, set a bone, cook, fight, and die gallantly. Robert says it straight: Specialization is for insects.

6. While you’re making your Valentine’s Day plans make sure to plan protection or risk giving birth to a Scorpio.

7. Don’t panic. We don’t do that anymore.

8. Progress, not perfection.

9. Always account for variable change.” – the movie 21 (but really, apply this to your decision-making check list.)

10. If you EVER consider drinking and driving, just remember that a DUI in MO can cost more than all four years of your UMSL tuition. (Pay for an uber, lyft, taxi, or suck it up and call your parents. You know better, and I love you.)

“Two shots of vodka” (cookie monster version)

“This bitch empty, YEEEEET!”

“Whoever threw that paper, you mom’s a hoe”

Winnie the Pooh dancing to Pitbull

“He needs some milk!”

“I never went to Oovo Javer”

“I call this song college”

“Not to be racist but Asian people”

“no not a dresser YES A DRESSER!”

“I can’t swim”

“Hi my name is Trey I have a basketball game tomorrow”

“I’M A STAR”

The definition of having siblings

@umslbrainstew

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Kid screaming in class

Inspirational lawn mower

“I could’ve dropped my croissant!”

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Half-Assed Where someone with vague knowledge of how horoscopes work makes shit up

Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th) The Sun and Venus are on your side this go around, and although neither of those are your planet, keep in mind things always seem a little better with friends at your back. (Especially when your friends are massive celestial bodies.)

You’re plugging along at work, and maybe even putting in the extra hours, and soon someone will take notice. Do your work, but keep popping your head up over the metaphorical/literal cubicle to stare down your boss. Make sure they know just how hard you’re working. Keep an eye out for coworkers with a sudden interest in Shakespeare’s Julius Cesar.

Pisces (Feburary 19th-March 20th) The Shape of Water really shook things up in the fish category for y’all huh? Good to see you all getting the recognition you deserve. Just like the unnamed fish fellow, your life is getting a significant boost in the social department.

Friends, family, maybe even a little romance if you get my drift. Travel too. Really, just watch the damn movie and put yourself in the place of the amphibian. That’s your horoscope for the month.

Aires (March 21st-April 20th) Aires. My friends, my boneheaded folks. It’s going good for y’all in the achievement sector of your life. Work, school, whatever it is you do other than butting heads—you’re doing it well. Your boss or someone higher up the ladder you’re on is looking behind them and meeting eyes with you. This is a good thing for you, but be sure not to get too cocky about this recognition. It’s been a little rocky emotionally for you this month and going forward that will continue. This is the month to really reach out to people and curl up in your fuzzy robes and slippers before taking any and all work calls. Relax, and good things will come.

Taurus (April 21st-May 21st) Hello Taurus. This is your parental figure speaking. Remember how I always told you your time would come? Well it’s probably not this month. But you are getting some calls from your friends lately. I took a few messages for you from someone with a B? Maybe it was a P. I don’t know, you know I can’t hear very well. Anyway, please call me back soon.

Make sure to wash your hands after touching doorknobs, the flu’s really bad this year. Bye. Gemini (May 22nd-June 21st) It’s been a weepy month for you huh? That’s okay bud, we all get like that sometimes. It’s time to take charge of yourself, maybe after a nice long bath. Make sure you’re getting valued for your time, financially or otherwise. Focus on taking time for yourself this month, and giving yourself a little kick in the pants to get the year going. I know, none of us were ready to be back at school, but keep that head up. Ask for help when you need it; there’s always someone there for you, even in the most unlikely of places.

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd) You did some major cleaning up this year didn’t you? You’re almost like a whole new person this year Cancer, that 1st day full moon really did wonders for you. Most likely you kicked something major to the curb this year, be that a person, job, or otherwise. Whatever it is, you’re a lot better for it and we’re all proud of you. This being said, you should tone back on your “new year, new me” chanting for a little while so we can all get some shut eye. Please. I’m begging you.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd) Leo, buddy, it’s time to get some sleep. This year started out a little bumpy for you, things not going quite as you planned (and let’s face it, for all your mane preening, you are a meticulous planner at times) and it’s left you in a grumpy mood. Fold those cute little paws under yourself and get a cat nap in, for everyone’s sake. It’ll make you feel a hell of a lot better and it sure will make it easier to get work done for everyone around you. Work’s hard to do when there’s a 600-pound cat laying on your computer.

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd) Right out the gate, day 1 of 2018 and you already are cramming new resolutions into your calendar. Slow it down Virgo—save some of that dedication for the rest of the year. You’re being a little bit frantic with your running here and there, and with those big life decisions you’re making (big purchases and career choices especially) you’re running yourself thin. You don’t have two sets of hands to do everything you’re planning on doing, and that’s more than okay!

Take a step back already, would you?

Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd) For being a scale, you’re ridiculously off balance right now Libra. That’s okay, not everyone is balancing 10 spinning plates all the time successfully, but it’s putting a major strain on your inner workings. It’s likely you’re getting a lot of great news and feedback outside of the home, but personal matters (think friends or family) is throwing you through a loop. Take the time to iron yourself back out, to fix any gaps in relationships, or do what you need to in order to focus back on yourself. Deep breaths you, everything will be fine.

Scorpio (October 23rd-November 22nd) Scorpio, scorpio, scorpio. You’re not one to really change your ways abruptly, but for some reason, this new year bug has gotten to you much more than it usually does. You’re looking for a new burrow to hideaway in, and you are sick of waiting around to find it. Relax that stinger of yours and look around you—you’re already home. It might not be perfect, maybe you need to repaint or add a few golden accent pieces, but work with what you have.

Sagittarius (November 23rd-December 21st) When isn’t life about the money, Sagittarius? This month in particular, money is a hot topic word for you. You and I both know you could cut back on the “necessary” purchases (yes, I’m talking about spending all that money on the Steam sale) to save yourself some green for future endeavors. For you this month, prioritizing is key in all matters—spend your time effectively to max out studying, homework, etc.

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th) At least in terms of celestial events, you’ve got the most going on in your life right now—your ruling planet has been in your house during your entire season for crying out loud! If that isn’t a wake-up call to get shit moving in your life this year, then I don’t know what is. That project you’ve been putting off? Do it. Apply to that job, learn that new program, whatever, just do it. This is your year billy goat/fish… thing.

Zoë Scala is an Asshole sun, Dumbass moon, and Idiot rising. They are qualified for this position in the same way you are qualified to be a contortionist.

Feel free to message them with horoscope questions, but they probably won’t be able to answer.

jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams

69:69 PM

420%

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Daniel, ?

music genre: oldies

Who is he? Daniel enjoys listening to Benny Goodman, drinking some prune juice before bed, taking out his teeth, & then proceeding to go to bed.

Spirit Animal: himself, obviously Favorite Pick-up Line: “Why is Hitler’s birthday so funny? I don’t get it.”

Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Zachary Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.