Brain Stew '17 / '18 - Issue 11

IN THIS ISSUE

Did you hear that the honors college has a new emporer dean? All hail Ed Munn-Sanchez! In other news, Zach Weber tells us about why it’s implorible that you haven’t seen Black Panther yet. (Nothing from Kristy this time around, so we hope Zach didn’t like beat her to a pulp or something :shrug:) Emma is still around for some reason and reports on the new craze sweeping ProHo’s halls. Nicole tries to do a healthy thing and fails. Zoë gives us some more good shit horoscopes. A water crisis ravages the residents of Villa North. Katie has some ideas for undergrad research. Mike tells us to mind munching in class. There’s a new contest about recreating Vines (RIP). And don’t forget to check out the newest issue of Smellerive—it’s like Bellerive, except it’s won more awards.

The Understew

We ask the faculty stupid questions.

They answer, stupidly.

“How do you feel about the newly appointed dean of the PLHC, Dr. Ed Munn-Sanchez?”

Gerianne Friedline

Audri Adams

All I can say is thank God Dan is finally leaving. Sure, I like Dan just as much as the next person, but lately as the interim dean his character flaws have been, well, um..... exemplified. He keeps making an unnecessary amount of Simposns references and gets upset that the faculty is ignoring his emails. It’s not that we are ignoring his emails, it’s that no one human could possibly handle that much correspondence with a single person. It was all becoming too much of a burden to bear.

I’m pretty excited about welcoming Ed as the new dean mainly because I have been held hostage in the main office for no apparent reason.

I am hoping Ed will have mercy on me and finally let me free from this prison of academia I have been forced into for so long. The Honors College “allegedly” forgot to file my graduation paperwork, so I have been forced into indentured servitude for the Honors College in the meantime. Everyone keeps calling it “a great job,” but I definitely never signed up for this. Although sometimes they let me outside the office for a couple of minutes every few days, which I must admit is quite nice.

Ann Torrusio Is it just me, or does Ed look like a little bit like Bob Bliss and Dan Gerth combined? No, just me? Whatever. Nobody asked for your opinion anyways.

Ed Munn-Sanchez I think he sounds great!

WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOUGHT YOUR HONORS BALL TICKETS YET?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? EMAIL NICOLE GEVERS (nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu) TO GET YOURS!

PLHCSA Prom-posals: The Latest Craze!

By Emma Daues

I

n the weeks leading up to the Honors Ball, students at the good ol’ Pierre Laclede Honors College have become increasingly hyped. This comes as no surprise, given that the intrepid PLHCSA board has put all its efforts into promoting the heck out of the event.

“We’ve gone all-out with this,” PLHCSA president Nicole Gevers tells Brain Stew. “There’s signs all over campus, social media posts ‘round the clock, and people dancing & yelling in the quad. But don’t think we’ve blown all our budget on advertising. PLHCSA is sparing no expense with venue, catering, and entertainment at the ball. No one can say that we haven’t prepared.”

But what the PLHCSA officers weren’t prepared for was the new phenomenon sweeping HoCo: PLHCSA Prom-posals.

“It all started on Twitter,” says Gevers. “Some weirdo began referring to the ball as ‘PLHCSA Prom’, and it caught on. So I, just as a joke, wrote a tweet about prom-posals on the official PLHCSA account.”

whiteboard to write a message for the Common Room to see. But such as it often is with college students, things got out of hand quickly.

“I was there for the one last Monday,” Gevers reports. “Some dude climbed out that one window in the Small Library and got onto the roof.

Then he draped a HUGE pink banner over the front of ProHo that said, ‘Ashley: PLHCSA Prom?’ It was funny at first, but then he started blasting ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth on loop and yelling, ‘THIS IS OUR SONG!’ and everyone got pretty annoyed. I still don’t know which Ashley in the Honors College he was trying to ask out.”

meme, Lee had scrawled “PLHCSA Prom?” in Sharpie.

Brain Stew was able to get a hold of Lee, who is currently hospitalized due to an injury from the stunt.

“Yeah, well, I had to get a big ladder to put the memes on the ceiling,” he explained. “But as I was finishing up, I fell off of it. I’m bummed because I broke my arm, but it probably could’ve been worse. It was all totally worth it!”

When asked to reveal the subject of his proposal, Zach claimed, “Ope, did I forget to write it on the memes? Silly me! I guess the world will never know!”

PLHCSA has since then deleted their original “PLHCSA Prom” tweet and officially stated that they do not condone any PLHCSA Prom-posals and cannot be liable for any injuries sustained. But is that going to stop anyone from doing them? Who knows?

Brain Stew talked to pseudo-dean Dan Gerth about his thoughts on the craze: “I think all college students harbor a small bit of nostalgia for the simplicity and innocence of high school.

Staging elaborate prom-posals is just a way to feel a little bit of that again.

They’re all a bunch of idiots, though!

Prom-posals were dumb in high school The tweet encouraged students and they’re still dumb in college! You to ask their significant others to the The phenomenon culminated never saw me pulling that shit as a Honors Ball in elaborate ways, harken- yesterday in a massive stunt pulled by high-schooler! Granted, I didn’t even ing back to the wild tradition of high Honors student Zach Lee, in which go to prom during high school, but school prom-posals. They started out overnight, the entire interior of the 1st- that’s beside the point! Boo!” simple enough: students interrupting in floor of Provincial House became floorBrain Stew promises to provide the middle of an Honors lecture to ask to-ceiling covered with small print-outs all the news of more wild PLHCSA a fellow classmate, or hijacking Dan’s of Honors College memes. On each Prom-posals as they occur.

Minifestos!

I

Also By Emma Daues

joined a contest last month called Manifesto Jam, where the object was to write manifestos, I think around a specific theme, but rules are just guidelines anyway, right? Here are some sweet manifesto tidbits I wrote for your enjoyment, conveniently packaged to fit on 4x6-inch notecards.





PLHCSA Goes Internation for Sping Break

By Sara Hilpert Dan got incredibly lucky and won the lottery...the unlucky part of his luck, however, was that the PLHCSA exec board was the one who chipped in to gift him with lottery tickets for Christmas. Therefore, when he won the $300 million jackpot, he felt at least a slight pang of obligation to pay it forward.

Sit tight, because we’re about to fill you in on PLHCSA’s spring break plans--we’re going to Australia motherf*ckers!!!

Heather, Madison, Lauren and Sara: “This Starbucks is literally hitting the spot rn!! So much needed” *simultaneous hair flips* Nicole in the bathroom giving herself a pep talk: “Okay, you are STRONG. You made it 16 hours in a van to Atlanta and back, what’s a 22 hour flight across the Pacif--*barfs into trash can*

Zach, Malik, Ariel, and Corinne are sitting at the terminal. Zach is listening to Sufjan Stevens, Malik is writing poetry, Ariel is napping, and Corinne is snapchatting Ariel napping with Setting: Pierre Laclede Honors College the caption “UMSL passouts” to the Narrator Sarry: Dan has called two SUV taxis to the honors college to pick PLHCSA Snapchat.

Soon enough, the time to board rolls up the squad, because Uber does not around. By some miracle, every memexist in his world. ber of the exec board is present and Dan: “Alright everyone has absolutely on-time.

EVERYTHING, correct?” *Ariel, Corinne, Heather, Lauren, Madison, Malik, Nicole, Sara, and Zach nod in unison*

Setting: On the airplane

her sit down; luckily her meds kicked in at that moment.

Setting: Sydney, Australia Narrator Sarry: The plane touches down in Sydney safe and sound. While everyone feels exhausted, the hotel is noice. The views of Sydney are stunning. The squad spends a lovely week touring the beautiful sights of Australia.

There’s snorkeling, skydiving, safaris, kangaroos, koalas, and an obscene amount of alcohol. Don’t forget the endless Finding Nemo references (P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney anyone?)

A week flies by so much quicker than you think; soon enough, it was time to head home to Natty B Road. While Dan and Ann had initially been apprehensive to spend so much time with the ~youths~, they realized that PLHCSA is actually an okay bunch (and they can hold down their alcohol much better than expected).

Narrator Sarry: Once everyone is on the plane, it becomes apparent to everyone that this is no road trip in a van.

“Your passports?”

When it was time to board the plane In other words, shit got real. *Group nods* home, everyone felt admittedly sorrowDan, Ann, Ariel, Zach, Lauren, and ful (except Nicole, who just felt queasy).

“Your belongings?”

Corinne are in first class because they Dan had one more exciting trick up Ariel: “WAIT” *runs to Villa and back are used to a standard of boujee (and his sleeve, however; he rented an entire quickly* “I almost forgot my mason jar because the gang drew straws for which private jet to fly home. of homemade granola.” six people would get first class seats but Dan: “Hi ladies and gentlemen, this is Sara: *relieved because she would like Dan rigged the results). They are all your captain speaking. The skies are impatiently waiting to be in the air so to eat some, as she is already hungry* clear, making for a smooth ride home. they can have drinks on Dan’s dime.

“Your best behavior?”

I bet you guys didn’t know I could Heather, Malik, and Madison are drive more than a rented minivan, eh?? *Group collectively looks around, chilling in their seats, excitedly talking Buckle up!” shrugs* about Australia because they are norAnn grabs the microphone and adds, Ann: “Let’s do this, then.” mal, sane people. “and I’ll be your kickass co-pilot for the Setting: St. Louis Lambert International Airport Sara got stuck in the middle seat beflight. Enjoy this ABBA CD that will tween two strangers and her anxiety is be playing on a loop for the next 22 Narrator Sarry: Everyone is roaming through the roof. around the airport, waiting for this hours.” long-ass flight they’re about to take to Nicole is in the bathroom, begging the *Collective cheers* board. flight attendant to let her stay in the bathroom for the entirety of the flight Everyone but Nicole (again, in the Dan to Ann: “Wanna find an airport bathroom) raises a champagne toast in due to her extreme motion sickness. bar?” the air: “To Dan, Ann, and The attendants restrain her and make AUSTRALIA!” Ann: “Abso-f*cking-lutely.”

Half-Assed Horoscopes

By Zoë Scala

Pisces (Feb. 19th - March 20th) Mercury’s in retrograde this month y’all, so keep your shit on lock down. Looking at you Pisces. Money in particular is going to be in shorter supply than usual this month, but that’s no reason to fret.

Just means you need to buckle down and maybe budget yourself some—hey, where are you going? Was it something I said?

Aries (March 21st - April 19th) Rough weather comin’ Aries. I know we’re all touchy with the current political and social climate, but learn when to pick your battles. Know when to save your breath, and learn when to recognize people are arguing just for the sake of arguing and no rational conversation will change their mind. Save your words for people who matter, and head butt those who deserve it. But politely. And with video evidence that they were deserving of it.

H

alf-assed Horoscopes: where someone who is a chronic procrastinator tries to get you your horoscopes in time for printing. Also, like everything is in retrograde this month, so step carefully folks. Or don’t, I don’t know, I’m not telling you how to live your life.

invested in what’s happening around you, or will you be relieved when things fall apart? You might not be a writing soul, but maybe now’s the time to just check in where you’re at, be that talking it out with a friend, writing some poems, maybe even starting a diary. You don’t have to have everything figured out but that doesn’t mean you have to wear yourself down doing something you don’t love either.

Leo (July 23rd - August 22nd) Leo, it’s a creative month for you. Creative and reclusive—I’m not saying it’s time to get ready for doomsday and buy enough pre-packed meals to last a few months or anything, but this month more so than last you’ll be wanting to just spend time alone in your room. Follow your gut on this one. We all need a little recoup here and there, and yours just happens to line up nicely with some creative inspiration.

exposing all our close to the vest secrets.

Play your hand before that can happen— the best reaction is a pre-meditated calculated pre-action. If someone has to know your deepest fear you might as well be the person in control of how they get told.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd - Dec. 21st) Sagittarius, you’re not a sign typically known for your stubbornness, but as Jupiter goes retrograde both you and your adjacent sign Scorpio need to take some time to get back in touch with yourselves.

You in particular need to make sure you’re not so stuck in your own beliefs that no one can get through to you. Teaching and being taught is the only way to move forward in life, but you have to be open to new ideas in order to put one foot in front of another.

Capricorn (Dec. 22nd - Jan. 19th)

Mergoat. Fishy, furry friends, you’ve got some unannounced visitors incoming.

Virgo (Aug. 23rd - Sept. 22nd) Taurus (April 20th - May 20th) This month is one where your place is Now Virgo, I’m not trying to be harsh here, going to become the place everyone Last month was rough, Taurus. This month but this month is not one for lying.

We all hangs out at, which isn’t necessarily a has a lot better things in store—you’re tell ‘em from time to time, but try to keep bad thing, but make sure to be kind while learning to love writing and reading yours to a bare minimum this go around. others are in your abode. We all know again, even (or maybe especially) if it’s You have a nice full moon in your sign at you are goal driven, but as others stop by, reading a Brain Stew over a few times. the beginning of the month, but despite make sure you’re not so goal driven you Take some small shuffles forward with this, this is a month to be cautious.

Be can’t even host for your friends. It might those hooves of yours bud, it might not kind, and pay special attention to whose not seem like a misstep to you, but this seem like it but you are moving in the toes you may be stepping on in order to month in particular you should say what right direction. Or a direction. Probably. reach your goals. you’re thinking to avoid any miscommuGemini (May 21st - June 20th) nications.

Libra (Sept. 23rd - Oct.22nd) Good and bad this month, Gemini. You’ve Aquarius (Jan. 20th - Feb. 18th) Hey Libra. You and I both know you’re a got a good head on your shoulders, but compassionate person—but someone’s Challenges galore this month, Aquarius. sometimes things conspire against us in using that against you.

It’s okay to want This is a month for some serious selfways that are ominous and sometimes to help other people out, but are you sure growth and some real talks with yourself even, dare I say, spooky. Nothing bad is you’re doing it willingly rather than out of on what you want to do in life. This isn’t happening to you this month, probably, some obligation?

Take time for yourself to the month to decide everything, but but it most certainly is not the month to figure out what you need to do and what this is the month to decide what not to plan big vacations or life changing moves. you want to do.

You don’t have to live life be doing. If you’re pursuing a degree or Get your car checked out before going on as the support, you can be the star too. career to please the people around you, any big trips, and maybe have a tower on now’s the time to sit down in person with speed dial.

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st) those people and tell them politely but Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd) Scorpio, my people. We got a big storm firmly to fuck off. It’s your life fellows, you coming.

Jupiter goes retrograde in our should be doing something you’d like to Cancer. Buddy. Now’s the time to really sign at the beginning of the month, do, not what you think others would be evaluate where you’re at. Are you really happy with.

Brain Stew...

At the Movies...

Please enjoy while Zach Weber reviews a shit ton of movies.

D

The Black Panther

If you are currently reading this and have not seen this movie you are doing life wrong. Stop what you are doing immediately and find a theater near you and go see it now. Maybe text some friends to go see it with you. If they don’t respond then they are not worth having as friends any longer, or if they don’t want to see it because they don’t think it will be good then they are terrible human beings and should have never been your friends to begin with. You know what forget your friends and just go now they are just taking away time that you could be watching the movie. Once you see it email me at zcwb84@mail.umsl.com or tweet me @zachweber50 to thank me for forcing you to go see. This movie is sooooooooooooo gooooooood. The graphics are jaw dropping. The plot is outstanding. The music is angelic. I have already seen this movie 4 times so yay I think I have a problem.

I am kinda on the “Chill Marvel” ship. I mean they do need to slow down on the movies and spice things up because I feel like all of their movies are starting to just feel like the same. But oh boi is this movie not like any of the other movies. This movie is so good that they even reference a popular meme. Yeah you heard me a meme. This Must see movie of 2018.

420/69. Would see again. Also there are 2 end scene credits so watch those.

Y

Annhialation

If you are a type of person that likes to go to the movie theater to enjoy a nice simple movie to turn your brain off and have a couple of guffaws then I would never recommend this movie to you. This movie is written and directed by the same guy that made Ex Machina. So if you like that movie a lot you are in for a treat with this movie.

This movie is about a biologist who is on a trip to find out what is in the center of this mysterious “Shimmer” that appeared. Everyone that has previously gone in has not returned but with the exception of the biologists husband who comes out of the shimmer but in a unrecognizable state. So it then becomes the mission of the biologist to find out what or who has put him in this condition. It kinda reminds me of the movie Arrival with Amy Adams.

So if you liked that you will probably like this movie. Some of the senses will go from some of the most horrific and terrifying things I have seen in a movie in a long to to some of the creepiest yet beautiful images I have seen.

Not to mention this movie keeps you on the edge of your chair the whole time. I feel sorry for the lady that was sitting next to me because I was rather audible because I got way too into this movie and kinda forgot the whole “you need to to be quiet in the movies” rule that every follows. Once you get to the end scene it leaves you on a gigantic cliffhanger. I am stilling try to figure it out while I am writing this review. I am also more than willing to discuss theories of the end of

the movie. This move is a sleeper in the box office so definitely give this movie a chance. This movie is easily in my top 20 favorite movies just below Shrek and Boss Baby. I give this movie 9.9/10 because nobody is perfect.

Early Man

I

don’t know about any of you guys but as a child claymation movies just blew my mind. I would just sit in front of the TV and be in complete awe of how they were able to make the movies. So if you are a fan of claymation movies this movie is already worth the price of admission. The director of this movie is the same person who directed the classic Wallace and Gromit movies. Personally, I love the type of british humor/Dad kinda jokes that this movie has. It is kinda like a water downed Monty Python cartoon. For me personally though, the nostalgia of claymation movies was enough on its own to make me want to see this movie.

This movie is about a tribe of cave men who are have a great time until some spoiled ruler tries to take there land to mine their home. So the cavemen have to find a way to get there home back before it is completely destroyed.

Its a classic something bad happens but in the end the good guy wins kinda movie. We all know that’s not the case in real life, amirite? So that kinda took away from the movie in my opinion.

But jokes in this movie were hilarious.

Some of the jokes and references you have to pay attention to because they are rather subtle. So if you catch them you may look like a lunatic because you might be the only person to catch the joke in the entire theater so everyone one will be staring at you for laughing.

Right now you may be think wow that sounds very specific. Did that actually happen to him? Well the answer to that question would be yes that did happen to me and I was extremely embarrassed. But don’t let the chance of getting embarrassed make you not see this movie. 6.9/10

Manic Mike By, well, Manic Mike Since when is it ok to eat in class?

P

erhaps I am old-fashioned, but it seems really rude to me to eat during class. I know that some professors have strict rules against it, but others just don’t seem to care. I wish they would. Especially in classrooms that have computers, there should be a no food or drink policy. In general, I don’t want to sit beside someone munching away on their lunch while I’m trying to pay attention and take notes! Not only is it loud and distracting, but it is messy.

To be quite honest, sometimes I

am super hungry during class and it makes me jealous to see others eating, which makes it hard to concentrate on class. I suppose that is just my problem, and I shouldn’t whine. But, here I am, whining away.

I know that there are semesters when students have to take backto-back classes around the lunch hour, meaning they don’t really have enough

time to eat in between classes. While I understand this exception, it doesn’t change the problematic nature of this subject.

Out of respect for fellow classmates, professors, and the cleaning staff that take care of the grounds and buildings, please don’t eat in class. Or if you have to, at least clear it with your fellow students and the professor. It’s the least you can do.

COME COMPETE IN GET YOUR BALLS WET, PLHCSA’S ANNUAL ROOT BEER PONG TOURNAMENT! NO EXPERIENCE OR SKILL NECESSARY! SCAN THE QR CODE TO BE ENTERED IN THE TOURNAMENT! FRIDAY, MARCH 9TH AT 7:00 PM IN THE ANTHRO LAB THERE WILL BE FREE FOOD, PRIZES, AND BRAGGING RIGHTS

Yeah, Sex Is Great, But...

scribed from Mary Fowler’s emails?

MSC bridge?

Yeah, sex is great but have you seen the Yeah, sex is great but have you ever episode of The Office where Dwight seen that goose by the Collabitat that starts a fake fire and Michael throws an only has one leg? overhead projector out the window?

Yeah, sex is great but have you ever

By Nicole Gevers Yeah, sex is great but have you ever slept on the Common Room couch? stepped on a really crunchy leaf?

Yeah, sex is great but do you rememYeah, sex is great but have you ever you Yeah, sex is great but have you ever sub- ber when the Common Room couch ever ordered a sandwich from Proho mitted to Brain Stew? You probably hav- used to be upstairs next to Christoph Schiessl’s office? and selected “no bread,” “no meat,” “no en’t, you peasant. cheese,” and only selected “bacon” in Yeah, sex is great but have you ever Yeah, sex is great but have you ever order to order just plain bacon? spelled “definitely” or “rhythm” cor- watched Fergie try to sing the national anthem?

Yeah, sex is great but have you ever left rectly on the first try? the common room coffee pot empty and stuck around to see how mad Dan Yeah, sex is great but have you ever Yeah, sex is great but have you yelled “HI MY NAME IS TREY I bought your tickets for Honors gets?

HAVE A BASKETBALL GAME TO- Ball yet?

Yeah, sex is great but have you unsub- MORROW” during a busy time on the

HEY YOU DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT BRAIN STEW’S LATEST PARODY OF BELLERIVE, “69 FT FROM THE DUMPSTER” NOW AVAILABLE

Science-y Stuff!

By Katie Hanners Individual Research Ideas!!

Hey honors kiddos! Are any of you stressing about getting your individual study credits in before graduation? You are?! Well fear not, because I have some ideas for you!

Whether you’re majoring in sciences, humanities, or any other topics, this list will be sure to help you find some GREAT ideas for studies!

1. Twin studies!

imagine the possibilities).

3. Infant studies (imagine starting from a clean slate, with the participants not having any learned behaviors or past experiences).

7. The long-term side effects of disease pandemics (of course you will have to initiate the epidemic in order to have a controlled experiment).

8. Does survival of the fittest REALLY work? (this would include purposefully pairing stronger individuals with equally strong counterparts and vice versa).

9. If babies can detect dangers (make this more interesting by changing between live and inani4. Remaking the Stanford Pris- mate dangers, such as a wolf and mold, respectively). on Experiment.

5. Instilling fear into small children (AKA the Little Albert Experiment).

6. Volcanoes! (always a 2. Electroshock therapy (which crowd-pleaser). works for many types of people,

WANT TO WIN A FREE TICKET TO HONORS BALL?

Then be sure to enter Karen Grandslam’s

VINE CONTEST!

How to do it: Take a video re-creating your favorite vine and send it to one of the Brain Stew editors. The best re-creation will win a free ticket to Honors Ball.

The winner will be announced in the next issue of Brain Stew!

Delicious memes served fresh by Adam Thompson

Today’s Special : Extra-Large Super Deluxe Memes

Health

I Tried Flossing Every Day for a Month and Here’s What Happened

by Nicole Gevers, Brain Stew Staff Posted on March 2nd, 2018

My gums bled every single day. It was terrible.

a picture of a nice mouth via the internet

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW?

Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW?

Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Zachary Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.