CONTEST

CONTEST CONTEST! DID YOU WIN? PROBABLY NOT! BUT FOUR PEOPLE

ACTUALLY TRIED! The contest was…Abby says that Zenzi’s hobbies include crime. Explain. The best answer wins a piece of Honors swag from the alumni office (possibilities include mug, beer glass, hat, tote bag, and more).

Dearest don Dan,

The allegations raised by Abby in regards the more peculiar activities of Zenzi the cat is nothing more than groundless accusations based solely on dubious circumstantial evidence. My client, Zenzi, is innocent of all charges, and by looking through the listing of evidence gathered by The Local Official, I am sure that you can agree that Zenzi is nothing more than a victim of slander.

Zenzi has reached out to our organization to represent him in Court. We humbly ask that you do not engage in the publishing of libel against him in future correspondence and refrain from hostile actions against Zenzi the cat. Thank you.

Sincerely, Joey Kenny

Attorney at Paw, representing The Local Offical, PETA's very own Audri Adams (or so I was told to write)

Mr. Gerth,

Zenzi's crime is not one of a local nature. He is clearly the famous international art destroyer, known for this calling sign of leaving a dead mouse as a gift after every crime spree. Homes across Europe have reported a single claw through canvas portraits across Europe. French investigators have been clawing to get their paws on the phat cat behind the crime spree. There is no rhyme or reason for the damages. Investigators report that the damages appear to happen out of nothing but spite.

I'm sure Zenzi is a sweet affectionate cat until it's not.

I am clearly avoiding my massive workload by typing ludicrous stories about a cat I don't even know. In fact, I have an anaphylactic allergy to cats... so, I've never spent time with one. I avoid them at all costs. I just really don't want to do my schoolwork.

Have a wonderful day!

Hope VanBennekom

Zenzi is a mobster - secretly running the catering around town. I mean, what else could he be doing, and it’s a lucrative business buying and selling tuna and meow-mix. –Irina

Biedenstein

It seems pretty clear to me that that cat commits tax evasion. Probably not a good idea for Abby to tell you about it, actually. The IRS is going to be knocking on Zenzi's doorstep at any minute now.

–Saida Donaldson

The crimes include a very rough start by absorbing the other kittens in the womb. Starting right off the bat with murder! Other crimes include breaking many of their owner’s glasses and teasing the neighborhood dogs. This cat is a war criminal and must be treated as such. We demand action!

Thank you, Riley Andreasen

Who wins?

Hanna Smid: I think Joey. Or Hope. They are so respectful of Dan and call him “don” and “mister.” It’s so cute. They don’t realize he’s just a homeless wino whose picture we use in Brain Stew.

Anna Shuler: I should not be allowed to vote because I have not submitted enough to Brain Stew this year. And am not in Dan’s Comedy Writing class. I’m filled with shame and self-loathing.

Abby Wall: You’re both wrong. Brain Stew does not have enough dead baby jokes. So, Riley wins.

RILEY, PLEASE EMAIL DAN TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO PICK UP SOME HONORS SWAG! THANKS TO ALL FOR COMPETING!