Brain Stew '17 / '18 - Issue 12

The Understew

We ask the faculty stupid questions.

They answer, stupidly.

Why is Brain Stew so smol this week?

Kate, but with lighter hair

Nancy, but with long hair

Kim, but with short hair

Oh my gosh, is it really??

Wow! I never would have known! Not that being smol is a bad thing. I mean, honestly, maybe it’s just, you know, fun sized! Like a candy bar! Some of my most favoritest candy bars are smol. Like king size candy bars? Don’t even bring those NEAR me! Too much sugar, which fucks with the brain or something, you read the New York Times article about it or whatever. But honestly it’s no biggee. Soon Brain Stew will have another growth spurt, and everyone will forgot about the time it spent as a little tiny baby magazine!

Oh woooow, woulda look at that? That’s cute. I mean that’s really cute. Not as cute as my little Perry. Oh, look at this picture I took of him reading Brain Stew! He’s such a smart pup. He tells me that it’s the only news source he trusts, and that anyone who disagrees is probably a Russian spy. What a riot! See, look, there he is turning the page with his little paw. So cute! I just can’t get enough of my little Per Bear.

Huh, could’ve fooled me.

Brain Stew is still around? I’m honestly not surprised, you’ve been racking up the awards, haven’t you? Exciting! You’ll have to bulk up your issues a little more though if you really wanna win at NCHC again this year. I have a few recommendations. I honestly think you could use more pictures of Dr. Prof. Perry Eliot Gleason Esq. No, really! I was honestly really upset that the dean search committee did not ultimately choose him as our next leader. I think that we could really just brighten everyone’s day if we include him on everything Honors College–related.

WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOUGHT YOUR HONORS BALL TICKETS YET?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? EMAIL NICOLE GEVERS (nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu) TO GET YOURS!

Journal of Scientific Research and Stuff March 2018

New Study Predicts that Future Dean’s Name Will Be a Single Letter by Year 2040 Past trends and new research foreshadow that all future deans of the Pierre Laclede Honors College will have names that are shorter than two letters in length.

By Nichole Geevers

U

pon the announcement that Dr. Ed Munn Sanchez had been selected as the new dictator dean of the Pierre Laclede Honors College, our team of leading researchers began to observe patterns in the lengths of the names of the Honors College deans since the institution’s inception in 1989. The college, which has been rooted in short-named leadership, has been under the direction of Fred Fauz, Bob Bliss, Dan Gerth, and now, Ed Munn Sanchez. After close observation, our team found that the lengths of the first names of these deans has incrementally decreased from four letters with Fauz to three with Bliss, then remaining stagnant at three letters under Gerth’s role as interim dean, and dropping to a staggering two letters upon the appointment of Munn-Sanchez earlier this year. After many studies of meticulous research and observation, our team compiled vast amounts of data that were used to conduct various studies with math and other sciencey shit. The concluding results of these studies forecast an exciting future for the Pierre Laclede Honors College that situates the college at the forefront of academic innovation and linguistic developments.

In the true spirit of academic research™, our team confidently imported our compiled data into Microsoft Excel, acted like we knew what we were doing, complained how “we really wished that school would teach us actually useful things like how to use Excel,” and proceeded to spend over two hours looking up YouTube videos trying to figure out how to make a basic line graph that could have been created in less than five minutes by hand. The results of this meticulous statistical analysis is summarized in Figure 1. After compiling the data and doing **math**, our team made some staggering conclusions. First, we concluded that by the year 2040, the dean of the Pierre Laclede Honors College will likely have a name that is a single letter in length. This paradigm shift from traditional naming structures to a single letter format will drive innovation and efficiency in the Honors College, as students and faculty will be able to save valuable time by not addressing the dean by a full “traditional” name and instead making a single-syllable grunting noise to address the dean. Our studies find that the difference in time it takes to say a two-letter dean name vs. a single letter dean name is approximately 0.5 seconds. When extrapolated, this single-letter difference could save close to 47 minutes of time per student each year. To put this into perspective, the potential time saved per year from saying a one-lettered dean name is similar in length to an episode of MTV’s Jersey Shore. From this researcher’s perspective, it is exciting to see the PLHC heading towards an incredibly efficient, fist-pumping and “guido”-filled future.

When our data was extrapolated beyond the year 2040, the results were even more staggering than our original study. As demonstrated in Figure 2, by the year 2100, it is expected that the dean’s name will be negative two letters in length, defying the constructs of modern English and language in a way our feeble minds can not yet comprehend. This radical discovery of modern linguistics is expected to propel the Honors College into a revered spotlight of

Figure 1: Initial data displays the incremental decrease in name length of the past four deans of the Pierre Laclede Honors College.

Figure 2: Data collected by researchers is extrapolated to the year 2100 to reveal that the expected length of the dean’s name in 2060 will drop below zero letters. academia and exposure, leading to a consequential and inevitable increase in cold hard <ca$h mOnEy> for the PLHC. When asked to comment on the potential implications of “negative language,” linguist Ferdinand de Saussure said nothing, because he is dead.

We’d like to think he would find this all pretty neat.

Further research of the name lengths of PLHC deans is planned for the future, pending approval of a prestigious federal research grant. For more information about the information presented in this article, please do not contact anybody, as you have wasted enough of your time just by reading the entirety of this terrible Brain Stew article that I cranked out real quick because I forgot this was a Brain Stew week.

Half-Assed Horoscopes

By Guest Astrologer, Zach Lee

Pisces (Feb. 19th - March 20th) I dunno, you’re that fish thing, right? I have no idea what this sign is about, but I think you either just had a birthday or your birthday is like in the next week. I dated a pisces once. It’s okay, I know you didn’t ask. Whatever. Hope you had a nice birthday and ate lots of yummy cake!

H

ey doods what’s up?? :P It’s ya boi zacharie here to tell you what’s up in the stars this month (haha, get it? what’s up? bc you know, stars are above us when it’s dark out? alright here we go lmao)

mer! So it’s gotta be too hot outside to have a fun birthday party or something.

That must suck some real bad eggs. You should’ve been born in like September or October, you know, when the weather’s ~just~right~ for an outdoor party. Sorry you lucked out, bud.

Leo (July 23rd - August 22nd)

Aries (March 21st - April 19th)

Roar, Leo, roar. ;) Are you growing out your hair? Bc you should. It’s so majestic Oh heyyyy Aries :smirkingemoji: It’s and beautiful and mane-like. I’m not that almost your time to shine I guess! What lucky. My hair is falling out early (thnx are you even, like a brand at Aeropostle Dad, I know you’re reading ;) so I’ve startor something? Idk, but that’s pretty cool. ed using Rogain. It’s working rpetty well Maybe buy some new clothes this month, so far! I’m not supposed to see real results like shit you really love wearing. Treat yo until like three to six months after startself to that new shirt you’ve been eyeing ing, but it’s been about a month and I’m at H&M. (Okay, maybe this is just advice seeing some smol sprouts on my head. I’d from me to me, and Im not even an Aries!) call that progress. ¯\_(:0)_/¯

week or so and you’ll get to spend lots of time together at the beach and at art museums andeat yummy foods together and playing video games and watching TV together. Ugh spring break can’t some soon enough amirite?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) Uhhhh, sorry but I have no idea what your sign is? Lemme look up a pick real quick lmao. (...) OMG you’re a centaur? That’s pretty badass dood! Too bad your name couldn’t just reflect that. Anyhoo, the first part of your name sounds like “sage” almost, which means smart, and the last part sounds like “aries,” so maybe just look at Aries’ horoscope and do what an Aries would do but like in a smart way? Maybe that’s like, bying new glasses to look smarter? Idk. Have fun though!

Taurus (April 20th - May 20th)

Virgo (Aug. 23rd - Sept. 22nd)

Capricorn (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 19th)

Woah, I know this one! You’re the bull!

Wow! Did you see that Ferdinand movie that came out at the end of last year? I didn’t, but I bet it kinda sucked. I read a lot of news about how Ferdinand is supposed to be some kind of Queer icon, and hunny lemme tell you that just bc a guy exhibits soft masculinity, it doesn’t mean he’s Queer okay? (Okay sure, a lot of us are Soft Bois™, esp yours truly, but one swallow does not a summer make!) The book was way better. I remember reading it in grade school. Anyhoo, I predict that you shouldn’t see this film, Taurus.

Okay, sorry Virgo, but what the hell kind of sign is this? A virgin? Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s cool if people are celebate or just haven’t had sex yet, but people should know that virginity is a social construction. Like, we make such a big deal about all these firsts—first words, first chest hair, first piercing, like cool give it a rest. I’m sure you’re cool and all, it just kinda sucks that you’re not named after something cool like a lion or a scale or a scorpion?

Alright Apricot! Welcome to a new month!

You and your fellow Candicorns are in for a treat this month. You see, I have no idea what a Calibri-horn is or does, but I get a good vibe from your name which I am definitely consistently pronouncing correctly. Anyhoo, just be weary of like growing like cartoon devil’s horns or something this month I guess. If you do, see a doctor. And if not, then you’ve survived another round of celestial Russian Roulette! Congrats!

Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct.22nd)

Aquarius (Jan. 20th - Feb. 18th)

Gemini (May 21st - June 20th)

OMG HEY LIBRA I’M ALSO A LIBRA AHH Wow how cool is it that you’ve met anothOh hey Gemini! How’s it going? I also er Libra, huh? It’s like, pretty much a onedated one of you before. Two of you? in-twelve chance! So awesome to meet You’re twins, right? Idk. Anyhoo, uhhhh I you. I don’t know about you, but I honestly dunno, maybe you’ll find some money on feel like I’m a really balanced person. the ground this month? That’d be sweet. If No? Okay, so sure, the weights are really you do, turn it in to a Brain Stew editor for heavy, but at least they’re equal, right? safe keeping, mmkay?

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd) Hey Scorpio. ;) I bet that you’ll see someI bet I know why you’re so crabby, Cancer. one you really like really soon. Maybe he’ll It’s bc your birthday is during the sumfly out to your hometown and stay for a

Wait, don’t we already have a fish guy?

So what, are you guys like the water that they swim in? Is there some kind of celestial connection between you too? I mean, your signs are right next to each other.

Anyhoo, Aquarius, maybe this month you should gather some of your Aquarius and Pisces friends together and go see the Oscar-award-winning movie The Shape of Water. Sufjan Stevens did not right the music for it, but I’ve heard it’s pretty good.

Zach Weber gave it a pretty good review last week, and that’s good enough for me.

Brain Stew...

At the Movies...

Please enjoy while Zach Weber reviews a shit ton of movies.

I

Red Sparrow

will tell you right now if you plan on watching this movie with your mom or grandma or possibly your priest at your local church you might want to consider changing your plans.

This movie is rather graphic so I’m just giving you a heads up. With that being said I absolutely loved this movie.

This movie is about a Russian ballerina that witnesses a secret service murder and now has to join an elite special operative team. This movie reminded me how fantastic spy movies. It kinda reminded me of a movie that is super underrated called The Man from U.N.C.L.E. that came out in 2015. But unlike spy movies from the past there are not that many fight scenes.Which in my opinion fight scenes are pretty much an essential part of spy movies but I tried really hard to not let that bother me. But what they lack in fight scenes they made up with having the spyy showing her ability to scheme and get whatever she wanted from anyone.

And I mean anyone. It was cool though to see the main character played by Jennifer Lawrence transform from a ballerina dancer to a very affective spy. *POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT MAYBE* Also the end of the movie is amazing because it shows clips from different parts of the movie that help explain exactly how she framed the man that she wanted dead. So I would give this movie a 6.9/10

T

Get Out

his movie needs no review. I am not worthy enough to give it a proper review. Just go see this movie

and you will completely understand.

It is in my top 10 favorite movies of all time. If you are reading this and haven’t watched this movie you should be ashamed of yourself. How dare you consider yourself someone that reads movie reviews. JK its whatever but seriously watch this movie ASAP. ∞ / 10

Actual photo of Zach Weber and a friend veiwing Get Out last week.

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Darkest Hour

’m going to be completely honest here the only reason I had any desire to watch this movie was when I was reading the list of movies that got nominated for best pictures this movie was listed and it just so happened to be playing when I got of work from the movie theater that I work at so I was just like “I guess” and watched it.

I think because I had such a high bar for this movie because I was aware that it was nominated for Best picture really took away from me being able to enjoy it. It was a good movie but I feel like it is completely overrated. Now I know that this is probably a unpopular opinion but hey It was just ok. I got kinda bored halfway through the movie and the makeup on the guy that played Winston Churchill kinda freaked me out a bit to be honest. So I guess a pro tip is to never read the oscars list and then watch a movie because the chances are that It is going to ruin the movie for you.

T

Game Night

his movie was surprisingly good.

Now I think this might have had the inverse effect of me having such a low bar that whatever was put on the screen would have brought me some sort of enjoyment. This movie was hilarious. Now the jokes in this movie were not the type of jokes that having you rolling on the ground uncontrollably, laughing so hard you can’t breathe, and peeing you pants while cring hard. After saying that If I ever go to the movies with someone and you start to do that I will not hesitate to call the police. This movie is about a group of friends who routinely have a board game night and decide to spice it up one night and It goes down hill the rest of the movie. I laughed rather frequently throughout this movie. I just really enjoyed this movie. I also might have been because I had watched way too many serious movies over the past few days to try and catch up with the oscar nominees so this was just a fresh air but nobody will know. Overall it is definitely worth a watch if you need a study break from your midterms or a reason to procrastinate more on that paper you need to write.

And now it’s time for Kristy to review $5 movies!

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

Z

achary released me from the Honors College dungeon this morning to give me one shot at redemption for forgetting to submit a review last week—and I might have completely shit on it by watching one of those typical 80s love story movies. Y’know, Pretty in Pink but not as much of a

Manic Mike

Many of the internship applications take some time to fill out, and they all want a cover letter and resume. I reformatted my resume

and wrote cover letters over and over and over.

I spent so many hours on those applications, with the result being an overwhelming majority of employers not even responding to confirm receipt of my resume and cover letter. How unprofessional is that? I sure wish I had known those companies were not legit when I was thinking of applying; I wouldn’t have wasted my time.

household name. But before I get to the movie, lemme take two seconds to go WTF, Movie Zach? I crawl out of my cave for the 2 and a half hours to buy movie theater popcorn and watch Annihilation only to see you give it a 9.9/10 two weeks later? I agree with that rating only for the first hour and thirty minutes of the film. After that, there’s just too much edge, not enough cool biology thingies. It’s an 8, folks.

Don’t let Movie Zach fool you.

Anywho, let’s go back to the 80’s now. Some Kind of Wonderful was basically John Hughes’ way of being salty that Pretty in Pink didn’t turn out exactly like he wanted, so he tried again but with some gender swap this time.

All in all it’s a pretty cute movie. My college ass wanted to write a big ol paper about how blue collar work is viewed in American society compared to higher education and even art and how that’s explicated through parental relationships and friendships, but I’m sure y’all can just.

Not do that and enjoy a movie.

I’m gonna end this review like John Hughes would end a movie.

Doesn’t really matter how we got to this paragraph, doesn’t even matter if it was entirely coherent. You’re here now, walking into the sunset with your best-friend-oops-I-mean-significantother-now, after just making out for a

By, well, Manic Mike Applying for internships is the worst.

I

don’t know about you, but I have a major that definitely benefits from an internship. I have been to two career conferences, where I spoke to every single job provider, and have sent out upwards of 30 resumes on my own.

Out of all this, I got offered one internship, and after learning what it actually entailed, turned it down. It was not what I was looking for. I received 6 or 7 rejections. The rest said nothing.

There has to be a better way. I don’t know what the missing piece in this puzzle would look like, but some more involvement on the part of the faculty and staff would probably make a difference. Anyway, I know I’m frustrated as hell by the process, and am not looking forward to trying again later this semester. I hope that finding a job isn’t nearly as headache-inducing.

solid thirty seconds. As the cheesy but honestly still a bop 80’s tune plays, one of you fist pumps the air, and who knows what happens after the credits roll.

Tl;dr

Personal Rating 4.5/5 honestly my fav John-Hughes-But-Not-John-Hughes movie so far Does it stand the test of time? It’s ‘87, did anything from ‘87 stand the test of time?

Should you watch this shit?? if ya watch any sort of john hughes movie (omg i know he didn’t direct this one) it should prolly be this one

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times March 16th, 2018

LATE EDITION

TODAY possibly warm, possibly freezing rain, possibility for a heat advisory following a tornado watch. We really have no idea.

Free (but it would be nice if we got paid every now and then)

PUNK-ASS BOOK JOCKEYS WIN THE HONORS COLLEGE ALUMNI TRIVIA NIGHT FOR THE 69TH YEAR IN A ROW One group of ten people should not be allowed to know this much information By: An Angry Loser from Table #7 An angry trivia night attendee protests outside of St. Ann’s Church on March 3rd following the 69th annual Honors College Alumni Association Trivia Night.

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW?

Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW?

Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Zachary Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.